Page 7 – FamilyLife®

On May 1, FamilyLife released its first feature-length movie, Like Arrows. To learn more about the film, we talked to Bob Lepine, FamilyLife senior vice president and co-host of the FamilyLife Today® radio broadcast. Bob also co-wrote the script, offered his creative direction, and is an executive producer along with Sherwood Pictures’ Stephen and Alex Kendrick, and FamilyLife co-founders Dennis and Barbara Rainey.

Briefly, what’s the story of Like Arrows?

Like Arrows is an honest portrayal of an ordinary couple journeying through every phase of parenting, from pregnancy to their golden anniversary. Like any other family, Charlie and Alice Morris face typical parenting struggles. Through these difficulties, they become aware of their need to be more intentional in their parenting and are introduced to God’s blueprints for marriage and family.

The parenting journey is both incredibly challenging and incredibly rewarding at the same time. We wanted to take viewers on what we hope will be a very relatable journey. And in the process, we hope they’ll be inspired to make their faith more core to how they function as a family.

A movie was not the original intent of this production. Can you explain the original idea and how you decided to make a full-length film?

People responded overwhelmingly to FamilyLife’s first two video conference products, The Art of Marriage® and Stepping Up®. They’re both centered on God’s blueprints for marriage and for biblical manhood, and both are driven by the power of story.

Because this proved such an effective approach, we spent more than a year praying about what we should do next as a video series. We talked about a project for engaged couples, a series for women. But we came back to parenting. It’s an area where we felt like there is significant need, and it’s an area where we already have a lot of content as a ministry.

More than two decades ago, FamilyLife was doing parenting conferences. People loved the content but didn’t like the delivery system of a weekend getaway to talk about parenting. So a video series on parenting seemed like a great way to take solid content and make it more accessible for moms and dads.

The content developed by FamilyLife co-founders Dennis and Barbara Rainey is timeless, because it’s really all about what the Bible tells moms and dads about parenting. We’re dealing with eternal truth on parenting, not 21^st century felt needs. That’s not to say that we’re not dealing with the real issues parents are facing today; it just means that we’re getting to the core issues that parents have faced in every generation.

And so how did that become a movie? And how did the Kendrick brothers get involved?

The Kendricks were already familiar with The Art of Marriage and Stepping Up. They were fans of both projects, and in fact, anyone who’s gone through Stepping Up knows that Alex has a cameo role in a scene with Dennis Rainey. After those projects, they asked what we were doing next. When they heard it was about parenting, they wanted to help.

When we decided to go ahead with production, I called them and told them what FamilyLife was thinking and asked their advice. A couple of phone conversations led to a trip to Albany, Georgia, and working together to tell the story how it needed to be told. Really, they were in from the beginning.

When we first started outlining the continuing story we were going to tell in FamilyLife’s Art of Parenting^®, in the middle of the storyboarding process, we all kind of looked at each other and began to wonder aloud if it could work as a movie.

Stephen and Alex Kendrick were among those in the room. Stephen said that most people who dream of doing a Christian movie end up disappointed. Even with the success of Christian movies today, most don’t do well in the box office. His advice to us was to shoot the story you need, and if it turns out to be a movie and God’s hand is in it, that will be great.

So we shot the whole story with Art of Parenting in mind, and it wasn’t until we got the package together that we realized it works better in one single setting than in session chapters.

You have had a successful career in radio. Now, this is three video projects you’ve headed up, all of which have been of high quality. Have you been secretly fancying yourself as a filmmaker?

What I’ve had a passion for my whole life is how to effectively communicate truth. Radio was the path that God put me on decades ago. Doing The Art of Marriage, Stepping Up, and now FamilyLife’s Art of Parenting, I had a vision for what could happen with video curriculum but didn’t know if I had the ability to pull this off. Each project has been increasingly more complex. We went into each with fear and trembling. Like Moses, I called to the Lord that if it was going to get done, He was going to have to do it.

This whole thing was that we are out of our league unless God’s hand was on this. That goes back to the first conversation I had with Alex and Stephen. They told us that dozens of people have a vision and dream for making a faith-based movie. Most of those people pour themselves into a project for a couple of years and wind up disappointed that more people didn’t see it.

I was pretty intimidated by the fact that I could spend a lot of FamilyLife’s money and wind up with a really bad movie. With the script, acting, directing, sound … there are so many elements that could have not happened at a professional level and could have been an embarrassment to FamilyLife. We’ve seen people before who have spent a lot more money to make a movie and come away with bad stuff. So the intimidation factor was high. I just kept asking the Lord to protect us.

In the midst of the process, Alex and Stephen gave us some good advice: “We always tell people, if God’s telling you to do this, you need to obey God, whether it’s a success or not. Make sure it’s not just your burden or your desire.”

That advice helped us calibrate this whole project. Continually as the projected unfolded we were asking God, “Are we doing what You want us to do?”

How has the response been in the pre-screenings of Like Arrows?

We have tested this movie in about eight cities, and audiences have been very enthusiastic. There have been some people who have compared the movie to the TV show This Is Us. And I’m a fan of that show. I think the emotional tone of the movie is similar to the emotional tone that show hits with its audience. When asked about their biggest takeaway from the movie, test audiences told us that the movie gave them hope … hope that it’s never too late.

If there was a recurring negative comment, it was mainly from people who wish we could have told more of the story. Because the phases of parenting don’t move at the same pace or have equal impact, there are some big time gaps in the story that we’re telling, which show up clearly in Like Arrows.

How do you think the movie and the resource will be received by a broader audience? What would make this movie a success?

At the core, we’ll measure success in terms of impact. If a movie like this can motivate and equip people to think differently about their priorities as a family, that’s what success looks like to us. Hopefully people who see the movie will be motivated to go through FamilyLife’s Art of Parenting content and get more help for their journey.

Like Arrows is being shown as a two-day Fathom Event. Why did you choose that route?

We explored different options. We thought about trying to put our movie out as a traditional theatrical film, but the cost to market and promote a movie made that pretty prohibitive. And we thought about going direct to DVD or video on demand, but the impact would have been significantly less. Over the last four years, the Fathom event model has emerged as a way for ministries to connect with people in a great environment using film. So when the folks at Fathom reviewed the movie and agreed that it fit their model for distribution, we saw that as God opening a door to reaching more people than we might have otherwise reached.

Many of you are familiar with the popular television show, This Is Us. It is an absorbing, emotional saga that portrays a modern family, moving back and forth from the present to scenes from the past and future. Each family member has a story to tell and issues to face. I can’t even begin to explain how all this works—and if you haven’t watched This Is Us yet, be sure to start from the very beginning.

I watch this show and think, Wow, I’m glad I don’t have a family with all these problems. But then I realize that my life has been touched with issues similar to what is portrayed on this TV drama. In my extended family, we have seen divorce, alcohol and drug addiction, children born out of wedlock, extramarital affairs, sexual molestation … the list goes on and on.

Once I was at a Christmas party, and we were talking about “our worst Christmas.” I told about the time in my childhood when a cousin, who was living with us at the time, got in an argument with a drunk uncle. He ended up knocking her into our Christmas tree, and the tree broke in half. It wasn’t exactly a Norman Rockwell Christmas moment.

My guess is that most of you could list issues like this in your own family. As a result, we struggle to build the type of family we want—our past makes it difficult to experience what God intended for us. And as we raise our children, we pray that they will make the right decisions so their lives won’t follow a path that leads to heartache and destruction.

I think of the verse in John 10:10 where Jesus says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” So why are so many people living a life of destruction?

One reason is that we are sinners. Our basic nature is to follow the path of self-destruction. Only when you give your life totally to Christ can you break the cycle of sin patterns in your life.

I look at my own life and thank God that as an 18-year-old I chose to follow Christ. As a result, I was able to break a chain of what I call “generational sins.” Does it mean I don’t have issues? Well, if you know me, you know perfection is not a word to describe me. But I’ve have had a marriage that has lasted since 1979 because both my husband and I have dedicated our lives to following God.

As a result, my children grew up in a home that was far different from the home of destruction and chaos that I knew as a child. I thank God daily for the grace He has shown me in my imperfect life.

So when I watch This Is Us, I realize that the show really does paint what life is like today in so many of our families. I also know that a lot of destructive issues can be avoided simply by walking with God daily and following the principles taught in the Bible.

As I look back over the years, I see that God has allowed me to paint a new picture of family. As we commit our lives daily to God, we begin to paint a new picture of “This is us.”

I was camping for the weekend in the Endless Mountains of Pennsylvania with five of our six kids. My wife, Jill, was home with our 8-year-old daughter, Kim. After a disastrous camping experience the summer before, Jill was happy to stay home. She said she was giving up camping for Lent.

I was walking down from our campsite to our Dodge Caravan when I noticed our 14-year-old daughter, Ashley, standing in front of the van, tense and upset. When I asked her what was wrong, she said, “I lost my contact lens. It’s gone.” I looked down with her at the forest floor, covered with leaves and twigs. There were a million little crevices for the lens to fall into and disappear.

I said, “Ashley, don’t move. Let’s pray.” But before I could pray, she burst into tears. “What good does it do? I’ve prayed for Kim to speak, and she isn’t speaking.”

Kim struggles with autism and developmental delay. Because of her weak fine motor skills and problems with motor planning, she is also mute. One day, after five years of speech therapy, Kim crawled out of the speech therapist’s office, crying from frustration. Jill said, “No more,” and we stopped speech therapy.

Prayer was no mere formality for Ashley. She had taken God at His word and asked that He would let Kim speak. But nothing happened. Kim’s muteness was testimony to a silent God. Prayer, it seemed, doesn’t work.

Few of us have Ashley’s courage to articulate the quiet cynicism or spiritual weariness that develops in us when heartfelt prayer goes unanswered. We keep our doubts hidden even from ourselves because we don’t want to sound like bad Christians. No reason to add shame to our cynicism. So our hearts shut down.

The glib way people talk about prayer often reinforces our cynicism. We end our conversations with “I’ll keep you in my prayers.” We have a vocabulary of “prayer speak,” including “I’ll lift you up in prayer” and “I’ll remember you in prayer.” Many who use these phrases, including us, never get around to praying. Why? Because we don’t think prayer makes much difference.

Cynicism and glibness are just part of the problem. The most common frustration is the activity of praying itself. We last for about 15 seconds, and then, out of nowhere, the day’s to-do list pops up and our minds are off on a tangent. We catch ourselves and, by sheer force of the will, go back to praying. Before we know it, it has happened again. Instead of praying, we are doing a confused mix of wandering and worrying. Then the guilt sets in. Something must be wrong with me. Other Christians don’t seem to have this trouble praying. After five minutes, we give up, saying, “I’m no good at this. I might as well get some work done.”

Something is wrong with us. Our natural desire to pray comes from Creation. We are made in the image of God. Our inability to pray comes from the Fall. Evil has marred the image. We want to talk to God but can’t. The friction of our desire to pray, combined with our badly damaged prayer antennae, leads to constant frustration. It’s as if we’ve had a stroke.

Complicating this is the enormous confusion about what makes for good prayer. We vaguely sense that we should begin by focusing on God, not on ourselves. So when we start to pray, we try to worship. That works for a minute, but it feels contrived; then guilt sets in again. We wonder, Did I worship enough? Did I really mean it?

In a burst of spiritual enthusiasm, we put together a prayer list, but praying through the list gets dull, and nothing seems to happen. The list gets long and cumbersome; we lose touch with many of the needs. Praying feels like whistling in the wind. When someone is healed or helped, we wonder if it would have happened anyway. Then we misplace the list.

Praying exposes how self-preoccupied we are and uncovers our doubts. It was easier on our faith not to pray. After only a few minutes, our prayer is in shambles. Barely out of the starting gate, we collapse on the sidelines—cynical, guilty, and hopeless.

The hardest place in the world to pray

American culture is probably the hardest place in the world to learn to pray. We are so busy that when we slow down to pray, we find it uncomfortable. We prize accomplishments, production. But prayer is nothing but talking to God. It feels useless, as if we are wasting time. Every bone in our bodies screams, “Get to work.”

When we aren’t working, we are used to being entertained. Television, the internet, video games, and smart phones make free time as busy as work. When we do slow down, we slip into a stupor. Exhausted by the pace of life, we veg out in front of a screen or with earplugs.

If we try to be quiet, we are assaulted by what C.S. Lewis called “the Kingdom of Noise.” Everywhere we go we hear background noise. If the noise isn’t provided for us, we can bring our own with technology.

Even our church services can have that same restless energy. There is little space to be still before God. We want our money’s worth, so something should always be happening. We are uncomfortable with silence.

One of the subtlest hindrances to prayer is probably the most pervasive. In the broader culture and in our churches, we prize intellect, competency, and wealth. Because we can do life without God, praying seems nice but unnecessary. Money can do what prayer does, and it is quicker and less time-consuming. Our trust in ourselves and in our talents makes us structurally independent of God. As a result, exhortations to pray don’t stick.

The oddness of praying

It’s worse if we stop and think about how odd prayer is. When we have a phone conversation, we hear a voice and can respond. When we pray, we are talking to air. Only crazy people talk to themselves. How do we talk with a Spirit, with someone who doesn’t speak with an audible voice?

And if we believe that God can talk to us in prayer, how do we distinguish our thoughts from His thoughts? Prayer is confusing. We vaguely know that the Holy Spirit is somehow involved, but we are never sure how or when a spirit will show up or what that even means. Some people seem to have a lot of the Spirit. We don’t.

Forget about God for a minute. Where do you fit in? Can you pray for what you want? And what is the point of praying if God already knows what you need? Why bore God? It sounds like nagging. Just thinking about prayer ties us all up in knots.

Has this been your experience? If so, know that you have lots of company. Most Christians feel frustrated when it comes to prayer!

A visit to a prayer therapist

Let’s imagine that you see a prayer therapist to get your prayer life straightened out. The therapist says, “Let’s begin by looking at your relationship with your heavenly Father. God said, ‘I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me’ (2 Corinthians 6:18). What does it mean that you are a son or daughter of God?”

You reply that it means you have complete access to your heavenly Father through Jesus. You have true intimacy, based not on how good you are but on the goodness of Jesus. Not only that, Jesus is your brother. You are a fellow heir with Him.

The therapist smiles and says, “That is right. You’ve done a wonderful job of describing the doctrine of Sonship. Now tell me, what it is like for you to be with your Father? What is it like to talk with Him?”

You cautiously tell the therapist how difficult it is to be in your Father’s presence, even for a couple of minutes. Your mind wanders. You aren’t sure what to say. You wonder, Does prayer make any difference? Is God even there? Then you feel guilty for your doubts and just give up.

Your therapist tells you what you already suspect. “Your relationship with your heavenly Father is dysfunctional. You talk as if you have an intimate relationship, but you don’t. Theoretically, it is close. Practically, it is distant. You need help.”

Ashley’s contact

I needed help when Ashley burst into tears in front of our minivan. I was frozen, caught between her doubts and my own. I had no idea that she’d been praying for Kim to speak. What made Ashley’s tears so disturbing was that she was right. God had not answered her prayers. Kim was still mute. I was fearful for my daughter’s faith and for my own. I did not know what to do.

Would I make the problem worse by praying? If we prayed and couldn’t find the contact, it would just confirm Ashley’s growing unbelief. Already, Jill and I were beginning to lose her heart. Her childhood faith in God was being replaced by faith in boys. Ashley was cute, warm, and outgoing. Jill was having trouble keeping track of Ashley’s boyfriends, so she started naming them like ancient kings. Ashley’s first boyfriend was Frank, so his successors became Frank the Second, Frank the Third, and so on. Jill and I needed help.

I had little confidence God would do anything, but I prayed silently, Father, this would be a really good time to come through. You’ve got to hear this prayer for the sake of Ashley. Then I prayed aloud with Ashley, “Father, help us to find this contact.”

When I finished, we bent down to look through the dirt and twigs. There sitting on a leaf, was the missing lens.

Prayer made a difference after all.

We hadn’t been married a week before our differences threatened to drive a wedge between us. I can’t recall the reason Josh and I were fighting that night, but I do remember going to bed angry at my new husband. On our honeymoon.

Even then, doubt crept into my mind, making me question whether we were well suited for each other. As a newly-married unbeliever, I didn’t have a clue what the purpose for marriage was back then, or if there was one at all. Now, I know God’s plan for marriage is to reflect the fullness of who He is in an increasingly empty world. And He gives us an amazing example of what that should look like through Jesus’ life—and death—on earth. And this story, the greatest story in history, has nothing to do with jellybeans and rabbits.

Marriage and Easter

This time of year, we reflect quite a bit on the Easter story—the story of Christ’s betrayal, His sacrifice, His death, and ultimately, the Resurrection that changed the course of history and mankind’s relationship with our Creator. But what does this have to do with marriage? More than you might think.

If our marriage is meant to reflect the image of God, we have no better example than Christ, the living embodiment of God’s love. In His omniscience, God knew what marriage would take. Through His sacrifice, He showed us that our love for each other and even for Him wasn’t enough. We needed His love. We need Him.

Here are seven things we can learn about marriage from Easter.

1. Betrayal can come from those we love and trust the most. Jesus knew this all too well. Judas—one of the 12, the few in Jesus’ inner circle—betrayed Him by turning Him in to the chief priests. This man had walked long roads beside Jesus. Sat at His side and dipped bread with Him. To make the betrayal sting a little more, Judas identified Jesus to the authorities with a kiss (Mark 14:44).

Betrayal hurts. When it comes from someone we love and trust, it cuts all the deeper. And some of your deepest pain will likely come from your spouse. Getting betrayed or hurt is a risk we take in marriage. No marriage is immune. But our response to the offense has to reflect the faith and trust we have in Christ. We can choose to love our spouse even when we feel betrayed.

2. We aren’t above betraying the ones we love. Peter was passionate about his relationship with Christ. When Jesus told Peter he would disown Him three times before the rooster crowed, Peter just couldn’t fathom it. “Even if I must die with you, I will not deny you!” Peter told Him. Yet, before the night had ended, Peter “wept bitterly” after he denied His Savior not once, but three times (Matthew 26:34-75).

Matthew 26:41 tells us “The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” I can relate to that verse. I don’t ever want to hurt my husband. But I have, and I do. Sometimes it’s unintentional: My words often rush out before my brain can catch up. Other times, I know the words that cut deep and allow them to leave my lips without fully assessing the damage they will cause. None of us are above hurting our spouse, no matter how much we try. Remember, “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18).

Is your love for real? Find out in Bob Lepine's new book, Love Like You Mean It.

3. Others won’t believe your marriage can be saved. As they gazed upon the suffering Christ, the chief priests mocked Him. “He saved others; he cannot save himself,” they said. “Let the Christ, the King of Israel, come down now from the cross that we may see and believe” (Mark 15:31-32). The sad irony of their words is that because they refused to believe, they would never see their own salvation on that cross.

Our culture is a brutal place to try to save a dying marriage. Not only do an increasing number of people not believe in the lasting power of marriage, many will gladly take a front seat to watch your marriage die. They’ll mock you and your spouse and say divorce is a better option. Protect your relationship by surrounding yourself with people who encourage your marriage rather than dragging it down.

4. Marriage takes sacrifice. Jesus knew what was coming. He prayed in Gethsemane, “My father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will” (Matthew 26:39). Later, before He was nailed to the cross, “they offered him wine to drink, mixed with gall, but when he tasted it, he would not drink it” (Matthew 27:34). The wine concoction offered to Jesus was one typically offered to slightly ease the pain of those condemned to death. Jesus refused to numb even a fraction of the sacrifice He was about to make.

It sometimes seems like a no-brainer that we would give our lives for our spouses. But what about in the day to day? Are you willing to sacrifice your comfort, your preferences, even being right for your spouse? On a much smaller level, sacrificing yourself for your spouse is putting their best interests above your own through a series of choices that can seem insignificant.

5. Marriage takes forgiveness. Jesus’ sacrifice guaranteed God’s forgiveness for those who love Him. Even through the pain of the cross, He called out on behalf of those who crucified Him. “Jesus said, ‘Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do'” (Luke 23:34).

Forgiveness isn’t just something we’ve been given, it’s also something we, as followers of Christ, are told to do. In Colossians, Paul says, “as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive” (3:13). Your spouse is going to mess up. A lot. You are too, perhaps even more. A good marriage involves a lot of asking for, giving, and receiving forgiveness.

6. Marriage takes faith. After the tomb was found empty, Jesus appeared to His disciples. Thomas wasn’t there. And when the others told him they had seen the Lord, Thomas was skeptical. “Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe.” A week later, Thomas found himself face-to-face with Jesus, who offered his hands to Thomas. “Do not disbelieve,” Jesus told him, “but believe” (John 20:24-29).

There have been times it was a struggle to find the good in my marriage. It was like trying to find a match in the darkness. I couldn’t see things getting any better, and to be honest, I didn’t always want to. Holding on when you want to let go takes faith. Even a little. When the disciples couldn’t heal a boy, Jesus told them it was a faith issue. “For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you” (Matthew 17:20).

Which brings me to my last point …

7. We all need a Savior. The apostle John recorded the last words Jesus spoke on the cross to be, “It is finished” (John 19:30). Finished was His atonement for our sins. No one else could have paid the heavy debt we carried but the Son of God.

Marriage is a blessing, but make no mistake, it’s hard at times. You and your spouse can’t do it on your own strength and determination. Much like the criminal hanging next to Jesus who said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom” (Luke 23:42), we need to recognize our need for a Savior. And much like the disciples who were standing before their risen Lord, we need Him to breathe life into us (and into our marriage) with the Holy Spirit (John 20:22).

Your spouse needs Jesus as much as you do—no more, no less. Remembering this can help you view him or her differently. If your spouse is a believer, then they are no longer the sum of all their sins. If you are married to an unbeliever, then never stop praying for their salvation.

God used the death and Resurrection of His Son to restore our relationship with Him. Do you doubt He can restore your marriage? Remember, the Easter story isn’t one of death and defeat. No, it’s a story of overcoming death in victory. With God, your marriage story can be one of victory, as well.

In the wake of Billy Graham’s death at age 99, the media is naturally focusing on the unparalleled impact the evangelist had around the world. As the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association reports, “Throughout his life, Billy Graham preached the gospel of Jesus Christ to some 215 million people who attended one of his more than 400 Crusades, simulcasts and evangelistic rallies in more than 185 countries and territories. He reached millions more through TV, video, film, the internet, and 34 books.”

But one aspect of Graham’s life may not receive focus—his marriage of over 63 years to Ruth Bell Graham. And that is unfortunate, because their marriage is a grand story in itself.

Billy and Ruth met when they were students at Wheaton College. Ruth grew up in China as the daughter of missionaries, and she had planned to become a missionary herself. After Billy proposed, she eventually decided that God was calling her to a different path, so she set aside her own personal goals to become Billy’s wife.

After Ruth died in 2007, it was interesting to see some writers discuss this decision made back in 1941, as if it was quaint and old fashioned, and perhaps a bit tragic. How many modern women, they said, would make the same choice? One writer for The Washington Post wrote, “What a sign of those times, one might say. Or, how sad. The world will never know what else Ruth Graham … could have accomplished …”

What the world often fails to understand is that God often calls people to set aside their own plans in order to follow Him … and then He uses them in greater ways as a result. When God put this couple together, He created an incredible partnership in which each person made the other stronger and more effective in reaching people for Christ. Ruth, for example, was put in a position where all her gifts—for writing, for raising children, for influencing others—could flourish. God used her in ways she could never have imagined.

An essential element of Billy Graham’s impact was his marriage to Ruth—a woman who provided love, counsel, and spiritual guidance. A true partner who gave him a secure home life and retreat.

As Robert Schuller, former pastor of the Crystal Cathedral in Southern California, said: “I think Ruth Graham is the most powerful woman of the 20th century. Not one of the most, but the most powerful woman, because Billy Graham’s ministry is unmatched in history and she was the woman behind his success.”

A strain on his home life

After his 1949 crusade in Los Angeles, Graham’s fame and influence exploded, and he began holding crusades around the world. This often put a strain on his marriage and family life, because he was often gone for weeks and even months at a time.

“I now warn young evangelists not to make the mistakes I did,” he wrote in his autobiography, Just As I Am. “But Ruth reminds me that the situation is different today. There are many more evangelists and far more Christian programs on television and radio, so perhaps the need for constant travel is less necessary. When I started years ago, I was responding to an urgent need in the best way I knew how. And God has been faithful.”

He went on to write, “The secret of Ruth’s survival was in her commitment—not only her marriage commitment before God of her love for me, but also her ministry commitment of the two of us to the Lord’s purpose for our lives together. And Ruth will be the first to say that she loved her part—staying home with the children.”

They didn’t have a perfect marriage, he wrote, “but we have a great one.” By that, he meant that they learned, with God’s grace, to live with each other’s imperfections. In fact, one of Ruth’s well-known quotes is, “A happy marriage is the union of two forgivers.”

Some of the best insights into their marriage emerged after Ruth’s death. At her memorial service, Billy said, “She was an incredible woman. We were married for nearly 64 years. I wish you could look into the casket because she’s so beautiful. I sat there for a long time just looking at her and praying, because I know she had a great reception in heaven.”

Anne Graham Lotz, one of their daughters, said, “She loved our daddy, and she taught us to love and adore him. But there was something in her life that was greater than her love for our daddy, and that was her love for Jesus and her love for God’s Word.”

Staying faithful

A man like Billy Graham will always have critics. There were some who didn’t like Billy Graham’s evangelical theology. He was criticized for some of his friendships with presidents. But he avoided any hint of scandal over his marriage and his personal life.

In the early days of Graham’s ministry, his team took steps to avoid some of the traps that had ensnared other evangelists. He wanted to ensure that he stayed faithful to Ruth, so the team instituted what some today call the “Billy Graham Rule.” As Graham explained it in Just As I Am:

We all knew of evangelists who had fallen into immorality while separated from their families by travel. We pledged among ourselves to avoid any situation that would have even the appearance of compromise or suspicion. From that day on, I did not travel, meet, or eat alone with a woman other than my wife. We determined that the Apostle Paul’s mandate to the young pastor Timothy would be ours as well: ‘Flee … youthful lusts’ (2 Timothy 2:22, KJV).

The secret

In the wake of Billy’s death, two quotes appear on the Billy Graham Association website.

The first is from Billy Graham: “My one purpose in life is to help people find a personal relationship with God, which I believe comes from knowing Christ.”

The second is from Ruth, reminiscing on what attracted her to Billy: “He was a man who had a purpose, a dedication in life; he knew where he was going. He wanted to please God more than any man I’d ever met.”

These words say a lot about the secret to a successful marriage—even one where the husband was constantly traveling. For Billy and Ruth Graham, it was all about serving Christ … together.

Visit the memorial site online at the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association and read the articles in the tribute to Billy Graham at Christianity Today.

Also, read Ruth’s thoughts on incompatibility in marriage.

This year, my husband and I will celebrate our 17th Valentine’s Day together. Fourteen of those were spent in wedded bliss (mostly, anyway). Over the years, there were several times I felt as if that tiny Cupid guy really did shoot his arrow directly into my heart. But to be honest, the Valentine’s Days I remember most are the ones that weren’t charged to a credit card and didn’t involve elaborate meals and a $100 bouquet of roses.

One year, Josh excitedly presented me with a shiny DVD in a blank case (every girl’s dream, right?). When I popped the disc in the player, I got a bit mushy. He had compiled several of my favorite photos—from our dating years, the wedding, the births of our two children—and set the whole thing to music that brought back just as many memories.

Another year, he gave me a sketching he had done of my favorite wedding picture of the two of us—just after we had walked outside onto the large front porch of the building, and I was whispering something to him. My husband can be a real romantic when he wants to be. But the point I am trying to make is that he did this all for a few bucks, at most.

No need to break the bank

Americans spent more than $18 billion to celebrate Cupid’s big day in 2017, according to the National Retail Federation. Yikes. That breaks down to more than $136 per person, and those numbers were even higher in 2016. Not that there is anything wrong with spending money on your Valentine. If you can and want to shower your love with dozens of roses and a diamond bracelet, go right on ahead. Me? I’m more of a simple and sincere kind of girl—I don’t want anything over the top, I just want to know you mean it.

There were plenty of Valentine’s Days where Josh and I had no extra funds to spend on each other. Money was tight, and dinners out were an extravagance. Our celebrations included dinner at home after babies were put to bed and the rare rented movie that wasn’t animated. But we were okay with that.

Whether your funds are extensive or still recovering from the holidays, there’s no need to break the bank to show your forever Valentine they’re still the one that makes your heart melt. Sometimes, a little creativity, maybe a few dollars, and a little foresight are all that’s needed to make an unforgettable and budget-friendly way to say “Be mine, Valentine.”

Here are 10 ideas to get those romantic wheels turning.

1. Skip the restaurants.

My husband and I have a general rule to never eat out on Valentine’s Day. Even before we had kids, the three-hour wait was nothing we enjoyed. One year, we made reservations and still waited nearly an hour before actually eating. Do both of you a favor and stay home. Cook your spouse’s favorite meal instead, or tuck the kids in bed a little early and whip up something special together in the kitchen. Seriously, I am just talking about food here. But then again …

2. Pen your love a letter.

Go ahead and tell her your heart rate still goes up a notch when she enters the room. Tell your husband how secure his strength makes you feel. Whatever it is you love about your spouse, let them know. You don’t have to be Shakespeare and write a beautiful sonnet … Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Plain and to the point works well too … I love you like crazy. I am thankful for you. I couldn’t live without you.

3. Give them a vacation from chores.

For one week, take over some of your spouse’s responsibilities at home—do the dishes and laundry, mow the lawn and weed those flowerbeds, bathe the kids and put them to bed. Not only will you be giving your spouse a break from many of the pressures of home life, but you are recognizing the things they do that seem to go unnoticed. That is a gift itself.

4. Use your natural gifts.

Musically inclined? I’m slightly jealous. Write them an original song or sing/play one of their favorites. Good with tools? Build your love something inexpensive to make, like a jewelry box or a small trunk to hold a treasured possession. Whatever you do well, find a way to turn that into something that tells your spouse you care.

5. Choose something sentimental, but not pricey.

Maybe attempting to make a homemade gifts sounds almost painful. You can still come up with a creatively sentimental present. I spent $10 recently on a shirt my husband sports proudly. It bears a slogan from a favorite TV show we binge-watched together. It means little to anyone else, but is an inside joke we share. Maybe buy her a copy of the first movie you two watched together on a date, or a CD with the first song you danced to. Write a little note to go with it saying you’re happy to spend the rest of your life dating them again and again.

6. Pamper them at home.

For less than $5, you can pick up some bubble bath, a candle, and some hot tea at most dollar stores. When your wife gets home, let her relax while you take care of the dinner details. Wives, you can similarly pamper your husbands. Wash and vacuum his car, or rub his feet after a long day of work. Backrubs are always a good idea for men or women. And one size fits all!

7. Plan a date at your local park.

Weather permitting, that is. One year my husband surprised me with my mother coming over to watch the kids and a note on where to meet him. He was at our local park, where he had rented a pavilion (which are often free or super cheap). A fire in the fireplace, music, and a light meal were waiting on me. It was like something from a movie. But the possibilities don’t end there. Enjoy a walk or bike ride with your love, and hide a small treat somewhere along the way for them to find.

8. Send the kids packing.

Call Grandma, make a deal with another couple with young kids, whatever. If possible, send the kids away for a night so you can have the entire house to yourselves. Set the phone on do not disturb and enjoy one uninterrupted evening of laughing, loving, and just being husband and wife.

9. Relive a first date.

On our first date, we ate Italian food and headed to a movie. We saw Red Dragon (which terrified me) because we hadn’t really planned on movie times, and it was the only one starting within 30 minutes. To recreate our first date on a budget, I’d lay out a white tablecloth, set out a basket of breadsticks, and serve my handsome hubby homemade lasagna (what he ordered on October 12, 2002). I’d probably skip the movie this round because I am a big wimp.

If your first date was a concert, make a playlist on your phone that relives the moments that started a lifetime of love. Whatever it was, find a way to recreate the moment and moods that made her say yes to a second date.

10. Create a Valentine’s tradition.

My parents have a super romantic anniversary tradition that started years ago. They eat chili dogs. I know this sends your heart into palpitations. The messy hot dog celebration started when they still had kids in the house, no relatives nearby to watch me and my brothers, and money was tight. It was an easy, inexpensive meal, but it became a tradition. Even when they celebrated their 25th anniversary in Mexico, they managed to find a place serving chili dogs.

Why not make this year the year of new traditions? Traditions not only bond our families but our marriages as well. Maybe you want to be a bit fancier than hot dogs and canned chili. (Or maybe not, that’s okay too!) You could start a tradition of spending the holiday wrapped up in blankets, steaming cups of hot cocoa, and your favorite romance movie. Or channel your inner Iron Chefs and download an adventurous cooking video to follow along with. Whatever you do, make it your thing.

In the end, the day isn’t about reservations at the hottest new restaurant, or yet another piece of jewelry just after Christmas. It’s about showing your spouse you’d still choose them, no matter how many Valentine’s Days you celebrate together. And I know, I know. It’s more important to let them know this every day. But a sweet reminder on a cold February day won’t hurt either.

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Four ways to be nag free

Believe it or not, there is a way we wives can have our needs met and still be nag free. At first, it’s difficult to embrace this shift in thinking, but with some practice, I think you’ll find that these suggestions will make life easier for the whole family.

1. Let go of control. At times I feel the sole responsibility of life has fallen on my shoulders, and it’s my job to make sure everything gets done. It seems if I don’t nag, my family won’t do their jobs, and everything will fall to pieces. Ever feel that way?

As I probed to find the motivation behind my nagging, I discovered that it came down to one powerful factor—fear of losing control. Angie Peters, author of several women’s Bible studies and the book Celebrate Home, confirms that feeling in her own life:

My nagging can probably be traced back to times when I don’t trust my husband and/or a constant need to be “in control.” I’m not confident that he will follow through on something I’ve asked him to do because he’s forgotten before.

When I think about it, it’s sad how quickly I forget the million and one things he always remembers to do without my reminders, my thanks, or even my recognition—but I still let the fear that he won’t follow through cause me to keep harping at him.

Nagging is fueled by fear, and we’re afraid that things are not going to get done when and how we want them to be. For example, if guests are coming over on Sunday, I want the lawn to be mowed before they come. If the lawn isn’t mowed on Friday, I start nagging. If it’s not done on Saturday, I go into panic-nagging, hoping there’s still time.

I gave this scenario to my husband, explaining, “I’m afraid the lawn might not get mowed in time.”

To which he replied, “So what? It’s not the end of the world!”

Good point. Many of us wives need to learn to let go of some things. So the floor is dirty? So the grass is long? So a light bulb is burned out? Life goes on. Not everything has to be the way you want it, when you want it. I’m ashamed to think how many fights I might have avoided by letting go of little things.

2. Talk to your husband about your needs. There are times when things can’t be overlooked, when wives really do need husbands to do something important, like pay the bills on time or make sure the kids aren’t late for school—things that have real consequences.

There are also times when we want our husbands to do something extremely important to us personally. Karon explains, “When my husband doesn’t place the same importance on something that is important to me, it makes me feel second-string to the other things that he’s doing instead.”

These needs are legitimate, but your husband can’t read your mind—men generally think differently than women. At these times, you need to tell him what’s important to you and how his actions (or lack thereof) make you feel. Find a time that’s convenient for you both, and then discuss your needs. Try not to fuss or fight, but rather, come to a compromise to resolve the issues.

It’s also important to remember that husbands do forget things—they are only human, just like you. When they fail to fulfill your expectations, they aren’t always disregarding your needs or feelings. Bobbie Thornton of St. Mary’s, Georgia, recently had this revelation:

When my husband says, “I forgot” or “I was busy,” I usually say, “No, you didn’t remember because you didn’t care.” I assume I know his true intentions, and I won’t even let him talk. I frequently put words in his mouth, and that makes him feel his opinions aren’t important.

Your spouse is not your enemy; he’s your partner, your comrade, your friend. If you can learn to tackle issues as a team, not as opponents, you will begin to see a change in the way you interact, and there will be less of a need for nagging.

3. Change your attitude. Nagging is defined not only by what you say, but how you say it—eyes rolling, voice whining, fingers pointing, etc. No one likes a “tongue lashing,” and most husbands deal with it by tuning you out, which causes even more nagging.

I like the advice that Allison Wessels of Fayetteville, Georgia, passed down to me from a pastor’s wife: “Don’t point out your husband’s failures. Believe me, he already knows!” What your husband needs from you are reminders of where he has succeeded, not where he has failed. It’s important for a husband to know that his wife is proud of him and respects him. As Allison says, “Scripture tells us that wives are to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:33), and nagging shows a lack of respect.”

The key in successful communication is to request things in a way that is kind and non-accusatory. You can accomplish a lot more with a sweet attitude than a sour one. If you really want to get through to your family members, remember, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).

4. Do things yourself. I’m amazed at how lazy I’ve been in some areas since marriage. When I was single, I changed light bulbs, raked the yard, and even painted the outside of my house. Now, I expect my husband to do all those things and more. It’s not that I’m incapable, just unwilling.

Not only do I expect him to do these “manly” chores, but I also expect him to live in our house my way:

I like the kitty litter to be changed once a week; he could leave it for two.
I like to fix broken things right away; he likes to put it off for a while until he finds the time and energy to do it.
I like the dishes rinsed out after meals; he likes to leave the food on the dishes in the sink until they are placed in the dishwasher.

Just because David’s standards are different from mine, that doesn’t mean they are wrong. I realize that if it’s important for me to do things a certain way, then I should do them myself.

I’m not suggesting that wives be independent from their husbands, or silently hold on to bitterness while we do their chores. But I am suggesting that doing things ourselves can keep us from being too demanding and expecting to be served all the time.

There are times when we legitimately need our husbands’ help, but there are also times when we don’t. The next time you find yourself wishing your husband would get something done, ask yourself if it’s something that you can do to serve him, instead. As Galatians 5:13b-14 says, ” … Through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'”

Gauging your nag-o-meter

These changes in the way you interact with your spouse may improve your marriage dramatically. If you’ve been a nagger for a while, it may take some time to get used to this new way of thinking. There will be days of triumph and days of failure.

As you go through this transition, remember that God gives grace to the humble (James 4:6b). Keep leaning on Him for strength—pray, read the Bible, talk to other wives who can keep you accountable. As your family sees your efforts to be nag free, they will be gracious to you, too.

It has always been a struggle for my wife and me to pray together. Over eight years of marriage we have never been able to fall into a solid routine. We could string a few days together or maybe a few weeks, but then there would be that inevitable lull where we just stopped.

There is never a great reason. We were too busy. We just forgot. There was a basketball game on. We had a rough time getting our son to bed. We were watching TV.

Do you and your wife pray together? I am talking about more than just before you start eating your meal. Do you take focused time to pray intentionally with each other?

As the spiritual head of our house, I believe it is my responsibility to initiate our prayer time together. This has always been a tough assignment for me. But I am determined to grow.

The cofounder of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, is always encouraging married couples to pray together. In fact, he describes this as the best marriage advice he has ever received. One of his mentors, Carl Wilson, told him, “I’ve prayed every day with my wife Sara Jo for more than 25 years. Nothing has built up our marriage more than our prayer time together.”

Dennis wrote a prayer devotional book to help couples called Two Hearts Praying as One. He describes prayer as the single most important spiritual discipline you and your spouse will ever share.

I deeply desire a prayer life with my wife that is consistent, so I decided to try going through the 30-day prayer journey outlined in the book. My wife and I committed to each other to work through it together. Below I have included some of my thoughts while going through the devotional with my wife, after which I have listed a few tips I learned through those 30 days.

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Day 1: We actually started the prayer journey with an argument. I was nervous about starting and sabotaged the time by accusing her of feeling uncomfortable with praying in front of me. It didn’t help that she made a few comments about how many times we have tried to pray consistently together but have never gotten very far. It was weird. In spite of it, we pushed forward and made it through the first day. I wouldn’t describe this day as a spiritual victory, but at least we got started.

Day 5: Hearing each other pray out loud is getting more comfortable. Our prayer is beginning to feel and sound more authentic rather than manufactured. I’ve always felt we have a great marriage, but we discovered a depth that has never been present. Tonight we were able to voice some of our personal struggles with infertility in a way that has never happened before. Five days in a row!

Days 9 and 10: These days held our biggest challenge thus far. I left town for work and was gone for two days, working long hours. We were finally able to talk and pray on the phone with each other around 10:30 the first night. The next evening we were able to pray together on the phone earlier. Emily read the devotional and I listened over the phone. This was a great accomplishment because previously in our marriage, distance between us usually resulted in a lack of intimate talk and prayer. We are excited for the oneness habits we are building.

Day 17: Not going to lie. We almost missed this day. I left early in the afternoon with some friends to watch a basketball game and was gone the rest of the night. Emily and I had completely forgotten to plan our prayer time. Fortunately, the Lord used our 2-year-old son to remind us. About 10 minutes before I left, he came walking out of our room with our journal. He told us that he was going to read to us. We stopped right there, read the devotional, and prayed together thanking the Lord for the reminder through our son.

Day 18: Going to bed tonight, my mind was preoccupied with watching the weather reports about a string of storms spawning tornadoes coming through our area. Emily gently reminded me of our need to pray together and opened the devotional to read. She then led us in prayer. Afterward, she turned and fell asleep; I continued to keep an eye on the severity of the storms headed our way. I am thankful for the selfless team effort my wife exemplified. I am once again reminded of the beauty of a marriage where both people are attempting to pursue Christ together. Sometimes there is need for one person to persevere when the other slacks. Thank you, Lord, for my wife.

Day 30: We have completed the 30-day prayer devotional. Through the last 10 days of the journal we missed reading the book each day, but we found ourselves disciplined to spend the time praying together even without the devotional. One of the final prayer points from this final day was, “Thank God for helping you establish the pattern of praying together regularly.” This journey has benefited us by helping us establish regular prayer together each day. The habit has been set. I am thankful to the Lord for my wife, the one with whom I can pray each day.

Here are some tips I learned through the prayer journey with Two Hearts Praying as One, in no particular order:

As men, we are called to lead in our marriage. Although every marriage relationship looks a little different, men need to be the ones to lead their family by example, in encouragement, and in prayer.
Find the time of day that works best for you. This could look different for each couple.
Read through Scripture and pray the passage out loud. This builds oneness with each other and with God’s Word.
Build oneness through holding hands during your prayer.
Spend enough time talking about joys, fears, problems, and accomplishments in life before you pray. Make sure you are on the same page with your wife.
It’s okay to use help for your routine. Two Hearts Praying as One was a great tool for us. It forced us into a normal routine with biblically-centered conversation before we went before the throne.
Don’t forget to Whom you are talking. It helps me to picture myself bowing before the throne with Jesus’ hand on my shoulder as we talk to God seated on the throne.
Pray even when in disagreement. Usually men just need to admit their pride and step away from the argument. This is an opportunity to humble yourself, apologize, demonstrate forgiveness, and be the leader.
Having your own personal, thriving relationship with Jesus is crucial to leading your wife in prayer. That’s just part of leadership.
When you miss a day, just accept God’s grace anew, seek forgiveness, and start again. There’s no shame in this game.

If you’d like to make a habit of praying with your spouse but need help getting started, why not join us for FamilyLife’s Oneness Prayer Challenge? We’ll deliver Scripture and prayer prompts to your inbox or your phone for 30 days for you and your spouse to go through together. Sign up today!

After the holidays have come and gone and the New Year’s resolve has worn thin, it’s easy to find yourself in a slump. You feel lethargic, unmotivated, and in a rut.

Here are seven tips to help you restore your energy and zest for life:

1. Do something. Sometimes, the best remedy for pulling out of a slump is just to get up and do something. Set the timer for 10 minutes and go organize a drawer, or fold a load of laundry, or clean the kitchen.

Just getting up and getting busy will usually help you shake off some of the feelings of sluggishness. And many times, when the timer goes off after 10 minutes, you’ve forgotten how unmotivated you were and have fresh inspiration to tackle other projects.

2. Serve someone. I’ve found that going out of my way to bless someone else is one of the greatest antidotes to discouragement. Not only does it take my eyes off of me and my own situation, but it also gives me more purpose, fulfillment, and joy.

3. Get your heart pumping. If regular cardio is not a part of your schedule, that may be why you’re feeling exhausted and despondent. Hearty exercise produces endorphins that will not only improve your health, but also your overall mood and outlook on life.

4. Make sleep a priority. Getting less than seven hours of sleep on a consistent basis can impair your memory, alertness, quality of life, and cognitive abilities. Make it a priority to go to bed early and get deep, uninterrupted sleep and you’ll find that you have much more creativity and energy.

5. Develop a morning routine. I’ve been amazed at how much smoother my days go when I create and follow a morning routine. Right now, my morning routine consists of getting up early, reading my Bible, exercising, taking a shower, getting dressed, starting a load of laundry, and then doing my morning blogging/computer work.

When I get up and start my routine before my children wake up, it has a tremendous positive effect on the rest of our day. As an added benefit, on the days that I follow my morning routine, I get so much more done.

6. Clear your calendar. Sometimes, a lack of energy stems from overloading your plate and trying to do too much. It’s high time we stop feeling obligated to be everything to everyone. Determine your priorities, set limits, and freely say “no” if the opportunity or commitment is going to send your home or health into a tailspin.

7. Remember that “His grace is sufficient.” As the hymn writer so aptly said, we aren’t promised “flowery beds of ease.” Life is full of struggles and difficulties. There will be days when the pressures and stresses of being a parent or spouse or friend or employee will overwhelm you. But it is in our darkest hour that God’s grace and power can shine the brightest.

Constantly look to the Lord for help. Ask Him for strength and grace when you know you have nothing in and of yourself. He will never fail you or forsake you!

After being married for about 30 years, I asked my husband, Jim, what might seem to be a simple question: “What would you want more—love or respect?”

While both are important, his answer surprised me: “Respect.”

I couldn’t understand why anyone would choose respect over love.

My question to Jim was prompted by a FamilyLife Today®broadcast with Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, author of the book Love and Respect. Eggerichs bases the book on Ephesians 5:33, which says, “Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

Eggerichs’ premise is that, though every person needs both love and respect, God gave men a special, deep need for respect, and He gave women this same deep need for love. And a lot of women don’t understand that need or even how to respect your husband in a way that honors him, God, and your marriage.

As Jim and I talked, I understood that the respect my husband longs for should not be based on his performance. Instead, I should honor him because it pleases God and because I know that Jim’s actions are motivated by his love for Jesus Christ and me.

My husband wants me to respect him for who he is, not for what he does.

Why your respect is important to your husband

I asked some men to help me understand why respect is so important to a husband. Here are some of their responses:

Respect expresses a wife’s trust.One friend wrote, “Respect won’t exist unless trust exists first.”
Respect gives a husband the belief that he can do hard things.One husband said that receiving respect from his most intimate friend, his wife, reduces his fear of failure and of being inadequate. Another explained respect this way: “It is like wind in my sails. No one knows me like my wife does. Her level of respect for me is a very accurate barometer on how I am doing, and my confidence to do hard things is very much connected to that.”
Respect acknowledges his leadership and discourages passivity.Giving respect shows the husband that he can be a leader in the relationship (Ephesians 5:25-30). One husband said if wives would express love to their husbands through respect, “I am convinced that men would be better leaders and passivity would be less commonplace.”
Respect provides encouragement and makes him want to love her even more.One man said that when a wife does not respect her husband enough to listen to him, he feels defeated. Another said that when his wife respects him, it makes him want to love her even more.

Chad said that his wife expressed her respect for him the most when he was at perhaps his lowest point in life. He had lost his job, and felt demoralized and discouraged. But his wife remained supportive. He says, “She spoke words reflecting confidence to me and hope of what will come.”

How to respect your husband

Need some ideas for how to respect your husband?

I asked Chad’s wife and some other women. Here’s a summary of their responses:

1. Look for opportunities to show your husband honor and build him up.
Kris began her marriage thinking that respect for her husband needed to be earned, and she often had a critical attitude toward him. She says that changed because “God’s Word taught me that respect is an unearned gift.”

2. Accept that you married an imperfect man.
If your husband makes a bad decision, avoid saying “I told you so.” Trust that God will somehow make even his bad decision work out in the long run (Romans 8:28).

3. Focus on what your husband does well.
Ask God to give you an attitude that looks for the best in your husband and responds in ways that build him up. Tell him what you appreciate about him. As you begin each day, ask yourself: Is my heart in the right place? Am I following the humble example of Jesus Christ, counting my husband’s needs more significant than myself (Philippians 2:1-4)?

4. Speak well of your husband.
Don’t belittle him to your girlfriends or make him feel unnecessary or incapable.

5. If you have a blended family, support your husband’s discipline of your biological children.
Sabrina says there are times when she doesn’t agree with the way her husband is disciplining her biological children. But instead of correcting him in front of the kids, she waits and talks with him later. “As a result,” she says, “I’ve seen him become more and more sensitive to my children’s needs, and the kids have learned to see his word as authority in our home.”

6. Encourage your husband when he gives spiritual direction to your family.
Affirm him for his efforts, no matter how small. (If your husband is struggling in his spiritual leadership of your family, read Dennis and Barbara Rainey’s article “How can I motivate my husband to get right with God and become the spiritual leader of our family?“)

7. Think before you speak.
Sometimes life’s decisions are really hard, especially when men and women think and reason so differently. One woman suggested that a wife should strive to understand her husband’s thinking as he considers different options. Another said, “Often, if I make snap judgments or comments, that’s when I disrespect my husband.” Proverbs 21:23 (The Message) offers some good advice on this topic: “Watch your words and hold your tongue; you’ll save yourself a lot of grief.”

8. Consider the three T’s: Text (what you will say), Time (when you will say it) and Tone (how you will express your words).
Before discussing something difficult with your husband, Shannon suggests asking yourself three questions: “Is it true? Is it right? Does it build up?” She says to consider the best time to talk with your husband, and to ask God to give you the right tone when communicating.

9. Tell your children the positive aspects of their dad’s character, both as a husband and a father.
Regularly doing this in front of your spouse is a great idea for how to respect your husband, but also helps the kids develop a loving, respectful attitude toward Dad and marriage.

10. Remember that your touch tells your husband that he is worthy of your time and concern for his well-being.
“When I know my man is tense or stressed,” Joanie says, “all it takes is a massaging touch to his neck, shoulders, and back along with a fully engaged, listening ear. We give glory to God as we care for one another.”

11. If your husband travels regularly, give him tangible reminders of your love for him.
When Ashley’s husband was discouraged about leaving home because of a job-related trip, she surprised him by tucking a special note into his suitcase. She expressed how much she appreciated his work ethic and commitment to providing for the family. The result? “When he came home we … felt connected at a deeper level. It was definitely an example of my respect for him.”

How to respect your husband? Pray

There are many times when it’s not easy for a wife to give her husband respect. As one friend said, “It takes lots of prayers for me to let God take control of me and make me able to make wise choices when it comes to respecting my husband.”

This friend says her unconditional respect for her husband has paid great dividends. Why? Because, respect is what men yearn for. As Ron Deal, director of FamilyLife Blended™, explains, “Respect is like chocolate to a man’s soul.”

A young man who is pampered in his youth becomes increasingly arrogant and demanding as he grows older. Eventually, he is transformed by a spell into a literal beast as a punishment because it is a reflection of his true nature. His only hope for release is to be truly loved by a maiden—a seemingly impossible achievement. In his anger, he demands to be loved, but his beastly behavior only drives people further away until he is totally alone, isolated from the world of humans.

You probably recognize this story as Beauty and the Beast.

There are many variations on this story in different cultures, but all have the same ending. A woman sees something of value in the beast and begins to love him. That love transforms him back into a man—and not just the man he was before, but a new, changed man. How could she have loved him as fearsome as he was? It’s a mystery, but it illustrates the power of a woman’s love.

Marriage is intended to be redemptive for both men and women. God has given us women the privilege and the ability to bring life to our husbands with our love. Women have enormous power with men, and we can use it for good or for evil.

Consider three examples from the Scripture. Take the power of Delilah with Samson. Samson could take on an army of warriors, but he surrendered to the charms of one woman. In Killing Giants, Pulling Thorns, Chuck Swindoll describes Samson as a “He-man, with a she-weakness.”

Take King David, who faced and felled a nine-foot Goliath, yet fell under the spell of Bathsheba. David was so obsessed, he was drawn away from his God into immorality, lies, and ultimately murder.

And consider Solomon, who ruled over the golden years of Israel, but was captivated by the power of women. Actually, make that 700 wives and 300 concubines.

A woman’s power over men has not lessened since those biblical days. Today, the advertising industry exploits this power in order to sell everything from cars to toothpaste. Magazines, billboards, posters, and store windows use attractive women, seductive women, and blatant sexual images to catch a man’s glance and capture his attention.

Every day men walk away from wives, children, friends, parents, siblings—risking career and reputation. For what? Another woman.

Female attraction can be deadly. But death was not our Designer’s intention. Feminine power was intended to give life. Eve, as a woman, was designed to complete her man, to nurture life in him, and to create new life with him through children.

Many wives do not understand how profound this power is. God has blessed you with a feminine ability that you can use for great good in your husband’s life in four ways:

1. Meet his need for a helper. Something is missing in every man. And it’s by divine design. After God created Adam, He said, “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). It’s an astounding truth that the perfect God of the universe created a perfect human being and then declared, “it is not good.” God intentionally created the first man with a need for companionship. Man was incomplete. God orchestrated the perfect arrangement for His grand finale of creation: a woman, the “helper suitable for him.” It is still true since “in the beginning” in Genesis, a wife makes a man complete and whole.

Your husband has this same need.

God brought you into his life to be his “helper,” to meet his companionship need. In Christian marriage, this oneness is a unity of mind, body, and soul, and is celebrated through the sexual union.

Lest we women feel somehow superior that we aren’t as needy, we are. We are incomplete without our husbands. We need our husbands to help us become who God designed us to be. Neither can stand alone; as mentioned above, God’s Word makes it abundantly clear “it is not good that man should be alone.” Women must think as God instructs us to in the Bible about our men, ourselves, and our marriages.

Of course, now after the fall of mankind, no one is totally complete without the indwelling presence of Jesus Christ. Further, perfect completeness cannot occur this side of heaven. But in marriage we can touch the holiness of God; we can recapture a taste of what was lost in the Garden of Eden when a husband and a wife express love, transparency, trust, and sacrifice in the mystery of marital intercourse.

2. Bless his sexuality. When God made a man to be attracted to a woman, He had multiple purposes in mind. Adam’s aloneness need was not just for a companion. He needed Eve for the joy of finding pleasure in her total person—body, soul, and spirit—and for the affirmation and blessing of his identity as a man that came through her love for him. Genesis 2:25 says, “… and the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” As a result, every wife has a deep, life-altering responsibility to her husband to be a helper, and help him feel like the man God created him to be. If I love my husband, I won’t view his sexual needs disapprovingly.

A number of years ago after Dennis spoke about marriage at a seminary, a young wife came up to him with a question. She said, “I was driving home with my husband the other night after church and decided to ask him a question. I asked, ‘What could I do to make you feel more like a man of God?’ There was silence in the darkness of the car as we were driving home. Then my husband said, ‘When I come home from work at the church at the end of the day, meet me at the front door with no clothes on.'”

With a bit of a blush, she asked Dennis, “Do you think I ought to do that?”

Dennis encouraged this young woman to please her husband sexually because he knew that in doing so, she would be profoundly validating his God-ordained manhood. Since all men are created with a need for companionship, they journey from boyhood into adulthood needing to know that their maleness is good and positive. Humanly speaking, this is a question that only his wife should answer, a blessing only she should give.

3. Protect your husband from temptation. You have the power to protect your husband from temptation by making sure his sexual needs are met by you and you alone. I have a good friend who said it this way: “If you don’t want to do his laundry, your husband can take his clothes to the cleaners. If you decide you don’t want to cook anymore for him, he can go out to any number of great restaurants to eat. But if your husband isn’t getting his sexual needs met at home with you, and he goes somewhere else, God calls that a sin.”

Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying. If your husband sins in this way, he’s responsible before God. But at the same time, understand that you play a powerful role in helping him not to yield to temptation. God created us as men and women with profoundly inherent differences. If you love him, you’ll want to protect him from the limitless temptations that the enemy of his soul floats by him day after day. You are most powerful as a wife when you become a student of what your husband likes and then use that knowledge and your feminine skill to protect him from temptation and sin.

4. Keep him for life. When we stated our vows at the wedding altar, most of us repeated the words “to have and to hold” and “till death do us part.” We signed up for life. But have you ever thought about what it means to “have” and “hold” your husband?

To have implies a possession. It means he belongs to you and no one else. He is your responsibility, and you are his. Are you fulfilling your sexual responsibility? For frequency? Creativity? Have you turned him down more often than you have invited his love? Do you put his needs before or after those of your children or your work?

To hold means to keep or bond, much like a magnet. A magnet has the power within to pull another polar opposite to itself. My husband and I are virtual opposites in nearly every way. It’s what attracted us to each other in the first place. But I must continue to be a magnet in his life if I am to keep him. Too many women would love to have him if I let him leave home for work or travel constantly in a state of sexual deprivation. First Corinthians 7:5 (NKJV) tells us, “Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to … prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

This may come as no surprise to you, but most men want—really want—their wives to passionately desire them. And when you express sexual longing for him—whether verbally or nonverbally—your husband is unlikely to refuse your magnetic power.

For a number of weeks, I planned a special, romantic two-night getaway to a bed and breakfast in another town. I planned and shopped and organized all the right elements for our time together. Then I called him while he was away on a speaking engagement and told him that I would be picking him up at the airport—but we would not be going home! I also dropped more than a few subtle hints about what kind of adventure he could expect.

Power? Absolutely. Attraction? Ask him.

My husband is a man’s man, but when I picked him up at the airport, he was as excited as a child on Christmas Eve.

That weekend was memorable for both of us. We both had a wonderful time, but Dennis especially did. He talked about it for months and still mentions it from time to time after all these years.

The more a wife affirms her husband’s God-given manhood, the more she helps build him into the man God wants him to be. This power of a wife to affirm him, bless him, protect him, and keep him is blessed by God. It is a very good, nurturing, life-giving gift. Knowing this, I’ve often wondered why we women don’t want or choose to use our God-given powers to affirm and nurture our husbands more often.

You’ve probably heard the saying, “Behind every successful man is a strong woman.” Though the statement has been ridiculed as anti-woman, it is, in fact, very true. When you married your husband, he was unsure of himself as a man and was unskilled as a husband. It’s true of all boys who have grown up and gotten married. What males need—what your husband needs—is a wife who believes in him, encourages him, and helps him step up to become the man God created him to be.

Here are five ways you can influence your husband’s successful transition to manhood:

1. Choose maturity. Sometimes in your marriage, one or both of you can act selfishly. If you’ve been married longer than two weeks you know this is true. Have you ever seen two children riding their bikes, and when the child in front stops, the child behind begins to ram his or her bike into the one in front instead of asking that child to move over? It’s called needling or just plain intimidation. Oftentimes the kid in front gets mad and the situation escalates. I’ve watched my children relate to each other this way. It’s called childishness. And a parent’s job is to train children to communicate verbally with kindness, not physically with bullying.

Sadly most of us enter marriage still clinging to some childishness in our behavior patterns. Your husband may act like an adolescent at times, but the problem cannot be solved by manipulation, intimidation, or criticism. One of you needs to choose maturity first to get out of the cycle. Set aside the emotions as much as you can and speak with kindness. Communicating with maturity is a choice. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turns away wrath.” A woman who wants to help her husband grow into a strong, godly man can help by becoming mature herself.

2. Speak the truth in love. In our marriage, I’ve come to Dennis many times to speak the truth about what’s going on in our family or what I feel is missing in our relationship. There have been seasons when he was traveling too much. At other times I sensed that one of our children needed a father’s focus.

One of my favorite Bible stories is the one about Esther. Even though she was married to a man who was not a believer in the God of her people, she still treated him with great respect as her husband and her leader. When she discovered the plot to exterminate all the Jews—her people—she didn’t go running into his office crying hysterically and yelling at him for making such a foolish mistake. Instead she prayed before going to inform him that he had signed her death warrant.

What Esther shows all of us wives is the importance of approaching our husbands with difficult information in a way that is easy for them to hear. Esther made a great dinner and talked to her husband after he had eaten. Sometimes the information or the truth must be told immediately without the kind of preparation Esther made. But many times we wives can wait until the kids are in bed or after he’s had dinner or we can even wait a day or two to make sure we speak wisely. Wives would benefit from praying before we speak the truth to our husbands. And so would our husbands.

Proverbs 16:21 says, “The wise of heart is called discerning and sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.” What a great verse for wives! But don’t sugarcoat the truth either. He needs to know the whole truth in any situation, but it can be said with grace and wisdom and kindness. At the same time remind him that God is in control and that you are trusting God and him. You are a team in marriage. Be on his team and help him win!

3. Praise your husband when he steps up to manhood. When he leads family devotions, when he prays with you, or when he makes decisions that are especially responsible, thank him. Just as you want to cheer your kids when they do something right, you need to cheer your husband. Your words to your husband are powerful. Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Encouraging him and praising him when he does what’s right is one way you can help him be the man that God wants him to be.

4. Believe that your husband can grow to become a more godly man. If you believe in your husband … if you accept him as who he is … if you trust God and then allow God to work in his life … God might just surprise you. One of my favorite verses, Luke 1:37, says, “For nothing will be impossible with God.” Perhaps you’ve been married for more than 20 years, and you really think your husband can’t and won’t change. Remember that nothing is impossible with God. The King of Heaven is not finished with your husband, and you need to believe both in God and in your husband. Don’t underestimate what God can do!

5. Pursue godliness. You will encourage your husband to become a godly husband if you choose first to become a godly wife. As Matthew 6:33 says, “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” If you’re seeking to become righteous, then you will be more in tune with what God is doing all around you, including allowing God to work on your husband. Focus on your attitude and your own pursuit toward godliness.

Galatians 6:9 says, “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” Stepping up to manhood is a process for your husband, but so is your helping him. As with all processes, sometimes there are setbacks. Your husband might be doing well, making good decisions, and acting responsibly, but something happens that causes him to step back into adolescence from manhood. When he does something that’s childish or foolish, your responsibility is not to berate and belittle him. Instead, be the kind of wife who can call him up to manhood.

When Star Molegraaf reluctantly stepped foot into the marriage counselor’s office, she had no real desire or hope to repair her broken marriage. Surely, she thought, God would not want her to remain in a miserable relationship.

But then her counselor asked her an unexpected question. He asked if she believed God raised Jesus from the dead to save her.

“Yes,” she responded.

Then he asked, “You don’t think that same God can heal your marriage?”

That question had a huge impact on Star. “I felt like the Lord just said, ‘You know what? You’ve never been able to see clearly, but today you are … I’m going to show you what love looks like,'” she says. “And I felt like maybe I just believed it just a little bit.”

A rocky first year

“When we started our marriage, we had everything going against us,” Hans Molegraaf says.

And it definitely started on rocky soil for the then 19- and 20-year-olds. After dating for little more than a year, the young couple found themselves planning their wedding over a positive pregnancy test.

For Hans, it was a make-or-break moment. Growing up in a Christian home, he had seen his father model what a husband and father should be. He knew he immediately needed to quit college, find a job with benefits, and provide for his now growing family.

Star, on the other hand, was fearful. Her parents had divorced when she was young, and her mother’s second marriage was not a healthy one. Marriage had not been modeled well for her.

To this point, their relationship had been a whirlwind. Their time together had been fueled by alcohol, arguments, and infatuation. As Star put it, they were wild and free—just doing whatever they wanted to do. And now they were going to be parents.

“We know marriage doesn’t fix problems,” Hans says, looking back on their first year. “Marriage just exposes the problems for how bad they really are.”

Their first year of marriage was highlighted by screaming and fighting. They didn’t know how to resolve conflict. Star said everything she thought or felt. She was a “confronter”—a defense mechanism she says she developed from her childhood.

Hans was the total opposite. Star would push him to talk about their issues to the point he would explode. Hans says he couldn’t win arguments with his wife, which led to him backing away from the arguments further.

“It feels helpless,” he says. “If I don’t have a voice in this, or I can’t compete verbally with my wife, why even try?”

And then there were the times when the arguments would explode physically. Out of frustration, Hans would grab Star by the shoulders and shake her. Once, he threw her down on the bed.

Star’s worst fears of marriage were being played out in front of their young daughter. “There were times when he would just pick up clocks and throw them—whatever was around, punch through the wall—just dysfunctional anger,” she recalls. “Pretty much anything you could imagine, it was going on in our house.”

Realizing the marriage had spiraled out of control, Star begged Hans to see a marriage counselor. But Hans admits pride kept him from agreeing. He thought he could fix it, could prove wrong those who had doubted their marriage would last. He told himself he was strong enough, good enough … that they were different.

She’s leaving

As time went on, Star slipped away from their marriage emotionally. One night, while out with a group of friends from high school, an attractive man approached her, pursuing her attention. Soon after, Star found herself in an affair.

“When all that goes on in your home, your feelings are affected,” Star says. “Intimacy is destroyed. Oneness is not an option.” For her, the affair was a chance to start over. As she puts it, the affair “was very enticing. Everything about it is just like a movie. There’s no reality in an affair. It was just fantasy.”

Returning from a week-long business trip, Hans walked into his home to learn that his wife was moving out. “I’ll never forget pulling up in the driveway,” he says. “She had her bags packed with our daughter, and she was going to move in with her mom.”

Separated, the two shared custody of their daughter. One night, with their 2-year-old in the backseat, Hans followed Star to an apartment complex. Keeping his distance so she wouldn’t see him, he waited and left a note in her car. He knew.

With his wife gone and apparently moving on from their marriage, he returned home to live with his parents. They welcomed him back into their home, but his father insisted on one condition.

Marriage counseling for one

To live in their home, Hans’ father insisted his son see a marriage counselor. Hans was taken aback. Didn’t his parents see Star wanted nothing to do with him? But the sessions weren’t for the couple—they wanted Hans to go by himself.

Hans went, but reluctantly. He laid out every one of Star’s flaws before the counselor. He told him of the affair that she was still denying. He said she didn’t give him the respect he deserved as a husband.

But what the counselor said resonated on a different level. He talked about Philippians 2, which says we should “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” Then, Hans recalls, he explained the idea behind the passage, “How Jesus Christ came to this earth, and He deserved everything. He deserved for people to worship Him. He deserved for people to bow down to Him. He came and He deserved to be served. Yet He chose the attitude of a servant, and He served the people He interacted with.”

It was in that moment, Hans says, that a spiritual transformation took place. When he compared his life with how Christ lived His life, his sin was exposed. He stopped pointing his finger at Star, and pointed it back at himself.

With the change that was happening in Hans’s life, he turned back to his marriage. But healing the relationship wasn’t easy. Star was still secretly seeing someone and was skeptical of the change she was seeing in Hans. Apprehensively, she agreed to attend a counseling session.

The hour was similar to Hans’s first visit. She outlined everything Hans had done for the counselor. What it was like to live with a man who seemed fueled by anger and control, and the fear she lived in. She admitted that Hans was starting to change, but it was too little, too late. She could never feel anything but disgust for Hans again.

The counselor asked her if she believed in God. In Jesus’ death and resurrection. And then he posed the question that changed everything: “You don’t think that same God can heal your marriage?”

“Lord, I can’t live like this forever.”

In that moment, a little spark of hope began inside Star’s heart. What if God could do that? she began to ask herself. In that moment, Star says she turned her heart toward God just a “teeny bit.” Her counselor explained that her relationship with Hans was a visual picture to a broken world of who God really is. For the first time, she was understanding the gospel.

After that appointment, Star backed out of everything—the affair, friendships that supported it, even her job. If God was going to heal their marriage, she had to give it her all. She began to believe the change she was seeing in Hans. She would react to their arguments in the same way she always did, expecting to see the man she had married two years before. But time and time again, she says, he proved faithful. He was different.

But one aspect of their marriage had not returned. After all they had been through, all the hurt they had caused each other, she didn’t think they could ever be intimate again. The idea still repulsed her. So she prayed.

“I said, ‘Lord, I can’t live like this forever,'” Star says. “‘Can you change my heart? Help me to heal and feel the way I should about my husband.'”

Shortly after, Star says she started feeling things for Hans she hadn’t felt in a long time. Her heart was shifting, and she found herself attracted to her husband again. Star felt like a firsthand witness to His power.

After seven months of separation, the Molegraafs were once again living under the same roof.

But one thing was still holding Star back. She had never admitted the affair to Hans. So she prayed again. “Lord, let him ask me.”

One night, not long after that prayer, they were lying in bed together and Hans said, “Star, I need to know.” She confessed to the affair, and rather than the condemnation she expected, she felt the complete forgiveness of her husband.

From a broken marriage to a marriage ministry

A few months after the Molegraafs got back together, they attended a marriage conference at a hotel in Houston. They were still working on their marriage with a counselor, but the ideas and truths they heard at FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway reminded them they were moving in the right direction.

The weekend also planted in their hearts a desire to work in marriage ministry.

“We started to serve in our church, leading small group Bible studies, leading different marriage groups,” Hans said. “The other thing God did in that whole process was He allowed hurting couples to find us. Still, one of the things that blows me away is our story is so relatable.”

Nearly 10 years after their first Weekend to Remember, the Molegraafs joined the staff at FamilyLife. They served the ministry for four years before leaving to start their own ministry in Houston—Marriage Revolution—counseling couples one-on-one.

Now married for over 20 years and with six children, Hans and Star have helped numerous couples see what God intended for marriage through telling their own story at Weekend to Remember getaways or across a table over coffee.

The happily married couple have come a long way from their early years of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. The change is radical, and one Hans is quick to credit to God 100 percent, not just for those moments 20 years ago, but for the ongoing moments ever since.

“It hasn’t been a cake walk,” he says. “It’s getting up every day and rejecting the mentality that led to the destruction of my marriage—the mentality of thinking that I can do it in and of my own strength. Getting up every morning and saying, ‘God, without You, without Your help … I’m going to fail miserably at marriage. But I know that with Your help, this thing can be good.'”

My wife is an elementary school assistant principal. Her job requires that she be aware of the family circumstances for the children in her care. She works with a lot of children who come from divorce situations. It boils her blood when parents implicitly ask their children to “choose” between homes and, therefore, put children in a no-win tug-of-war. Parents living in separate homes make their children pawns in their battles when they:

badmouth the other parent or household;
comment on or compare living conditions;
invade the other home’s time with the kids with constant text messages, phone calls, or showing up at private family activities;
cast blame on the other household for financial pressures or emotional pain;
ask for the child’s time when it takes time away from the other parent;
coax the child into not visiting his/her other parent until child support payments are made or custody time is renegotiated;
make children feel guilty for enjoying the people in the other home;
refuse to listen to their happy stories of life in the other home.

Children living between homes are very susceptible to the emotional clashes of their parents. When you act in any of these ways toward your children, you are teaching them to take their emotions underground and train them to play the game of “keep everyone happy by making them think I love them most.”

Children who internalize this tug-of-war become depressed, discouraged, self-destructive, and unmotivated. Children who externalize their pain become angry, oppositional, have behavior problems, and in extreme situations, may turn violent. For the sake of the children, parents should do everything they can to co-parent peacefully.

Healthy co-parenting

The alternative to asking children to choose sides is practicing healthy co-parenting. Co-parenting is the term used to describe the relationship between divorced parents as they seek to raise their children from two different homes. Friend and co-parenting expert Tammy Daughtry has created a checklist called “Indicators of Healthy Co-Parenting.”

I’ll discuss just a few of them here, but I highly recommend that you review the entire list in Tammy’s book Co-Parenting Works! Helping Your Children Thrive After Divorce. Are any of these statements true in your situation?

The transition between our homes is smooth and positive. Transitions always produce some anxiety, but in general, is it comfortable for your kids? Or do you feel like Cindy, who said, “I try to have a good attitude, but I can’t help but come unglued if my ex-husband looks at me wrong.”

Therein lies part of the problem. Cindy makes the transition about her instead of about her children. She’s on edge; she’s ruminating on the past even before seeing her ex, and she’s taking his expressions personally. I’m glad that Cindy is aware of her vulnerability, but she has to go beyond that. I wish she would focus on making the transition smoother for her children.

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!

We enjoy being at our children’s functions and are there to enhance our children’s happiness. Greg and Beth are divorced and each is remarried. But that doesn’t stop them from attending their son’s high school basketball games. They don’t sit near each other, but each cheers at the top of their lungs and is decent to the other as they walk in and out of the gym. And for this reason their son, Reagan, enjoys having his parents watch him play.

I do not get upset when our child seeks out the other parent after a game or event. After his games, Reagan seeks out a hug from both his mom and dad. He can do that because he’s learned that neither of them will “punish” him for engaging the other, no matter whose visitation turn it is. Knowing they are okay with it frees him to be himself and find support from both parents.

When we are both present at the same event, we do not use the opportunity to discuss family business. Reagan’s parents also know that to keep the event safe for everyone, they should not discuss parenting matters. They’ve learned from experience that face-to-face negotiation is challenging and that Reagan gets caught in the cross fire; therefore, they put conversations on hold until they can speak on the phone. Learning these kinds of dos and don’ts is a much needed discipline for healthy co-parenting.

We take care of responsibilities as adults and do not put pressure on the children to do our jobs. When one parent isn’t responsible for contributing to the child’s medical care, or doesn’t pay a bill on time, or doesn’t arrange school lunches for the month, the child suffers. Plus, the responsible parent often has to pick up the pieces for the other parent. This makes having a positive attitude about them difficult.

I tell parents that even if they don’t agree with a parenting plan or court-ordered responsibility, they should fulfill it anyway because if they don’t, the person who suffers most is their child. If you are the parent that always drops the ball, step up to the plate and start pulling your weight.

Christian co-parents should constantly evaluate themselves and ask if their behavior is helping or hurting their children and if they are showing them Christ in how they co-parent. At a bare minimum, kids should be kids, not prisoners of war. At a maximum, healthy co-parenting is an opportunity to raise godly children who seek first the kingdom of God.

Christian children are never naughty.

Yes, you read that right.

Christian children are never naughty; Christian children commit sins. Labeling your child’s behavior biblically will change the way you engage with your child when there is a ruckus in your home.

When you think your child is simply being a brat, it is easy to scowl, yell, or even hit. But when you remember that your child’s conduct is a sin against God, you no longer see bad behavior as something that must be curbed. You will now see your interaction with your child as a rescue mission.

When your children sin, they do not need to be yelled at. They need to be taken to the cross where a sin/forgiveness transaction can take place.

The next time you hear screaming in the other room, before you shout, “Knock it off, or I will give you something to scream about,” remember, they are not being naughty; they are sinning. In other words, your parenting is no longer about conformity to your rules, it is about rescuing your child from the wrath of God. This is earnest business.

