Remarriage After Loss: Ron Deal and Rod & Rachel Faulkner Brown

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Rod: I think we had no idea what to expect. I think we both went in positively, and believing, “God has us for each other. This is going to be great; this is going to be fine. We're going to work this out”; and then, you get into things that are like, “Whoa, okay, I didn't think about that or this,”—or all those things.

Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

Dave: The blood of family ministry at FamilyLife says that stepfamilies are born out of loss; and then, born into ambiguity, which is another loss. Let me tell you: that’s a tough way to start a family.

Ann: That’s super true, but today’s story reminds us that God has grace to see families through—and not only to see them through—but to see them grow and flourish in faith.

Dave: Today, we get to hear a portion of the FamilyLife Blended® podcast with Ron Deal. He heads up our blended family ministry, here, at FamilyLife. Recently, he spoke to Rod and Rachel Faulkner Brown about their family journey. We’ve also had them on FamilyLife Today; what a great couple.

Ann: As you’re going to hear, Rachel and Rod’s blended family was formed after Rachel was widowed—listen to this—twice. Sometimes, we think stepfamilies following the death of a parent, that can be easier; but as you’re about to hear: that is not a fair assumption at all.

That’s one of the reasons our annual Summit on Stepfamily Ministry® is so, so important. We’ve talked about it, here, a lot. We help church leaders—pastors and lay couples alike—really learn how they can minister to blended families, no matter how they came to be.

Dave: The next Summit is October 10 and 11, 2024, in Dallas. Man, we’d love for your church to come; or have somebody from your church there. You can check the show notes or go to SummitOnStepFamilies.com to learn more about it.

Ann: Even if you’re not in a blended family, listen to this discussion about loss, and just helping our kids; because that applies to every one of us. You might also listen to know just how to help a friend or family member in a blended family situation.

Dave: You may remember that Rachel was on FamilyLife Today with her daughter, Campbell, back in February.

Ann: —which was amazing.

Dave: Oh, it was amazing; she was talking about her eating disorder. Man, she was so honest and so helpful. The family background for that story is the blended family story you’re going to hear about today and tomorrow.

Ann: Rachel Faulkner Brown is an author; she’s a Bible teacher, who speaks to women and widows through her ministries called Be Still Ministries and Never Alone Widows. And then, her husband, Rod, is the lead strategic consultant with Irresistible Church Network; he’s been in ministry for over 25 years.

After being widowed, Rachel brought two children into their marriage, Davis and Campbell; so here we go.

[Previous FamilyLife Blended Podcast]

Ron: I met the two of you at a, I believe, at a WinShape Marriage Conference Center in Rome, Georgia. You guys came and attended a seminar I did a number of years ago for stepfamily couples. I’ve got to start here: Rachel, as I recall, you told me once you really didn't like what I had to say. Is that right? [Laughter]

Rod: She did not like it at all. You ruined her entire weekend, [Laughter] which ruined my weekend, Ron.

Rachel: I was so distraught. You said it would take five to seven years. I was like, “No! That is not our story! I refuse; I reject that.” I was just so like Pollyanna about the whole thing; I was like, “No, that is—that is not—we're just not going to struggle like this.”

Five to seven years—oh, seven-plus; yes, for sure [Laughter]—I mean, every bit of it. You were like all crock-potting—and I'd already blended us in the Blendtec® [Laughter]—it was like over; I mean, we were blended.

Ron: Looking back, what would you say about the crock pot approach now?

Rachel: I'm a real big fan of the Instant Pot®—

Ron: —got you.

Rachel: —so that says a lot about how I roll—I'm like: pressure cooker. Honestly, crock pot is the best description of what we've had to do. I would say even the marination process—we marinated for like three and a half years—and then, we cooked. I wanted to just pressure cook it the day we got married. [Crock pot] is accurate.

Rod: I think it's so important for people to know because, based on your expectations—if you have high expectations, and thinking, “Hey, we're going to blend really quick and we're going to be perfect right off,”—you're going to be frustrated for so long when that's not happening. So to really understand, “Oh, that is going to take a while; we're not going to be where I want us to be for a while,”—if you can settle in there—I think everything is a little bit/the waves are smaller versus the waves being really big of having this expectation that everything is going to be smooth.

Ron: Set the stage for our listeners, if you would, Rod: “What led up to you guys meeting? What came together? What's the backstory for you, for Rachel?”

Rod: Sure.

Ron: Eventually, what I want to do is wrap back to what you just said and ask: “So how did you, as stepparent, have to settle into: ‘This is going to take a while’?”

But let's just start with: “What led to the two of you coming together?”

