6 Tips on How To Find a Church for Your Family
Is it supposed to be this awkward and difficult to find a church?
That question sprinted laps around my head as Olivia and I took our twins on tour, searching for a church for our family. We didn’t want to admit it, but we were fatigued after visiting a fourth church. As new parents of twins, streaming services seemed increasingly more attractive after each new church we visited. But I knew God called me to lead my family according to His ways and getting involved with a church community is important to Him.
We’d just moved to a new city, and we started off excited to get plugged in and find a church community. Olivia and I personally knew that church engagement is a massive part of spiritual growth in Jesus, and we couldn’t leave it out.
Still, something to consider when leading your family to find a church is how exhausting it might be spiritually, mentally, and emotionally—even physically. But trust me. It’s still very worth it.
Why does it matter if you find a church?
Olivia and I witnessed the beautiful power of being surrounded with a community of Jesus-loving people when we got married as a young couple. The early days of our marriage and parenthood were saturated with the need for resources, especially when it came to living a godly marriage. Our church family poured into every need. Even some of our earliest memories of learning about Jesus are embedded within experiences at our church. But being a part of a local church is not just a box to check or a matter of convenience.
It’s a matter of our design.
God designed humans to gather together in community. The local church serves a pivotal part of His biblical blueprint for our life to be good and provides an opportunity for love-motivated obedience to God in not neglecting to meet together (Hebrews 10:24-25).
To Olivia and me, the local church is an extension of God’s family on Earth. Just as we are adopted into His family through faith in Christ, we are also adopted into a community of believers when we join a local church. This community allows us to experience the love, grace, and accountability God intends for His people.
Shouldn’t any church do?
While leading my family to find a church, I thought to myself, Aren’t all churches one body of Christ anyway? So shouldn’t we be good with any church? Let’s just go to this church across the street and call it a day.
After asking some mentors this question, they collectively revealed to me that though there are many churches out there, not just any church will do. The Bible teaches us to be discerning and wise in our choices, especially when it comes to matters of faith and spiritual growth.
The Apostle Paul warns of a time when people will gather around teachers who tell them what they want to hear rather than sound doctrine (2 Timothy 4:3-4). This is a reminder that not all churches will uphold the true teachings of the Bible.
I also began realizing that a church is not just a place to attend; rather, it’s a place for a family to belong.
So I made it immensely important for us to be intentional and compassionate to the needs of our family when looking for a church with my wife. That way, we would all become a part of a family where we connect with fellow believers, grow spiritually, and serve to use our gifts to build up the body of Christ.
During our search, I made some notes along the way. Here are a few tips to consider if you are wondering…
Where do I start?
1. Pray and seek God’s leadership.
Olivia and I had never had to find a new church together before. We had no idea what we were doing. I guess that made it even easier to surrender our ways to God. Though you might find yourself guided by your phone’s maps to find your way to a church, ask God for “divine GPS.” You’ll want more than Google Maps for this directional decision (Matthew 6:33, Proverbs 3:5-6).
2. Identify the type of church you’re looking for.
What are your nonnegotiables? What is needed for each member of the family? Make a list of what’s most important to you in glorifying God. As a young couple with young kids, here are just a few items from our list:
- Strong biblical teaching: solid, uncompromised, and relatable preaching that equips us and our kids with a deeper understanding of the Bible and its application to daily life.
- Nursery and childcare: having a safe and well-staffed nursery or childcare during services or events to fully participate without worrying about our little ones.
- Community and friendship: opportunities for us to connect with other parents, form friendships, and share experiences through the joys and struggles of parenthood.
Know what’s important for your family life in your current season, but also think about the long-term outlook. If you find the church is great, but lacking in an area important to you (e.g. youth group, men’s ministry, etc.), I’d encourage you to pray together and ask for input from your spiritual mentors before deciding to move on.
3. Check out the church’s website.
We found the “What We Believe” statement for each church we visited. We not only looked for what the statement said, but we looked for what it didn’t say.
We asked ourselves, “What does it say about the authority and sufficiency of Scripture? What does it say about salvation by grace alone through faith alone in Christ alone? What does it say about marriage, gender, and sexuality?”