Typically, you want your kids to stop being naughty for the following reasons:

They are getting up your nose.
You just want some peace and quiet.
You want to do something and they thwart your goals.
You are worried about being embarrassed in public by their bad behavior.

If you begin to see your children as image-bearing sinners who need the gospel applied to their totally depraved hearts, then you will respond to your children’s naughtiness differently.

Instead of getting angry, you will be concerned for their spiritual well-being.
Your desire for peace and quiet will be overwhelmed by the desire to help your child understand God’s grace better.
You will put your earthly desire behind your heavenly desire to see your child spend eternity with Jesus.
Your embarrassment will diminish because you are on a rescue mission for your child’s very soul. Who cares what the servants think when you are on a mission from the King?

Parenting with salvation in view forever changes the way you treat your child. Think of the amazing impact this will have on your little reprobate sinner:

They will stop saying, “Yes, Ma’am” and then do the very thing you commanded them not to do the second they are out of your sight.
They will obey the omnipresent God who never loses sight of them.
They will no longer see your unrighteous anger and have a servile fear of you.
They will not think that God is a simmering pot, ready to boil over.

On the other hand:

They will see the gospel in action.
They will understand the earnestness of salvation.
They will see that you have been affected by God’s grace.
They will see you as a loving representative of your loving God.

Is this approach to parenting easy? No way; it demands much of us. It is one thing to talk about the gospel; it is another thing to live the gospel.

It is one thing to teach your child the gospel; it is another thing to show them the gospel.

It is one thing to sing about the gospel; it is another thing to put the power of the gospel to work in your life and home.

Hard? Yes. Worth it? Absolutely. And here is a bonus for you. If you start learning how to think “gospel” when you parent, God will sanctify you as you focus on your child’s justification. You will stop being angry, disgusted, frustrated, annoyed, snarly, and mean. That is a hefty bonus.

Danger, danger

God has not instructed us to disciple our children so we can have well-behaved kids. God wants to do far more than that in your home. God wants to change children, and He wants to change you.

Your home can be one of two places: It can be an endurance marathon with much anger, frustration, and fighting, or it can be a school of character. God wants the latter, not the former.

God wants you to love and appreciate Him to the point where you cannot help but parent with your eye on salvation. The only way that can happen is to first focus on your own salvation.

If you simply adopt these words as your latest parenting strategy, then you will have missed the point. You will have missed not just what God wants to reveal to your child, but what He wants to do for you. Do not read all of the scenarios in this book and think, “That’s it! I will memorize those speeches and start preaching them to my kids every time they are naughty.” Don’t do that.

There are as many parenting scenarios as there are children. You can’t give a memorized speech to your child when they sin in their own special way. This is not about parroting another parent. This is about genuinely speaking truth to your child in an effort to help them understand the Savior who has so affected and changed you.

God does not want the gospel to be used simply as the latest 1-2-3 timeout! God wants the gospel to affect radical change in everyone in the home, starting with you, Mom and Dad.

Remember what God has done for you.

Remember how He bled and died for you.

Remember how He rose from the grave for you.

Remember how He has provided every temporal blessing for you.

Then approach each combustible situation with one thought: “When I am done, I want my child to love and fear the Lord the same way I do.”

When our first child was born, my husband and I were as lost as two ships sailing through the Bermuda Triangle. Both of us were the youngest in our families, in our early twenties, and we were navigating uncharted waters when we brought home our precious daughter. As cherished as she was, she also happened to scream day and night while sleeping only in 20-minute intervals.

Sleep-deprived and with no wind left in my now-tattered sails, I poured out my heart to a woman who had been there before me. With two young children of her own and past the days of midnight feedings, she helped to restore a bit of the hope I had felt when dreaming of the child growing inside me. “This too shall pass,” she gently reminded me as her own once-colicky child snuggled beside her, holding my now-sleeping babe in her tiny arms.

It was going to be alright. I could do this, but more importantly, I didn’t have to do this alone.

Why you need a mentor

Having another woman who had already survived the newborn days helped to give me a perspective I wouldn’t have received elsewhere. She was past those days just enough to remember the emotions associated with them, but with enough distance to have gained insight.

Even Mary, the mother of Jesus, sought the company and counsel that could only be found in the understanding of another, slightly more experienced, mom. Just after the angel Gabriel visited Mary and told her the amazing (albeit shocking) news of her pregnancy, Mary “went with haste into the hill country…and greeted Elizabeth” (Luke 1:39-40). She didn’t walk slowly, or meander along the path. She “went with haste” to see her relative, an older woman in her sixth month of pregnancy.

Maybe you are at the beginning of the journey that motherhood is, or maybe you’ve been in it a few years and find yourself surrounded by elementary school parties and Little League baseball. Wherever you are, a mom who’s already been through both the calm and rough waters of your current stage in life can be a beautiful gift from God.

The apostle Paul knew believers would need the teachings of older generations when he addressed Titus and the early Christians. He wrote, “Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled” (Titus 2:3-5).

What you should seek in a mentor

Jot down a list of what you are looking for in a mentor. Does she have experience from mothering a gaggle of girls to guide you on your own journey of raising a daughter to womanhood? Or maybe you feel stuck blending a family that is resistant to the change that stepparents can bring. A fellow stepmom can offer wisdom and reflection from her own blended home.

Whether you seek someone who relates to being a mother to teenagers, or just hope to share a cup of coffee with a woman who can attest to the saying, “the days are long, but the years are short,” there are a few things you should seek in a mentor no matter your preferences:

1. A mentor speaks biblical truth.

Anyone can give advice. Moms today have far more access to advice, opinions, and suggestions than our mothers and grandmothers. But not all counsel is created equal. She should speak truthfully (even when you don’t want to hear it) as one believer to another but also as one in Christ (Ephesians 4:25).

2. A mentor models biblical principles.

Speaking truth is important, but does she live out these truths herself? The right mentor should display some Christ-like maturity. No, she won’t be perfect. She will be a sinner just like you, but those who live by the Spirit will produce fruit (Galatians 5:22).

3. A mentor should be past your life stage.

Let’s be honest here. If you needed marriage advice, you would seek godly wisdom from a couple who have been married longer than you and your husband, not the newlyweds who are still celebrating “month-iversaries.” Same goes here. You need someone who has been through it to see both the beauty and the brokenness of the motherhood stage God has you in now.

Finding a mentor

Once you’ve thought through the qualities you are looking for in a mentor, here are some suggestions for how to initiate a mentoring relationship:

Pray for God’s guidance. Before taking another step toward finding a mentor, seek God’s guidance. Humbly ask God to guide you toward the right person.

Also, keep an open mind. Your heart might be set on a particular woman you admire, but God could have different plans. Trust His timing. He might lead you to someone you wouldn’t have thought of, or to someone you haven’t even met yet. God wants to help you find a mentor, you just have to lay your request before Him. “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you” (Matthew 7:7).
Ask for help. Talk to your pastor or, if your church has the resources, a women’s ministry leader. Ask if they know of someone who would make a good mentor. At this point, if you aren’t an active member of a church family, maybe your desire to seek a mentor is God calling you back to His house. A Titus 2 woman will be an active part of the body of Christ.
Take that first step. Approaching a potential mentor can feel a bit awkward. We often fear rejection by someone we admire. Or we are wary of looking foolish. Most women would be flattered to have a younger mother seek their wisdom.

She might even be a little shocked you believe she has something to teach. Invite her for lunch or a cup of coffee. Remind her you aren’t seeking perfection, just someone to walk alongside you, encouraging you with “what is good” (Titus 2:7).

Motherhood is full of joy, even if we often feel lost at sea. Having a mentor to help guide you through the ups and downs of raising your children is a blessing from God.

And as you enter the next stage of motherhood, remember your own calling to be a Titus 2 woman. Somewhere, there is a young mother praying for God to send her a mentor. Someone to offer a bit of wisdom—like a simple, “this too shall pass.” Someone to help her remember there is hope through both the calm and rough waters of motherhood, and that God is the anchor for our soul (Hebrews 6:19).

Italians and people of many other Mediterranean countries have an almost blatant disregard for the clock. They rarely seem in a hurry and are typically open and welcoming to drop-in visitors.

Contrast that to Americans with precious little margin in their fast-paced lives, who feel not joy but irritation at a friend dropping by unannounced and think only of what is not getting crossed off on the ever-pressing to-do list. Westerners make lots of lists; Mediterraneans linger and make love.

Attunement is, in short, all about paying closer attention to each other. It is getting our mind off the dozens of things that pull at our attention; it’s tending fully to the love of our life for a few moments a day, every day.

We can do this through our eyes, our body language, the way we prioritize unhurried time with each other, the way we affirm, compliment, and build up our partner in ways that make them happy to be a man, delighted to be a woman. (If you don’t know what words of praise and honor make them happy, ask!) It is also about paying closer attention to ourselves and feeding our senses, allowing passion to rise and flow naturally, appreciating our inner selves, and presenting ourselves in ways that make us feel unique, classy, fun, sexy. It is about being fully present for your lover in proactive, sense-drenched ways on a regular basis.

1. Be aware of the art of subtle touch.

Men, try putting your hand on the small of your wife’s back when guiding her through a door, or put your hand over her hand while driving, or tenderly bring her hand to your lips and kiss it. Women, gently rub the back of your man’s neck while he is driving, or lay your head on his shoulder while watching TV.

2. Pretend you’re meeting up for a first date.

Meet at a coffee shop or café in the middle of the day, or get together for a glass of wine after work and pretend to be two people deeply attracted to each other.

3. Give compliments that affirm each other’s masculinity or femininity.

Wives, say something that helps your man feel like a man! (“I love the way you took charge of that meeting the other day.” “You are a wonderful lover. That was amazing.”) Men, help your lady feel glad she is a woman! (“Your beauty, when you’re just standing near the window in the sunlight, takes my breath away.” “I love how tender you are with our kids.”)

Connect with your spouse on a soul-level. More Info.

4. Keep some extra margin in your life for lingering.

(If at all possible, keep a portion of your weekends free to allow for at least a half day of unscheduled time together.) Have a regular happy hour (or half hour if time is short) after work sitting together on the porch in summer or cuddling up on a couch or soaking in a bubble bath.

5. Women, cherish your inner beauty.

Ponder Sophia Loren’s advice to “believe that you have a special beauty that is like no other,” and never abandon this part of you. The confidence that emanates from a woman who cherishes the beauty God placed inside her will prove irresistible.

6. Men, try listening to or reading a book that inspires you or teaches you something new.

Read something that goes a little deeper and causes you to ask yourself new questions. When the time is right and you and your lady are lingering together—on a walk or sitting out on the front porch before dinner—share some of the thoughts you are reading, ask her opinion, and listen to her response. Show that you value her insight and perspective.

7. Laugh together whenever possible.

Laughter is one of the world’s most underrated aphrodisiacs. Watch funny movies or cartoons or share a hilarious YouTube video that you know your lover will enjoy. Never be afraid to tell a good story on yourself, as sharing our flaws with humor is a powerful way of connecting with our soul mate.

8. Make saying thank you a part of your daily habits.

You will be amazed at how these two small words, given generously, strengthen the bond of love and romance. Try this: every evening, between dinner and lights-out, when you are together, thank the one you love for at least one thing they did, or one thing they are, that blesses your life.

9. Try being more open with your emotions, especially the positive or tender ones.

If you feel a surge of gratitude for the beauty of the day, or the love of your wife, or the cuteness of your kids, don’t keep it to yourself. Say it. Say it with energy and passion.

Want your marriage to be more passionate? The Arterburns share some secrets for better “amore” that folks in the Mediterranean have known for centuries on FamilyLife Today®. And their book, The Mediterranean Love Plan, will help couples become more playful, creative, connected, and romantic—burning with passion that stands the test of time.

Do you read bumper stickers? Of course you do. So do I. Some say that bumper stickers originated at the famous Rock City attraction at Lookout Mountain, Georgia, where visitors returned to their cars to find a “See Rock City” sticker applied to their rear bumper—without their permission.

If I were to create a bumper sticker—which I would never apply to anyone’s car without asking—it would help husbands think about their leadership and headship in a new way:

What if your wife were married to Jesus?

For many of the years that preceded my engagement to Nancy Leigh DeMoss, she wore a lovely ring on the third finger of her left hand, the finger on which people wear wedding bands. When I first saw the ring, I asked about it. She explained that she had worn it for years as a reminder that though she had never married, she belonged to Christ.

Early in her life, she felt the call to ministry as a single woman. A staunch champion of marriage and an encourager and counselor to many married women, Nancy never envisioned herself as a wife. But as a part of the Bride of Christ, she was devoted to love and serve Him with all her heart.

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Several months after we began dating, we were having dinner with some close friends of mine, a couple who had known and loved my late wife, Bobbie. After a long and pleasant conversation, the husband was talking about how special Bobbie was, when he turned, looking straight into Nancy’s face, and said, “Bobbie’s a hard act to follow.”

My heart leapt into my throat, and I could feel the color drain from my face. This was one of the most embarrassing moments of my adult life. Yes, of course, Bobbie was special. We had been married almost 45 years and had a strong and wonderful relationship. Together we had two amazing daughters. Nancy and Bobbie had been friends. But this comment seemed so far out of bounds that a referee would have needed to take a taxicab to make the call. Nancy did not say anything. I didn’t either, but for the remainder of the evening the man’s comment had its way, grinding in my stomach.

On the drive home, I tried to express to Nancy how terrible I felt about my friend’s insensitive comment; Nancy graciously responded that she understood how difficult it must be for longtime friends of Bobbie’s to adjust to my having another woman in my life.

The next day, I was on the phone with my daughter Julie, who has always been one step ahead. (She was probably 8 years old when she asked me if there was another word for “thesaurus” and why sour cream has an expiration date.) When I told her about the “you’ve got a hard act to follow” comment, she replied, “Remember, Daddy, Nancy was married to Jesus. And He’s a hard act to follow!”

I gave a half-hearted laugh, realizing what a challenge she had just issued.

The Apostle Paul, who instructed the Christian husbands of Ephesus about headship and acting like Jesus, also wrote, “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 2:4-5).

Do you see it? Paul agrees with our bumper sticker. What if your wife were married to Jesus? What would His headship look like? What effect might His leadership, love, and grace have on her spirit, responses, and reactions? Does your leadership have the same effect?

All good questions.

On FamilyLife Today®, Robert Wolgemuth, along with his wife, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, and blended family expert Ron Deal, talk to husbands about how to lead as loving shepherds in such a way that their wives will want to follow them. And Robert’s book, Like the Shepherd, guides men on how to embrace the role of shepherd, drawing on the wisdom of the Bible to give men practical, powerful advice on how to take responsibility for their relationships and realize the Christian ideal of a healthy, happy marriage.

We were blissfully in love and thrilled to be on our honeymoon. Then came day five—we had our first argument. That put us on a slippery slope moving swiftly toward desperation. Within the first nine months of our marriage, Gina and I were both convinced that we not only married the wrong person, but also were condemned to a loveless marriage.

One very tangible side effect of our difficulties was poor communication. I would ask, “What’s for dinner?” She would hear, “I can’t believe you haven’t prepared dinner again tonight!”

She would say, “What time are you coming home?” I would hear, “You better get here and help me because you’re never here.”

We could not express anything we wanted to. We resorted to hurting each other with our words. We did not build each other up … we tore each other down and caused deep, emotional pain. Quite honestly, we had endured so much hurt that we could not see any hope for ever communicating well. Our despair was overwhelming.

In counseling we began learning about intentional communication. I remember thinking, “That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. This stuff is so simple … I can’t believe I’m paying this guy for this.”

But, once I got off of my high horse, I realized something very simple yet profound: If communication was really that simple, everyone would be doing it and all of our communication would glorify God and reflect His image (1 Peter 4:11; Ephesians 4:29). Glorifying God did not describe my communication, and it may not describe yours either. In fact, many of us struggle to communicate well even with those we love the most: our siblings, our parents, our children, our spouse.

The road I took to learn about communication was a tough one. Here are some of the tools that helped transform my marriage and change my heart.

1. The Principle of First Response: The course of a conflict is not determined by the person who initiates, but by the person who responds.

You may feel it’s okay to strike at someone verbally because, “He is picking a fight with me.” You may be correct, but that person does not have the power to decide whether a fight actually occurs. That power rests with the responder. As Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Jesus has a well-worn track record with the Principle of First Response. Recall the times that the Scribes and the Pharisees came to question Him. They were the initiators in nearly all of their communication. Their intention was to defraud Jesus and corner Him. In how many cases were they successful? None. They failed because the power to decide the direction of each conflict rested with Jesus, the responder (Luke 20:19-26).

The implications of following Jesus’ example were huge. My wife’s sin did not give me free license to sin in return. And conversely, my sin did not give Gina free license either. By following the principle of first response, we were being called to take a poorly spoken comment and redirect it.

2. The Principle of Physical Touch: It is difficult to sin against someone while you are tenderly touching him or her.

A difficult time to apply this principle is after an argument has begun. However, a perfect time is when you know you are about to sit down and have a discussion about something that might lead to tension.

You know what those topics are in your marriage. Maybe it’s a conversation about a specific child. Maybe it’s your in-laws or your finances. For us, as you might imagine, it was when we sat down to talk about our communication. Those were tough conversations.

During these times, we would sit down and pray together … and touch. Usually we were at opposite ends of the couch with Gina’s legs stretched out across mine while I held them. (You may prefer holding hands or sitting close enough that you naturally touch.)

As we talked, we would inevitably notice something. When our conversation began to drift toward conflict, we stopped touching. We found what I’m certain you’ll find: It is very difficult to fight with someone you are tenderly touching. So, we had a choice at that point: to stop fighting so we could keep touching or to stop touching so we could keep fighting.

This type of tender touching has served us in two ways. First, it is a deterrent from arguing. Second, when we do drift into an argument, our physical separation is a visual and physical cue that our conversation is no longer glorifying God. We notice it, correct it, and get back on the right track.

3. The Principle of Proper Timing: The success of a conversation can be maximized if the timing of the conversation is carefully chosen.

The book of Proverbs tells us, “A man finds joy in giving an apt reply—and how good is a timely word!” (15:23).

Typically, the first opportunity Gina and I have to talk about the day is at dinner. We often take time then to catch up. With four young children, our dinner table is an active and busy one. Consequently, we cannot practically have an extended and meaningful conversation.

So, if something has occurred that I must discuss with Gina, I will wait until the children are asleep. To bring it up during dinner is to invite frustration and ineffectiveness.

Let’s look at a couple of scenarios where we’re more likely to fail.

Gina is a very intentional homemaker and often has wonderful ideas on how to better serve our family. Let’s say she is contemplating a new approach to family dining. She’s been thinking through this for weeks and she’s now ready to get my input. This is a very good thing—but probably not at 1:30 on a Sunday afternoon when I’m watching a football game.

I’m also prone to fall into the poor timing trap. For example, Gina and I could be downstairs enjoying normal conversation. We head upstairs at 11:30 p.m. and Gina is ready for bed. As the lights go out, I ask, “What do you think God is doing with the children?” This is a question Gina would love for me to ask … about three hours earlier. When 11:30 comes, she’s ready for bed—not an extensive discussion.

There are times when a conversation is critical to have at that very moment. In those cases, of course, the football game goes off and we talk. Or, the lights go back on and we’re up until 2 a.m. However, those should be the exceptions rather than the rule. The majority of the time, we should be more strategic in the timing of our conversations.

4. The Principle of Mirroring: Understanding can be enhanced if we measure it often throughout a conversation.

The Scriptures inform us that, if we are to understand and become wise, we must be sure to incline our ears. Proverbs 22:17 states, “Incline your ear and hear the words of the wise, and apply your mind to my knowledge.”

Have you ever meant one thing by what you said but the person you were talking to heard something else? It can make for very frustrating communication. If you’re not sure if your spouse is getting what you’re talking about, check to see if you hear this phrase a lot: “What do you mean by that?”

Mirroring can help you test whether you are hearing your spouse properly. Once your spouse makes a point … repeat it to him or her. Say something like this: “So, what I hear you saying is …” or, “Are you saying … ?” Then, in your own words, tell your spouse what you understand to have been said. Then, the most important part of mirroring comes. You must allow your spouse to either affirm or correct what you’ve said.

As we learned this principle, I often didn’t like Gina’s negative or inaccurate summaries of my statements. So, I defended them and failed to allow her the freedom to speak honestly. In time, I learned that her summaries actually were quite accurate; my reactions were negative because I didn’t like how they exposed me.

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The point of mirroring is not to be right, not to defend yourself, but to know that you are hearing accurately. If you seek to understand rather than to make yourself understood, then you are primed for success with the principle of mirroring.

5. The Principle of Prayer: Success in communication is more likely when we invite God to be an active participant and guide.

This principle is not complicated, but it requires our close attention. We’ve become so accustomed to hearing about prayer that its importance often passes us by.

No matter what principle you might be using at the time or what subject you might be talking about, no scenario is beyond prayer. I have tended to overestimate my own ability to communicate well and righteously. That was evidenced in our first year of marriage.

We will eventually and inevitably sin in our communication with each other. When it begins to drift away from God’s intended purpose for it, we have a choice: Will we be puffed up with pride or will we have the humility to stop right where we are and ask God to help redeem our conversation?

I wish someone would have shared with me what late 19th and early 20th century evangelist R.A. Torrey said on prayer:

The reason why many fail in battle is because they wait until the hour of battle. The reason why others succeed is because they have gained their victory on their knees long before the battle came … Anticipate your battles; fight them on your knees before temptation comes, and you will always have victory.

One of the greatest difficulties that couples face with this principle is awkwardness. They are not used to praying together. So, as they begin to like each other less in the midst of unconstructive communication, the thought of praying together is not very appealing.

We learned an easy fix to this … start praying together. Begin with 30 seconds of prayer as you go to bed each night. Pray regularly as a family prior to eating. Pick one night a week to pray for your children, your pastor, and your marriage. Among the enormous benefits that you’ll see in your family, the regularity of prayer will make praying in the midst of communication breakdown more probable.

The transformation never ends

As a result of God’s grace intersecting with these principles, communication is now among the greatest strengths of our marriage. It’s not that we don’t still mess up—we do. Thankfully, God continues to work on me. He’ll continue to work on you, too.

At one time, I was convinced that I married the wrong woman. She was convinced she married the wrong man. Now, we cannot imagine knowing, loving, or enjoying anyone more than we do each other.

Your relationship with your spouse may differ from ours, but this much is true: Your spouse should be the single most important person you have in your life. Like it or not, communication is the tool that God has given us to knit our hearts and our minds together. Success is possible if we’re willing to apply some intentional principles. We’ve all been called to God-honoring communication. Step forward in humility and faith and watch Him transform you.

Few couples like to admit it, but conflict is common to all marriages. We have had our share of conflict and some of our disagreements have not been pretty. We could probably write a book on what not to do!

Start with two selfish people with different backgrounds and personalities. Now add some bad habits and interesting idiosyncrasies, throw in a bunch of expectations, and then turn up the heat a little with the daily trials of life. Guess what? You are bound to have conflict. It’s unavoidable.

Since every marriage has its tensions, it isn’t a question of avoiding them but of how you deal with them. Conflict can lead to a process that develops oneness or isolation. You and your spouse must choose how you will act when conflict occurs.

Step One: Resolving conflict requires knowing, accepting, and adjusting to your differences.

One reason we have conflict in marriage is that opposites attract. Usually a task-oriented individual marries someone who is more people-oriented. People who move through life at breakneck speed seem to end up with spouses who are slower-paced. It’s strange, but that’s part of the reason why you married who you did. Your spouse added a variety, spice, and difference to your life that it didn’t have before.

But after being married for a while (sometimes a short while), the attractions become repellents. You may argue over small irritations—such as how to properly squeeze a tube of toothpaste—or over major philosophical differences in handling finances or raising children. You may find that your backgrounds and your personalities are so different that you wonder how and why God placed you together in the first place.

It’s important to understand these differences, and then to accept and adjust to them. Just as Adam accepted God’s gift of Eve, you are called to accept His gift to you. God gave you a spouse who completes you in ways you haven’t even learned yet.

We were no exception. Perhaps the biggest adjustment we faced early in our marriage grew out of our differing backgrounds. I grew up in Ozark, Missouri, a tiny town in the southwestern corner of the “Show-Me” state. Barbara grew up in a country club setting near Chicago and later in Baytown, Texas. Barbara came into our marriage a refined young lady. I was a genuine hillbilly.

It was as though we came from two different countries with totally different traditions, heritages, habits, and values. The differences became apparent early in our marriage. Take furniture, for example. Barbara had an Ethan Allen dream book and she was always looking at it. It was full of things made of solid cherry, solid walnut, solid mahogany. It was nothing for chairs to cost $189.95—per leg.

I didn’t understand why she wanted to go buy this kind of stuff when, in southwest Missouri, you could go to K-Mart and get a formica table with chrome legs and six chairs! And for a lot less than $189.95. You can eat off that kind of table for years and it will never show any wear.
So, how did we compromise? We bought an antique and I was expected to refinish it—which created an opportunity for another major difference in our backgrounds to surface. Barbara’s father was an engineer. He is mechanically gifted, can fix anything, and actually enjoys it. I’m convinced he could fix a nuclear reactor.

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My dad had a background in sales. Fixing things was not his idea of fun. If bailing wire or a little duct tape wouldn’t work, he usually called the plumber or whatever repairman was necessary.
And so there we were, just married, with an antique table that needed refinishing. I went at it reluctantly, but I got it done. In some ways it saved our marriage in the early going.

Step Two: Resolving conflict requires defeating selfishness.

All of our differences are magnified in marriage because they feed what is undoubtedly the biggest source of our conflict—our selfish, sinful nature.

Maintaining harmony in marriage has been difficult since Adam and Eve. Two people beginning their marriage together and trying to go their own selfish, separate ways can never hope to experience the oneness of marriage as God intended. The prophet Isaiah portrayed the problem accurately more than 2,500 years ago when he described basic human selfishness like this: “All of us like sheep have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way” (Isaiah 53:6). We are all self-centered; we all instinctively look out for number one, and this leads directly to conflict.

Marriage offers a tremendous opportunity to do something about selfishness. We have seen the Bible’s plan work in our lives, and we’re still seeing it work daily. We have not changed each other; God has changed both of us. The answer for ending selfishness is found in Jesus and His teachings. He showed us that instead of wanting to be first, we must be willing to be last. Instead of wanting to be served, we must serve. Instead of trying to save our lives, we must lose them. We must love our neighbors (our spouses) as much as we love ourselves. In short, if we want to defeat selfishness, we must give up, give in, and give all.

As Philippians 2:1-8 tells us:

Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

To experience oneness, you must give up your will for the will of another. But to do this, you must first give up your will to Christ, and then you will find it possible to give up your will for that of your spouse.

Grab some ground rules to transform your fights into communication breakthroughs.

Step Three: Resolving conflict requires pursuing the other person.

Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as much as it depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” The longer I live the more I realize how difficult those words are for many couples. Living peaceably means pursuing peace. It means taking the initiative to resolve a difficult conflict rather than waiting for the other person to take the first step.

To pursue the resolution of a conflict means setting aside your own hurt, anger, and bitterness. It means not losing heart. My challenge to you is to “keep your relationships current.” In other words, resolve that you will remain in solid fellowship daily with your spouse—as well as with your children, parents, coworkers, and friends. Don’t allow Satan to gain a victory by isolating you from someone you care about.

Step Four: Resolving conflict requires loving confrontation.

Wordsworth said, “He who has a good friend needs no mirror.” Blessed is the marriage where both spouses feel the other is a good friend who will listen, understand, and work through any problem or conflict. To do this well takes loving confrontation.

Confronting your spouse with grace and tactfulness requires wisdom, patience, and humility. Here are a few other tips we’ve found useful:

Check your motivation. Will your words help or hurt? Will bringing this up cause healing, wholeness, and oneness, or further isolation?
Check your attitude. Loving confrontation says, “I care about you. I respect you and I want you to respect me. I want to know how you feel.” Don’t hop on your bulldozer and run your spouse down. Approach your spouse lovingly.
Check the circumstances. This includes timing, location, and setting. Don’t confront your spouse, for example, when he is tired from a hard day’s work, or in the middle of settling a squabble between the children. Also, never criticize, make fun of, or argue with your spouse in public.
Check to see what other pressures may be present. Be sensitive to where your spouse is coming from. What’s the context of your spouse’s life right now?
Listen to your spouse. Seek to understand his or her view, and ask questions to clarify viewpoints.
Be sure you are ready to take it as well as dish it out. You may start to give your spouse some “friendly advice” and soon learn that what you are saying is not really his problem, but yours!
During the discussion, stick to one issue at a time. Don’t bring up several. Don’t save up a series of complaints and let your spouse have them all at once.
Focus on the problem, rather than the person. For example, you need a budget and your spouse is something of a spendthrift. Work through the plans for finances and make the lack of budget the enemy, not your spouse.
Focus on behavior rather than character. This is the “you” message versus the “I” message again. You can assassinate your spouse’s character and stab him right to the heart with “you” messages like, “You’re always late—you don’t care about me at all; you don’t care about anyone but yourself.” The “I” message would say, “I feel frustrated when you don’t let me know you’ll be late. I would appreciate if you would call so we can make other plans.”
Focus on the facts rather than judging motives. If your spouse forgets to make an important call, deal with the consequences of what you both have to do next rather than say, “You’re so careless; you just do things to irritate me.”
Above all, focus on understanding your spouse rather than on who is winning or losing. When your spouse confronts you, listen carefully to what is said and what isn’t said. For example, it may be that he is upset about something that happened at work and you’re getting nothing more than the brunt of that pressure.

Step Five: Resolving conflict requires forgiveness.

No matter how hard two people try to love and please each other, they will fail. With failure comes hurt. And the only ultimate relief for hurt is the soothing salve of forgiveness.

The key to maintaining an open, intimate, and happy marriage is to ask for and grant forgiveness quickly. And the ability to do that is tied to each individual’s relationship with God.

About the process of forgiveness, Jesus said, “For if you forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions” (Matthew 6:14–15). The instruction is clear: God insists that we are to be forgivers, and marriage—probably more than any other relationship—presents frequent opportunities to practice.

Forgiving means giving up resentment and the desire to punish. By an act of your will, you let the other person off the hook. And as a Christian you do not do this under duress, scratching and screaming in protest. Rather, you do it with a gentle spirit and love, as Paul urged: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32).

Step Six: Resolving conflict requires returning a blessing for an insult.

First Peter 3:8-9 says, “To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.”

Every marriage operates on either the “Insult for Insult” or the “Blessing for Insult” relationship. Husbands and wives can become extremely proficient at trading insults—about the way he looks, the way she cooks, or the way he drives and the way she cleans house. Many couples don’t seem to know any other way to relate to each other.

What does it mean to return a blessing for an insult? Chapter three of 1 Peter goes on to say “For, ‘the one who desires life, to love and see good days, must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit. He must turn away from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it'” (verses 10-11).

To give a blessing first means stepping aside or simply refusing to retaliate if your spouse gets angry. Changing your natural tendency to lash out, fight back, or tell your spouse off is just about as easy as changing the course of the Mississippi River. You can’t do it without God’s help, without yielding to the power of the Holy Spirit.

It also means doing good. Sometimes doing good simply takes a few words spoken gently and kindly, or perhaps a touch, a hug, or a pat on the shoulder. It might mean making a special effort to please your spouse by performing a special act of kindness.

Finally, being a blessing means seeking peace, actually pursuing it. When you eagerly seek to forgive, you are pursuing oneness, not isolation.

Our hope

As difficult as it is to work through conflict in marriage, we can claim God’s promises as we do so. Not only does God bless our efforts based on His Word, but He also tells us He has an ultimate purpose for our trials. First Peter 1:6-7 tells us,

In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

God’s purpose in our conflicts is to test our faith, to produce endurance, to refine us, and to bring glory to Himself. This is the hope He gives us—that we can actually approach our conflicts as an opportunity to strengthen our faith and to glorify God.

Copyright © 2002 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved. Much of this material was adapted by permission from Staying Close by Dennis Rainey, ©1989, Thomas Nelson, Inc., Nashville, Tennessee. All rights reserved.

I can’t remember the exact year, but I do remember the place. My husband, Jim, and I were at a dusty baseball field somewhere in Arkansas. We were sitting on hard wooden seats in the bleachers, watching one of our sons play ball. And I turned to Jim and said, “Happy Anniversary!”

Not exactly the most memorable way to celebrate years of walking through life together—years that included the premature birth of a child, a job transfer, the death of a parent … and so much more.

Do you have a similar story? Maybe you handed your spouse an anniversary card while heading out the door to work. Or perhaps your celebration is the same year after year—dinner at a restaurant followed by a movie. Have you ever looked at the calendar and remembered your anniversary—the day after?

Are you looking for some new ideas to help your next wedding anniversary really stand out? Take steps now and begin planning a memorable celebration for the next milestone of married life. Here are 25 ideas that could help your next anniversary be the best ever:

1. Plan a day-long adventure with your spouse—a hike, bicycle ride, hot-air balloon ride … something fun and memorable that you both would enjoy.

2. Take your sweetheart on a “mystery trip.” Be creative: Travel to another city for a romantic meal … enjoy breakfast, lunch, and dinner at three different restaurants in three different towns, etc.

3. Visit some of the places you enjoyed when dating, engaged, and newly married. Stop by the church where you married, or drive by your first apartment or house. Then look through your album of wedding pictures, or watch your wedding video if you have one. End the day with a romantic dinner at home, along with a prayer asking God to help you truly love your spouse (Galatians 5:22-23, 1 Corinthians 13).

4. While dining at a romantic restaurant for your anniversary, slip your spouse a handwritten love note. (Husbands, make arrangements for a bud vase with a red rose to be at your table.)

5. Do you or your spouse enjoy painting? If so, many art studios have classes designed for couples. Register for one and experience your first evening of painting together on your anniversary. Or watch an online tutorial about painting with watercolors or oils. Create your own “masterpiece” together of a favorite memory while playing romantic music.

6. After an out-of-the-ordinary meal, talk about the hopes and dreams that you have for your life together. Then repeat your wedding vows out loud to one another and ask God to bless your marriage.

7. About a month before your anniversary, send your spouse on a scavenger hunt. Put together clues or riddles that lead to items that you’ve placed around town. The last item will reveal the reservations that you have made at a bed and breakfast for your anniversary. (Be sure to also make arrangements for any needed child care.)

8. Think of your spouse’s favorite place to relax in your home—is it on your deck, back porch, in the den? After a romantic dinner, join your spouse in that place and begin a new tradition: sitting down for a one-on-one time to focus on each other. A friend who did this says, “Now every afternoon from about 5-6 we sit on the porch and enjoy coffee together. I just listen as she decompresses her day. Very precious to her.”

9. Write a love letter and turn it into a song. Sing your love song for your spouse as you drive to a romantic anniversary dinner.

10. Go on a romantic picnic in a convertible that you rent for the day. Pack a special lunch or dinner and head out to a favorite lake or park. Remember to bring some of your favorite music, plus a camera or phone. While on your picnic, take a picture of the two of you. Then, when you return home, print the photo on your computer printer and put it in an interesting frame.

11. Wives, give your husband a small wooden box filled with handwritten notes about why you love and respect him. Include some pictures of the two of you along with memorabilia from the past year.

12. Husbands, take your wife to the exact location where you proposed. When you get there, tell her that you would marry her all over again and give her some flowers or a piece of jewelry.

13. Make plans to join your spouse doing one of their favorite hobbies or activities (hiking, visiting museums, fishing, shopping, etc.). Also make reservations to end your special day with a romantic dinner for two, at home or at a unique restaurant.

14. Make a DVD or slide show with pictures of your best vacations together. Include background music with some of your favorite songs.

15. With your spouse, plan an anniversary getaway. If you decide to stay in town, ask a favorite hotel or lodge about their romantic anniversary packages. You may want to go out of town for a trip—and it doesn’t have to be just for the weekend. Read these ideas from our readers about getaways they’ve enjoyed. Or for a unique experience, take your spouse to one of FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember® marriage getaways. It’s one of the best investments you could make in your marriage.

Can sex in Christian marriage be spectacular? See our online course!

16. Jot down a collection of words that tell the story of your marriage. Use nice stationery and pens with different colored ink. Frame it and add a note on the back.

17. Wives, write your husband a check for 100 kisses. Be available to cash the check for him when and where he likes.

18. The day before your anniversary, surprise your spouse with a one-of-of-a-kind crossword puzzle. The answers to the clues will all be about your marriage (where you went on your first date, the name of his best man or her maid of honor, the year you married, etc.). The last clue will be the name of a special restaurant that both of you enjoy. After the puzzle is solved, tell your spouse that you have made reservations at that restaurant for a romantic anniversary dinner. (You may want to search for “crossword puzzle maker” to locate a website that automatically generates crossword puzzles.)

19. Purchase or make a keepsake box. Put a few pictures from your wedding in it, along with notes to one another about why you fell in love. Then, each year on your anniversary, take a picture of just you and your spouse doing something fun. Slip a print of it into the box, along with notes sharing marriage highlights from that year. Carve out time on your anniversary every year to look at the contents of your keepsake box and reminisce about the good times in your marriage.

20. Purchase one of your favorite take-out meals and enjoy it at home together by candlelight. After dinner, give your spouse a dozen notes written on heart-shaped paper. Ask your spouse to jot down 12 reasonable things that they would like you to do or make during the next year, then put these notes in a heart-shaped bowl. Finally, give your spouse a dozen red glass hearts. (These can be purchased online or at many craft stores.) Tell them to exchange one of the glass hearts each month for the fulfillment of one of the notes.

21. On your anniversary, give your spouse a one-of-a-kind coupon book that you’ve created. Examples of coupons are: back massage … a day at the spa … cleaning the car … a foot rub … making a favorite recipe together … taking a weekend trip to see your spouse’s parents, etc.

22. Order matching custom photo coffee mugs with a picture of you and your spouse that represents a special memory.

23. About a week before your anniversary, begin to remind your spouse of your love. For example, leave a love note on the steering wheel of the car or place a romantic card on a pillow. This can also be as simple as writing “I love you” on sticky notes and leaving them on the bathroom mirror.

24. Commission an artist to paint one of your favorite pictures of just you and your spouse. Or, order a canvas print of it on the internet.

25. Without telling your spouse, make hotel reservations for your anniversary. Then, the day before, tell your spouse to pack their bags and to expect a text from you during the workday. In the text give the location and room number of the hotel or bed and breakfast where you will be waiting. Have soft music playing when your spouse arrives and ask room service to deliver your evening meal.

I hope these ideas have given you some new ways to celebrate your wedding anniversary. After all, the day you vowed lifelong love should be more than a circled date on the family calendar.

This year, let’s not just sit in the bleachers and watch one more anniversary pass by. Let’s get in the game. Let’s celebrate!

A television talk show host was interviewing one of Hollywood’s biggest male stars, a man known for his romantic image. At one point, the host asked him, “What makes a great lover?”

“Two things,” the star replied. “First of all, it is a man who can satisfy one woman over a lifetime. And it is a man who can be satisfied with one woman for a lifetime.”

What a great answer! To build a lasting marriage of oneness and intimacy, you and your spouse must be committed to meeting each other’s physical and emotional needs. For a lifetime. And one of those needs is for romance.

To ensure that we don’t miss the importance of romance, God dedicated an entire book of the Bible, Song of Solomon, to the subject. Reading this poetic book is like eavesdropping on a romantic dialogue between a man and his wife. Solomon describes his love as a hot fire. “Many waters,” he declares, “cannot quench the flame of love” (Song of Solomon 8:7, TLB).

We need that fire in our marriages. The problem is that within the first year or two after the wedding ceremony, something happens in most marriages. Those romantic flames that burned so brightly during engagement seem to crumble into faint, glowing embers.

Obstacles to romance

What is it about marriage that seems to douse our romantic creativity? At some point in almost every marriage, a couple realizes they just don’t experience the same romantic feelings they once enjoyed. As one person cynically observed, “The period of engagement is like an exciting introduction to a dull book.”

When Barbara and I dated during the summer of 1972, it was an intense relationship from the start. We spent 52 out of 55 days together, and we missed those three days only because I was sick! Although there was no sexual involvement of any kind, we enjoyed plenty of romance. We did all sorts of things together—picnics, hikes, long drives, late night talks sitting outside her apartment … no two dates were the same.

During our marriage we’ve enjoyed some great highlights—a fall foliage trip to New England on our tenth anniversary, a getaway at a cozy bed-and-breakfast inn, candlelit dinners at home after the kids were in bed (when they were little) … I could go on and on.

We’ve faced some big challenges during these years, however, as we’ve discovered what Solomon calls the “little foxes that spoil the vineyards” (Song of Solomon 2:15). These are the thieves that will steal the fruit of love before it has a chance to be enjoyed.

If you want to taste the delicious fruit of romantic love in your relationship, then you’d better pay close attention to those things that are “nipping your love in the bud.” For Barbara and me, these things have included:

Wrong priorities
Young kids who wear you out so you have little energy for romance
Teenagers who won’t go to bed
Financial pressures
Changing seasons of a marriage
Poor health
Crowded schedules
Unrealistic expectations
A critical spirit
Unresolved conflict

I think the worst one, however, is apathy. If you truly are committed to enjoying the type of oneness God intends in a relationship, you need to commit some time and energy to keeping romance in your marriage.

Can sex in Christian marriage be spectacular? See our online course!

Three steps to romance

To put that spark back into your marriage, I have three suggestions:

First, identify the “foxes” stealing your romance and make plans for how to face them. For example, many couples with young children could find more time together simply by establishing more routine in their homes and putting the kids to bed earlier.

Second, discover how your spouse views romance. Men and women usually see romance through different lenses. To confirm this, the next time you are in Bible study or Sunday school class, divide the men and women into separate groups and ask them what they consider to be romantic.

I’ll guarantee you the men will give answers that focus on physical intimacy such as “Dress up in a sexy negligee.” The women, however, will say things like, “Take me to a romantic, candlelit restaurant” or “Spend time talking with me,” or “Sit in front of a fire and cuddle.” Men are motivated by sight and touch, while women want to focus on the relational aspects of marriage.

Third, take the time to plan something creative. Do something different, out of the ordinary, something that will capture your spouse’s attention and communicate romance in the language he or she understands.

Romance requires commitment

For Barbara and me, romance has always been spelled, “adventure.” One time I asked Barbara, “Out of all the adventures and romantic times we’ve had together, what has been your favorite?”

I wasn’t surprised by her answer: “Our honeymoon.”

Now I know that’s not true for some folks. But for us it was an all-time memory maker. I won’t bore you with the details, but I took weeks to plan a two-week honeymoon in the Colorado Rockies. We went camping and also stayed in a cabin next to a roaring river. Barbara loved our time together because it was an adventure with plenty of time for just the two of us to talk and share our thoughts and our dreams.

Rekindling the romance in your marriage doesn’t require a lot of money, and it often doesn’t even take that much time. What you do need is a long-term commitment to do it. Like any good fire in the fireplace, romance needs attention and fuel. Take some time today to throw another log on the fire—the warmth is worth it!

When asked to describe the purpose of romance, a woman will use words such as friendship, relationship, endearment, and tenderness. Given the same question, a man will answer with one of the shortest words in the English language—sex. For him, physical oneness and affirmation of his manhood equal romance.

Can two people with such different perspectives have their expectations met? Absolutely! But creating adventurous romance requires planning and enthusiastic effort. The relationship has to be a top priority. One reason so many marriage beds are frozen over or boring is that couples just don’t have time for romance and sex. Too many husbands and wives try to work sex in between the evening news and late night talk shows.

Let’s face it. Many of our activities and other important things get the best of our resources and energy. Jobs get our best. Children get our best. Church work gets our best. But are we saving any of our best for romance in marriage?

The Rainey Rainbow Room

When we had children at home, Barbara and I worked hard to save some of our best for each other. Our children learned over the years that Mom and Dad often like to have quiet evenings alone. When the children were younger, we occasionally turned the kitchen into a famous big-time restaurant called the Rainey Rainbow Room and let each child order a special meal from a special menu. Barbara and I served as chef and waiter, and the kids had a great time learning a little bit about how to eat out.

Later in the evening, they knew they were to go to their rooms and stay there, not coming out for anything except bathroom runs. At 8 p.m., Barbara and I turned our bedroom into our own romantic cafe, complete with a small table, candles, and flowers (when I remembered to pick them up). There we would eat, talk, and relax. As we communicated, we were reminded of what attracted us to each other, and romance had an opportunity to ignite. We didn’t have to worry about a babysitter and didn’t have to leave the house to get away alone.

It takes time

To make anything like this work, you must schedule it and then take the time to follow through. If I have learned anything in marriage, it is that romance, our relationship, and sex take time. And they deserve our best.

I have spent the better part of my marriage learning and adjusting the following summary of a woman’s romantic needs. The list was developed through much observation and conversation with Barbara and other women. I also have learned a great amount from the best book ever written on romance, passion, and sex—the Song of Songs in the Old Testament. Obviously, a woman has more than five romantic needs, but I consider these to be the top five:

1. A woman needs her man to minister to her spiritually.

Are you surprised that something to do with candy and flowers isn’t number one? A woman wants a man eager to be her protector, someone who cares not just about her security and physical needs but also (and even more importantly) about her spirituality, the well-being of her very soul.

A husband can be a spiritual protector and advocate for his wife by praying with and for her daily, putting his arms around her, and saying, “I want to ask God to bless you. I want to take any needs you have in your life right now to the Lord. And I’m going to pray for you throughout this day.” A wise husband takes the lead in sharing Scripture and eagerly initiating conversation on spiritual issues.

A husband can contribute to his wife’s spiritual well-being by giving her some time to pursue her spiritual growth. For example, he might take care of the kids by himself for the evening while she attends a Bible study.

I suggest that every young husband who wants to better understand his wife and his job description should read The Christian Husband, a book by my friend and colleague Bob Lepine.

2. A woman needs to feel safe and secure with her husband.

A woman needs to feel her husband’s covenantal commitment to stay married and to love her and accept her. Then she feels safe to give him the gift of who she is in the marriage relationship. The Shulammite woman, who was the object of Solomon’s passion, said, “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine” (Song 6:3). She obviously had a strong sense of contentment and security.

A wife needs to know that romantic intimacy is just between her and her husband, that he will not share any personal details with his friends. She should not feel pressured or fearful, experiencing the love that casts out all fear (1 John 4:18).

Can sex in Christian marriage be spectacular? See our online course!

3. A woman needs to share intimate conversation with her husband.

According to something I read recently, the typical couple spends only four minutes a day in meaningful conversation with each other. A lot of us husbands don’t realize that for our wives to consider us romantic, we first of all have to be a great friend and a conversationalist.

Grunts and one-word answers to questions just don’t cut it! Too many women don’t feel that their husbands really need them, and bare-bones conversation confirms their sense of low personal value. Many men who were accomplished at romantic, deep conversation during courtship seem to lose this talent later. You can rediscover the groove! Make a commitment to learn to make intimate conversation a priority with your wife. You need to talk and fill her in on the details of your life—not just facts, but feelings.

When a husband sincerely shows his desire for conversation and a deepening relationship—emotional intimacy—he will find that his wife is much more interested in sexual intimacy. Her dreams, hopes, desires, and disappointments then are not divorced from the marriage bed but are a part of it.

4. A woman needs to receive a tender touch and hear gentle words from her husband.

Before marriage, two people in love can hardly keep their hands off each other because they find the touch of their beloved thrilling. What happens after the wedding? Some couples married for a while would find a firm handshake a wildly intimate encounter. This should not be the case in a marriage. There is great power in tender touch, even if it’s just a long, full-body hug or a lingering kiss. Or the touch may be a gentle caress of her face that has no motive to make sexual demands but communicates, “I love you, Sweetheart, and I care for you tenderly.”

Gentle words have similar power. I have made a partial list of some things that I think any husband could use in complimenting and praising his wife: charm; femininity; faithfulness to God, you, your children; hard work; beauty; personality; her love, including her receptivity and responsiveness to you as a man; her advice and counsel; character; desirability; friendship—and that’s just a start. What wife won’t respond to a husband who praises her regularly with gentle words for all these qualities?

5. A woman needs to be pursued and set apart by her man.

A wife wants a husband who will sweep her off her feet, carry her away to the castle, and say, “Let’s spend time together.” Focused attention is like precious gold in a relationship.

One time Barbara and I had a little unresolved argument over a weekend. A couple of days later we went on our customary weekly date. We finally had the time and environment to fully discuss and resolve our differences. What it took was several hours away from phones, papers and bills, and the needs of our children. Your wife craves this focused attention from you.

To build a strong marriage where you and your wife are experiencing oneness, you must be committed to satisfying her physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. I hope you both enjoy a lifetime of satisfaction!

It’s no surprise that many husbands and wives think differently about sex. And these differences can easily become a source of conflict in marriage. With that in mind, I want to suggest seven things husbands need to remember about sex and seven things wives need to keep in mind as well:

What husbands should remember about sex

1. Hollywood sex is made up. It’s a fantasy. The people in romantic scenes in movies are actors. Don’t try to measure your marital sex against what you see in a romantic film.

2. Sex is probably (but not necessarily) a lower priority for your wife than it is for you. Are you as committed to meeting her non-sexual needs and desires as you’d like her to be with your desire for sex? Could you even name her top three relationship needs? Here is one of them …

3. Your wife needs a safe and secure relationship. In order for her to engage in sex with heart and mind and body, she needs to know that you will be there for her, that you are committed to her, and that she is your one and only.

4. Your wife wants to have sex with a companion, not with someone who simply shares her mailing address. If you’re not spending time having fun together in all kinds of settings, she’s going to be less motivated to be with you sexually.

5. You don’t need to have an affair to be an unfaithful husband. Whether you look at pornography or at other women, the Bible makes it clear that any lust for a woman who is not your wife is adultery.

6. There is no secret formula to arousal. If you think you have found a secret formula, and you attempt to repeat the recipe, your wife will change the secret. Women don’t want to be figured out. They also don’t want to be manipulated.

7. Your wife is insecure about her physical beauty. She sees all the flaws. Watch what you say to her.

Can sex in Christian marriage be spectacular? See our online course!

What wives should remember about sex

1. Sex is God’s idea. He created it and gave it as a good gift to husbands and wives in marriage. It is a key part of His plan for how we become one in marriage.

2. For most men, sex is a big deal—and it’s not because men are perverted or ungodly. God delights when a husband and wife enjoy marital intimacy.

3. How you respond to your husband when he initiates sex is critical. To be uninterested can communicate a lack of respect and honor for him. I’m not saying you need to say yes every time he initiates. But when you say no, explain why in a way that still affirms your desire for him.

4. Sex is a marital discipline. It’s a part of how we serve each other in marriage. It is wrong for a wife to use sex as a reward or a lack of sex as punishment. The Bible clearly teaches that husbands and wives are not to deprive each other in this area.

5. Men are visually oriented. No matter how you see yourself, he is stimulated by sight. Again, God is the One who made men with a desire to see women naked. And the only legitimate way for your husband to satisfy this God-given desire is for you to let him see you naked.

6. Men in romance novels and soap operas are made up. The strong, sensitive, caring men portrayed in most romance novels are fictional characters. No husband can live up to the near perfection an author presents.

7. Creativity is good. The Bible says that the marriage bed is undefiled. This means that a husband and wife have freedom to explore what brings them pleasure and enjoyment in the sexual arena of marriage. Neither of you should be pressured to do something you’re uncomfortable with in the sexual relationship. But passion can be stirred by variety and creativity in the sexual relationship.

Why do marriage partners—even men—sometimes lose interest in sex? Personally, I think the main culprit is sheer exhaustion. Tiredness and lack of exercise kill the sex drive. We become so stressed out and bone-tired that all we want is time alone, time for ourselves, and time for blessed sleep. Incessant busyness is the plague of our contemporary lifestyle, and it is greatly damaging to our physical intimacy as husbands and wives.

Of course, there may be other reasons, too. These could include misconceptions about sex, past sexual abuse, guilt, anger, and even physical problems.

One of the most common reasons that believers may struggle with enjoyment of sex is the sense of guilt that arises from immoral sexual activity in their pasts. That is precisely why our good and loving God gave us His rules and commands for our protection. He understands very well that sex outside the marriage relationship is devastating to our very personhood.

Fleeing immorality

In 1 Corinthians 6, Paul writes to a once licentious group of people to remind them that although we are sexual beings, God did not make the body for sex; rather, He made our bodies for Himself. Having said this, Paul then urges the Corinthians to flee sexual immorality. Every other sin that a man commits, Paul tells them, is outside the body. But the immoral man sins against his own body (1 Corinthians 6:13-18). Unrestrained immorality and deviant sex acts can severely damage our capacity to enjoy sex with a lifelong partner as God intended.

For some people, sex awakens all manner of horrific or sickening memories. As a result, the very thought of someone touching us as others did in their disobedience causes us to want to run, to hide, to curl up in a ball where there will be no edges of our being exposed. If we were promiscuous before marriage—with our future mate or with someone else—we can carry a sense of uncleanness or bitterness into our marriages that shut down our normal responses and desires.

Is there a cure for such problems?

Thank God, there is! The Bible gives us the hope of a clean start, a fresh beginning. Healing and restoration are available to those who seek God’s face and obey His precepts.

Clean, restored, and made new

Did you realize that the Greek word for salvation, soteria, speaks of deliverance? When God saves us, He delivers us. And that deliverance is so complete that we are simply no longer what we used to be. In Romans 6:6, we learn that our old self, what we were before we were born again into God’s family, is dead.

The old us is gone. We’re brand-new in Christ.

In 2 Corinthians 5:16-17, Paul says, “Therefore from now on we recognize no one according to the flesh; even though we have known Christ according to the flesh, yet now we know Him in this way no longer. Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.”

The problem comes when we don’t know, believe, or live in the light of the total deliverance God has given to us. When I live as if my old, dead-and-gone identity still exists—the one who was abused or the one who wittingly or unwittingly disobeyed God’s precepts in the sexual realm—then I am dragging another person into bed along with my spouse. And three’s a crowd! You cannot give your mate your full attention when you are preoccupied by past mistakes and illicit sexual experiences.

But what if I don’t feel like having sex?

There is no reason to refuse one another sexual gratification. Abstinence should only come by mutual agreement, and then only for a reasonable amount of time. The purpose for abstinence should be for extended prayer, period. Headaches, backaches, and being tired are not legitimate excuses, although out of love these, along with other reasons, should be considered.

You need to remember that there is nothing wrong with the raw sexual drive. God created us with desires and hormones! Therefore, if you deprive one another of God’s means of quenching sexual fire, you put your mate squarely into the path of temptation. And you will answer for that because you have sinned by disobeying God.

Because women are not usually as easily aroused, I can tell you there have been times when I have dearly wanted to say no. (Desire can flare up at the most inopportune times!) And there have been a few rare occasions when I have asked, “Do we really need to?” Which, translated, means, “Can you wait?”

But I can also tell you that in those rare incidents I found it hard to get to sleep afterward. Why? Because I was more concerned about myself than I was about my husband. I know what the Word of God says about dying to self, and I want to be all God wants me to be. So I have simply decided that I will honor this part of the marriage commitment and will keep it without resentment. I will give it my all, even when I don’t feel like it.

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Think before you say no

Once you say no to your spouse, it is easier to say no the next time—and to continue to come up with excuses. It has been proven that the more you put off this intimate oneness, the easier it becomes and the less you desire it. It becomes a sad habit of life, a residual, recurrent infection insidiously draining the marriage of its vitality and strength, and robs us of a depth of intimacy we all need.

And it wounds the one who was rejected. He or she can’t help feeling, “What’s wrong with me?” Sex affirms our masculinity and our femininity at the deepest level.

It’s apparent that in marriage, a good sex life increases your happiness. By the same token, happiness—satisfaction with life and with yourself—usually increases libido. It’s a cycle we don’t want to ignore, and one that we should do all we can to maintain.

We need to work at the success of one another as a lover in the bedroom and as a valued person beyond the bedroom. Sometimes the most loving thing a wife can do when her husband is dealing with some sort of blow to his ego or self-worth is to become the aggressor in the bedroom. Sex with your mate can be a very valuable ministry—and that is how you need to see it at times.

My body is not mine alone

When we marry, we have a duty before God to meet our mate’s sexual needs (1 Corinthians 7:1-5). These needs should never be met in a way that demeans or devalues our mates. They are to be met pleasantly, submissively. Once I marry, my body is not “mine alone”; it belongs to my spouse. The husband has authority over his wife’s body and she over his.

But notice that even if you abstain it’s to be for only a little while to prevent immorality. Your sex drive is a gift from God, and if you cannot control yourself, then you need to get married. That is why Paul goes on to say in verse 9, “But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” The outlet is marriage—sex in marriage.

The next time you stop at McDonald’s, try this: At the counter, say, “I’d like to have a hamburger, fries, and a Coke, please.” Then listen carefully to the cashier. If she’s worth her salt, she’ll ask you, “Will that be large fries and a large Coke?” You see, a well-trained cashier would never ask, “Will that be small fries and a small Coke?”

What’s the difference?

Just millions of dollars. Changing one word—large instead of small—is called “suggestive selling.” That’s no accident. McDonald’s intentionally places a positive thought in your mind about buying the large size. Why? The company’s research shows that customers will, more often than not, sink their teeth into the larger order if presented with the larger option.

Understanding customer behavior isn’t small potatoes.

When multiplied by millions of orders a month, tens of millions of extra dollars a year flow into hungry cash registers—all because the company took the time to know the customers.

McDonald’s is so committed to understanding its clientele, it even knows most customers prefer to bite into a hamburger and taste the ketchup before the mustard.

What does all this have to do with romance? Plenty. The success McDonald’s has experienced as the world leader of fast-food franchises came about because the company became a careful student of the customer. In the same way, one key to thriving in your relationship is to understand your wife. This is not to suggest that you should try to manipulate her. Rather, as you invest time and effort to understand your wife, you’ll discover how to define romance using your wife’s dictionary.

I have to admit that I defined romance for years using my distinctly male dictionary. We men spell romance: S-E-X. However, I’ve learned that when I want to communicate romance with Barbara, I’d better understand how she defines the word! As a husband does this, he understands the three nonnegotiables for a romantically satisfying relationship: security, acceptance, and an emotional connection. Let’s unpack these one at a time.

Nonnegotiable #1: Security

If a man heard somebody breaking into his house in the middle of the night, what guy wouldn’t grab a baseball bat and defend his wife and his children against the intruder? That’s a given. But did you know that your wife is, in many ways, under assault every day? Look carefully, and you’ll discover there are all kinds of forces that have already broken into her life; they’ve already compromised the security of your home life.

Who are these intruders?

Often they come in the form of unresolved issues from the past—wounds from abuse, from family abandonment, from poor choices in the past, or from a divorce. These trespassers might not be obvious to you on the surface, but they can rob your wife’s sense of well-being years after the fact.

For example, when Barbara and I were first married, I had no idea that she had experienced some painful things growing up. Some of those wounds began to surface about 15 years into our marriage. I’m going to purposefully be vague because what she had experienced was not as important as how I responded. When the persistent invaders finally came out of the shadows, I did my best to comfort her and express the love of Christ to her.

Although I didn’t always know what to do, I didn’t run from her wounds. I didn’t deny she’d been hurt. I tried to let her know that she was loved and that our relationship was a safe place for her to begin to heal. And I asked God to give me wisdom to know how to encourage her. God does answer prayer.

Even as I shouldered the burden with her, I knew we could use some added help from a professional, so we made arrangements for counseling. Barbara would say today that those days were very challenging, but going through the experience together enabled her ultimate freedom.

Past issues are not the only unwelcome guests that threaten a wife’s security. She desires to know her husband is committed to providing financial security in the home. Do you take the lead in establishing a family budget and pay off bills in a timely manner that creates security, or do you create fear with reckless financial decisions?

She wants a relationship built upon the bedrock security of a husband who refuses to follow his temptations. Are you a man in control of your passions, or do you lack self-control? And when she is subjected to a cruel or emotionally abusive co-worker, family member, or friend, she needs a husband who will defend her. Do you protect her emotionally from any person who is trying to take advantage of her by going to that person and verbally shielding her?

What vandals threaten her security? Does she struggle with the memory of an abortion, sexual abuse, or her parents’ divorce that robs her joy today? Are there unhealthy influences or relationships in her life? Does she fear the future: growing old, children leaving home, the loss of parents and friends?

If so, how do you plan to evict these home invaders?

Allow me to suggest that you do not try to “fix” it or “fix” her. Most importantly, I’d encourage you to pray with and for her. Do not underestimate the power of praying for your wife. Pray simply, but pray out loud. Take her by the hand and ask God for wisdom and help with the task. Proverbs 2:6 assures you that “the LORD gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding” (NKJV). Ask God to guide you.

Secondly, I’d encourage you to repeatedly verbalize your love and commitment to her. Your wife may be about to take on an emotional giant in her life and she needs to know that you are standing with her and for her. Remind her that you promised, “for better or worse.”

Third, give her the freedom to process what she is experiencing emotionally with you. This kind of conversation means that you become a safe haven in an emotional storm. Let her talk without offering a solution. Comfort her with words of understanding that create hope.

It’s a wise husband who can look back into his wife’s life and evaluate how she has been affected by past events rather than sit back and be critical of how she was raised, or make negative comments about the parents who raised her. Instead, the prudent husband will serve as a healing ointment, a salve of love, one that fosters an environment where healing takes place.

Romance thrives in a secure relationship.

Nonnegotiable #2: Acceptance

When it comes to acceptance, every man should take a page from the Song of Solomon and apply it to his marriage. You see, Solomon knew the importance of elevating his wife’s beauty, her appearance, her dignity, her worth, and her value as a woman. As you’ll see in a moment, he carefully chose his words to communicate how beautiful she was to him. Such praise and affirmation are essential for a woman to hear. Acceptance begins with an understanding of what your wife is feeling about herself.

Does she feel good about the way she looks? Her hair? Her clothes and shoes? Her weight? Her skin tone? Her body image? Her teeth? Her overall attractiveness? Chances are good that she compares herself to the airbrushed models of perfection she sees every day. From the covers of the magazines in the checkout line to the advertisements she watches on television, your wife is constantly made to feel inferior, unworthy, and unacceptable.

Solomon recognized his bride’s need for affirmation and didn’t hesitate to go beyond mere acceptance. He lavished praise on her. He said, “I liken you, my darling, to a mare harnessed to one of the chariots of Pharaoh” (Song of Solomon 1:9). Now, before you try that line on your wife, keep in mind the context. The picture was of Solomon’s finest mare, most likely an Arabian beauty, a dark creature of unquestioned magnificence. It was the finest horse that money could buy. This exotic creature would have turned heads—maybe even caused a stampede because of her exquisite beauty. In other words, Solomon used poetic language to tell his wife that she was magnificent.

But that’s not all.

Solomon quickly added, “Your cheeks are beautiful with earrings, your neck with strings of jewels. We will make you earrings of gold, studded with silver” (Song of Solomon 1:10–11). He not only accepted her and saw her as a woman of great beauty, but he lavished jewelry on her. When was the last time you sprang for a new bracelet? A necklace? A ring? Like Solomon, let your wife know you esteem her greatly by giving her something extraordinary.

When Barbara and I were first married, I realized early on that she needed to be cherished for her beauty. When we started to have children, her body began to change. She wondered if she was still physically attractive to me. I worked at praising her beauty at that stage in our marriage. And now that we’ve moved into the empty nest years, I can’t coast. I understand how important it is for me to continue to praise her. The truth is, I think she’s spectacular!

In the same way, your wife longs for unconditional acceptance. She secretly hopes you’ll notice and commend her various qualities—her receptivity and obedience to God, her personality, her faithfulness in raising children and making a home. Because you are the most important person in her life, your affirmation and acceptance unleash an inner beauty and a confidence that radiate.

Nonnegotiable #3: Emotional connection

Marriage is a partnership that takes teamwork. Some men fail in their partnership because they don’t make an emotional connection with their wives. Heidi, who attended one of FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember® marriage getaways, writes, “My husband does nothing to help me around the house. I am just plain tired. I do all the laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, everything after working all day … oh, we’ll stay married, but I just know we could be happier.”

Did you know that when you participate in family life by sharing in some of the daily duties, you connect with your wife on an emotional level? Men spell romance s-e-x, but women spell romance r-e-l-a-t-i-o-n-s-h-i-p. Working together around the house or in the yard (Barbara’s other domain) is a great way to communicate your love for your wife.

Another way to connect emotionally is to compliment your wife. Proverbs 16:24 offers this pointer: “Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones” (NKJV). How often do you praise your wife for what she does? Consider a few of these compliments to brighten her day:

“Dinner was great! Thank you for always making creative meals, even when you’re tired of cooking.”
“I love the way you read books to our kids. That’s so much better for them than watching TV.”
“I’m grateful that you carefully budget our paycheck each month.”
“I admire the way you handled yourself with that rude salesman—you have such a winsome approach.”
“The flowers you planted make our home so much more inviting. I appreciate your hard work.”

As you work to make an emotional connection with your words and actions, go below the surface to the real issues of life. How? Start to talk with her. For some, this involves a conscious choice. Share with her, for example, what goes on at work—what you’re doing well, where you’re struggling, the people you’re working with, the people you encounter. Most women love hearing all of the details. You’ll also discover that she can provide wise counsel on different issues you’re facing.

Finally, ask your wife questions about what she is feeling, and then listen to her. One way I do this with Barbara is to ask questions that can’t be answered with a “yes” or “no.” For example, I might ask her, “How did that exchange with our teenage son make you feel?” Making the effort to know specifics about her background, her favorite things, and her dreams all communicate to her, “I want to know you. I want to be your soul mate.”

A favorite question that I asked Barbara was, “What is the most courageous thing you’ve ever done in your life?” Try that question on a date night with your wife, and give her time to think about her answer. You might consider sharing how you would answer the question. Here are some more questions to help you make the connection:

What is one of your earliest childhood memories?
What is one thing from your past that you struggle with?
What was one of your proudest achievements before we met?
What was your relationship with your dad like? How about your mom?
What would you say was our best family vacation, and why?
What is your favorite book in the Bible? Hymn? Why?
If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you like to live?
What dreams do you have for our children?
What do you long to experience with me in our marriage?
What do you want to accomplish after the kids are grown?

As you study your wife and learn how and when to build security, acceptance, and emotional connection into your relationship, you will become an irresistible man.

And let me make one last practical suggestion: When you come home from work, here are four of the most romantic words to say to your wife: How can I help? You’ll never go wrong asking this question any time of the day or night. Those words are music to her ears because they demonstrate that you desire to connect to her world. Why not try it—and mean it—tonight?

There is a story of a man who died and went to heaven to find two signs above two different lines. One sign said: “ALL THOSE MEN WHO HAVE BEEN DOMINATED BY THEIR WIVES, STAND HERE.” That line of men seemed to stretch off through the clouds into infinity.

The second sign read: “ALL THOSE WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN DOMINATED BY THEIR WIVES, STAND HERE.” Underneath the sign stood one man. He went over to the man, grabbed his arm and said, “What’s the secret, how did you do it? That other line has millions of men and you are the only one standing in this line.” The man looked around with a puzzled expression and said, “Why, I am not sure I know. My wife just told me to stand here.” We have all heard jokes about “who wears the pants in the family.” Yet leadership in the home is no laughing matter. During the last few decades our culture has redefined the meaning and responsibilities of men and women in society and in the home. Many men are confused and insecure. Many do not know how to act in the home. Growing up, they lacked a good model for leadership at home and have no mental picture of what it means to lead a family.

Becoming passive

Consequently, they do not lead effectively, or they do not even try. Increasingly, many men are becoming passive in the home. They’ve decided that the easiest thing to do is nothing. The simplest thing—with the smallest risk—is to stay on the fence with both feet firmly planted in mid-air and let the wife do it. When a man is married to a strong wife who will take over, he often lets her do just that. Fortunately, there is an answer. The Scriptures clearly give us the model for being a man, a husband, and a father. I call that model the “servant/leader.” I hope that the concepts I share will help you understand the biblical role of a husband more clearly than ever before. When correctly interpreted and applied, these concepts not only result in freedom for the husband and wife, but will also help you work better as a team to combat isolation and conflict in your marriage.

1. Be a leader.

The Scriptures provide a clear organizational structure for a marriage. For example:

But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ. —1 Corinthians 11:3 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. —Ephesians 5:22-24 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. —Ephesians 5:25-30

“Head” does not mean male dominance, where a man lords it over a woman and demands her total obedience to his every wish and command. God never viewed women as second-class citizens. His Word clearly states that we are all equally His children and are of equal value and worth before Him. As Galatians 3:28 tells us, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28).

Husbands who don’t get the message

The teaching of the New Testament clearly shows that women are to be respected, revered, and treated as equals with men. Unfortunately, many husbands have not gotten the message. They degrade their wives by neglect or with insensitive and abusive treatment. One cause of the feminist movement may have been that men abandoned God’s design. When God presented Eve to Adam in the Garden, Adam received her as a gift of great value to God and to himself. When husbands, particularly Christian husbands, do not treat their wives as a precious gift from God and helpmate, they can cause those wives to search for ways to find significance and value as persons, often outside God’s will.

Men, grab a powerful mini-course to help you step into chaos.

Are you a leader? Men who are natural leaders have no trouble answering the question “yes.” They know how to take over, control, guide, and get things done. Some men are not strong or are not natural leaders. How can they lead in the home?

A position of responsibility

Paul says the same to everyone. God has placed the husband in the position of responsibility. It does not matter what kind of personality a man may have. Your wife may be resisting you, fighting you, and spurning your attempts to lead, but it makes no difference. I believe our wives want us and need us to lead. You are not demanding this position; on the contrary, God placed you there. You will not lead her perfectly, but you must care for you wife and family by serving them with perseverance. Scripture does more than assign leadership in a marriage to the husband, however. Those same passages you just read also provide a model for that leadership. The Apostle Paul says that the husband is head of the wife as Christ is head of the church. “This comparison of the husband with Christ reveals the sense in which a man should be his wife’s ‘head.'” Hendriksen writes, “He is her head as being vitally interested in her welfare. He is her protector. His pattern is Christ, who, as head of the church, is its Savior!” Let’s look more closely at two responsibilities that flow out of proper leadership.

2. Love your wife unconditionally.

Ephesians 5:25 reads, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” Your unconditional acceptance of your wife is not based upon her performance, but on her worth as God’s gift to you. If you want to love your wife unconditionally, always be sure her emotional tank is full. One of the best ways to do that is to affirm her constantly. Let her know verbally that you value her, respect her, and love her. I have discovered that I simply cannot do that enough. There is no question that words communicate love, but so do actions. You need to do both. As the Apostle John wrote in one of his letters: “let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth” (1 John 3:18). One of the missing ingredients in male leadership in homes is sacrificial action. When was the last time you gave up something for your wife—something you genuinely valued, like your golf game, a fishing trip, or your hobby? Sometimes you need to give up something you enjoy so your wife can have a break and see your love for her.

3. Serve your wife.

According to the New Testament, being head of your wife does not mean being her master, but her servant. Again, Christ is our model for this type of leadership. Jesus did not just talk about serving; He demonstrated it when he washed His disciples’ feet (John 13:1-17). Christ, the Head of the Church, took on the very nature of a servant when He was made in human likeness (Philippians 2:7). One of the best ways to serve your wife is to understand her needs and try to meet them. Do you know what your wife’s top three needs are right now? If she is a young mother, she has a certain set of basic needs. If your children are grown and gone and you are in the empty nest, your wife has a different set of needs that you should try to meet. Is she worried about anything? What troubles her? What type of pressure does she feel? Learn the answers to questions like that, and then do what you can to reduce her worries, her troubles, her pressures. What do you know about your wife’s hopes and dreams? I bet she has plenty—do you know what they are? Are you cultivating her gifts? If she has a knack for decorating, do you help her develop that?

Providing

Another way to serve your wife is to provide for her. This provision first involves assuming responsibility for meeting the material needs of the family. Paul tells us in 1 Timothy 5:8, “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever.” Providing for your wife also means taking the initiative in helping meet her spiritual needs. You do this by modeling godly character, by praying with her, by spending time together in God’s Word, and by looking for ways to encourage her spiritually. To be a leader, a lover, and a servant is to accommodate your life to the gift God has given you—your wife. Give up your life for hers and, at the judgment seat of Christ, He will say, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.” You may want to read Barbara Rainey’s article “What Should Be the Wife’s Role in Marriage?“

In the 1960s, The Supremes recorded their hit song “Stop! In the Name of Love!” I remember singing the words as a teenager: “Before you break my heart … think it o-o-ver …”

Even though I’ve been married for decades now, it’s still important for me to consider my husband’s needs. I should think about the possible effects of my careless words, attitudes, and actions before I break his heart. Can you identify?

I asked some girlfriends, “What should a wife stop doing if she wants to improve her marriage?” This list is based on their responses.

1. Stop thinking that your way is the “right” way.

If he does something differently, it does not mean that it’s wrong. When a wife insists on having her own way, she is in essence saying, “I have to be in control.”

2. Don’t put others before your husband.

God designed companionship in marriage so that a husband and wife can meet one another’s need for a close, intimate, human relationship. He even said in Genesis 2:18, “It is not good that the man should be alone.”

So what happens when you put your mother, a friend, or even a child before your spouse? Actually, you take a step (often unintentional) toward isolation in your marriage. If you choose, for example, to spend an afternoon shopping with your mom when your husband asked you to watch a football game with him, you may leave hubby feeling that he has second place in your heart.

3. Don’t expect your husband to be your girlfriend.

Most men and women not only look different physically, but also have unique ways of processing life. One example of this is the need for conversation. I don’t know about you, but sometimes I’m guilty of wearing out my husband with countless conversational details that he doesn’t really care about. Now if he were a girlfriend, all of those details would definitely matter!

4. Don’t dishonor your husband.

Suggestions included: Stop all nagging and don’t correct hubby in front of others. If you finish your husband’s sentences, you may be unintentionally communicating, “I don’t really care about what you have to say.”

5. Stop expecting your husband to fail you as your dad failed your mom.

“I spent many years waiting for my husband to give up and walk out on me, like my dad had years earlier,” said one friend. Her unfounded fears had robbed her marriage of much joy.

6. Don’t put your husband on the defensive.

For example, if you are driving around a section of town looking for a restaurant and he’s obviously lost, does it really help for you to tell him that he’s been going around the same block for the fifth time? One wise wife said that she’s learned to be quiet in situations like this. Now, before she makes a comment, she weighs her words—asking herself: “Are my words needed? Would they be encouraging?” Proverbs 10:19 says, “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.”