Rod: Yes, I was single for a long time. I met a friend of Rachel's probably a year and a half before she and I met. A couple of times she was just like—I'd see her every now and then—and she'd say, “Hey, I have this woman I'd like for you to meet.” Every time, I was like, “Sure.”

Finally, she made the introduction, and I think it was over email. Rachel, in the email back to me, was like, “Hey, did she tell you anything about my story?” And I said, “No.” She's like, “Well, watch this video.” I was like, “Wow! I get to watch a video about her story.” [Laughter] Who doesn't like to watch a video? It was a video that her church did in Columbus, Mississippi. It basically [was] her sharing about having lost two husbands: you know, losing a husband at 23; and then, being widowed again at 30. I responded with, “Wow, that's a lot; but I'd still love to meet you.”

The first day we met, we probably spent six or seven hours together. I think that day I was just like, “Man, I'd love to see this woman again; I'd like to get to know her better.” That began, I think in October; and in March, we got engaged. It went pretty fast.
At that point, I was 45 when I met her; 46 when we got married.

Ron: Rachel, expound a little bit on being widowed twice.

Rachel: Ron, it's one of those things where you never think this is the way your life's going to turn out. I was starry-eyed, dating my college sweetheart. He has a massive aneurysm when I'm 23; he's 27. It's just—you know, shocking doesn't even capture—like that word is just so minuscule to what that is. It’s seismic; that's probably a better word.

I remarried two years later—we didn't have kids—I just became the single girl at 24/25. I mean, it was just like: “Yes, that happened”; but I very much compartmentalized it—as someone who's very emotionally unhealthy would do—and of course, I had no idea that word even existed.

I didn't grieve Blair or Todd, not until I was 35. Rod met me in that; you know, I think 33 was the implosion. Anyway, bottom line, I remarried two years later—still very unhealed, still carrying a secret—I just take all that stuff that had compiled into my marriage with Blair; I mean, he was a family friend.

Ron: Then, you had the two kids, Davis and Campbell; and that new marriage starts. And then, what happens when you’re 30?

Rachel: He goes out on a beautiful sunny day to fly his beloved T-38, which is a fighter trainer, and ready to go Mach 1; gorgeous blue-sky day with a student pilot, who was 22—and his wife was 7 months pregnant—in the backseat. They took off with a full tank of gas, and both were instantly killed because the cable in the wing broke.

I was left with a five-month-old little girl and a two-year-old little boy, widowed twice; but I mean, this time was insanely different. I mean, you know, it was epic. If I thought Todd's death was seismic, I mean, this was like an earthquake around the world. This was like, you know, tectonic plates shifting in my life.

I did a lot of things well; I did a lot of things really wrong. That's why I started Never Alone; I was like, “Well, maybe, I can help one or two widows to not make the same mistakes.” I was so desperate to assuage those deaths by meeting someone who knew those husbands. I was so determined to marry Todd's best friend, just to keep a part of Todd, a part of me. I see that a lot with widows. We so want to take a part of what was into what could be. And I did that with Todd, and I did it with Blair; and I'm just like, “Oh wow, I wish I wouldn't have done that.”

So really, I mean, it was like: “I wish I wouldn't have done this,” and “Let me go help somebody else not do that,”—not make, as I say, red flags pink. [Laughter]

[Studio]

Ann: You’re listening to FamilyLife Today, and we’re listening to a portion of a FamilyLife Blended podcast with Ron Deal and Rod and Rachel Faulkner Brown.

Dave: We’ve mentioned, already, that blended families start with loss; but as you can tell, the backstory really matters to how that new marriage begins. Let’s go back and keep listening, because there’s a lot more to Rod and Rachel’s story.

[Previous FamilyLife Blended Podcast]

Ron: So you guys meet; you start to date. You're on this journey of beginning to figure out grief, and sadness, and sorrow, and all that.

Rod, I’ve got to turn to you, and say, “Okay, so she brought all this to the table. I'm wondering what you saw; what you didn't see. In hindsight, what did you miss? How was your attitude and heart about meeting her as it related to the grief that she was carrying?”

Rachel: Oh yes, Rod, please share. [Laughter]

Rod: Wow, great question. I don't even know how I can/if I can answer that adequately. When I met her, I just saw a really strong, awesome woman—

Ron: —survivor.

Rod: Yes; I saw somebody who was super positive, loved adventure, loves just surprises—well, maybe not surprises—but getting out there, just doing things she wasn't planning on doing; you know, just being open to the world. Yes, I just saw these positive things.

I think, for me, what I always wanted was a partner. I met Rachel; and she was just like immediately partnering with me, even in dating. I just was like, “Wow, this is something I always wanted,”—I knew that; I knew that, in me—it’s like, “I want a partner”; I'd verbalized that before: partner in ministry, partner in life. I think we talked a little bit about the other things; but it just seemed, most of the time, she was just excited and ready to roll in life, that our relationship was fun and great.

