Traits of a Godly Man: Brant Hansen

Brant: Our whole culture is about emotions. It's about how you feel. However you feel determines reality, right? But your feelings don't determine reality. If you're not feeling God around, it doesn't mean He left at all. He's there, whether you feel it or not.

Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLIfe Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com.

This is FamilyLIfe Today!

Ann: It's going to be a good day today.

Dave: Oh, why do you say that?

Ann: Because Brant Hansen is going to be giving a message on manhood that he gave on the Love Like You Mean It^® marriage cruise.

Dave: Let me ask you this: what's your favorite memory of the Love Like You Mean It cruise from last year?

Ann: Oh, that's a good question.

Dave: Besides lying on the lounger—

Ann: —well, wait, wait—

Dave: —beside me.

Ann: —don't take it. That's what I was going to say.

Dave: No, you weren’t.

Ann: I totally was—

Dave: —no, you weren’t.

Ann: —lying on the lounger, holding your hand, looking out over the Atlantic Ocean.

Dave: Yes, it was a pretty spectacular week, and we might have gotten a little sunburned. [Laughter]

Ann: You did, but I didn't.

Dave: Yes, we might have eaten a little too much food.

Ann: That's for sure.

Dave: Oh, that's both of us. [Laughter] I thought you were going to say that was me, too; but [the] food was great, the sun was great, the boat, everything: the people, the speakers. It was a fabulous week.

And, if you don't know this, we do this every February. We get on a boat, and we call it the Love Like You Mean It cruise. FamilyLife takes several thousand of us out on the water, and we don't just relax and enjoy the sun. We have speakers; we have musicians; we have comedians; we have breakout sessions and keynote talks every night on marriage. It's a fabulous week.

Ann: But we also get off onto great islands, great resorts. It's a really fun time. And, we're going to have a newer ship this time, too, and a better ship. It's going to be really great.

Dave: Yes; so, you need to sign up and be with us this year [for the] Love Like You Mean It cruise. You can sign up [at] FamilyLifeToday.com and join us. It's about a six-day cruise right in the beginning of February, and it'll be a great week.

Here's what you're going to get to do today. You get to listen to one of the talks we heard this past cruise.

Ann: You heard it.

Dave: Yes. I was sitting in the room, because this was Brant Hansen talking to just the men. You know, most of the sessions are men and women, husbands and wives, together; but we do a breakout where the women go away with their speaker, and the men [do as well].

This was Brant talking to us about manhood. Yesterday, we heard half of that message, and today, we're going to tune back in and hear the rest of it. You're going to love it!

[Recorded Message]

Brant: I always heard the words when I grew up: “Be a godly man. Be a godly man.”

“Okay, what are you talking about? What's a godly man?”

Here are some scriptures I look at now as an adult. God, talking about Himself: He's like, “I will raise the poor from the dust. I do not forget them. I defend the afflicted. I defend the weak. I favor the humble.” [1 Samuel 2:8-9, Paraphrased]

Okay, so that’s God. What's a godly man look like? Well, if I want to be a godly man with whatever I have, I'm going to raise the poor from the dust; I'm not going to forget them. I'm going to defend the afflicted; I'm going to defend the weak; and I'm going to favor the humble. There you go!

And it's very interesting too, because—let's go back to the Garden of Eden: do you remember the job that Adam was given? Specifically Adam? He was the Protector of the Garden, which Adam failed to do. And then, when they've sinned (maybe you remember this), God comes into the Garden, and what does He say? “Adam, where are you?”

I've read recently—I'm always learning; that's what it means to be a disciple, by the way; you're always learning. You can't be like, “I got it.” God wants to show you new things, [so you] think about things in a different way. So, I'm always in learner-mode.

But I heard recently—it was a rabbi talking about this, and he said—that “Adam, where are you?” is actually a lament. I mean, God knows where he is, right? God's not like, “Hey, where…? Hey, I don't have my Garmin. I have no idea where we are.” He knows, but He’s saying, “Where'd you go? We used to walk together. You're not showing up.”