7. Never use sex to bargain with your husband.

Some women intentionally or unintentionally say to their husbands, “When I get what I want, you get sex.” However, 1 Corinthians 7:4-5 reminds husbands and wives that their bodies are not their own. “Do not deprive one another …”

8. Stop reminding your husband about things over and over.

Don’t make him feel guilty or nitpick him about small stuff. One friend said that when we constantly remind our husbands about diet, weight, medication, picking up the dry cleaning, etc., we are actually acting more like his mother than his wife.

9. Don’t make your husband earn your respect.

Many women think, I’ll respect him when he earns it. But there’s a reason that Ephesians 5:33 says, “Let the wife see that she respects her husband.” As one friend said: “If women could learn to understand that respect is a man’s native tongue, that it absolutely heals his heart and ministers to him like nothing else, it would make the biggest difference in the world.”

365 devotions for your marriage on the days you feel like it (and ones you don’t).

10. Stop giving your husband your long term to-do list.

A colleague warns against overwhelming your husband with too much information. You may unintentionally cause him to feel like a failure, thinking that your long list means you are discontent. Or, he may incorrectly assume that you want him to do something immediately.

11. Don’t act like your spouse is a mind reader.

Instead, be specific about your requests. One busy mom said that she used to feel overwhelmed with household chores, wishing her spouse would help her. She now realizes that the only way he knows her needs is when she tells him. “Most often,” she says, “when I simply say, ‘Honey, will you tuck the kids in tonight while I get the kitchen cleaned up,’ he is glad to help.” She’s discovered that a few words are all it takes “to change a resentment-filled, stressed-out night into a team-effort bonding time.”

12. Stop putting housework ahead of hubby.

One young mom told her husband that she didn’t want to make love one night because she had just changed the sheets and she wanted them to stay clean. What do you think that response said to her husband? Another woman, who puts her husband ahead of the housework, said: “Do not leave the unfolded laundry on your marriage bed.”

13. Put an end to taking the lead because you think he won’t take it.

“The first many years of our marriage,” one wife said, “I would see what needed to be done and get frustrated that my husband would not take charge and get it done.” She went on to say that she’s changed by learning to wait on her husband’s leadership. “I really believe,” she says, “that our men don’t lead because we women are too quick to jump in and take care of it all.”

Ephesians 5:23 says, “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body … .”

14. Do not expect your husband to be Prince Charming.

After all, the perfect husband only exists in fairy tales and your marriage exists in real life. One young wife said that instead of focusing on her husband’s shortcomings, she’s learned to recognize the wonderful things about him. What’s been the result? He’s been encouraged to do even more to be the man of her dreams.

15. Never look first to a self-help book, a plan, or a person to fix a problem in your marriage.

Instead go to God’s Word and believe and act on the things that He says. “He will lead me to any resources I need,” one woman said. “God has already given us everything we need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3) but we have to live according to the promises and expect Him to show up for us.”

The Bible paraphrase The Message, says in 1 Corinthians 13, “Love never gives up … isn’t always ‘me first,’ … doesn’t keep score of the sins of others … trusts God always, always looks for the best.”

What do your words and actions say to your sweetheart about your love? Do you need to stop doing something in your marriage?

Before you answer, think it o-o-ver.

Growing up with my stepdad and younger brother I thought I knew a thing or two about men. While I knew not to change the channel during a football game, not to serve quiche for dinner, and not to attempt to fix a broken doorknob with a rubber band, there were a few important things I missed—things that would have helped me prepare for marriage and be a better wife.

Here is my list:

1. Men can’t read your mind. If you “hint” at wanting help, men will not get it. “I wish I was taller so I could reach that canister” sounds like a simple statement. Asking sweetly works much better. Say something like, “Honey, when you have a minute can you reach that canister for me?”

2. Men don’t like to be rushed with new problems as soon as they walk in the front door. Providing time to unwind works much better. Let the worries of your husband’s workday dissipate before you tell him about new ones.

3. Men often feel like they’re failing as a spiritual leader. Ever wonder why your spouse doesn’t take the initiative on spiritual ventures more often? Sometimes it’s easier for him not to try than to see disappointment in your gaze. Instead of “hinting” at ways he can lead or nagging when another day goes by without quiet time, pray for your husband to step up, and support any effort he makes.

4. Men are visual. Very visual. Even when we women feel unattractive or overweight, our husbands do like to look at us minus the clothing. They don’t mind nearly as much as we do about the extra rolls around the middle, I promise. Remember this: You are the only naked woman your husband is allowed to look at!

5. Men like someone to listen to their dreams. It doesn’t mean they’re going to go out and quit their jobs tomorrow and set off on a sailboat around the world, but a listening ear matters. Take time to ask, “If you could do anything, what would you do?” Give him space to dream.

6. Men are born with a desire to protect the weak and fight for honor, but those instincts rarely have a chance to exhibit themselves in the real world. We don’t have to hide our faults or be perfect wives. Instead we can turn to our men for help and advice. We can give our husbands a chance to save the day.

7. A good meal and a warm wife can wash away every other care in the world. I don’t think there’s much more I need to say about that. Try it, I bet your husband will agree!

Think back to a time when it was downright fun to spend time with your man. How did you enjoy one another back when you were dating?

You didn’t fold your arms, tap your foot, and say, “Okay, I’m here. Now make me happy.” No, more than likely, you planned to have a good time simply because you were happy to be together with your love.

With all the distractions life throws at you each day, you have to decide daily to enjoy your spouse. And when you determine each day to celebrate the time you spend with your husband, you have taken an important step toward making your marriage a delight.

I remember a brief conversation my parents had when I was 17 years old. My father, who had the day off and was working in the garage, came into the house and said to my mother, “Hey, I need to run to the store to buy a ladder. Wanna come?” Without even looking up from washing the dishes, my mom replied, “Why would I want to go with you to buy a ladder? That’s not fun.”

I watched my dad’s face fall and shoulders shrug as he walked back out to the garage. My mom was completely oblivious to how her response had dashed my father’s hopes for a fun trip to the store. However, the incident made an indelible impression on me.

When you are looking for ways to enjoy your husband, even running the simplest of errands together can provide an opportunity for some fun. When our kids were young, Steve and I would wait until the little ones had gone to bed, and then leaving them in the care of their older sister, we would sneak off to a 24-hour home improvement store. Steve was doing yet another remodel of our home, so there were frequent purchases to be made. This meant we had little money to spend on dates and less time than usual for Steve to devote me.

So I had a choice to make. I could have insisted Steve do all the shopping himself and complained that he never had money or time to spend with me. Or I could go with him to the home improvement store and find ways to enjoy an otherwise arduous task. Remembering how my mother missed an opportunity to have fun with my dad, I chose to go with Steve.

Even now I am smiling as I remember those late-night runs. We were surprised to discover the store played some pretty amazing music late at night. Steve and I actually danced in the aisles when our favorite ‘70s songs played.

When momma ain’t happy

No matter how much you try to plan time to enjoy one another, I know there are seasons in marriage when there is so much work to do that it seems impossible to make time for each other.

When our children were young, there were days when I was simply exhausted. Our youngest daughter, Kayla, was plagued with ear infections that would inevitably flare up in the middle of the night. And after staying up through the night to comfort her, I could not go back to bed because our 2-year-old son would wake up and need my attention. Have you had similar experiences?

I remember how difficult those days of raising little ones were. I recall how Steve would attempt to bring a jovial atmosphere into our home only to have one of the kids spill their milk at the table, causing more work for me, as I so rudely chided. Even as my harsh words were leaving my lips, I would immediately regret them. My poor husband didn’t stand a chance with my hormonally imbalanced, sleep-deprived disposition.

Are you the mom of little ones? Or maybe you have teenagers in your home who are skilled at working Mom and Dad into an argument so they can get their way. Raising kids is both hard and wonderful—exhausting and exhilarating.

In my own experience, when I allowed my circumstances to dictate my joy, my family was destined to ride with me on the roller coaster of my emotions. I did not become a joyful wife and mom until I learned the importance of spending time in prayer and daily Bible study. In other words, I needed to look to God. I could not expect Steve to give me a life free from difficulty so I would be happy. I could not ask him to do for me what only God can do.

True joy

The only way you can experience true joy—no matter what your circumstances—is by pursuing intimacy with Christ on a daily basis. As you determine to seek joy in your relationship with Him, you will discover that your happiness comes not from how well your day turns out, but from Jesus Himself.

As a young mom, when I determined to be daily cleansed by “the washing of water by the word” (Ephesians 5:26), I came to know a deep, abiding joy within my heart—regardless of how the day unfolded. When you determine to know Christ through the pages of Scripture, then God’s peace, wisdom, and joy will spill out of your life and into your home.

You may be tempted to believe you are too busy to practice the spiritual disciplines required to be a happy wife. Don’t fall for that kind of thinking—don’t allow the urgent to take priority over the essential.

While kids and their needs often present a sort of urgency, what they really need is a mom filled with God’s wisdom and joy. Take this advice from an older woman: The season during which your kids need you will be over before you know it. Your husband, by contrast, needs you for a lifetime. Devote yourself to becoming a happy wife, and you will build a marriage both you and your husband will enjoy for the rest of your lives.

On FamilyLife Today^®, Rhonda Stoppe shares what she learned the hard way: A happy marriage doesn’t stem from how well our husbands meet our expectations, but how well we know God.

We were praying for someone who was cheating on his wife. And I was struck by what one person said in his prayer: “Lord, work in his heart so that he will think less about the pleasure he is experiencing and more about the pain he is causing.”

That seemed quite appropriate to me. A spouse who is caught up in adultery is living only for the moment, caught up in a fantasy of excitement and desire, and ignoring the very real consequences.

Is your love for real? Find out in Bob Lepine's new book, Love Like You Mean It.

Recently a seminary paper came across my desk titled “100 Consequences of Adultery,” written by Philip Jay, a student at Phoenix Seminary. The list provides a stark wake-up call about the ways infidelity can destroy a life and marriage. Here’s a selection from Jay’s list, presented with his permission:

If I committed adultery…

My relationship with God would suffer from a break in fellowship.
I would need to seek forgiveness from my Lord.
I would suffer from the emotional consequences of guilt.
I would spend countless hours replaying the failure.
My wife would suffer the scars of this abuse more deeply than I could begin to describe.
My wife would spend countless hours in counseling.
My wife’s recovery would be long and painful.
Her pain would grieve me deeply and compound my own suffering and shame.
Our relationship would suffer a break in trust, fellowship, and intimacy.
We would be together, yet feel great loneliness.
The reputation of my family would suffer loss.
My sons would be deeply disappointed and bewildered.
My grandchildren would not understand.
My friends would be disappointed and would question my integrity.
I would lose my job at church.
My witness among neighbors would become worthless.
My witness to my brother would be worthless.
My testimony among my wife’s family would be damaged.
I might never be employed by a church again.
I might never be in men’s ministry leadership.
I would suffer God’s discipline.
Satan would be thrilled at my failure.
Satan would work overtime to be sure my shame never departed.
My wife might divorce me.
My children might never speak to me.
Our mutual friends would shy away from us and break fellowship.
I would bring emotional pain to the woman.
I would bring reproach upon the woman.
If the woman is married, her husband might attempt to bring harm.
He might divorce her.
An unwanted child could be produced.
My part in conception might trigger an abortion, the killing of an innocent child.
Disease might result.
Some might conclude that all Christians are hypocrites.
My business could fail because I couldn’t be trusted.
My leadership among those I have led in the past might also be diminished in impact.
My zeal for ministry would suffer and possibly result in others not continuing in ministry.
My health would suffer.
I might have to start life over again.
This same sin might be visited upon my family for four generations.

It’s a pretty sobering list, isn’t it? What’s even more sobering is that many people will consider these consequences and still proceed in their sin. The fantasy is more important to them than the reality.

Also note that, though the list reflects a man’s perspective, nearly all the consequences would also apply to a wife committing adultery. The biggest benefit of this list may be in helping all of us realize the need to set up strict safeguards to ensure that we are faithful in our marriage commitment. If I am convinced of what adultery would do to me and to my family, I will watch my wandering eyes, guard my thought life, and avoid any situations that could put me in harm’s way.

The fantasy is just not worth it.

Editor’s Note: In 2002, Cindy Beall was a happily married wife to Chris, her husband of nine years. Chris had been on staff with a church in Oklahoma City for only six weeks when he made a confession that would change their lives forever: He had been unfaithful with multiple women over the course of two and a half years, and he was pretty sure one of those women was now pregnant with his child. He also admitted an addiction to pornography.

His complete inability to control his addiction had left Chris utterly broken, humbled, and repentant. Over the course of several weeks and much prayer, Cindy sensed God calling her to stay in her marriage. The following is an excerpt from her book, Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken, which tells the story of how God redeemed their marriage, making it “better than new.”

Every week I receive e-mails from women who ask many questions about getting through infidelity in their marriage. Of all the questions I am asked, one of the most common is, “How did you learn to trust him again?”

And every time I give the same answer: “I am still learning.”

I would love to be able to come up with the perfect algebraic formula that shows exactly how to restore trust. But that isn’t going to happen—not because I barely squeezed out of algebra with a 71 percent, but because trust and forgiveness don’t exist in the land of numbers. They are born of God’s grace, mercy, and healing.

You don’t have to have endured infidelity in your marriage to lose trust. Trust can be broken in many different ways. I am still on my journey of having my trust restored in my husband, but I have learned a few things that I hope you will find helpful.

1. Trust means taking a risk.

My husband works hard to regain my trust, but I still struggle. I wish I could say otherwise, but I’d be lying.

Isn’t that the way it is with all of us? I’ve come to realize that we are all capable of doing things we never imagined we’d do. So trusting a person is a risk. We must learn to trust people, but we must also realize that people will fail us. It’s part of life. But if we place our utmost trust in our heavenly Father, we will never be let down.

There is a mental battle going on inside me as I strive to trust my husband more every day. I engage in this battle on a regular basis, and it can be exhausting. But the more I do it and believe what God has shown me, the easier it becomes.

I stand on the one thing that is trustworthy and never fails. I stand on the Word of God. Praise Him that His words are sharper than any double-edged sword (Hebrews 4:12). There is power in them, and when we claim them, believe in them, stand on them, and trust in them, we will be lifted up. We will find peace.

2. Replace anger with forgiveness.

We’ve all been wounded. I am no stranger to the pain I see in the eyes of so many people. We can try to cover it up and “get over it,” but if we don’t truly forgive, we will be stunted individuals going about our lives and becoming more and more embittered. Forgiveness is essential. It’s also possible.

The Bible doesn’t mince words when it comes to forgiveness. We don’t have to wonder what our heavenly Father thinks about the idea. He’s the author of forgiveness, and we’d do well to follow His commands. Matthew 6:14-15 says, “If you forgive other people when they sin against you, your Father in heaven will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, you Father will not forgive your sins.”

Ouch. That stings a bit, doesn’t it? Especially when you’ve been wounded by someone you’ve loved as unconditionally as possible. It sounds like a cruel joke to expect us to just let it go, doesn’t it?

Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” If you know Jesus as your Lord and Savior, you know that you have a sinful nature. If we don’t recognize that nature, we won’t recognize our need for a Savior. We also need to understand and remember the true meaning of God’s love. “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). If we truly understand God’s forgiveness, can we really withhold our forgiveness from those who have hurt us?

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3. Stop nursing your wounds.

It can become second nature to tend to our wounds with such care that we begin to identify only with the wound and not with a life of healing or restoration. When something reminds us of our pain, we nurse the hurt and then just can’t get past it. It’s almost as if we forget that we, too, need a Savior. We’re so busy saying, “Look at my hurt!” that we forget to give it over to God.

Romans 3:23 says, “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Sure, I haven’t been unfaithful to my husband physically, but I have committed sins, too. And when we sin, we are not just sinning against one person; we are also sinning against our heavenly Father.

I know how hard this is. I am profoundly aware of how badly my flesh wants to throw my husband’s sin back in his face when he gets mad at me for something small. I know how easily I could remind him of his failures and make sure he knows just how picture-perfect my marital resume is. But reacting like that will never bring about forgiveness.

4. Don’t wait until you feel like forgiving.

One of the harder parts of forgiveness is that we don’t always feel like forgiving. The problem is that feelings are often misleading and erratic. I learned a long time ago that you rarely feel your way into positive actions, but you can act your way into better feelings. You may not really want to wake up at five for that morning run, but you do it anyway. Afterward, you are so glad you made the extra effort because you feel good and have more energy. There is great satisfaction in making a choice to do something that your flesh was yelling at you not to do! You acted your way into a feeling.

How to know you’re healing

The results of forgiveness look different for everyone. Some relationships will be mended in spite of betrayal, and some will end because of it. The key, though, is to make sure you are healing from this wound. You don’t want to get a knot in your stomach every time you think about this person, especially if he or she is your spouse.

Here’s one way you can know you have healed from a wound caused by someone else: You cease to feel resentment against your offender. My mentor says, “You know you’ve healed from the hurt that someone else’s actions have caused when you can look back on the situation and it’s just a fact.”

We all make mistakes. We all have done things we regret. We all need forgiveness. And we all need to extend that same forgiveness to others—not just today, but every day.

It’s time to forgive.

Listen to Chris and Cindy tell their story on a FamilyLife Today® broadcast.

Among my precious childhood memories are the family picnics held every summer. I played all kinds of games with my cousins, including the three-legged race, which was everyone’s favorite. Moms, dads, aunts, uncles, and grandparents gathered around to watch all of the children pair off.

To make the game more interesting, partners were tied together so one faced backward and the other forward. The starter gave the signal, and what happened next is best described as chaos. Everyone would cheer as the forward-facing participants would half drag, half carry their backward-facing teammates toward the finish line. There were always plenty of grass-stained knees, piercing screams, and roars of laughter.

But occasionally we ran the race in a different way. Instead of facing opposite directions, each pair faced in the same direction. Even when facing the same direction, the three-legged race was difficult, but at least partners could work together. Locked arm in arm and stepping in unison, they made rapid progress toward the finish line. They might still stumble and fall, but they always got there faster and more efficiently.

Marriage is a lot like the three-legged race. You can run it facing in the same direction and try to stay in step with your partner, or you can run in totally different directions and stumble and fall. You can build oneness in your marriage relationship, or you can move toward isolation.

Here are three ways you can move toward oneness:

1. Make plans to get away to dream, plan, refresh, and refuel. Do you remember the McDonald’s slogan that went, “You deserve a break today”?

By tweaking that a little, I can give every couple a message worth remembering: “Your marriage deserves a break today!”

How long has it been since you spent extended, focused time with your mate? Not just an evening at a fantastic eatery, but a couple of days away from your usual environment to catch up with each other? In too many marriages, the demands of the ordinary grind seem to overwhelm the possibility of extraordinary excitement.

Because of our fast-paced culture, we need to pause once or twice a year to rest, count our blessings, and dream some dreams. When our kids were still at home, Barbara and I would regularly take what we called planning weekends, an opportunity to evaluate our marriage and parenting and, if necessary, redirect plans.

Even though our kids are grown now, we still make it a point to get away together on a regular basis. The getaway is effective in keeping our communication current, and it’s just plain fun. Without any of the everyday distractions, we can concentrate on romancing each other. I can give Barbara flowers and speak tender words. She can give me undivided attention as I unwind and share from the heart. We can stay up munching snacks, listening to music, or talking and not have to get up in the morning to meet a demanding schedule.

2. Focus on pleasing your spouse. Pleasing your mate is a command of Scripture. Romans 15:1-3 reads: “Now we who are strong ought to bear the weaknesses of those without strength and not just please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to his edification. For even Christ did not please Himself.” There are three key phrases here.

First, we should “not just please ourselves.” God has not put us here merely to satisfy our own wants and needs. But in narcissistic America, we’re being bombarded daily with advertising that entices us to satisfy ourselves.

Second, “Let each of us please his neighbor for his good.” Who is your closest neighbor? Your spouse. So you are to please your spouse for his or her particular good.

Finally, consider the phrase, “For even Christ did not please Himself.” What did Christ seek to do? He gave Himself up and died so that we might live!

The purpose of Christ’s giving Himself up is found in the little phrase, “to his edification.” This is the concept of building another’s self-esteem. Biblically speaking, edification means to build one another up, to let the Word of God dwell in another person’s life so that he or she can become a complete person. Pleasing your mate defeats selfishness.

In Philippians 2:3-4, we read: “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.”

I am convinced that great marriages and great families are rooted in self-denial. In a truly biblical, Christian marriage, both people are willing to give up their lives for one another in order to love each other properly. What but the love of your mate would make you give up your favorite sport or recreation?

I remember one Saturday during the early years of our marriage, I looked in the rearview mirror of the car as I pulled out to go fishing with several of our children. Barbara was standing on the porch, left with a couple of kids in diapers while I went off to the lake with the older kids to have a good time.

While I was sitting out in that boat, not catching anything, I continued to think about Barbara. You know, I am pleasing myself, but I have not done a good job of pleasing her. I realized I needed to give up some of my hobbies for a while in order to please her and reduce her burden. But you know what happened? Once the youngest kids grew older and Barbara’s burden began to lift, she began to encourage me to fish and hunt with the children. When I left the house on one of these trips, I would look in the rearview mirror and see her on that same porch, waving good-bye with a smile.

3. Make forgiveness a non-negotiable in your relationship. Over the years I’ve admitted to just about everyone in our family that I’ve been wrong on many occasions, and of course Barbara has heard me say it more than anyone. It’s liberating to admit you’re wrong, and it’s even more liberating when the other person forgives you.

You can’t improve on the way Paul put it when he said, “Be gentle and ready to forgive; never hold grudges. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.”(Colossians 3:13, Living Bible). To practice this advice means oneness; to ignore it means isolation.

The first step is the hardest—admit you’re wrong and ask forgiveness. Both sexes can have trouble with this one, but in marriages I’ve seen or worked with, the edge goes to the men. The celebrated “male ego” is all too real and it’s just hard for us husbands to say, “I was wrong, I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?”

During the first years of our marriage, I struggled to admit I was wrong. When I did I would often say, “If I was wrong when I did this, I’m sorry.” I would admit there was a remote possibility I could have been wrong, but all-out confession was out of the question.

After all, it seemed to me that there were really few times when I was totally wrong. Asking forgiveness when you’re 100 percent wrong is one thing, but what about the times when you’re 60 percent right and only 40 percent wrong? During the first years of our marriage, the 60/40 situations seemed to come up regularly and I seldom wanted to admit that I was wrong.

My attitude was childish, of course, but I couldn’t see it then. It’s amazing how many spouses behave like little kids who try to weasel out after getting caught with their hands in the cookie jar.

At one of our Weekend to Remember® getaways, a man boasted to me saying, “You know, I’ve been married for 24 years and I’ve never once apologized to my wife for anything I’ve done wrong.”

“Oh, really?” I said, with a tone that urged him to tell me more.

“Yeah,” he said with obvious pride. “Every time we get into a squabble or any kind of disagreement, I just tell her, ‘I’m sorry you’re mad at me.’ I don’t admit anything—I just tell her it’s too bad she had to get so mad.”

Then, with a grin he admitted, “And all these years she’s never realized that I have never once apologized.”

I tactfully attempted to explain to this husband that he was dead wrong. Unfortunately, he wouldn’t listen. He went on his way quite sure he was a very clever fellow, but I wonder if he really sleeps that well.

As difficult as it is to ask for forgiveness, it’s equally hard to grant forgiveness when you have been wronged. If you can’t forgive until your spouse asks you for forgiveness, your conflict may go on far longer than either of you want it to.

I often advise married couples to take out a joint membership in the “Seventy Times Seven Club.” Christ formed that club when Peter asked him how many times we are to forgive one another. Peter wondered if seven times would be enough. Christ answered, “No—seventy times seven!” (Matthew 18:22).

In other words, forgive an infinite number of times, not just when you feel like it. By an act of your will, you must put away resentment and the desire to punish the person who has wronged you.

You can tell if you have forgiven your mate by asking one question: “Have I given up my desire to punish my mate?” When you lay that desire aside, let it go, and no longer seek revenge, you free your spouse, and yourself, from the bonds of your anger.

And you take one more step toward strengthening the oneness in your marriage.

“If we reach the family, we reach the world.” – Bill Bright

Impossible. That’s what many say about the state of the family. With about half of all marriages ending in divorce and more than 18 million American children growing up in single-parent homes, what can one couple do?

Plenty.

Just ask Derrick and Maria Purcell … or Rodger and Gloria Henn. These two couples share a common passion: building strong godly families. They are HomeBuilders.

Derrick and Maria

When the Purcells married, they had thought that harmony would reign in their home since they were both Christians. Instead they had a rocky relationship.

Maria says that Derrick had the “I am the king of this house and you will serve me” attitude. Maria, on the other hand, had been a single mom raising three girls alone. “I wanted to be queen of the house,” she says, “and felt like my king should serve me.”

Needless to say, the Purcells’ blended marriage did not begin well. After four years of a very weak marriage, Maria heard a radio advertisement for a Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway. She and Derrick agreed to give it a try.

Derrick told her, “Now you will see that I am right and you are wrong.” While Maria thought, “Now Derrick will see that he’s the reason our marriage isn’t working.”

The conference was an eye-opener for the Purcells. They learned that they were each other’s gift from God and that the Lord needed to be at the center of their relationship. But they were afraid that their marriage would revert to old patterns when they returned home.

That’s why they decided to lead a small-group Bible study using FamilyLife’s HomeBuilders Couples Series®. They hoped it would not only strengthen their marriage, but also help them meet other couples. And besides that, as Maria says, “It was fun!”

Derrick and Maria have led multiple HomeBuilders groups since their first Weekend to Remember. They have also brought many couples to the marriage getaway. When they see couples attend the getaway, they think of marriages becoming stronger and healthier. “It did that for our marriage,” Maria says.

Now the Purcells are church plan leaders for the Weekend to Remember in the Maryland/District of Columbia area. “We are excited,” Maria says, “because we have a great team of couples who we encourage.” And their efforts result in changed lives. “Each marriage is being affected, changed, being made healthier and stronger through a Weekend to Remember.”

The Purcells believe that God connected them to FamilyLife and say they will be “just volunteers forever.” They enjoy telling others about FamilyLife resources: the books and anything that FamilyLife offers.

Maria says that she and Derrick have learned to do marriage God’s way. “And we are sharing what we’ve learned with everyone we meet!”

Rodger and Gloria

The Henns were married for 14 years when they went to their first Weekend to Remember. They wanted to make their good marriage even better. They loved the marriage getaway and checked a small box on the evaluation form indicating that they wanted to become FamilyLife volunteers.

They began leading a HomeBuilders Couples Series small group. Eventually they were training HomeBuilders leaders not only in the Cincinnati area, but also in Russia and St. John Island. They currently are the ministry directors for the Cincinnati and Dayton marriage getaways.

In their desire to help even more couples, the Henns often travel to various Weekend to Remember getaways across the nation. Rodger serves as an associate planner, working alongside the FamilyLife senior event planner, and Gloria is responsible for setting up and managing the on-site resource center.

Rodger says he’s really “pumped” when he volunteers at a Weekend to Remember. He and Gloria are both encouraged as they see lives changed. They consider themselves to be “roadies” for FamilyLife … or any other ministry that’s going to strengthen families and point them to God’s help.

Gloria says that her purpose in life is to share God’s love. “If I can’t even show my spouse the love of Christ, I have fallen short.” She thinks that often the missing part in a couple’s relationship is Christ. She wants her legacy to be that she didn’t live a selfish life—that she shared what God has shown her personally and in her marriage.

The Henns are excited about FamilyLife resources such as The Art of Marriage™ (a six-hour video event). They believe that it will help couples reach out to people in their communities. “We’ve got to get back to teaching couples when they get married how to have better tools to help them in their marriage,” Rodger says.

Gloria compares FamilyLife resources to driver’s education. What does a couple do when their tires hit potholes in marriage? How do they navigate the sometimes curvy roads of life? When do couples turn left, and when do they turn right? “It [FamilyLife resources] is a training that is so needed, but there hasn’t been anything out there to train people.”

Derrick and Maria Purcell and Rodger and Gloria Henn are willing helpers. God is working mightily through them. These HomeBuilders are helping change the world … one home … one marriage … one family at a time.

Read more remarkable stories of changed lives and legacies.

What if your teenager asked you one day, “What can I do to help?”

Probably two things would happen.

First, you’d be stunned and shocked at the collapse of everything you know to be true in this world: Did those words actually come from my child’s mouth?

Second, you’d probably wonder what angle your child is trying to play: What does he want from me?

OK, perhaps that scenario seems impossible … so let’s bring this into the realm of marriage. What if your spouse asked you, “What can I do to help?”

What if you both adopted this type of servant attitude on a regular basis? What impact would that have on your marriage?

Before I go too far, I need to credit Andy Stanley, pastor of North Point Community Church in Alpharetta, Georgia, for the thoughts in this column. Recently my wife, Merry, and I attended a Catalyst One Day conference on leadership, and in one of Stanley’s messages he challenged us to begin asking this same question to the people who report to us: “What can I do to help?” When a leader seeks to serve, it can revolutionize the culture of a church, an organization, a company.

Then, as we were driving home, we listened to a recent sermon where Stanley applied this same theme to family relationships. He started by discussing Ephesians 5:21, which states that one of the fruits of being filled with the Spirit is “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

This attitude of submitting to one another “should be the hallmark, the driving force behind Christian families,” Stanley says. Each person in the family is committed to “leverage my assets, my time, and my power for your benefit.”

We do this “out of reverence for Christ.” This is the Christ who set the example of submitting His desires and will in order to serve us and to fulfill God’s will. This is the Christ who “came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Matthew 20:28).

Think about that for a moment. Jesus, the Son of God, did not come to earth so that people could serve Him. Instead, he came to serve others.

An overall attitude of selflessness

This attitude of submission detailed in Ephesians 5:21 sets a clear context for the familiar verses that follow:

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (Ephesians 5:22-25)

This is undoubtedly one of the most difficult and misunderstood passages of the Bible. But notice how the theme of “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ” runs through it. Wives submit to their husbands as the church does to Christ. And husbands, given the responsibility to lead in a marriage, are to love their wives “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

We each have different roles in marriage, but as we work out these roles the overall attitude is one of selflessness—of regarding others as more important than ourselves, just as Christ did for us (Philippians 2:1-11).

That’s why I like this question, “What can I do to help?” It’s a very practical way to reach out and meet the needs of your spouse.

To some of you, the thought of asking that question may seem a bit scary. You don’t know how your spouse will answer. Or you realize that helping your spouse may mean sacrifice on your part. Setting aside your agenda so that you can meet your spouse’s needs.

I learned this lesson a few years ago when Merry and our daughter, Bethany, returned home from shopping. They had purchased some new drapes for our dining room, but I was doing something else (probably something really important, like watching a football game on television), and I figured I would hang the drapes some other time when I felt like it. Perhaps the next weekend.

Then Bethany approached me and said, “You know, Mom is really excited about these drapes. Don’t you think you could go ahead and put them up tonight? It would mean a lot to her.” Somehow her words pierced my fog of selfishness and moved me to action. I realized I needed to help and bless my wife.

We face choices like these on a daily basis. Am I going to plan my time around my needs, or around the needs of others? Am I going to serve others or try to force them to serve me?

Imagine what would happen in your marriage if you asked, regularly, “What can I do to help?”

And then imagine the example it would set for your children. It might even rub off on your teenagers.

As one of our Weekend to Remember® marriage getaways drew to a close, one husband slipped me a letter. It summed up so clearly the despair many couples feel as they become isolated from each other over years of marriage:

We have both been born again Christians for many years. But despite an unbelievable amount of knowledge about marriage, we arrived at the conference with lots of scar tissue from emotional and spiritual warfare. The Lord has blessed both of us as individuals, but we have never grown as a couple spiritually. We have read books about marriage, attended other types of marriage conferences, and had numerous Christian marriage counselors without any lasting or meaningful progress.

At the getaway, however, this husband made a profound discovery: God has a plan that offers hope in marriage. He found the hope that comes when husband and wife commit to build their marriage off the same set of divine blueprints. No matter how far a couple has traveled down the road to isolation, they can still start on a road that leads to a “Oneness Marriage.” As he said at the end of the letter, “We are leaving with the hope of Christ renewed in our relationship.”

A Oneness Marriage is a husband and wife who are crafting intimacy, trust, and understanding with one another. It’s a couple who is chiseling out a common direction, common purpose, and common plan for their lives. A Oneness Marriage demands a lifetime process of relying on God and forging an enduring relationship according to His design. It’s more than a mere mingling of two humans—it’s a tender merger of body, soul, and spirit.

There are three foundational components of a Oneness Marriage. King Solomon spoke of the mortar that holds a marriage together in Proverbs 24:3-4: “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.”

A Oneness Marriage needs wisdom.

Wisdom is skill in everyday living. It means that we respond to circumstances according to God’s design. A wise home builder recognizes God as the architect and builder of marriages. As we ask God for wisdom and search the Scriptures, He supplies the skill to build our homes.

King David warns, “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it” (Psalm 127:1). For many, the architect and builder of their marriage is “self”—it’s no wonder so many marriages fail.

A Oneness Marriage needs understanding.

Understanding means responding to life’s circumstances with insight—a perspective that looks at life through God’s eyes. Understanding your mate from God’s perspective results in acceptance of your differences and beginning to learn how God uses your mate to complement you. Understanding produces compassion for your partner. It will give you insight to lead wisely or to follow prudently.

A handsome couple in their 30s recently shared with me how they finally understood how their differences complemented one another. The husband explained, “My wife is a prosecuting attorney. I felt like she prosecuted from 8 to 5 and persecuted me from 5 to 8.

“In the year and half we have been married, I have found out she is a strong woman. I had hoped I could pressure her to change—if I persevered, I might be able to beat her down. But I have finally understood that I don’t have to compete with her. I can let her be who she is, and not feel insecure about who I am.”

A Oneness Marriage needs knowledge.

Today we are an informational culture. We worship information. But information without application is an empty deity.

The point here is that Solomon is talking about “a knowledge that fills homes with precious and pleasant riches.” It’s more than mere information—it’s a knowledge that results in convictions and application. It’s a true teachable spirit that applies God’s blueprints amidst the raw reality of life.

In order to apply what we’ve learned to our marriage, many of us need accountability. We need someone who will break through the fences we build and our crowded loneliness and ask us if we are applying what we’re learning in our marriages.

At our Weekend to Remember getaways we encourage people to use both their spouses and their friends for that accountability. Many people have found that going through FamilyLife’s The Art of Marriage® Connect Series with a small group can help them apply biblical truth to their lives. It is here in these small groups where they find the accountability they need.

One woman wrote to tell us of how a small group had been instrumental in rebuilding a relationship she thought was “forever torn apart.” She and her husband were divorced after nearly 30 years of marriage. “Our life together had become practically non-existent,” she wrote. “We no longer communicated unless it was to growl at one another. I hardened my heart toward him and he closed his mind toward me.”

Trying to escape all the pain and memories, the woman moved to a new city. She also began attending a church where she gave her heart to Christ. Then she participated in a study, and “For the first time in 30 years I was able to understand what was missing from our marriage. We did not have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.”

Through the study, the woman read the Bible and understood it in a way she had never experienced before. After she wrote to her husband to tell him what she was learning, he immediately called her and they talked for the first time about what God wanted to do in their marriage.

The next week he flew out and attended one of the sessions with her. They read the Bible together and answered as many questions in the study material as they could. That weekend they put their lives in the hands of Jesus Christ, and when he asked her to remarry him, she said, “Yes!”

Isolation can be defeated. Its disease can be cured if you are willing to make the right choices and then put the necessary effort into building oneness and lifelong intimacy with each other. As writer Brian Moorehead put it, “Love isn’t an act, it is a whole life. It’s staying with her now because she needs you. It’s knowing you and she will still care about each other when sex and daydreams, fights and futures are all on the shelf and done with… It’s when you’re 75 and she’s 71, each of you listening for the other’s footsteps in the next room, each afraid that sudden silence, a sudden cry could mean a lifetime’s talk is over.”

A Oneness Marriage knows this kind of love—the kind that lasts until death bids you to part.

One year in the sixth grade Sunday school class I taught, I divided the students into three groups to compete in putting together a jigsaw puzzle. As the 12-year-olds scattered in three circles on the floor, I explained that there was only one rule in our competition: to put together a 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle without talking. In front of each of the three groups the contents of identical puzzles depicting a New England fall scene would be poured out on the floor. I warned them again that they could not talk.

The contents of one puzzle were deposited on the floor and group one immediately went to work. They promptly set up the box top which had a picture of the puzzle they were putting together.

I briskly moved on to the second group, dumped the puzzle on the floor, and quickly gave them a box top with a picture to put the puzzle together. They didn’t know at this point that the box top was that of another puzzle; they had been given the wrong lid.

The third group was impatient as I approached. The kids gathered around the pile of jigsaw pieces only to find they had not been given a box top or any picture at all—they had nothing to use as a guide. As they started to scream in protest, I reminded them there was to be no talking!

What followed was fascinating.

Group one was somewhat frustrated by the assignment, but made steady progress. The kids were motivated as the outline of the picture began to emerge.

The second group knew something was wrong; but since the kids couldn’t talk, their frustration level soared.

One of the boys waved his hand in the air like he was about to burst. I gave in and allowed him to whisper in my ear. “Mr. Rainey,” he quietly muttered in exasperation, “You gave us the wrong picture—the wrong lid—it’s just not fair!” I smiled, patted him on his shoulder and said, “Shhh, no talking.” As I turned to walk away, others in the group who had come to a similar conclusion looked up at me with frustrated and pleading eyes, wondering what they should do. The puzzle wasn’t coming together.

But it was group three that got my attention. Because they had no agreed-upon picture to piece their puzzle together by, they were all just doing their own thing. There was no teamwork. No progress. Only random searching for two pieces to fit. The entire group was unmotivated—listless.

A pair of boys were bored with the puzzle and were launching the puzzle pieces like miniature Frisbees across the room. Others were lying down with their eyes closed. They were hopeless. They had no plan to bring order to the chaos of all the pieces.

Am I a cruel teacher? No, there was a point that I made that day.

Competing blueprints

Life, marriages, and families are like the pieces of a puzzle. The pieces are all there for us, but something is needed to help us bring order out of confusion. We need a picture or blueprint if we are to fit our lives, marriages, and families together in a purposeful design.

The fact that we are followers of Christ does not mean that we automatically live our lives according to the correct box top. There are a lot of competing blueprints and pictures out there vying for your commitment and mine.

Unfortunately, some Christians never stop to evaluate the picture they are building. Many give in to the temptation to just increase the speed at which they jam the pieces of life together. We rush through life getting married, raising kids, and assembling our “picture” of success only to find at the end of our lives that the model we were building from was flawed—a counterfeit image of life.

For still others, success is measured either in the size of the puzzle or the number of pieces, not in the value of the picture they are composing. Order is sacrificed for quantity—and the result is discord and disarray, isolation and loneliness. And a picture that never quite comes together.

Consider for a moment what you are building:

Are you building your life, your marriage, and your family off the right box top?

What is your home beginning to look like?

What about your life? Where have you been spiritually for the past year? Growing? Maintaining? Has spiritual atrophy set it?

Maybe you are just bored with life. The pieces of job and career just don’t bring the challenge they used to. Adding more pieces to your puzzle by making more money has lost its appeal. Possibly you’re just burned out on this puzzle called life. Perhaps you need a jolt—a fresh reminder of what relationships should look like. A clear focus on priorities that count.

Don’t labor in vain

You need to make certain your box top is the right one. If it isn’t the Bible, then you’re headed for chaos. As much as it depends upon you, encourage your spouse to build your home off the same biblical blueprint.

According to Psalm 127:1, you can always tell who built the house on the basis of what it looks like. “Unless the Lord builds the house,” it says, “those who build it labor in vain.” Every home, when it is finished, will be a reflection of its maker.

Work on a few pieces at a time. Make the Scriptures a part of your life. Ask God where you need to become obedient to His Word. Start with the borders of your life—the parameters—the limits defined by your priorities. Then begin filling it in—one piece at a time. Life is like the toughest jigsaw puzzle: The more you start to see the picture emerge, the more you have hope that this thing can be done!

Don’t quit. I’m reminded of one of my favorite quotes by C.H. Spurgeon, “By perseverance the snail reached the ark.”

So, my fellow struggler, don’t give up. Don’t trash the contents of life just because it isn’t coming together immediately. And don’t forget who holds the picture, the plan, and the purpose for your life.

He holds the picture—you and I must be faithful with all the pieces.

Recently I received a message from one of my daughters-in-law that I’ll long remember:

Wow—in the last 30 minutes with all kids home, we’ve addressed tattle-telling, being patient while waiting to speak, not competing with each other, and loving others like God loved us. At least Ashley (name changed to protect the guilty) can diagnose her problem. When I asked her who she cares about, she honestly and happily admitted, “I care about Ashley.”

I couldn’t help but smile when I first read our little granddaughter’s response to her mom: “I care about Ashley.” But the more I thought about it, the more I recognized the overarching truth of her words: Ashley’s a little sinner, and so am I.

We are all born with a selfish nature. We want what we want, and we want it now.

Have it your way

Marketers know this. Just look at the advertisements that bombard us daily: Have it your way. You deserve it. It’s all about you … We are encouraged to fulfill all our desires. Thoughts that begin with, I deserve my hamburger to be exactly like I want it, can quickly grow into a belief that I am the sun and you are the earth revolving around my every whim.

And what happens when I buy into what the world says about my marriage? Today people view marriage as a means to personal happiness and fulfillment. Often my actions say to my spouse, “I deserve marriage my way. You should make me happy. Our marriage is all about me. You do your part and I’ll do mine.”

I’ve been guilty of speaking to my husband and children in a manner that says, “I deserve to express all of my feelings” no matter how I make them feel. I’ve found myself thinking, This is not fair! while doing something I didn’t want to do.

Can you identify?

They failed the test

“The first purpose of marriage,” Gary Thomas says in his book Sacred Marriage, “… is to please God.” It’s not to please ourselves.

This requires selfless living, Thomas explains. Instead of asking “What will make me happy?” he says we should ask, “What will please God?”

The first people to fail the test for selfless living were Adam and Eve. They were created in a perfect world and had intimate fellowship with almighty God. Despite this, they doubted the Lord’s good plan for them.

Noting God’s command not to eat the forbidden fruit, Satan told Eve, “You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil” (Genesis 3:4-5).

Is your love for real? Find out in Bob Lepine's new book, Love Like You Mean It.

Eve listened to Satan’s accusations about God. She wondered. She questioned. Was there indeed something better? Was God holding out on her? Were the words of a serpent more trustworthy than the words of her Creator who had brought her only good?

Eve was at a crossroads in her life. She chose her own way. Genesis 3:6 says, “… she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate.”

Life was changed forever. Sin had entered the world.

“Sin is crouching at the door,” God warned Cain in Genesis 4:7. “Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it.”

And thousands of years later, sin is still crouching at the doors of our hearts and homes. I don’t know about you, but it’s time for me to:

Remind myself, before my feet even touch the floor every morning, that I am in a spiritual battle for my marriage and home. I want to begin asking myself, Who will be at the center of my marriage today—Christ or me? (James 3:15-17)
Remember to intentionally follow the words of Philippians 2:3: “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves” (NASB). One way I can put my husband’s desires ahead of my own, for example, is by watching an entire football game with him instead of reading or surfing the internet.
Recall that I am a sinner, saved by grace (Ephesians 2:8), and so is my spouse. I should always offer my spouse the same unconditional forgiveness that I want him to give me.
Rely on the Lord, and not my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5, Ephesians 5:22). There are times in my marriage when I just have to trust my husband’s God-given leadership, instead of my heartfelt desires.
Review my day based on the words of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a: “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.”

Questions that must be answered

My husband, Jim, and I recently noticed a license plate that said: I AM NO 1.

“Wonder what that means?” Jim said. “Does he think he is Number One, or that he is ‘no one’?”

“Number One or no one?” Now that’s a question worth pondering!

Through my actions and responses, am I saying to my husband, “I am Number One”? Or, am I following Christ’s example and humbling myself? Am I putting my husband’s needs above my own—as though I am “no one”?

If I want to “do marriage” God’s way instead of my way, then these are questions that require answers … every day … every hour … every moment.

Most women, whether they will readily admit it or not, desire to be married. Many young girls have dreamed about the white dress and handsome groom since their earliest childhood. Even those with career or educational goals usually say that some day they would like to be married.

As women mature, those childhood dreams may grow into the desire for genuine affection, companionship, security, and the desire to bear children and to nurture a family. Marriage becomes the primary means for accomplishing her heart’s desires.

The secular world cultivates these desires by vigorous marketing. The world sets the trends for every detail—the wedding-party apparel, the ceremony order, the cake, and even the etiquette requirements for gifts and bill paying. The tourist industry participates by marketing honeymoon packages. Given the influence of secular input, how should the wise woman view the wedding ceremony and the institution of marriage?

“Christians need to examine each aspect of the wedding from a biblical standpoint,” writes N. Wilson in her book, A Beautiful Doorway. “Christians more than all people should understand what a wedding is all about.” What is the purpose of marriage from a biblical perspective? The marriage relationship was the first human institution established by God (Genesis 2:24). This permanent relationship was complete and whole with one man and one woman becoming one flesh. What were God’s intended purposes for marriage? Why is marriage important to God?

Primary Purpose of Marriage

The primary reason marriage is significant to God is because it is part of His ordained plan to provide the world with a picture of His love for men and women. Marriage becomes the means for married couples to demonstrate their love for God. Wilson states: “The wedding ceremony is not an end in itself. In fact, marriage is not an end in itself. Marriage is a means of serving and glorifying God.

Young women who view marriage as their chief goal are turning the wedding and the married state into an idol. God planned for marriage to be a blessed state of mutual service to Him.”
God established marriage as a covenant, not a contract (Malachi 2:14; Proverbs 2:16-17). It is important to understand the difference between these two. Three important differences exist:

A covenant is based on trust between parties. A contract is based on distrust.
A covenant is based on unlimited responsibility. A contract is based on limited liability.
A covenant cannot be broken if new circumstances occur. A contract can be voided by mutual consent.

Therefore, the marriage covenant between a man and a woman is a comprehensive and permanent commitment. This type of marriage covenant was ordained by God to provide believers with a picture of Christ’s love and relationship to His church (Ephesians 5:22-33; Revelation 21:2, 9).

There are few life situations that test true Christianity more than the intimacy of the marriage relationship. Due to the close nature of the marriage relationship, sins of selfishness, pride, laziness, and impatience are readily exposed on a daily basis. The Apostle Paul vividly describes our natural tendencies in 2 Timothy 3:1-13 when he describes us as selfish, arrogant, and unloving.

These tendencies are superimposed on the marriage relationship, thus testing Christian character in the areas of sacrificial love, respect, submission, forgiveness, and perseverance. Living together in unity with her husband requires a woman of wisdom to embrace biblical means of resolving conflict and demonstrating Christian love.

The wise woman understands that as she strives to model Christ’s relationship to His church she will be required to mature her Christian character. She will subsequently encounter opportunities to demonstrate that character in her marriage relationship, which ultimately allows her to fulfill God’s intended purpose for her marriage—the modeling of Christ and His relationship with His bride, the church. Both husbands and wives must pursue love as defined in Ephesians 5:25-30 … a sacrificial, purifying, and steadfast love.

Secondary purposes of marriage

Once the wise woman embraces God’s primary purpose for marriage, she will encounter numerous secondary purposes or blessings of a Christ-honoring relationship. Many women have the tendency to pursue these secondary purposes over God’s primary purpose. While secondary purposes are good and worthy of pursuit, they should be viewed as blessings resulting from God’s primary purpose for marriage—that of modeling Christ’s love for His church through the development of Christian character. Secondary purposes for marriage could include:

Companionship. The affection, love, and true companionship which grow out of a oneness of spirit as each partner models Christ’s unconditional love (Amos 3:3).
Enjoyment. The physical relationship is a reflection of the loyalty and affection shared among marriage partners who have become “one flesh” (Hebrews 13:4).
Fruitfulness. The blessing of children in a marriage relationship allows that relationship to reproduce itself physically. It is an example of the “oneness” that results in a marriage (Genesis 1:28; 1 Peter 3:7).
Protection. The husband protects the wife by laying down his life for her (Ephesians 5:25). The wife is to protect the home (Titus 2:4-5) and the parents together protect their children to raise up a godly seed (Malachi 2:15; Psalm 112:1-2).

When secondary purposes for marriage are placed above the primary purpose, discontentment, fearfulness, and disillusionment often result. For example, the woman who has made the primary purpose of marriage fruitfulness will be devastated and unfulfilled if she is unable to bear children of her own.

A woman who has made companionship or enjoyment her primary purpose of marriage will desire fulfillment through other relationships or outlets if her husband does not fully meet her every need.
The woman who desires security and protection may feel fearful or insecure when finances are constrained and resources limited.

Maintaining a Godly perspective of marriage

Maintaining a godly perspective of the purpose of marriage provides the foundation for a successful marriage relationship. Marriage becomes a spiritual endeavor rather than being dependent on financial status, bearing children, or securing a specific employment. Being able to fulfill God’s intended pattern and purpose for marriage should motivate wise women to develop Christlike character.
My husband made a good point: “God intended for the marriage relationship to be the hallmark of the Christian home. The love relationship between husband and wife should provide the clearest picture of Christ’s love. The model it provides to children, the church, and the world would effectively draw others to the love of Christ.”

I spent a recent weekend looking through old files—deciding what to keep and what to throw away. I’m a bit of a packrat, and for many years I’ve kept old papers in the hope that I might use them again some day. But last weekend I was ruthless—I figured if I haven’t touched it in 20 years, it’s safe to toss it out. Notes from an old college class? Old drafts of an article written in 1990? Gone.

I also came across some keepers, like the medical records from the birth of our daughters, encouraging notes Merry and I have received, and handwritten letters from my grandparents, Pete and Florence Perisich, who have been dead now for many years.

This brief trip down memory lane reminded me of how much my life has changed during my years of marriage. And yet, no matter how much has changed, it seems like I’ve been learning many of the same lessons over and over again.

Merry and I never really had a normal dating relationship during our courtship. I lived in Southern California and she was serving with Campus Crusade for Christ on college campuses in Illinois and Nebraska. We communicated through letters and long late-night phone calls, and saw each other periodically for a week at a time. So when she moved out to California about three months before our wedding, I wasn’t prepared for the adjustment.

I had enjoyed an independent life as a single. If I wanted to drive into Los Angeles or to the beach on a weekend, I’d just do it. I liked spending time alone. With Merry now living only a mile away, I was expected to make her a priority and spend time with her every day.

Our relationship was bumpy during those last few months of our engagement. I remember one afternoon when we went on a picnic with other people from my office, and at the end Merry said I had ignored her the entire time. I was clueless.

But I adjusted. Romans 12:10 tells us, “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor.” I learned I had to be willing for God to cut away a portion of my independence in order to make our relationship work. I needed to set my own desires aside. And once I did that, I realized that what I gave up paled next to the blessings I received in return: A lover and companion who stuck with me despite all my faults … a relationship far deeper than I would have imagined … the security of knowing that someone will always be there for me … and much more.

My pruning didn’t end there, however. When each of our two daughters, Bethany and Missy, were born, I found myself working through the same difficulty. I needed to give away more and more independence because of my parenting responsibilities.

I remember when Bethany was three, and Merry was pregnant with Missy. For much of that pregnancy Merry was house-bound from nausea, and I did nearly everything to keep the family going—all the cooking, shopping, and cleaning. On some days I took Bethany to day care, and on others I came home for two-hour lunches so Merry could rest. (I was fortunate to have an understanding boss.) On Thanksgiving, I cooked a complete traditional meal—and was the only one to eat because Merry was sick and Bethany wasn’t hungry!

At times I would be tempted to grumble … Why can’t I just have some time for myself? I would again make a choice to embrace the life God had given me rather than complain about losing more of my independence. And once I made that choice, I would realize how much better my life was because I was willing to set aside my own desires. What can compare to the look on a little girl’s face when you return home after a day at the office, or the joy of watching that little girl mature into a woman?

It sounds so basic, yet to me choices like these are at the heart of what makes a marriage work. It’s two people giving up something for the better of the whole. That’s what it means to become one.

There was no question about it: The situation was serious. Greg, a 17-year-old junior in high school was found by his mother passed out on his bed after overdosing on his father’s pain medication. He was rushed to the hospital, stabilized, and then admitted to the psychiatric unit for observation. After two days of psychological assessment and prescribed medications, Greg was released with the recommendation that he receive counseling to help deal with his emotional and relational health.

When I met with Greg, he seemed like a normal, emotionally engaged young man who had simply been going through some academic and relational difficulties. We talked through the struggles he was dealing with at present and came up with a treatment plan that I felt would address these issues and hopefully make him more resilient to deal with any problems that might arise. It was a good first session and my prognosis was that Greg simply needed some space to talk about some of his internal stress and develop some new coping strategies.

Then I met with the parents …

Greg’s mother and father were appropriately concerned following the revelation that Greg had been abusing drugs, particularly after his overdose. The more I talked to them, however, the more I became concerned about them. They weren’t just worried about Greg’s emotional health; they were worried about his GPA, his sports performance, his “questionable” relationships, his Christian testimony, his reputation, and his ability to be accepted to the college of his choice. And secretly worried, I think, about how their reputation as parents would be sullied if word got out that Greg had a “drug problem.” While these concerns were legitimate, they didn’t get to the real heart of the issue.

During the next session, I asked Greg about his parents’ marriage. He described it as “fine,” but when asked to elaborate he revealed some important dynamics.

“Are you closer to your mother or father?” I asked. Without hesitation he answered he was closer to his mother.

“Who aggravates you more?” I followed up.

“She does.”

“Do you feel close to your father?”

“No, not really,” he said.

Greg also talked about his general experience at home. “I feel as if I’m under a microscope and that if I don’t perform up to expectations, the whole family will fall apart.”

“Are they good parents?” I asked.

I’ll never forget his answer: “They’re too good! I feel as if it all hinges on me—how the family is doing, what the mood is at the house, and whether we’re going to have a good time or not.”

In Greg’s family, the husband and wife were too devoted to their parenting and not focused enough on their own relationship. Greg’s parents had every right to be concerned. But the key issue besides stabilizing Greg’s behavior had nothing to do directly with him. It had to do with his parents. Our culture is kid-centric. It is hyper-focused on raising great kids. Not average kids, not “C” students, but above-average, excelling children who will somehow validate the family and make every parental sacrifice worthwhile.

The problem with this focus however, is the fact that many times marriages and the relationships between the parents themselves are put on the back burner in the name of being more effective and loving parents. This is usually not a conscious decision, but one that takes place over years of family growth and child development.

Is your love for real? Find out in Bob Lepine's new book, Love Like You Mean It.

Here are four principles that can help balance working on your marriage while attempting to raise children:

Principle #1: The marriage comes first—spousal love covers a multitude of parental sins. Many of my clients, both adult and children, have experienced tremendous anguish because of marital conflict in their past or present home. One of my most distressing times as a therapist was working with a 9-year-old first-born child, who was experiencing debilitating headaches that consumed his life. In tears he would tell me of the emotional pain that his parents’ fighting would cause him; he couldn’t escape the anguish that the conflict between his parents created in him. When I tried to intervene in this boy’s parents’ marriage, his mother and father told me that the subject was moot because the marriage was ending in divorce. Needless to say the headaches continued.

Principle #2: Parenting is a team effort. Children know instinctively how to divide and conquer. And if there is disagreement as to how a child should be directed or disciplined, the family is set up for potential chaos and the marriage is weakened. Marital discord creates a chaos where children will be in charge. A divided marriage not only brings discord to the house, but many times the husband and wife will seek to curry the favor of their children instead of their spouse, validating their feelings through their children rather than their spouse.

This principle is violated with such frequency that I sometimes shake my head in amazement. A few years ago I counseled a couple that was working through some extremely difficult issues. They had two pre-adolescent children and were at loggerheads over what type of parenting style was appropriate. The wife claimed her husband was a severe and unreasonable disciplinarian; the husband claimed his wife spoiled the children to a “ridiculous degree.” As the marriage disintegrated, the husband shied away from his draconian parenting style and began relating with his boys in a way that he had never done—he spent one-on-one time with them, and began to listen more closely to not just what they were doing but how they were doing. Instead of the wife being pleased, she became more and more agitated, convinced her husband was turning the children against her. The conclusion is obvious: If the marriage is suffering, parenting will also suffer or at best be extremely challenging.

Principle #3: Let your children make mistakes. A couple came to see me to deal with a variety of issues both marital and familial, but their central focus causing the most consternation was their teenage daughter’s interest in a boy who was, in their eyes, less than stellar. They told her she could not date this boy any longer because she was making a “serious mistake.”

Kristi feigned agreement, but secretly kept seeing her boyfriend until her disobedience was discovered. This continued back and forth for another two months and then ensued what I call the “take-away game.” Kristi’s privileges were stripped one by one, until she basically went to school, came home, had dinner, and went to her room. Her computer was gone, her phone was confiscated, and she was isolated from any item that would cause her the smallest bit of pleasure in her home.

“How’s this working out for you?” I asked Kristi’s parents with a smile. The smile was not returned. I tried a different approach, “How is this affecting your marriage?” This question caught them a bit off guard, but they both admitted that their relationship was strained at best. Their daughter was a huge distraction and they had found themselves bickering about what direction to go and what disciplinary steps to take next. The time and energy that they were concentrating on their daughter was seriously interfering with their marriage. They asked me what direction they should take.

“First, give her everything back,” I said.

“Won’t that validate her behavior?” the mother asked.

“No, it will just let her know that you recognize that what you’re doing is not effective and that you are rescinding the punishment. Then,” I said, “sit her down, express your desires, and review the boundaries that you have set for her. After that, pause, look her in the eye, and say, ‘We have taught and hopefully modeled for you what good decision-making looks like. But we cannot control your life and we cannot keep you from making what we think are serious mistakes. So we’ll continue to set family boundaries which we expect you to honor, but we will not micro-manage your life any longer.'”

The mother looked on in horror as I suggested this. “Do you know the bad decisions she could make?”

“I do, and I hope she doesn’t. But the price that you’re paying as a couple and as a family is too great. You cannot let your daughter dictate the environment of your family.”

Kristi didn’t get better right away, and she did make some mistakes, but she no longer controlled the family by her behavior. I am certainly not encouraging negligent parenting and I’m also not saying that parents shouldn’t intervene when their children are making life-threatening decisions, but mistakes are potentially life’s instructors—we all learn the hard way! Kristi’s parents’ marriage was strengthened, and that produced a healing effect not only in their relationship but in their family as well.

Principle #4: Let your children reap their own consequences. One of Jesus’ most fascinating parables is the story of the prodigal son. That one story is so loaded with lessons that you could spend a decade studying it and still not plumb its depths. As we know, the son goes off, squanders his inheritance, and returns home destitute and humbled. One of the great lessons of this story is the fact that the father allowed his son to reap the consequences of his own decisions. He did not intervene or bail his son out of trouble or out of debt. He only prayed, awaiting his son’s return.

Of all the responsibilities that come with parenting, I believe allowing children to reap their own consequences is by far the most difficult. Any loving parent doesn’t want his or her child to suffer the results of poor decision-making.

I am regularly asked to counsel adolescents who are described by the parents as “under-achievers,” which I’ve finally determined is a fancy word for lazy. “John just isn’t getting the grades he’s capable of,” said one mother who recently came into my office.

John was in a prep school and was pulling in B’s and C’s. As I talked with John it was evident that he himself knew he wasn’t performing up to the level to which he was capable.

“What’s the deal with school?” I asked.

“Oh, I just don’t care that much and don’t want to do all the work they want me to do to get A’s. B’s and C’s are okay.”

I talked with the mother at the end of the session and told her that I thought John was a fine young man and that he was doing well.

“But what about his grades?” his mother asked, “He won’t be able to get in to the colleges that he wants to with grades like that.”

“Have you told him this?” I responded, but I confess that I already knew the answer.

“From the time he was in middle school—he knows what he needs to do.”

“Then let him reap what he has sown,” I said.

John knew that his behavior had consequences, but he hadn’t quite reaped them yet. His parents needed to allow that to transpire, even if his path was not totally to their liking. John got into a middle-tier college and went on to do quite well in his early adulthood. I had a conversation with him five years later and he said to me, “You know, I know I could have gone to a better college if I had worked harder in high school. I realize what my parents were trying to get me to understand.”

“Could they have done anything different to change your behavior?” I asked.

“No, I just had to learn for myself,” was his sage reply.

Parenting, the great distracter

Parenting is a great responsibility and a great joy, but it can also be a great distracter. Our lives are so inextricably linked with our children that it sometimes can be overwhelming emotionally. My most emotional moments and the majority of my tears were engendered by my kids. But my children eventually left home—can you imagine?! And my wife and I were the ones that remained. And the really interesting thing to me is that our relationship is still the backbone of our now-extended family. Don’t focus so much on your parenting that you forget that the most important relationship in your family is your marriage to your spouse.

May 2011

Once again, Cameron Diaz is earning headlines for her comments about marriage.

The 38-year-old actress has had a succession of boyfriends but has never married. Recently she told one magazine, “Marriage isn’t important to me … If I try to lock something down, I’m missing out on all the possibilities of what it could be.”

When another interviewer asked if she believes marriage is a dying institution, she answered, “I do. I think we have to make our own rules. I don’t think we should live our lives in relationships based off old traditions that don’t suit our world any longer.”

If you do a Google search on the words “Cameron Diaz” and “marriage” you will find similar comments. “I think people get freaked out about getting married and spending 20 or 30 years sleeping with the same person,” she said last year. Her advice was to “Have someone for five years and another person for another five years … Life is long and lucky and yes, love might last forever, but you don’t always live with the person you love forever.”

Comments like these from a popular actress naturally attract attention, but to be fair Diaz is only reflecting a growing belief among many people in America. America has the highest rate of divorce in the Western world; increasing numbers of single adults choose to live together without marrying, and more children than ever before are born outside of wedlock. Many are concluding that marriage is not only broken, but also unnecessary.

Dr. Keith Ablow, a psychiatrist, author, and commentator for Fox News, wrote a provocative article last week in which he declared, “Cameron Diaz Is Right—4 Reasons Why Marriage IS a Dying Institution.” Ablow seems to be heavily influenced by his experience with his patients:

Well, I’m not certain marriage ever did suit most people who tried it. From what I hear in my psychiatry office, and from what I hear from other psychiatrists and psychologists, and from what my friends and relatives tell me and show me through their behavior, and from the fact that most marriages end either in divorce or acrimony, marriage is (as it has been for decades now) a source of real suffering for the vast majority of married people.

Whew, that’s a pretty broad indictment … Marriage is a source of “real suffering” for the “vast majority” of couples? Somehow I doubt that Ablow is looking at a representative sample of marriages today. As one pastor comments, “The good doctor really does need to get out of his office more! While he’s at it, he might want to rub elbows with some more normal folk, as it appears that no one he knows thinks very much of marriage. Oh, wait. Dr. Ablow thinks that most normal people believe like his clients, fellow doctors, friends, relatives and he does. How else to explain his weirdly judgmental notion that: ‘Very few normal people who live together for long enough want to keep on doing it.’”

In his article Ablow makes it clear that he believes marriage is not beneficial for human relationships. He concludes:

It’s only a matter of time now. Marriage will fade away. We should be thinking about what might replace it. We should come up with something that improves the quality of our lives and those of our children.

Well, I don’t think it will be difficult for you to guess what I think of all this. Marriage is facing some big challenges today, but I don’t think it’s an outdated, dying institution. And I certainly don’t agree that we should replace it with something different. I’m convinced that the weakening of marriage is a disastrous trend—not only for individuals, but also for our nation and our culture.

I originally send these thoughts as part of FamilyLife’s Marriage Memo e-newsletter, and I asked for readers to send me their thoughts. What did they think of the state of marriage in our culture today. Did they think it is a “dying institution”? I was surprised by the quick response–we received over 200 e-mails and more than 40 online comments in the first three days.

There were differing opinions on the question of whether marriage is dying, but one thing came through loud and clear in nearly every message: You are troubled by the growing number of people who do not value marriage and don’t know how to build a lasting relationship. Here are some of your comments:

“It genuinely hurts to hear couples (even good friends of ours) who just give up on their marriage because they don’t want to work hard to maintain it.”

“We are becoming progressively more selfish, and marriage is not an institution that suits the selfish.”

“My wife and I just celebrated our 25th anniversary last winter and we can count one of my brothers and his wife and a handful of other couples among those we are close to who are still married to their first spouse. This includes many church friends. … My wife and I have four other siblings who have been married a total of ten times.”

It was also interesting to see a number of readers playing off the “dying institution” theme:

“Marriage isn’t a dying institution. Commitment is.”

“What’s dying is the skill to maintain a long-term relationship. It takes actual work. And people either don’t want to do the work, or they have no idea how.”

“Marriage is not a dying institution, morality is. We have devalued relationship, loyalty and commitment in our society and made it all about what feels only good. Life is about struggle and pain sometimes with joy and fun mixed in. When the pain comes there is a misconception that it’s time the commitment should end. … While the marriages of our parents and grandparents had plenty of their own problems, families could count on the stability and loyalty that came with those relationships. … Not perfect and not always functional but the security was in knowing it would be there.”

And a few provided a good reminder: How could something created by God be outdated? One reader wrote, “God is the designer of marriage, it is to reflect the Son’s love for His bride, the church; it is to glorify God. I think ultimately God will have the final say as to whether marriage lives or dies.”

We received over 200 e-mails in response to this article when it originally appeared. Click here to read them.

There is an interesting dilemma presented to Jesus in Matthew 22. His response is one you’ll never hear during a wedding.

The Sadducees present a case study to Jesus about a woman who had been married and widowed seven times. “At the resurrection,” they asked, “whose wife will she be of the seven, since all of them were married to her?” (Matthew 22:28).

Before hearing Jesus’ reply, let’s push pause for moment. Imagine how Hollywood or your favorite romance novelist would answer. “Well, the one she loved the most, of course” they might reply. Or perhaps, “Only her true soul mate could spend eternity with her in heaven; otherwise it wouldn’t be heaven!” If you were asked that question, what would your answer be?

Now look at how Jesus replied to the Sadducees: “You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God. At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven” (Matthew 22:29–30).

What? There’s no marriage in heaven? But I thought that eternity with the one you love would be the ultimate ending to true romance. It is—but not in the way we assume.

The Bible begins and ends with a wedding. In the beginning, because of the aloneness of man, God gives the first bride away; on the last day when Christ comes back for his bride, the Church, we will all be joined with him in heaven in perfect oneness.

In light of that truth I guess you could say we’re all engaged to our Savior. And “when Christ comes,” implies Jesus’ response, we won’t need marriage to fill our aloneness because the power and presence of God will fulfill our every longing. We will experience ultimate oneness with the one who created us, and we will live happily ever after.

Is your love for real? Find out in Bob Lepine's new book, Love Like You Mean It.

An assigned buddy

Do you remember being in kindergarten and going on a field trip? The teachers probably grouped a few students together with a chaperone so no one got lost. They may have paired you up with a friend and told you to hold hands and stick together to ensure that you didn’t wander off. God has pretty much done the same thing for us.

We are on the field trip of life and we’ve left the safety of the classroom, but we haven’t arrived at the destination yet. When Jesus comes, we will have arrived, but until then, we’re still vulnerable. To help us not get lost, He’s created two groups to help us find our way.

First, we’ve been put into a small group of people called the church. Here, regardless of age or marital status, we look after one another and encourage each other as we see the day approaching (Hebrews 10:25). Second, many of us find a spouse—a spiritual traveling buddy if you will—with whom we walk toward Christ.

Marriage to a person is not our ultimate destination; being wed to our Lord is. No other agenda should outweigh this purpose for marriage.

Single people need that perspective so they won’t over-value getting married.

Dating people need that perspective so that they will date with the purpose of finding someone who can become their buddy during the field trip of life and ultimately usher them to the arms of their Savior.

Married people need that perspective so they won’t lose sight of their purpose in being together, and remarried people need to keep this in mind so they won’t fret needlessly over who is most adored by their spouse. We all have a first love—and it’s not our spouse.

Not too long after Mike and I married, he was invited to join a church league softball team. He really enjoyed playing softball, and was free on Monday nights (when the team played), so he assumed that the answer was a no-brainer. Of course he would play!

That sure wasn’t my perspective. My thought was, What is he thinking?

You see, when Mike and I married he immediately became a dad to my two children. When he wanted to join the men’s softball team, he was still in the world of singles—thinking only of the effect the team would have on him. What about the conflicts that his playing ball would cause with our children’s teams? If he and the kids all played softball, then it would mean there would be two nights a week when we wouldn’t be able to talk until bedtime. Once we talked and he considered his new responsibilities as a dad and husband, he decided that it wasn’t the season of life for him to pick up the ‘ole softball glove.

Perspective … makes all the difference, doesn’t it!

Likewise, Mike and I have found that attending a Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway can be a different experience at different points in our lives. Married only three months when we went to our first conference, we were filled with energy and confidence. However, we walked into our second Weekend to Remember with a very different perspective—weary and very hungry for God’s strength.

Our first Weekend to Remember

When Mike and I went to our first Weekend to Remember, we were there to enrich our already fantastic marriage. We just knew that ours would be a consistently loving relationship because of our deep feelings for each other.

We learned some secrets that weekend that got our good marriage off to an even better start. For example, I learned that I have to make a conscious effort to remember to remember: Remember that my spouse thinks differently than I do. Remember that I need to model the same character traits that I need from him. Remember that when I most need understanding and love from Mike, I need to make the greatest effort to understand and love him.

When I heard Joy Downs, one of the conference speakers, talk about filling your husband with the very things you need from him, I was touched. The Holy Spirit seemed to nudge me to pay special attention. Joy said that loving your husband and finding a satisfied marriage was like priming a water pump. She explained that we often have to pour water into a pump if we want to get water (and not mud) out of it later. It seemed so elementary. But without even realizing it, I had always expected Mike to perform with love and compassion before I poured that love and compassion into him.

Until we went to our first Weekend to Remember, Mike had never thought about the different ways men and women think. As we heard Tim Downs explain the benefits of those differences, it became apparent to both of us that God had a plan in mind for the unique ways that He made each of us.

These principles helped us survive the loss of two babies during our next year—a miscarriage in July 2006 and a tubal pregnancy in June 2007. Because we already knew that we would each process these ordeals differently, our expectations were healthier and we were more tolerant and patient with each other. Rather than offending one another, because we weren’t on the same page emotionally, we were able to give each other grace.

I understood that Mike would focus on necessary tasks and would complete them one at a time to take care of me. He knew that I would consider every possible (and impossible) explanation, cause, and effect known to man to explain why this could happen to us. He also understood that I would want to help our two older children through the loss of two babies.

Because of what we learned at our first Weekend to Remember, we realized that we had to share our pain and our struggles to successfully get through them as a couple, even when all we could muster was “This stinks.”

After losing the babies, I didn’t get mad at God, because I presumed it was His will. And as a Christ-follower, I wanted His will even more than I wanted a baby. Regardless of the logic, I had all of this anger with no place to go. It was building up inside of me, and if I wasn’t careful, it trickled out all over Mike. Okay, sometimes it was more like a break in a dam that gushed all over the place and made a big mess. It was an indescribable, gradual resentment with no target and it built, and built, and built.

Our second Weekend to Remember

When we were asked to help with this year’s Weekend to Remember, we were not only excited to get a group together, but also thrilled to go back to the conference ourselves. We knew that after our tough year, nothing would be more worthwhile than attending a Weekend to Remember. We were drained from the challenges of life, and our marriage needed a boost.

Being in this state gave Mike and me a sense of urgency to listen when we attended our second Weekend to Remember. We were different people than we were at our first conference. The Lord blessed our hearts with fresh wisdom, and He reminded us of goals that we had set for ourselves at our first conference—goals that we needed to revisit. He used the messages to remove some barriers that Mike and I didn’t even realize we had built between ourselves.

We took stock of our spiritual walks, both as individuals and as a couple, and we planned some follow-up steps together to get even closer to God. We now understand that although our initial romanticized view of what we would become as a married couple was lovely, it requires work—not complacency. We heard for the second time that we are never standing still in a relationship … that we are either drifting toward oneness or isolation. And both of us had a new understanding of what it would take to find true oneness.

Blessings

Mike and I were blessed to attend our first Weekend to Remember when we were on the mountaintop with a blissful romantic outlook on life and marriage. We were equally blessed to attend our second conference when we were in a very painful place.

God has used our Weekend to Remember experiences to not only revitalize our love for each other, but also to remind us that love is something you do—not something you feel. The Weekend to Remember gave us the strength and tools to get back to doing love together.

Read more remarkable stories of changed lives and legacies.

Read stories of HomeBuilders (how God is working through ordinary people to change lives for eternity).

Don’t you hate it when you see a couple arguing in public?

A couple of weeks ago I was sitting at my gate in an airport, waiting to board a plane. Nearby was a young couple with a baby, and observing them was like watching someone open a can of Coke after shaking it for 30 seconds. I knew what was about to happen, and I wanted to duck for cover.

They were frazzled and frustrated. Each wanted to relax and let the other person take care of a cranky baby and a pile of carry-on items. The husband appeared to be one of those men who gets angry whenever things don’t go as he wishes.

As they walked down the ramp to the plane, the wife received a phone call. She wanted her husband to hold the baby while she talked, and he exploded. “I’ve been taking care of her all day long!” he complained (loudly). “You’re always on the phone.”

“You’ve hardly helped at all,” she replied. “And you’re never on the phone yourself?”

It went on from there, all the way down the ramp. I wondered how they treated each other behind closed doors if they acted like this in public.

Fortunately they calmed down on the plane, thanks to the intervention of a saintly flight attendant who showered them with attention and encouragement. She did everything she could to make the flight pleasant for them, and that seemed to relieve the pressure.

You do your part, I’ll do mine

It appeared that this couple had no clue about how to resolve conflict in their relationship. But I found myself thinking about an underlying cause of their conflict: They seemed to be operating under the common worldly pattern of marriage—the “50/50 Plan.” She felt she was doing her part in raising their daughter, and her husband was not doing enough. He seemed to feel the same about her.

As discussed in FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember® marriage getaways, the 50/50 Plan is based on performance. Typically, couples work out some sort of agreement about how they’ll divide family responsibilities and household duties, declaring, “You do your part, and I’ll do mine.” Acceptance and affection is often tied to how well each spouse does his or her part. As Dennis Rainey writes in Starting Your Marriage Right, “Performance becomes the glue that holds the relationship together, but it isn’t really glue at all. It’s more like Velcro. It seems to stick, but it comes apart when a little pressure is applied.”

On the surface, the 50/50 Plan sounds reasonable—why shouldn’t both spouses pledge to do their part? But in the end, it won’t work, for a number of reasons:

You can never meet all of your spouse’s expectations.
Inevitably you focus on your spouse’s weaknesses and failures and lose sight of your own.
It’s impossible to know when your spouse has met you halfway.