I enjoyed the children. I've always wanted to be a dad; so that was a huge bonus for me to get two beautiful, awesome kids. I think we were both probably looking at mostly the positives.

Ron: Yes.

Rod: Looking back: “What did I miss?” I don't know whether I'd say I missed this in her; but I think what we missed was sitting with a couple, who had maybe been through what we were about to go through—you know, had a blended family—and could kind of sit down with us, and say, “Hey, these are some things you might want to think about.” Maybe somebody, who'd been single for a long time, like me; somebody who'd been married before, like her, and just like walk through with us of what we could potentially expect; because I think we had no idea what to expect.

I think we both went in positively, and believing, “God has us for each other. This is going to be great; this is going to be fine. We're going to work this out”; and then, you get into things that are like, “Whoa, okay, I didn't think about that or this,”—or all those things.

Rachel: Yes, we were us-ness—you know, what is it?—us-ness that you talk about.

Ron: Yes; yes.

Rachel: And family-ness, like we were like professionals on that.

Early on, I had really limited how much Rod saw the kids; because I had introduced the kids to another man, whom I was dating. Hindsight, living in two different cities, that was even hard. I was talking to Campbell last night; I said, “What would you have done different?” She was like, “I wish we could have spent more time together before y'all got married. I wish we could have done more family dinners.” I'm like, “Me, too; but he lived in Atlanta, and we lived in Huntsville.” You know, there's things I wish. It’s so tricky for widows, especially because you don't want to like commit and go move somewhere if you're like just to try it out.

There is such a trust factor with blending. It is like: “I trust God: I trust God, financially. I trust God, like, ‘This is who You've planned for me’”; because you can doubt that upside one; down the other. Once we committed to each other—and I will say, for us, we were very committed from pretty much January on—I never thought Rod was going to bail; I never doubted that.

At the same time, once we were engaged, it was as good as if we were married—I mean, that wasn't the truth; we were in different cities—but at the same time, we were/the ball was rolling. Engagement was really too late; it's kind of like, “Once you're engaged, it's like: ‘We're on’”; Rod's like, “Oh, there was always an out.” [Laughter]

Rod: She doesn't know what I did the day of: you know, I drove my car a long way. [Laughter]

Ron: Well, I just want to add a little comment there for our listeners and viewers: you know, when your kids are really, really young as yours were, Rachel, it really is wise to go slowly in introducing them to a dating partner; because they can fall in love with that person, you know, deeper and wider and with more intensity than you are, or have; and so that's important.

If they're over the age of five, then there's this sort of gradual—general recommendation is—a gradual introduction, building relationship, but spending more time. The more time they can spend together, the more everybody has confidence that: “There's something here we have to work with.” Not that we've got everything formed before the wedding; that never happens, because crock potting doesn't start until the wedding. I'm a firm believer in that. Whatever time you've invested is beneficial—it's adding some heat, if you will, to the pot itself; it's readying everybody to begin to cook—but the cooking doesn't really start until it's real.

Here's the thing: we all do the best we can with what we know and what we know to do. And there's always hindsight; there's always looking back—there's always some regret [that] will come along with that—“Okay; alright, but what do we do with it now?”

I'm sure everybody listening, right now, thought: “Yes, there are things in me I didn't know before I got married again,” “There’re things in you I definitely didn't see before we got married again,” “I had no idea, for example, how that grief was going to come out of you in different moments or how grief was going to come out of the kids.”

You know what? Let's talk about that for a second. I'm curious—now, they were really young—

Rachel: Yes.

Ron: —but that doesn't mean they're not grieving, one. Number two—and the way children grieve is over time—so when they're ten, and when they're sixteen, and when they're—new layers of life and new things pop up in their mind. They have to think back about how life was or would have been.

I'm just curious: “As you guys have looked over the last ten years, what have you seen in the children that you would just say, ‘Yes, that was grieving,’ ‘That was transition,’ ‘That was adjustment’?”

[Studio]

Ann: We’ve been listening to a portion of the FamilyLife Blended podcast with Rod and Rachel Faulkner Brown.

Ron Deal, the host of the podcast, now joins us in the studio. Wow! You left us with a cliff hanger, Ron!

Ron: I know. [Laughter] Here’s the bottom line: people are going to have to listen tomorrow to hear the answer. I’m here to tell you: their kids definitely did have some transition; and grief did show up in a number of significant ways.

Dave: Well, we heard, at the beginning, Ron—you guys were laughing a little bit—because they really didn’t want to believe what you say about how long it takes a stepfamily to form. We’ve actually quoted you, many times, saying the same thing.

Ann: Yes.