We also looked on the leadership page to see if there was a shared leadership model by a plurality of elders.
If we liked the church, but something was off to us about their structure or beliefs, we made a point to ask one of the leaders before completely declining the opportunity to join.
4. Listen to a sermon or two by the lead pastor.
Olivia and I especially looked to see how long it took the pastor to say this phrase: “Open your Bibles.” We did this to see what priority God’s Word had at a church we were considering.
We asked ourselves, “Does the preacher open the Word often? Do they preach through a text or does he just use a few verses to support his points?”
Oftentimes, we’d watch a recorded livestream of a sermon from the lead pastor before deciding to visit in person. The preaching of the Word isn’t the only part of church, but it is a major part.
5. Visit the church
A mentor also advised me to send an email to the pastor to introduce myself and invite them to lunch. This helped me gauge how well my family’s values and expectations aligned with the church’s vision and beliefs, and it helped determine if the church was a good fit for my family.
If it’s a big church you should start with an associate pastor. Ask them about the core values and direction of the church. Be open to asking how you could serve to meet a need in the church too.
6. Listen to your wife as the helper God has given.
What’s funny is that the church we now attend is one that caught Olivia’s attention while we were grocery shopping. Had I not listened to her interest, we wouldn’t have found the church we call home today. But here are some other ways listening to her came in handy:
- Initiating a conversation after each church visit. This allowed us to openly share our thoughts and feelings about the church. I remember actively trying to create an atmosphere of trust and encouragement for open dialogue because it was uncharted territory for both of us.
- Taking her concerns seriously. Olivia was a new mom of twins and she was more sensitive than I was when it came to the safety and care of our babies. Taking her concerns seriously informed my prayers but also allowed me to lead considering her footing.
Deciding together
Recognizing the value of the partnership we share as husband and wife and allowing that partnership to extend to all aspects of your life, including spiritual matters, allows us to experience beauty every day at a church we chose together. Only God can design oneness that way, but I’m not the only one who testifies to that.
Here’s what my friend Carlos shared with me:
“When my wife and I first got married, we came from very different faith traditions. I was a Protestant, and she grew up Catholic. I knew I had to be the spiritual leader, but how could I do that if we couldn’t even agree on a church to go to on Sunday mornings?
It was tempting, but I couldn’t just find a church that was good for me and leave her behind. I needed to find a way to help her grow too. Through many difficult conversations, I learned a gymnasium church with a rock concert-style worship experience wouldn’t cut it. She needed a church with a reverent atmosphere where the worship came from the voices of the congregation and not a stack of giant speakers, spotlights, and smoke machines before she could trust the message.
It took several months, but we ultimately found a beautiful, old church complete with stained glass windows, a choir, and a massive pipe organ. It had the revenant feel she needed and the solid biblical teaching we both did. Over the next dozen years, the pastor helped us learn what it meant to really give our lives to Christ and set us on a path to eventually become missionaries.”
Find a church, not perfection
It’s important to always remember that no church is perfect. Why? Because churches are made up of imperfect people. Every congregation will have its strengths and areas that need improvement. Just like the imperfections within a marriage or family, the imperfections of a church don’t define its worth, but rather highlight the ongoing process of being made more like Jesus that we are all on as believers.
I’ve found that finding a church is about finding a spiritual family where you can grow, worship, and serve together with fellow believers. It’s about aligning yourself with a community that shares your passion for God and His Word, while also extending grace to one another as imperfect individuals.
So, as you search for a church, embrace that the journey will be imperfect and hard, but prioritize the foundational aspects of compassionate faith as you guide your family to seek a community that is actively growing and serving. Remember that while nothing is perfect, God can work powerfully through imperfect vessels to bring about His purposes and transform lives.
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Ashford Sonii is the next-generation pastor for Cape Carteret Baptist Church and a contributing writer for FamilyLife. He enjoys ministry, learning, and communicating practical life applications of God’s Word within marriage, family, and how to walk with Jesus. Ashford and his wife, Olivia, currently live in North Carolina with their twin girls, Ivey and Oakley.