The 100/100 Plan

The truth is that both spouses in a marriage are sinful, flawed human beings, and both want their own way. As Rainey continues:

What a marriage needs is the super glue of Philippians 2:3: “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself.” It’s what we refer to as the 100/100 Plan, which requires a 100 percent effort from each of you to serve your spouse.

The Bible describes this plan well in Matthew 22:39: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” There’s no closer neighbor than the one you wake up to each morning! And since most of us love ourselves passionately, we are well on the way to implementing the 100/100 Plan if we take a similar approach to loving our spouses.

Start by stating the 100/100 Plan like this: “I will do what I can to love you without demanding an equal amount in return.”

With the 100/100 Plan, both husband and wife are willing to step in and do all the work. At home, both are willing to get the chores done. At the airport, both are willing to care for a fussy baby.

The 100/100 Plan allows for the inevitable trials and difficulties that any couple will encounter during the different seasons of life. It keeps a family going when one spouse is sick or injured, or working odd hours, and is therefore unable to contribute as much. It allows for the richness of a relationship in which each spouse complements the other because of differing strengths, personalities, and abilities.

In short, it’s the plan that provides the best picture of a biblical marriage.

While in Southern California on a business trip, I stopped for a red light early one morning. Waiting at the intersection, I noticed a construction crew already busy renovating an old restaurant. Like ants, the carpenters and other workers were scrambling through the building, and almost every one of them possessed the same thing: blueprints. I saw blueprints carried under arms, rolled out on window ledges, and pointed at excitedly.

The light turned green and I sped away, but the scene lingered in my memory, reminding me of a simple truth: You don’t build or renovate a structure without blueprints. Or if you do, how will that building turn out?

Unfortunately, too many couples have not compared notes on their blueprints for marriage. Like those construction workers, every husband and every wife has a set of prints, but I’ve seen too many relationships where his and hers don’t match—their expectations and purposes differ. If you think this might be true in your marriage, how do you get on the same page in your relationship and build your “house” from identical plans?

The only answer I know is to put you in touch with the Architect, the original Designer, the One who has recorded His blueprints for marriage in Scripture. As you journey through marriage together, you want to grow in your love for each other, to experience life fully, and to be truly one. But what seemed so effortless as an engaged couple may now be an elusive dream. That’s why you need to understand God’s blueprints—His purposes for marriage.

These three purposes will give your marriage a sense of direction, internal stability, and the stamp of God’s design. They will lift your marriage above the everyday, run-of-the-mill relationship and place it on a high and lofty spiritual plane.

Purpose One: Mirror God’s image.

After God created the earth and the animals, He said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” The account continues, “God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them” (Genesis 1:26-27).

God’s first purpose for creating man and woman and joining them in marriage was to mirror His image on earth. Center your attention on those words, mirror His image. The Hebrew word for “mirror” means to reflect God, to magnify, exalt, and glorify Him. Your marriage should reflect God’s image to a world that desperately needs to see who He is. Because we’re created in the image of God, people who wouldn’t otherwise know what God is like should be able to look at us and get a glimpse.

Purpose Two: Complete each other and experience companionship.

Scripture clearly outlines a second purpose for marriage: to mutually complete each other. That’s why God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18).

Adam felt isolated in the garden, and so God created woman to eliminate his aloneness. Writing to the first-century church in Corinth, Paul echoed the teachings in Genesis 2 when he asserted, “However, in the Lord, neither is woman independent of man, nor is man independent of woman” (1 Corinthians 11:11).

I was convinced that Barbara was “the one,” because I sensed that she could complete me as well as be a wonderful companion. Now, many years later, I really understand how much I need her. The two of us are like a computer and software. Standing alone, the computer and software are impressive, but combined as a team, they can accomplish so much more! And that’s exactly what God had in mind when He performed the first marriage with an original groom and bride named Adam and Eve.

You need each other. You recognize that now. But if you build your marriage according to God’s blueprints, as the years go by, you will really appreciate the genius of how God has custom-made your mate for you.

Purpose Three: Multiply a godly legacy.

A line of godly descendants—your children—will carry a reflection of God’s character to the next generation. Your plans for children may still be in the future, but if He gives you a child, you will be in for an amazing adventure.

God’s original plan called for the home to be a sort of greenhouse—a nurturing place where children grow up to learn character, values, and integrity. Too many couples today seem to be raising their children without a sense of mission and direction. They aren’t imparting to them the importance of leaving a spiritual legacy of changed lives. They aren’t evaluating their lives in light of the Great Commission of Matthew 28:18-20, where Christ commands us to preach the gospel to all nations.

One of your assignments is to impart a sense of destiny, a spiritual mission, to your children. Your responsibility as a couple is to make your home a place where your children learn what it means to love and obey God. Your home should be a training center to equip your children to look at the needs of people and the world through the eyes of Jesus Christ. If children do not embrace this spiritual mission as they grow up, they may live their entire lives without experiencing the privilege of God using them in a significant way.

Your marriage is far more important than you may have ever imagined because it affects God’s reputation on this planet. That’s why it’s essential for you to set Jesus Christ apart as the Builder of your home.

Definitions of terms are extremely important.

I was preaching in Germany one day, and a group of new friends asked me, “Do you want to play football with us this afternoon?”

I enjoy football—both watching it and playing it. In high school and college my friends and I used to spend our weekends throwing the ball outside and playing pickup games. “Count me in!” I told them excitedly.

To my surprise, when I got down to the field, I didn’t find tall goalposts and a brown ball with pointy ends. Instead, I saw two goals with nets on them and a round, black-and-white ball. That’s when I remembered: football in Europe (and most of the rest of the world) is a lot different from my American understanding of football. I call their kind of football soccer.

Football. Same term, different definitions. But there are other more significant, extremely consequential examples of this as well. One’s definition of a human has huge ramifications for one’s view of abortion. How terms like this are defined by a culture determines much about how people not only make decisions but also lead their lives in that culture.

So how does one define marriage?

Moving away from traditional marriage

This question lies at the heart of a moral revolution in our time and culture. For millennia, civilizations have defined marriage as an exclusive, permanent union of a man and a woman. Two decades ago politicians in our country voted across party lines to defend this definition of marriage in what was call the Defense of Marriage Act. Yet in June of 2013 the Supreme Court of the United States struck down key provisions of that Act, paving the way for the complete redefinition of marriage across our culture. And in June of 2015 the Supreme Court exerted its authority again and legalized same-sex marriage in all 50 states.

These decisions represent part of a much larger trend away from traditional marriage across our culture that has taken place over many years. Though it’s difficult to obtain precise data, census figures project that nearly half of all first marriages will end in divorce. And that’s if men and women decide to marry. The number of cohabiting couples in our culture has nearly quadrupled over the last 30 years as more and more singles postpone or put aside marriage altogether. Marital union is clearly on the decline.

All of these realities cause us to wonder, Is marriage really that important in the first place? And what’s the problem with redefining it? Are we really going to say it’s wrong for two men or two women to marry each other? Isn’t it more wrong (maybe even hateful) to deny two men or two women the right to love one another like this?

What has God said about marriage?

More foundational than these questions is how the gospel applies to marriage. What has the Creator God said about marriage? Have we turned aside from what He has said? Does Christ’s death on the cross have anything to do with how we define marriage? And what does it mean for followers of Christ to live in a culture that often defines marriage differently than the Bible does? If we’re willing to ask these questions honestly, we need to be ready for surprising answers. More important, we need to be prepared to counter the culture around us in significant ways.

Our understanding of marriage is built upon our understanding of sexuality. According to our culture, sexual differences are merely social constructions. Sure, men and women have physical distinctions, but even these can be altered, if we prefer. Aside from this, men and women are equal—and by equal, we mean identical.

But what does God say?

The first two chapters of Genesis record complementary accounts of human creation. Genesis 1 tells us, “God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them” (verse 27). The dignity of men and women is on display from the start. Nothing else in all creation, not even the most majestic angel, is portrayed “in the image of God.” Men and women alone are like God, but not in the sense that we share all of His qualities. He is infinite; we are finite. He is divine; we are human. He is spirit; we are flesh.

Yet in a way that nothing else in all creation can, men and women share certain moral, intellectual, and relational capacities with God. We have the power to reason, the desire to love, the ability to speak, and the facility to make moral decisions. Most important of all, men and women have the opportunity to relate to God in a way that dogs and cats, mountains and seas, and even angels and demons can’t.

Equal dignity before God

This is where any Bible-informed conversation about men and women must begin: with men and women both created with equal dignity before God and each other. Men and women both share in the inexpressible worth of creatures formed in the image of God himself. In this way, God speaks loudly from the start of Scripture against any sort of male or female superiority or dominance. Near the end of Scripture, God refers to men and women as fellow “heirs… of the grace of life” (1 Peter 3:7). According to God’s design, men are never to be perceived as better than women, and women are never to be perceived as better than men. Both are beautifully—and equally—created in the image of God.

But not identically. Equal dignity does not eliminate distinction. Genesis 1 makes clear that God creates humans male and female, and he does it for a reason. Right after He blesses them, He commands them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth” (Genesis 1:28). This command is only possible by virtue of the peculiarity of male and female. Multiplication would have been impossible if God had created humans male and male or female and female. God’s unique design enables them to carry this command.

Moreover, this divine design involves far more than the capacity to reproduce (as important as that is). There is something greater than mere biological accident or evolutionary adaptation going on here. God creates man and woman to cherish their shared equality while complementing their various differences.

A helper

Genesis 2 provides a more close-up picture of how God initially creates man. God forms him from the dust, breathes life into his nostrils, and places him in the Garden of Eden. God parades animals before him, tasking him with assigning names to each of them. The point of this procession is to make clear to man that he is alone—that there is no one else like him. As man looks at each animal, considering monikers that match their nature, he realizes, None of these match my nature. He sinks back into solitude, and for the first time in the Bible, we read, “It is not good” (Genesis 2:18).

So God says, “I will make him a helper fit for him.” When man falls asleep, God performs the first surgery, taking a rib from man. Obviously God doesn’t need to do this. Just as He has created man from dust, He can create woman the same way. But He doesn’t. Instead, God takes a rib from man’s side, and He forms a woman. When the man opens his eyes, he is stunned, to say the least. The first recorded human words are poetry, as the man sings,

This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Genesis 2:23

Don’t miss the magnificence of this scene. God brings man to realize that he needs someone equal to him, made with the same nature that he possesses but different from him, in order to help him do things he could never do on his own. This is precisely what God gives to man in woman, and the stage is thus set for the institution of marriage. In the very next verse, we read, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).

Designed to complement each other

Behold the beauty of God’s design for man, woman, and marriage. Two dignified people, both molded in the image of their Maker. Two diverse people uniquely designed to complement each other. A male and a female fashioned by God to form one flesh, a physical bond between two bodies where the deepest point of union is found at the greatest point of difference. A matrimony marked by unity and diversity, equality with variety, and personal sanctification through shared consummation.

None of this was haphazard. From the beginning of time, God designed marriage in this way for a purpose. That purpose was not fully revealed until Jesus died on the cross, rose from the dead, and instituted the church. After all of this, the Bible looks back to the institution of marriage and asserts, “This mystery (of marriage) is profound, and … it refers to Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5:32). When God made man, then woman, and then brought them together in a relationship called marriage, he wasn’t simply rolling dice, drawing straws, or flipping a coin. He was painting a picture. His intent from the start was to illustrate His love for people.

This revelation stunned men and women in the first century, and it should shock us in the twenty-first century. Moreover, it is momentous for the way people understand marriage in any culture. Whether Greco-Roman citizens then or American citizens today, most people view marriage as a means of self-fulfillment accompanied by sexual satisfaction. A man or woman’s aim is to find a mate who completes him or her. In this view, marriage is an end in itself, and sexual consummation is a celebration of such a completion.

Yet the Bible teaches that God created marriage not as an end but as a means to an end. While personal enjoyment and sexual pleasure are a part of God’s good plan for marriage, God’s purpose does not stop there. For God created the marriage relationship to point to a greater reality.

A picture of Christ and the church

From the moment marriage was instituted, God aimed to give the world an illustration of the gospel. Just as a photograph represents a person or an event at a particular point in history, marriage was designed by God to reflect a person and an event at the most pivotal point in history. Marriage, according to Ephesians 5, pictures Christ and the church. It is a living portrait drawn by a divine Painter who wants the world to know that He loves His people so much that He has sent His Son to die for their sins. In the picture of marriage, God intends to portray Christ’s love for the church and the church’s love for Christ on the canvas of human culture.

So how is this picture portrayed? The Bible explains, saying, “The husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.” Moreover, “as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands” (Ephesians 5:23-24). In other words, God designs husbands to be a reflection of Christ’s love for the church in the way they relate to their wives, and God designs wives to be a reflection of the church’s love for Christ in the way they relate to their husbands.

Talk about countercultural! Or maybe more aptly put, talk about politically incorrect! The husband is the head of his wife? Wives should submit to their husbands? Are you serious?

God is serious, and He is good. In our limited understanding, we hear words and phrases like the ones in Ephesians 5, and we recoil in disgust. But if we pause for just a moment to consider the picture of marriage from a gospel perspective, our reaction may be different.

Head of the church

When the Bible says that “the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church,” we immediately need to ask the question, “What does it mean for Christ to be the head of the church?” The Bible answers that question by saying, “Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. He did this to present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot of wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless” (Ephesians 5:25-27, HCSB).

What a breathtaking picture. For Christ to be the head of the church is for Christ to give everything He has for the good of the church. Christ takes responsibility for the beauty of His bride, ready to lay aside His rights and willing to lay down His life for the sake of her splendor.

So this is who God has designed a husband to be: a man who gives everything he has for the good of his wife. A man who takes responsibility for the beauty of his bride, ready to lay aside his rights and willing to lay down his life for the sake of her splendor. God has designed a husband to be the head of his wife like this so that in a husband’s love for his wife, the world might see a picture of Christ’s love for his people.

Submission

Likewise, “as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands” (Ephesians 5:24). As soon as we hear the word submission alongside the previous picture of headship, we immediately think in terms of inferiority, subordination, and domination. But that’s nowhere close to what the Bible means with these terms. As we’ve already seen, God made clear from the start that men and women are equal in dignity, value, and worth. Submission is not about denigrating the value of another’s life. Instead, this biblical word means to yield to another in love.

Not insignificantly, in another instance where the husband is described as the head of his wife, the Father is also described as the head of the Son: “The head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God” (1 Corinthians 11:3). Certainly this doesn’t mean that God the Father is dominating and that God the Son is cruelly forced into compulsory subordination. Rather, the Son gladly submits to the Father in the context of close relationship.

This, then, is what the Bible means when it talks about the church submitting to Christ. As followers of Christ in the church, we are in a position of submission to Christ. Is this a bad thing? Certainly not. It’s a great thing! Christ loves, leads, serves, protects, and provides for us, and we gladly submit to Him in the context of close relationship with Him.

The only true marriage

God has designed marriage to display this relationship. God desires people to know that following Him is not a matter of begrudging subordination to a domineering deity. God longs for people to know that following Him is a matter of glad submission to a loving Lord. So He calls a wife to submit to the loving leadership of a husband who lays down his life for her good.

And as this portrait of marriage is portrayed all around the world, God shows men and women that He can be trusted to lead them by His love.

It is altogether right to be grieved about the redefinition of marriage in our culture. So-called “same-sex marriage” is now recognized as a legitimate entity in the eyes of our government. Such a designation by a government, however, does not change the definition God has established. The only true marriage in God’s eyes remains the exclusive, permanent union of a man and a woman, even as our Supreme Court and state legislatures deliberately defy this reality. Without question, we are living in momentous days—momentous in devastating ways.

Yet all is most definitely not lost. The opportunity for gospel witness in contemporary culture is far greater now than it was even a couple of years ago. As spiritual darkness engulfs the biblical picture of marriage in our culture, spiritual light will stand out even more starkly in the portrait of a husband who lays down his life for his wife and a wife who joyfully follows her husband’s loving leadership.

Be sure of this: God’s design for marriage is far more breathtaking and much more satisfying than anything we could ever create on our own. The more men and women manipulate marriage, the more we will discover that “this kind of marriage” or “that kind of marriage” will not fully gratify us, for only the King who designed marriage is able to finally (and eventually) satisfy us.

This summer we celebrated 40 years of marriage. Our anniversary is actually August 23, but this year we declared the whole summer a celebration. In the past, John and I have never been into gifts or big anniversary celebrations, be we decided that this year would be different.

One reason is that we are acutely aware of the many Christian marriages that are crumbling. Many have just worn out. Some old ones seem to be dying of neglect, others due to genuine crises.

We understand the challenges. Marriage takes steady work. It’s a lifelong covenant and we’ll never get it down perfectly. After all, we are two self-centered people trying to build a union.

We realized how important it is to celebrate what we do have—however imperfect it is. So we decided to surprise our children, and at our family reunion in June we formally recommitted ourselves to our marriage vows. Our kids had gathered with all the grandchildren in the front yard of the farm for the annual family photo. An hour earlier my husband had told our son, JY, who is a pastor, what was up and had asked him to lead us through our vows.

John and I dressed while the kids gathered, unaware of the drama about to unfold. I wore my wedding dress, which had also been my mother’s. Never mind that I couldn’t zip it all the way up my back. I just pinned it at the top and was very stylish in a partially backless wedding dress. (No one ever warned me that our ribs would expand with age!) But I was after sentiment, not a fashion statement.

John appropriately put on his cowboy hat, jeans, and cowboy shirt with his tux jacket. And we both wore cowboy boots. We pressed play to start a recording of the majestic “Trumpet Voluntary” and it roared out over the valley as we glided out the front door in our wedding garb to the utter shock of our kids.

There were indeed some tears in the crowd as our son, with his 2-year-old in one arm and the Anglican Prayer Book in the other, took us through our vows again. And for the two of us it was a time of intense gratitude for the goodness of God in giving us these years.

Several weeks later the two of us went out to dinner alone. We reflected on how special that recommitment was and how we wanted to continue to appreciate one another and what we have. What we realized is that in marriage it is easier to focus on the negatives, the lacks, or the disappointments in your mate instead of taking time to focus on what we love and are thankful for in the other person.

While we ate our dinner, we decided to take turns telling each other things we love about one another and continued doing so over the next few weeks until we came up with 40 each. Some were silly and some serious: I love the way John sometimes winks at me. He mentioned that he loves the way I jump on the riding mower and mow without being asked!

We haven’t hit 40 things yet, but that’s good. We want to continue to celebrate, not finish!

And why quit with 40?

It’s a question I’m hearing more these days. “Ron, just what exactly is my role as a grandparent to my stepgrandchildren? I’m used to being ‘Grandma,’ and love being so, but I’m just not sure what I’m supposed to do when it comes to my stepgrandchildren.”

Nearly 40 percent of families currently in the U.S. have a stepgrandparent, and by 2030 Americans will have one stepgrandchild for every 1.7 biological grandchildren. But despite this prevalence, very little has been done in society or the church to clarify the role of stepgrandparents.

Not all situations are the same. The challenges stepgrandparents experience will vary depending on how the person became a stepgrandparent. For example, if someone in later life made a clear and prayerful decision to marry into a family with adult children and grandchildren, their entrance into stepgrandparenting likely comes with a higher degree of motivation than someone whose adult child marries and becomes a stepparent, forcing them into the role of stepgrandparent.

No matter how you got to this place, however, there are going to be awkward situations. Knowing how to bond with stepgrandchildren can be challenging. You’re probably asking some difficult questions: What type of authority are you in their life and to what degree? How do you go about giving physical affection? And while you’re figuring one another out in the beginning, how do you not show favoritism toward biological grandchildren that already adore you?

Finding common ground

With stepgrandparenting, bonding is a process. It won’t come naturally like it does with biological grandchildren. In the beginning awkwardness might be high, but don’t let that keep you from taking initiative. Like all relationships, it will take time and intentional effort in order for your stepgrandparent connection to grow.

One easy step that stepgrandparents can do is to take notice of the child’s interests and find opportunities to share your talents and abilities that are interesting to the child. These natural connecting points are windows into the child’s heart and start the process of bonding.

In addition, let the child set the pace for terms of endearment, physical affection, and their degree of openness to hearing you speak into their lives. Respecting their level of openness communicates your willingness to meet them where they are and grow from there. That makes bonding less intimidating for both of you.

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!

Certainly, don’t put pressure or standards on the amount of time it takes to form a bond or the way the children respond to you. Each child is different and will interact in various ways. It often takes a “two steps forward, one step back” pattern, in which it may appear that the child is growing closer and then suddenly pushes you away. But that’s a normal reaction. Just be patient and don’t overreact.

The loyalty conflict

Just as getting connected with a stepgrandchild can be awkward, so can staying connected with biological grandchildren who primarily live with the ex-spouse. This is especially true when the divorce was difficult, and the grandparent feels stuck between two people who don’t like each other. It creates an internal conflict for grandparents who want to support their adult child. This can tempt some grandparents to avoid spending time with their biological grandchildren in order to escape the awkward encounter with the ex-spouse.

But siding with an adult child comes at the expense of staying connected with your grandchildren, and this loss creates a hole in the grandparent’s heart. This can often cause guilt when you spend time with new stepgrandchildren.

Other grandparents experience an issue on the other side of the coin. Their strong desire to stay connected with all grandchildren (and stepgrandchildren) may move them to keep the door open to their ex-son/daughter-in-law to the dismay of their biological son/daughter.

No matter what, either disconnecting or staying connected comes at a price. So, what is a grandparent to do?

Grace-filled grandparenting

Develop and maintain the relationships in your life by applying a grace-filled heart to your one-on-one connections with each family member, new or old, even if others struggle to join you. A key principle to apply, whether trying to stay connected with grandchildren or get connected with stepgrandchildren, is this: possessiveness divides, but grace connects. Having an inclusive, grace-filled heart that is open to new relationships and keeping old ones fosters bonding and love.

On the other hand, trying to hold on to what you feel you’re entitled to or orchestrate relationships according to your needs only divides family members because it exudes animosity and encourages grudges.

Grace-filled grandparents refuse to be cornered or controlled by the standards and agendas of others, even if a son or daughter tries to manipulate the way you relate with children or an ex-spouse. You actually have the ability over time to connect the generations of a stepfamily through your efforts of love and acceptance. And that is a beautiful thing.

But let me offer this word of caution: Being a grace-filled grandparent can initially come at a cost. People might resent your openness to others or relationships they find threatening. Adult children and grandchildren, who are often wounded by the past and caught in their own loyalty conflicts, sometimes find it difficult to give permission to new and old relationships.

The stepgrandparent that can struggle through the initial storm of loyalty wars, however, can actually have a positive impact on family. When you demonstrate an open heart and find the ability to love each person, biological or step, in ways appropriate to their established or developing relationship, you have a unique ability to influence the entire family system toward grace. I have witnessed this dynamic with many families.

For example, grandparents who refuse to show favoritism to biological grandchildren and include stepgrandchildren help stepsiblings accept one another. And grandparents who gently refuse to withdraw from an ex-son/daughter-in-law despite the tension, quietly but powerfully remind family members to extend forgiveness and welcome the outsider in.

Being a stepgrandparent can be an important and influential role if you remain levelheaded and have patience. And thankfully, you are not alone in this task. God is a God of unity, and He longs for all members of your family—step, ex, biological, or adopted—to love and respect each other. So don’t forget that you have the power to pray. Pray for your own wisdom in the matter, but pray that others will see your grace and follow your lead.

The news of another violent tragedy consumes the airwaves, again.

X dead. Y wounded.

Slowly the details begin to emerge. We learn the names of the victims and their stories. We learn about the gunman and his motivations.

And we lament over all the missed warning signs. In a desperate attempt to make sense of the senseless we analyze everything, we hope to find an answer somewhere.

As the confusion of the moment fades, we realize we’ve lost something. The sense of security we once had now seems elusive. With each new detail, we realize that it easily could have been us, our spouse, our child, our parent.

When the cold, hard truth of our vulnerability finally sets in, fear turns to anger. Something must be done!

How can we protect our loved ones from the evil that exists? Some advocate eliminating guns from society. Others try to solve the problem by arming themselves.

As a husband and father, I know that it is my responsibility to protect my family. When there is a bump in the night, it is my job to investigate. Whether armed with a weapon or my bare hands, I must be prepared to defend my wife and kids in any way that I can, even if it means giving up my life to save theirs.

I looked up Mark 3:27, which says, “… no one can enter a strong man’s house and plunder his goods, unless he first binds the strong man. Then indeed he may plunder his house.” Reading this passage made me wonder, what kind of protector am I? Could I really protect my family from a home invasion? How easy would it be to “bind” me?

And then, as I considered that question, I realized that evil was not only attacking my house, but I had actually let it in.

Passivity

Genesis 3:6 records the very first time that a man failed to protect his wife:

So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate.

Every time I read this story, I want to scream. God told Adam earlier that the tree was forbidden, yet he stood by in silence as Satan told Eve lies. He watched as she stepped up to the tree, examined its fruit, and took her first bite.

Where was Adam’s instinct to defend? Why didn’t he grab a garden hoe and chop the snake’s head off? History may have turned out differently had he done that, but instead, he stood by and did nothing. To make matters worse, he followed her lead, when he knew better.

As much as I like to fault Adam, I have to admit that I’ve done the same thing.

Our family recently moved over 1,200 miles away from everyone we ever knew. When we did, my wife lost more than her career, friends, and family … she slowly began to lose her identity.

I thought it was something that would pass with time, so I did what many guys do. I let her have her space. Basically, I did nothing.

It wasn’t until I reread this passage that I realized what my passivity had done. Satan had been invading my home since we moved. With each passing day, he whispered new lies into my wife’s ears. I watched in silence as her joy slipped away and her bitterness over the move grew.

I had failed to defend my wife when she needed it most.

Ephesians 6:12 tells us, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” When I finally realized what she needed, I walked into my arsenal and pulled out the biggest gun that I could find.

I grabbed my wife’s hand, and audibly rebuked Satan in Jesus’s name. I commanded that he leave my wife alone and I began to cover her in prayer each morning.

After over 18 months of allowing Satan to have victories in my house, he finally began to retreat. Within a few weeks, my wife’s joy began to return and our new house began to feel like home.

Lack of support

If you are going to engage in spiritual warfare on behalf of your family, you must prepare yourself. I let my wife fight her battle alone for so long because I was spiritually weak.

The community of godly men that I once had around me, urging me forward, was over 1,200 miles away. The new church that we had been visiting was filled with strangers. To make matters worse, I let myself fall out of the habit of regularly reading my Bible and praying. My spiritual life became stagnant. I was empty myself and had little to give.

I needed to start training my spiritual muscles for the battle ahead.

One of the blessings of living in the South is that there are plenty of churches to choose from. One of the curses of being in the South is that there are plenty of churches to choose from. We wasted too much time bouncing around from church to church in search of the perfect fit. One problem was that I kept trying to find a church that would make my wife happy.

Unfortunately, she was too homesick to be able to appreciate any church. The more we looked, the more Sunday morning became a depressing reminder of all we had lost. It became all about us and not about God. It was exhausting.

I knew I couldn’t properly lead my family unless my relationship with God was growing. This led me to make what felt like an incredibly selfish choice. I put a stake in the ground and picked the church that offered me the best chance at spiritual growth.

Initially, my decision was met with grumbling. I was tempted to give in, but I knew that I could not properly lead my family as a church-hopping nomad.

Surprisingly, within about a week the complaining stopped. With the burden of making a choice lifted, the family could finally begin to settle down.

Going it alone

It’s easy to listen to an amazing sermon on Sunday morning, and completely forget it by Monday. I knew that if I was going to train for the battle ahead, that I’d need a group of buddies to train with me. As Proverbs 27:17 says, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.”

I made the choice to walk into a crowded men’s group meeting on a Wednesday night, pick a table, and introduce myself. It was terrifying. I wanted to run, but for the sake of my family, I overcame my doubts and committed to getting to know the guys at my table.

I was honest with these men from the start. I didn’t have time to play games. I laid out my issues and I gave the men permission to get in my face and ask me the tough questions.

Sometimes, just knowing that I’d have to give them an update was enough to keep me moving forward.

My own sin

Proverbs 25:28 says, “A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.”

Sometimes we’re not just standing around as the devil breaks into our house, we’re actually the ones who open the door.

When we first moved, I complained about everything. It was too hot, the yard wasn’t flat, the neighbor’s dog barks every Saturday morning at 7 a.m. My constant complaining opened the door for Satan to walk in and make himself at home. My sinful attitude helped a spirit of bitterness take root in my wife and children. They were following my example.

Whether we realize it or not, what we choose to complain about, the language we use, the shows we allow on our TVs, the friends we invite over … it all matters.

As the head of the house, it is my responsibility to keep evil out. This means I first need to keep it as far away from myself as I can.

The first line of defense

There is evil in the world. Sometimes it shows itself in overt displays of violence and shocks us to our core. Sometimes the attacks are more subtle and can go unnoticed for years. First Peter 5:8 warns us to “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.”

As husbands, it is our responsibility to be the first line of defense for our families. While many are well prepared to handle a home invasion or prowling mass murderer, our vision of defense can’t stop with the physical.

The reality is that members of your family are likely under spiritual attack right now.

The question is, how far are you willing to go to protect them?

Rain pounded the windshield and the wipers barely kept up with the downpour as Ryan Knott and his fiancée, Sarah, headed to a Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway. The roads were slick and lightning crackled around them.

There was an unexpected pop—like a bullet or a large rock hitting the windshield. Ryan and Sarah thought the glass would shatter. But instead all of the car’s lights went out.

As Ryan’s left hand gripped the steering wheel, his fingers began to tingle. His speech became slurred and his facial muscles drooped slightly, like someone having a mild stroke. When the left wheel began to lock in place, Ryan thought they were going to crash.

After regaining control of the car he said, “What the heck just happened?”

Sarah looked at him in disbelief, “I think we just got hit by lightning.”

It was not the first time they had been jolted unexpectedly by a force out of their control. But this time Ryan and Sarah did not doubt that God was with them. They had witnessed Him transform too many bad circumstances into good. They were not going to doubt God now.

Struggling with faith

Ryan and Sarah met back in 2010, when both of them were in college.

A talented pitcher in high school, Ryan went to Duke University on a baseball scholarship. But his dreams of playing major league baseball were dashed because of repeated elbow injuries. That left him angry with God, and asking himself, Why me? Why was I the one injured?

Ryan battled a lot with his faith then, doubting what plan God could possibly have for him. “I felt like I was an ant and God had a magnifying glass,” he says. Spiraling downward in self-pity, he became more and more negative. He doubted God’s existence, stopped praying, and started partying. And he walked away from church.

Because of his injuries, Ryan was unable to play summer baseball for Duke. So he accepted an internship at Camp Star, a camp for kids with special needs that’s located near Chicago. That’s where he met Sarah.

It was easy for Sarah to identify with Ryan’s struggle with faith. After accepting an academic scholarship to Lake Forest College (near Chicago), she had assumed that she could play women’s basketball. It was disappointing when she didn’t make the team, especially since she had turned down athletic scholarships from other colleges.

But unlike Ryan, Sarah’s disappointment did not lead to bitterness. Instead of doubting God’s goodness, she trusted His plans. She made the most of her situation and began a chapter of Fellowship of Christian Athletes at Lake Forest. She also accepted a work study position taping athletes’ ankles.

Sarah and Ryan worked a lot together at camp that summer and became friends. They discovered that they both liked to sing and play the guitar. When they returned to their schools after camp, they said they would stay in touch. And thanks to Skype, that’s exactly what the twosome did. While Ryan was in North Carolina and Sarah in Illinois, they sang one another their original songs and played other music together via the internet.

The more Ryan and Sarah got to know one another, the more he began to change. “I did a 180 when I met her,” Ryan says, “and started focusing again on my faith.” Somehow talking with Sarah made him want to be a better person. And as they wrote music together and filmed some music videos, they fell in love.

Ryan proposed to Sarah in 2014, and by then they had both graduated from college and were working full-time. Before they married, Sarah asked Ryan if they could attend a Weekend to Remember marriage getaway. She had heard about the event on a FamilyLife Today® podcast.

“Our parents and people from church gave us great [marriage] advice,” Sarah says, “but I wanted to try something a little different and check out this Weekend to Remember.” So she brought it up to Ryan.

Not knowing what to expect, he was resistant. Why would he want to spend an entire weekend learning about marriage? And how could talks from complete strangers impact their unique relationship? But despite his misgivings, he told Sarah that they could give it a try.

Lightning

Before Ryan and Sarah had even attended the first getaway session, “Five Threats to Oneness,” they experienced a threat of their own—they were jolted by the unexpected lightning strike.

They didn’t know what do, so they called Ryan’s dad, who had once been an electrician. He told them to stay in the car until they reached a dry area—where they would be grounded by the rubber tires. Then he said: “This is what’s going to happen to your car: After your battery drains, you are going to lock; you are not going to be able to go.”

Sure enough, when Ryan and Sarah were about a mile or two from the event venue, the engine to their car locked up and they had to get it towed. While waiting for the tow truck, they started to argue. They would be late for the Weekend to Remember, and Ryan wondered if they should even go.

Ultimately they decided not to let a lightning strike ruin their plans. Ryan and Sarah finally made it to the getaway on Saturday morning.

They learned a lot over the next two days about how to build a successful marriage. Ryan was surprised by how easily he and Sarah could apply the personal illustrations of different speakers. They learned that all couples will have conflict and that it’s important to forgive and forget. Or as Ryan says, “move forward and don’t take steps backward.”

He says that an “aha moment” for him was learning how to actually handle conflict. Before the weekend, he had a tendency to lash out and hold grudges.

And he says the most important thing he learned was to give God first place in his life and marriage. That discovery was like a lightning striking through his heart—it changed everything. “I had always thought He’d be in the picture, but making Him the focal point, I really didn’t know much about that.”

Before Sarah met Ryan, her parents had told her to marry a man who loves God more than he loves her. The Weekend to Remember helped her understand that by making God the center of their marriage, God would enable her to love Ryan more than she ever could on her own.

Married in 2015, Ryan no longer doubts God’s goodness. He understands that his athletic injuries paved the way for him to meet Sarah at summer camp. And that led to their song-writing partnership—they even formed their own group, Acoustic Truth. Ryan says if he could do it all over again, he’d tear up a major league contract to be with Sarah.

Today the Knotts are grateful that a lightning strike did not stop them from attending a Weekend to Remember. They’re thankful for the speakers who helped them understand how to keep God at the center of their lives and marriage, even when it’s jolted by things out of their control.

Check out this video of the Acoustic Truth song “The Vow.”

Editor’s note: Some may consider the following story a bit extreme. But in an age when many young adults are wary of committing to another person in marriage for a lifetime, the courtship and marriage of John and Betty Stam remind us that commitment to the lordship of Jesus Christ must come first. As the author writes, “Nothing in my early life more clearly illuminated to me exactly what that surrender means, and what it may cost, than the following story about two twentieth century young people who gave up their rights to themselves, took up the cross, and followed.”

A song Rod Stewart sang gives truthful expression to an attitude common to many today.

I don’t want to challenge you
marry you, or remember you
I just wanna make love to you.

That’s putting it bluntly. Love imposes obligations. Making love, in the minds of such men and women, is a form of recreation, a feeling that may last for a few minutes, even an hour. Nothing more is implied, although much more may be expected. It is a means of self-satisfaction. But to challenge? Marry? Or even remember? Ah, there’s a Catch-22: responsibility. At that they break into a cold sweat.

What shall we say of a man who, on his first approach, offered a woman something she says she could not resist: unconditional love? A man ought to be careful of his words. “Set a guard over my mouth, O lord; keep watch over the door of my lips,” was the psalmist’s prayer (Psalm 141:3).

He promised he’d never leave, always be faithful. The woman wrote to me, “We are no longer seeing each other because of his great fear of commitment. Though he says he loves me, he doesn’t feel ‘at peace’ about marrying me. He says you’re supposed to be very happy about such a decision, and instead of great joy, he only feels great fear. Therefore, for the fifth time (yes, fifth, I’m embarrassed to say) he has made an exit, though this time it was at my suggestion because he was manifesting his fear again, and I could no longer handle it.”

Forfeiting rights

To commit oneself to marriage is to give oneself in trust, to put one’s life at the disposal of the other. It is, in fact, actually to forfeit rights and to consign oneself to the charge of another person. One who commits his way to the Lord also does just this. No one will do that who does not trust Him. Whom do we trust? On whose integrity, veracity, justice, or even faithful friendship can we rely? Am I worthy of another’s trust? Am I a person in whom confidence can be reposed?

Commitment entails the acceptance of responsibility. It imposes a task and a trust. It is a promise to do something, a pledge to pursue a certain course. To love is to make a commitment. Merely to make love while refusing commitment is a purely selfish act, irresponsible, and finally destructive.

It is not only men who fear commitment. A missionary woman became engaged to a national in the country where she served. She broke the engagement, went home on furlough, met another man who was on his way to mission work; they became engaged. When he told her he was going to a different country she broke the engagement and wrote to ask me if I thought it would be best to go back to the first man. What could I say?

The source of true commitment

For the Christian, an understanding of commitment must come first of all in surrender to the lordship of Jesus Christ. Nothing in my early life more clearly illuminated to me exactly what that surrender means, and what it may cost, than the following story about two twentieth century young people who gave up their rights to themselves, took up the cross, and followed.

John Stam was born early in the twentieth century in Paterson, New Jersey. His father, Peter Stam, came from Holland and established a building business but was known in jails, hospitals, almshouses, and the poorest sections of the city for his kind “servant heart.” His six sons and three daughters were brought up in a strong Christian home where Bibles were placed on the table three times daily and a chapter was read, each one taking a turn, before the food was served.

John was seated at his desk in business school one day in 1922 when he handed over his life to the Lord. From that moment he knew he did not belong to himself but was forever to be at the service of his Master, Christ. His interest in making money waned. Things that lasted for eternity were all that mattered.

Elisabeth Alden Scott (directly descended from John and Priscilla Alden of the Mayflower) was born in the United States but brought up in China where her parents were missionaries. Her little sister described Betty, as she was always called, as tender and thoughtful. A lady who had had her as a student teacher when Betty was at Wilson College wrote to me, “She impressed me the most, and is the only one I remember. Her manner was gentle, calm, with a quiet voice.”

A strange attraction

It was at Moody Bible Institute in Chicago that John Stam noticed in this girl something he had never found before, something that strangely attracted him. But his primary concerns were his studies and his weekend travels to preach in a church two hundred miles away. His feelings for this lovely woman were held so firmly in check that fellow students saw nothing.

Betty had assumed she would return to China as a missionary, but at Moody the continent of Africa came before her, especially the sufferings of lepers. Could she be willing to relinquish all that China meant and consecrate her life to service elsewhere? Her attention had been drawn also to the tall figure of John Stam, whose call to China was clear. The pull in that direction must have been powerful.

Was it to be Africa or China? Marriage or singleness? The testings had to go deeper, as they must for all who set their faces as flint to follow the One who was crucified.

When the call to China had at last been confirmed, Betty Scott was among those who met weekly in the home of Dr. and Mrs. Isaac Page, who were with the China Inland Mission (founded by Hudson Taylor).

Also in the group was John Stam. Never had John preferred one girl above another. He had kept entirely free in heart and outward relations, expecting not only to go to China unmarried but to remain so for at least five years, since he hoped to engage in pioneering evangelistic work.

“God first”

But now he faced a new challenge—that earnest and, to him, distracting member of the prayer group. The startling truth: He loved her. Now what?

We are not told what was said between them, only that, according to their biographer, “Betty, with her pure, sweet nature, did not hide from him that his love might be returned.” She had found in this young man spiritual fellowship, a common missionary vision, a deep unity of heart in the things that mattered most.

The way, however, was not as clear as it might seem. Betty was to graduate a year before John. She had applied to the China Inland Mission and would sail in a few months. John had not yet been accepted by the C.I.M. He could not ask Betty to commit herself to an engagement when his way might not open to follow her to China. And what of the life of an itinerant evangelist? Was it compatible with marriage? Could he ask Betty to wait indefinitely?

Betty pressed forward with her plans, leaving the rest quietly in God’s hands. She was to sail in the fall of 1931, and on her way west she had a day in Chicago. She and John had hours of talk and prayer down by the lake. It was Monday, so together they attended the C.I.M. prayer meeting at the Pages’ that evening. They were to part, perhaps for a very long time. With no formal commitment such a parting was hard. But their watchword was “God first,” and nothing was to supersede that loyalty.

John wrote to his father: “Betty knows that in all fairness and love to her, I cannot ask her to enter into an engagement with years to wait. But we can have a real understanding, keeping the interests of the Lord’s work always first.

“The C.I.M. has appealed for men, single men, to itinerate in sections where it would be almost impossible to take a woman, until more settled work has been commenced. … Sometime ago I promised the Lord that, if fitted for this forward movement, I would gladly go into it, so now I cannot back down without sufficient reason, merely upon personal considerations. If, after we are out a year or two, we find that the Lord’s work would be advanced by our marriage, we need not wait longer.

“From the way I have written, you and Mother might think that I was talking about a cartload of lumber, instead of something that has dug down very deep into our hearts. Betty and I have prayed much about this, and I am sure that, if our sacrifice is unnecessary, the Lord will not let us miss out on any of His blessings. Our hearts are set to do His will. … But this is true, isn’t it, our wishes must not come first? The progress of the Lord’s work is the chief consideration. So there are times when we just have to stop and think hard.”

In God’s hands

In July 1932, all barriers passed, John sailed, third class on the Empress of Japan, for China. He had written to Betty, asking the long-delayed question, hoping for her reply before sailing. It had not come. Doubts tormented him. He was so sure of his love for her—was she not sure of hers for him? Had he honestly desired nothing but the will of God? Was he willing to face life without this loved woman?

Betty had been designated to northern Anhwei but for various reasons had been delayed. Her parents were returning from furlough and asked her to meet them in Shanghai. While there she had to have a tonsillectomy, which kept her at the coast for several weeks. The timing of events was, as always, in God’s hands. The Empress of Japan was rapidly nearing China, with John and his party on board.

The rest need hardly be told. What it meant to John to find that Betty was actually in Shanghai may be imagined. Their joy could not be contained. Nothing now prevented an engagement announcement, and everyone at headquarters seemed to share their happiness.

It was a long year that passed after John and Betty said good-bye in Shanghai. When they met again, it was the eve of their wedding.

“When the morning of October 25, 1933, dawned,” Betty’s mother wrote, “we were all filled with thankfulness that God had so wonderfully answered our prayers about the weather— a perfect day, not a cloud in the sky.

“The bride, on the arm of her father, wore a simple gown of white silk crepe. … On her lips was a sweet, happy smile, while she kept her eyes steadily on the face of the bridegroom. And he, waiting at the altar, had eyes for her alone.”

Captured by Communists

The Stams’ baby, Helen Priscilla, was born on September 11, 1934. In December John and Betty were captured by Chinese Communists, marched half-naked through the village streets, and beheaded. The baby was discovered thirty hours later by Mr. Lo, a pastor. She was lying on the bed, safe and warm in her zippered sleeping bag, apparently none the worse for her long fast. In the bag were an extra nightgown, some diapers, and two five-dollar bills, just enough to provide for the little rescue party, which included young mothers who fed the baby along the way.

Betty Scott Stam’s prayer of irrevocable commitment and consecration, written many years earlier, acquired powerfully striking significance in view of the manner of their death:

Lord, I give up all my own plans and purposes, all my own desires and hopes, and accept Thy will for my life. I give myself, my life, my all, utterly to Thee to be Thine forever. Fill me and seal me with Thy Holy Spirit. Use me as Thou wilt, send me where Thou wilt, work out Thy whole will in my life at any cost, now and forever.

John and Betty Stam, long before they met, had individually made a lifetime decision to follow Christ. Remember her prayer: “I give myself, my life, my all, utterly to Thee to be Thine forever.” Remember the moment at his desk when he handed over his life. Both were now the property of Someone Else.

Their loyalty to Christ was non-negotiable. With the psalmist, each could say, “My heart is steadfast; O God, my heart is steadfast” (Psalm 57:7). A steadfast heart is fixed, fastened, stable. Discovering their love for each other, they made no headlong rush for fulfillment but placed it wholly at God’s disposal. He would always come first in their hearts. A steadfast heart is not prone to fickleness.

The lives of those who are not yet sure of their God are governed by fear, which is the antithesis of faith. The specters of loneliness, rejection, deprivation, unfulfillment, the future, and, in the long run, of death, haunt such lives. “Perhaps God will not be nice to me. He has it in for me. I will always be miserable. If I try to trust God He will let me down. Better to trust a man or a woman, take the risk of fickleness—things might, after all, work out as I want them to.”

Adapted from Quest for Love by Elisabeth Elliot. Used by permission of Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Group, copyright © 1996. All rights to this material are reserved. Materials are not to be distributed to other web locations for retrieval, published in other media, or mirrored at other sites without written permission from Baker Publishing Group.

Model and actress Elizabeth Hurley married wealthy businessman Arun Nayar in an elaborate Indian wedding. The multi-day event included parties, performances, and traditional Indian ceremonies. During the festivities, Hurley changed her outfit at least three times a day, and both bride and groom were involved in the “haldi” (turmeric) ceremony, in which the bride and groom are covered in a paste of turmeric, milk, and cream believed to cleanse and beautify them.

Hours of work and countless dollars were spent to prepare a beautiful elaborate wedding. But throughout the bustling media reports, I didn’t read anything about how Hurley and Nayar prepared for their marriage. During all the external planning to make themselves beautiful and “cleansed,” it seems they forgot the most important part—the internal preparations that make a marriage work.

Both bride and groom are entering their second marriage. What preparations have they made to address the problems in their first relationships? Hurley has a son from a previous relationship; what have they done to solidify the friendship between this young man and his new father?

Maira Oliveira, reporter for the secular publication All Headline News, sums up her feelings about the outward extravagance, “One wedding isn’t enough for Liz Hurley, especially when she’s getting married to her prince charming who can spoil her until they eventually divorce.”

Oliveira’s harsh sarcasm reveals the world’s skepticism of the marriage vows. The news stories reveal more about Hurley’s diamond-crusted sari and honeymoon destination than her efforts to make this marriage last.

The All-American mistake

You won’t find this mistake only in Hollywood. Although most weddings aren’t as elaborate as Hurley’s wedding, we still commonly put so much emphasis on the wedding that we forget about the marriage. The average American wedding costs upwards of $25,000. The decorations, costumes, and hors d’oeuvres look fabulous for one day, but what happens to the relationship once the flowers fade and the cake topper is frozen?

How much stronger would marriages be if we spent our time, money, and energy meeting with mentors, speaking to counselors and pastors, and enacting binding agreements (like a Covenant Marriage license)? What if we spent time cleansing our hearts of bitterness, unforgiveness, and sin, instead of cleansing our skin?

Perhaps it’s time to rethink our perception of weddings and shift the focus from preparations of a spectacular wedding day to preparations for a spectacular lifetime together.

Five steps to preparing for marriage

If you or someone you know is planning a wedding, here are some simple steps to help you prepare for a lasting relationship.

Participate in the book study Preparing for Marriage by David Boehi, Brent Nelson, Jeff Schulte, and Lloyd Shadrach. As an engaged couple, you may find it hard to believe that you will fight during marriage. But there are usually a lot of unanswered questions that can cause conflict, such as, Who is going to take care of the finances? Who is going to wash the clothes and the dishes? Who is going to cook dinner? These might seem like small details, but if you will work these things out before marriage, it will save you a lot of quarrels and hurt. Preparing for Marriage will take you through a study of your relationship, helping you ask the right questions and guiding you with biblical insights.
Meet regularly with a pastor or mentor couple. Experienced married couples have a lot of wisdom to learn from, especially during the pre-married and newly married stages. Throughout your times of meeting together, a mentor couple can identify trouble spots that you will likely deal with in the future, and help you work through those issues. In addition to biblical counseling, a mentor couple and/or pastor can keep you accountable during your engagement period to stay sexually pure all the way up to your wedding day.
Attend a three-day Weekend to Remember® marriage conference. There are basic principles in the Bible that make marriage work, yet most engaged couples don’t know what those principles are. In most cases, the model for marriage is based on the person’s parents or even on his or her own feelings. The Weekend to Remember will teach you the biblical guidelines on how to resolve conflict, understand the different roles of men and women, and keep unity as a couple. It will also explain God’s design for marriage and the central roll that Christ plays in your relationship.
Agree to never use the word “divorce.” Many couples have the idea that if marriage doesn’t work out, they can divorce and marry someone else. But a great marriage depends on your commitment to make your relationship work. By pledging to never use the word “divorce,” you are promising to remove divorce as an option—which means always looking for a way to work things out. This promise not only solidifies the relationship in your own heart, it also builds trust in your spouse, further proving that the words you vowed on your wedding day weren’t just part of a tradition. But you really meant, “Till death do us part.”
Purchase a Covenant Marriage License. This marriage license doesn’t cost any more than a traditional license, but it does give feet to your promises. Although the license does not prevent divorce, it sets into place certain precautions to help you stay together should hardships tear you apart. Those who choose to purchase this license must legally agree to get premarital counseling, pre-divorce counseling, and accept a two-year period before obtaining a no-fault divorce.

These five things won’t guarantee a conflict-free marriage, but they will give you the tools you need to face life together when problems arise. We live in a pressure-filled culture that takes its toll on marriages. As you prepare for your wedding, don’t neglect the most important part—the rest of your lives.

I remember the day my boyfriend, Jim Larmoyeux, broke the news to me that he was going to be transferred to Little Rock, Arkansas. He knew absolutely no one there and had what he thought was a wonderful idea: I could also move to Little Rock and get a new job and a new apartment and we could continue dating.

Great idea? I say it was more like an illusion.

“I can’t afford to move,” I told him. “And I already have a roommate and a job.”

I don’t recall the exact expression on Jim’s face, but “No” was not the answer he wanted.

“Well,” he stammered, “then … do … you … want to get married?”

It didn’t take long for me to answer, because Jim was a lot of fun to be with and a man of integrity. “Yes!”

In retrospect, I think he was shocked by my answer. And years later I’m stunned by my quick reply.

Although my husband and I still laugh about our engagement story, I’m sometimes a bit envious of others’ carefully-planned marriage proposals. In asking colleagues at work about theirs, I discovered some proposals that put a smile on my face and a sigh in my heart:

Eli and Karen

Eli and his girlfriend, Karen, were students at Southwest Texas University. He had just graduated when he decided to pop the big question.

After agreeing to join Eli for breakfast at a restaurant near campus, Karen was surprised when it was closed. Acting disappointed, Eli convinced his girlfriend that a walk through campus would lift her spirits.

As they neared the Student Center, Eli asked Karen to sit with him on a concrete bench. As he talked and shuffled his feet, Karen saw a huge sign hanging on the Student Center: “Karen Sue, will you marry me??”

Karen hurried to the Student Center and checked the box: “Yes”!

Gabe and Nancy

Gabe and Nancy had a long-distance relationship. She was stationed with the Army in Germany, and he had been transferred with the Air Force from Germany to Maryland.

Nancy mentioned in a letter to Gabe that he was her “knight in shining armor.” Gabe made a surprise visit to Germany, and placed eight small signs, spaced out along the edge of a road, that said: Nancy … I … Love … You … Will … You … Marry … Me?

A friend of Nancy’s conspired to drive her down the road with the signs. It didn’t take long for Nancy to spot the unique message. Flabbergasted, she thought, How dare he ask that from 3,000 miles away?

When they reached the last sign, guess who came walking out of the woods? Gabe, dressed as Nancy’s knight in shining armor, complete with shield, sword … and a red rose.

Tom and Anita

When Anita flew to Newport Beach, California, to visit her boyfriend, Tom, one of his roommates picked her up at the airport. The roommate told Anita that she was to go on a scavenger hunt; he dropped her off where the hunt began. Anita walked from store to store, getting clues by purchasing a balloon, an ice cream cone, a toy, etc. The treasure hunt eventually led Anita to Tom. They went together to a nice restaurant for dinner and walked on the beach afterwards.

Tom read a children’s book, The Missing Piece, to Anita as they sat on a park bench, watching the waves crash nearby.

He turned towards Anita, “You are my missing piece. Will you marry me?”

Nate and Marla

Marla and her father were on a scuba diving trip in the Florida Keys when she got the shock of a lifetime. Her boyfriend, Nate, was supposedly in Arkansas. But, on Marla’s second day of scuba diving, Nate made a surprise visit to see her—under the ocean.

At first, Marla didn’t recognize the seemingly strange man swimming underwater near her. He was dressed in scuba diving gear, holding a slate. As she moved closer she recognized Nate and read the words, “Will you marry me?”

She wrote on the slate, “Yes!”

“Now go up so I can kiss my wife to be,” he wrote back.

“We kissed as the waves crashed against us,” Marla says. “Nate thought of everything.”

J.R. and Tammy

André Kole is considered to be one of the world’s greatest illusionists. When J.R. was coordinating Kole’s performance at his church, he had a trick up his own sleeve for his girlfriend, Tammy.

The finale to the evening’s show, attended by more than 700 people, was a guillotine act. J.R. volunteered before the crowd to get into the guillotine. After he was selected, Kole bound J.R.’s hands, put the microphone to the young man’s mouth, and asked if he had one final request.

J.R. nodded. “Tammy, will you marry me?”

Tammy ran onto the stage, “Yes!”

She knew that J.R.’s proposal was no illusion.

Editor’s Note: This is the second of a three-part series. Part one is here and part three is here.

I admit it. I was a skeptic. I didn’t believe that there was a guy out there for me. I felt like Micky Dolenz of the Monkees: “I thought love was only true in fairytales, meant for someone else but not for me … ”

It was a blissful experience. David was everything I had ever dreamed of. We had the same personality, the same quirky sense of humor, the same taste and style. I was in awe that my loving Father had molded us so uniquely to complete a whole.

We started out our relationship right; we knew we wanted Christ to be the center of everything. We studied the Bible together each week, and we even helped each other memorize Scripture. We were well on our way to a healthy relationship between the three of us—David, me, and the Father.

“A nine month engagement will be perfect,” I thought as I gazed at my new diamond glistening in the sun, “not at all the confused, mindless calendar-crunch that everyone else experiences. We have plenty of time.”

Boy, was I wrong!

A few months into the engagement, I found myself running errands during every available moment—find a dress, find another dress and compare prices, schedule a time to meet with bridesmaids, book the church, book the caterer, book the florist, sign up for pre-marital classes…the list never ended!

It wasn’t long before I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into frustration, sadness, and heaviness. The smallest mishaps became annoyances. I began to be more self-conscious and self-centered. I felt the stress and the emotional strain stronger and stronger until I asked myself one day, “What’s wrong with me?”

After all, I was in the middle of seemingly perfect circumstances. Life was good. Why did I feel so empty? I had never been so blessed in all of life, yet I found myself discontent like Solomon, who in all his wealth said, “I have seen all the works which have been done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and striving after wind” (Ecclesiastes 1:14).

Was this what wedding planning was like? What was the purpose of it all? Looking up to heaven, I asked again, “What’s wrong with me, Jesus?”

Jesus? Jesus. It had been such a long time since I had sincerely talked to Him. I had become so wrapped up in the planning of a wedding that I had allowed the blessings to overcome the One who had given them to me.

The emotional strain had become unbearable, but it wasn’t because of circumstances—stress is to be expected while planning a wedding. It was unbearable because I had left behind the One who is my purpose. “For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen” (Romans 11:36).

As little time as I had to plan and prepare for a new life, I realized that I had not included the Father, so some changes had to be made.

The first step David and I took was to begin praying together on a daily basis. Each morning at 6:30, David calls me and we pray over the phone together. We thank the Lord for each other and for the blessings that he has given us, reminding ourselves that He is the One who has blessed us with these things, not ourselves. Just as God told the children of Israel in Deuteronomy 6:10-12:

Then it shall come about when the Lord your God brings you into the land which He swore to your fathers … to give you great and splendid cities which you did not build, and houses full of all good things which you did not fill, … vineyards and olive trees which you did not plant, and you eat and are satisfied, then watch yourself, that you do not forget the Lord who brought you from the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery.

Second, we have learned the importance of making time for Bible study once a week. I have a calendar that we use for all of our appointments. Each week, I pencil in one night for us to have Bible study together, and I treat it like any other appointment. If something comes up to interfere with that time, we find a way to reschedule the new appointment or work around our Bible study.

These times are not only important for spiritual growth, but they are also an important part of connection for us as a couple. I learn more about David during our times of Bible study than during any other conversation, especially since most of our conversations these days have to do with wedding plans or other planning details. Studying the Scripture and going through a Bible study spur deeper conversation and help us to open up to each other on a deeper level.

Finally, we put more emphasis on personal growth. It is good to grow spiritually as a couple, but in order to experience that personal relationship with Jesus, it must be just that—personal. Even though my desire is to spend hours in Bible study and in prayer, my responsibilities at this time do not permit me that luxury, so I have to find ways to remain in communion with the Father, despite the madness of planning a wedding and combining two lives.

One thing I found helpful is to turn off the radio on the way to work and sing worship songs instead. Prayer is another activity I often do while driving. At work, I whisper a little prayer here and there, and I keep a box of Scriptures on my desk where I can read and reflect on a “verse of the day.” At times, I get up 15 minutes early and read the Bible or write in a journal.

Making God a priority in the midst of a busy life is important for survival. Ecclesiastes 4:12 says, “A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.” If you feel like your life is unraveling from the stress, then perhaps one of your cords is missing. With Christ in the center, it’s a lot easier to keep things all tied together.

October 2003

Editor’s Note: This is the final article in a three-part series. You can read part one here and part two here.

Our wedding day couldn’t have been more beautiful. The sun was shining, and the breeze was cool. My first waking moments were serene. “It’s my wedding day,” I thought as I enjoyed the sight of the sunrays peaking through the window. Ah … a moment of peace … and then it was over.

For the rest of the day I was fueled by adrenaline rushing through my body. The last minute wedding details seemed endless, and the list of things to remember was a mile long. Don’t forget the rings; don’t forget the marriage license. Even getting dressed was a chore—donning a wedding gown is no easy task!

The day went by in a flash. There were faces, flowers, cameras—no time to be idle. We started with some pictures, went right into the ceremony, and ended with a dance. Before I knew it, I was running down the stairs at the church, heading for the getaway car, and leaving everyone behind. It was over.

My memories of that day can be compared to watching a video in fast-forward. Nine months of meticulous planning seem so long compared to the event-filled five hours of Saturday, September 6. One thing that remains clear in my mind, however, is our vows.

What was so important about this day that caused longtime friends whom I hadn’t seen in years to travel long distances to attend? Why were family members willing to make such sacrifices to make sure everything ran smoothly? Was it all for a 45-minute ceremony, a hug in the receiving line, and a piece of cake?

No, they came to hear us pledge that we would remain husband and wife, “Till death do us part.” In our vows David and I were making a covenant, and they were there to witness and affirm that covenant.

Keeping the marriage covenant—becoming one with another person—requires a conviction that you will sacrifice yourself. Jesus Christ Himself sealed a new covenant between God and man by sacrificing Himself on a cross. Jesus said in Luke 22:19a, 20b, “This is My body which is given for you …This cup which is poured out for you is the new covenant in My blood.”

This same death was used by Paul to describe the perfect example of marriage in the book of Ephesians, ” … as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her … ” (5:24-25, emphasis mine).

Just as Christ died for us that we may be in a covenant with Him, David and I must die to our own fleshly desires so that we may form a covenant with each other, fulfilling our promises to “love, honor, and cherish for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health as long as we both shall live.”

After saying our vows and before lighting the unity candle, David and I took communion together to signify the covenant that we made with each other and with God that day. “This is the blood of Jesus,” the minister whispered as he handed me the cup. That statement pierced my heart, and I sipped the “blood” as tears trickled down my cheeks.

I thought of all the pain Christ endured to be in a covenant with me, and then I thought of all the pain that I inevitably would endure to be in a covenant with David. I would face the pain of broken pride, unmet expectations, and sacrifices for our family that will be made now and in the future.

In a sense, I was witnessing my own death.

It was a bittersweet day. There were tears and there was laughter—tears to lament the passing, or the death, of the past and of life as it were, and laughter to celebrate the birth of two becoming one and hope for the future.

The glory of our wedding day was short-lived. All of the planning is now over—the flowers have wilted, the candles have melted, and the smiling faces have all gone home. But the covenant that we made remains.

So, is marriage worth making a covenant? Is marriage worth giving up of my own life to become one with another person? Is it worth death? Yes! The companionship, the fulfillment, and the everyday reminder of my relationship with Christ are just the beginning of what married life has to offer.

And we have the rest of our lives to grow together, face the world together, and fulfill the covenant that we made on the day we became one.

To introduce a talk, I once showed the classic Walt Disney clip of Snow White singing “Someday My Prince Will Come” to a roomful of college-aged girls. Their response was dramatic. Many raised arms in the air and shouted, “Yes!” Some stood on their chairs with their hands clasped over their hearts. Some whooped. Some cheered. Some hollered. Some pretended to swoon. One or two had tears streaming down their cheeks.

The response when I showed the same clip to a roomful of mostly married middle-aged women, several weeks later, could not have been more different. Most looked disinterested. Many laughed and sneered. Some rolled their eyes. Some shrugged a shoulder and went back to having conversations with their girlfriends. Not one woman pumped her arm and shouted, “Yes!” Not one.

The reactions were telling. The college girls had hearts filled with hope of meeting their Prince Charming and living happily ever after. They eagerly anticipated that marrying Mr. McDreamy would fulfill their desire. The middle-aged women had hearts filled with cynicism because their Prince Charming hadn’t delivered the happily-ever-after ending they had hoped for. Mr. McDreamy had turned into Mr. McDreary and Mr. McDumpy. They had the gut-wrenching suspicion that no one would ever meet the longings of their hearts. The nods, tears, and “yeses” for these women came when I talked about the pain of disappointment. It’s not that their desire had died. It’s just that they were wearied and wounded from all the years of hoping and yearning. They still hadn’t found what they were looking for.

Looking for love

In the Old Testament, the prophet Jeremiah tells the story of a woman desperate for love. As a young bride, she loved her husband—she delighted in him as he delighted in her. Then, her commitment was tested. Other men enticed her with the passion, thrill, and adventure of illicit sex. She took the bait. Lover after lover passed through her arms. With each one, her level of satisfaction decreased, and her level of desperation increased. She ended up so needy and so skilled in the art of pursuing illicit love, that even the most experienced whore could learn new secrets of seduction by observing her tactics. “How well you direct your course to seek love! So that even to wicked women you have taught your ways” (Jeremiah 2:33).

Who is this needy woman? It’s God’s bride, the nation Israel. In Jeremiah’s time, she turned her back on her exclusive devotion to God and made alliances with the surrounding nations, embracing their morals and their gods. She played the whore by forsaking His love and pursuing relationships with them. She looked to them instead of Him to meet her needs. But the meaning of this allegory is much broader than that particular historical situation. It’s also a lesson for women today.

Martin Luther once said, “Whatever your heart clings to and confides in, that is really your god.” Most women yearn to find love in the arms of a man. Their heart yearns for earthly romance more than it yearns for the reality to which it points. Romance—finding their Prince Charming—is the hope they cling to and confide in. Romance is their god. Jeremiah’s narrative portrays their story. It speaks to all of us who “direct our course to seek love”—and who turn to men rather than God to find it. It tells the parable of every woman who feels deep desires, longings, and needs, and tries to fulfill them in the wrong place and in the wrong way.

The tragedy in Jeremiah’s tale is that the woman foolishly turned her back on the true lover who could meet her needs and embraced false lovers, who couldn’t possibly satisfy the desires of her heart. The Lord told His bride that it was as though she had spurned a natural spring of pure, fresh water and sought instead to satisfy her thirst with the stagnant water from a self-made, leaky cistern. He says, “My people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water” (Jeremiah 2:13).

Passages in Jeremiah (2:13, 17:5-8) demonstrate that looking for love the wild way differs substantially from looking for love the wise way. Here are two lists that summarize how:

Looking for love the wild way

She forgets or neglects her relationship with God (“whose heart turns away from the Lord”).
She thinks that a relationship with a man will (or ought to) meet her emotional needs (“trusts in a man and makes flesh her strength”).
Her heart feels lonely and needy (“uninhabited salt land,” “parched places”).
She hacks and digs at the relationship, and makes demands of her man to get him to fill her perceived need (“hew[s] out cisterns for [herself]”).
She demands that the relationship provide her with something it cannot possibly provide (“cisterns that can hold no water”).
Her relationship repeatedly disappoints her (“broken cisterns”).
She feels anxious and afraid when the relationship falters (“fears when heat comes,” “anxious in the year of drought”).
Her heart slowly shrivels and dies (“like a shrub in the desert”).
Her life is spiritually barren and unproductive (“shall not see any good come”).

Looking for love the wise way

She faithfully pursues a relationship with God. (She “trusts in the Lord.” She has not “forsaken” Him.)
She knows that only a relationship with God can meet her deepest needs. She does not depend on men to do this (“whose trust is the Lord”).
Her relationship with God nourishes her spirit (“like a tree planted by water”).
She sends her roots deep into God’s stream to meet her emotional needs. She does not demand emotional satisfaction from people (“sends out its roots by the stream”).
She knows that the Lord will sustain her if a love relationship goes through difficult times or in the absence of such a relationship (“does not fear when heat comes”; “is not anxious in the year of drought”).
Her heart remains alive and grounded in God’s love, regardless of the state of her earthly relationships (“leaves remain green”).
Her life is spiritually fruitful and productive, regardless of the state of her earthly relationships (“does not cease to bear fruit”).

Which way best characterizes the way you look for love? The “Girl-Gone-Wild” puts her trust in man—she looks for some guy to be her savior. She tries to monopolize his time and attention and makes demands to try to get what she wants. The “Girl-Gone-Wise” trusts in the Lord. She has a Savior, so she doesn’t need or expect a guy to meet her deepest needs. She is not desperate for a man. It’s not that she wouldn’t enjoy a healthy relationship. She would. But she draws her identity and strength from a much more reliable source.

Deep-reaching roots

The Girl-Gone-Wise does not “trust in man and make flesh her strength.” Her heart relies on the Lord. She is “like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit” (Jeremiah 17:8).

The image is a powerful one. It’s not that the wise woman never experiences pressure-cooker “heat” in her relationships—or that she never faces a year of relational drought. But she withstands those tough times. She doesn’t get fearful or anxious when they come, because her relationship with the Lord nourishes and sustains her. She doesn’t rely on the cistern. She doesn’t dry up spiritually or emotionally when a man disappoints her. She doesn’t have to hew out cistern after cistern after cistern, desperately trying to find the water she needs. Her roots go deep.

If the love of her life disappoints, betrays, and wounds her—or even if she never marries—she will not dry up. Her leaves will remain green, and she will not cease to lead a spiritually productive and satisfying life. Her well-being does not depend on a man.

Looking to man—to a Prince Charming—to give what only God can supply is an exercise in futility, frustration, and pain. And it can lead farther and farther away from the place where that longing can truly be fulfilled. The Girl-Gone-Wise knows what the deep longing in her spirit is all about. So when she feels needy, she directs her longing and sighing Godward (Psalm 38:9). She understands that only as she delights herself in the Lord, will her needs be met. He is the One who gives her the desires of her heart.

So you’re getting married! Congratulations!

According to the latest research, if you are under the age of 30, there is a 58% chance that you are entering your marriage as a child of divorce. Do you fall into this category?

If you’re wondering what on earth that has to do with the fact that you are getting married, you need to know this: adult children of divorce are much more likely to get divorced themselves than are those who grew up in traditional families. Generally, people whose parents divorced are less optimistic about their own chances for marital bliss, and find it more difficult to fully trust their spouse.

Wait! Before you click over to a more cheerful article, let me assure you that I am not trying to rain on your parade! As a child of divorce myself, I can testify that you can have an incredible marriage, regardless of what the stats say. But you do need to be aware that you are starting at a disadvantage if you have not seen a model of a successful marriage.

At one time I had a very pessimistic view of my own chances for a good marriage. I have so much of both my parents in me, and I feared I was doomed to repeat their mistakes. I learned, though, that history does not have to repeat itself. You can be the one to stop the cycle of divorce and begin a new legacy in your family: one of happiness and harmony. Here are a few ideas to help you in the process.

1. Make peace with your past. When I first became engaged to my wife, I was not on good terms with my father. In fact, we hadn’t spoken in over six months. I didn’t feel I could get married until I had closed the door on my childhood by restoring my relationship with him. Marriage is difficult enough without bringing those kinds of problems in with you.

Some of your relationships may require a much deeper healing than my problems with my dad. We were able to be reconciled, and we now enjoy a vastly improved relationship. Whether or not this is possible for you, make the effort to make peace with your past. Then you will truly be able to make a fresh start with your new spouse.

2. Remember: You are not your parents! I mentioned that I worried about repeating the mistakes of my parents. I was well aware of the cycle of divorce, and sometimes it seemed almost inevitable that I would someday succumb to it. But I learned a very valuable lesson: I am not my parents! Sure, we share many of the same strengths and weaknesses, but I have the power to make different decisions.

The real turning point came when I gave my life to Jesus Christ. I now have His power transforming my character, enabling me to make good decisions, and helping me to love my wife. He has brought me through my past and into a much brighter future.

3. Remember: Your spouse is not your parents, either! On the flip side, it is also very easy to begin to equate our new spouse with our parents. We keep one eye on them at all times, expecting them to commit our parents’ mistakes at any moment. Just like the previous point, this is rooted in our disbelief that a happy marriage is possible. If it’s not me that will mess it up, it will be my spouse!

This is not a good foundation for a successful marriage. One of the essential building blocks of a happy marriage is trust. Just as you are not doomed to repeat your parents’ failures, neither is your spouse. Rather than worrying about what the future holds, pray that God will make you both the kind of spouses that He wants you to be.

4. Learn from your past. It’s been said that those who don’t learn from history are condemned to repeat it. If you don’t want to repeat the mistakes of your parents, learn from them! Where did they go wrong? What decisions, behaviors and beliefs led them down the path of divorce? What protections can you build into your marriage to ensure that you don’t go down that road?

You can also look for good role models. Is there someone you know who has the kind of marriage that you want to have? Maybe it’s your spouse’s parents, a friend or another relative. Observe how they interact, and ask them what their secret is. It is always a good idea to draw on the wisdom of others.

5. Build a better future. Your past shouldn’t dictate who you are, but it should impact who you become. When dealing with past hurts there are two temptations: to wallow in them, or to bury them. In the first case, we get stuck in the past and find ourselves unable to move on. In the latter, we deny the events ever happened and miss out on the learning experience.

The Bible tells us, “suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us” (Rom. 5:3-4). There is no doubt that your parents’ divorce has caused you to suffer. The key is to allow God to use that suffering to shape your character and to give you hope: hope for a brighter future and a blissful marriage!

You can do this by giving God control over your life and marriage. Pray this prayer and allow God to transform your hurts into hope.

Dear God, thank You for being with me as I went through my parents’ divorce. And thank You for Your promise that You will use this experience to bring about good in my life. I give You control of my life and I pray that You will cause me to grow into the person and the spouse that You want me to be. Help us to break the cycle of divorce and start a new legacy of hope for our family. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

The following story expresses how Barbara and I feel many days:

My husband works a night shift, while I work days. Thus our cars always pass going in opposite directions on a street just a few miles from our house. When we pass, we both yell, “I love you!” One day, after our rush-hour rendezvous, a man who had obviously witnessed this scene several times pulled up beside me at a stoplight. “Hey, lady,” he said, “you two seem to like the looks of each other pretty well. Why don’t you stop and introduce yourselves sometime?”

Loneliness. It’s been around since the beginning of man and woman’s creation. But it seems to be gaining momentum as we race into the next century on a sphere teeming with five billion-plus inhabitants. A veteran member of the Billy Graham Crusade team told me recently that the number one need that Dr. Graham speaks on is loneliness.

The soul was not created to live in solo. We yearn for intimacy. And marriage is where most people hope they’ll find it. The tragedy is that few couples achieve it. Some experience intimacy to a degree, but for many, marriage becomes what Woody Allen cynically described as “the death of hope.”

Throughout our culture symbols of isolation can be found. Here are a few I’ve observed in different marriages over the years.

Symbol #1: “No trespassing”

Paul and Michelle’s marriage has steadily grown during their 25 years together. They communicate well and have worked through several difficult problems. They are relaxed around one another and are considered by many to have a model marriage.

But over the years they have become alienated from one another because of an unsatisfying sex life. Too proud to seek counsel, they find they can’t discuss the subject anymore—the area is declared off limits—and “NO TRESPASSING” signs now replace welcome mats. That is marital isolation.

Symbol #2: A ticking clock

Near retirement, Ben and Mary have raised their family and now they are proud of their new grandchildren. Their marriage of 35 years has withstood time. But neither of them recognizes the silence that has crept into their relationship. And isolation into their marriage.

Their children know about it, though. Growing up, they felt the loneliness between their parents at points of unresolved conflict and misunderstanding. They saw Dad give his life to his job and Mom pour her life into the kids. And now, when they come to visit, it’s evident there isn’t much of a relationship left.

Instead, the silence in their home is broken only by the occasional squeak of a rocking chair and the tick, tick, tick of a clock.

Symbol #3: Crowded calendar

Steve and Angela are both aggressive professionals, actively involved in civic responsibilities and their church. But ever since they started their family, they’ve noticed a difference in their marriage.

Those walks and late-night talks that they used to enjoy have disappeared. They’re too whipped—they now live for the weekends. Fatigue is taking its toll and has left little energy for romance.

With their children adding their own set of escalating “priorities,” they feel even more pried apart by their driving lifestyles. Their lives only touch at points—when their paths cross. They live in marital isolation

Symbol #4: Locked doors

Bill and Teresa have only been married for six months, but they have already hurt each other deeply. The dream and hope of intimacy is already fading in the darkness behind locked doors where they have withdrawn.

Bill was able to open up during their engagement, but now he finds it difficult to share his feelings. He feels trapped within the limitations of his personality. Teresa craves intimacy and desperately wants to be his partner in life. She can’t get in and he won’t come out. They live in isolation in marriage.

Symbol #5: Excess baggage

Because both Bob and Jan came from broken homes, they were determined their marriage would be different. But although they have talked many times, neither has grasped the impact their parents’ divorces had on them.

Without a good marriage model embedded in their minds, they make great progress in their marriage but are unaware of how much excess baggage both really carry. Fear, anger, and a feeling of worthlessness all surface occasionally, but they are quickly stuffed into overloaded bags. The result is marital isolation.

Symbol #6: The TV dinner

Walter and Jeanne both work some distance from their suburban home, so when they arrive home they have fought rush-hour traffic after a long workday. Both become mesmerized by a steady diet of TV dinners or take-out food, eaten during the evening news and digested with the weekly sitcoms. Without realizing it they are beginning to shut one another out of their lives.