Dave: And I find it, sometimes, hard to believe. Talk about that a little bit: is that common for stepfamilies, or even any of us, to believe it takes—we say seven years—is that right, Ron?

Ann: —to form their identity.

Ron: That’s right. It really takes, on average, anywhere from four to seven years for the average blended family to settle their—I like to say it this way: their family-ness—to figure out who they are; how they are going to connect—that identity, as you said, Ann. It just takes longer than people think.

There’s good news and bad news in that. Let me just tell you: wherever I go—whenever I’m speaking to a live event at a church; or in our book, The Smart Stepfamily—we unpack this in great detail. It is shocking the first time for somebody to hear that; because they think, “Wait;”—they’re beginning to calculate—“we love each other. Yes, the kids are coming along. They’re maybe not as excited about this as we, as husband and wife are; but it’s not going to take very long. I mean, everybody’s going to love each other quickly.”

Hey, you can like each other; you can get along. We all have family members that we get along with; we don’t, necessarily, have a deep intimate connection with extended family. The same thing happens in stepfamilies—and that’s common—it just takes a while. As you guys know, there’s a metaphor that we use that’s really helpful for people to just sort of see this for what it is. It’s: “How do you cook a stepfamily?” question. We all want to cook it in a blender or microwave, because that takes about 30 seconds; and then, it’s done and ready, and everything’s good to go.

But it just doesn’t work that way—on average, it takes five to seven years—that’s kind of analogous to cooking it in a crock pot: that it takes five, six, seven, eight hours, depending on what you’re making, for it to really taste good. Yes, you could jump into the stew an hour or two in—and you could eat it—but I wouldn’t recommend that. [Laughter] I mean, that’s going to be ugly to taste; somebody’s going to get sick and go to the hospital.

No, it takes six/seven hours; then, by then, what has happened, guys? I know you know this, Dave, just from your family experience—you guys have watched and seen this in others—what happens in a crock pot? Everything warms up on its own time; it then softens—the ingredients soften—and then, they begin to share of themselves.

That is, essentially, what has to happen: each person has to find their warm-up. They have to find a way to then soften that outer shell: those loyalties, or those questions they have; or “How does grief impact my bonding with the present relationships now?” All of that has to sort of get figured out before I start sharing myself with another person and really forming family-ness. We help people understand that, and settle into the process, so that they can make the most of it.

Dave: I know that, probably for Ann and I, it took us five years, without any kids, to be married.

Ron: Hey, me, too, brother.

Dave: It takes time. And you’re going to throw in other kids—teenagers; you name it—I know, when my dad got remarried, it was, at least, seven years—maybe, ten years—before I felt like my stepmother was sort of my mom. Obviously, that’s part of the whole thing.

Tell us a little bit about the Summit.

Ron: Summit on Stepfamily Ministry is our premier ministry-equipping event for leaders. Leader, in our book, is anybody who cares to know and understand stepfamilies better so they can minister to them in a local church context. That’s from senior pastors, adult ed people, to children’s pastors, youth pastors, as well as, lay couples. We have tons of couples who are living the blended family life; and they, now, want to help somebody else in their community or in their church.

Come to this event, whether you’re just beginning, or whether you’ve been doing it for a number of years; we’re going to network; we’re going to talk; we’re going to share best practices; we’re going to get you equipped to go back and make a difference for the kingdom.

Dave: Sign up and get somebody from your church to go as well.

Ann: Can’t wait to hear the rest of it tomorrow, Ron. Thanks for being with us.

Ron: You bet.

Shelby: I’m Shelby Abbott; and you’ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson, with Ron Deal and Rod and Rachel Faulkner Brown, on FamilyLife Today. Well, they said it all: the Summit is coming up October 10-11 in Plano, Texas. You can find out more by heading over to FamilyLifeToday.com; you can get the link in the show notes there.

You can, obviously, tell we really believe in reaching blended families. We believe in reaching families of all kinds, because families are where decisions are made and the world can change. If you reach families today, you reach the world tomorrow.

If you want to make your mark on reaching blended families, or families of any kind, you can partner with us and make a contribution to ensure FamilyLife’s ongoing support of reaching families all over the world. You do that by partnering with us at FamilyLifeToday.com, making a donation there. Or can feel free to give us a call at 800-358-6329 to make your donation; again, the number is 800-“F” as in family, “L” as in life, and then the word, “TODAY.” Or feel free to drop a donation in the mail if you’d like; our address is FamilyLife, 100 Lake Hart Drive, Orlando, FL 32832.

Now, tomorrow, Ron Deal is back with Rod and Rachel Faulkner Brown to talk about the unique losses experienced by children in blended families. That’s coming up tomorrow; we hope you’ll join us. On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I’m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.

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