So, I've realized something, and this is—I hope it makes sense, I guess. I never understood—in fact, I found it difficult to be a Christian, because I heard people saying all the time (I hope this doesn't upset anybody, but understand, I'm a different kind of guy, right? I'm more robotic). So, when people are like, “I can just feel the presence of God around today. I feel His presence. Can you feel Him?”

I'm kind of blunt. I'm like, “No. I don't know what you mean. What do you mean you feel His presence? I know the song just modulated up a key, you know, and that we dropped the drums out. Now we're clapping, and now we hit the chorus again.” [Laughter]

“But I don't know if that's God, because I'll feel that at a Journey concert.” [Laughter]  When you go, “Don't stop believing...,” people put their hands up. “Okay, but I don't know; is that God?” I couldn't relate to that language.

Then also, if you feel God around and then you don't, does that mean He left? So, I couldn't calculate that; and it turns out, our whole culture is about emotions. It's about how you feel. However you feel determines reality, right? But that can't be. And something I came to learn [is] there's not a ton about God demanding: “I want you to feel good. I want you to feel this [or] feel that.” There's not a ton about that in the Bible, which is a real relief to me because I don't always feel that.

I got up and I spoke at this mega church, and they had an awesome band. They had the smoke and the lasers and holograms and stuff going on. It was awesome. But after they were done, I actually got up and said, “Hey, I'm just curious. Everybody in the audience, how many of you felt like you weren't having the same emotional [response] that other people were having? Maybe you're missing something?” And you guys, more than half the people raised their hand.

There are a lot of people who are not carried away with the emotion, and they're [wondering], “Is something wrong with me? Am I just not spiritual enough? What's wrong with me?” And I've wondered that: “I guess I'm not a spiritual person,” or “God left!” or “He doesn't exist in the first place, and that feeling I had at one time was just an illusion.” So, I struggle with that.

But your feelings don't determine reality. If you're not feeling God around, it doesn't mean He left at all. He's there whether you feel it or not. Your emotions can come and go based on whether you got a nap, right? [Laughter] Or, did the Lions win or lose? Like Dave here; his emotions are wild, swinging. [Laughter] I understand.

But seriously, our emotions depend on nutrition, what happened, what's going on at work; all that stuff. That does not determine the reality of God's presence in your life. He is steadfast. This word is in the Old Testament, 200-something times—the word hesed, which means “a steadfast, believing loyalty that He has towards us” (in most of the circumstances of that word). He is steadfast. He is loyal to you.

And do you know what He's looking for from us? This is a huge relief. Maybe you don't relate to God like your wife does. It doesn't make you less spiritual. Guys need to hear this. If you don't feel God around, it doesn't change reality. Do you know what He's looking for from us? It is not emotion. It's loyalty. I can do loyalty. You can, too. Do you know what? If you actually do that, and you don't feel it, and you keep showing up, do you know what that's called? It's called “love.”

Think about that in marriage. I'm guessing, for most of you guys, that you don't always feel infatuated with your wife; just smitten 24/7. I doubt it. Am I the only one? Uh oh! [Laughter] Sorry! [Laughter] There was, “No, I am! Every day, a new day!”

No, I mentioned this the other day in our thing [podcast], where we were talking, but I was writing a book—we were arguing about something, so it was tense. We're mid-argument, and I'm writing a book on the kitchen table, and then I hear Carolyn [his wife] say, “Do you want some hot tea?” I’m like, “Yes, thank you.” We're mid-argument. She's not feeling love for me in the moment; the opposite. But she makes this hot tea and brings it in. Well, you know, there's a word for this. When you do something, and you don't get an emotional reward out of it: love.

So, you don't get an emotional reward. Maybe originally, when you became a Christian, there was a bunch of music that made you [feel], “Yes!” Or maybe they still do—that's great! But if that ever wears off, it doesn't mean you have lost your passion for God. It may mean that He's changing you to be a different sort of person [who] doesn't need that anymore.

We get loyalty, guys. We can do this. And if we teach younger guys: “Spirituality is not your emotions. God is good. He is not leaving you. Even if you don't feel it, He's still there. He's looking for your loyalty.” Guess what? They understand that. They get it.