Their five-year marriage isn’t in trouble, but later after they start having children she’ll feel she’s become a widow to a seasonal selection of football, baseball, and basketball, not to mention his hobbies of golf, fishing, and hunting. She’s lonely. And he doesn’t even know it. There’s is a marriage of isolation.

Symbol #7: A divided highway

Sue and Tim are in their 18th year of marriage and it looks great to all on the outside. But they are going in different directions while attempting to raise their children.

One is too lenient—the other too strict. One is a perfectionist; the other is not. One tends to be critical, the other too patient.

Now that their kids are teenagers, intimacy is even more difficult to achieve. She is caught up in all the emotional struggles of their two emerging adults and he secretly resents how much their needs tug and pull at their marriage. There’s a growing distance between them. Marital isolation.

Symbol #8: Blueprints

When Robert and Sherry were engaged, they spent hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars preparing for their marriage ceremony. But neither spent much time preparing to make their marriage work.

Bliss turned to burden as they struggled through everything from how to handle finances to how to spend a Saturday afternoon. They had no idea when they married that crisis after crisis would come their way—a lost job, poor health, a financial setback, and the loss of their parents. Now they are both lonely, and although neither has told the other, secretly they wonder if their marriage is going to make it. It’s another marriage lived in isolation.

As it did for these married couples, isolation starts when husband and wife slowly drift apart in ways they don’t even recognize at first. Signs of isolation include the following:

A feeling that your spouse isn’t hearing you and doesn’t want to understand.
An attitude of, “Who cares?” “Why try?” “Tomorrow we’ll talk about it—let’s just get some sleep.”
A feeling of being unable to please or meet the expectations of your spouse.
A sense that he’s detached from you.
A feeling that she’s going her own way.
A refusal to cope with what’s really wrong: “That’s your problem, not mine.”
A feeling that keeping the peace by avoiding the conflict is better than the pain of dealing with reality.

Overcoming your isolation

Every day each partner in a marriage makes choices that result in oneness or in isolation. Make the right choices and you will know love, warmth, acceptance and the freedom of true intimacy and genuine oneness as man and wife. Make the wrong choices and you will know the quiet desperation of living together but never really touching one another deeply.

Why not take an evening this week and look back over the eight “symbols of isolation” that I’ve outlined. Then together see if any describe your marriage. Interact over these questions:

Where is isolation occurring in our relationship?
What one step do we need to take to defeat isolation and ensure intimacy?

Healthy leadership coalitions bolster the influence of the leaders in businesses and in families. When parents align to support each other, they lead from a position of unity. In blended families, sometimes unhealthy coalitions form when a parent and child align against the stepparent.

This often occurs when the stepparent becomes jealous of the close relationship a child has with the biological parent, and blames the child for infiltrating the marriage. This causes tension between the stepparent and stepchild, which unintentionally bolsters the alliance that child has with his natural parent. Then the twosome begin to justify their actions against the “common enemy” stepparent who is fighting to be part of the parenting coalition.

It actually isn’t a parent’s closeness to the child that makes this dynamic dangerous. Parents are meant to have strong, supportive relationships with their children. But when this relationship excludes the stepparent from authority and leadership within the home, things begin to fall apart.

For example, Carter felt that his wife’s relationship with her son left no room for him. “Please tell parents to put their spouse first in parenting,” he said. “It’s too late for us, but others need to know how destructive it is to side with their child all the time.”

Carter constantly felt undercut by his wife’s relationship with her son. After years of hoping it would change, he found himself looking for a way out of the marriage. An unhealthy coalition had won to the detriment of the marriage and family.

Between a rock and a hard place

But what are parents to do? On the surface it sounds as if they are supposed to just “side with the stepparent” in all circumstances. But what if they have a legitimate concern for their child that keeps pushing them to defend the child? What if they agree with the stepparent, but see defeat in the eyes of their child in the process?

Essentially the biological parent’s options are to:

Stay out of the conflict completely.
Take protective or supportive action in regard to the child.
Support their spouse in all situations.
Mediate the relationship between the other two, hoping to find the magic bullet solution that will make everyone happy. (This rarely works and usually leaves a parent emotionally exhausted and feeling like a failure.)

The best answer is “all the above.”

Biological parents who find themselves caught between their spouse and their child should step out of the conflict as often as possible. Getting triangled in someone else’s conflict usually keeps the two other parties at war, rather than finding peace. Although there will be times to step in, generally trust the warring parties to resolve their conflict themselves.

TAKING ACTION

Stay out of the conflict unless you have to step in. Extreme behaviors (e.g., intimidation or violence) or prolonged hostility call for you to step in. Short of that, don’t play therapist.
If you feel the need to support your child to the stepparent (your spouse), talk to your spouse in private. Correcting your spouse in front of your child only bolsters his/her disrespect and the stepparent’s sense of betrayal.
If you want to side with your spouse, stand beside her when talking to your child. At the same time you are aligning yourself physically with your spouse, communicate your love to your child and your compassion for his frustration. Your child may be offended that you aren’t defending him, but that doesn’t mean you are doing the wrong thing.
Don’t keep secrets from your spouse. Secrets form covert coalitions that undermine the marriage.
In all things, communicate frequently and often with your spouse. Strive for unity of spirit as you deal with stressful circumstances.

Whether you realize it or not, your stepfamily has likely assumed a specific integration style. By that, I mean a set of assumptions about how your stepfamily ‘ought’ to come together. I like to use cooking as an analogy to identify some integration styles that stepfamilies attempt to utilize. Let’s start with the ones that generally don’t work.

What’s your style?

Blender. This mentality assumes all ingredients can be whipped together into one smooth mixture. I’m sure you’re aware that the most common term used to refer to the stepfamily is “blended family.” But those of us who specialize in stepfamily therapy and education do not use the term “blended family” simply because most stepfamilies do not blend–and if they do, someone usually gets creamed in the process! When cooking, blending is a process by which you combine ingredients into one fluid mixture: think of a fruit smoothie or a cream soup. Rarely can it be said that a stepfamily becomes ‘one’ in a relational sense. More realistic is a process by which the various parts integrate, or come into contact with one another, much like a casserole of distinct parts.

It is quite normal for a stepparent to have close bonds with one stepchild, be working on bonds with another, while experiencing a distant relationship with an older child. Relationships will be different within the same stepfamily, not one fluid mixture.

Food processor. These stepfamilies chop up one another’s history and attempt to instantly combine all ingredients with rapid speed. When love doesn’t occur right away, people are left feeling torn to pieces; no one remains whole.

A classic example of this mentality is the adult who demands that the stepchildren call their stepparent “daddy” or “mommy.” It is as if the child is told, “We’ve chopped up your real dad and thrown him to the side. This is your new dad.” Some parents actually think their children will buy that.

Microwave. These families refuse to be defined as a stepfamily and seek to heat the ingredients in rapid fashion so as to become a ‘nuke-lier’ family (pun intended). They avoid labels like stepfamily and the implication that they are different from any other family. People tell me they resent being called a stepfamily, because it makes them feel second-rate. There is nothing inherently wrong with being a stepfamily; it is neither better nor worse than other family types, just different.

Let me emphasize this point. No matter how desperately you may want your stepfamily to be like a biological family, it simply cannot be. It is true that every stepfamily has aspects that are reflective of biological families. But every stepfamily also has unique characteristics that differ from biological families. Some parts function the same; some don’t.

A major barrier to healthy stepfamily adjustment is a parenting team that denies this reality. Consciously or unconsciously, people often try to make their home to be just like their family of origin or their first family–only better. “After all,” someone might say, “the Brady Bunch did it. Why can’t we?”

Coming to accept your family’s unique challenges and opportunities is a tremendous first step to finding creative solutions to your dilemmas. If you refuse to admit a difference, you inadvertently shut off your ability to learn new, more effective ways of relating.

Pressure cooker. This family cooking style results in ingredients and spices (that is, rituals, values, and preferences) being put under pressure to meld together completely. The family is under great duress, and since expectations are so high, the lid often blows off the pot.

An example of the pressure cooker mentality is when stepfamilies assume that the answer to every conflict in holiday ritual is to combine the traditions. It’s important that stepfamilies understand that combining rituals works sometimes, but pressuring people to be okay with the combination can sabotage the results. An example of the trouble this creates can be illustrated by the following example. Paul and his children developed a meaningful Christmas tradition in which each person opened one gift on Christmas Eve and the remaining gifts the following morning. However, his new wife, Sharon, and her children held the tradition of opening all the gifts Christmas morning after a special breakfast. In a panic, Paul called a few weeks before their second Christmas together. “I’m dreading Christmas this year. Last year Sharon and I combined our holiday traditions and it was disastrous. To honor my family, we had all the children open a gift Christmas Eve, and to honor Sharon’s family we had breakfast and opened the remaining gifts. But no one liked the outcome. Everyone acted as if we were at a funeral instead of a celebration, and eventually Sharon and I ended up in a fight that lasted through New Year’s Day. What are we supposed to do this year–go to our separate corners and pray no one throws a punch?” Finding what works during the holidays sometimes takes trial and error; but pressuring people toward acceptance only leads to error.

Tossed. Like a salad, this style throws each ingredient into the air with no consideration as to where it might fall. The ingredients keep some of their integrity, yet are expected to fit together with the other pieces. Examples of this style can be subtle or extreme.

When one child is spending time at their other home, remaining children often believe they can play with the absent child’s toys or belongings. Children should be taught that even though someone is temporarily away from one home, the absentee’s stuff is not free game. Respecting one another’s possessions is important because it teaches people to honor others; it also communicates belonging to the child who is spending time at the other home. “You may be at your dad’s house, but you still have a place here.”

Culinary insights

So if all of these integration styles are generally not helpful, what style should be used? I recommend a crockpot cooking style. Stepfamilies choosing this style understand that time and low heat make for an effective combination. Ingredients are thrown together in the same pot, but each is left intact, giving affirmation to its unique origin and characteristics. Slowly and with much intention, the low-level heat brings the ingredients into contact with one another. As the juices begin to flow together, imperfections are purified, and the beneficial, desirable qualities of each ingredient are added to the taste. The result is a dish of delectable flavor made up of different ingredients that give of themselves to produce a wondrous creation.

The key to crockpot stepfamilies is time and low heat. I’ve already stressed the importance of being patient with the integration process and not trying to force love, care, or togetherness. Often, in an attempt to quickly combine various ingredients such as people, rituals, and backgrounds, stepfamilies use the food processor, microwave, pressure cooker, and blender integration styles. Such an effort almost always backfires, bringing a backlash of anger and resentment.

Stepfamilies need time to adjust to new living conditions, new parenting styles, rules, and responsibilities. They need time to experience one another and develop trust, commitment, and a shared history. They need time to find a sense of belonging and an identity as a family unit. None of these things can be rushed. Adults who are trying to prove to their parents, friends, church, minister, or themselves that their remarriage decision was right for everyone, push their family to “blend” quickly. But they are often greatly disappointed and feel like failures. A slow-cooking mentality invites you to relax in the moment and enjoy the small steps your stepfamily is making toward integration, rather than pressuring family members to move ahead.

Cooking with low heat refers to your gradual, intentional efforts to bring the parts together. It is working smarter, not harder. Let’s contrast some crockpot approaches to the examples of what not to do.

As a crockpot stepfather, you don’t worry excessively about why you’re not immediately bonding with your teenage stepdaughter. Slow-cooking stepparents understand the cardinal rule of relationship development with stepchildren: Let the stepchild set the pace for the relationship. If the child is receiving of you, then openly return the child’s affections. If she remains distant or standoffish, find ways of managing rules and getting through life. But don’t insist a child automatically accept your authority or physical affection.

The food processor adults have a similar struggle. They want the children to refer to their new stepparent with a term of endearment. When this doesn’t happen naturally, the food processor parents demand they do so. But a crockpot adult would understand that a stepparent can be “daddy” to his youngest stepchild, “James” to his next oldest, and “Mr. James” to the teenager. crockpot stepfamilies recognize the emotional and psychological attachment children have to biological parents and don’t force them to change those attachments.

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And Paul, the pressure cooker stepfather who finally turns to the crockpot method, would encourage his stepfamily to develop an entirely new Christmas tradition. He and his wife, for example, might have a series of family meetings with the children to discuss their preferences and wants. It may be that they decide on an entirely new tradition to honor each family’s history by alternating how gifts are opened, or they may decide to let each parent and their children keep their own tradition.

A watched pot never boils

This last idea refers to mini-family activities. Early in a stepfamily’s integration process it can be helpful to maintain separate family traditions and rituals by giving parents permission to spend time with their children without the step relations present. Stepparents need to give their new spouse and stepchildren time to be alone, without intrusion. The biological parent can play games with her children, while the stepparent enjoys a personal hobby or goes shopping with his children. Such a mini-family activity helps children get uninterrupted time with their biological parent and siblings, honoring their need for attention from the ones they love most. It also affirms to children that they have not completely lost access to their parent.

Troy and Meredith called me with a typical integration struggle–what to do with free time on Saturday afternoons. Prior to the remarriage, Troy and his children–Josh, eleven, and Emily, nine, enjoyed spending their Saturdays together. Whether miniature golfing, playing softball with friends, or riding bikes in the park, their priority was doing something together. Meredith and her sons–Terry, thirteen, and Joe, eight, had a different preference for free time. They valued independent time away from each other so each could pursue his or her particular interests. Meredith considered it her “down time” to relax and read a good book, Terry enjoyed playing with friends, while Joe mastered his latest computer game.

At the time they called, Troy and Meredith had tried everything they could to create a “blended family.” They challenged one another and the kids to take turns spending their Saturdays doing activities together or apart. One week they would all go miniature golfing only to discover that Meredith’s kids complained they were missing out on their fun. Joe would then pester Emily when he got bored, quickly turning the outings into arguments. First the kids would whine and complain, and then Troy would suggest to Meredith that she needed to better control her son. She would feel attacked and defensive about her parenting and resent Troy’s “controlling” behavior.

The next week they would try to let everyone experience the joys of “doing your own thing.” But inevitably one of Troy’s children would try to join Meredith’s children in some activity, resulting in arguments and slamming doors.

“We’ve tried everything,” they insisted.

“No,” I responded, “you’ve just tried many cooking styles, hoping to create a biological family that does everything together. What you need to do is back off, and honor one another’s past by spending time with your kids doing what you like most.”

“You mean he should go golfing with his kids while the boys and I do separate things? That wouldn’t be a family afternoon at all,” Meredith challenged.

My response was sobering. “Yes it would. It would be a stepfamily afternoon.” I went on to explain that pressuring the various ingredients to blend was blowing the lid off the pot. Troy and Meredith needed to accept their family as different so they could discover a creative solution. Mini-family activities might not feel like a good solution because they were trying to steer their family as they would a biological family. Accepting their stepfamily as one in the integration process would help them to see that for now, this was the best solution. After cooking a little longer–giving the family time to come together–another solution might become more appropriate.

Unrealistic expectations often set couples up to overcook their stepfamily. Trying to force, pressure, or quickly cook the ingredients of your home will likely result in a spoiled dish. But stepping down your expectations and giving your stepfamily time to cook slowly will make integration more likely in the long run.

Would you like to revolutionize your marriage? Then try starting with a little repentance. It’s amazing how much healing can occur between a husband and a wife when 10 little words are said: “I am so sorry for what I did. I repent!”

As we grow as believers in Jesus Christ and become surrounded by more and more Christians, it’s easy to put on a façade. Often we aren’t willing to admit where we are spiritually because we’ve become skilled at hiding our weaknesses.

But for Christian husbands and wives who want a strong marriage, there comes a time when we have to own up and be honest about ourselves. Will we live our lives bare before the Lord? Will we open ourselves up to our spouses? If so, then we need to learn how to be repentant.

Face-to-face with sin

If you are looking for an example of repentance, go no further than 2 Samuel 12. You probably know the story. The prophet Nathan came to King David to confront him about committing adultery and murder. Nathan told David about two men who lived in the same city. One was rich and had a large number of sheep and cattle. The other had only one little female lamb that he treated as a member of his family. The rich man took the poor man’s lamb to use as a meal.

“As surely as God lives,” David said to Nathan, “the man who did this ought to be lynched! He must repay for the lamb four times over for his crime and his stinginess!”

Then Nathan stunned David with his reply: “You’re the man!” (2 Samuel 12:5-7, The Message).

It’s interesting that David had a lot of self-righteousness when it came to somebody else’s sin. But when he realized that he was the man who had sinned, he begged for mercy.

After finally coming face-to-face with his sin of adultery, David penned Psalm 51. It begins, “Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love, according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. … cleanse me from my sin! … Against you, you only, have I sinned …”

David was far more than sorrowful for his sin. He was repentant.

Psalm 51 gives us a picture of what genuine repentance looks like. Applying it to marriage, here are three characteristics of a repentant spouse:

1. A repentant spouse trusts the character of God. In Psalm 51 David says, in essence, “God, I know I’ve messed up beyond the worst level of messing up. What I need is the God who will deal with me based on His commitment to covenant, not my failure of the covenant.” Twice he mentions God’s merciful character. “Have mercy on me, O God,” he pleads.

It’s important to trust the character of God before you focus on your sin. If you focus on your sin first, you’ll get depressed. You’ll get frustrated. You’ll feel locked in. But if you put your mind on the character of God, then you’ll have encouragement to deal with your sin.

We need the gospel, not self-righteousness. We need to submit ourselves to the beauty of the character of God so that Christ’s righteousness can cover our sin and deal with it.

How does this look in marriage? If you and your spouse mention your sin to each other all the time, then all you’re going to do is argue. “Well, you sinned against me!” … “No, you sinned against me!” But if you focus on God’s mercy, looking at all God has done for you, then the situation seems very different.

A deeply-repentant spouse first sees the attributes of God: His mercy, love, grace, long-suffering, spirituality, omniscience, omnipresence. When God’s attributes permeate your relationship with your spouse, your mind will be more on the Lord and your marriage. You won’t just be focusing on the faults of your spouse, and you’ll be better equipped to deal with your sin.

2. A repentant spouse owns the extent of his or her sin. David says, “I know my transgressions.” Now, the word here for “know” means to be acquainted with something intimately. When he says, “I know my sin,” that means he is able to absolutely, unadulteratedly acknowledge what he did. One of the most authentic and powerful things Christians can do is own their sin. You can’t even get saved until you do that.

If you want a godly marriage, you better get used to learning how to repent. I fight with it every day myself. I have to fight self-righteousness! I have to fight not wanting to acknowledge stuff. I have to fight unforgiveness and anger.

In Psalm 51, David not only talked about knowing his sin, but also said that God would be justified in saying to him whatever He wanted to. “Against You, and You only, have I sinned and have done what is evil in Your sight, so that You may be justified in Your words.”

David didn’t waste a lot of words when he admitted that he had sinned against the Lord. How often have you presented a paragraph of information to your spouse explaining why you have sinned? David didn’t do that. He owned his sin. Likewise, in marriage we need to face up to our individual offenses.

3. A repentant spouse yearns for long-term transformation. Just look at what David says in Psalm 51:6, “Behold, You delight in truth in the inward being…and teach me wisdom in the secret heart.”

When David says “delight,” he is talking about what God likes inside of His people. He is saying to God, “You desire the places that I’ve closed off from You to be reopened in my life, for You to deal with.” In this passage David is getting beyond the sin of adultery and getting to the heart that led to adultery.

Jesus Christ did not die on the cross so that we would have the same old, nasty, funky, trifling, hard heart in our marriages. He says in Ezekiel 36:24-28 (The Message): “… I’ll give you a new heart, put a new spirit in you. I’ll remove the stone heart from your body and replace it with a heart that’s God-willed, not self-willed. I’ll put my Spirit in you and make it possible for you to do what I tell you and live by my commands. …”

Whiter than snow

No matter where we are in life, each of us is in desperate need of the cross of Christ. And that’s what David expresses in Psalm 51:7, “Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean. Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.”

The gospel gives freedom to our lives and to our marriages. Jesus has already paid for our sins. He gives us the ability to look into our spouse’s eyes and say, “I am so sorry for what I did. I repent!”

“As I look back on my childhood, it is obvious that my mother was a firm believer in the value of household chores. My sister, Dee Dee, and I cleaned up the kitchen every night after dinner. We were assigned weekly tasks—like dusting and vacuuming—to be completed on Saturdays. We were expected to make up our beds and keep our bedrooms clean. And then Mom found other seasonal chores to give us—weeding, raking leaves, sweeping the deck, and more.”

As a child do you think I shared my mother’s belief in the value of chores? Of course not! I grumbled and complained and whined. But I did them.

In fact, I still help with housework. And for that my wife, Merry, is very grateful … to my mom. I’ve heard her say many times to friends, “I’m fortunate that my husband had a mom who made him work around the house.”

Does that make me unusual? I don’t think so. One recent survey released by the Council for Contemporary Families found that men’s contributions in the home had increased almost threefold in the last four decades.

Despite this, the question of “Who does the housework?” is a big issue in many marriages today. For years surveys have shown that wives typically do much more of the housework than husbands, even when both are employed full-time. A 2007 survey by the Pew Research Center indicated that 62 percent of Americans ranked “sharing household chores” as “very important for a successful marriage”—a big jump from the 47 percent who answered the same way in 1990. Sharing housework ranked higher than factors such as adequate income, shared religious beliefs, and children.

“I do all the housework …”

I caught a glimpse of how hot this issue is in many marriages when I wrote on this issue in FamilyLife’s weekly e-newsletter, Marriage Memo. I asked readers to write and tell me what they did to divide housework in their family, and I received 85 emails just in the first day.
Some of the letters spoke of the conflict and bitterness many wives experience when their husbands don’t help. “I do all the housework or it would not get done,” one wife wrote.

Another wife said:

We have had a constant battle with housework … To this day I feel like he just doesn’t hear me or understand how much work I do. It has gotten to the point that either I divorce him for it or come to terms with the fact he won’t help out. I feel like I have lost the battle … The only thing he does is go to work. And don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that. But I go to work too and do everything else. Including all the finances, yardwork, laundry, dishes, cleaning, kid activities. I have kids and they do their share but no help from my husband. HELP.

(So far I have not received any letters from husbands complaining that their wives don’t help with household responsibilities.)

I think this is one of those “where the rubber meets the road” areas of marriage. Our choices about housework are influenced by the culture (both past and present), our childhood training, parental models, our personalities, our understanding of God’s plan for how to relate to one another in marriage, and our own selfish natures.

Put all these factors together, and you end up with a muddy mixture of thoughts, feelings, convictions, and priorities. Then add your mud to your spouse’s mud, and somehow you come up with decisions about who cleans the dishes, who vacuums the floor, and who pulls weeds in the garden.

What do the Scriptures say?

The Bible does provide some general guidance in its passages about the roles and responsibilities of husbands and wives. Husbands, for example, are called to be “head of the wife, as Christ also is head of the church” and to “love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:23, 25). They are to manage their households well (1 Timothy 3:4) and provide for their families (1 Timothy 5:8). Responsibilities for wives include being “subject to their husbands, as to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22), and being “workers at home” (Titus 2:3-5), and maintaining a proper focus on the needs of her household (Proverbs 31:27).

What I notice about these passages is that they speak mostly about how a husband and wife are to relate to each other. They leave a lot of room for flexibility for decisions about household work. Sometimes I wonder if those who set hard-nosed rules about what represents “men’s work” and “women’s work” are influenced by habit and by cultural tradition more than they are by honest application of scriptural principles.

One theme that came through loud and clear in many of the emails I received is that a marriage thrives when both husband and wife seek to love and serve each other. Chad Donley wrote in his e-mail, “I see helping in the housework as one of the easiest and most tangible ways to serve my wife. Anything to lessen her burden.”

Bryan Donovan added, “As the man, my primary responsibility is love. I have found that my wife receives a great deal of love when I contribute to chores. Particularly the chores that she hates to do. As the man, I bite the bullet, and do the chores I don’t like to do for my wife in love. This has been a very successful way for me to shower love on my wife. I confess that this has been a struggle for me to be consistent (when is fighting selfishness not a struggle?) but I work hard, and rely on the grace of God and my wife.”

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Does the 50/50 plan work?

We often hear in our culture that marriage should be a “50/50” relationship, where each spouse strives to do his share. As FamilyLife says in its Weekend to Remember® marriage getaways, one big problem with this belief is that it’s impossible to know when your spouse has met you halfway. This is especially true with housework. As Elisha Page wrote in an e-mail. “I believe that there is no way to split anything down the middle as far as housework goes.”

Marriage works when you adopt a “100/100” philosophy, where each of you—as a practical demonstration of your love—is willing to serve the other. “God has blessed me with a very loving husband who does not see that there is a division for the daily upkeep of ourhome,” wrote Mandy Norman. “I am a stay-at-home mom now, but my husband has always helped with domestic duties … My husband is usually the one who cleans the kitchen up after dinner while I finish feeding and cleaning our small children from dinner. If he finds a pile of laundry sitting on the bed, he will help fold and put them away. We are on the same team; there is no place for ‘your job’ or ‘my job.’ It’s ‘our job.’ I cannot end this without saying that my husband has truly mastered the art of loving and serving as the Bible says in Ephesians 5. He daily looks for ways to ease my stress and help my day be brighter.”

Applying the 100/100 philosophy

So how can we uphold what the Bible says about marital relationships and make good decisions—as a team—about housework? Here are a few practical suggestions:

1. Make a list of all the work required to keep your home and family working. Include all the household tasks, including cleaning, cooking, ironing, yard work, repairs, grocery shopping, paying bills, etc. If you have children, list all your parenting responsibilities as well. (Some wives report that, when they look at the big picture, they are surprised to learn that their husbands do more than they realized to help with household and parenting responsibilities.)

2. Discuss who does different tasks the best and who enjoys certain tasks, and match those with your schedule.You may end up still dividing many tasks according to traditional gender expectations, or you may come up with something more creative. I liked the letter from Venita Davis, who obviously had talked through these issues well with her husband:

My husband and I divided up our domestic chores based on who was better at doing them. For example, typically women do the laundry, but when we got married, we found out he was better at it than I was so laundry became his chore. But he generally doesn’t have the “sit still long enough” to fold the clothes, so I tackle that chore. I cook, but he cleans the kitchen afterwards. He loads the dishwasher, but I empty it (this is also helpful to keep dear husband from putting things in the “wrong” place). As the leader of our household, he sets the goals and vision for the family while I manage the budget to support it. We have a tandem approach at tackling chores focused on our strengths and tolerance levels.

We also divide chores based on consideration and love for each other. When I went back to work outside the home, it was increasingly difficult for me to come home after battling traffic, cook from scratch every night, and still find time to exercise and relax. So my dear husband, as a good and loving leader, decided a couple nights a week either he would cook or pick something up.

3. Train your children to help. They can help relieve a lot of pressure, and chores are an important part of character training. Many parents are lazy in this area—rather than take the time and effort to train their kids to work, they just do it all themselves. They’re missing a great opportunity.

4. Set realistic standards and priorities together for your home. Consider your season of life, your personality, your lifestyle. My wife, Merry, and I decided long ago that we generally wanted a clean and orderly home, but we would not worry when things get a bit messy. This means that sometimes housework is put aside when we’ve got other priorities—like time spent with family.
Reader Laura Pearson echoed this philosophy when she advised, “aim for balance and evaluate these chores in the light of the big picture. What’s more important: a spotless house or memories made? Doesn’t mean you should always play—a healthy balance between work and play ensures everyone has a chance to get their needs met.”

5. Be willing to step in and do all the work when it’s necessary. Life always offers interruptions that require flexibility and sacrifice. One of you may be sick, or laid up with an ongoing health problem, or required to spend extra hours completing a project at work. When Merry was pregnant with our second daughter, for several months she suffered from constant nausea. She could hardly do anything, which meant that for that period I did everything. I still remember cooking Thanksgiving dinner for her and our infant daughter, Bethany. Merry was too sick to eat, and Bethany wasn’t hungry for turkey and mashed potatoes, so I got to eat our Thanksgiving meal alone that year!

6. Never forget to express your appreciation to each other. Alexis McQuown says it best: “I don’t think that there has been a meal yet where [my husband] hasn’t thanked me for preparing it … and he verbally thanks me for all of the other chores I do, like having his work uniforms clean and folded or cleaning out his lunch pail—the little things. And a big thing he is doing is teaching our child to do the same. My heart melts when my husband gives my son a subtle reminder: ‘Josiah, did you thank Mommy for your meal?’ When my 2-year-old looks at me and says ‘Thanks, Mommy, for my food,’ is there really anything else that needs to be said or done? I am so appreciative that my husband is leaving a lasting legacy of respect for women with my boys.”

“… The love and team work I have seen in my family this past year is remarkable.”

I think my favorite email came from Genevieve Vaughn, who wrote that the Marriage Memoon housework provoked a great discussion with her family at the dinner table. She said her 10-year-old said, “It is definitely Mom who does all the chores.” But Genevieve reminded her family what they had done over the last year. While she and her husband were building a new home themselves, she was diagnosed with cancer. The entire family stepped in to fill the gap:

I have watched my husband and children take over much of my role as a homemaker. My children, all three, have done laundry successfully, dishes, mopped, dusted, helped on the house and in the yard. My husband has constructed this 3,000 square foot home while managing the kids, our current home, and working a full time job (he is a soldier and a pilot). Sometimes the house is not as neat as if I were doing it and oftentimes things are put away in different areas than I would put them … but the love and teamwork I have seen in my family this past year is remarkable. I am very blessed and proud of the family I have.
Now that I am feeling better, my children and husband still pitch in and make sure things are done and ask if I need help.

Now that’s a family that is learning about servanthood.

Sex is an important part of any marriage relationship. In God’s infinite wisdom, He gave us a special expression of love and commitment that over the course of a marriage serves as a bonding agent, pleasure center, place of comfort, and a journey into surrender and oneness that reflects the very unity of the Trinity.

Given the way our society obsesses about sexuality and stresses its importance in our lives (if you want to be popular, rich, or famous), you’d think sexual intimacy would turn out to be everything to a marriage—the secret to everlasting happiness. Is that true? And what about remarriage sex (“re-sex” as I like to call it)? Is it any different than sex in a first marriage?

Research has shown that sexuality (including sexual expectations, affection, matters of desire, and how a couple communicates about sexuality) is the seventh most important predictor of a high-quality remarriage relationship. Without question, sex is part of a healthy relationship.

But while sexuality proved to predict with 84 percent accuracy whether couples were happy or unhappy, overall sexuality only accounted for 13 percent of what contributes to a high-quality relationship. In other words, sex is an important part of marriage, but a healthy sexual relationship doesn’t necessarily result in a healthy marriage. You better have more in your relational toolbox than just good sex, because sex is just part of the picture.

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Melinda called me about marriage therapy because she and her husband had just separated. As she described their circumstances, I could tell they faced a number of issues—stepparenting stresses and not prioritizing their marriage in relation to the children—and that those issues had divided the couple over time.

“Plus, we never have sex,” she said. “We’ve had sex twice in the past year. I’m not quite sure how to describe it other than to say there’s a ghost in our bedroom.”

When sex is going well, it adds excitement to marriage and acts as a regular emotional bonding agent for the couple. But when affection and sexuality are not functioning well—as in Melinda’s marriage—sexuality can be another considerable drain on a marriage.

Previous sexual experiences

A key difference between high-quality relationships and struggling ones is the presence of fear. Fear of another break-up, of being hurt again, or that the marriage was a mistake. And fear is often a factor in the realm of re-sex; it tends to reveal itself as worry.

When asked about the previous sexual relationships of their partner, 90 percent of couples with healthy marriages agree that there is nothing to be worried about. However, 42 percent of couples with low-quality marriages show concern and worry about their partner’s previous sexual experiences. What seems to be in question is how previous experiences compare to the current couple’s sexual relationship or how they might be limiting their sexual fulfillment.

It’s vitally important that couples move through this concern so that it doesn’t hide below the surface like a malignant cancer, eroding a partner’s perceived significance in the relationship or their ability to fully enjoy sex within the marriage.

Couples would do well to discuss their concerns, being careful not to compare their current sexual relationship with the past. Instead, they should express their desires for how they would like to see the relationship or their confidence in their partner’s satisfaction improve. Don’t let your fears related to the past go unaddressed or they will limit your intimacy today.

Reigniting

Luisa’s husband pursued her sexually with great passion during the first year of marriage. But that began to change. Ramon began getting up at night and sleeping on the couch. He explained that his back was giving him problems and sleeping on the couch was actually more comfortable.

Luisa, however, feared that it meant his sexual interest in her was diminishing. Her first and second husbands both left her for other women, and now Ramon’s actions made her feel “like he’s leaving me on purpose … He’s been initiating sex less often, and I think it’s because he is not happy with our sex life.”

Given her painful rejections in previous relationships, Luisa’s negative judgment of her husband is understandable, but it was still hurting their marriage. Her therapist asked her to stop focusing so much on his sexual desire as the only indication of his commitment. She began to notice that Ramon’s behavior outside the bedroom evidenced a continued desire to share life with her. He wasn’t pulling away as she feared.

Once Luisa began to trust Ramon’s heart again, the couple worked together to create opportunities for lovemaking to occur. Given Ramon’s back problems, the couple had to be more intentional and rely less on nighttime spontaneity to present them with opportunities to engage in sex. As their relational and sexual communication increased over time, a strong sexual intimacy was re-established.

TAKING ACTION

Couples:

Don’t make comparisons in your mind … or out loud! A comment like “Why can’t you touch me the way John did?” isn’t going to breed confidence in your spouse. Keep your comparisons to yourself! Nor should you linger on comparisons in your own mind. Doing so keeps you looking back instead of connecting to the moment at hand.
Your new spouse’s sexual preferences may vary from your previous husband/wife. Listen to verbal and nonverbal messages telling you your spouse’s preferences.
Calm your insecurities. If you were sexually rejected or traumatized in the past, be careful not to let your insecurities or anxiety run ahead of you.
Give yourself time to develop a couple groove. Learning how to read one another, when to respond with a specific touch, or your couple sexual style will take time. Learn as you go; share what you learn.
Confront your sexual ghosts. Don’t be quick to make negative assumptions about your partner’s motivations or behavior. When fearful, try to take small risks to increase your willingness to trust.
Don’t ignore sexual problems, and don’t overreact. It’s normal for couples to have a sexual complaint of some kind. Don’t panic if you encounter difficulty. Talk it through, and if necessary, find a therapist who can help.
Read more on enhancing sexual intimacy.

Pastors:
I often tell pastors that the two most neglected topics in churches today are the two “S’s”—stepfamilies and sex. Let God speak to both of these important life subjects in your congregation and community. Offer couples a class, workshop, or conference on the topic of sexuality within the next year.

There are many curriculum and video resources to utilize, or you can host a conference, like The Art of Marriage® video event.

Finding appropriate resources is no longer the issue. To be candid, the absence of training in sexuality is mostly due to church leaders who don’t have the nerve to address it. Sex is not a dirty word—it’s God’s idea. Let His wisdom speak in your church.

Here are some surefire ways to guarantee defeat on a battlefield: Underestimate the threats from your enemy. Become isolated from your fellow soldiers. Lose communication with each other.

It’s no different when it comes to marriage conflict. And that’s what is at the heart of the movie, Indivisible.

This film follows the real-life story of Army Chaplain Darren Turner (played by Justin Bruening). Turner finds himself thrust into action at the tip of the spear of the 2007 U.S. surge in Iraq. But when he returns home to his wife and three children, he’s ambushed by new conflicts he didn’t expect, including marriage conflict.

An abrupt change

On deployment, Turner is faithful to stay connected to his family at home but shields them from the trauma of the war around him. Eventually, it’s harder for him to divide the soldier from the family man. The wall he builds becomes so much a part of his coping strategy that it follows him home. Except now it separates him from his family, and even from his true self.

And that’s the farthest thing from what Darren and Heather (played by Sarah Drew, Grey’s Anatomy, Mom’s Night Out) expected when they started this adventure. After years of doing campus ministry together, Darren felt called to serve the spiritual needs of those serving their country. After a lot of time praying about the decision, they agreed they would minister together. Darren would serve the soldiers and Heather their wives and children.

It was only a matter of weeks before they realized they would do their joint ministry separately. Darren was shipped off to Iraq with the 1st Battalion, 30th Infantry Regiment. And not for a one-year stint he imagined, but for 15 months.

Different homes, different issues

The Turners’ home is not the only one featured in the movie. In Indivisible, moviegoers are introduced to three other families whose lives link together on the battlefront.

The Turners’ neighbor, Michael Lewis, is a career soldier battling war trauma of his own. His marriage is in trouble. Multiple deployments have created a man largely absent from the daily life of his wife and twin teen daughters. Lance Bradley is the proud father of a newborn daughter and husband to a loving wife who dreads his absence. And Shonda Peterson, part of Atlanta Police’s SWAT team, is a largely-absent single mother of a toddler son.

During deployment, we see Chaplain Turner selflessly and compassionately come alongside each of these soldiers. He helps them work through their traumas from the battlefield, as well as their problems at home. “Keep the family together, keep a soldier together,” he says. But we also see hairline cracks develop in the foundation of his own marriage and family, and even his faith.

It’s a slow drift that can happen in any marriage. Two spouses with busy, individual lives and few shared experiences and communication are bound to grow apart. As Darren pours his life and time into his soldiers, he deals with his own battlefield trauma. Half a world away, Heather lives a different reality—raising a family without a husband while she ministers to other families holding down the fort.

Intertwined storylines

Indivisible director and co-writer David Evans masterfully interlaces parallel experiences at home and at war. For Darren, seeing men lose their lives in tragic and horrible ways is hard. Even harder is guiding their comrades to find hope and meaning in their buddy’s ultimate sacrifice.

For Heather, every knock at the door might mean uniformed officers bringing news of her husband’s death. Or herself going to the home of a wife and mother who has just learned she is a widow. How does she give comfort when there are no words?

The film also does an excellent job of being family friendly while still realistically portraying the gut-wrenching reality of war. It shows the heartbreaking reality of spouses in marriage conflict—not from making bad choices but from doing good things separately. And it shows these same spouses trying to find each other again but not knowing how.

His wounds, her wounds

Both Darren and Heather thought coming home would erase the traumas they had faced separately and restore the months lost. The help others through their marriage conflict, but they never expected their own relationship would be in jeopardy. But they had built up unrealistic expectations.

The real-life Turners shared their story recently in a radio interview with FamilyLife Today co-hosts Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine. “When he came back, he knew that his heart had shifted,” Heather admitted. “I was so caught up in the joy of him coming home that it never occurred to me that we were going to have a hard transition coming back. It didn’t take us long to realize after he got home and we both got back to work that we had both changed dramatically.

Darren revealed his own issues, including a crisis of faith.

“Men who return from war often don’t want to talk about it because they don’t want to relive the horrors, but also because they want to protect others close to them from that horror,” he says. “I think when soldiers come home, the default is self-preservation. We don’t want to risk pain, or rejection, or frustration or conflict. So the easy button is to stay distant or to create distance. But my encouragement is to talk about it: if not to your spouse, then with someone.”

Marriage conflict is prevalent in military families, where the divorce rate is among the highest of any profession. But Darren asserts it’s not just military families struggling with this tension. “You don’t have to go to a combat zone to get to a place where your spouse or your family or your situation is so disappointing that you choose to abandon it.”

How to connect with Indivisible

Indivisible is the second film by David Evans, who, along with wife Esther, released The Grace Card in 2010. Provident Films, which produced the movie, is behind highly-acclaimed faith-based films such as Courageous, I Can Only Imagine, Woodlawn, and Mom’s Night Out. It is a great fit for Christian audiences, with its solid themes of faith and family, but the film will resonate with just about anyone who is married or in the military, or knows someone who is.

Indivisible opens on October 26 with a wide distribution throughout the U.S.

Marriage conflict happens to everyone

Rather than wait until marriage conflict overwhelms you, choose to be proactive. At the request of the Indivisible team, FamilyLife has created couples discussion questions, keying on some of the film’s poignant moments, to help you connect with each other. For military couples, FamilyLife highly recommends the resources provided through a ministry called Cru Military. But whether you’re military or civilian, FamilyLife also has numerous articles to help couples experiencing marriage conflict. Here are a few:

Perhaps more than at any other time in history, women today need a clear understanding of how they should relate to their husbands. In fact, the significant social changes brought about by the women’s liberation movement over the last few decades have led to such confusion that the very idea of “roles” is repugnant to some. They feel as if somehow they lose their identity and their freedom if they adhere to some type of “outdated standard.”

It’s important for us to look clearly at what the Bible says on this subject. And while the Bible doesn’t apply our modern word “role” to marriage, the Scriptures are clear about the unique responsibilities God assigns to a wife. Special note: I suggest that you also read Dennis’s answer to the question, “What should be the husband’s role in marriage?” before you continue this section. A wife’s responsibilities can be properly understood only in the context of loving, servant leadership by her husband.

1. Be a helper to your husband.

While all of us are called to be helpers to others, the Bible places a special emphasis on this responsibility for wives. Genesis tells us that God realized it wasn’t good for man to be alone, and that He decided to make a “helper suitable for him” (Gen. 2:18). It is interesting to note that the Hebrew meaning of the word helper in this passage is found hereafter in the Bible to refer only to God as He helps us. The fact that this same word is applied to a wife signifies that we women have been given tremendous power for good in our husbands’ lives. God has designed wives to help their husbands become all that God intends for them to be.

2. Respect your husband.

In Ephesians 5:33, Paul says, ” … the wife must respect her husband.” When you respect your husband you reverence him, notice him, regard him, honor him, prefer him, and esteem him. It means valuing his opinion, admiring his wisdom and character, appreciating his commitment to you, and considering his needs and values. Our husbands have many needs. The macho man who is self-contained, independent, and invulnerable is a myth. One day Dennis gave me a list of what he considered to be some of the primary needs most men have:

Self-confidence in his personhood as a man
To be listened to
Companionship
To be needed

Meeting these needs is what respecting your husband is all about. To bolster Dennis’s confidence, for example, I try to encourage him by being his number one fan. Every husband wants his wife to be on his team, to coach him when necessary, but most of all to be his cheerleader. A husband needs a wife who is behind him, believing in him, appreciating him, and cheering him on as he goes out into the world every day.

3. Love your husband.

Titus 2:4 calls for wives “to love their husbands.” A good description of the kind of love your husband needs is “unconditional acceptance.” In other words, accept your husband just as he is—an imperfect person. Love also means being committed to a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship. I realize there is a whole lot more to love than sex, but we are looking at how to fulfill God’s command to love our husbands. Therefore, we must look at love from their perspective, not just our own. Surveys show that sex is one of a man’s most important needs—if not the most important. When a wife resists intimacy, is uninterested, or is only passively interested, her husband may feel rejection. It will cut at his self-image, tear at him to the very center of his being, and create isolation. My husband’s sexual needs should be more important and higher on my priority list than menus, housework, projects, activities, and even the children. It does not mean that I should think about sex all day and every day, but it does mean that I find ways to remember my husband and his needs. It means I save some of my energy for him. This keeps me from being selfish and living only for my own needs and wants. Maintaining that focus helps me defeat isolation in our marriage.

4. Submit to the leadership of your husband.

Just mention the word “submission,” and many women immediately become angry and even hostile. Some husbands and wives actually believe submission infers that women are inferior to men in some way. Some women think that if they submit they will lose their identity and become non-persons. Others fear (some with good reason) that submission leads to being used or abused. Another misconception is that submission means blind obedience on the part of the woman. She can give no input to her husband, question nothing, and only stay obediently barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. What does God have in mind? Here’s a key passage from Scripture:

Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. —Ephesians 5:22-30

Can God-fearing women be strong…even fierce?

Helping my husband became who God intended him to be

These Scriptures make it clear that a wife should submit voluntarily to her husband’s sensitive and loving leadership. Therefore, as I voluntarily submit to my husband, I am completing him. I am helping him fulfill his responsibilities, and I am helping him become the man, the husband, and the leader God intended him to be. Building oneness in marriage works best when both spouses choose to fulfill their responsibilities voluntarily, with no pressure or coercion. To become the servant-leader God has commanded him to be, Dennis needs my gracious respect and submission. And when Dennis loves me the way he is commanded to, I can more easily submit myself to that leadership. I do this with an attitude of entrusting myself to God. In one of his letters, Peter told us that even though Jesus suffered terrible pain and insults, He did not retaliate “but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously” (1 Peter 2:23). When you entrust your life to the Father, it’s much easier to be the wife of an imperfect man, particularly when you may have disagreements. A special note: Some of you may live with abuse or in excessively unhealthy and destructive conditions in your marriage. At times, it may be inappropriate or even life-threatening for you to apply unquestioningly the principles of submission. For example, if you are being physically or verbally abused, you need to take steps to protect yourself and your children. If you are in that situation, please discerningly seek out your pastor or someone wise who has been trained to help with your specific issue. Loving, forgiving, and submitting do not mean that you become a doormat or indefinitely tolerate significantly destructive behavior.

How it all fits together

If you have ever sewn a dress, or attempted to sew one, you know how a pattern works. The pattern is made of many pieces, some large and some small, none of which accurately resemble the finished product. When you lay out the pattern and cut the cloth, you do not have a garment but only some scraps of cloth. When it is properly assembled and made usable with buttons, snaps, or a zipper, these pieces make a complete dress. Every pattern has pairs of parts: two sleeves, two bodice pieces, a front and back skirt, and even the collar and facing pieces are usually in twos. A marriage is very similar. God has designed a master pattern for husbands and wives that, when followed, will create a whole, usable, beautiful marriage. In the same way a dress can be made in a variety of sizes and colors with numerous differences in detail from one pattern, so my marriage may look different from yours. As we acknowledge Christ as Lord of our lives, we must work out our marriages according to God’s plan. The key is for each wife to follow God’s plan, know her part, and work to fit in with her husband’s responsibilities.

One of my favorite parent educators, Roger Allen, once said, “I have good news and bad news about the terrible 2s. The good news is that they only last around 18 months beginning at around age 18 months to 3 years old. The bad news: Kids are subject to relapse at any given point in time—usually around age 15.”

That perspective about teenagers is something that all parents eventually experience first-hand. Perfectly good, compliant, respectful children hit age 15 or 16 and completely lose their minds. At least, that’s the way it feels to us parents.

“What happened to my baby?” Susan asked me. “Josh used to worship the ground I walked on and then one day, he changed into this sarcastic, prickly kid I didn’t like.” That’s when her husband, Josh’s stepfather, chimed in. “I’ve always had a struggle with Josh, but now things are even worse. What do we do?”

Partly because teenagers are again wrestling with establishing an emotional identity separate from their parents, I guess you could call this period a “second terrible 2s.” This happens with most teens, in most families. Stepfamilies are not, of course, immune to this process. But the ambivalent stepfamily identity can make matters even more confusing. Here are four common traps that complicate the process.

1. Teen depression, sadness, and/or anger. The initial loss that ended a child’s family (out-of-wedlock birth, death of a parent, or parental divorce) and the ensuing losses that resulted (change of residence, schools, loss of contact with parent and extended family, etc.) repeatedly bring emotional costs to adolescents.
Ryan was mad at the world. “My mom and dad still fight all the time and my stepmom treats me like I’m second class compared to her kids. I just keep to myself and keep my head down.” The ongoing parental and family conflicts surrounding Ryan brought about a depression that sometimes expressed itself in withdrawn behavior and sometimes irritability.

Needless to say, Ryan was difficult to get along with. What he needs from his parent and stepparent is an extra measure of patience, without tolerating disrespectful behavior, and someone to help him cope with what can’t be changed (a counselor). Hopefully at least one home can be emotionally safe for him.

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!

2. Taking it personally. Given the ambiguous nature of the stepparent role, it is easy for stepparents to take personally the uncooperative attitude and grumpy—but normal—behavior of adolescents. “I just wish my husband wouldn’t take Josh’s petulance so personally,” Susan shared. “Josh is just as much a pain to me as he is to Jeff.”

While it’s true that some teens can target negativity toward the stepparent, more often than not, Susan’s perspective is right. It’s not personal, just a necessary evil of adolescent development. Jeff would do well to not take things so personally so he doesn’t overreact and take Josh’s behavior as a rejection of him as stepfather.

3. The struggle to let go. I often remind parents that we are working ourselves out of a job. If we do our parenting job well, our children will likely launch out of our home in independence. The irony of this for stepparents is that when it comes time to push the bird out of the nest, it can feel like defeat. “I’ve worked so hard to bond with this kid,” a stepmom shared, “it feels weird to let her go.” Yes, it can. But let her go, you must.

4. Striving for “mom/dad” status. Insightfully, new stepparents don’t expect stepchildren to immediately call them mom or dad. But often stepparents secretly long for the day when the child begins to regularly refer to them with that term of endearment. If that doesn’t happen after a number of years—sometimes coinciding with adolescence—some stepparents emotionally withdraw with hurt feelings. This can be experienced as rejection by the stepchild who doesn’t understand why the withdrawal is taking place.

What stepparents need to understand is that only a third of stepchildren ever grow into using the mom or dad label for their stepparent, and that many years together doesn’t increase the percentage. The mom/dad label is generally reserved by children for their biological parents. Stepparents need to do themselves and teens a favor and let go of this expectation so it doesn’t lead to unnecessary hurt feelings.

Adolescence is a natural time of family transition and turmoil. It’s hard enough as it is; an understanding of the above dynamics will help you not to inadvertently make it worse.

TAKING ACTION

Couples:

Biological parents and stepparents should talk frequently during their child’s adolescence. Bounce your perspective about the child’s behavior off the other to see if there might be another side to consider.
Teens need a safe place to process their emotional sadness. Bring up losses or extended family struggles that have resulted from death or divorce, and give permission to grieve together. This provides a child perspective and support.
Stepparents may need to grieve what will never be. A child moving out of the home before you’ve had sufficient time to bond or not ever hearing “mom/dad” are just two examples. Biological parents should not be defensive about their child; rather, listen and grieve with your spouse.
Have a family meeting to discuss the changes taking place with your adolescent. Be flexible with boundaries when appropriate to show respect for their increasing independence while also maintaining the expectation that the child show respect to both parent and stepparent.

Ministry:

Student ministers, leaders, and volunteers should:

Read a book or attend a stepfamily conference to more fully understand stepfamily dynamics. Then they’ll be able to help stepparents discern a “stepfamily issue” from an “adolescent issue.” This perspective helps to de-escalate unnecessary family tension.
Encourage stepparents to attend student retreats, camps, and ski trips. By doing this, stepparents will take advantage of fun, bonding experiences with stepchildren.

Sarah called my office with a question I have heard a thousand times. “My husband’s ex-wife is a very unhealthy person. She attacks us frequently in front of the kids and manipulates them constantly. How do we deal with this?”

Without question, one of the most menacing dynamics in a stepfamily is a destructive parent in the other home. A parent, for example, with a personality disorder or drug or porn addiction is exceedingly difficult to deal with. So, too, is someone who is just plain unreasonable, irresponsible, and selfish. The temptation, of course, is to get drawn into the emotional game-playing and try to out-fox the fox. But God’s Word suggests a better way.

In His infinite wisdom, God gives us specific instructions in the latter section of Romans 12 on how to love a difficult person. His prescription for overcoming evil is direct: overcome evil with good (verse 21). The goal, then, in spite of the hurt we experience at the hands of others, is to offer ourselves as a living sacrifice and repay evil with good.

But what about revenge? Isn’t that justified?

Aggressive with good

Romans 12:19 makes it clear that revenge is not in keeping with the mercies God has shown us (verse 1). God is the only one who should seek vengeance. He is the only one who is pure and holy, with no ulterior motives. He always desires our higher good. If a parent in the other home chooses evil, it is God’s job to handle the situation. Not yours.

So what is your role in the meantime? Are you supposed to sit around and passively wait for more persecution? No, the answer is to become aggressive with good.

When wicked behavior is running rampant, it feels like it is in control. However, God’s Word tells us that good is more powerful than evil. God does not say that doing good to others will help us tolerate their evil. He says that we can overcome it.

Romans 12:21 tells us, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (NIV). Light overwhelms darkness. Hope triumphs over discouragement. Love casts our fear.

It is our task, in the face of evil, to offer good. Why? Because good invites repentance.

Consider Romans 12:20: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head” (NIV). The phrase “heap burning coals on his head” refers to awakening the conscience of another. With good, we can melt the heart of evil with burning conviction. Constantly repaying evil with good holds a mirror up to the perpetrator, reflecting their evil; in some cases this will bring about a change of heart.

I’ll never forget receiving a call from a woman I’ll call Carrie. She had recently remarried and needed some marital counseling. But what caught me off guard was the fact that she was referred by her children’s stepmother, Patty.

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!

“I have come to trust Patty and her recommendations,” Carrie said. “But it didn’t start out that way—when she first married my ex-husband, I thought she was the enemy and I was threatened by her. But she has proven herself time and again to be decent and pure of heart. I actually consider her a friend at this point.” Wow! There is power in stubborn goodness.

Trusting God

What if repentance does not happen in the heart of the destructive parent? Then that behavior is between that person and the Almighty. In the meantime, you may suffer, but you must trust God to do what is right and to see you through the trial.

And what do you get for your obedience? Another passage in Scripture, Proverbs 25:22, concludes that the Lord will reward those who do good to those who are evil. The evil of some parents can be overcome in this life with good, others cannot. Either way, the Lord will notice your sacrifice and reward you.

Until then live this way (see Romans 12:14-20):

Bless and do not curse.
Do everything you can to live in harmony.
Do not be proud, and be willing to associate with her despite her behavior.
Do not become conceited.
In public be careful to do what is right.
Do not take revenge.
“Feed” and “give him something to drink” even when it’s undeserved.

TAKING ACTION

Couples:

1. Maintain flexible boundaries. At times you will choose to “go the extra mile” and at other times you will say, “No.”

2. Notice your part of the ongoing conflict. Any time you try to change a difficult ex-spouse—even if for understandable moral reasons—you inadvertently invite resistance. Learn to let go of what you can’t change (if you couldn’t change him or her when you were married, what makes you think you can now?) so you don’t unknowingly keep the between-home power struggles alive.

3. Keep “business meetings” impersonal to avoid excessive conflict. Face-to-face interaction has the most potential for conflict. Use phone, email, or fax when possible. Keep children from being exposed to negative interaction when it’s within your power.

4. Use a script to help you manage yourself. Before making a phone call, take time to write out your thoughts including what you’ll say and not say. Stick to the business at hand and don’t get hooked into old arguments.

5. Wrestle with forgiveness. Hurt feelings from the past are the number one reason your ex—and you—overreact with one another. Do your part by striving to forgive your ex for the offenses of the past (and present). This will help you manage your emotions in current negotiations.

Pastors:

Relationship skills training should not overlook the menacing impact of a destructive ex-spouse. When conducting premarital counseling, help couples anticipate how a destructive parent can add stress to their home. When teaching conflict resolution skills, role-play dealing with an unreasonable parent. Support stepcouples as they wrestle with these stressors and you’ll see a decline in divorce.

Nicole never saw it coming. Since she had a respectful, decent working relationship with her ex-husband, she never anticipated how intrusive her fiancé’s ex-wife, Sharon, would be. While Nicole and Tom dated, Sharon seemed to keep her distance. Nicole naturally assumed that once she and Tom married, Sharon would decrease her texts, late night calls, and “show-up-at-the-front-door-unannounced” behavior. She was wrong. In fact, as soon as she and Tom were married, Sharon’s troubling behavior increased.

Weddings have a funny way of activating ex-spouses toward one of two extremes. Either they increase contact with the ex or they increase movement away from the kids (neither is healthy). In Sharon’s case, she increased contact with Tom around parental issues and petty requests.

Did she feet threatened by her children having a stepmother? Was she still trying to hold on to Tom emotionally? Did she resent Tom moving on after their divorce? Perhaps (but only God knows her motivation). Nicole and Tom will certainly have theories about why Sharon acts the way she does, but they will probably never know for sure.

Nevertheless, they will have to deal with Sharon—and do so with unity.

Working toward a respectful working relationship

In order to protect their new marriage and blended family, it would be wise for Tom and Nicole to set some boundaries. Doing so doesn’t mean Sharon will automatically respect or accommodate them. But when implemented with humility and upheld for an extended period of time, both households just might find a more respectful working relationship. One boundary is keeping between-home conversations focused on just parenting issues.

Tom should also take the initiative to have a regularly scheduled co-parenting meeting with Sharon. That will help him anticipate parenting matters and communicate expectations. When parenting concerns come up, they should only be discussed during co-parenting meetings, unless there is an emergency. (Moderate- to low-conflict co-parents will not have to resort to this extreme request, but folks like Tom may need to.)

If Sharon contacts either Tom or Nicole at another time, they can avoid replying or table the conversation until the next scheduled meeting. In addition, if Sharon tries to engage Tom in more personal topics (not parental ones), he can simply redirect the conversation, “I appreciate your interest, but I’d prefer not to discuss that with you. Let’s focus on what’s happening with the kids.”

Tom should actively head off intrusive behavior. If Sharon repeatedly shows up on their doorstep, he should assertively (but politely) ask her not to. “Do not come over unannounced again. Text me first to see if it is okay. If not, I’ll give you another option.”

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!

Unfortunately, this type of assertiveness often falls prey to the ex-spouse’s manipulation; like telling the kids that you are being mean. Do not let this type of response detour you from following through. If your children get pulled into the situation, tell the kids your request is not theirs to worry about and continue to deal directly with your ex.

Nicole should guard her heart from turning on her husband. An unfortunate casualty of this type of ex-spouse stress is when the stepparent blames the spouse for not stopping the ex-spouse’s harassment. The last suggested tip for Tom is that he set a reasonable boundary with Sharon, but that doesn’t guarantee that she will honor it. Sharon’s behavior is not Tom’s responsibility and Nicole should not take her frustrations out on Tom. Instead, she and Tom need to work hard to lean on and trust one another as they cope with Sharon’s chaos.

Protect your marriage. Find your resolve. Far too many people cater to irresponsible, malicious ex-spouses out of the fear of hurting someone’s feelings. Sometimes our desire for peace leads us to an unrealistic reliance on being reasonable with unreasonable people. Nothing will change the between-home boundaries until you unapologetically stand up for what’s right, become respectfully assertive, and act accordingly. Find your resolve and act.

TAKING ACTION

Couples:
Read “10 Respectful Strategies to Use with an Unhealthy Co-Parent.”

Pastors:
Children’s and student ministries should take initiative to ask kids how things are going between their homes. Children rarely get to talk about such matters with a trusted, neutral adult. Similarly, parent education programs should teach wise boundary-making with ex-spouses.

The holidays are hard for the Deal family. Since our son Connor died in February 2009, Christmas has just not been the same. He was only 12 when he left us. Sometimes I still wonder, How can our family go through the motions of our annual traditions without Connor? How do we find the “joy of the season” when there’s still so much sorrow in our hearts?

Most likely you, too, have been through a significant loss in your life. I know your children or stepchildren have. And whether we like it or not, the magic of the holidays resurrects our pain. Loss is central to the stepfamily experience. I suggest you get prepared to face it, especially during this time of year.

The enduring nature of loss

Whether your loss came this past year or 10 years ago, you won’t “get over it.” You will only get through it. Loss endures. And special family occasions, like the holidays, remind us once again of what is no more.

A deceased parent will be missed this time of year with extra tears. A family fractured by divorce will once again feel the pain of being emotionally splintered into two houses. Children will reminisce about what was and what could have been, while reprocessing how they feel about the new stepfamily members in their lives. And grandparents will wish the family could once again be all together. When the awkwardness of holiday activities confronts, stepparents may again evaluate the realities of life and their lost expectations.

Because loss is enduring, these types of responses are inevitable; they should not be avoided. But the fragile nature of stepfamily living sometimes leads people to deny resurrected pain or try to “fix” others who experience it. Grandparents, for example, might assume that a child who cries once again over the loss of the original family just needs a well designed word that will make everything better.

Even worse, insecure parents may emotionally punish a child for not being loyal to the new family. For example, when learning that his adult children questioned whether they would attend a pre-Christmas party that included their stepmother’s adult children and grandchildren, one father threatened not to attend his grandchild’s Christmas play. He thought by threatening to emotionally withdraw himself he could encourage his adult children to accept his new wife. How misguided!

Loss does not need to be fixed. It needs to be expressed—and received with compassion. Also, loss is a great teacher. For example, it has the power to deepen our walk with the Lord, reprioritize our life, and remind us what matters most.

This holiday, don’t squash your grief (or anyone else’s). God will teach you much if you will pay attention to your loss and listen.

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!

TAKING ACTION

Don’t be afraid of your own feelings of loss and don’t fear listening to those of others. After all, the process of “bearing with one another” is how we survive grief (Galatians 6:2). Here are some things to remember when responding to loss:

1. Give permission to grieve and use the holidays as a springboard to conversation about loss. For example, a stepparent might say to a child, “I noticed that you’re not getting to spend as much time this year with your dad and his parents. I bet that makes you sad.” (Pause and wait for a response.) Or, while engaged in a holiday tradition that started before the stepfamily began, one might say, “I know this reminds you of (missing family member). Tell me a story about when you used to do this activity together.” These small conversations give someone permission to grieve and connect emotionally. Plus, when communicated by a stepparent, they engender respect, care for the person, and may actually facilitate the new stepfamily relationships.

2. Model sadness. Adults should talk openly about their sadness and freely express their tears. This communicates that it is okay for others to do the same, but more importantly, it models for younger children appropriate ways of grieving.

3. Coach children in healthy grieving. Labeling the emotions of children helps them learn to identify the emotion in themselves. For example: “I’ve noticed that since coming home from your mom’s house you are pretty irritable. I’m wondering if you are missing her a lot lately.” A child who has been acting angry in this situation can now deal with sadness, a necessary action if they are ever to stop being inappropriately angry and irritable.

4. Act in kindness. Consider what might minister to someone’s grief and act accordingly. A stepfamily member might encourage, “I know your sister’s family is only here for a short time. Why don’t you spend extra time with them and I’ll manage the children for a while.”

5. Don’t take it personally. Stepparents need to disconnect from the pain of their stepchildren during the holidays. A child’s sadness for what has been lost is not necessarily a rejection of you. Don’t make it about you; keep it about them.

6. Manage your guilt. Biological parents can become frozen by their children’s sadness. Yes, their pain may be a result of your past choices, but don’t allow that guilt to paralyze you from setting reasonable limits and enforcing rules. Permissiveness does not heal pain.

“Should we have a baby together?”

It’s an interesting question from stepfamily couples and I’m always taken aback by it. Couples on their first marriage never ask me that question!

But when you look behind the question it’s more understandable. With this question these couples are acknowledging the complexity of their family and awareness that their home is still in the process of becoming a family. The question testifies to the concern that having a child (what I like to call an “ours” baby) might disrupt an already fragile family environment.

So, is there any validity to that concern?

Research to guide your decision

To date, the results of social research on this subject are mixed; there is no clear direction offered from stepfamily studies. But we do have some limited impressions.

For example, stepfamilies experience a wide variety of emotional and relational changes after an ours baby is born. When relationships within the home are generally stable and positive before the pregnancy, the ours child has a greater change of bringing a positive impact to the home. In fact, half-siblings may consider the mutual child a full sibling, which can bring a great sense of joy to everyone.

By contrast, adult or older half-siblings have widely varying relationships with an ours baby. Some are close and have frequent contact, while others are distant and neutral about the new child. Infrequent contact with the stepfamily, a lack of involvement, and the differences in age-related interests are common reasons for the emotional disconnection between a stepchild and an ours baby.

If the relationships within the stepfamily home are generally divided, a mutual child can bring further division. Children who already feel slighted may feel jealous of the time and attention a new child receives, thereby causing resentment toward a half-sibling.

The biblical story of Joseph and his half-brothers illustrates this dynamic. They all shared the same father, Jacob. But ten of Joseph’s eleven brothers were born to women Jacob didn’t love, and they resented the special treatment Joseph received.

Division in the family can also increase unexpectedly if a stepparent pulls away from awkward relationships with stepchildren and focuses on the biological child. The natural bond that occurs between parent and child at birth brings to light the tentative and frustrating process of stepparenting. Stepparents would do well to avoid pulling away from their stepchildren to focus on their biological child and continue to invest in all their children.

And what of the ours child—what unique pressures does it experience? Being related to everyone puts the ours child in the center of the family’s experience. This hub position cuts both ways. On the one hand, it is a privileged position, and the child gains more attention than the other children (especially part-time children). This affords the child more influence and control in the home. On the other hand, this child may feel a constant pressure to create bonds between family members and ensure that everyone gets along.

Finally, we know that having a baby in a stepfamily—as in all families—provides both a protective function for the marriage while also contributing to lower satisfaction levels. When couples have a child together, it tends to decrease the chance of divorce as couples now share an added reason to remain together. On the other hand, marital satisfaction diminishes somewhat given the increased responsibilities of parenting.

As you can see, the addition of a child impacts the family in many ways. Couples would be wise to learn as much about this as they can.

Seek God’s guidance

Social research can offer guidance and understanding to this important life decision, but in the end your decision to have a baby will be a matter of faith. Couples show wisdom when they continue learning about stepfamily life and honestly assess the climate of their home. The final decision should be one of mutual prayer. Both the decision to have a child and the process of raising it is, in the end, part of our walk with the Lord. Seek His guidance and follow.

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!

TAKING ACTION

Couples:

The ours child has a greater chance of bringing a positive impact to the home when these factors are present before he or she is born:

Children already have a positive relationship with their biological parent and stepparent. When this is the case, half-siblings are generally more welcoming to the new child.
Stepchildren live with the stepparent and biological parent full-time (or the majority of the time). Residential half-siblings tend to bond more deeply with the new sibling.
Children are young in age. Younger half-siblings adjust more easily than adolescent or adult half-siblings.

If you are planning to have an ours baby, here are some suggestions to consider for preparation:

Expect ripples throughout your multiple-home stepfamily system. Some issues can be anticipated, but others may quickly appear. For example, a biological mother who has been uninvolved in her children’s lives, or disinterested in your family, may suddenly re-emerge after you have a baby. Expecting change will help you cope when surprises arise.
Try to keep the half-siblings’ lifestyle, visitation schedule, and parental contact relatively unchanged after the baby arrives.
Celebrate. When the children are excited about the new arrival buy them an “I’m the big brother” shirts and encourage a family party.
To encourage the bonding between half-siblings it’s best to orchestrate frequent contact between the children.
Raise all of the children with similar values. When half-siblings perceive inequalities in rules, expectations, the availability of money, or affection, they can become jealous and angry.
Refrain from being defensive or easily offended when stepchildren voice frustration or concern over how the new baby has affected them. If the relationship with your stepkids is strained you will be tempted to assume every comment has to do with being a stepfamily.

Pastors:

Take advantage of child or parent dedication ceremonies or children’s ministry events to acknowledge all the children in a stepfamily. Ask the couple how you should describe the relationships within the family. For example, should you say this is “Don’s stepdaughter,” “the Jones’ daughter” or something else?

God’s design for the family begins with marriage laying the foundation for the home. But stepfamilies are at a disadvantage.

Why? Because at the inception of a stepfamily, married couples find it difficult to establish their relationship as the foundation.

After all, parent-child relationships predate the new marriage and are bonded by blood, history, and family identity. When a husband and wife bring children into their new marriage, they often find their marriage is the secondary relationship. And unless they find a way to make the marriage primary, they will experience distress and instability in the home.

“Wait a minute,” you may say. “You mean I have to put my spouse before my children? I understand your point, but they are my flesh and blood.” Comments like these remind me of the stepfather who complained that after two years of marriage he still rides in the back-seat of the car while his wife’s children take turns riding in the front.

The process of establishing the couple as the foundational relationship of the home can feel like a win-lose situation for biological parents and children—the marriage wins, the children lose. But this is not the case. It’s a matter of significance. It’s not that a spouse matters more than children, but rather that a strong marriage relationship contributes more significantly to the stability of the home than any other factor—including the children.

Your children will never suffer neglect because you make a strong commitment to your new spouse. You don’t have to choose between your spouse and your children; when you make your marriage your primary priority, you are actually choosing both. Placing your spouse in the “front seat” of your heart is good for your children, too. In fact, a healthy marriage means safety and protection for children.

Barriers to overcome

Managing this dynamic in a stepfamily is easier said than done. One common barrier is paralyzing guilt: ”I can’t do that to my kids. I don’t ever want them to think I love my spouse more than I love them.”

Children suffer significantly when a parent dies or their parents divorce; when you feel guilty about what happened, it’s easy to feel a great deal of sympathy for your children. You may try to protect them from stress or from feeling unloved. If a parent becomes paralyzed by this guilt, there is a huge temptation to coddle or side with the child against your spouse.

Unfortunately this both discourages the child to move past his sadness (why would he stop grieving when it rewards him?) and steals your spouse’s authority with the child. Parents cannot afford to allow their own guilt to keep them paralyzed.

A second common barrier is refusing to take risks. When a husband and wife do what is necessary to move their marriage into a place of priority, they need to be willing to withstand the reactions of their children. Children sometimes threaten to spend more time at the other home, or protest changes in the home with anger, or close themselves off to a relationship with the stepparent as a way of discouraging their parent from investing in the marriage.

Another barrier to establishing a solid remarriage is competition for attention and affection. You may feel resentful if your spouse seems to push you away from your children, and vice versa. Stepparents who repeatedly turn everyday circumstances into a “me or them” decision inadvertently push their spouse into a defensive posture in support of their children. This is nothing but trouble.

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!

How can couples establish their relationship as the foundation of the home when children preceded the marriage? Here are some practical tips:

1. Set a regular date night and keep it. Prioritizing time for one another helps your children see the importance you place on your relationship.

2. Strive to trust the heart of your spouse. Assume your spouse has goodwill toward your children even if they complain. Strive to give your spouse equal say in parenting decisions; be a team.

3. Support your spouse in front of your children. Back up your spouse’s decisions and insist that all the children in the household respect those decisions.

4. Affirm your commitment “out loud.” Verbally expressing love to one another in front of the children, hugging in plain sight, and talking about your future together reinforce the permanency of your marriage.

5. Spend one-on-one time with your biological children and remain involved in their activities. This reinforces that they haven’t “lost” you and paradoxically makes their acceptance of your marriage easier.

6. Insist “out loud” that your spouse spend special time with his or her biological children. This communicates that you are not in competition with them.

7. Don’t let your children manipulate you through guilt. It’s natural for children to show signs of stress or anxiety as you “move your spouse into the front seat of your heart.” Be sympathetic but don’t let them manipulate you into taking their side. Just because children hand you a ticket for a guilt-trip doesn’t mean you have to go for the ride!

8. When children challenge the role of the stepparent, respond firmly and with compassion. “You’re just changing the rule because she wants you to,” is a common complaint. Acknowledge the child’s confusion and move forward. “You’re right. Things are different now that Linda and I parent together. And you know if I were you, I’d be upset about this, too. But this is the new rule and I’m in agreement with it, so please abide by it. Let’s go.”

Specializing in stepfamily therapy and education has taught me one thing: Couples should be highly educated about remarriage and the process of becoming a stepfamily before they ever walk down the aisle. Remarriage—particularly when children are involved—is much more challenging than dating seems to imply. Be sure to open your eyes well before a decision to marry has been made.

The following list represents key challenges every single parent (or those dating a single parent) should know before deciding to remarry. Open your eyes wide now and you—and your children—will be grateful later.

1. Wait two to three years following a divorce or the death of your spouse before seriously dating. No, I’m not kidding. Most people need a few years to fully heal from the ending of a previous relationship. Moving into a new relationship short-circuits the healing process, so do yourself a favor and grieve the pain, don’t run from it. In addition, your children will need at least this much time to heal and find stability in their visitation schedule. Slow down.

2. Date two years before deciding to marry; then date your future spouse’s children before the wedding. Dating two years gives you time to really get to know one another. Too many relationships are formed on the rebound when both people lack godly discernment about their fit with a new person. Give yourself plenty of time to get to know each other thoroughly. Keep in mind—and this is very important—that dating is inconsistent with remarried life.

Even if everything feels right, dramatic psychological and emotional shifts often take place for children, parents, and stepparents right after the wedding. What seems like smooth sailing can become a rocky storm in a hurry. Don’t be fooled into thinking you won’t experience difficulties. As one parent said, “Falling in love is not enough when it comes to remarriage; there’s just more required than that.”

When you do become serious about marriage, date with the intention of deepening the stepparent/stepchild relationships. Young children can attach themselves to a future stepparent rather quickly, so make sure you’re serious before spending lots of time together. Older children will need more time (research suggests that the best time to remarry is before a child’s tenth birthday or after his/her sixteenth; couples who marry between those years collide with the teen’s developmental needs).

3. Know how to “cook” a stepfamily. Most people think the way to cook a stepfamily is with a blender, microwave, pressure cooker, or food processor. Nothing could be further from the truth. All of these “cooking styles” attempt to combine the family ingredients in a rapid fashion. Unfortunately, resentment and frustration are the only results.

The way to cook a stepfamily is with a crockpot. Once thrown into the pot, it will take time and low heat to bring ingredients together, requiring that adults step into a new marriage with determination and patience. The average stepfamily takes five to seven years to combine; some take longer. There are no quick recipes. (Read more about how to cook a stepfamily here.)

4. Realize that the “honeymoon” comes at the end of the journey for remarried couples, not the beginning. Ingredients thrown into a crockpot that have not had sufficient time to cook don’t taste good—and might make you sick. Couples need to understand that the rewards of stepfamily life (security, family identity, and gratitude for one another) come at the end of the journey. Just as the Israelites traveled a long time before entering the Promise Land, so will it be for your stepfamily.

5. Think about the kids. Children experience numerous losses before entering a stepfamily. In fact, your remarriage is another. It sabotages their fantasy that Mom and Dad can reconcile, or that a deceased parent will always hold his or her place in the home. Seriously consider your children’s losses before deciding to remarry. If waiting till your children leave home before you remarry is not an option, work to be sensitive to your children’s loss issues. Don’t rush them and don’t take their grief away.

6. Manage and be sensitive to loyalties. Even in the best of circumstances, children feel torn between their biological parents and likely feel that enjoying your dating partner will please you but betray the other parent. Don’t force children to make choices, and examine the binds they feel. Give them your permission to love and respect new people in the other home and let them warm up to your new spouse in their own time.

7. Don’t expect your new spouse to feel the same about your children as you do. It’s a good fantasy, but stepparents won’t care for your children to the same degree that you do. This is not to say that stepparents and stepchildren can’t have close bonds; they can. But it won’t be the same. When looking at your daughter, you will see a 16-year-old who brought you mud pies when she was 4 and showered you with hugs each night after work. Your spouse will see a self-centered brat who won’t abide by the house rules. Expect to have different opinions and to disagree on parenting decisions.

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!

8. Realize that remarriage has unique barriers. Are you more committed to your children or your marriage? If you aren’t willing to risk losing your child to the other home, for example, don’t make the commitment of marriage. Making a covenant does not mean neglecting your kids, but it does mean that they are taught which relationship is your ultimate priority. A marriage that is not the priority will be mediocre at best.

Another unique barrier involves the “ghost of marriage past.” Individuals can be haunted by the negative experiences of previous relationships and not even recognize how it is impacting the new marriage. Work to not interpret the present in light of the past, or you might be destined to repeat it.

9. Parent as a team; get your plan ready. No single challenge is more predictive of stepfamily success than the ability of the couple to parent as a team. Stepparents must find their role, know their limits in authority, and borrow power from the biological parent in order to contribute to parental leadership. Biological parents must keep alive their role as primary disciplinarian and nurturer while supporting the stepparent’s developing role (read this series of articles for more on stepparenting). Managing these roles will not be easy; get a plan and stick together.

10. Know what to tell the kids. Tell them:

It’s okay to be confused about the new people in your life.
It’s okay to be sad about our divorce (or parent’s death).
You need to find someone safe to talk to about all this.
You don’t have to love my new spouse, but you do need to treat him or her with the same respect you would give a coach or teacher at school.
You don’t have to take sides. When you feel caught in the middle between our home and your other home, please tell me and we’ll stop.
You belong to two homes with different rules, routines, and relationships. Find your place and contribute good things in each.
The stress of our new home will reduce—eventually.
I love you and will always have enough room in my heart for you. I know it’s hard sharing me with someone else. I love you.

Work smarter, not harder

For stepfamilies, accidentally finding their way through the wilderness to the promised land is a rarity. Successful navigation requires a map. You’ve got to work smarter, not harder. Before you remarry, be sure to educate yourself on the options and challenges that lie ahead.

Many of us believe that the worst thing we can do during a disagreement is to become emotional. Emotions are unpredictable, we think, and they’ll undermine our ability to discuss an issue objectively and dispassionately; therefore we need to suppress our emotions or ignore them while seeking to resolve a disagreement.

This view has many flaws. First it’s simply not possible. The goal of a balanced communicator is to properly manage and express both thoughts and emotions. When the apostle Paul encourages Christians at Ephesus to pursue Christ, he doesn’t pray merely that their intellect or rationale would be enlightened by God. Rather, he prays that the “eyes of your heart may be enlightened” (Ephesians 1:18). In Hebrew the word “heart” means all of an individual—intellect, emotions, body, and will. God wants all of our selves to be engaged in our pursuit of Him.

The same is true when we approach conflict. To deny or push aside our emotions is to enter into a conversation only partially. The surest way to inflame another person’s emotion is to belittle or ignore it. Expressing and acknowledging emotions correctly is foundational to healthy conversation.

Second, the problem with suppressing our emotions during a charged conversation is that in the process we may also suppress our motivation to resolve the conflict. In his massive 500-page treatise On Religious Affections, the great Puritan preacher Jonathan Edwards writes that the nature of human beings is to be inactive unless somehow motivated by a powerful feeling or affection. Feelings of hatred, love, passion, hopefulness, hopelessness and anger serve as a spring of action that propel us forward to duty and others. If we mistakenly suppress our emotions, we may also short-circuit the very mechanism that launches us toward resolution. Often within difficult conversations our emotions—desire to reconcile, address an injustice, resolve conflict, share Christ’s love—provide the spring of action that keeps us in the conversation.

Third, emotions are a powerful indicator that individuals still care about each other and the relationship. I often tell my students that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. I don’t hate individuals I’m indifferent to or who do not matter to me. Why waste the emotional effort? My anger is more likely to arise in response to people who mean something to me—a boss, spouse, co-worker, child, or other close individual.

Last, the reason we don’t suppress or deny our emotions is that God didn’t suppress His while engaging with us. In the Scriptures we encounter a God who is unchanging, powerful, holy, and emotional.

Preparing to engage

When the time comes to engage another person in a difficult conversation, what are the steps we can take to identify and express emotions? The following are some suggestions.

Take a read of your current emotional state. We’re all susceptible to having our emotions get the better of us. Foundational to expressing emotions effectively is recognizing the feelings we’re experiencing before the conversation even starts. I say “feelings” because in most situations we experience multiple emotions.

The first step in assessing your emotional state is to give words to your feelings. The difficulty is that many of us have poor emotional vocabularies. If we are angry, we simply say, “I’m mad!”

When I counsel couples I ask them to provide at least three distinct descriptors for a single emotion. If a person tells me he or she is discouraged about the relationship, I ask him or her to provide additional words. There is a significant difference between feeling disheartened and feeling disappointed. A person can feel good about the overall relationship but still feel disappointed about one particular aspect. Conversely, a person who is disheartened may view the entire relationship as hopeless. The key is to reflect on and clarify your emotional state.

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Use fractionation. This odd-sounding technique is a staple for experts at the Harvard Negotiation Project and is considered the most effective way of reducing the intensity of emotion during conflict. Fractionation is the process of breaking conflict down into smaller, more manageable portions. The idea is that the smaller the conflict, the less severe the emotion. For example, statements like, “I feel unappreciated in this relationship!” or “Our communication climate is lousy” are too broad and emotionally charged. How can these feelings be broken down into a more manageable size without trivializing them?

The key is to use the simple x-y-z formula: when you do x, in situation y, I feel z. For example, a coworker feels that you are not respecting his religion and has grown increasingly defensive. Not respecting another person’s faith tradition is a serious issue, but it is too broad to negotiate. It may be helpful to ask, “What causes you to feel disrespected?” Your coworker responds, “When you ask me about my religion, you tend to only point out what’s wrong with it. You never try to find areas of agreement. So, what’s the point of even asking me about my faith?” Putting his concerns into the x-y-z formula would read like this: When you only find faults (x) when I am describing my faith (y) it makes me feel belittled and defensive (z). While this method doesn’t suggest a resolution, it helps both parties understand the source of the emotion.

After listening to your coworker’s complaint, you might summarize the difficulty as follows: “What seems to be causing our emotions to escalate is that you view my challenges to your faith as being disrespectful, rather than how I intend them, as healthy debate.” This formula can move individuals away from emotions to what scholars call this meta-communication—communication about our communication. For example, you could ask, “Would it be helpful if I didn’t interrupt while you’re describing aspects of your faith?” “Might it be more productive to start with areas of agreement rather than areas of disagreement?” “How can we structure our conversation so it comes across as healthy debate and not an attack that evokes strong emotions?”

The difference is the Holy Spirit

While these suggestions focused on managing emotions are valuable, they contain an inherent flaw. In order to clarify and manage emotions we need to be disciplined and aware of our fluctuating emotional state. Success is determined by our emotional intelligence and skill.

The apostle Paul takes a fundamentally different approach. When calling Christians in the church at Ephesus to put away powerful emotions such as rage, bitterness, and anger and to form healthy relationships, he didn’t tell them to work harder. Rather, he encouraged them to “be filled with the Spirit” (Ephesians 5:18). What sets apart Christian communicators is their reliance on a spiritual power outside of them.

Ty and Andrea met on the tennis court. Every Saturday for months, they secretly watched each other practice and play in an intramural country club league. Finally, Ty asked Andrea to play a match and the rest was history. Eventually they discovered a shared passion for sports, and that became a central hub of their time together.

Once they married, however, the challenge became maintaining their couple fun.

Ty and Andrea are not alone. When Dr. David Olson and I did research for our book, The Smart Stepfamily Marriage, we found that many couples struggle to keep alive what we have called the fun factor. For example, blended family couples tend to date each other without the children present; they engage in leisurely activities that facilitate emotional bonding. But after the wedding, when the demands of parenting and work take over, half of these couples struggle to find enough leisure time together.

That’s a real shame. Especially since a regular dose of fun, relaxing time together predicts with 86 percent accuracy whether couples have a dynamic, fulfilling relationship or a dissatisfied one. How much better instead to keep the fun factor working on your behalf.

Making sacrifices for common pleasure

There are some common roadblocks to healthy leisure time spent together. Often spouses’ ideas of what constitutes a good time differ; nearly one-third of couples just don’t agree on what is recreational. Personality differences can also be a factor. Some people are more outgoing and seek social connections while their spouse has less of a need for social interaction.

What’s the answer? One possible resolution is to find a balance, and this might mean making sacrifices which seek a common pleasure.

Ed and Virginia have very different interests. He enjoys golf and restoring his vintage sports car. Virginia, on the other hand, would prefer to window shop every chance she gets.

For two years the couple just went their separate ways, but eventually they decided that if they were going to find time together, they would need to make sacrifices. For example, one weekend when Virginia’s kids were at their father’s house, Ed decided to go shopping with Virginia. Ed didn’t shop because he enjoys it; he did it because it pleased his wife and strengthened their bond. His sacrificial heart brought about a shared smile.

Maximizing your fun factor

Strong blended couples have an active, shared leisure life. When couples naturally have the same idea of what is fun for them, they easily pursue it on a regular basis. When definitions of fun differ, they seek a balance between giving one another the freedom to pursue individual interests and making sacrifices so they can spend time together.

Todd and Jennifer have similar ideas of what is fun or relaxing. Because Todd and Jennifer enjoy gardening together, they talk about it frequently and look forward to the next time they can get in the garden. Jennifer says getting in her garden with Todd is like taking a mini-vacation away from the stresses of daily living. And the anticipation of spending a few hours together extends the shared positive feelings beyond actually being in the garden.

Another strength of healthy couples is not letting individual interests interfere with their differences. For a vast majority of strong couples, leisure time together takes precedence over individual interests.

This is not to say that healthy couples don’t ever have individual interests. They often do. But they respect each other’s unique interests while at the same time finding a balance between leisure time spent separately and together. And they work to ensure that individual time doesn’t come at the expense of the marriage.

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!

Unhealthy couples, on the other hand, feel that one or both of the partners is indulging themselves to the detriment of the relationship. They don’t know how to stay balanced.

All work and no play may make Jack a dull boy, but that’s only the beginning. It makes Jack and Jill’s marriage pretty dull, too. Fun, friendship, and romance is likely how your relationship got started. Be sure to intentionally keep it an active part of your relationship forever.

TAKING ACTION

Couples:

Learn to become more intentional with the fun-factor in your marriage.

1. Brainstorm a list of the leisure activities you enjoy together. Be sure to mention “biggies” (e.g., a seven-day cruise) and “little ones” (e.g., playing cards after dinner). A healthy marriage has some of both. Now discuss which ones are easiest to implement at this stage of your life. Which ones have gotten lost in the stepfamily forest but you’d like to rediscover them?
List the leisure activities that you don’t enjoy doing together. It’s okay to have an individual interest or activity that you enjoy as long as investing in it doesn’t steal time from the marriage. Learning to appreciate each other’s separate interests is also respectful toward one another.
Implement a “Protect our time together” policy. Too many couples spoil their date night. An example of this is bringing up stressful or difficult issues to discuss. Couples may have matters that need attention, so they jump on the first opportunity they have away from the kids or office to talk. Unfortunately, that quickly sabotages the mood of the evening, and the fun fizzles out of their experience like air out of a popped balloon. Make a deal with each other not to discuss problem issues on date night. Just enjoy the time together.

Pastors:

Encourage couples to have a regular dose of play time together. You might even keep the church calendar open one weekend a month to encourage couple time.
Encourage couples to serve in ministry together. Many individuals find great reward in volunteering for a ministry, but don’t think to serve together as a couple. Intentionally encourage couples to teach children’s classes, chaperone a student event, or serve on leadership committees together.
Once a year organize a couple’s date night. You can provide child care and encourage the couples to have a structured dialogue that will deepen intimacy. I recommend the 10 Great Dates resources by David and Claudia Arp.

There have been many times as a stepmom when I (Laura) felt like running away from home. The loneliness and frustration often felt overwhelming, and no one seemed to understand. In the earlier years of my second marriage I’d stomp around like a 3-year-old demanding that God do something. I wanted a “normal” marriage, with “normal” problems. Then shame and guilt would consume me for my immaturity, and I’d emotionally pummel myself for being self-centered. It was a never-ending battle. I hated what I was becoming. Crumpling into a chair I’d pray, Lord, I need you to teach me how to survive this marriage and love my stepkids, because left to my own devices, it’s going to get ugly around here. Fortunately, He loves honesty.

For many stepmoms the pain of feeling like an outsider goes soul deep. When we asked a group of stepmoms why they wanted to run away from home, four responses came back repeatedly:

“I feel like a stranger in my own home.”

“I live in constant fear, and the only place I feel safe is in my bedroom.”

“A sense of dread fills me when I come home.”

“I am a nobody in this house.”

Are there ways a stepmom can overcome those feelings? The most successful stories of victory result when the dad recognizes the situation and the two of you conquer the problems together.

Here are some suggestions for what you can do to move forward.

Change the nest. To help you feel more at home, consider making changes. It’s amazing how making the slightest changes to “his” home can help some stepmoms feel like it’s “ours.” If either your husband or the kids are resistant, begin gradually. Your own bedroom is a great place to begin, and then expand from there as able.

Encourage Dad to have alone time with his kids. After my parents divorced and my dad remarried, the only time I had him to myself was the 30-minute ride from my house to his. Once we arrived at his house he was busy doing other things. Now that I’m a stepmother myself, logic would say my childhood experience would have taught me to encourage my husband to have alone time with his sons, but somehow I missed it. One of the biggest mistakes I made as a stepmom was to underestimate the importance of his kids having their dad all to themselves. If I had it to do over again this would be the first item on the list.

The goal for providing exclusive time together is to make your time with them feel less intrusive. It also nurtures the bruised hearts of stepchildren who have lost their family, contact with both parents, and a sense of stability in their lives. These losses likely make them feel anxious about sharing their dad with you because it feels like yet another loss. Giving them time alone with their father often helps to soothe their fearful hearts.

Develop friendships with women. A big mistake women often make after finding the man of their dreams is to eliminate girlfriends. This is not just a stepmom issue. God is my provider, and He is the strong tower to which we run when life becomes frazzled and complicated (Proverbs 18:10); however, He often provides laughter, comfort, advice, and a hot fudge sundae to ease the pain through a much-needed girlfriend.

Stepmoms are frequently ambushed by foreign emotions causing them to wonder, Who is this woman in the mirror? Time laughing or crying with girlfriends can help to restore the inner person that still exists. A few hours with people who know me as “Laura” rather than “the wicked stepmother” helps to restore my personality.

Take baby steps. You may be like me. I was raised to be polite to adults regardless of the circumstances. If my mother detected even a hint of cockiness in my tone of voice, much less body language, there was a severe consequence. Therefore, it is extremely hard for me to fathom a child ignoring or talking back to an adult. In my home this was absolutely forbidden. But times are different.

Many of the isolation issues stepmoms face are due to the fact that the children refuse to speak directly to her. They desire conversation with Dad—only Dad. She is left to ponder, How do you build a relationship with someone who has no desire to converse? How do you hug a porcupine? This is how one woman tackled the issue.

My counselor suggested that I start out small. At first my goal was to have one good interaction with them a day. I began by asking a question or giving a compliment. After I was successful with one per day, I moved it up to two and so on. They finally began to respond to my interest in them. It’s not perfect, but it has gotten better.

Her solution may rub you like sandpaper. My initial reaction was, “That’s ridiculous. Why should an adult need to tiptoe around kids that way?” However, ask yourself this question: Do I want a harmonious home, or do I want to be right? Am I willing to take baby steps toward building a relationship with these kids, or am I going to be sequestered in my bedroom forever? Hiding is easier—that’s for certain—but it doesn’t solve the issues.

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!

Start new traditions. This is not something that will work overnight, but it’s a great place to start. As a stepmom of 23 years, I now share a history of people, places, and things I can laugh about with my stepsons.

But remember, give your stepkids permission to have a past that doesn’t include you. If you wish to join the conversation when your husband or stepkids mention a past memory, instead of retreating and allowing it to ostracize you, share something similar that you remember. It helps them to recognize that you had another life too.

Manage your emotions and fears. When the tender feelings of rejection, estrangement, or isolation become overwhelming, most people respond with the more crass emotions of anger, bitterness, or resentment. These strong negative emotions usually express themselves as criticism, attacking words, or emotional distancing. The problem with this type of response is that it gives the very ones with whom you are trying to connect further reason to withhold themselves from you. The result is increased polarization and loneliness in your home, with both sides feeling justified in blaming the other.

So what can you do? Begin by finding the best time to work through difficult emotions with your husband. If your stepchildren, for example, spent time in another home, wait to discuss emotional issues until his kids are gone. This might make the conversation less reactive since the children aren’t front and center. It also gives you uninterrupted time to have a focused conversation and resolve any issues.

Next, manage your negative emotions and fears so you can speak out of a desire for increased relationship and trust with your husband and stepchildren instead of speaking out of your hurt or resentment.

Finally, seek help. Some of what you are coping with isn’t fair, and you didn’t bring it on yourself. But you do have to deal with it. If problems persist despite your efforts to change your circumstances, it’s time to seek professional help. There are many things you can learn that will help your family through a challenging season of life. It’s best if your husband attends with you, but if he won’t, attend by yourself.

Another option is to join or start a support group for stepmoms or stepfamily couples. Many of the local stepfamily ministries in America were started by someone like you. Find other stepmoms who need a friend. You don’t have to struggle through this alone.

I once received an email about the romantic differences between men and women. It began by asking, “How do you romance a woman?”

Answer: “Wine her, dine her, call her, cuddle with her, surprise her, compliment her hair, shop with her, listen to her talk, buy flowers, hold her hand, write love letters, and be willing to go to the end of the earth and back again for her.” That sounds about right, doesn’t it? Who wouldn’t want that kind of treatment?

Ahhh … men.

The email continued, “How do you romance a man?”

Answer: “Arrive naked. Bring food.”

A woman’s picture of romance tends to revolve around her emotional needs and her thirst for a relationship with her husband. It’s a package deal, like going on a cruise. Your cruise ticket doesn’t just allow you to enjoy sailing on a ship through beautiful waters to exotic locations; it includes three meals a day plus all-you-can-eat midnight buffets, access to swimming pools, games, exercise facilities, entertainment, excursions to ports of call, and a host of other amenities and experiences.

While a man has emotional needs, too, as Dr. Willard Harley asserts in His Needs, Her Needs, a man’s view of romance is much more focused on a single experience: sexual affirmation. In that regard, God wired men and women very differently. As you probably have experienced, these radical differences in approach to romance set the stage for repeated clashes in marriage—the husband pursues romance based on his sexual passion, and the wife goes after relationship.

To know and be known

In order to understand these differences, we have to be educated and nurture a desire to learn about each other. Colossians tells us to “put on a heart of compassion” (3:12 NASB). If I love my husband, then I’ll want to know him, to understand him, to have empathy for him so I can love him more. It’s what we wanted in marriage: to know and be known by another in the safety of unconditional love.

Genesis chapters one and two teach that man and woman are made in the image of God. As I understand how God made my husband, I can better complete him as a man. We are “fearfully and wonderfully made,” the Bible declares (Psalms 139:14 NKJV). My husband’s maleness is as essential as my femaleness in the working out of God’s design in our marriage.

When God created woman, He gave her multiple avenues for expressing the essence of her sexuality—her femaleness. Because I am a woman, I can participate in sexual intercourse with my husband. I can conceive a child and experience the miraculous process of creating a life in my body over nine months. My husband can only watch and wonder, but he’ll never know what giving life is like.

After my child is born, I can physically nurse her for months and even years if I so choose. There is no way men can feed a baby with a bottle and begin to experience the same deep fulfillment and satisfaction women feel when they successfully nurse their child.

The experiences of childbearing and nursing are affirmations of female sexuality. Women were made to nurture life. It is an expression of our inherent femaleness, even if we never have a biological child. We are nurturers by God’s design.

Sexual affirmation

By contrast, a man’s sexuality, his manhood, is primarily expressed through sexual intercourse. Of course, this isn’t the only way he demonstrates his sexuality, but his sexual performance with his wife is an inseparable part of who he is. This area of his masculinity is subjected by the design of the Creator to a brief performance with a woman—his wife.

My point is this: when it comes to affirming your sexuality as a woman, you can participate in intercourse with your husband without having to become aroused. Your husband, however, cannot. His sexual affirmation requires him to be able to perform to complete the act of intercourse.

A wife must understand that temptation can get a foothold when her husband’s sexual needs (including the need to feel desired by his wife) remain unmet. There are many voices in a man’s world tempting him to fulfill his needs through illicit and perverted recreational outlets. Counterfeit pleasures beckon from every street corner—and every modem.

Is it any wonder that all of the warnings about sexual temptation in Proverbs are directed at men? While women are not immune from the pressures of sexual temptation, I find it remarkable that there are a host of examples of men falling into this sin throughout the Scriptures (Judah sleeping with his daughter-in-law thinking she was a prostitute, David and Bathsheba, Samson and Delilah, or Amnon raping Tamar)—not to mention the examples of women trying to seduce men (such as Potiphar’s wife luring Joseph to her sofa), but there are no examples of women being seduced by men.

How to say “not tonight” without crushing his ego

Oil and vinegar

In a way, the blending of our romantic differences is similar to making a good salad dressing. Oil and vinegar are about as dissimilar as condiments get. The only thing they have in common is that they are liquids. Oil is smooth; vinegar is sharp. Oil is thick; vinegar is thin. Left alone in the same bottle, the two will always migrate to opposite ends and remain there forever—unless shaken.

Interestingly even after the bottle has been shaken, the two retain their unique identities. And yet they complement each other in a perfect unity; together, they serve as a zesty finish to an otherwise bland mix of lettuces. And so it is in marriage. No matter how many times a husband and a wife come together, they always remain unique. He will always think like a man; she, like a woman. While their innate design will not change, they can better understand each other and move to love each other with compassion, knowing that, in so doing, they give each other life.

I’ve had women ask me, “Could God possibly design such a gigantic flaw?” Could He really not know the implications for His children? Hardly. God’s design isn’t a mistake. God is in control. He fashioned us together as husband and wife the way we are wired, with our unique backgrounds, for a specific purpose.

And He has done the same for you.

Grateful for God’s design

I turned a corner in our relationship when I chose to begin thanking God for His design of my husband and me. As a result, I started to see how important it was for my husband to need me, and I began to appreciate his greater sexual drive. Our coming together sexually was a key part of what has kept our relationship a marriage—not merely friendship, a roommate living arrangement. Sexual intimacy with my husband gives both of us the comfort of being known and accepted on a deep level that is unlike other human relationship.

Thanking God is a decision I choose to make. From there, I choose to love my husband even if I don’t have strong feelings. Love, ultimately, is a commitment to seek the best of the one loved. I can choose to exercise my power as a passionate, nurturing, fully alive woman, or I can withhold and withdraw.

You face the same decision to love your man today.

Your husband will never be the man God created him to be if you don’t validate his maleness and understand and satisfy his need for sexual intimacy. You are God’s primary instrument of love and affirmation if he is to become God’s man. You have the power to make him or break him, because men are not born, they are made.

If there’s one thing worse than a miserable, lonely single person, it’s a miserable, lonely married person. The irony is that no husband or wife marries with the intention of being isolated from their spouse.

Most people believe that marriage is the cure for loneliness, but I want to warn you: You began battling the dreaded foe of isolation as soon as you drove off on your honeymoon. Isolation has reached epidemic proportions in the most intimate of human relationships. Isolation not only leads to divorce, but it also saps the strength from millions of marriages that still appear intact.

I believe that isolation is Satan’s chief strategy for destroying marriage. Barbara and I feel its dividing tug in our relationship when we have disagreements and misunderstandings. Our busyness repeatedly invites its presence into our marriage.

Like a terminal virus, isolation invades your marriage silently, slowly, and painlessly at first. By the time you become aware of its insidious effects, it can be too late. Your marriage can be disabled by boredom and apathy, and even die from emotional malnutrition and neglect.

What is isolation?

The dictionary will tell you that isolation is “the condition of being alone separated, solitary, set apart,” but I like what our daughter Ashley said once when she slipped into my study to ask me what I was writing about.

“Isolation,” I explained. “Do you know what that means?”

“Oh,” our 10-year-old replied, “that’s when somebody excludes you.”

Ashley’s answer is a profound observation on human relationships. When isolation infects a marriage, a husband and a wife exclude each other. When you’re excluded, you have a feeling of distance, a lack of closeness, and little real intimacy. You can share a bed, eat at the same dinner table, watch the same TV, share the same checking account, and parent the same children—and still be alone. You may have sex, but you don’t have love. Talk, but you don’t communicate. Live together without sharing life.

Because of the alarming number of couples in good marriages who are unaware of this problem, I must state forcefully a sobering truth: Every marriage will naturally move toward a state of isolation. Unless you lovingly, energetically nurture and maintain intimacy in your marriage, you will drift apart from your spouse.

The soul was not created to live solo. We yearn for intimacy, and marriage is where we hope we’ll find it. The tragedy is that few couples achieve it.

A typical story

Barbara and I have seen this death of hope occur in the marriage of some friends. In many ways their story is typical of many others.

This couple enjoyed dating and were married in their early twenties. After a brief honeymoon, they packed up their belongings and moved to a new city. On the two-day drive to their new home, they began to notice their differences. She felt alone and apprehensive about their new life together; he felt puzzled that their conversation had dried up so quickly. Isolation had already begun.

She took a demanding job, and he was promoted in his. Busyness and fatigue set in as they moved into the stream of everyday life. Instead of having companionship, they felt alone. She felt undiscovered, unknown. He felt uncared for.

Initially, the birth of their first child seemed to bring them back together. Later, when she returned to her job, she adjusted her hours to maximize her time with the baby. Life became focused on the child. Their marriage wore down under the draining influence of isolation.

She would bring up a problem. He would quickly deny it or say, “When this phase in our lives passes, things will get better.”

Because their frequent spats became increasingly painful, each retreated and learned to feel safe that way. Both realized that life was smoother when they wore their masks, and they played the marriage game as if there wasn’t anything wrong.

Although they seldom missed church, and no one who knew them would have guessed it, isolation had firmly entrenched itself in their marriage. Had this couple not attended a FamilyLife Weekend to Remember® getaway, their marriage might have continued its spiral farther into isolation and, ultimately, divorce. But at the weekend they recognized they had a problem. They realized they needed to take steps toward oneness as a couple by biblically resolving conflict, listening to each other, and making God the Builder of their home.

Telltale signs of isolation

As it happened with this young couple, isolation starts when husband and wife slowly drift apart in ways they may not recognize at first. Signs include the following:

Feeling that your spouse isn’t hearing you and doesn’t understand.
Having attitudes of, “Who cares?” “Why try?” “Tomorrow we’ll talk about it—let’s just get some sleep.”
Feeling unable to please or meet the expectations of your spouse.
Sensing that he’s detached from you.
Feeling that she’s going her own way.
Refusing to cope with reality: “That’s your problem, not mine.”
Keeping the peace to avoid the conflict rather than experiencing the pain of dealing with reality.

Couples will present a happy facade, keeping house and playing at marriage while real needs go unmet. Unmet needs indicate the presence of isolation in a marriage, and slipping into a state of isolation may seem to offer protection and self-preservation. Although silence feels like a security blanket, it is perilously deceptive.

Many marriages continue for years in a state of armed truce. Competition replaces cooperation, and ugly reality dashes the dreams of hope as conflict unravels the fabric of love and concern. Broken hearts stain pillows with bitter tears.

The choice is yours

Every day, each partner makes choices that result in oneness or in isolation. May I recommend three important choices you need to make?

Choice #1: Resolve to pursue oneness with each other, and repent of any isolation that already exists in your marriage. Remember, you don’t have to be married a long time to be isolated.

Choice #2: Resolve never to go to bed angry with each other. Find a way to resolve your differences and move toward oneness. Realize that often it’s easier to hold a grudge than to forgive. Resentment and oneness cannot coexist.

Choice #3: Resolve to take time to share intimately with each other. Allow your spouse into your life. Ask questions of your spouse, and listen patiently. Learn the art of healthy, transparent communication.

What if you’re already in deep trouble? Swallow your pride. Get help. Call a mentoring couple, your pastor, or a counselor. Don’t allow isolation to take up residence in your home by ignoring it.

Make the right choices, and you’ll know love, warmth, acceptance, and the freedom of true intimacy and genuine oneness as husband and wife. Make the wrong choices, and you’ll know the quiet desperation of living together but never really touching each other deeply.

We were not meant to be alone in the most intimate human relationship God created. Choose today to move toward warmth in each other and away from the chill of isolation.

1. I’m proud of you. And even if you weren’t so fantastic, I’d still be proud.

2. I believe you.

3. The way you _____ is such a perfect addition for our family. God knew just what we needed when He gave us you.

4. I know you and I haven’t been seeing eye-to-eye lately. But I want to let you know that I accept you whether I agree with you or not, and I’m committed to working on our relationship so we both feel understood and secure.

5. I can’t believe how _____ you are. I can’t imagine the plans God has for you!

6. You know, you may not feel very _____, but God knew exactly what He was doing when He made you the way He did, and it was just how He wanted to express Himself. I love you just the way He made you. And I wouldn’t have wanted Him to do it any differently.

7. No matter how royally you mess up, I’ll always be glad you’re mine, I’ll forgive you, and I’ll love your socks off.

8. I saw how you _____. I’m so proud of you.

9. I forgive you. And I won’t bring this up again, okay?

10. I want to hang out with just you tonight. What do you want to do?

11. I remember when I _____. I felt so _____. I don’t know if that’s like what you’re going through, but it was a tough time for me.

12. I’m sorry. Will you please forgive me for _____?

13. I got you this, just because.

14. Lately I’ve really seen you grow in the area of _____, like when you _____.

15. Yes, there is food in the house.

16. I admire the way you _______. In fact, I could learn a lot from you in that area.

17. That was a really wise choice.

18. No chores today.

19. I trust you.

20. You’re really growing into a young man/woman of character. I can’t tell you how exciting that is!

21. Go ahead and sleep in tomorrow.

22. I had no idea you could do that! You impress me.

23. What do you think?

24. I canceled your appointment with the dentist.

25. I love your dad/mom so much! He/she is so _____.

26. I love being around you.

27. I’m so glad you’re home.

28. Thank you!

29. I love doing _____ with you.

30. You are one of the best gifts I’ve ever gotten. I am so humbled God gave me you.

31. I feel so proud when I’m with you.

32. You handled that so well.

33. I made your favorite _____.

34. I’m trusting that God will take perfect care of us. He’s always done it before! Can we pray together about this?

35. With God’s help, your dad/mom and I will never, ever get a divorce.

36. That looks great on you.

37. If I were in your shoes, I would feel so _____. Is that how you feel?

38. Would you turn your music up?

39. You are so well-disciplined in _____.

40. I sent you a big ol’ care package in the mail.

41. That was so courageous.

42. Do you feel like I’m understanding you?

43. If there were one thing you could change about me as your mom/dad, what would it be?

44. You have some real gifts in the area of _____.

45. Let’s go to Grandma’s!

46. It is so cool to watch you grow up.

47. Just wanted to let you know I’m praying for you.

48. I miss you, but I’m glad you’re having a good time!

49. You make me so happy just by being you.

50. I love you so much.

Many moms and dads want to start teaching their children the Bible. Yet those same parents sometimes get paralyzed and never take their first step. The reason is simple … they just don’t know where to start.

Here is one place you could start: The Book of Proverbs is replete with wisdom for life and parenting. The selected verses below are good for your whole family to learn together. They can become the centerpiece of your kitchen table discussions and a tour guide for difficult conversations.

The Book of Proverbs is arguably the most practical book in the entire Bible. So as you search for a place to start in the teaching and instruction of your children, why not start in a place that will make immediate impact? And that impact is not limited to your children … it will happen in mom and dad, too.

Pride/humility

Proverbs 16:18 – Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before stumbling.
Proverbs 3:5-8 – Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body and refreshment to your bones.

It is essential for children to learn of their dependence upon God. Starting while they are young will help for when they get older. (At the same time, it is never too late to start infusing them with truth.)

James 4:6 tell us, “God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Consider the magnitude of this truth. If we allow pride to take up residence in our children, we are poising them to be opposed by God. Grace comes to the humble, and humility only comes when we overcome the lie of self-sufficiency.

Proverbs 16:18 and 3:5-8 can be a great starting point for your children, and your family, to understand the problem with pride. With each small step they take toward humility, they move one small step from positioning themselves against God. This is always good.

The fear of the Lord

Proverbs 1:7 – The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction.
Proverbs 14:27 – The fear of the LORD is a fountain of life, that one may avoid the snares of death.

Though the fear of the Lord is not very popular, it is very necessary. The two verses above are just a small, small sampling of the Scriptures that speak directly to the importance of fearing God.

Once we are aware of our dependency upon Him, we become aware of His power and sway over our lives. This cultivates a healthy fear. And that fear is the very starting point of knowledge, wisdom, and understanding (see Proverbs 1:7 and 9:10).

It is much better for your children to fear the Lord than it is for them to fear you. He is infallible … you are not. He is all-powerful … you are not. He is sovereign … you are not. And, most practically, He is omnipresent … you are not.

Avoiding the fear of man

Proverbs 29:25 – The fear of man brings a snare, but he who trusts in the LORD will be exalted.

Peer pressure is not unique to adolescents. It is everywhere. It is peer pressure that causes children to chaff against their parents: “I don’t want my friend to think I’m weak and cooperative.” It causes one sibling to leave another out: “This game is just for the big kids … not for you.”

The Bible has a term for what we now call “peer pressure”—it is “fear of man.” This does not only mean that you are afraid of a playground bully or a nasty neighbor. It means that you fear the opinion of another, and that fear controls you. It is important to note that, nearly everywhere you find “fear of man” in the Bible, you will find “fear of God” or “trust in God” right alongside it. These two “fears” are in conflict with one another and cannot reside peacefully together.

If we are to be successful in cultivating a healthy fear of God in our families and with our children, we must at the same time train ourselves away from the fear of man. Learning and memorizing this proverb will benefit your family now and throughout your lives.

Receiving instruction/criticism/wisdom from others

Proverbs 12:15 – The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel.
Proverbs 15:32 – He who neglects discipline despises himself, but he who listens to reproof acquires understanding.

Through the church, God calls us into relationships with others. These relationships are not optional; they are essential. So, too, is learning to receive what God wants to say to us through these relationships. This is no less true of an 8-year-old than it is of a 48-year-old. We all need wisdom, and God often chooses to give it through the mouth of a wise counselor.

We not only need to learn of the limited wisdom that we ourselves possess. We also need to learn of the importance of being surrounded by wise people. It is good to consider the advice of others. It is better if those others are wise and not foolish advisors.

Children, from toddlers to teenagers, resist depending on the wisdom of others. There is a good reason for that. They are people, just like us. This tendency is not limited to children … it covers us all. So committing these passages to our memories can go a long way toward preparing our hearts to accept counsel—wise counsel.

When life gets hard

Proverbs 18:10 – The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous runs into it and is safe.

It’s difficult for children to understand hardships in life. Even when our children are teenagers, life gets very confusing when it’s less than perfect. Do you recall the overwhelming sentiment that swept across the nation on 9/11? Why would God allow something like this?

The truth is that God does not always provide answers for why we experience hardships. That does not mean, however, that God does not provide help. Even in the midst of our confusion and lack of understanding, God provides a refuge for us in times of trouble.

Not every difficulty will hit your children when you are around. They need to know where to run when life gets hard on their own. They need to learn, like you do, that God is always present and always available for the righteous. And, in the midst of confusion, we sometimes need something more than understanding; we sometimes need safety. We need a safe place to be confused, hurt, or broken. In reply, God says, “Come to me.”

When God and I disagree

Proverbs 21:3 – To do righteousness and justice is desired by the LORD more than sacrifice.

God does not make light of our heartfelt sentiment. However, He does not make it His most prized goal. In more than just this verse, God lets us know that He desires our obedience. Not because we earn something by it, but because when we obey, we acknowledge with our actions that His wisdom is supreme … not ours.

God does delight in sacrifice. He delights in our service, in our passionate worship, in our love for Him. However, true love for God does not express itself in disobedience. So, even more than our sacrifices, God desires for us to do righteousness and justice.

When they are young, children have an opportunity to practice this proverb under their parents’ authority. As they grow, that authority passes ultimately to its only deserving object—God Himself. Then as adults, and even as parents, we have a chance to model this verse for our children.

Most important of all

Proverbs 4:23 – Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life.

We desire for the springs of life to flow freely from the hearts of our children, our spouse, even ourselves. However, a neglected heart is full of dams and dikes, redirecting and blocking the otherwise free-flowing springs of life. Where have these obstacles come from?

They come from the sin we tolerate … from the wrong things we let in … from the good things we refuse to let in. Ultimately, they come from neglecting to watch over our hearts with all diligence. In the lives of our young children, they often come from neglecting to diligently watch over their hearts.

The truth behind this proverb will begin to equip everyone in your family to guard over their hearts. It will stand as a sentry when you can’t be with your children. It will stand as a reminder when you fail to be as aware as you ought. God can, and will, use this verse to prompt proper thinking and pure decision-making in your life … and the lives of your family.

A great beginning

Once you’ve committed these to memory as a family, celebrate together. It is a great feat to set aside the time that is necessary to do this … and then a greater one to actually do it. However, don’t stop there. The Word of God is full of wisdom for both life and godliness. Find other proverbs, move to some of the psalms, or consider the gospels or other books from the New Testament. Regardless of where you go in the Scriptures, the key is to keep on going. God will make good on this promise:

For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return there without watering the earth and making it bear and sprout, and furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater; so will My Word be which goes forth from My mouth; it will not return to Me empty, without accomplishing what I desire, and without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it (Isaiah 55:10-11).

Before the industrial revolution, it was common for men to spend much of their day in the company of their sons—either on the family farm or in the family business. In those settings, dads could teach their sons practical lessons as well as the lessons of leadership, protection, and provision expected of manhood.

Today, work, school, extracurricular activities, and even church take fathers and sons in separate directions. Dads, therefore, have to be intentional about creating opportunities to teach their sons—to model manhood, to teach industry and resourcefulness. One way to do that is to work through a list of things that fathers can teach sons.

You can work through such a list in one of two ways: either (1) by setting aside a regular father/son time to take on one item at a time (one dad started this routine and calls it “Manhood Mondays”) or by (2) just taking the time to instruct your son anytime you’re about to do one of these tasks yourself. It’s not efficient, but the investment of your time can be priceless. Whether you do it proactively, reactively, or both, what matters most is taking the time to build a legacy with your son(s).

Don’t freak out by what is or isn’t on the list here. These are meant to be examples of what engagement looks like, but you can adapt this or just see it as a headstart for your own list. You’ll notice that many of the skills listed here can be bypassed by modern technology in most industrially-advanced countries. Making the effort to teach these, however, will give you valuable time with your son(s) and will give you a practical opportunity to present principles of leading, protecting and providing, all the while building confidence in their abilities as emerging men.

1. Speak in public—there’s power in the spoken word.

2. Read good books—leaders are readers.

3. Play an instrument—especially because of the discipline required.

4. Play individual, two-person, and team sports.

5. Build a fire.

6. Camp out—pitch the tent, cook stuff over the fire, the whole thing.

7. Carve a turkey.

8. Light a grill.

9. Jump start a car.

10. Tie a knot—such as a bowline, square knot, taut-line, and figure eight, among others.

11. Use basic tools—hammer, saw, wrench, screwdriver.

12. Paint a room—trim and all.

13. Handle a gun and a knife—for safety, protection, sport, and hunting.

14. Skin an animal.

15. Be a gentleman—open doors, stand when a woman approaches at dinner, etc.

16. Grow stuff—and not just a Chia pet.

17. Iron a shirt—and do laundry and other work around the house in a manly way.

18. Manage money—keep a balanced checkbook, show generosity, and learn basic saving and investing.

19. Shake a hand—strong shake (save the tuna for dinner) and look ’em in the eye.

20. Give a man hug—skip the side hug, and go arms spread eagle with bold back slaps.

21. Keep vows.

22. Dress like a gentleman—coordinate pants, shirts, jackets, ties, belts, socks, etc., appropriately to the occasion.

23. Tip—for example at least 15% for a waiter, $1 for a checked coat, $1 per
bag for curbside check in at airport, etc.

24. Serve others—shovel walks, help with heavy loads, etc.

25. Handle loss—sports and games in preparation for loss in work and relationships.

Taken from A Guide to Biblical Manhood by Randy Stinson and Dan Dumas. Copyright © 2011 by SBTS Press, a division of The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

March 2008

By the time my husband, David, and I celebrated our fourth anniversary, our newlywed relationship was solid both spiritually and relationally, so we knew it was time to begin our familial legacy. Now I’m happy to say that on May 4, we’re expecting our first child—a son, Benjamin Robert Beasley—to make an entrance into the world.

I am now in my seventh month of pregnancy, watching the weeks tick by. Sometimes these last few weeks appear to be long and burdensome like walking in deep mud; other times they seem blurry, like objects you see while rolling down a hill. As you can probably imagine, there have been a lot of changes in my life, and I’ve struggled with them more than I thought I would.

I can honestly say pregnancy has been the most difficult yet fascinating experience of my life. Like all new expectant mothers, I’ve had thoughts of fear—health concerns, life and death issues, “what if” scenarios. But I think one of the most difficult battles for me has been the fear of losing my identity.

David and I made the decision early on that the best choice for our family would be for me to quit my job and stay home with our children. We will have to make some financial sacrifices, but it is possible. In my heart, I know that this is most definitely the best decision we can make, but I would be lying if I said I haven’t struggled with the thought of leaving my job as a writer and editor at FamilyLife. I have found a great deal of fulfillment in reaching marriages and families through the Internet, and to leave that is like leaving a piece of my heart.

The Inner Battle

There was a tug-of-war going on in my mind as I battled out the pros and cons of leaving my job. One side of me overflowed with joy that I have the honor and privilege to stay home with my children. I know I’ll be there to hear my baby’s first words and see his first steps. I’ll have the freedom to take him to the park and the zoo, and I won’t have to worry about who’s going to care for him when he’s sick or how we’re going to afford childcare.

The other side of me, however, turned inward, wondering what was going to happen to me and my contribution to the work of the Kingdom. As a believer, I have an overwhelming passion and commitment to spread the gospel, share principles from God’s Word, and participate in ministry on a larger level than my own home.

I realize that there will be opportunities to use my skills from home in many different ways, but reality tells me that I won’t have much time for regular projects and duties like I had before, especially early on. I kept hearing the warnings of other moms echoing in my mind:

“Sleep when the baby sleeps.”
“You won’t even have time to clean house.”
“It’s going to be hard to get anything done except to feed and change the baby. And about the time you get that routine down, he’ll start crawling, then walking. You’ll have less and less time for other things.”

The more comments like this I heard, the more I saw myself shriveling away. I wondered if all my skills and talents were going to wither away, as well. Is writing one of those “use it or lose it” skills, or is it more like “riding a bike”? I felt somewhat embittered as my husband excelled in his job, receiving accolades and trips, while I began the process of hiring a replacement and moving over files and projects to co-workers.

A Moment of Peace

Back and forth the battle raged within me. Feeling somewhat selfish, I mainly kept my thoughts to myself, except for the occasional outburst to my patient husband. But I finally confessed to a dear sister in Christ, Nikki. I explained my inner struggle and my fear of losing my identity. She kindly sympathized, but her response brought a momentary hush to my inner battlefield:

“You won’t lose your identity. You will just find out more about yourself than you ever knew before.”

I never thought that way about being a mother. Until that moment, I thought of my decision to be a stay-at-home mom as a choice to basically become someone else—a person with a different vision, focus, and purpose in life. I felt I had to choose between my old self and my new mother-self. But Nikki’s words reminded me that God created us with multiple dimensions, and there are parts of who I am that have not even been explored yet.

Nikki sees motherhood as an adventure, rather than an overthrow of one’s personality. It was as if she was telling me that my life hasn’t come to an end, but that it is just beginning. There are still many treasures to uncover on this adventure, not just in the joy of seeing my baby grow, but also in seeing myself grow. And all of this won’t take the place of who I am, but become a new facet of whom I already am.

Seeking the Treasure

I wish I could say that Nikki’s words have taken away all my inner fears and battles. They haven’t. But one thing has changed; when the battle begins to rage, I know where to put my focus now—not on losses but on gains. In addition to a growing belly, I can see a growing character and a closer walk with God. I can look for the things that God is trying to show me and treasure them, like Mary the mother of Christ who wisely “treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart” (Luke 2:19).

Here are just a few examples of the treasures I’ve collected so far:

I’ve seen how God is causing me to face my fears, challenging me to walk by faith, not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7). By going through this experience, I am forced to trust Him by handing over the unknown and finding peace in His sovereignty.
I’ve seen how God provides comfort in time of need by bringing believers across my path to give me the encouragement (and sometimes exhortation) I need (1 Thessalonians 5:11).
I’ve learned an even deeper love and appreciation for David as I’ve seen the ways he has tenderly cared for me during rough days of pregnancy and the sacrifices of his own that he’s been willing to make.
I’ve seen how God continues to use life’s circumstances to chip away at my selfishness, refining me day by day.

All of these treasures, and this is just the start.

It won’t be long until the path of pregnancy takes me to the land of mommy-hood. I’ll camp out in pre-school valley for a while, learning and growing along with my new baby (and more children if God wills it). And when my children begin school, I’m sure there will be a new crisis of identity where I get to learn even more things about who God has created me to be.

But for now, I’m working to take that sage advice from mothers before me and “enjoy it while I can.” Little Benjamin will be here in just a short time, and I look forward to meeting him and growing in our new lives together. As he learns about the world from his newborn eyes, I’ll be learning about it from a new mother’s eyes. And perhaps I’ll even get a glimpse of how God plans to use this part of my life for His glory and to fulfill the next part of my identity in Him.

There are lots of positive things about being good friends with your daughter. I’ve talked to moms who say their adult daughter is their very closest, best friend. They shop together and tell each other everything. We all want connection with our daughters. But when Mom sees her daughter as her main confidante or they become overly close, it can hinder a healthy transition to adulthood. That was the case for Julie.

Julie and her mother had always been close. Yet from high school on, her biggest struggle was that her mom was so involved in her life it was suffocating. She appreciated and loved her mom, but during the college years she wanted a little distance to grow. But her mom kept needing to be needed. She was dependent on her daughter’s dependency, which fostered insecurity in Julie. This sweet, caring mother had done everything for her daughter when she lived at home and then kept doing everything even through her daughter’s twenties (her taxes, reconciling her checkbook, and doing her laundry, all of which Julie was capable of doing herself). “You’re so busy; come home this weekend and I’ll get it all done.” Her mom did all this with the best of intentions, and she expected a lot from her daughter in return.

Julie’s dad had been emotionally absent early on, so as a child Julie was expected to be her mom’s listener. Hers was the shoulder her mother cried on when she was upset. Being mom’s main emotional support felt spiritual and noble, especially when she had to sacrifice some of her own fun times with friends, but it was actually detrimental to the process of Julie’s learning to grow up and live her own life.

When she started pulling away in small steps during college, like spending the weekend on campus for an activity with friends, her mom asked guilt-producing questions like, “Why aren’t you coming home more?” or “Are your friends more fun than I am?”

Being a compliant people pleaser, Julie got sucked into an enmeshed relationship with her mother. She gave up a lot of her own perfectly normal desires and interests in order to go home when her mom needed companionship or to call her more often than she had time for.

Julie’s mom didn’t realize she was manipulating situations and thereby preventing her daughter from being a stable, healthy adult. Mom’s hyper-involvement eventually not only hurt Julie’s ability to feel good about herself and live her own life, it also hurt their relationship.

Consequently, while her greatest wish was for her daughter to get married, Julie’s mother didn’t realize her overinvolvement was a big part of the reason her daughter wasn’t developing a relationship with a guy. When Julie didn’t marry through her twenties and early thirties, her mom asked from time to time, out of real concern, “Don’t you want to get married?” This is never a good question for us to ask.

Mom and daughter operated in this kind of dysfunctional connection for a decade before Julie realized the growing venom and resentment she felt toward her mom. She’d started avoiding her, and when they were together, Julie was either curt or silent. Then Julie sought counseling to find a way to detach with love, forgive, and live her own life while still honoring her mother.

At first her mother resisted the change in their relationship. She cried, balked, and felt sorry for herself. But as Julie stood her ground and learned how to separate and draw some healthy boundaries, her mother finally got the message: She needed to have her own life, not try to live through her daughter. She got involved in a Bible study and community projects, participating in life on her own for a change. Through those groups she made some new friends.

As Julie and her mom created some space from each other, their mother-daughter relationship became more open, and what her mother had longed for happened: Julie drew close and began to enjoy her mom more than ever—quite a contrast to spending time with her because she felt obligated to. That’s what happens when we allow our daughters to grow into the adults they’re supposed to be. Then they are free to return on their own timetable.

Just as Julie and her mom experienced from establishing boundaries, our relationships with our own daughters will actually be much healthier and the time we do spend together more enjoyable if we do the same.

Breaking unhealthy ties

In her book The Emotionally Destructive Relationship, Leslie Vernick points out the following signs of a too close, emotionally destructive relationship: one person is regularly overprotective, overbearing—or both—toward the other; one person is overdependent upon the other to affirm her personal value and worth and meet all her needs; one person exhibits chronic indifference, neglect, or both toward the thoughts, feelings, or well-being of the other.

If you sense your daughter and you have been a bit too close for comfort or you’re dissatisfied with her distance, maybe it’s time to reconnect with yourself. Take some time to get to know yourself better and identify your hopes and dreams, your “bucket list” of things you want to do while you’re still on this side of the grass. Get comfortable with just being with yourself, journaling your thoughts and feelings, and being fine with solitude.

And make time to cultivate your own friendships. That’s one of the best things we moms can do for our daughters, especially during the college and twenty-something years when our daughter’s developmental task is to separate from us. We can share thoughts and appropriate feelings, of course, but it’s not a daughter’s job to be the repository of intimate details of your life. It’s vital to avoid confiding to her toxic feelings about her father (or another family member) that will negatively affect her relationship with that person. It’s not her job to be your therapist. That’s too heavy a burden to bear.

When you shape her into that role, it brings turmoil during a formative stage of her life and can mess up her own sense of identity and sexuality. She’s still your daughter, and you are not her little girl. If you don’t switch the roles, the relationship will be healthier—and isn’t that what you want? Your daughter will be freer to live her life and develop her own identity, friendships, and interests. And as you are available without hovering and detached without cutting her off, she’ll have the emotional energy she needs for learning and tackling the normal challenges of her adult years.

The key is balance

As mothers, when we find our own best friends (in addition to close communication with our husbands, if they are in the picture), it doesn’t diminish our relationship with our daughter. It enhances our bond with her. We need women we can confide in and trust because developing connections with other women is part of taking care of ourselves. In the process, we not only have an opportunity to be deeply honest with someone who is better equipped to support us, but we get to have fun too.

It comes down to a balance—not a disconnected, I’m-too-busy-for-you stance or a too-close-for-comfort, enmeshed relationship with our daughter. Let her know you’re there for her when she needs someone to talk to, and then listen well when she takes you up on the offer. Invite her to meet you at a coffee shop, and don’t take it personally if she’s not able to fit that into her schedule. Be her greatest encourager in all the steps along the way as she becomes a full-fledged adult. And while you’re at it, enjoy the freedom to have a life of your own.

Excerpted from Mother-Daughter Duet by Cheri Fuller and Ali Plum. Copyright ©2010 by Cheri Fuller and Ali Plum. Excerpted by permission of Multnomah Books, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

I knew a young couple that announced from the beginning of their daughter’s life that they were not going to discipline her until she was able to talk. To them, words would indicate under-handing on the part of their child, and that was the guideline they established. Although their daughter was still not talking at eighteen months old, they continued with their strategy: “no discipline until Mandi is able to talk to us.”

Mandi was no dummy, and I watched her get by with some pretty defiant behavior while keeping her mouth shut. In fact, it is my theory (never to be proven or disproved) that Mandi was capable of talking long before she finally uttered her first words. She knew that sooner or later she would talk, and the jig would be up. Then her parents would go to “part two” of the program and begin to discipline her. She held out as long as she could, until around the age of two as I recall, and then she gave in. If Mandi was a strong-willed child like Aaron, she might still be silent today!

How to discipline a strong-willed child

So how do you discipline a strong-willed child? There are many different ways. A parent can give the child an explanation or a “time-out.” These are sometimes quite effective. So is spanking. We did not use only one form of discipline with our strong-willed child or with our other children. The most important thing to remember is that discipline must NEVER be administered in anger. Spanking is a form of discipline that does not require a long time frame to accomplish. Someone asked me once if I typically used a timeout with my strong-willed child. No, I didn’t. As I reflected on Aaron’s strong-willed nature, I realized that if I had, he would probably still be in time out and would not have been able to attend college. No, we had a paddle, “Mr. Sore Butt.” I know, it’s not a very elegant title, and I’m sure my mother would have preferred the name “Mr. Sore Bottom.” Nevertheless, it was effective.

Punishment is meant to deter negative behavior, that is, to dissuade and discourage inappropriate or potentially dangerous behavior and defiance. Your punishment must have impact. A light tap on the bottom of a diapered strong-willed toddler is not accomplishing your goal of punishment.

Setting boundaries … and keeping them

What about the parent who sets the boundaries, witnesses her child cross them, follows through on the predetermined discipline, and then begins to feel sorry for her child, and cancels the punishment in midstream, before the entire “sentence” is served? Woe to that parent. The fancy term for what transpired is intermittent reinforcement. Modern science has proved that sporadically reinforced behavior is very difficult to extinguish.

Parents exercise intermittent reinforcement for two main reasons. They feel sorry for their child. (After all, Little Johnny has been inside for two whole days now, and all the neighborhood kids are frolicking right outside his window.) Or, they are too exhausted to administer the punishment. Strong-willed children are persistent, and as the parent of one, it is important for you to be more persistent. If your strong-willed child can wear you down or convince you that you were overboard with your discipline, he will. If you are inconsistent with your discipline, your strong-willed child will battle longer, imagining that this is another time that you will give in. If you are consistent, the chances of your strong-willed child eventually giving up the fight are increased.

Giving in is the opposite of winning the battle. It is losing the battle. Remember that winning the battle is one of the “Rules of the Road” for a successful journey. I was most guilty in this department when it came to potty training. Again, there was a stark contrast between my first, compliant child, and my second, strong-willed child.

I can still hear my mother saying, “All you have to do is feed him oatmeal for breakfast, every day at the same time, and then have him sit on the potty.” It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? And that is exactly what I did with Matthew, and within weeks he was done having accidents. (Do I need to remind you again of my amazing skills as a mother? Just wait, my big head will deflate soon enough.) So what did I do with Aaron? Why, of course, I did the same thing. And when he didn’t respond as rapidly as his older brother, I immediately tried plan B. That was the reward plan, as I recall. And in a few days when that had no obvious result, I went to plan C. I think that one was some kind of a point system. By plan F, I was thoroughly frustrated with Aaron and with potty training. Talk about something that he alone was able to control. In retrospect, I realize that I was not consistent or persistent. I intermittently reinforced his noncompliance by switching strategies. In short, I didn’t do a very good job. Fortunately, he finally decided that it was in his best interest to join the ranks of the potty trained.

Parents, every day you have to decide where you’ll draw the line—what behavior is permissible and what will not be tolerated. You’ll have to be ready for battle every day until your child makes his own decision to stop battling. The hope is that his determination for control will lessen each day. But until he decides to acquiesce, I guarantee you that you will be pushed and tested. The more often you give in, the worse it will get, and the longer the process will take. If you hold firm, your strong-willed child will eventually give up engaging in many of the fights. Don’t be shortsighted. Raising a strong-willed child is not a sprint; it’s a marathon.

Sometimes kids say it best. When asked what she wishes her mom would do differently while dating, Rachel, a smart young graduate student, replied, “I wish she would recognize her own impulsivity and emotional rollercoaster. She does and says things without recognizing that to some extent our whole family is dating this guy. This year I came home four times from college and he was in town every single time. After I went back to campus each time Mom said, ‘I never get to see you!’ Yes, well, that’s because you were with your boy.”

Dating for two is difficult; dating in a crowd is downright complicated. The kids are engaged, at least on some level, even when you don’t think they are. And everyone has strong emotions and opinions about who is involved and what the outcome might be. In other words, the whole family is dating. Table for 20!

Here are a number of dating “best practices” for single parents:

1. Realize that you’re not just forming a relationship; you’re creating a family. When kids predate dating, the couple’s relationship inherently creates competing attachments. The choice to be with the dating partner or children generally means the other is left waiting … and wondering how their relationship with you is being influenced by your relationship with the other.

In addition, children commonly feel some insecurity by mom or dad’s relationship with another person. Wise singles recognize this important dynamic and don’t assume that becoming a couple necessarily means that they can become a family. They attend to both and take time assessing how the potential stepfamily relationships are developing.

2. Avoid a quick turn-around. Parents who begin dating quickly after the end of a relationship (whether by death or divorce) or who reach a quick decision to marry after a brief dating period often find their children more resistant to the marriage. This sabotages the ability of a stepparent and stepchild to get off on the right foot with one another and puts the family at risk.

3. Healthy dating begins with self-examination. Smart singles take a good long look in the mirror before dating. They examine their motivations for dating, fears (e.g., their children not having a father), loneliness, and unresolved hurt (e.g., after divorce). How do you know when you’re ready to date? When you don’t need to.

4. Engage in “What if?” conversations. Even before dating, single parents begin a series of conversations with their children that ask, “What if I began dating? How would you feel?” Periodically, they engage the conversation again and again: “What if Sara and I began dating regularly?” “What if John’s kids came over every Friday through the summer?” “What if she and I were to get engaged?”

Each dialogue is both assessment (How are my kids feeling about these possibilities and realities?) and intervention as it prepares them for what might happen. Smart single parents don’t let their children’s emotions dictate their dating progress, but they do listen and give serious consideration to how the children are feeling (becoming a couple is up to you; whether you become a family is up to them). Engage in these conversations throughout your dating experience, especially in anticipation of each stage of a developing relationship.

5. Offer soft invitations to older children. Teens and adult children need to move toward your dating partner at their own pace. If you make it your agenda to get them to accept your partner and relationship, you may be shooting yourself in the foot.

Instead, make opportunities for them to get to know each other, but don’t force it. Soft invitations such as, “Roger will be having dinner with me on Saturday. You are welcome to join us if you’d like.” Show respect and allow relationships to develop at their own pace.

6. Acknowledge and label child fears. Children of all ages, young to old, benefit when a parent says, “I can see that the idea of my dating scares you. You are missing Mom/our family/etc. and probably don’t want any more changes to our family. I get it. I appreciate your being honest with me.”

Use phrases like “this scares you,” “you’re afraid that our family won’t be the same,” or “you don’t want to have to change schools or leave your friends.” This type of response validates the child’s fears. It also shows them their feelings are important to you, keeps the communication door open, and helps children put labels on their own emotions (which is very important for young children especially).

7. Pace and balance your dating. If you fall in love don’t abandon your kids by spending all of your free time with your newfound love. It’s tempting, but doing so taps your child’s fears that they are losing you and gives the false impression to your dating partner that you are totally available to them. You’re not. Don’t lose your balance.

8. Arrange the “meeting the kids” time with care. Early on your kids may meet your date, but the first few dates should primarily be about the two of you. At first reference your date as “a friend” or if your kids are prepared, call them your “date.” Casual introductions are fine when you start dating someone, but don’t proactively put your kids and the person together until you are pretty sure there are real possibilities for the relationship. This is especially true for children under the age of five, who can bond to someone you are dating more quickly than you can.

As your interest in the person grows, gradually become more intentional about finding time for your significant other and your kids to get together. Tread lightly at first and continue to monitor and process everyone’s fears or concerns. If the other person has children as well, it might be wise to orchestrate early get-togethers with just one set of children.

You might, for example, engage in an activity with your friend and their children one weekend and then have your friend join you and your kids the next. Navigating multiple new relationships can be overwhelming. Breaking the two families into parts can be helpful initially. Eventually, though, assuming your dating relationship continues to deepen, you’ll want to get everyone together for a shared activity.

9. Expect hot/cold reactions. Liking a parent’s dating partner sometimes creates a loyalty problem for kids: They don’t know how to embrace everyone and not hurt feelings (especially the other biological parent). Because they are caught in a loyalty conflict, children sometimes warm up nicely to the person you are dating and then turn cold. Sometimes they vacillate back and forth. Don’t panic or judge the children too harshly. Confusion comes with the territory. Relax and work with what they give you.

10. Articulate your silhouette. Since you can’t judge lasting love by physical accoutrements or initial biochemical attractions, you need an objective measure of the qualities, attributes, and character of the person you are looking for. But you also need—and here’s where single parents fall short—a silhouette of the type of family you are hoping to create. If the person you are dating isn’t good parent material (with your kids or theirs), for example, you ought to move on. Yes, not liking the fit between the person you are dating and your kids is a deal breaker, even if you love him or her as a partner.

11. Learn all you can about stepfamily living. Nearly 20 years of counseling, coaching, and training blended families has revealed to me this secret of successful blended family couples: They work harder at getting smarter about stepfamily living.

Getting smarter means learning all you can about how stepfamilies function, operate best, and why they have the unique complexities that they do. You may know how to drive a car, but driving in snow and icy conditions requires a different knowledge and skill set. Nearly all blended families have inclement weather to manage as they drive (especially in the first few years), so adopt the attitude of a learner.

Over Thanksgiving weekend I opened up my Facebook page. The first thing I saw was a friend’s announcement that she was having a baby. Next was a notice that another friend had just delivered her baby. Following these were a half-dozen engagement and “save the date” announcements.

As much as I rejoice in the happy news from my friends, each notice also reminded me that I am single. Especially at this time of year, the “engagement season” between Thanksgiving and Christmas when lots of proposals happen.

With every engagement I see, I can’t help but feel inadequate. I feel more alone than ever. Suddenly, I’m transported back in time to every failed relationship. My heart involuntarily turns bitter. My stomach knots up. I’m instantly consumed by a spirit of loneliness. When I’m continually surrounded by peers falling in love and getting engaged, I feel as though my life is in transit to the next stop in my life. Just waiting for the next thing to happen.

I find myself asking, “Does God even see the desires of my heart?”

If you’re anything like me, you dread the feelings this season brings. I want to reassure you that your feelings are real, valid, and Jesus sees them. Your feelings and your heart matter to Him greatly.

We all have a desire to experience a passionate, deeply rooted, compassionate love better than any novel, movie, or love song. We look to another person to provide that love. What we need to learn is that this love is something only God can provide.

Although those desires are real, feelings of inadequacy and doubt come from the enemy. John 10:10 says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” The enemy wants nothing more than to steal truth, kill the hope you have in Jesus, and destroy all faith that God will fulfill His promises.

Every promise He makes, He fulfills. As much as I desire to be married, God does tell me that He loves me with an “everlasting love” (Jeremiah 31:3). In Romans 8 He says nothing will separate us from His love. So here are some practical things I’ve done to put my eyes on Christ.

1. Focus on and abide in Him. In Matthew 14:29-33, the story of Jesus walking on water, Jesus calls for Peter to come to Him. When Peter steps out of the boat and has his eyes on Jesus, he is able to walk on water. But as soon as he takes his eyes off Jesus, he begins to sink.

In life, when our focus shifts off the Lord and onto fears, doubt, and other problems we face, we lose sight of Jesus. When we don’t focus on who He says we are, we become consumed by the raging waters of doubt.

2. Be in conversation with God. If Jesus made it a priority to get alone with God, we need to make it a priority as well. It’s not enough to just be around the things of God; we also need to be in conversation with God.

Ask Him to align your heart with His. Invite the Holy Spirit to walk with you daily. Ask God to give you the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:16-26) so that emotions about engagement season aren’t a hindrance. We need the Holy Spirit to work in us so that He can work through us.

At the end of the day, you can’t give what you don’t have, so seek God about it. Ask Him to show you the areas where you need growth. Pray that God will work within you to make you more like Him … and that if marriage is in your future He will mold you into the person your future spouse needs.

3. Praise Him. Philippians 1:6 says that “he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Knowing that God completes what He starts and fulfills all of His promises, we should praise him for our “eventuallys.” In this growth period, praise God also for what you will eventually become. He deserves our praise now when we are in the middle of transit.

Praise Him for who He says you are. I once had a pastor that said, “I know who I am, because of whose I am.” Praise Him for who he says you are and declare it.

David’s new marriage was on the verge of failure. It wasn’t that he didn’t love his wife; they just could not agree on how much responsibility their children should have. This one disagreement led to a number of arguments and strained relationships throughout the home.

With each conflict, David became more convinced that the family was fragile and couldn’t handle his honest feelings or opinions. His fear led him to believe that he could never reveal his true self. He found himself answering his wife’s questions with what he thought she wanted to hear rather than the honest, transparent truth. He didn’t want to bother her or create a rift in the home.

Yet the more David hid his true feelings, the more bitter and angry he became. Every time David successfully put off another conflict with his peaceful, happy face, he stored up resentment toward his wife or stepchildren for “controlling him.”

David didn’t know how much longer he could continue living under these circumstances. As much as he tried to save the marriage by avoiding conflict, his reluctant compliance was destroying the very relationship he wanted to protect.

Maybe you’ve lived like David in your own stepfamily. You’ve put on a smile and a good show. You’ve attempted to preserve the relationship and guarantee harmony, often agreeing to things that you might otherwise disagree with just to keep the peace. But there is a better, more productive way to communicate and still have a healthy home.

Be honest in a loving way

A common pattern in remarriages is for spouses to have the perception that their new relationship is fragile. As a result, they respond to one another out of fear that they, in the words of Colonel Jessep in the movie A Few Good Men, “can’t handle the truth.” So husbands and wives veil their feelings and live dishonestly, because they assume that the other person will become easily angered.

The same can be true for stepchild/stepparent relationships. Stepchildren wonder if their stepparent is trustworthy, and stepparents fear hurting their stepchild’s feelings and pushing them further away. So each of them chooses to cover up their true opinions.

But healthy relationships are ones in which truth is valued and shared. As the Apostle Paul admonishes us in Ephesians 4:25, “Having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.” You can’t have a healthy relationship without honesty, and you can’t have honesty when you sugarcoat the truth or assume pressure will shatter relationships.

At the same time, we should be honest with one another in a loving way—even when it includes anger. In the very next verse, Paul says, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27). We should manage our frustrations in such a way that it doesn’t become a foothold for Satan.

We must discipline ourselves to act appropriately even during conflict. That means speaking rationally and not calling names or placing blame. It means looking for compromise that benefits everyone, not just yourself or your biological child.

Further in Ephesians 4:29, Paul encourages us to manage how we talk so that our words are not corrupting or unwholesome, but edifying, building others up. Remaining silent never solves anything, but using words to tear down another person only makes the problem worse.

Everything you say must be done with the clear goal of resolution, not from a desire to wound. The goal is building up the relationship, not winning the fight with your spouse or stepchildren.

Live the truth

The driving force behind hiding your feelings is fear, the greatest enemy to healthy relationships. When a person’s fears are deeply ingrained from past experiences or even an oversensitive personality, it’s hard to change their way of thinking. But just as I told David, “The hard part is you have to live the truth before knowing whether or not it is the truth.”

Sometimes the only way to conquer fear is to face it, gently pressing through and living truthfully in spite of the way you believe people will respond. It requires taking a risk, acting with love, and testing how living out God’s statutes really impacts the home.

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!

While counseling David, I challenged him to try an experiment. “You’ve become convinced that your family is delicate,” I said. “I wonder what would happen if you responsibly share your true feelings and opinions with your wife in a healthy, collaborative manner, instead of avoiding the truth. You might discover that your family and your relationships are not as brittle as you think. The only way you’ll know is to test it.”

After a couple of weeks of being assertive with the truth, but respectful, David reported that his wife was more capable of hearing him than he anticipated. Even more importantly, he was more capable than he thought of managing his strong emotions responsibly.

As we processed the experiment, David summarized his discoveries: First, his wife isn’t fragile. Second, their relationship isn’t fragile. And third, he was not as fragile as he perceived himself to be. This last one surprised him most. On the occasions when his wife was troubled by his response, he learned that he could cope with her disappointment far better than he realized.

In total, David learned that he didn’t have to live in fear of his wife’s responses or his reaction to her responses. Most importantly, he was reminded that God’s will for our lives is by far the best blueprint for families—even stepfamilies.

Second Timothy 1:7 says, “God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” You don’t have to face your fears alone. The Holy Spirit gives believers the ability to be motivated by love, not fear; and when you reach into the spiritual realm and trust God’s Word, you will see the benefits.

No matter how fragile you think your family may be, trust God that His principles work!

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After pouring over my information for years really, something hit me. Almost all sibling rivalry problems are rooted in one thing. That one thing is selfishness.

Greed, jealousy, needing attention, and inability to understand others all have roots in being selfish. “I want it my way and no one else matters.”

I wondered what could be done in my children’s lives to affect their tendency to act this way. Then I came across the story of six-year-old Zach Bonne. He is an ordinary kid from Florida. He heard on the radio that people in New Orleans needed water after Hurricane Katrina hit. He set out with a red wagon into his neighborhood to collect water to send to Louisiana. He ended up sending 27 truckloads of water.

Zach has since walked 280 miles to raise money for food in his hometown and done countless other things for his community and the people who live in it. His actions are the epitome of unselfish behavior.

Working and giving alongside our children

I believe we can change the hearts of our children by actively giving our time to others. In fact, this has become a real passion in my home. My kids might never become another Zach, but they don’t have to either. Doing small things for others is really what I’m after.

There is much anecdotal evidence of children who take the time to volunteer having a very high degree of love for each other and everyone around them. There are abundant acts of charity our children can participate in with us. With is emphasized because parents must model the new behavior by working alongside their children. It also provides us with fun, heartwarming tasks to accomplish as a family.

There are so many positive benefits to charity work! Not only are you helping an individual, family, or group in need, but the benefits to you and your family are immeasurable. Your time is probably the best contribution you can make to another human being.

It is this kind of generosity, shared by parents and their children, that leads to a generation of youngsters with strong, caring souls.

Here are some initial ideas of charitable tasks parents and their children can do together.

Buy and distribute gifts or food during the holidays to needy families.
Take a few new stuffed animals or balloons to a local children’s hospital. If you really want to go crazy, help your kids save money to hire a clown for a few hours in a children’s unit. The kids will forget they are even in the hospital! Call the pediatric department for more ideas. Tell them, “My children and I want to do something for the kids in the hospital. Do you have any ideas?” Whatever you decide to do though, check with the recipient before you actually show up.
Take some used but not used-up toys to a pediatric oncologist’s office (or any pediatrician’s office) for their waiting room.
Draw pictures and mail them to a children’s hospital or to overseas military personnel.
Color a picture or card for the retired, single person down the street.
Check with your church for activities they have already started. There are always charitable events taking place there.

What if you were to choose only one action item to accomplish each quarter with your children? That is a few hours once every three months! Consider how much time we spend developing our kids’ bodies by taking them to soccer, gymnastics, basketball … on and on. Then we help develop their minds with school, music lessons, and reading. Again, on and on. This is all perfectly okay! But let’s not entirely skip over arguably the most important element of the human experience: their souls.

Traditionally we, as parents, don’t take the time to help develop this priceless part of a child, and it shows in the world around us.

I hear it already. Some people will say, “We take our kids to church every Sunday. Isn’t that enough?”

It is a great start. But the next step is to apply those principles we learn inside the church walls to our lives outside of them. Practically all religions have elements of giving in them. Is there an excuse for any of us to learn and believe in things we are not willing to practice?

Charity encourages sibling closeness

Ultimately, the benefit of giving things away is beyond measure! When kids learn to give to the less fortunate on a consistent basis, something in their hearts click. They care less about the small possessions they used to fight over. Children become more likely to share with their brothers and sisters. As adults, they are more likely to give to the community and be involved in helping those around them. This is truly a lifetime gift to your children and everyone they come in contact with. Please, just give it a try.

Also, I really did not even mention how these acts of goodwill help the recipients. There are people in every city, town, and community that need real help today. It is not the government’s job or someone else’s job to improve their lives or give them hope; it is our job. Sometimes, a simple thought from another person can totally change the outcome of a person’s day, week, or month. Good deeds have a way of lingering on. So, please, start planning ways to reach out to somebody in your community today.

The bond created by the family who donates their time is unbreakable. In my opinion, husband and wife with brother and sister helping in their community unites their hearts and souls to each other.

Every marriage needs help. Perhaps yours, after a few months or years of marriage, needs help now. Or maybe any real difficulty in your relationship is far down the road. But at some time during a crisis or trial, every marriage will benefit from the counsel and care of someone on the “outside.”

In America, where we worship self-sufficiency, seeking help may seem shameful or weak to some people. But those who are teachable and follow Jesus know better. We understand our limitations—the frailty of our flesh and our inclination to sin. We understand that we need others, just as they need us.

This is the wonder of being part of the body of Christ: We don’t have to be totally self-sufficient and independent. When necessary, we can lean on the gifts and strengths of our brothers and sisters. The point is that every marriage needs assistance; it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Get it or bear the weighty consequences.

Tune-up help for your marriage

Although I believe that every marriage needs help, let me encourage you—especially if you are newly married—that things may not be as bad as they seem. Before concluding that your marriage is falling apart, commit to praying about the problem. Ask God for insight and help on the issue you’re struggling with.

Involvement with a local church and its members will only strengthen your marriage. Be proactive! Call a couple in your church and ask them to join you for lunch after Sunday worship. When couples get into trouble, especially early in marriage, they think they are the only ones in the world who have ever had this problem, whether it is finances, sex, communication, or in-laws. Meeting regularly with that couple over a period of six to twelve months may be all you need to work through an issue.

Another good idea for newly married couples is to spend time as individuals with another newly married person of the same sex. A kindred spirit will take some of the pressure off the marriage relationship. Women, who often have a higher need to talk about their feelings, may reap particular benefits from this idea. Marriage is a huge adjustment. Having the opportunity to share some of the built-up relational “heat” with someone on the outside will bring relief. It can be as simple as an occasional Saturday morning breakfast or lunch. But keep the discussion honoring to your mate, not a tear-down session.

Spending time with an older mentor of the same sex may also be very beneficial. During our third year of marriage, we moved to Dallas, our third move in as many years. Barbara hadn’t really found a close friend in the previous two locations, and she really needed a female friend to talk to. Eventually, she started meeting every other week with a woman who’d been married fifteen years.

I will never forget the look on Barbara’s face after one of her first meetings. It was the look of “I’m really not weird for feeling the way I feel.” She found out that some of the challenges and adjustments she was facing in our marriage were normal. Meeting with this woman lifted a huge burden off Barbara’s back. She no longer condemned herself or felt guilty for feeling what she was feeling. Even though I was telling her she was okay, it took a person of the same sex who could identify with what Barbara was feeling to reassure her fully.