[Studio]

Dave: You're listening to FamilyLIfe Today, and we've been listening to a talk that Brant Hansen gave on the Love Like You Mean It cruise, to just the men. And let me tell you, that whole section of the talk, when I was sitting there, I remember thinking, “He's digging into something that's really, really important about our emotions as a man.”

Ann: Well, let me ask you—because I think that's an interesting point, as he talks about whether your emotions are there or not—is that something that most men need to hear?

Dave: Yes, I think; because sometimes, when the feelings aren't as strong, like Brant just said, you think, “God's distant,” or “God's not with me.” And he [Brant] is trying to remind us that the feelings don't dictate whether God is there or not. God's there always.

I mean, it's just like marriage. There are times we feel madly in love, and there are times where we don't have the feelings we had at first, and we think, “Are we still in love and still married?” Yes, of course we are.

Ann: I think all that's true for women, too, because every single marriage has its fair share of just highs, but also lows.

Dave: You've heard our highs, [Laughter] and you've heard a lot of our lows, but the question is: where do we go to get help? That was our question, and we have a resource that we would love to share with you. It's a free guide that will be filled with helpful marriage wisdom from real-life couples who've been right where you are.

Ann: You can grab your copy today at FamilyLife.com/marriagehelp. Again, did you hear that? Go to FamilyLife.com/marriagehelp for your free guide, full of marriage tips.

Dave: Well, let's go back and hear the rest of Brant Hansen.

[Recorded Message]

Brant: This is what we need. This is what our culture needs: non-anxious, secure voices, keepers of the garden; and we can do this. You can do it whether you're a manly man or not. But, what an opportunity! So, I'm hoping we can share that with younger men, especially, or other guys: “This is it!” And guys are like, “I get it.”

So, I'm going to pray. I'm done, and if Brian wants to come back up, it's cool.

“God, please have Your face shine on us. Help us to be loyal. Help us to enjoy our relationship with You. And Father, I pray that this blessing would extend out, would ripple out, from every guy who's in this room to his family. We're very thankful for You, Father. Thank You for the security that we have, because we know how this ends, and it ends so well. We pray this in Jesus’ Name, amen.”

Brian: Amen.

[Applause]

Brant: Thank you!

Brian: One of the things I was thinking about is, this ship feels a little bit like half-time. You know, guys come in, [and] who knows what the score has been in their own home, coming onto this ship? They get on board, hopefully to get some encouragement. It's like, “But we’ve still got to go back to reality.”

So, if you think about a guy that's going, “I've been more of that insecure guy. I've been more like Eeyore in my own home, where everything affects me. And when my wife offends me, when I get hurt, [or] when we're in a conflict, I kind of shrink back.”

So, what's the one thing that you might encourage a guy to go, “Okay, take this step in your marriage.”

Brant: It's this thing I was talking about with loyalty every day. The prayer doesn't have to be long, you guys, but you're staying in contact about what's actually on your mind. And I've just learned that.

Brian: Yes.

Brant: So, that's what's going to change us: nothing short of actually spending time with God. And that has been a real help to me, starting the day with this. And I used to be like, “Oh, I don't want to do a daily quiet time. I don't want…,” and it's not about that. It's about you and God, talking about what you're going to do together.

So, I don't mean to just repeat the point, but it's true. It's about what's in front of us today. The prayer doesn't need to be long; because I grew up in a church where you’re like, “Please quit praying.” [Laughter] And then, I'm like, “The game starts in three minutes. I'm so hungry.”

I love Jesus for a number of reasons, but one thing [is what] He does when He does that prayer: “Our Father Who art in heaven,” [it’s] 25 seconds long. So, when He says, “Pray like this,” and then He keeps it really short. [Laughter]

Brian: Yes.

Brant: Honestly.

Brian: You love it! And then He says, “Follow Me.”

Brant: Yes!

Brian: So, He's saying, “Do that prayer!”

Brant: And I also learned that if your mind drifts—if you're like, “Oh, I have such a short attention span. I'm terrible at praying.” Me, too. That's pretty much everybody here, okay? [It] doesn't mean you're not spiritual.

A wiser, older guy actually told me—he said, “Well, take whatever it is—wherever your mind is going, and fold that back into your prayer, because that's what you're really concerned about right now.” That's real life. So, just go, “Okay,” and whatever that is that your mind keeps going to, talk to God about that. Don't beat yourself up for your mind bouncing and all. That's who we are. But He's really good, and I've just seen a lot coming from that.

The other thing is Scripture memorization. I used to balk at that. So, I was like, “It's not about Scripture memorizing. It's all about Jesus!” That's what I used to say. And then, I discovered something: almost every word out of Jesus’ mouth is memorized Scripture from the Old Testament

Brian: Yes.

Brant: Oh, wait. Okay, He has a really high regard for Scripture.

And then, I also realized that in this culture that we're in, the most punk rock thing you could possibly do is memorize Scripture. They can't take it from you. They can't. And you can turn it over in your head, even if you don't have a Bible or your phone with you. While you're walking, while you're going somewhere, you keep turning it over in your head. You get less anxious; you get less angry; you get to focus on what's true. So, that's a couple of tricks, just in the last few years that have really helped me grow up.

Brian: Yes. That's so good. And we've got Carolyn right here, and I just wonder—I'm not going to ask you to come up, but I want to know: would you [Brant] say that the difference in your marriage, from when you first started in marriage to where you are now, what has made that change for you? To love her well, to love your kids well; to become that secure? Were you always that secure provider, that secure protector? What's shifted for you?

Brant: No, it's been growing up. I mean, I was 20 when we got married. I didn't know how to grow a beard, [Laughter] so that may be the biggest—I think we've grown together, right? She's changed, too.

One of the remarkable things about her is she will read—like, it might be personality-type stuff—but she'll take it to heart where she needs to change. So, it's not beating me up, but when I see that change happen, it's really inspiring to me. That's really cool. The humility, even when we're in our 50s to say, “I've been this way, but I'm going to change now.”

Brian: Yes.

Brant: You don't just go, “Well, I'm done. I am who I am.” No, no, no, no. A disciple is always changing and learning.

Brian: Yes.

Brant: So, you can still learn things.

I've been really pleased when I've talked about this stuff. I talked with a group of really older guys the other day on Zoom^®, and I got done, and one guy was like, “I don't have any questions, but I'll tell you this: I've been using sarcasm my entire life with my wife. That stops today.”

Brian: That's good!

Brant: And I was like, “Dude, you are my hero. You're in your 70s or whatever. You’re like, ‘I'm changing.’” It's called repentance—

Brian: —repent!

Brant: —we change.

Brian: —to change, yes. 

Brant: Right, yes.

Brian: We can't use that: “Well, that's just the way that I am.” Well, who you are is causing chaos in your home. [Laughter] That’s not what God wants!

Brant: Right! He wants your home—

Brian: —and so, God's not going to be satisfied with you as you are.

Brant: Yes.

Brian: He wants to take you much farther.

Brant: And I want my home to be at peace.

Brian: Yes, absolutely.

Brant: That means security. If I'm angry, that doesn't breed security. That's not masculine.

Brian: Right.

Brant: Security is masculine.

Brian: So good.

Brant: So, if you act: you do the right thing to defend people in your home; you set boundaries; you’re doing it, and it's not out of anger, it’s about security, your home is going to be an oasis for everybody, a blessing.

Brian: So, start the day off being aware that God's presence is there.

Brant: Yes.

Brian: His hesed; His loving kindness. He is there. Access it.And then be open to growing. Ask yourself: “Where do I need to change?” Ask your wife, as you talk about these things: “This is what I learned,” because you know they're going to ask you that question: “So would you get out of that session?” [Laughter]

And I would just encourage you right now: write something down! You don't want to just look like a deer in headlights, “Uh, it was something good. I don't know.” [Laughter] Write something now. Put it on your phone, because she will ask you, and you want to have a good answer like, “This is how I'm going to apply this message that I just got. This is what I'm going to do differently in our marriage.”