Always focus on the positive as a couple. Review your marriage covenant or vows, which will remind you of the challenges and rewards of marriage. Our promises to each other are the anchor that holds us steady when the marital storms blow.

Above all, don’t wait until you are knee-deep in alligators in your marriage. Stay on the offensive in keeping your relationship tuned up.

Crisis help for your marriage

When is it time to get outside help for a marriage? That’s not an easy question to answer because every marriage has pain. And part of growing toward deeper intimacy is resolving conflict and differences in a loving manner. But just as a broken arm requires a trip to the emergency room, certain events in marriage require outside assistance. This list is not exhaustive, and even some of the things I’ve mentioned are somewhat subjective, but every couple needs to pay attention to these danger signs:

Unceasing conflict, vicious arguing, and/or yelling, that never seems to get any better.
No sex, unusual demands for particular sexual behavior by one partner, persistent unhappiness of one partner with the sexual relationship.
Abuse—physical or verbal, either spouse to spouse or parent to child. Verbal abuse is often subtle. If one person consistently uses his or her words to demean, control, and shame the other, especially with high doses of anger, this is verbal abuse.
Regular, complete shutdowns of communication that persist for more than a day or two, with core issues never getting resolved. By this, I mean a husband and wife barely talking to each other or merely exchanging brief sentences without emotional warmth.
An extramarital affair—either physical or emotional.
Pornography use.
Drug or alcohol abuse by one or both spouses.
Other obsessive, destructive behavior, such as uncontrolled spending with credit cards.

In prayer ask the Lord to reveal to you where you should seek help and godly advice: “How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked …” (Psalm 1:1). Call on your church to rescue your marriage. If that does not seem satisfactory, call another church; share with a trusted friend; call a hotline—local or national; call your folks; call your brother or sister; call a counselor. You get the point. Help is available, and the Lord will provide. But you must be willing to ask.

I recommend not seeking this help in a lawyer’s office. Many fine attorneys would work to help a couple through their difficulties and would even recommend against divorce. But many more make large sums of money from the divorce industry and would work to create an increasingly adversarial relationship between you and your spouse.

When you are in crisis, you can do the following:

Be patient. Your mess probably took time to develop; it will take time to resolve. Men especially should heed this advice. We often want to fix a relational problem as we would repair a car: a two-hour tune-up at the service center. A guy may hover over his wife and not give her enough time and space. She needs to see and feel his love, not be bombarded with verbal promises. When couples are stuck in a rut, they hope a magic wand can be waved over their relationship that will bring instant healing and love forever. That’s not real life as God intended it to be. We grow through our struggles.
Show your true heart. Too often when a husband and a wife are at odds, they allow the anger of the moment to cover up their true feelings. Don’t do that. Tell the truth: “I’m mad at you, but I still love you. I don’t want to break apart. I want you to know that I’m going to pray. I’m going to be teachable. I want to hear from God about my responsibility for this.”
Remind your spouse of your commitment. A marriage covenant gives you the trust commitment that enables you to be real and solve problems. Without this covenant, your marriage is reduced to a contract that can be canceled at any time. Marriage is not a contract; it is a sacred and holy lifetime pledge to another.
Pray for yourself, your spouse, and your relationship. Ask God for wisdom to handle your trials (James 1:2–8). Even when things are intense, do not stop praying with each other.

Marriage problems are not all bad. God can use such trouble in your marriage to drive you back to Him—the red light on the dashboard of your car letting you know that something is wrong, not on a physical or emotional level, but on a spiritual level.

Pain can cause you to go deeper in your relationship with each other. Early on, Barbara and I faced tough issues that could have broken our relationship. Not once, however, did we ever talk about quitting or getting a divorce. Our commitment to Jesus Christ and to each other saw us through. God will give you courage. He said, “Call upon Me in the day of trouble; I shall rescue you, and you will honor Me” (Psalm 50:15).

Have you ever noticed that falling in love makes you oblivious to reality?

A couple of years ago onFamilyLife Today®, an interview was aired in which a stepfamily couple and a single mom talk about the challenges of dating when kids are involved. The interview was very insightful.

Two years later, we invited the single mom to return to the broadcast because she had met a man online, fallen in love, and gotten married, forming a blended family. We wondered how her perspective about dating had changed. To prepare for the interview, she listened to the first broadcast to review what she had said two years previously.

To her surprise, she had missed many of the insights of the other couple—the already married couple—during the taping of the broadcast. Instead of learning from the couple who had already walked the blended family path, she didn’t prepare adequately for dating and remarriage and ended up making many of the very mistakes that the couple had cautioned listeners against.

Falling in love can make a person see the world differently for a time and skew their way of thinking. If our radio guest had listened and applied the wisdom of this couple to her situation, she could have avoided some pitfalls. But infatuation is a powerful distraction.

Four pitfalls to avoid

In my experience with blended families, I’ve seen the same patterns emerge as problem areas that could have been avoided in the dating process. I’ve condensed them here into four myths single parents have about remarriage that cause damage in the long run.

Myth #1: “If I’m happy, my kids will be happy.”

For over 50 years, our culture has tried to convince us that the individual and his or her happiness is at the center of relationships. This has contributed greatly to the divorce culture (“If I’m not happy in my marriage I should leave it”) and the current dating culture (“Cohabiting is a better option than marriage because it keeps my options open”).

Single parents sometimes tell themselves that their own happiness is at the center of their children’s happiness, so they believe that their falling in love will make their children happy, too.

But the truth is, there’s no guarantee that if you find romantic love it will improve the lives of your children. In fact, your happiness can bring great unhappiness to your children. Your child’s happiness is separate from yours and should be given great consideration.

Myth #2: Your kids can’t be okay unless you are married.

This myth believes that children raised in a single parent home have deficits that will be eradicated if they are instead raised in a two-parent stepfamily home. Actually, the research is clear: The outcomes for kids in either of these environments are no different. Children can fare just as well—emotionally, spiritually, and developmentally—being raised in a single parent home as they can in a stepfamily home. There’s no advantage one way or the other.

Therefore, when it comes to the well-being of your children, single parents should feel permission to stay single if they so choose. There’s no need to succumb to the pressure to marry that this myth imposes. If you meet someone who is a good fit for your children, great. If you don’t, great. Either way, God will provide.

Myth #3: Marriage repairs your home and gives children a family.

Of course, parents want to restore for their children the ideal family environment that has been thwarted by death or divorce, but what was done cannot be undone. Such a loss forever truncates the family that was into the family that is. Therefore, a decision to marry and form a blended family, for example, does not give back a missing parent to children. Rather, it gives them a stepparent and a parenting team that is very different from the biological family system they were born into.

This is not to say that stepfamilies cannot be loving, healthy homes. Indeed, the ministry of FamilyLife Blended™ that I oversee witnesses this outcome for blended families on a regular basis. But blended families are not “repaired” first-families; they are different families with their own dynamics, rewards, struggles, challenges, seasons, and benefits. To date and marry with the expectation that “all will be restored” is to set yourself, your mate, and your children up for great disappointment.

Myth #4: Dating as a single parent is no different than dating as a never-married single.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Before children, dating is about finding the right fit between two people. It is about building an “usness” that is centered in the Lord and motivated by love.

Dating with children is about all of that, plus, finding the right fit for all the relationships in multiple households. In my book Dating and the Single Parent, for example, I illustrate this point by noting that dating someone with a horrible, chaotic ex-spouse is to potentially bring a lifetime of chaos and ungodliness to your children’s lives. In other words, a single parent’s ex-spouse can be reason enough to stop dating someone you love. The couple fit may be there, but the family fit is not. This perspective is a challenge to accept but spares much pain to those who do.

It’s not too early

All four of these myths point to the same basic principles—remarriage is not like a first marriage, and you must consider all the relationships involved, not just the connection between you and a potential mate. Single parents and their children can successfully blend with stepparents and stepsiblings, but it doesn’t happen without a lot of hard work and wisdom.

Dating well, avoiding these myths, and learning all you can about stepfamily living greatly improves the odds. As you pray for God to bring the right person into your life, ask Him for the wisdom to avoid the pitfalls. He promised in James 1:5 that “if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” It’s not too early to start laying a firm foundation for your next marriage.

Halloween presents an uneasy set of choices for followers of Christ. Some traditions, like dressing up in costumes and trick-or-treating, seem harmless. Yet in recent years, Halloween has also grown more and more into a time of dark and frightening images, of celebrating evil.

Many Christians choose to avoid Halloween altogether. Many participate in fall festivals in their community or church but opt out of trick-or-treating on Halloween night. Here two mothers talk about how they use the holiday as an opportunity for family fun while also using the secular cultural celebration as a teaching opportunity to teach their kids about their faith.

Holding On to Our Principles While Joining in the Fun

by Lisa Lakey

When I was growing up, like most kids, I eagerly anticipated Halloween with thoughts of homemade costumes and sugar rushes dancing through my head. I still remember the exhilaration of running from house to house, gathering candy and small prizes to swap with my two older brothers, my parents always waiting nearby on the sidewalk.

Sixteen years after my final trick-or-treating excursion, the tables had turned. I was now a mother and a new Christian. When my preschooler donned a ballerina kitty cat costume (apparently, you just combine favorite things at that age) and asked if she could trick or treat, my husband and I had a decision to make. We had to decide whether we would allow our daughter to participate in Halloween festivities or write off anything pertaining to the day as evil.

We quickly found there wasn’t a shortage of opinions on either side of the issue. My husband didn’t trick or treat as a child but occasionally attended one of the “Fall” or “Harvest” parties that coincide with Halloween. In the end, we decided to participate in the Halloween night festivities without compromising our values. My daughter happily skipped from house to house in her purple tutu and cat ears.

Here are a few things we do as a family to hold onto our principles while still joining in the fun on October 31:

1. We don’t allow costumes that contradict our values. Any costume reflecting something evil in nature, or making light of evil, gets a quick “no” from mom. There will be no homicidal clowns, grim reapers, zombies, or anything offensive. Moreover, especially where my now tween-aged daughter is concerned, costumes must maintain an appropriate level of modesty. And trust me, I know what a challenge it can be to find appropriate costumes for young girls!

2. We carve pumpkins, but in a better light (pun intended). My young son could not wait to carve a pumpkin this year. While my daughter has no desire (much like her mama) to dig into pumpkin innards, my boy finds it fascinating.

One of my favorite resources this time of year is The Pumpkin Patch Parable by Liz Curtis Higgs. I’ve read this book to my littles every year since my daughter was small, and I read it every year to the Wednesday night preschool class at our church while carving a pumpkin or making a pumpkin craft. The book tells a simple story about a farmer choosing a pumpkin to carve and teaches a lesson about God’s love transforming us into something new. And because I am the one holding the book, I don’t have to scoop the insides out of the pumpkin. Win-win.

3. We make it about family and fellowship. My favorite part of the autumn season is all the opportunities to spend time with family and friends. We go to pumpkin patches, fall festivals, and gather at each other’s houses as the kids play and the adults enjoy the cooler weather. We trick or treat with the same friends every year, and it’s fun to look back in photos and see how much they have grown together.

And it isn’t just the kids who enjoy putting on costumes. My husband and I love to dress up with our kids. With our oldest just turning 11, it won’t be long before she is too cool to have dad be the Big Bad Wolf to her Little Red Riding Hood or a ‘50s “greaser” beside his diner girl. My favorite costumes were when my son was just shy of his first birthday, and he and my husband dressed as Curious George and the Man with the Yellow Hat. I’ve been Spiderman’s Aunt May, a mommy cat, and this year I’ll dress up as a Dalmatian fire dog to accompany my favorite 4-year-old fireman.

4. Use it as an opportunity to talk to your kids about Jesus. When my daughter was around 5, we walked up to a house in a friend’s neighborhood, and a grown man jumped out from the side of the house in monster garb to scare her. I don’t remember what I was dressed as that year, but I can assure you I resembled a mama bear as I gave the man an earful. Since then, we avoid the “scary” houses. For one, I don’t like for my kids to be scared by grown-ups. But also, there are some things that just aren’t funny—like death.

Halloween can bring a good opportunity to speak with your children about the truth of death. Dying is treated as somewhat of a joke this time of year. Take a moment to explain to your kids that death is no laughing matter. Without Jesus, we will be permanently separated from God in death. But thanks to God’s mercy and love, through Jesus we can have eternal life.

Participating in Halloween Without Celebrating It

by Sabrina Beasley McDonald

As parents and followers of Christ, my husband and I make careful choices about how we observe different holidays. While Halloween is a secular holiday for most in our culture, the same could be said for Christmas and Easter. One may even argue that the secular versions of those holidays are even more dangerous because they are masked behind beautiful colors and seemingly soft and harmless messaging.

The ugliness and darkness attached to Halloween make it difficult, but we’ve found many different ways to use the holiday to point our kids to the gospel and even share the message with others.

1. We don’t “celebrate” Halloween at our house. We participate in it … carefully. I make it clear to my kids that we don’t celebrate evil. We don’t decorate with ghosts or zombies. We use fall pumpkins, mums, and hay. The kids aren’t allowed to dress up as anything evil or demonic.

While we don’t celebrate evil, death, or demons, we do acknowledge that they exist. However, we don’t have to be afraid because God is greater than any evil or demons, and because Jesus overcame death. If they want something to be scared of, they should fear the wrath of God.

2. Halloween brings up the subject of death. Our culture does not like to talk about death. We have “anti-aging” products that keep people looking young. Permanent dyes hide graying hair. Medicine continually searches for paths to longevity. The average life span now is the longest it has been since the days of Noah.

So death is not an easy topic to bring up, especially with children. But it’s a necessary part of the gospel. The fear of death is what drives people to consider their eternal destiny.

For me, Halloween gives me the chance to talk openly to my children about death we’ve experienced in our family. Their biological father was killed in a car accident when they were very young, and this year a grandmother died. We can talk about where these loved ones are now. They aren’t zombies or skeletons—they are alive and will live forever because they put their faith in Jesus while they lived on earth. As Jesus said, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die” (John 11:25-26).

3. I talk to my kids about All Saints’ Day. Even though Halloween has pagan roots, like other holidays, it also has Christian roots. Halloween originated from All Hallow’s Eve, the day before All Saints’ Day. All Saints’ Day is a day to remember the martyrs and fathers of the faith that paved the way for the practice of our religion—people like the Apostles, Stephen, Perpetua, and Saint Thomas Aquinas. The goblins and pumpkin faces were meant as a device to scare off the evil spirits so that November 1 could be the holiest day of the year.

The idea of scaring off evil spirits is terrible theology. But when I talk to my children about the purpose for the scares, they realize that it’s not for celebrating evil. It’s for the purpose of celebrating the saints.

October 31 also happens to be the day that Martin Luther nailed The 95 Theses to the door of Wittenberg Castle church—the event that sparked the Protestant Reformation. That’s just another layer of educating kids about church history.

4. We use the day as an opportunity to share the gospel. Halloween is one of the best times of the year to interact with your neighbors and the culture around you. My family has used the days leading up to Halloween to go to the park across the street and pass out candy and gospel tracts to campers. This year, we want to go to a nearby apartment complex and knock on doors to pass out goody bags and tracts.

And what other time of year do dozens of strangers willingly show up at your home? I take my kids door to door while it’s still light outside, and then we come home to hand out candy and gospel tracts to the trick-or-treaters who come through our neighborhood. One year, the tract I passed out was so popular that people came to our door asking for them! I was passing out tracts to moms and dads and people who wanted to take some to their friends.

You can pick up gospel tracts for a minimal cost (just a few cents per tract) at your local Christian bookstore. And the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association and Live Stream Ministries are among several groups that provide downloads you can print.

Lately my 11-year-old son has been repeating words he heard at school. Sometimes they are curse words, and other times they are just inappropriate. What can I do to stop him?

Dennis: Don’t be shocked if your son or daughter brings home some words that they’ve heard from friends. The words used may not be bad per se, but talking about throwing up and other bodily functions in a coarse way is not acceptable for conversation. Our boys heard more than one version of a mini-sermon entitled “That’s Not the Way We Talk in This House.”

Barbara: You can’t just let garbage run free in your home. If you don’t train your children to control their tongues, they will be absolutely wild. You may be doing more harm to your children by not correcting the problem.

Dennis: Bad language is not always a black and white issue, but as a parent, you have got to decide today where you’re going to draw the line on these issues. There needs to be some boundaries, so you need to set a standard and some limits.

We gave our kids some grace, realizing that in some cases, they might not even know what some of the words meant. But when certain words cause you to pause, more than likely you need to step in and say, “We don’t use that word here, and if you use it again, it’s going to cost you.”

Barbara: And in our house, it did cost them! Many parents have used soap to wash out their children’s mouths. I haven’t used soap, but we used other punishments. One punishment that works with teenagers is to charge them money. This doesn’t work as well for children because they have no money, but to a teenager, money means a lot. There was a time when we charged $5 for a “cut down,” which is when one child said something hurtful to another, and our children would think twice about a comment before facing the cost.

Dennis: Don’t ever think that training your child’s language is in vain. Ephesians 4:29a says, “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification.” In other words, we are to use language that builds up another, not use words that are unwholesome. We need to help our children realize that to cuss out another person is to use words that are inappropriate towards a person who is made in the image of God.

Barbara: In addition, at some point you need to explain to your child that quite a few curse words are related to sex or bodily functions. Take the time to explain this and impress on him or her that such language demeans the beauty of the sex act as well as the prize of God’s creation—the human body.

My little girl has always had a sweet tooth.

She used to bang her high chair tray for purified fruits and pucker her lips at everything else offered.

Her eyes light up at slices of cake and pink donuts and cheesecake. Cupcakes may be her love language. Don’t even get me started on how often she asks for candy.

She is a picky eater and dinner has always been a battle, but of course she’s always hungry for dessert. Maybe this sounds familiar.

We joke about her insatiable appetite for sugar and are constantly reminding her to fill up on good food first. The other day she had a light bulb moment, “Mom, when I eat something sweet, it tastes so good, but I’m usually still hungry afterwards.”

Her epiphany made me think about raising our kids in a culture on a constant quest for satisfaction.

I’ve watched my kids fill up on empty things—we all have: from social media cravings to the trendy, must-have fashion fads to the latest technology upgrades. And one thing is certain, even if or when they get what they want, there’s always something next or better tempting them around the corner.

In our culture, no matter how much we get, we always want more. Because we are really good at filling up our time and lives with things that do not satisfy.

That’s because these things—although not all bad—leave us feeling empty instead of full.

As a matter of fact, it’s reported that after reading other people’s statuses on Facebook, we’re more likely to feel down and depressed and generally worse about ourselves than when we clicked onto it. I know I’ve experienced this.

We are raising a tween and two teens in our house and I have watched them go from one thing to another in their quest to be satisfied. From sports to trying new instruments, to changing the way they look. I realize this is called growing up, but it’s been amazing watching my older two (especially in the last six months or so) discover deep, abiding satisfaction in their relationship with Christ.

They are learning truths that will carry them through whatever life brings their way: Filling their hearts and minds with the things of God will quench the hunger that the world cannot. Not only do they feel better, they are full.

We are given the example in Mark 10:17 of the rich young ruler. This was an influential man, maybe even a prince, who had everything money could buy. But when Jesus asked him to give up what he loved the most—his money and possessions—he walked away sad and empty because he just couldn’t give it up.

Because Jesus’ command revealed this ugly truth: The young man loved something of the world more than he loved Jesus.

Why would God ask him to give it all up? Or ask us to do the same? Because God wants us to give Him what we love the most. Because our love of (fill in the blank—it’s different for all of us) will keep us from God.

Here are three important truths we need to teach our kids about being satisfied:

1. We were created for the eternal. This life isn’t the end. All our striving and obtaining, and we all end up leaving this world with the same thing: nothing. We are eternal beings, created for eternity. So, the temporary things of this world—that feel good and are fun—are temporary. They will not last. Kids also don’t have the perspective of hindsight. Everything here and now feels like forever. They need us to gently remind them that this world will never quench the hunger we were born with.

2. We can’t both hold on and let go. When I read about the rich young ruler, it makes me sad. He was a good guy. He had done good things, but in the end he held on to things that didn’t matter. This Scripture goes on to say, “The young ruler was holding on tight to a lot of things, and he couldn’t bear to let go.” We have to teach our kids we can’t hold onto Jesus until we let go of this world.

3. We were made for more. As Christians, if our goal in life is happiness, we are missing the point of life. We aren’t here so we can have it all or do it all. And if that’s our aim, we will only live a dissatisfied life. We are here to glorify God with our lives. Like Jennie Allen says, “So if we know no place, no job, no marriage, no child is going to fulfill us perfectly, we can make the choice to quit fighting for happiness in all of it and start to fight for God’s glory in it.”

God wants to know that we love Him more than anything else. When we make that our goal in life, we find deep satisfaction.

We discover that it is possible to satisfy that craving for something that is real.

And it’s not only good, it’s sweet.

Growing up, my whole life was about becoming a football player. My stepfather helped build some boundaries and practices into my life that enabled me to reach my dreams. Each day as he dropped me off four miles from our house and drove home to make me breakfast, he challenged me to be the best I could be—to become the man I was made to be. He called me out to be a man. But nothing he did could prepare me for the devastating blow to my dreams that occurred on a practice field in Youngstown, Ohio.

During a routine practice, an eager freshman dove for a loose ball, diving right into my left knee. As soon as he made impact with me, I heard and felt my knee rip. The trainers rushed me to the hospital where the doctors told me I had torn all three major ligaments in my knee and would require reconstructive surgery the next morning. I was shocked. In a single moment, my hope was stolen. Would I ever play football again? I wondered. They put a soft cast on my knee, gave me a number of ice bags, and sent me back to the dormitory.

Alone and scared, I sat in Kilcawley Hall at Youngstown State, wondering about my future, when a campus minister knocked on my door. It was Bill. I had met him earlier on campus. He asked if he could come in land talk to me because he had heard about my injury. Bill asked, “Can I share a verse of Scripture with you, Ed?” So he did and then added, “Ed, you’ve got a lot of things going for you, but you lack one thing—and that’s a personal relationship with Jesus.” I remember looking at him and saying, “What can Jesus do for me here?” He shared the gospel story with me and read a single verse I had never heard before: “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.”

I didn’t understand why God would do that for me; but I knew I was in trouble, and I was broken. I also knew for the first time that I had tried to pay for all of my own sin—and I couldn’t do it anymore. So I received Christ that day. I asked Him to come into my heart and pay for my sin. After I prayed. Bill did something he said later was out of character for him to do. He reached out and laid his hand on my ice bag and prayed a simple prayer, “Jesus, heal Ed’s knee.”

The next morning, the trainer came to take me to the hospital. I couldn’t feel much in my leg because of the cast. After Dr. Michael Vuksta, our team physician, studied the X-rays, he began shaking his head. He looked at me and said, “Here are the X-rays of your knee yesterday, and here they are today. I don’t understand it, but somehow all of your ligaments have been reattached. There is nothing wrong with your knee.” Those words struck me, breaking me emotionally and spiritually.

There’s a Father who always loves us. He found a broken football player in Youngstown, Ohio, and gave me a new beginning.

After I left the hospital, I went on a long walk. I was crying. God had just healed me and touched me. As I sat down on a bench, I remember praying and feeling the words of God come into my heart. I had been asking Him most of the day, “What do You want me to do with my life?” And I heard these words, “I want you to play pro football, but when I call for your life back, I want you to give it back to me.” I said, “You want me to play pro football? If I knew You were this cool, I would’ve given my life to You a long time ago!”

Fore the first time in my life, I was living in the smile of my heavenly Father. I knew He loved me—and I loved Him. It wasn’t about what I did; it was about whose son I was.

How Jesus lived in His Father’s smile

Have you ever wondered how Jesus lived each day under the smile of His Father? After calling the church to lay aside everything that keeps us from experiencing God’s promises, the writer of Hebrews explains how we can run the race just like Jesus, living each moment in the complete acceptance of God’s love and tenderness for us:

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God (Hebrews 12:1-2).

Do you see it? “The joy set before Him.” Jesus lived for the smile of His Father, for the good things He knew God had in store for Him.

Do you love your kids with the same intention with which God loves you, so that “the love wherewith He loves you may be in them”?

My youngest son, Joshua, lives the way I want to live. Recently, while we were throwing the baseball, he was scorching my hand with the speed of his pitches from 15 feet away. Every pitch was with all his strength.

I asked him, “Josh, could you throw it a little slower? You are breaking my hand.” He simply replied, “I can’t, dad. I just have a powerful arm.”

He runs the same way, with all his heart. I admire the courage and release he lives in. I wonder if that is what Jesus was trying to teach His disciples when He told them that the Kingdom of God must be entered like a little child would enter. That courage only emerges from a deep trust.

As fathers, we must be diligent to instill in our children the difference between living under the smile of their Father versus feeling their need to earn His smile. We do this by modeling God’s love for them—your love for them is not based on what they do, but is based simply on the fact that they are your son or daughter. And we teach them how God’s love for them operates in the same manner. As they begin to understand this concept, they will naturally gravitate toward pursuing the dreams God has placed in their own hearts.

Smiles to dreams

After I finished playing at Youngstown State, I was off to the National Football League. I remember going to a rookie camp in Hempstead, New York. On the training camp depth chart, I was listed as the seventh center—and I was last in line. Throughout training camp, I watched the favor of the Lord move me all the way to second on the depth chart. And my career went like professional athletic careers go. I played for the Jets, and then moved to play with the Los Angeles Rams. Then I came back to New York for a year to play with the Giants before I joined the Philadelphia Eagles.

One night during training camp with the Eagles, I couldn’t sleep. Have you ever had one of those nights when you just can’t sleep because you know the Lord wants to speak to you about something? So I grabbed my Bible and went for a walk out on the field. As I was walking, I heard the Lord say, “Give it back and preach the gospel.”

I was reluctant to give it back. I was living what I thought was my dream. I had worked very hard to achieve it. I resisted that still small voice. On the first snap of practice the next morning I tore the ligaments in my knee again, effectively ending my career. It was the Lord’s way of awakening me to my next dream—a dream that would end up being significantly more fulfilling than yesterday’s tired dream, which I was trying so desperately to hang on to. With my understanding of God’s unconditional love for me, I began to pursue with complete abandonment the new dream He placed in my heart. Since I knew He loved me no matter what, where was the risk? I couldn’t disappoint Him by pursuing the dreams He instilled in me.

I don’t know how many times I have watched myself and others do things for the wrong audience. The truth is this: The audience you perform for reflects the approval you seek.

But the Lord has changed the audience for this old football player. I see my heavenly Father there. And I see His Son. Sure, there are some people I would love to have there, but I know that ultimately it’s what God thinks that really matters and grows us into the person He has called us to become.

It’s the same with your kids. Are they living under the smile of their Father in heaven? To get there, they first must have your smile. Children who don’t know the smile of their fathers have a hard time hearing God’s call for their lives. They don’t know how to make sacrifices, take risks, and obtain all that their dreams entail. But you can change the destiny of your children’s lives by instilling those truths in them. You can make a difference in their lives that is true and lasting.

A funny thing happened on the way to the twenty-first century. We decided that the concept of sin was something we should leave behind as archaic and out-of-date. While we were busy locating the elusive self inside of us, we decided that guilt was too painful. The only solution was to change the rules and “redefine” wrong.

Newsweek columnist Meg Greenfield had some interesting thoughts on this phenomenon in a piece entitled, ‘”Why Nothing Is Wrong Anymore.” In our society, she suggested, the word “wrong” has been taken out of “right and wrong.” What’s been substituted? How about “right and stupid,” “right and unconstitutional,” or “right and emotionally ill”?

Don’t think her analysis of our cultural sickness stops outside the front door of the Christian community. On the contrary, it comes right inside. Many Christians would change the couplet to read: “Right and what I feel is right.”

In other words, let’s skip over those tough sections of the Bible that talk about God’s hatred for adultery and divorce in favor of sections filled with more “hope and compassion.” I think of people like Alice … who had read all the verses about not marrying a non-Christian, but did so anyway because “It can’t be wrong when it feels so right.” Their child is now suffering the abuse and neglect of an antagonistic dad.

I think of people like Chad … who met and married a woman on the same weekend his divorce came through because he felt God wanted him to—and that very weekend his former wife came looking for him to ask if he’d be willing to restore their relationship.

I think of people like Kyle … who volunteered his time at a crisis pregnancy center to give unborn children the right to life—but didn’t feel like allowing a pregnant daughter to live at home because of the negative affect it would have on his clients.

Where does the epidemic of hypocrisy and shifting standards leave us? Without exception, it leads us to the wilderness of unrest. How can we return to the place where right is right, and wrong is not excused on the basis of our feelings? By following a narrow way marked off by an eternal Book—a pathway that offers freedom and rest by giving us the choice to live life within the standards of God’s Word.

Throughout Scripture and throughout the ages, those who have entered into God’s rest have done so by making a conscious choice to stay within the protective fence of God’s standards. Put another way, the further we walk away from biblical guidelines, the closer we get to the cliffs of anxiety, fear, worry, and unrest.

A story from the frontlines

Back in 1967, a classmate that I later met in graduate school spent four harrowing months in Vietnam before being wounded and shipped home. One story he told taught me a lot about the urgency of staying within protective boundaries.

As the Vietnam War escalated, Mike knew that his chance of being drafted was high. With that fact staring him in the face, he decided to enlist. It was a good thing, because two days later he received his draft notice. At least, he told himself, I’m going to get a preference of what branch and what unit I’m going to be in.

Mike chose the artillery because he figured that if he did have to go to Nam, he would at least be behind the lines lobbing shells long-distance at the enemy. What he didn’t know was that his choice would put him in some of the heaviest fighting of the war. Following his training, he received orders to go overseas with a unit assigned to guard the perimeter of the Da Nang airbase. On the long plane flight to Vietnam, they were congratulating themselves on their good fortune of being stationed so far from the front lines. And while this proved true for many of the men, the first thing Mike found waiting for him at the airfield was a packet with “special” orders. He was to immediately join a convoy which took his field piece and four men over treacherous territory to a Green Beret camp … right on the very edge of no-man’s-land.

The Special Forces stationed at this remote fire-base were weapons experts, skilled in search-and-destroy missions and hand-to-hand combat. Mike and his gun crew found themselves the only regular army soldiers in the middle of this elite fighting corps. For nearly four months, Mike learned the life-saving nature of boundaries as two eight-foot barbed wire fences provided his greatest sense of protection. For almost a hundred yards outside the outermost fence, all the grass and trees had been cleared. Buried land mines and other anti-personnel ordnance hidden in this open area provided further protection for those within the compound.

There were trails through the mines that the Green Berets would use to come in and out from patrol. One afternoon a man under Mike’s command ventured gingerly across one of those trails to pick some fruit in the nearby jungle.

Besides an occasional mortar shell falling near the perimeter, there had been no direct enemy attack since they had taken up their station. In fact, it had been over a week since his gun battery had been called on to provide supporting fire for one of the patrols. Even then it was for a unit near the limits of his range.

“Why can’t we go outside the fence for awhile?” one of his gunners had asked him. “The Berets do it all the time …” Lounging near their cannon, the rest of the crew watched as this man headed out of the compound toward the fresh fruit that had tempted all of them since they arrived.

Mike’s friend had nearly reached the edge of the forest when they saw him stop suddenly and take a step back. He turned abruptly and began to run back toward the fence. That’s when the sickening sound of automatic rifle fire started to rip from the jungle. The young man’s body was shot to pieces before it ever hit the ground. In just moments, the quiet that had lasted for weeks was shattered by the scream of incoming mortar rounds. The attacking NVA troops poured out of the jungle like angry fire ants—many of them following the very route they had seen Mike’s friend take through the minefield.

For three hours the fighting was intense—and often hand-to-hand. At one point, Mike ordered his cannon cranked down level, firing point-blank into the incoming troops. Somehow the men held their position. Mike and many others sustained severe wounds. Others hadn’t been so fortunate.

As Mike related this story, he closed it with words that will always ring in my ears.

“Tim, you want to know why I don’t fight God when it comes to areas He tells me in His Word to avoid? Because I’ve seen what it’s like to walk outside the fence, and I don’t want any part of it.”

Whether we realize it or not, when we decide to walk away from God’s Word and the clear boundaries it establishes for our lives, we are walking into no-man’s-land. While the danger we face will not be bullets or mortar fire, the spiritual flames and arrows of an unseen enemy can prove every bit as deadly. No piece of fruit, however tempting, is worth rendering ourselves defenseless and vulnerable by venturing outside the fence of His Word.

The gift of guilt

While we may never have thought of it this way before, one of the fittest gifts God has given us is the ability to experience and feel guilt. While Freud and others have called it the “universal neurosis”—a destructive force in peoples lives—it can actually be something God uses to protect us.

I’m not saying that all guilt is good. Imaginary guilt, or guilt imposed us by people wanting to control us doesn’t serve our best interests. Scripture tells us there is a sorrow that leads to death, but also speaks of a sorrow that leads to repentance (2 Corinthians 7:9-10). It’s this second aspect of guilt that we need to make our ally, not our enemy.

Guilt serves us spiritually the way fever serves us physically. When we get a fever, our body is telling our mind that we have a sickness somewhere. A person who wants to get better doesn’t ignore his symptoms. Neither does he hate himself because he’s feeling sick. Rather, the negative feelings act as a physical reminder that the fence has been crossed between sickness and health.

“In the same way, guilt tells us that something is wrong with us emotionally or spiritually. It says in a clear way, You’re stepping outside the fence by making this decision … pursuing this relationship … avoiding this person … accepting this invitation ….

To use another analogy, guilt is like the oil light on the instrument panel of your life. When it comes on, it’s saying “Hey, friend, check your life! You’re headed for problems if you don’t!” You can choose to ignore this spiritual warning light—you may even, by repeated sinning, sever the wires that connect it—but ultimately the consequence of your sin will bring your life to a screeching halt.

Adapted from Little House on the Freeway © 1987, 1994 by Tim Kimmel. Used by permission of Multnomah Publishers, Inc. Excerpt may not be reproduced without the prior written consent of Multnomah Publishers, Inc.

He was 5 years old, and he was enthralled by the snow. He stood on the couch watching what he thought must be the biggest blizzard ever. As he pressed his nose against the window, he thought of making the biggest snowball ever—bigger than him, bigger than his dad’s car, bigger than the garage, so big that he would look like an ant next to it. The thought made him smile. Before long he was begging his mommy to let him go outside.

She was on a quest. Not just any quest. It felt like this was the most important quest of her life. Sam had actually asked her to go to the prom, and now she was on a search for a dress. But not any dress. This had to be the ultimate, most beautiful prom dress ever. As she went from store to store, she imagined the dress and the moment when Sam would pick her up and see her in that gown. He would be stunned and immediately want to spend the rest of this life with her.

He sat with the number card in this hand, listening to the all-too-rapid cadence for the auctioneers’ voice at the world’s most prestigious antique auto action. He had made lots of money in his life, but he had convinced himself that he couldn’t live without one more thing. It was the most beautiful automobile ever manufactured, and it would be auctioned next. As the bidding began, his chest tightened, his ears buzzed, and his hands got clammy. At the end of the day, he might be the proud owner of a gorgeous powder-blue 1965 Jaguar XKE.

She must have dialed that radio station’s number a thousand times with the hope that she would get free tickets to see the best band ever. She had all their recordings. She was a member of their fan club. She had saved up to buy a signed poster, but she had never heard them live. This was her chance. Her heart raced as a voice on the other end greeted her. It was finally going to happen. She couldn’t believe it!

He was blown away. When he first entered seminary, he had no idea that this would happen. He had studied hard and done well, but this was unbelievable. It was his first Sunday. He had joined the staff of one of the biggest and most influential churches in the world. It had been his dream, and now it was coming true. He felt special, alive, and blessed.

On the one hand, it seemed stupid to pay $70 for a steak. But this wasn’t just any steak. No, this was a Wagyu cowboy rib eye, dry-aged over 45 days. He just knew he would never again taste a piece of meat this quality. He didn’t care what it cost. If it was the one and only time, nothing could keep him from this red-meat thrill. It was almost a spiritual experience.

It was one painting, but it may have been the most wonderful work of art a human hand had ever created. It had been touring the major galleries of the world, and she was thrilled that she would finally lay her eyes on it. She had seen it in art books and as posters but never the real thing in all its majesty. She would let nothing stop her from taking this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

He had seen them at the mall, 2013 Nike Air Jordan 1 Retros. White, red, and black—they were so cool. They were also almost $200. How would he ever convince his parents to buy them for him? It just seemed impossible. He couldn’t get the Air Jordans out of his mind. He had to find a way. He simply needed those sneakers.

What do all the people in these vignettes have in common? Awe. They get up every morning, and without ever being aware of it, they search constantly for awe. They have dissatisfaction in their souls, an emptiness they long to fill, and they are attracted to awesome things. The little boy dreaming of Air Jordans is just as much an awe seeker as the successful business magnate.

It’s not about spiritual awareness, interest, or knowledge. It’s not first about church, theology, or biblical literacy. It’s not even about wanting your little life to mean something. It’s not bound by family, culture, history, geography, language, or ethnicity. It’s not a matter of age or gender.

What all these people share in common is that they are human beings, and because they are human beings, they are hardwired for awe. And so are you.

Let’s start with the big picture of this thing called awe that stirs deep in the heart of each one of us.

God created an awesome world. God intentionally loaded the world with amazing things to leave you astounded. The carefully air-conditioned termite mound in Africa, the tart crunchiness of an apple, the explosion of thunder, the beauty of an orchid, the interdependent systems of the human body, the inexhaustible pounding of the ocean waves, and thousands of other created sights, sounds, touches, and tastes—God designed all to be awesome. And He intended you to be daily amazed.

God created you with an awe capacity. We not only live in an awe-inspiring world, but we’ve also been created with powerful awe gates so that we can take in the awe that our hearts desire. Our brains and our ears can tell the difference between beautiful music and noise. We can hear the whispered chirp of the little finch and the irritating squawk of the crow.

We can see the amazing segmented sections of the well-armored beetle’s body. We can see the details of color, texture, and shape. We also feel and touch things. We feel soft, wet, hard, hot, sharp, cold, smooth, silky, and bumpy.

We can taste. Our tongues know salty, sweet, sour, peppery, hot, cold, briny, rough, and creamy. We not only desire awe in our lives, we have been wonderfully created by God with the capacity to interact with and savor awesome things.

Where you look for awe will shape the direction of your life. It just makes sense that your source of awe will control you, your decisions, and the course your story takes. If you live in awe of material things, for example, you will spend lots of money acquiring a pile of material stuff; to afford your ever increasing pile, you will have to work a lot. You will also tend to attach your identity and inner sense of peace to material possessions, spending way too much time collecting and maintaining them. If material things are your awe source, you will neglect other things of value and won’t ever be fully satisfied, because these material things just don’t have the capacity to satisfy your awe-longing heart. Yes, your house will be big, your car will be luxurious, and you will be surrounded with beautiful things, but your contentment in areas that really count will be small.

Awe stimulates the greatest joys and deepest sorrows in us all. Here’s a simple way to do a personal awe check. Where do you experience your biggest moments of happiness and your darkest moments of sadness? What angers you or crushes you with disappointment? What motivates you to continue or makes you feel like quitting? What do you tend to envy in the lives of others, or where does your jealousy make you bitter? What makes you think your life is worth living or causes you to feel like your life is a waste? When you say, “If only I had___,” how do you fill in the blank? What are you willing to make sacrifices for, and what in your life just doesn’t seem worth the effort? Look at your highest joys and deepest sorrows, and you will find where you reach for awe.

Take anger, for example. Think of how little your anger in the last couple months had anything at all to do with the kingdom of God. You’re not generally angry because things are in the way of God and His kingdom purposes. You’re angry because something or someone has gotten in the way of something you crave, something you think will inspire contentment, satisfaction, or happiness in you. Your heart is desperate to be inspired, and you get mad when your pursuits are blocked. Where you look for awe will fundamentally control the thoughts and emotions of your heart in ways you normally don’t even realize.

Misplaced awe keeps us perennially dissatisfied. Perhaps in ways that you have never come close to considering, your dissatisfaction is an awe problem. Perhaps it’s not just that the people around you are less than perfect, or your boss is hard to deal with, or your children tend to give you a hard time.

Maybe it’s not just that you don’t have the circle of friends that you’ve always wanted or that you’ve never scored that house of your dreams. Perhaps it’s not just that you tend to find your mundane, everyday existence uneventful and boring. Maybe it’s not just that you’ve found your education to be inadequate and that you’ve felt stuck in a career you dislike.

Perhaps all this dissatisfaction arises from a deeper heart dissatisfaction driven by where you have looked for awe.

Every created awe is meant to point you to the Creator. Creation is awesome. God designed it to be awesome. And God designed you to take in creation’s awesome display. You are meant to be inspired and to celebrate the awesome things that come from the Creator’s hand. But as you participate and rejoice in the awesome display of creation, you must understand that these awesome things were not intended to be ultimate. They were not made to be the stopping place and feeding station for your heart.

No awesome thing in creation was meant to give you what only the Creator is able to give. Every awesome thing in creation is designed to point you to the One who alone is worthy of capturing and controlling the awe of your searching and hungry heart.

Finally, awesome stuff never satisfies. Nothing in the entire physical, created world can give rest, peace, identity, meaning, purpose, or lasting contentment to your awe-craving heart. Looking to stuff to satisfy this internal desire is an act of personal spiritual futility. It just won’t work. You would have as much success as you would if you were trying to bail water out of a boat with a strainer.

The things of this world just weren’t designed to do what you’re asking them to do. Still, we all try every day, and when we do, we have a problem much bigger and deeper than a stuff problem. We have an awe problem.

If you live with a prodigal, you know what it means to love someone. Love is a means of survival. Love is what gets you up each morning and inspires you to serve someone who acts like they hate you. Loving this way means duty, sacrifice, responsibility, and resilience.

But there is a side of love that’s difficult to face. You’ve had a taste of it already if you are persisting in hope that this person you love might change.

It’s loving a rebel, someone who isn’t trying to work it out and who doesn’t have your interests in mind. It’s loving someone who is enamored with their sin and does not care about the consequences—the pain and hurt it causes others.

Prodigals need more than tough love; they need a rugged love. A love that’s bold yet redemptive, forceful yet forgiving, gallant yet gospel-based. Think of it as love with teeth. For prodigals to change, those who love them must exercise a love that is courageous. They need to have conviction and a clear conscience. To love a wayward rebel, you need a rugged love that is rooted in the hope of God’s promises.

Rugged love is the way God engages and reaches sinful people. We are all wayward, dead, and trapped in our sin. So the way we love prodigals must be patterned after the rugged love of God.

What is this rugged love? Love is rugged when it’s:

strong enough to face evil;
tenacious enough to do good;
courageous enough to enforce consequences;
sturdy enough to be patient;
resilient enough to forgive;
trusting enough to pray boldly.

Strong enough to face evil

Bonnie knows Stan is a serial adulterer, but she looks the other way. Walter believes his daughter is on drugs, but he won’t probe or ask her questions because he fears the truth. Zoe ignores the cruel and demeaning comments her husband makes about her in public and in front of the kids, hoping against hope that things will improve.

Though each situation is distinct and complex, they are all connected by a common compromise: Bonnie, Walter, and Zoe are all tolerating evil. If you ask them why, they say they do it all for love.

When someone you love goes wayward, the worst lies are not always the ones you hear from them. They are the ones you whisper to yourself.

Of course, many of these lies stem from not fully grasping the biblical understanding of love. Our own misunderstandings of what love should look like and how to love others affect our well-intentioned responses to sinful behavior.

Wayward people tend to pile up collateral damage like a tornado through a traffic jam. And that carnage of hurt feelings, broken trust, and fractured relationships can be so overwhelming that people like Bonnie, Walter, and Zoe just want to close their eyes and wish it away. They tell themselves that time heals all wounds. If they just ignore it and put it out of their minds, then surely things will eventually get back to normal. They hope to outlive the evil.

This lie masquerades as hope, and perhaps on some level, it really is a hope that God will do a miracle. But it’s a naive hope—one that traffics not in reality but denial. And the unwillingness to acknowledge reality only further encourages sinful behavior.

In calling us to biblical love, the apostle Paul says, “Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil” (Romans 12:9). True and genuine love abhors evil. This means that we loathe and stand in opposition to it.

Abhorrence leaves no room for denial. It means that we have eyes to see evil and the courage to respond to it. Sin and folly are inhabiting the soul of the wayward like unwelcome squatters. If these vices are ever to be expelled, they must be honestly named and exposed, not ignored or hidden.

To abhor evil requires a single-minded devotion to accelerating its downfall. The most diminutive mom will strike with ninja speed and nuclear force if she sees a Nazi-loving skinhead threatening her small child. Her abhorrence in this case isn’t a mental exercise, it’s abhorrence in action, an unwavering commitment to eliminating the threat without hesitation or indecision.

God’s response to evil

The gospel does not deny evil. The gospel shows us God’s response to evil—He abhors it! “For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth” (Romans 1:18).

God’s wrath is His settled and determined response to injustice, sin, rebellion, and evil. He cannot tolerate it, and He will not accommodate it in any way. Christ did not come to earth to paper over our offenses against God. He was not here to spring God free from having to deal with the wickedness of the wayward. The gospel reveals the sinfulness of sin and showcases God’s hatred of evil.

God poured out His righteous fury on the only sinless man to walk the earth, who was stapled to a tree on a hill called Golgotha. And not just any man—His beloved Son, who willingly accepted His role as our substitute to free us from our enslavement to sin and reconcile us to God. Ascribed to Christ was our evil—”For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin” (2 Corinthians 5:21).

Jesus hung suspended, the sacrificial Lamb tarred by our wicked thoughts and actions, and received in His body the full gale force of God’s wrath.

Make no mistake; the gospel reveals a rugged love. When we look at this love, we see our sin and our hatred of God and are confronted by the truth that Christ suffered what we justly deserve. The nails were meant for us; the hopeless abandonment and spiritual separation from the love of God that Christ experienced was deservedly ours.

God’s love, displayed for all to see on the cross, was strong enough not only to face evil, but also to act against it. The cross reveals God’s abhorrence in action.

God’s response to evil is good news because it has a redemptive purpose, but the path to redemption requires that we come face-to-face with our sin and evil. God’s law, given to us in the Old Testament Scriptures, reveals our accountability before God and the rightness of His verdict against Adam and Eve in condemning them to death.

Naming our sin and evil is always the first step to experiencing grace and forgiveness. This step cannot be bypassed or skipped. Conviction should lead to repentance, which leads us to forgiveness in Christ.

The key to rugged love

This gospel is good news because if someone you love is bent on evil, there is help. Repentance is the key that unlocks the power of grace and separates true grace from cheap grace.

But true repentance doesn’t come through denial or accommodation.

The pretending must end. The delusion that one can indulge evil behavior with no costs must be exposed. Biblical grace is not a license to sin. As the apostle Paul says in Romans 6:1-2 “Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means!” It is never loving or gracious to forgive someone simply to accommodate further sin.

Loving like this is not simple or easy. To get here, you need to experience this love yourself, a love so sturdy that it enables you to face your biggest fears—your dread of a loved one leaving you, your anxiety over the unknown, or your unspoken suspicion that this situation indicates you’re one humongous failure.

Showing rugged love begins by receiving the rugged love of God and holding fast to the promises of the gospel, knowing that our Lord and Savior will never leave us or abandon us (Hebrews 13:5) and that He is truly with us until the end (Matthew 28:20).

Our love becomes rugged as our motivation moves from “peace for me” to “help for them.” Rugged love faces human messiness head on.

Are you facing the evil?

Let’s face it—anyone embracing rugged love faces huge emotional hurdles. It feels like we are piling on, like we saw a drunk fall down in the street and decided to go over and kick him to teach him a lesson. But if we’re serious about helping people enslaved in deep patterns of selfishness, we will find faith to think honestly and deeply about the gracious grit of real love.

Doing so could make a dramatic difference in the life of the one you love.

On FamilyLife Today®, Dave Harvey and Paul Gilbert address the topic of rebellion and expand the idea of a prodigal to include anyone who has strayed. A must-have resource for every believer struggling to love the prodigal back home again, their book, Letting Go, is ideal for parents and siblings, counselors, pastors, and those ministering to hurting families and churches.

Cinderella. Everyone knows her story. She’s the kind, pretty girl who lived in rags as a slave to her ugly stepmother and two stepsisters. On the night of the grand ball, Cinderella was cruelly prevented from attending by these two selfish stepsisters. Her heart was crushed in disappointment. She ran to the garden in tears to be alone, only to find to her amazement an old woman whom she had never seen before. This gentle woman, Cinderella discovered, was her fairy godmother. With the wave of a wand and few magic words, Cinderella was transformed into a most beautiful princess. She was whisked off to a ball where she met Prince Charming. Of course, it was love at first sight and they lived happily ever after.

“Happily ever after” is the stuff of which fairy tales are made. Though we wish it were so at times, life is not a fairy tale. God is not a fairy godmother with a magic wand waiting to wish our troubles away. He has plans and purposes far higher than fairy magic. The problem for me, and for other Christians as well, is the clash between two purposes and wills: God’s and mine. Many times they are not the same.

Not quite three years ago, I experienced a conflict between God’s will and plan and my own. But unlike Cinderella, I found no magic wand to wish away my troubles. Let’s go back in time and I’ll share the events of those significant days.

A scary moment

Tuesday morning dawned clear and warm with the promise of another hot July afternoon to follow. We proceeded with our normal routine of dressing and helping children dress, eating breakfast, looking for lost tennis shoes, and combing tangles out of chlorine-dried hair. A couple of hours later, I was driving home after having dropped the children off at their summer activities when, suddenly and without warning, I became extremely dizzy, almost blacking out. I managed to pull into a parking space, though I could hardly see. I dropped my head on the steering wheel and prayed, “Lord, please let me get home.” I was only a block away. My vision cleared somewhat and I slowly drove home.

My next prayer as I parked the car was that Dennis, who was working at home when I left, would still be there. I made my way through the doorway, dropped my purse and keys on the kitchen floor, and fell on the bed, greatly relieved that my second prayer was answered. Dennis was home. After a couple of quick phone calls, he helped me back to the car and we were hurriedly off, weaving through traffic, trying to find the quickest, shortest route to the hospital. I rode in the reclined passenger seat of our van. My heart was racing at 200 to 300 beats per minute. My mind was racing, too. Who would the cardiologist be, since we were in another state for four weeks? How long would it last this time? It had been seven years since we’d discovered this congenital heart problem. Why was it happening again? Why now?

The big surprise

Approximately three months before this traumatic Tuesday, I had discovered another plan God had for my life that was not my own. We were nearing the end of an unusually busy spring, one that also contained more than its share of pressure. We were looking forward to the end of May and longing for summer with a break in the action.

During those months, I was feeling particularly stretched with our children. We had five. They were normal, active, curious children with five different personalities and five different sets of needs and problems. It was what I’d always wanted, and I was grateful to the Lord for each of these five treasures; still I was glad to be through with babies and pregnancies. I was looking forward to graduating from nursery duty.

May came—the downhill side of the mountain. The days were warming up and the flowers in our small garden began to branch out and bloom richly. I had planned to do some painting on our deck and wicker chairs before the real heat of the summer arrived. Suddenly my motivation was gone. I wasn’t noticing the flowers and the beautiful days. I was mentally preoccupied. I wasn’t gliding downhill as I had anticipated. I felt like I was climbing back up another mountain. I had found God’s will for my life in May. Another child. I was pregnant and completely caught off guard by the news.

Didn’t God know I had all I could handle with five? Didn’t He know I didn’t want to go through all this again? I was sick physically, and drained mentally, and tired just thinking about six children.

Learning to trust God’s will

The next two months were hard ones for me. I prayed and I cried and I read Scripture—falling asleep in the middle of verses. Life was reduced to whatever took the least amount of effort. I acknowledged at the very beginning my submission to God’s will for my life. I told Him I would obey and follow, but it took a long time for my feelings to catch up. Many days feelings of discouragement and inadequacy would take over. I continued to wonder why. And to wonder how I could do what God had called me to do.

During my time of adjusting to God’s will, I listened to a story on cassette tape with my children while riding in the car one day. The narrative was about Glenn Cunningham, a famous track star of the 1930’s who overcame a doctor’s prediction when he was nine years old that he’d never walk again. This young boy clung to a verse his father had read to him. It was Isaiah 40:28. That afternoon when we got home I got my Bible as soon as I could and read Isaiah 40:28 and into Isaiah 41. I stopped at verse 10, which says:

“Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.”

I reread it several times for it encouraged me that God said, “Fear not, for I am with you, I will help you.” I knew that God who had called me to be a mother and who had chosen to give me this new child would to only be with me, but would also give me the strength and help I needed.

Finding strength

Back to Tuesday, July 3. I lay in the coronary I.C.U. with tubes and wires seemingly stuck everywhere on my body. My heart was out of control. I was helpless. But my main concern was the child within me. It was genuine evidence of God’s work in my life. I wondered if I had gone through these last two months becoming excited about this child only to lose it? Knowing God, that He can heal and protect, but also knowing that He is the giver and the taker of life, I prayed simply that He would protect our baby and spare its life and mine. I continued that prayer and committed my life into His hands as I lay there growing weaker and weaker, only semi-consciously aware of the flurry of activity around my bed by doctors and nurses.

After two hours of trying different medications, I was put to sleep and my heart was retimed using electric shock treatment. When I woke, the nurse told me I was okay and the baby’s heartbeat was a strong 152 beats per minute: I was so relieved that I cried for joy because of God’s goodness to me.

In the aftermath of these two unexpected parts of God’s plan for my life, I found I needed to take time—time to recover physically and emotionally, but also spiritually. Time to pray about my recurring fears of “will it happen again?” and “is the baby really okay?” Time to think about my life, my relationships with my husband and children and my priorities. And I needed time to read the Bible for direction and comfort. God usually doesn’t speak to me in the very first verse I read in time of need. Listening to God’s voice takes time.

Being conformed to Christ’s image

Through that pregnancy and hospitalization I once again learned that accepting God’s will for my life is often a difficult assignment. God’s will requires adjustment. It also may carry a price tag called suffering—whether it be emotional, mental, or physical. However, one thing is certain about God’s will—Romans 12:2 tells us His will is good, acceptable, and perfect. God doesn’t make mistakes. I am being conformed to the image of Christ and one day that will be completed in an instant, and, from our human perspective, as if by magic. But for now God has chosen to conform, not by magic, but through a process called walking by faith. A quick glance through Hebrews 11 tells us faith requires not a feeling, but obedience to the truth, right choices, trust, and belief in a sovereign God and looking ahead to the future He has called us to.

God’s will in an individual life is much like a quilt. There is an overall pattern or design made up of hundreds of pieces. Some pieces are large, some small, some are pale in color, some dark, and some are brightly colored while others are rather dull. Choosing to be conformed to Christ’s image will require some pieces that viewed up close and apart from the whole seem difficult, unpleasant, and dark. But God has the whole pattern in view as He works His will in our lives. My part, as I see the pieces coming one at a time, is to remember that He is the Creative Designer. He sees the award-winning masterpiece. With that knowledge, I choose to trust His plan, knowing that His grace gives me time to conform to His will when the pieces I see are not of my choosing.

Lessons learned

Laura Victoria Rainey was born on a cold January night. She turned out quite healthy and normal, unaffected by my racing heart episode and all the medications and treatments she endured with me while still in the womb. She has added joy and smiles to our family and to my life.

Looking back on those days, I see that I learned some things that only experience can teach. One is a greater appreciation of God’s sovereignty and a greater willingness to follow His plan for my life. I want what God wants for me more now than I did then.

Second, I learned convincingly that God will enable me to do what He has planned for me. 1 Thessalonians 5:24 says, “Faithful is He who calls you and He will also bring it to pass.”

But there was also a realization gained, though I confess I’ve not mastered it yet. It is, that as a Christian, I often forget I am human (though often I am very aware of my humanity and wonder if there is any of the divine!). I expect and want instant-maturity. I don’t consciously think of Christianity as a magical fairy tale life, like Cinderella, but in my finite ability to understand and perceive reality I want the magic wand. I would love a “bibbity bobbity boo” formula of escape when life gets tough.

Perhaps that’s why prayer is sometimes difficult for me. It’s not a magic formula. I am a restricted, limited human being communicating with an infinite, all-wise, all-knowing God and there is a chasm of difference between us. Although Jesus Christ has bridged the gap, given me His Holy Spirit to intercede for me, and positionally seated me in the heavenlies with Christ, I am still, confined to a frail body and a finite mind.

Two human beings, even in the most intimate earthly relationship, marriage, frequently find areas of disagreement that take time to work out. I should not expect less in my relationship with my heavenly Father. Becoming conformed to His will takes time. It’s a process.

I’m thankful for these lessons learned and for the teaching God only began as a result of His interventions in my life. Difficulties afford me the opportunity to know Him better and become more conformed to Christ.

The question I asked myself during that summer of 1984 I now will ask you, for you too may find yourself in the middle of a plan that is not by your design but by God’s: “What difference will this portion of God’s will make in my life? Will I resist and insist on my own plan or will I submit and allow God to further conform me to His image?” The choice is yours, and mine.

Have you ever heard of “Amish forgiveness”? This phrase came to us through great tragedy. Perhaps you remember the story.

In October 2006, a gunman named Charles Roberts entered an Amish one-room schoolhouse in Pennsylvania and shot ten girls, killing five, and then taking his own life. It’s a storyline that has become all too familiar to us. A dark-hearted person goes on a killing rampage, taking the life of those who were where they were supposed to be and doing what they were supposed to do.

Every time it happens, we grieve. The world is a dark and evil place.

This time, however, something unexpected happened, something extraordinary. There was light.

The light came through the men and women of the Amish community—many of them family members of the victims.

What did they do that was so unusual? They forgave the family of the shooter. They didn’t let their loss and their emotions keep them from the courageous obedience that enabled them to forgive in word and in deed.

Grace and forgiveness

One of the first members of the community to reach out to the Roberts family—within hours of the shooting—was Henry Stoltzfoos, a board member of the three Amish schools in the area. He was also their neighbor. When Mr. Stoltzfoos came to visit, Chuck Roberts, the shooter’s father, was slumped over at the breakfast bar in their home sobbing uncontrollably.

As Mr. Stoltzfoos arrived, dressed in his formal visiting attire, he immediately walked over to Chuck, placed his hand on him and said “Roberts, we love you. This was not your doing. You must not blame yourself.”*

Terri Roberts, the mother of the shooter, said she was amazed by the grace and forgiveness extended to her family by the Amish people of her community, even the parents of the victims. As her neighbors reached out to her, she kept coming back to Ephesians 4:32, “forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

These men and women chose to ignore their natural inclination in order to respond as they knew God wanted them to. Because of their faith in God, they knew that only forgiveness could heal their families and their community. Retaliation would only make matters worse. Chastising the shooter’s family, their neighbors, would solve nothing. Only forgiveness, followed by compassion, could heal and restore. They chose obedience.

Three misconceptions about feelings

Far too many of us live on the level of our feelings. Invariably we allow feelings to control our lives. When we feel slighted, we sulk. When we feel wronged, we take revenge. When we feel lonely, we binge. If we fail to check our feelings against the truth of God’s word, they can take up permanent residency. When this happens, our outlook on life becomes distorted and toxic, and we may end up doing things we would never have imagined.

Our feelings mislead us because we don’t fully understand them. It is important then, that we identify our misconceptions so that our feelings become subject to truth.

Misconception #1: Faith is just a feeling.

My friend, Ney Bailey, wrote a book entitled Faith Is Not a Feeling. A survivor of the 1976 Big Thompson Flood in Colorado that took nearly 150 lives, Ney reminds us that no matter how bleak things look, no matter how we feel, we need to believe and obey God’s promises and commands. The appearance of things is never the full truth about them. This is why fear so often gets the upper hand, because we believe only what we can see. Don’t let your feelings become your identity, or worse yet, your god.

Misconception #2: Love is just a feeling.

Our highly romanticized view of love has weakened its meaning. Marital love fueled only by feelings runs out of gas eventually, sometimes in less than 12 months. In its essence, love is a commitment. It’s bedrock obedience to keep your promises, to honor, respect, and give preference to your spouse even when you don’t feel like it.

Of course you want romance in your marriage. Who doesn’t? And commitment will bring the romance. But romance, as we so often think of it, is such a powerful feeling that it can also destroy marriages. If the feeling is all we’re after, we’ll go where the feeling is the strongest.

I think this is what happened to many of the Christian leaders we’ve seen fall morally over the years. Based on the stories I’ve heard, I’m reasonably certain that the downfall of these men started with small concessions. Their feelings for another slowly overtook their commitment to their spouse and ultimately Christ. In the end, feelings trumped their promise; compromise followed. Failure is usually not a blowout, it’s a slow leak. Just follow your feelings.

Had these men and women recognized the dangerous path their feelings were about to take them on, had they known the devastation they would bring to themselves, their families, and to the cause of Christ, they would have extinguished the catalytic chemistry of attraction to another person. They would have turned back before temptation gave birth to sin. They would have obeyed God rather than their feelings (James 1:12-15).

As someone once said, “Sin would have fewer takers if it’s consequences occurred immediately.”

Misconception #3: Forgiveness is just a feeling.

Many people are under the false impression that in order to forgive, they must feel like forgiving. However, forgiveness is a choice to obey the commands of Scripture: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). When we forgive, we choose to give up the right to punish another. We choose to no longer hold onto or rehearse the hurt caused by the offense, and we choose to relinquish any right to retaliate, even if friends try to persuade us to get even.

A number of years ago I was in a business partnership with a man who wronged me repeatedly. The man had been a good friend, but he took advantage of me. The result: I was faced with not only a sense of profound betrayal, but also dissolving a partnership headed for bankruptcy. The wounds were deep and the temptation to get revenge was very real.

God provided three friends, Merle, Al, and Scott, who helped me sell the company. In the end, I was left with over 150 boxes of records spanning the last ten years of business. Legally, I was told that I could burn each box after its contents reached the ten-year mark. So, on January 1 of each year I’d carry the relative boxes to my fire pit and light them up. This became an annual spiritual health checkup for me: Had I continued to forgive my business partner, my friend? It wasn’t easy, but I have forgiven him…at least ten times!

How does God respond to faithful obedience?

Do you want to know God more? Do you want to experience more of Him? Do you want to have a fuller understanding of God’s ways and purposes? Do you want settled peace, stronger faith, and uncorrupted courage? Then you must come to Him through the door of obedience. Daily. Moment by moment. It is a lifetime’s journey and an adventure of immense proportions and privilege.

Never underestimate the significance of even the smallest act of obedience—or disobedience. Heed the words of C. S. Lewis: “Good and evil both increase at compound interest. That’s why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. The smallest good act today is the capture of a strategic point from which a few months later you may be able to go on to victories you never dreamed of. An apparent trivial indulgence today in lust or anger may be the loss of a ridge or railway line or bridgehead from which the enemy may launch an attack otherwise impossible.”

You have no idea what you’re opening yourself up to when you let your appetites have their way.

Perhaps it’s not the issue of dealing with bitterness or asking for forgiveness that is your point of obedience today. Whatever it is, I remind you of James 4:17, “So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.”

Obey God, not your feelings.

For years Dennis Rainey has been sharing seven principles by which we should live our lives. Hear Dennis talk about the seven decisions you’ll never regret on FamilyLife Today®. And check out Dennis’s new book, Choosing a Life That Matters, to explore the seven principles in depth.

*Story adapted from Forgiven by Terri Roberts and Jeanette Windle; 2015, Bethany House.

Merry and I are attending a Sunday-night class at our church on the Christian life. We’ve been followers of Christ for many years, but sometimes it’s nice to take a sort of “refresher course” about familiar truths.

So the other night we were asked to meet with another couple and share a story about a time when God had worked in our lives through the Holy Spirit.

My story

I told about a morning three weeks before our wedding. I awoke at around 5 a.m. and couldn’t sleep. I felt restless and uneasy as I thought about getting married; I was anxious about the new responsibilities I was taking on as a husband.

So I got up and went for a long walk as the city slowly awoke. It was one of those times when I was unusually reflective—I thought of how God had worked in my life over the previous five years. I thought of how He had provided for me, and I thought of familiar Scriptures that reminded me of His love for me and His control over my life.

And then came the moment that I most remember more than 30 years later. I sensed very clearly God telling me through His Spirit, “If you have any doubts that I am going to guide you over your life, just think of this: Out of all the people in this city, you are the one who I got out of bed early in the morning just so you could walk and spend time with Me.”

That moment remains a touchstone for me—a time when God let me know that He would never leave me or forsake me.

Merry’s story

Just after she graduated from high school, Merry joined 80,000 other students for a Campus Crusade for Christ conference in Dallas called EXPLO 72. It was a life-changing week for Merry in many ways, but one of the most memorable experiences occurred about midway through the event.

Merry became sick and dehydrated, and she was taken to a Red Cross tent outside the Cotton Bowl. The people caring for her felt she was worn down from the hectic schedule and that she needed to return to her hotel, but it wouldn’t work to wait hours for her group to leave on the bus. So they prayed that someone would come along to give her a ride.

Not more than two minutes later a young man walked into the tent and said, “I don’t know why, but I just received a very strong impression that I should come in here and ask if anyone needs a ride.”

As it turned out, the young man did more than offer Merry a ride. He called his parents, and they invited her to stay with them in nearby Fort Worth while she recuperated. So that’s where she stayed for the remainder of the conference. For Merry it was the first time she had ever observed a family that operated with Christ at the center of their home, and it made a strong impression on her. So strong that she determined that she would pray for a husband who was in love with God, and in the meantime she wouldn’t date anyone unless he was a committed Christian. As she likes to say, “I gave God my date life, and He took it.”

The connection

After we finished these stories, the other couple said, “Do you see how those two stories are connected?” In more than 30 years, we had never thought of it before; this was the first time we told those two stories together.

We always thought these were two separate accounts of God working in our lives. But now I see a link: In 1972, Merry saw her heavenly Father provide for her needs in a special way, and she committed to trust God for a husband who walked with Him. At the time, this man had not yet trusted Christ as his Lord and Savior, but seven years later he was willing to get up at 5 a.m. to walk with God and listen to His voice. I call that an answered prayer.

Makes me think I need to get up early and take those walks more often.

Discouragement. Who hasn’t felt its chilling grip on the heart?

Discouragement neutralizes optimism, assassinates hope, and erases courage. Perhaps no other human emotion is so commonly experienced and yet so infrequently exposed.

Have you ever been tempted to lose heart because God didn’t answer a critical prayer for you? You know, something urgent—something inextricably linked to your heart—and even something that you knew was God’s will?

Barbara and I have. We’ve experienced those apparently unanswered prayers. We’ve gone through the questioning, the soul-searching, and the inner struggle of being disappointed with God’s seeming lack of response.

One year a close friend of ours went through the heart-ripping experience of a divorce. Their 5-year-old, freckle-faced daughter was jerked north, then south as the marriage unraveled.

For nearly three years we prayed. We counseled, called, wrote letters, pleaded, reasoned, and wept. We got them to two Weekend to Remember® marriage getaways.

The day the divorce was finalized, a piece of our hearts was crushed as the judge’s gavel came smashing down.

We were bewildered. Confused. Didn’t God say He hated divorce? Yet in the end, we felt sin had won. We were left with a living mosaic of deceit, betrayal, and broken promises.

Disappointment with God soon followed. If prayers so close to God’s heart are going to be unanswered, then why pray? The incident rattled our faith. It shouldn’t have, but it did. We were tempted to lose heart.

Unprocessed discouragement

After a time, we both closeted our discouragement and unbelief—we buried them. Instead of working out the emotions of being discouraged with God’s answer, we sort of tucked it all away like a box full of Christmas ornaments in an obscure closet in our lives.

On occasion, when we were encountering a gritty situation, we could both hear our doubt and discouragement rattling around in that closet. They would accuse and chide, “Why pray, anyway? Why try—in the end people are going to do it their way!” Unresolved discouragement and disillusionment had replaced faith and expectancy.

Over the time that has passed since then, we’ve been able to isolate the problem and discuss how we should handle being discouraged and disappointed with God. Dealing with the “why did God allow that” is never easy. But in a relationship where expectations have gone unmet and discouragement has taken up residence, it is essential that the problem be processed.

I’m convinced that many Christians closet their disappointment with God. Denying doubts, we become dishonest with God and put on a spiritual veneer that says, “all is well!”

Unprocessed discouragement results in mistrust. And it is at this critical point that the enemy of our souls has us exactly where he wants us. Paralyzed in unbelief from the neck down, our eyes see and our minds know what we ought to believe, but the faith of our hearts lies frozen. And a subtle mistrust of God sets in.

Disheartened, we passively allow other weeds to sprout. Discouragement creates fertile soil for the weeds of doubt, fear, unbelief, and compromise to grow.

Tools for sale

Robert Lewis, my pastor, tells a story about a public auction that the devil once had. As the prospective buyers assembled, they noticed an assortment of tools that the devil was selling. The tools of worry, fear, lust, greed, and selfishness were all carefully inspected before the sale. But off to one side, standing alone, there was one oddly shaped, well-worn tool which was labeled, “Not for sale.”

Asked to explain why, the devil replied, “I can spare my other tools, but I cannot spare this one. It is the most useful implement that I have. With it I can work my way deep into hearts otherwise inaccessible. After I have plowed deeply with this tool, the way is open to plant anything there I desire. It is the most effective tool I have. It is the tool of discouragement.”

What do we need to overcome discouragement? In Galatians 6:9-10, the Apostle Paul tells us, “And let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we shall reap if we do not grow weary. So then, while we have opportunity let us do good to all men, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith.”1.

1. Be truthful with God.

I’ve found that God is not fooled by my lofty prayers for the missionaries in Africa, when deep inside I’m hurting. God is able to handle your emotions. Be honest.

Are you discouraged about a child who rarely reaches your expectations? Tell Him. Disheartened about your mate and an unresolved conflict? God knows already, but pour it out. Disillusioned with a friend? Then pray. Are you questioning God—His fairness, your circumstances, or your unanswered prayers? Get alone. Share your grief with the One who knows you best.

Here’s where Paul’s admonition to “not lose heart” nudges me in the right direction. It’s normal to get discouraged, but Paul warns it’s not acceptable to stay discouraged.

2. Find the source of your discouragement.

Sometimes it’s a goal that was not attained … again. Or the problem may be a cutting remark of a friend, the feeling that you’re carrying this particularly heavy burden alone, or the lack of approval by an important person in your life.

By isolating the source of my discouragement, many times I’ve found that my hope was in the wrong person or in the wrong place. On other occasions I’ve found that my response was normal—and, because I can’t quit, I’ve just got to work through my feelings of wanting to throw in the towel.

3. With a heart of faith, look beyond your circumstances and your emotions to a God who will renew you day by day.

Realize that hardship is what God uses to perfect our faith (Romans 5:1-10). And remember, God promises “… we shall all reap if we do not grow weary.”

One of my favorite stories is that of the British missionary Elizabeth Aleward. Miss Aleward had two great sorrows as a young girl: Her hair was black and straight (when all of the popular girls’ hair was full of golden curls), and while all her friends kept growing, she ended up short.

Years later, God called her to the mission field in China. As she stood looking at the people to whom God had called her to minister, she said, “I noticed two very apparent observations about these people. First, each and every one of them had long, straight black hair. And, secondly, each and every one of them had stopped growing at exactly the same moment that I did. And I bowed my head and prayed, Jehovah, God, you know what you are doing!’”

My friend, the tomb is empty—Jesus Christ is alive—He is the One who can lift up heavy hands or a burdened heart.

Barbara and I have concluded that God has given us a life that is going to have times of discouragement and disappointment. We love the way Philip Yancey puts it, “The alternative to disappointment with God seems to be disappointment without God.” The uncertainty of life can only be handled by a tough, resilient faith in a God who knows what He is doing.

In Deuteronomy 6, God reminds His people that their hearts should be steadfast toward Him. Knowing that our hearts tend to wander, and knowing that the faith of one generation is not guaranteed for the next, God commanded His people to go out of their way to remember His truths in every little activity of their day.

Here are 10 well-known, easy-to-remember verses to help us keep our hearts trained on God through even the most mundane events of the day. You might want to place each verse in an appropriate place—by the alarm clock, in the bathroom, on a shopping list—as a reminder of His goodness to us and our dependence on Him. These would be great verses for you and your children to memorize.

1. Waking up—“This is the day which the Lord has made; Let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24

2. Showering (coming clean)—“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9

3. Getting dressed—“I will rejoice greatly in the Lord, My soul will exult in my God; For He has clothed me with garments of salvation, He has wrapped me with a robe of righteousness.” Isaiah 61:10a

4. Mealtimes—“Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” 1 Corinthians 10:31

5. Caring for children—“If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!” Matthew 7:11

6. Making phone calls—“Call to Me and I will answer you, and I will tell you great and mighty things, which you do not know.” Jeremiah 33:3

7. Working—“Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men.” Colossians 3:23

8. Grocery shopping—“Who gives food to all flesh, For His lovingkindness is everlasting. Give thanks to the God of heaven, For His lovingkindness is everlasting.” Psalm 136:25-26

9. Paying bills—“Do not worry then, saying, `What will we eat?’ or `What will we drink?’ or `What will we wear for clothing?’ For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:31-33

10. Going to sleep—“In peace I will both lie down and sleep, For You alone, O Lord, make me to dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8

I’ve had the privilege of traveling to Africa a few times in my life. The rules of the road and expectations of other drivers are not like those in the U.S.

I’ve had my driver’s license a long time, but driving there is very different than at home. It’s almost as if I really don’t know how to drive at all when I’m there. The same could be said for hundreds of other cultural distinctions: social norms, language, food preparation, family expectations, etc.

Being in a different country is unsettling. Unnerving. Scary. Self-doubt and feeling out of control go along with the unfamiliar territory. We may feel out of control and doubt our own judgment, asking, “Am I doing anything wrong?”

We get those same feelings when we enter unfamiliar spiritual, psychological, or relational territory as well. For example, my middle son, Connor, died February 17, 2009, and I felt like I entered an entirely different world at that point. I shared with an audience recently that I no longer live in “Normal Land” anymore. Now I live in “New Normal Land”—and I don’t like it at all. I feel out of sorts, out of control, and frequently out of hope.

Even further, being there is really an odd experience because I still interact with people who live normal lives; and they assume that I, too, live in a world where everything works mentally and emotionally the way it does for them. But I don’t.

What they see and who they interact with is just a shadow of me. The real me interacts in another world—a world where I face grief and loss on a daily basis, which has become a part of me, and I’m often alone in my own unfamiliar territory.

“But isn’t that isolating?” you may ask.

Yes, it is.

“How do you cope?” you may wonder.

I find others who also live in New Normal Land, and we hang out.

“Why?”