Where can we catch you? I know that you're on the radio. You have a nationally syndicated radio show.

Brant: Yes, it's on a bunch of stations across the country, but I do a podcast, too. It's called Brant and Sherri Oddcast. [Applause] Thank you! Somebody listens to it.

Brant: Yes, there were two people. That was awesome.

Brant: Hey!

Brant: Give Brant Hansen a hand.

[Applause]

Brant: Thank you, guys.

[Studio]

Ann: This is FamilyLIfe Today, and we've been listening to a talk Brant Hansen gave on the Love Like You Mean It cruise. And at the end there, that was kind of fun for Brian Goins to come up and ask Brant some questions.

Dave: Yes. I think one of the most important takeaways from the last two days, which is one talk from Brant on the cruise—for me, as a man—[is] a reminder that God has called me to be a protector of the garden, just like he called Adam in the Garden of Eden. I'm called to protect you; to protect the vulnerable; to be your defender.

That's a high calling, and it doesn't always look like I'm pulling out a sword and chasing down a snake in a garden. Sometimes, it means I'm tender; I'm listening; I'm vulnerable, but I'm there; and I'm present at all times.

Ann: It was interesting. I was at a park, probably a month ago, with one of our sons, and he has four kids. We were at the park with the kids and his wife, and there were some teenagers at the park that were cursing and just being loud and kind of obnoxious. I watched Austin’s wife go and say something to them, and the boys didn't change.

And then I watched Austin go over, and the boys were on the swings, and he held the swing so that the boy couldn't go. Austin was kind, but he looked this boy, this teenager, in the eyes and said, “Hey, guys! There are a bunch of kids in this playground, and we don't want you to use that kind of language around these kids, so we'd really appreciate it—I would really like you—to stop using that kind of language.”

And I don't know, there's something in my heart, and I'm sure in Kendall's heart, too, that was like, “Thank you!” And there's a weightiness to the words of a man as he's looking into a younger man, and even a boy, really, that has weight and power.

Dave: Did they stop?

Ann: They did stop swearing. They were still laughing and, you know, messing around, just like boys do. But I did appreciate that they stopped, and I really appreciated the kids, the four kids, watching him go over, and watching his three sons see that as an example of a man that’s protecting the garden.

Dave: Way to go, Austin! [Laughter]

And I'm just hoping that as men listen to this broadcast today—the last two days, really—listening to Brant challenge us as men, I hope we step up and defend the garden; protect our spouse; protect our kids; protect our community, our neighborhoods, our churches. We’re called—I think women are called, too, but we as men have a special calling from God—to defend and cultivate the garden that God's given us.

And I would just like to say: boy, if you want to be on the cruise with us next year, there'll be more talks like what you just heard today. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com and sign up and be on the boat with us next year. It'll be fabulous!

Ann: Come with us! We want you to come!

Shelby: I'm Shelby Abbott, and you've been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Brant Hansen on FamilyLIfe Today. Brant has written a book called Men We Need: God's Purpose for the Manly Man, The Avid Indoorsman, or Any Man Willing to Show Up. You can get your copy of Brant's book right now by going online to FamilyLifeToday.com, or feel free to give us a call at 800-358-6329 to request your copy; again, that number is 800-“F” as in family, “L” as in life, and then the word, “TODAY”.

And Dave's right! You can spend time together with the Wilsons on the boat this February, on the Love Like You Mean It marriage cruise. It's happening from February 8th through the 15^th, and if you sign up before September 30^th—so you’ve got a few more days to do so; if you sign up before the 30^th—you're going to save $400 per stateroom that you book. So, head over to FamilyLifeToday.com and click on the Love Like You Mean It marriage cruise banner to book your stateroom right now.

Now, coming up next week, Sean McDowell, author of many books, including More Than a Carpenter, is going to be here with the Wilsons to talk about who Jesus was. Was He more than just a carpenter? Was He actually who He said He was? Was He a lunatic? There are lots of different arguments presented in his book that he wrote with his dad called More Than a Carpenter. Join us next week as Sean sits down with the Wilsons and talks about the updated version of More Than a Carpenter.

On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I’m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.

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