Because we understand each other. What is normal for others who have lost a child is also normal for me, and that commonality brings perspective, comfort, and hope.

Living in Stepfamily Land

In my role as a counselor, conference speaker, ministry consultant, and director of the largest stepfamily ministry in the world (FamilyLife Blended®), I receive lots of questions from people in blended families. The questions vary greatly—some are about the needs of children, others about marriage, stepfamily dynamics, and ex-spouses—but most of them have a common theme.

No matter what the topic, people are basically asking the same thing: “Am I doing anything wrong? Is this normal?”

Jennifer was one of the moms who came to me in distress. She posted a question on our Facebook page (facebook.com/smartstepfamilies). “I have three children from my first marriage,” she began. “They are 7, 8, and 9. I am getting remarried in a few months. I am uncertain of how to discuss with my kids the role of their future stepfather. My youngest is excited to call him dad, while my middle son is refusing to call him dad because, he says, Jerry will ‘never be his real dad.’ My oldest, by the way, wants to call him ‘Jerry or stepdad.’ How do we address this subject without hurting the kids’ feelings or Jerry’s? What is a healthy expectation to how the kids feel? Are we doing anything wrong? Is this normal?”

Similar to my experience with losing my son, blended families live in a different land than first-families. Blended families have crossed over into a new territory—your New Normal Land is Stepfamily Land. Trying to go it alone without spending time with other blended families leaves you and the Jennifers of the world examining your life from the perspective of those in First Family Land—and that makes you feel abnormal.

If you ask one of the people over in First Family Land if your life is normal, they will likely say, “Oh, that’s strange. What’s wrong with you?” So don’t bother asking them.

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!

Who do you ask, then? How do you compare your life to others in order to know what’s normal and what’s not? Look around you. There are lots of people who live in Stepfamily Land and have studied how life goes here. They are ahead of you in the process. Ask them.

That’s where you will find answers, perspective, comfort, and hope. And when you ask, “Is this normal?” They will tell you, in Stepfamily Land, yes, it is.

Answering Jennifer

So, how did I answer Jennifer’s message? I told her, “Jennifer, I have good news. You aren’t doing anything wrong. Everything you’ve described in your question is very normal. In fact, it’s par for the stepfamily course. Still, you need to know what to do about it.”

Then I pointed her toward the resources of FamilyLife Blended, including the book Dating and the Single Parent, so she could begin to understand life in Stepfamily Land. And most importantly, I urged her to find others who also live near her so they can hang out, and together, live in Stepfamily Land.

Life was not made to be lived alone. If you do not have a band of blended family couples that you meet with on a regular basis, then you are walking in unfamiliar territory alone and isolated.

There are many ways to connect with other Christian stepfamilies around you. Here’s an idea: Start a small group comprised of people that you already know who are living in Stepfamily Land. If you don’t know anyone, use social media to gather people together, or coordinate with your church to start a blended family small group.

The people in your group may not be able to provide all the answers, but that’s okay. What you need from your group more than anything is camaraderie—others who can pray for you, walk through struggles with you, and testify from their own experiences that you’re not alone and that there is hope.

And you have the Word of God, which transcends all relationships, no matter how they were formed. With brothers and sisters in Christ and the Word of God to guide you, your New Normal can be a great place to live.

Most of the time, we don’t reach for God until we have to. Our hardest circumstances are often the ones God uses to call forth the deeper reach for Him.

Until I was in over my head with five children, I never needed to pray the Bible under my breath, up the stairs and down, from one bedroom to the next.

Until I sat feeling invisible in a crowd of peers, I never needed to ask God, daily, for strength to be unnoticed.

Until my friends’ bellies were round and I was barren and felt forgotten by God, I never prayed the Psalms as if they were my own cries.

Until I was mothering four former orphans and wondering just how far God goes to restore a life, I never scoured the Word of God for truths about restoration.

Until the voices of accolades around me suddenly got quiet, I never saw a need to sit before God in the silence and wait for His whispers.

Until all the other words around me fell short, I never considered meditating upon God’s Word, mulling it over and letting it dance around my mind for longer than a morning quiet time.

In all these experiences, it was as if God were the parent in my dream, the one slowly shaping my life from orphan to daughter. You don’t see it all like I do. I know what’s best—I know you best. The story you want, though not bad, isn’t the story I have for you. Will you let Me write your story?

This is the invitation God offers in the winters of my soul. An invitation to trust that my story is His story. And if I let Him winterize me, He will deepen my roots and help me to stretch my branches toward Him—for my good and for His glory.

Mary’s invisible story

Mary of Bethany also had plans, we might suppose. And planners don’t like to leave things to chance. Mary carried her plan in a jar around her neck. She held dignity and extravagance near her chest.

This spikenard oil was imported from India and cost a year’s wages. This was no impulse purchase. It was her assurance—her savings account and her security. She’d likely had it long before she met Jesus, and so it was part of her. Her scent mingled with the scent of this oil. It marked her. Until she saw a different function for its extravagance.

Yes, it was an extravagance that she carried, but it paled in light of the extravagance she experienced when she was with Jesus.

This man had comforted her when she grieved the death of her brother, had taught her truth and treated her with dignity in a culture that neither educated nor honored women. His kindness and His defiance of cultural norms emboldened her and prepared her to pour out brazen love as oil.

In a moment, her plans suddenly meant nothing to her. Letting go of them, while uncomfortable and unfamiliar, empowered her.

She’d grown safe within this otherworldly love He offered to her, so an exchange of her story for His no longer frightened her. She moved from fear to desire. She wanted it more than anything else.

Even the oil.

Mary was so in love with the God who had seen her when no one else did, the God who knew her and whispered His secrets to her, the God who breathed fresh life into her dead brother, that she’d do anything for Him. She would crack open what had once been her treasure in exchange for a new story. It was a costly exchange, but it was worth it because she was His.

Mary not only offered God her opportunity for greatness—that jar she carried around her neck—she broke it open. There was no going back. She was all in, and the oil was no longer hers for safekeeping. Mary was now Mary without the oil’s musk that had marked her.

In an instant, what had signified security and recognition spilled through her fingers. Those dreams of moving comfortably into old age with financial assurance, and perhaps even thoughts of clothing herself in the finest linens, all fell away as she looked at Him. She was close enough to see the lines on His face He was beautiful and powerful and safe.

Mary probably hadn’t told a soul about this ahead of time. Perhaps she hadn’t planned this moment at all. If she had and had told others about it, it’s likely they tried to talk her out of it.

But they didn’t yet know what she knew—that when she got near to Jesus, the glow of everything and everyone else dimmed. When she got near to this man, her life became great. He reveled in her story and in her participation in His story: This was greatness.

There are two stories in a person—the visible story and the invisible story.

To Jesus, Mary’s greatness was revealed in the very act that the onlookers called foolish. And in this weakened, wasted greatness, she got closer to Him—she participated in His story—and she grew.

There is great value in the private moments we spend with God

Times have shifted. In this digital age, we might well wonder, If it wasn’t posted on social media, did it really happen? We can’t live for the beauty of the hidden life while feeding on likes and comments. As long as we don’t make big impact synonymous with greatness, there’s nothing wrong with it. But the unintended consequence may be that we think that anything that isn’t big and observable isn’t great, which renders the rest of life a waiting room. Wasted time.

When we live a life of constantly reaching for the next big thing, we miss the greatness God is calling us to right here, right now. In the small, the ordinary, the hidden moments. The white space.

If the chief end of every human being is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever, shouldn’t that glory and enjoyment be able to happen when no one is looking? Within the times when we don’t seem to be influencing the world at all, the moments when we pour ourselves out at Jesus’ feet?

Great kingdom impact comes not just from actions that make a dramatic and observable impact but from all the accumulated moments we spend looking at God, bringing Him glory in private, and letting Him shape our insides.

We aren’t forfeiting outward impact for private devotion to God. We are submitting to the understanding that life in God isn’t about God’s needing us to do His work for Him or to do it under our own power. It is instead about a glory we can’t always measure. It is the work that happens beneath the surface, deep in the soil of our hearts, that in time produces a great harvest of fruit and growth.

Listen to Sara Hagerty on FamilyLife Today® as she talks about what it means to live a life that is seemingly unnoticed.

Our culture applauds what we can produce, what we can show, what we can upload to social media. Yet the majority of what goes on in our lives is unwitnessed. We spend our days working, driving, parenting. We sometimes spend whole seasons feeling unnoticed and unappreciated. So how do we find contentment when we feel so hidden? In Sara’s book, Unseen, she suggests that this is exactly what God intended. Order the book to learn that when this truth seeps into our souls, we realize that only when we hide ourselves in God can we give ourselves to others in true freedom—and know the joy of a deeper relationship with the God who sees us.

Moving is much like an emotional roller-coaster ride. One minute you’re going up, the next minute you’re going down, and you’re never quite sure what the next curve will bring. Right now you may be hanging on to the roller coaster of moving, not sure how you are going to land.

Have you even stopped for a minute to check your emotions about this move? If you haven’t taken the time to prepare your heart emotionally and spiritually, you will be like an empty vessel unable to pour out the love, care, nurturing, and encouragement your children need during this time.

Where do you begin? Here are 10 steps to prepare your heart for a smooth move. The first four are the foundation for all the rooms in your heart.

1. Remember Who accompanies you. The most important thing for you to remember in your transition is that you are not going through it alone. God assures us that His presence goes with and even ahead of us. He will never leave us, fail us, or forsake us. Even now when I feel alone and overwhelmed, I am reassured through God’s Word that He is with me! You can prepare a room in your heart with this Scripture: “The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed” (Deuteronomy 31:8).

2. Recall God’s faithfulness. Oh, how easily we forget! I can become so consumed in seeing only what’s happening around me right now and how it’s not going according to the “plan of Susan” that I quickly forget God’s faithful track record with me. He has always met all my needs, although not necessarily all my wants (Philippians 4:19). It is all according to His plan, not mine!

I remember one time when we were making two house payments because our house in Atlanta had not sold before we moved to Phoenix. I could not understand why we had to endure such a financial hardship. After one year, the Atlanta house finally sold. Somehow God faithfully provided a way financially for us to make it month by month. I learned some faith-building lessons that year in trust, patience, and God’s provision. Prepare a room in your heart with faith, not sight (2 Corinthians 5:7).

3. Count your blessings. Regardless of your circumstances, I know you can find the blessings in your life. Put aside all the “what ifs” and the “if onlys” and start counting. Instead of having a pity party, have a praise party!

On one of our moves during early marriage days, we lived in an apartment complex that was still under construction. Each day all I saw was the dirt and mud that surrounded us. Every time someone came inside they tracked in more mud. There wasn’t anything that wasn’t covered with dust inside. My “if only” list grew and spilled over into a bad attitude and a grand pity party. Then one day as I looked out the window, my eyes shifted from the ground to the sky. The sun was gleaming through the trees, and the sky was bright blue. I caught a glimpse of a bird high on a treetop, singing his heart out. Suddenly I realized how I had been looking down and seeing only the negative circumstances.

Try looking up instead of down. It’s amazing what you’ll see. Changing your focus can make all the difference in the world. Wallpaper a room in your heart with Psalm 118:24 (NIV): “This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.”

4. Stay grounded in what’s important. A lot of things are going on in your life right now. To-do lists are getting longer, as well as all the suggestions on what to do and how to do it. As I have said many times in the upheaval of moving, “I’m bouncing off the walls. Watch out!” Sometimes I need to be pulled back to the center and get my feet back on the ground before I can move forward.

Are you listening to society telling you how to look and act to make this a smooth and easy transition in your life? Try listening to the voice of God as He tells you to follow His direction and listen to His wisdom. God’s to-do list is short. Prepare a room in your heart with God’s Word to keep you rooted and grounded in His love (Ephesians 3:17).

5. Stop and smell the flowers. In other words, take time to be good to yourself! Schedule some self-care by taking a break to rest your body, renew your mind, and restore your spirit. Emotions are high and nerves are on edge. You will need an extra measure of energy in the days ahead.

Get a good night’s sleep. You don’t have to stay up all night cleaning out drawers or straightening up the house for the movers to come. True confession: I’ve done it. I even had a friend who dusted everything before her move.

You might want to start journaling your thoughts and feelings about this move. Add some personal prayers. It will be good to look back and see how God has answered them. Make the time to read your Bible. It will renew your mind with God’s truth at a time when things may seem confusing.

6. Ask for help from your friends. I was always so hesitant to ask anybody to help me when we were in the moving process. I didn’t want to impose or inconvenience anyone. Over the years I’ve learned that by not asking for help, I was denying my friends the blessing of being a part of the process of our leaving.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Part of saying good-bye can be expressed through the gift of serving. The time spent together is priceless. The memories will be cherished.

7. Be prepared for the blues clues. Recognize the clues when you get the blues! You may feel sad about leaving a great job, dear friends, or a home that’s become a part of you. You might be angry at your husband or even his company for a move you didn’t want to make. The fear of going to a new place, not knowing if you will like it there or whether you will fit in, may loom in the back of your mind. Anxiety about choosing the right house, school, community, church, doctor, and even a hairdresser could keep your thoughts preoccupied.

My dear moving friend, you are so normal! As the tapestry of your life is woven together again, it is my prayer that it will be with threads of peace, contentment, and joy. Prepare a room in your heart where you can acknowledge your feelings and seek God’s peace.

8. It’s okay to cry if you want to. Moving is change. With change comes loss. With loss comes grieving. With grieving come tears. When you move, grieving is a natural progression of what happens when you lose someone or something that is meaningful part of your life. The loss of your friends, community, home, job, and even your church family can fill you with grief even before your move takes place.

Prepare a room in your heart for tears to flow. It’s okay to cry. “After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.” (1 Peter 5:10).

9. When the heat is up, stay cool. There will be times when the stress is rising and the pressure is on. Nothing will go according to plan: You are late for a farewell get-together; you can’t find the house documents you put in a safe place; the people who might buy your house are coming back and bringing their relatives; and the school just called for you to come and get your sick child. Sound familiar? At times like this, keeping a sense of humor and being flexible are your only chances for survival. Humor can release stress and help put chaos in perspective. Prepare a room in your heart to cool down when the heat is up!

10. Rise to the occasion. You can do it! I am excited about what God is going to do in you and through you on this journey. You may take a few detours along the way and even get off on the wrong exit ramp occasionally, but God is right there with you, always ready to guide you back to the right path. He will stretch you beyond your comfort zone and give you the resilience and strength to go through all the bumps along the way. Trust Him on this journey. Seek Him with all your heart. Turn to Him for your stability and security. Embrace the changes this move will bring as an opportunity to learn and grow personally in ways beyond what you could ever imagine.

Not long ago, a seasoned marathoner had just crossed the finish line with an impressive time when he suffered a heart attack and died. From the outside, he looked to be the picture of health, but a fatal condition was hiding on the inside.

Every one of us needs an occasional visit to the doctor for a checkup to make sure everything is working alright and that we don’t have an unknown serious internal condition.

The same is true with our spiritual lives. As creatures of habit, we tend to go through life on autopilot. We often miss clues that indicate our spirit is not enjoying the good health God created it for.

In the same way the doctor puts us through a battery of tests to diagnose potential physical problems, God has given us a process of evaluating spiritual problems in our lives:

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23)

The fruit of the Spirit are characteristics of the Holy Spirit’s active presence in our daily activities. Let’s look at each one and ask some diagnostic questions to see how we can reflect them better.

Practical ways to live out the fruit of the spirit

1. Love.

This word for love doesn’t refer to warm feelings but to a deliberate attitude of good will and devotion to others. Love gives freely without looking at whether the other person deserves it, and it gives without expecting anything back.

Question: Am I motivated to do for others as Christ has done for me, or am I giving in order to receive something in return?

2. Joy.

Unlike happiness, joy is gladness that is completely independent of the good or bad things that happen in the course of the day. In fact, joy denotes a supernatural gladness given by God’s Spirit that actually seems to show up best during hard times. This is a product of fixing your focus on God’s purposes for the events in your life rather than on the circumstances.

Question: Am I choosing joy in life on a regular basis, or is my happiness dependent on things going smoothly in my day?

3. Peace.

It’s not the absence of turmoil, but the presence of tranquility even while in a place of chaos. It is a sense of wholeness and completeness that is content knowing that God controls the events of the day.

Question: Do I find myself frazzled by the crashing waves of turmoil in my life, or am I experiencing “the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding” (Philippians 4:6-7)?

4. Patience.

Other words that describe this fruit of the Spirit are lenience, long-suffering, forbearance, perseverance, and steadfastness. It is the ability to endure poor treatment from life or at the hands of others without lashing out or paying back.

Question: Am I easily set off when things go wrong or people irritate me, or am I able to stay calm and keep a godly perspective in the face of life’s irritations?

5. Kindness.

When kindness is at work in a person’s life, he or she looks for ways to adapt to meet the needs of others. It is moral goodness that overflows. It’s also the absence of malice.

Question: Is it my goal to serve others with kindness, or am I too focused on my own needs, desires, or problems to let the goodness of God overflow to others?

6. Goodness.

While kindness is the soft side of good, goodness reflects the character of God. Goodness in you desires to see goodness in others and is not beyond lovingly confronting or even rebuking (as Jesus did with the money changers in the temple) for that to happen.

Question: Does my life reflect the holiness of God, and do I desire to see others experience God at a deep level in their own lives?

7. Faithfulness.

A faithful person is one with real integrity. They are someone others can look to as an example, and someone who is truly devoted to others and to Christ. Our natural self always wants to be in charge, but Spirit-controlled faithfulness is evident in the life of a person who seeks good for others and glory for God.

Question: Are there areas of hypocrisy and indifference toward others in my life, or is my life characterized by faith in Christ and faithfulness to those around me?

8. Gentleness.

Meekness is not weakness. Gentleness is not without power, it just chooses to defer to others. It forgives others, corrects with kindness, and lives in tranquility.

Question: Do I come across to others as brash and headstrong, or am I allowing the grace of God to flow through me to others?

9. Self-control.

Our fleshly desires, Scripture tells us, are continually at odds with God’s Spirit and always want to be in charge. Self-control is literally releasing our grip on the fleshly desires, choosing instead to be controlled by the Holy Spirit. It is power focused in the right place.

Question: Are my fleshly desires controlling my life, or am I allowing the Spirit to direct me to the things that please God and serve others?

10. Walk by the Spirit.

While not a fruit of the Spirit, the final item on the checkup produces all nine qualities listed above. When we follow the Spirit’s lead instead of being led by our self-focused desires, He produces the fruit.

But even when we don’t walk by the Spirit, He is the very one who convicts us that things are not in proper order in our lives.

God promises that if we admit we’ve been walking our own way and ask for His forgiveness and cleansing, He will empower us through His Spirit to live above ourselves and embrace the abundant life for which He has created us.

Question: Am I actively depending on the Holy Spirit to guide me in living out the fruit of the Spirit? If not, am I willing to confess to God that His ways are better than mine, and that I need the Spirit’s guidance to choose His ways instead of my own?

Editor’s Note: On the July 1, 2016, FamilyLife Today® broadcast, host Dennis Rainey and co-host Bob Lepine interviewed Karen Ehman, a Proverbs 31 Ministries author and speaker. Karen said it’s important to not say something permanently painful because you are temporarily ticked off.

Bob referred to a list of Bible verses on page 75 of Karen’s book Keep It Shut. We’ve provided this list for you and hope that it, in addition to the broadcast, will serve you and your family well.

Is your love for real? Find out in Bob Lepine's new book, Love Like You Mean It.

Here are ten fabulous verses to keep in mind—or to cement in mind by memorizing them—that can help you watch your words so they don’t do damage to others, to yourself, or to God.

Words from the mouth of the wise are gracious, but fools are consumed by their own lips. (Ecclesiastes 10:12)
Whoever would love life and see good days must keep their tongue from evil and their lips from deceitful speech. (1 Peter 3:10)
Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. (James 1:26)
May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer. (Psalm 19:14)
Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. (Colossians 4:6)
Do not let your mouth lead you into sin. (Ecclesiastes 5:6)
Set a guard over my mouth, LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips. (Psalm 141:3)
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29)
Before a word is on my tongue, you, LORD, know it completely. (Psalm 139:4)
Though you probe my heart, though you examine me at night and test me, you will find that I have planned no evil; my mouth has not transgressed. (Psalm 17:3)

One of the things that uniquely characterizes us as human beings is a capacity to have a personal relationship with God, our Creator. He made us not only to live in this world but to enjoy a personal relationship with Him, starting in this life and continuing on into eternity. If we are totally focused on the material things of this life and this world, we will miss out on most of what life is all about.

Augustine is famous for saying: “Thou hast made us for Thyself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it finds its rest in Thee.” How true that is. God has put within us a sense that there is something more than life on this earth. Your body will age, you will become more forgetful, you will lose your social support, and your nest egg will get smaller. But when we consider our relationship with God, we get to the one domain of wellness that need not deteriorate over time.

Our relationship with God can continue to grow no matter what is happening in the other areas of our lives. We can find God’s presence and love just as invigorating on the day we die as we did on the first day we came to know Him personally. It is that vibrancy and inner joy that only God can give that make for spiritual wellness, and we must pursue them with vigor.

I remember Ned, who died at 50 years of age from a devastating cancer. He had known that death was coming for almost a year. But what a year it was! He chose not to pursue chemotherapy, which surely would have been futile, and opted instead to maintain as much quality of life as he could.

He was absolutely excited about the prospect of seeing Jesus face-to-face, and he shared that excitement with everyone he could. He read his Bible with renewed enthusiasm, knowing that he would soon meet the writers. His prayers often ended with “See you soon!” His faith could hardly have been more robust—an inspiration to all.

Most of us surely want to come to our deaths the same way. The problem is that we rarely experience that sort of vigorous faith if we wait until just before we die to cultivate it. It comes only by living close to God long before that time. The next thing we must do as we are staying well to the glory of God is, like Ned, maintain our spiritual vigor. Where do we start?

Step One: Know God personally. Ron, age 71, was admitted to a hospital’s psychiatric wing because he was severely depressed. It was brought on by his wife’s unexpected announcement that she was divorcing him—after 48 years of marriage. Her reason? While attending a high school reunion, she renewed a romance with a man she had dated in her teens. “I want to marry him,” she explained to her husband: “and in order to do that, I want out of our marriage.”

Hearing this, the dejected, suicidal Ron consulted with a psychiatrist who recommended the hospitalization. While being treated he was asked a rather unusual question. The doctor wanted to know if he had any spiritual resources to help him with his recovery. Ron took to heart what the doctor suggested. After being discharged, he went to church, something he hadn’t done for quite awhile. There he heard that when Jesus said, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life” (John 14:6), He was claiming that people could come to know God personally through Him.

Ron’s experience teaches us that it’s good to turn to God when we are in a crisis. It is tempting to think that if we have neglected God for most of our lives, it’s not appropriate to turn to Him when we are hurting. Yet God’s purpose in bringing us into some of the difficulties we face may be exactly that: to pierce the deluded self-sufficiency we have clung to for so long and draw us to Him. Jesus’ invitation still stands: “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28).

Like Ron, all of us have offended God in many ways and have failed to live up to His divine standards. We have sinned against Him. As a result we deserve His eternal punishment. In His love, however, He allowed His Son, Jesus, to leave His presence and be born into a world that would reject Him. It was God’s plan for Him to die, not for His own faults, for He had none, but in payment for ours. The fact that God raised Him from the dead demonstrated that God accepted Christ’s payment.

Now if we are willing to confess our sins, turn from them, and trust that Jesus’ death was enough to satisfy God’s righteous judgment against us, our sins will be forgiven. Then God, by His Spirit, actually comes to live within us. We begin a personal relationship with Him that will go on for all eternity. That is where spiritual wellness begins.

Step Two: Surrender control. From that point forward, the next step to spiritual wellness is to progressively surrender the control of our lives to God, permitting Him to be our Lord. To do this we need to allow His Spirit to transform our desires and our behavior to conform more to what the Bible teaches. It requires that we turn away from the sins we enjoyed in the past, because we have found something better. As we do, we will learn to recognize the promptings of the Holy Spirit to do what is right.

Surrendering to Christ’s lordship is typically on-again, off-again since we frequently succumb to the temptation to regain control. Our goal should be to progressively turn over more and more control to Him so that by the time we come to the end of life, He is in full control.

Step Three: Pursue God’s glory. Once God’s Spirit lives in us, and as He is increasingly in control, our values and goals will change. We will no longer find our deepest satisfaction and joy in the things of this life. The psalmist invites us to “taste and see that the Lord is good” (Psalm 34:8). We will get a taste of what God is like and conclude: “In your presence there is fullness of joy, at your right hand are pleasures forevermore” (Psalm 16:11).

The greatest treasure we could ever have is God Himself. We will continue to enjoy the wonderful things God has given us in this life but recognize them as His gifts to us and use them to give Him praise. We will also be aware that our time on earth is preparation for our eternal life in His presence. No longer will we experience our greatest thrills when people think well of us, rather, it will be when we can help them think well of God.

The psalmist rightly says: “Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name give glory” (Psalm 115:1). When that happens, our passion will increasingly be to glorify God. True wellness is inseparably related to a passion for God’s glory. Life takes on a far greater meaning because it is not all about us—it is about God; it is not all about the here and now—it is about eternity.

I know of many seniors who have avoided a destructive self-focus. I remember Jean, who at 96 lived in a less-than-ideal nursing home. Her roommate was demented and frequently cried out. Yet Jean was totally focused on the world outside of herself. Not knowing what a computer or word processor was, she daily pulled out her old typewriter and wrote a note of encouragement to a missionary. I would rarely see her when she wasn’t surrounded by the letters she would get in return. She loved to read portions to me.

Here was one dear soul who escaped the tendency of our culture to focus on oneself and the present. She chose to focus on others and on eternity. God was glorified.

Don’t get the wrong idea here. God’s glory can be pursued in many different ways. It is not all about sitting in church and worshipping Him while discounting the enjoyable things in this life. This morning I watched a beautiful sunrise over Lake Michigan and sat wondering why the God who designed such beauty would be willing to enjoy it with me. God was glorified.

When I go out for a run and thank God for the strength He gives me, He is glorified. When my wife, Dorothy, and I are enjoying being with each other and are grateful God brought us together, He is glorified. When patients come to the office for follow-ups and report that they are feeling much better, God is glorified.

Having a personal relationship with God, surrendering control to Him, and pursuing a passion for His glory, serve as the foundation upon which we can build spiritual wellness. If we are wise, by God’s help, we will do so with vigor.

Every now and then I run across a Christ follower who has never really suffered.

Some would call them fortunate.

I don’t.

I call them unprepared.

Those of us who have never been hassled or marginalized for our faith are ill-equipped to face genuine persecution.

I’m reminded of a church member who came to me, crushed after he’d been passed over for a major promotion at work that effectively put a lid on his career.

He was an outspoken Christian. His immediate supervisor was an atheist. He was sure that was the reason he didn’t get promoted.

Through tears he told me he was angry and frustrated with God. He felt that the Lord had let him down. He wondered what good it had done him to follow Jesus for all these years.

I didn’t know what to say. I thought the main reason we follow Jesus is because He’s God and He forgives our sins. I didn’t realize there was a career advancement component as part of the deal.

To make matters worse, he had a prickly personality. From what I’d seen, he didn’t play well in the sandbox. I wasn’t surprised that he didn’t get the promotion.

Now I have to admit that what I did next might not seem very pastoral.

I told him the truth.

I reminded him that he still had a job, a decent one at that. It put food on the table and a roof over his head. In some parts of the world, he wouldn’t even be able to get a job as an outspoken Christian. In some places, his faith could cost him his life.

I suggested that his failure to be promoted might be a spiritual boot camp experience. Maybe it was God’s way of showing him he was too soft, not yet ready for battle. After all, if a lost promotion could put his faith into the ditch, there was no way he was ready to handle the genuine persecution he was so sure was just around the corner.

He immediately fell on his knees and repented. He thanked me profusely for telling him the hard truth he needed to hear. He went home with a new perspective, praising God for the job he had and the many blessings he’d been taking for granted.

And if you believe that, I have some money waiting for you in a Nigerian bank account.

The truth is, he didn’t appreciate my perspective.

He told me I was a lousy counselor.

He was probably right. But I still think I’m a lot more empathetic than a drill sergeant.

As our society and culture become increasingly hostile toward Christianity and Christian values, there are some spiritual qualities that become especially important. There are five in particular we can’t survive without. And God will send us through whatever spiritual boot camp it takes in order to build them into the fabric of our lives and character.

Quality #1: Obedience.

This is the essential trait of discipleship. It’s always important. It’s the one thing that proves we know and love Jesus, and it’s the ultimate goal of the Great Commission.

But it’s especially important in the middle of a firefight. There’s no time for hesitation or discussion when all hell breaks loose. That’s why obedience to the chain of command is one of the first things a new military recruit has to learn. Survival and victory depend on it.

It’s no different in the spiritual realm. Under the onslaught of a spiritual attack, it’s imperative that we obey without pause. When God says, “Jump!” the only appropriate question is “How high?” on the way up.

Now you’d think that kind of obedience would come naturally to us as Christians. After all, we claim that our Lord is King of kings and God of the universe.

But let’s be honest. When the path of obedience doesn’t make sense, appears too costly, or doesn’t seem to be working, we’re quick to blaze our own trail.

It’s easy to obey God when we agree with Him. But that’s not really obedience. We haven’t learned obedience until we do what He says despite our doubts, confusion, or concern that His way won’t work out.

That’s the kind of obedience Solomon had in mind when he exhorted us, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6).

And that kind of obedience doesn’t come naturally. It has to be learned. And it’s only learned in the framework of hardship and suffering, the spiritual boot camp experiences where we learn the key to success is found in trusting God, even when we don’t agree with what He’s up to or wants us to do.

Quality #2: Perspective.

Without perspective, everything gets blown out of proportion. The loss of privilege becomes harsh persecution. Opposition becomes hatred. And every legal or electoral setback becomes cause for anguish and despair. In short, we evaluate and extrapolate without putting God into the equation.

Unfortunately, those who most lack perspective seldom realize it.

Why does a 2-year-old think waiting five minutes is an eternity?

Why does a little league parent scream and yell at an umpire’s bad call?

In each case, it’s a lack of perspective.

The 2-year-old doesn’t understand time. And the little league parent has no idea how insignificant his son’s game will be in a few years—or days—or hours.

But once we truly have perspective, it changes everything. It allows us to see the bigger picture. Consider the amazing lens through which the apostle Paul evaluated the many persecutions he faced. It’s mind-boggling.

Here was a man who endured repeated floggings, beating, assassination attempts, imprisonments, shipwrecks, and a life lived on the run. Yet he came to the point that he viewed them as mere momentary troubles in light of the heavenly glories to come.

So how did he get there?

He got there through the things he suffered. Each trial left him stronger, more certain than before that he could handle the enemy’s best shot. He learned to rely on the strength and power that Jesus provided, and he learned that it was enough to allow him to cope with anything that came his way.

That’s what the backside of hardship and suffering does. It teaches us perspective. It takes the fear out of the things that terrify others. It keeps us calm when everyone else is panicking.

Quality #3: Endurance.

I was a basketball player in high school. At least I thought I was. Though we were a championship team, we didn’t win many games by a large margin. Most of our games were close until the fourth quarter. Then we’d pull away, leaving our opponents in the dust.

Our secret?

Our practices were harder than our games. Much harder.

We didn’t win because we had more talent than other teams. We won because we had more endurance. When other teams were gassed, we still had plenty left in the tank.

Looking back, I guarantee you we wouldn’t have complained nearly as much if we’d understood the rewards our increasing endurance would soon bring. We might have even thanked our coach instead of cursing him under our breath.

It’s much the same in the spiritual realm. Endurance reaps great rewards. But it’s no fun getting there.

Perhaps that’s why Paul and James both made a point to encourage us not to give up when stressed or pushed to our limits. They knew what happens to those who cut bait and run away. They also knew what happens to those who hang on and let endurance finish its work. They knew they end up handling the kinds of trials that break most others.

Quality #4 and #5: Confidence and courage.

Endurance produces the mental toughness we’ve come to call confidence and courage. Any time we overcome something we once feared or dreaded, we walk out with a new level of confidence and courage.

In the athletic world, there’s a reason why a veteran team almost always outperforms an inexperienced team in a big game. It’s the confidence and courage that comes from having been there before. Veterans know that a couple of bad calls, careless turnovers, or even a big deficit can be overcome. They don’t panic. They stick to the game plan, even if it doesn’t seem to be working right away. They know how to win. They have the scars and the trophies to prove it.

In contrast, inexperienced teams tend to wilt at the first sign of trouble. After a couple of miscues, a growing deficit, or a bad break, panic sets in. Their cockiness and hubris disappear, quickly replaced by fear and insecurity. Players sulk, point fingers, or jettison the game plan. In some cases they even turn against each other.

Yet the crushing defeat of an inexperienced team need not be final. In some cases it lays the foundation for future victories. If they curse their luck or fail to take responsibility, they’ll keep on losing. But if they lick their wounds, take a long look in the mirror, and set out to acquire the things they lack, a crushing defeat can become a major step toward future championships.

It’s no different in the spiritual realm. Our failures don’t have to define us. It all depends on how we respond.

Don’t forget that the vast majority of biblical heroes failed spectacularly at one point or another. What set them apart was their refusal to let these failures define them. Instead of becoming angry and disillusioned with God, they repented and turned to God. And once they did, He turned losers into champions.

That’s exactly what God wants to do with us today. No matter what we’ve done or where we find ourselves—and no matter if our scars and failures have been self-inflicted or innocently obtained—He wants to turn us into trophy pieces, displaying the incredible depth and power of His immeasurable grace and mercy.

But in order to do so, He asks us to embrace the boot camp experiences He chooses to send our way. It’s how He builds into us the courage and confidence we’ll need in order to face and win the battle.

Granted, it’s not a lot of fun. At times it’s miserable. But it’s the only way to get there. As the writer of Hebrews said:

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees (Hebrews 12:11-12).

So hang in there. No matter what you’re going through at the moment, God hasn’t forgotten you. He has a master plan. He may well be preparing you for hardship in a hostile culture. And if He is, it’s not so that you can survive.

It’s so that you can thrive.

Click here to read part one of “A Workout for the Spiritual Body.”

Years ago I saw an advertisement showing a young man with the washboard stomach, with glistening muscles rippling as he pumps his Solaflex machine—with its haunting reminder: “No pain, no gain.”

The same is true spiritually speaking, isn’t it? We want the faith of Moses, but we’d rather avoid the process of a 40-year visit to the wilderness so God can humble us.

We want David’s heart for God, but we don’t want blisters from shoveling smelly sheep manure. We want the glory of the spotlight, the prestige of the position.

And who wouldn’t want to have the spiritual impact of Paul? He shaped the first century church. He journeyed to other countries, preached to massive crowds, entrusted his life to men like Timothy—we’re talking gain, real gain. But we’re also talking pain—major league pain. Among other things:

Paul did time in prison.
He was beaten near death “many times.”
Five times the Jews gave him 39 lashes with a whip.
He was stoned once, and beaten with rods three times.
He spent a night and a day in the sea.
Many times he was without food, water, and clothing (2 Corinthians 11:23-27).

More agony. More pain. But more gain.

Let’s take a few moments and visit two more weight lifting stations that will stretch your faith and increase your endurance.

Do you have “guts”?

One of the largest muscle groups in the body is the stomach. In spiritual terms, your stomach is the place where courage resides. Courage to make tough decisions—hard choices. It is said of a courageous person, “He has guts.”

But our society is guilty of flab in the waistline. We don’t want pain—we want comfort—thus the loss of tone and a resulting bulge from our failure to be bold.

Christians who lack “guts” sacrifice truth on the altar of love. Many lack the tough love to fearlessly confront a family member caught in the web of an addiction. They have a soft view of love, because they fear conflict, rejection, or loss of emotional comfort.

So they don’t broach painful subjects with those we love the most. Or, if they do, they sit on the sidelines throwing stones and second-guessing those who care enough to confront.

Actually, gutless believers are selfish—unwilling to be hurt to see another healed. Paul wrote to Timothy, “God does not give us a spirit that makes us afraid. He gave us a spirit of power and love and self-control” (2 Timothy 1:7).

Flexing your faith muscles

Is there a situation in your life right now where you need to flex your faith in your stomach area? A tough decision? A heroic admission to a friend of some secret sin? An undaunted, loving confrontation with a loved one who is in a downward spiral spiritually?

Go against the tension and exercise your spiritual guts.

Now on to the next station—a spiritual treadmill to exercise our legs. This machine is designed to increase our endurance.

These days I try to run three miles at least three times each week. But when I started on my 40th birthday I could barely run downhill for one mile. I had to endure a lot of pain to get up to my present level.

The same is true spiritually. If I don’t go ahead and face the pain now, I’m left with the inevitable reality of having to face it again and again until I embrace the circumstances, learn the lesson, and gain the stamina. I can’t help but wonder how many times I’ve had to learn the same lesson, simply because I was unwilling to face the “painful” truth of what God was saying to me.

God gives our legs hills so that we can grow stronger. The prophet Isaiah gives us the secret where strong legs come from: “Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary” (Isaiah 40:41).

It is a blessing to endure

One last point about this treadmill: The older you get, the steeper the incline becomes. Sound like bad news? It really isn’t. Who wouldn’t like to think that they had finally arrived?

But if I understand the Scripture, the longer we live, the more we have to die. The more you want to grow, the more you and I must say “no” to self and “yes” to Christ.

I must confess that the more I grow the more in touch I become with how sinful I really am. As the angle of the incline of the treadmill becomes steeper, I see more and more that my only hope is in God and His grace. Paul said it well, “But God’s grace has made me what I am…” (1 Corinthians 15:10).

Now there’s some hope for tired muscles. Suffering is used by God to conform our character to the likeness of His Son—to “train us in righteousness” (Hebrews 12:11).

As you “pump the iron” of difficult circumstances, perseverance under trial will occur. Look at this promise of how the pain will result in gain: “Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life…” (James 1:12).

The truth of “no pain, no gain” is summarized succinctly in the following essay sent to me by a friend and written by one of my favorite authors, Max Lucado.

When a potter bakes a pot, he checks its solidity by pulling it out of the oven and thumping it. If it “sings,” it’s ready. If it “thuds,” it’s placed back in the oven.

The character of a person is also checked by thumping.

Been thumped lately?

Late-night phone calls. Grouchy teacher. Grumpy moms. Burnt meals. Flat tires. “You’ve-got-to-be-kidding” deadlines. Those are thumps. Thumps are those irritating inconveniences that trigger the worst in us. They catch us off guard. Flat-footed. They aren’t big enough to be crises, but if you get enough of them, watch out! Traffic jams. Long lines. Empty mailboxes. Dirty clothes on the floor. Even as I write this I’m being thumped. Because of interruptions, it has taken me almost two hours to write these two paragraphs. Thump. Thump. Thump.

Jesus said that out of the nature of the heart a man speaks (Luke 6:45). There’s nothing like a good thump to reveal the nature of a heart. The true character of a person is seen not in momentary heroics, but in the thump-packed humdrum of day-to-day living.

How do I respond? Do I sing? Or do I thud?

If you have a tendency to thud more than you sing, take heart. There is hope for us “thudders.”

1) Begin by thanking God for thumps. I don’t mean a half-hearted thank you. I mean a “rejoicing, jumping-for-joy” thank you from the bottom of your heart (James 1:2). Chances are that God is doing the thumping. And He’s doing it for your own good. So every thump is a reminder that God is molding you (Hebrews 12:8).

2) Learn from each thump; Face up to the fact that you are not “thump-proof.” You are going to be tested from now on. Might as well learn from the thumps; you can’t avoid them. Look upon each inconvenience as an opportunity to develop patience and persistence. Each thump will help you or hurt you, depending on how you use it.

3) Be aware of “thump-slump” times. Know your pressure periods. For me, Mondays are infamous for causing thump-slumps. Fridays can be just as bad. For all of us there are times during the week that we can anticipate an unusual amount of thumping. The best way to handle thump-slump times? Head on. Bolster yourself with extra prayer and don’t give up.

Remember, no thump is disastrous. All thumps work for good if we are loving and obeying God.

Been thumped recently? Remember where there’s “no pain,” there’s “no gain.” By the way, this spiritual workout center does exist—it’s the local church. Been missing your workouts recently?

I remember the year I joined a workout club in an effort to shed some unwanted pounds. When I arrived for the first time, I stood in the doorway of a workout room, looking at all these slim and trim, toned and tuned hardbodies. My greatest fear was that they would all look up at me simultaneously and fall to the floor, laughing hysterically.

After enduring the humiliation of walking to the dressing room and getting into my sweat suit (I wish I had arrived already dressed), I noticed two things. The room was full of all sorts of weight machines designed to strengthen different muscle groups throughout the body. Second, I couldn’t help but notice the mirrors. They were everywhere. I felt like I was in some sort of narcissistic cathedral. People throughout the room stared at their bodies, but I ignored the mirrors—I already knew what I looked like.

As I began to move from station to station, using muscles that must have wondered what prompted their agonizing, abrupt promotion from hibernation, a Scripture began to pound in my ears:

… discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness; for bodily discipline is only of little profit, but godliness is profitable for all things, since it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come (1 Timothy 4:7b-8; NASB).

The word “profitable” is used in this passage to contrast “gain” in two worlds—the physical and the spiritual. The perishable and imperishable. As I began to perspire I thought about my own perishing muscles and the truth of that Scripture.

We need a spiritual workout center

Here I was, moving from machine to machine, an out-of-shape, plump glob of mid-life molecules, surrounded by the “saints of Muscledonia.” But I couldn’t help pondering how, after decades of attempting to obey God and walk with Him, the spiritual conditioning was paying off in my life. No, I didn’t envision myself as some kind of spiritual hunk or hardbody, but I did think about the growth (by the grace of God) that has occurred—what I’ve learned about loving people, developing a blueprint for handling life’s struggles, creating peace and harmony (for the most part) at home, and, most importantly, learning to trust God.

Then it hit me: What you and I in the Christian community need is a spiritual workout center—a sort of spiritual weight machine with different stations to strengthen our faith “muscles.” A place to work out our spiritual soreness, a place to flex and tone our unused muscles of the faith, a place where Christians could go to be built up and not torn down. A place to go to see others who over a lifetime have faithfully worked out and applied the spiritual disciplines.

As I left those muscle toning machines and ran out the door to go jogging, I began to design my Spiritual Faith-Building Center. I began to think about the individual stations where certain muscles of the faith would be stretched and flexed. I need my own faith-muscles toned and tuned as I faced a new year—more and more stamina is demanded with each passing year. As you read through these, why not select a couple of these areas and do some of your own biblical exercises?

The tongue

My first station in this spiritual workout would be a machine that produces little sweat, but incredible results. This machine would help bridle the tongue. Posted above this faith-building spot would be the following verse:

If any one thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue, but deceives his own heart, this man’s religion is worthless (James 1:26).

Bridled by the Bible, a muscle-toned tongue would be appropriate for those who share gossip in the form of “prayer requests.” By controlling this muscle, one could refrain from critical, harsh, or angry words. This would be an excellent machine for Christians whose slimy slab of mucous membrane is used to telling off-color jokes. And for any saint who hasn’t yet swept clean his vocabulary.

Sets of exercises could be developed to train the tongue to form words of appreciation, praise, and encouragement for those who do the laundry, clean house, do yard work, manage the money in the household—and for those who meet the needs of a growing family. Also a special exercise would ingrain in the tongue the ability to give thanks in all things—something that’s not easy even for the most muscle-bound saint (so I’ve been told).

The eyes

Since we’re working on the face, let’s visit a station that addresses the faith-muscles of the eyes. Above this machine would be pictures of some biblical heroes whose lives were ruined when they lost control of their eye muscles. Samson and David were both deceived when they allowed their eyes to gaze too long upon the opposite sex. Special workouts would be designed to train men to look just once at a woman, and then turn his eyes in another direction if necessary.

Eyes that are lured into selfish, materialistic traps when shopping and browsing through catalogues would also receive special exercises. Also, eyes that tend to be discontent with what they have (job, home, and wealth)—eyes that tend to roam every couple of years—would receive special glasses to correct short-sightedness, until the faith-muscle of contentment can be built up (1 Timothy 6:6).

The neck

I would also have a machine that works on the spiritual muscles of the neck. It would increase flexibility in those who have become “stiff-necked”—especially those who are too proud to admit mistakes, too stubborn to ask for forgiveness, or too arrogant to admit they need to depend upon God.

This exercise would demand a person be on his knees and neck bent downward in prayer. Prayerlessness is usually a sign of stiff neck muscles. But prayer loosens muscles that are tied in knots by worry, pressure, or long hours of hard work.

A special softening of the neck muscles with certain scriptures would be necessary to work the kinks out of the neck area:

“God is opposed to the proud, but He gives grace to the humble” (James 4:6).

“You scold proud people. Those who ignore your commands are cursed” (Psalm 119:21).

“Proud looks, proud thoughts, and evil actions are sin” (Proverbs 21:4).

“Humble yourself, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time” (1 Peter 5:6).

Teachability toward God and others would increase as the muscles of humility began to be developed in the neck area. As one became more willing to hear the truth, admit failures, and take responsibility for wrong actions, a genuine joy would begin to move from the neck to the face.

Sweating yet? Any increase in your heart-for-God rate? Out of breath? Sore? Like any good workout, it wouldn’t be good to overdo it the first time out.

Read part two of “A Workout for the Spiritual Body.”

Many years ago (when Barbara and I had six children fourteen and under) I wrote the following piece about complaining. We must have had an epidemic then of whining and bellyaching around our house.

Dear Friend,

I want to complain about complaining. I want to gripe about grumbling, grouchiness, faultfinding, and whining. My dad used to call it “bellyaching.”

Do you ever get annoyed with complaining around your house? I do. I mean, the stuff we grumble about is really big time, major league circumstances. We gripe about who gets to sit where at the dinner table. (We now assign seats.) We grumble about chores, especially who cleans up after dinner.

We get grumpy over socks that never match, toilets that are never flushed, toys that populate the floor, and tubs that are littered with an assortment of dolls, boats, bottles, and melting bars of soap. Kids gripe if they see another child getting an advantage or an unfair gain. I murmur when my car gets trashed out by a herd of French-fry eating youngsters, and grumble when it seems we’re seldom on time when our family goes anywhere.

It became so bad about a year ago, that we all memorized Philippians 2:14, “Do all things without grumbling or disputing.” That helped.

Like sulfuric acid, complaining can eat away at whatever it splashes on. Complaining corrodes joy and dissolves good attitudes. Spiritually, it’s dangerous and deadly.

I wonder what we would find if we performed open‑heart surgery on a complainer. Exploratory surgery would reveal that grumbling can be a form of heart disease, rebellion against authority. It also shows a loss of perspective, a failure to remember Who is in control. It’s an attitude that questions, “Does God really know what’s best for me?”

Griping and complaining are vocal amplifiers of one’s heart attitude. God wants us to see Him in the midst of our circumstances, to trust Him even when we do not see the outcome.

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. — Harriet Beecher Stowe

Billy Graham has preached in person to more human beings, an estimated two hundred million, than anyone in history. Few public figures of the past century, even Churchill or Roosevelt, hold more respect. In fact, in the annual Gallup Poll of “America’s Most Admired Men,” the name of Billy Graham has appeared in the top ten a record forty-nine times, including a record forty-two consecutive years.

Would it surprise you, then, to know that the man who has held the world’s ear and counseled every American president since Dwight D. Eisenhower has regrets about his life? In his autobiography, Just as I Am, Mr. Graham confesses that while he took on the whole world, he lost something at home:

This is a difficult subject for me to write about, but over the years, the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association and the Team became my second family without my realizing it. Ruth says those of us who were off traveling missed the best part of our lives—enjoying the children as they grew. She is probably right. I was too busy preaching all over the world.

Only Ruth and the children can tell what those extended times of separation meant to them. For myself, as I look back, I now know that I came through those years much the poorer both psychologically and emotionally. I missed so much by not being home to see the children grow and develop.

For decades, Nelson Mandela was the iconic leader of resistance for South African blacks under the system of race segregation known as apartheid, and behind his sacrifice, an entire people rallied for liberty. But in 1992, not long after he was released from twenty years behind bars on Robben Island, and before a horde of reporters in Johannesburg, Mandela grew surprisingly candid about his most profound loss. “It seems to be the destiny of freedom fighters to have unstable personal lives,” he said. “When your life is the struggle, as mine was, there is little room left for family. That has always been my greatest regret, and the most painful aspect of the choice I made.”

At the wedding of his daughter Zindzi, Mandela agonized afresh. “We watched our children growing without our guidance. When I did come out of prison, my children said, ‘We thought we had a father and one day he’d come back. But to our dismay, our father came back and he left us alone because he has now become the father of the nation.'”

The tormented father wrote in his autobiography Long Walk to Freedom, “To be the father of a nation is a great honor, but to be the father of a family is a greater joy. But it was a joy I had far too little of.”

A personal resolution

Those of us off the world stage live no less in the shadow of things undone: prime hours spent on the road or in the office, marriage to the “wrong” person, fitness and health gone to seed, money gone before the spending ended, children gone before we knew them.

Even in high school, I could see that while a person can live only a day at a time, life tallies and one day presents us with the sum of our actions. Clearly my father’s early death shaped my thoughts here. With that in mind, I began to notice when someone around me tried to reverse a harmful habit or lifestyle: the open-heart surgery survivor counting cholesterol, the newly divorced father leaving work early for restricted time with his kids. And it made sense to me, though I was only in high school, that if a young man were aware of adults’ most common regrets, he might try to avoid them.

Don’t think that I began right away. My father died at the start of my senior year of high school—not a natural point for a kid to begin preventive health measures. And for the next eight or ten years, I didn’t (other than switching from whole milk to skim). If something on a dish looked good, I ate it. Except for four years of college football, I coasted on nature’s gift to youth. Post-college, I took a few extra pounds in stride. Post-marriage, I made room for a few more. By age twenty-eight, the few-here-few-there increase on the scales was thirty pounds over my college placekicker weight.

The real kicker was my trip to see Dr. Kenneth Cooper at his famous clinic in Dallas. Dr. Cooper is the father of the modern aerobics movement. He knows a little about heart disease. After my body was measured, scanned, and analyzed, I had sufficient incentive to commit to a life of low-fat foods and regular exercise, routines I have kept, so far, for nearly two decades.

In my thirties, my deliberate attempt to reduce deathbed regrets expanded to include my family. By now I was a young man heading my own company, traveling too much, especially given the ages of my children. So at age thirty-eight, I resolved that by age forty, I would cut my business travel in half. To seal my resolve, I announced the plan to my wife.

This resolution proved a little tougher. My work was taking me around the world to people and events that, in many cases, were history-making. Client assignments had taken me to South Africa, Sudan, England, Scotland, Germany, Peru, Australia, The Netherlands, Bosnia, India, and all across the U.S. But while that schedule impressed many people, my children were not among them. Moreover, if my status with Delta Airlines threatened my status at home, I knew what had to give.

So in the coming months, I began to say no to certain clients and new business opportunities. And it got easier. And the business survived. In the interest of full and frank disclosure, while my travel may not have downsized a full 50 percent, it did shrink dramatically—and I considerably increased ordinary, routine, normal-living time with my wife and children.

Every day is gone forever

At this point you may be thinking that few employees can choose to decline travel assignments, and you would be right. But the fact remains that too many entrepreneurs and executives can trim their schedules and they choose not to. I spoke once to a young, Important Man who traveled widely to Important Places but could not remember what grade in school his daughter was enrolled in.

Billy Graham confessed, “Every day I was absent from my family is gone forever. Although much of that travel was necessary, some of it was not.”

Something about the American work schedule is not outright anti-family but perilously close to being un-family—we work as if our spouse and children are what we do on those few occasions when professional pursuits subside.

Meanwhile, a world-renowned achiever regrets every day absent from family is gone forever. Ultimately, we are what we do every day. What defines us is not one large good intention to be a good person, or parent—it’s a hundred thousand ongoing choices of every size that arise when we’re tired, satisfied, distracted, full of ourselves, threatened, happy, reactionary, sentimental, hurried, bored …

We’re not talking about New Year’s resolutions here; we’re talking about every person’s option, sooner or later, to live deliberately. Every week, it seems, I hear another personal story of a marriage too early or to the “wrong” person, personal bankruptcy, a destructive affair, blinding stress, tobacco-related lung cancer or emphysema, a child lost to alcohol or drug abuse, obesity complications … as many variations as there are people with prime years to waste.

The ticking clock intimidates us, even frightens us; but while time is unforgiving, God is not. What lies behind us is gone and consequences are inevitable; but God is in the business of redemption and we can still give him the years we have. Perhaps pride is the biggest hurdle because busyness holds some sense of self-importance.

In November of 2006, I was saddened to watch the events unfold in Colorado Springs, where Pastor Ted Haggard was dismissed by his church after admitting to a lifelong struggle with sexual immorality. Haggard was also president of the National Association of Evangelicals and one of the leading Christian voices in the country.

But I also admit that I was not surprised to hear of another leader taking a moral fall. Over the years I have seen a number of men and women in the ministry “bomb out” due to sexual sin, addictions, materialism, bitterness, or carnality. As I read and heard about these Christians, I noticed a recurring pattern: They were all isolated. They had created for themselves walls of unapproachable invulnerability.

The enemy knows that if he can isolate a man, he can convince him of almost anything.

For whatever reason, they failed to submit their lives to the scrutiny and advice of others and thereby forfeited the opportunity to be held accountable. Now they have forfeited, for the most part, the privilege of public ministry in others’ lives.

Accountability is a scriptural principle that tells us to ” … be subject to one another in the fear of Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). This means I choose to submit my life to the scrutiny of another person in order to gain spiritual strength, growth, and balance.

People don’t like the phrase “be subject to one another” these days. The independent, “give me my rights” spirit in America conflicts with the thought of being subject to other people.

But accountability helps you in so many ways. For one thing, it helps protect you—from isolation, from pride, from sin, from giving into temptation and weakness. One of the best ways I know to protect you from those weaknesses is to let someone know about them and ask that person to keep you accountable.

Why accountability is hard for men

As I have watched so many men fall prey to temptation and sexual immorality, I have purposed to lead a lifestyle of accountability. I certainly have much to learn on the subject, but I have resolved to be teachable, approachable, and most importantly, willing to hear what Barbara wants to say to me. The Apostle Paul’s words spurred me on: “I run in such a way, as not without aim; I box in such a way, as not beating the air; but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified” (1 Corinthians 9:26-27).

True accountability involves letting another person into the interior of your life. You have the choice to submit to another human being for perspective, advice or even to be taken to task on something. Solomon says a wise man welcomes a helpful rebuke (Proverbs 13:1). Each of us must choose to whom he or she can be accountable. In some cases it might be a good friend of the same sex.

Accountability in your marriage

If you can find a friend to help you with accountability, it can make a real difference. But you already have one friend to whom you should automatically be accountable—your spouse. I would strongly encourage you to start with him or her.

Some couples challenge me on this subject, saying that becoming accountable to one another would be like playing policeman, but I believe exactly the opposite is true.

Accountability gives each marriage partner freedom and access to the other. Accountability means asking the other person for advice. It means giving the other person the freedom to make honest observations and evaluations about you. It means we’re teachable and approachable. We both need to be accountable to the other because each partner is fallible and quite capable of using faulty judgment.

As you and your mate face continuing pressures and stress in life, it’s best to handle life in duet, not solo. As the preacher said, “Two are better than one … for if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10). Two can always see more clearly than one. Your mate can detect blind spots that you are missing. Accountability promotes healthy oneness as you interact and depend on each other.

Here are some areas where Barbara and I practice accountability in our marriage:

1. Schedules.

We try to help each other make good decisions by monitoring each other’s workload and schedule. Making good decisions simply means saying yes to some things and no to others.

When somebody gets me on the phone and invites me to speak somewhere, it is hard for me to say no. One thing that has really helped me, however, is that I tell the caller, “I can’t give you an answer now. My wife and I have agreed that I don’t take any speaking engagements without talking with her.” And so we do talk about it, and usually the answer is no. I already have more speaking engagements than I can handle.

Recently Barbara has struggled with keeping her schedule at a reasonable pace. She is no longer allowing others to dictate what she does because she uses me as her partner to help her say “no” too.

2. Money and values.

Barbara and I constantly compare and check our personal values. What is really important to each of us? Why are we doing what we are doing? Where do we dare not lose?

You may have heard the story of the two thieves who broke into a department store. They didn’t steal anything, but they spent hours switching the price tags on almost every item in the store. The next morning, the store opened and business went on as usual for four hours before anyone noticed. Customers were buying $500 cameras for $4.95, $1200 outboard motors for $15.95!

This story sounds incredible, but it actually happened. And in a way, the same thing is still happening today in Christian families. An enemy has broken in and switched our price tags. Many couples decide that pursuit of goals, plans, money, career advancement, and pleasure are all more valuable than building oneness in marriage and rock-solid relationships with their children. They say they value their families above everything else, but their actions reveal that their real priorities lie elsewhere.

3. Fidelity.

Some years ago I led a Bible study that included several new Christians. During those studies, Barbara began to sense that one of the men was increasingly friendly toward her. At first she thought she was imagining things. She was embarrassed, so she kept it to herself. It seemed absurd to her that this happily married husband and father could be interested in her.

But as the weekly sessions went on, the man continued to be extra friendly, and Barbara began to feel more and more uncomfortable. When she finally confided in me, I could see unmistakable relief spread across her face. What had been a secret she had been carrying alone quickly evaporated as we discussed her feelings together. Fortunately, Barbara’s admirer never tried going beyond being friendly, and when the Bible study ended, he went his own way.

Looking back on that incident, we see that it was a test for both of us regarding accountability. Would Barbara tell me what she thought was happening? Would I respond in jealous anger and suspicion, or with understanding and acceptance? Fortunately, both of us did the right thing and it reaffirmed our commitment to each other as we stood together against a potential threat to our marriage.

As a man I have experienced periods of time when I struggle with lust. I do not believe it is a sin to be tempted. It is a sin when we act on our desires. When it comes to being tempted by lust, a fleeting thought or glimpse must be dealt with immediately. One of the conversations that Barbara and I have had on more than one occasion is one when I confess to her that I am struggling in this area and I need her prayers. It’s healthy for me and a tribute to my wife that she is not threatened by my honesty and is willing to be that kind of encouragement and accountability partner for me.

Finding an accountability partner

While your mate should be your primary accountability partner, there is also great benefit in getting “sharpened” by other godly Christians. If you want to see some significant growth in your spiritual maturity this may be the most important step you could take.

I have four suggestions:

First, determine your needs. What are the two or three things which seem to entangle you more than anything else? Is it finances? Lustful thoughts? Overeating? Not spending enough time with the Lord?

Second, select a mature Christian—of the same sex—who would have the courage to speak the truth and ask you tough questions. This should not be someone who would fear your rejection, or someone who has a weakness in the same area, or someone you feel you can manipulate or control. This is especially important if you are strong-willed or have a powerful personality.

Third, approach this person and ask him to keep you accountable. Tell him that you want to give him access to your life. Here is what you might say: “Bill, I have got a problem and I really need your help in an area of my life. I need for you to love me through this and hold my feet to the fire, but not be judgmental. Because, Bill, I really need to get victory over this.”

Finally, meet with this person on a regular basis to set measurable goals and to allow him to ask you how you’re doing. Agree to a list of questions he will ask you. “Frank, have you written out a budget yet?” “Why not?” “When will you do it?” And here’s a powerful one: “Have you lied to me at all today?”

If you’re trying to mature in Christ and gain victory over sin by yourself, you’re missing it! I give thanks to God that He has given us the Christian community … to strengthen us, encourage us, and help us run our race to win!

I’ve been smelling “lion’s breath” recently. How about you? Have you ever gotten so close that you gagged at its odious smell?

“Where have I been?” you ask.

Lion country safari?

Kenya? Sudan? South Africa?

A zoo?

Or did our children get a pet lion?

No—none of these.

So where have I been that I drew close enough to learn that lions have halitosis? Well, let’s just say that I’ve been in “lion country.”

Pastor, author and lecturer, A. W. Tozer made numerous visits there—in fact, he may have lived in lion country. After a particularly difficult time in his ministry, Tozer noted the following:

But I will tell you something—it is a delightful thing when you know that you are close enough to the adversary that you can hear him roar! Too many Christians never get into “lion country” at all!

After pondering Tozer’s observation for a bit, I concluded we not only should, but absolutely must take delight as we charge off into lion country. I’ve learned spiritual conflict means we’re about to do something worthwhile—something that will last for eternity.

The spiritual safari

What about you? Have you taken a “spiritual safari” into lion country? Do you know where it is?

“Lion country” is territory controlled by the devil. It is the daily domain of the ruler of this world. The Apostle John comments on the whereabouts of lion country, “We know that we are of God and the whole world is in the power of the evil one” (1 John 5:19).

Because God has given Satan permission to rule on earth, a struggle for power and dominion has resulted. Yet many Christians are unaware that enemy territory even exists. Peter warns, “Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8).

Lions in Africa prey on weak, unsuspecting animals, and those struggling behind the protection of the herd. Likewise, the devil “prowls about seeking” to deceive (devour) those with weak convictions and naive beliefs. Christians who refuse to submit to the accountability of other believers in the local church find themselves isolated and defenseless—delicious prey for the crafty deceptor.

How does a lion devour its prey? One bite at a time. I wonder at times if twentieth century Christians have been mesmerized by prosperity and busy schedules while the enemy has already chewed off three quarters of their leg!

However, instead of being prey, Christians must be aggressive soldiers recapturing the land for Christ. The goal of our battle is to confine the enemy to limited spheres of influence—just as the lions of Africa are limited to the confines of game preserves. When Christ returns, He will lock up the enemy forever (Revelation 20).

Learning to invade

So why all the fuss about “lion country?”

Far too many Christians are being fooled by the enemy. They have been deceived into thinking that “run of the mill” Christianity is all there is. Dabbling in spiritual things, they play church. Jesus Christ may be a part of their lives, but He isn’t their life.

I know, I’ve been there—for more than 14 years I was the prey of the enemy. I thought I knew what was best for me. I ran the show—God was only there as an emergency Savior—just when I was in a crisis and needed Him.

But there’s more to Christianity than that. Armed with the greatest truth the world has ever heard, the Gospel, we fearfully retreat to our “spiritual bunkers” and wait for an unsaved world to come to us. Instead of invading, we disengage and play it safe.

Successful invaders are risk takers—they are men and women of faith and action. The victory will go to those who are willing to move their faith eighteen inches from their head to their heart. Victory belongs to the one who starts the race and, with God’s grace, finishes it.

Many Christians, however, seem to prefer comfort to conflict. Peace and quiet become the norm.

I once read a book about Winston Churchill. He believed the battlefield is the place where great issues are resolved. And I believe that the great issues of our day will never be decided sipping lemonade in a hammock, but rather through well equipped Christians invading lion country. Just as Churchill refused to negotiate until the adversary had capitulated, neither can we afford to give into temptation or compromise.

Yes, lion country is a dangerous challenge to be taken seriously. The evil one hates God and is a serious enemy of our soul. We must arm ourselves for battle (Ephesians 6:10-20).

You can tell if you’re in lion country. Heard any roaring lions lately? Get on with it—the greatest thrill in your life will come in knowing you’re encroaching on the enemy’s territory.

Five tips for lion hunters

In closing, I’d like to give you five tips from the Scripture for “lion country”:

Stand firm—we have God’s assurance that we won’t lose the war. You have absolutely nothing of which to be afraid (Ephesians 6).
Let God’s Word be your guide through lion country. And don’t wait until you get lost in lion country to start studying the Scriptures—now is the time to prepare to do battle (Ephesians 6).
Pray always and give thanks frequently. Praise is one of the most powerful weapons a Christian has in spiritual battle—have you truly praised God for your battle (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)?
Know that no temptation is to be taken lightly—sin is deadly. Flee immorality. Tell the truth. Speak kindly one to another (2 Timothy 2).
Walk by faith, not by feelings and not by what you can see. God’s Word and His promises are either 100 percent true or they are not true at all. Since His Word is true, your faith is the difference. Grab hold of His Word and step out (2 Corinthians 5:7).

C. T. Studd, the great missionary to China, understood the challenge well. He wrote, “Some people want to live within the sound of chapel bells, but I want to run a mission a yard from the gate of hell.”

That’s pretty radical stuff isn’t it? But do you want to be comfortable, or do you want to be Christ-like? If you want to be like Christ, then why are you wondering why you have been hearing the footsteps of lions recently?

The battle has been tough recently, but I wouldn’t trade lion country for the safety of compromise, peace, and comfort at any price.

What about you?

People. Creatures of habit. Too many of us live like the sign on the rugged Alaskan Highway:

CHOOSE YOUR RUT CAREFULLY … YOU’LL BE IN IT FOR THE NEXT 200 MILES.

Let’s admit it. We like ruts … especially comfortable ones. It has been said that a rut is nothing more than a grave with both ends knocked out. Predictable and familiar, ruts offer us security. Like a numbing narcotic, however, we waste a lot of our lives “drugged” in ruts.

Children resist ruts. As I attempt to raise five, I’m challenged by their probing questions. I’m told a child asks at least 1/4 million questions growing up. No wonder they learn so rapidly … and stay out of ruts.

Adults don’t question enough. Daily we climb on the merry-go-round of life and ritualistically get off—dizzy. Too fuzzy in our thinking to ask any profound questions, we continue searching for happiness and significance in the wrong places. Out of our insecurities we accelerate the pace of our lives with little regard for direction or destiny. As one man put it, “Most live a lifetime looking for the pot at the end of the rainbow; only to find a pot of salty liver soup.”

A lesson from Solomon

In Ecclesiastes, Solomon challenges us to ponder and consider the ruts in our life. He challenges us to think about where life is found. To stop, get out of the ruts, and ponder where we are going … to think.

In chapters one and two of Ecclesiastes, Solomon reflects on his own life and where he has sought satisfaction … in knowledge and intelligence 1:12-18, … pleasure 2:1-3, … in a strong work ethic 2:4, … in hobbies 2:5-6, … sessions and things 2:7-8, … and in position in life 2:9.

For the most part, Solomon’s conclusion has shouted an unheeded warning through the centuries … “All is vanity when you leave God out.”

What a conclusion to come to at the end of his life: a wasted life in a quest for happiness trying to quench the unrelenting thirst for significance and meaning in life.

Like a shaft of light breaking into Solomon’s dark prison of despair come his words in 2:12, “So I turned to consider wisdom …”

In a word, Solomon stopped pursuing and started thinking. He thought about life through God’s eyes.

Right thinking

Today we don’t like to think. It’s too hard. There aren’t enough immediate results there. We don’t know how. We don’t have time. Quiet, reflective silence is as endangered as the bald eagle. In fact, historian Carl Sandberg wrote, “One of the greatest necessities in America is to discover creative solitude.”

We can live for a few minutes without air, for a few days without water, for a couple of months without food, and for a lifetime without an original thought.

Like Solomon, I’m learning the lost art of thinking … of thinking right about life. Do you want to know some of the questions I’m mentally wrestling with right now?

What do I really believe?
Why am I doing what I do?
What drives me?
What really has brought satisfaction to my life?
What creates pressure in my life? What does God want me to do about it? Is it right?
What really is valuable in life?
Does my schedule reflect my ultimate values?
How will my present lifestyle affect my family in 20 years?
What does God want me to do with my life, family, and possessions?

I’m learning that thinking is gritty, lonesome work if God isn’t at the center. He has encouraged me that He is still in the business of creating new original thoughts, life-changing ideas … innovations that will redirect our families and shape the destiny of our homes. I’m learning that real thinking is a pioneering work.

I want to complain about complaining. I want to gripe about grumbling, grouchiness, fault-finding, and whining. My dad used to call it “belly-aching.”

If you have children at home, do you ever get annoyed with complaining around the house? I know I did. I mean the stuff we grumbled about were really big-time, major-league circumstances. We griped about who got to sit where at the dinner table. We grumbled about chores—especially who cleaned up after dinner. We got grumpy over socks that never matched, toilets that were never flushed, toys that populated the floor, and tubs that were littered with assorted dolls, boats, bottles, and melting bars of soap. Kids griped if they saw another child getting an advantage or an “unfair” gain. I murmured when my car got trashed out by a herd of French-fry-eating youngsters and grumbled when we were seldom on time when our family went anywhere!

It became so bad one year that we memorized Philippians 2:14, “Do all things without grumbling or disputing.” That helped … for a while.

Like sulfuric acid, complaining can eat away at whatever it splashes on. Complaining corrodes joy and dissolves good attitudes. Spiritually, it’s dangerous and deadly, as we will see.

The Bible speaks of complaining in picturesque language. The Hebrew word for complain, ana, means “to sigh habitually.” When we complain, or “sigh,” it’s like letting the air out of a tire—we can even stop all forward progress if enough “air” escapes.

In the New Testament the Greek word memps means “finding fault with one’s lot.” Do you ever feel that your circumstances just aren’t fair? Do you ever find fault with what God is doing in your life?

A lesson from the Israelites

If you have a problem with grumbling then you’re not alone. The Old Testament book of Numbers could easily be renamed The Grumbler Chronicles. The children of Israel grumbled against Moses, Aaron, and God. They didn’t like manna—so they complained—”manna for breakfast—manna for lunch—manna for dinner! Is this all we get—this—manna???” So God gave them quail. They had quail boiled and broiled, quail a la cactus, quail nuggets, and probably even McQuail burgers—until they were sick of it. Can you empathize with them? We who live in America are used to an almost limitless variety of culinary delights. So what if they griped a little? A little complaining is understandable, isn’t it?

But the complaints of the children of Israel weren’t trivial, and God didn’t view them lightly. Why? They were complaining about the provision and the will of God. His daily supernatural provision and guidance was criticized and rejected by ungrateful human beings.

I wonder what we would find if we could do a little open-heart surgery on a complainer. Exploratory surgery will reveal that grumbling can be a form of heart disease—”rebellion against authority” (see Job 23:2). At other times, complaining is a loss of perspective—a failure to remember Who is in control. An attitude that wonders, Does God really know what’s best for me? Jude 16 tells us that complaining germinates in a selfish heart, “These are grumblers, finding fault, following after their own lusts …” But generally it’s a person who is dissatisfied with his lot in life—the circumstances God has allowed to come his way. The Israelites’ grumbling was only symptomatic of a far more fatal disease—unbelief—a lack of faith that God knew what He was doing.

What’s God’s prescription for this heart problem? Let’s look at how He responded in Numbers 11:1—”Now the people became like those who complain of adversity in the hearing of the Lord; and when the Lord heard it, His anger was kindled, and the fire of the Lord burned among them and consumed some of the outskirts of the camp.” He judged the sin in their midst. Later, the earth gobbled up a couple of hundred, fire turned another group into cinders, and poisonous serpents killed thousands—all because of their complaining.

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The solution

1. Realize that complaining is dangerous. Recently, there have been a number of Christian leaders falling into immorality, and I have wondered how many more Christians have been declared “unusable” by God because of their complaining? We know the enemy of our souls doesn’t want us to fulfill God’s intended purpose for our lives. If he can’t derail me, or you, because of lust or immorality in our private lives, then the cunning devil of hell will seek a different bait for his trap. For many of us that snare is the temptation to gripe, grumble, and complain against God (1 Corinthians 9:24-10:13). Illicit sex is not the only sin that puts Christians on the sidelines.

2. Remember, God knows what He is doing. Joseph puts me to shame—He was thrown into a pit by his brothers, sold by them into slavery, unjustly accused of fooling around with Potiphar’s wife, thrown into prison, forgotten by a friend he had helped—and yet Scripture doesn’t record a single complaint. He could’ve become bitter against his brothers. But he didn’t.

He could’ve smashed his fist against the prison walls and complained that his circumstances were unjust. But he didn’t.

What was the secret of his complaint-free life, you ask? The answer is in Genesis 45:5-8 where we find Joseph, now the governor of Egypt, addressing his starving brothers, “And now do not be grieved or angry with yourselves … because God has sent me before you to preserve life.” Three times in four verses Joseph says—”God sent me here.” Talk about a perspective that comes as a result of an uncommon faith in an omnipotent God. Joseph grasped the truth that God is in control, and that He knows what He is doing.

3. Put away past complaints that may have become bitterness. A grudge is an aging complaint still being held against another person. The longer you carry a complaint against another, the greater the probability it will become a grudge too heavy to handle. Complaining can give birth to resentment. “Be hospitable to one another without complaint” (1 Peter 4:9).

If you have a complaint against a brother, go to him in private and clear the slate.

4. Keep on “giving thanks in all things” (1 Thessalonians 5:16). This is not just some “power of positive thinking” approach. I will never be able to “give thanks” unless I see God as the sovereign ruler of the universe at work in my life through my circumstances.

I’m sorry to say that I seem to flunk more of these “faith tests” than I pass. God wants me to see Him in the midst of my circumstances—to trust Him, without having the outcome clearly presented in front of me—but I’m from Missouri, “the Show-Me-State.” God says, “You must believe in Me before you see it.” But I say, “Let me see all that’s going on here and then I’ll believe it.” My unbelief comes through when I fail to give thanks in all things.

Cultural apologists usually advocate one of three approaches to the issues that are currently redefining the culture in which we live. Either we can be isolated from our culture, immersed in our culture, or insulated in the midst of our culture. Each of these approaches can be illustrated by a diver’s relationship to the water. The diver who jumps in without gear represents immersion. The diver with a wet suit and scuba gear represents insulation—in the water but protected from and unaffected by it. A man on the shore who refuses to dive into the water represents isolation.

Immersion

Cultural immersion is the easiest approach to the culture because it is the most natural. We were born into this culture. It was here that we learned how to think, act, and react. It was here that we developed our worldview. It was here that we were educated. In fact, it is not until we come to faith in Christ that we even know that there is an alternative. Many Christians grew up in a church environment that was completely immersed in the culture and could not tell the difference between the two world-views if their life depended on it.

Cultural immersion is the de facto approach for most Christians. In doing nothing (and in being ignorant of the philosophical shift around them), most Christians have simply adopted the philosophical assumptions promulgated by the adversary. They have become “all things to all people.” They parrot popular phrases without weighing their implications—the church member who never shares her faith with the Muslim coworker because “we all worship the same God”; the college student who sees nothing wrong with his philosophy professor’s assertion that “there are no absolutes”; the Episcopal bishops who elect an openly gay Bishop of New Hampshire. These people unwittingly accept the immersion approach because the Bible has been usurped by our culture.

The greatest benefit this approach offers is acceptance within the culture. When Christians share the same philosophical assumptions, values, roles, norms and mores of the culture, they meet little resistance in our culture. These Christians are not called intolerant, narrow-minded bigots. They do not turn off lost people.

The “seeker-driven” emphasis within the modern Church Growth movement is another example. These churches’ main goal is to create an environment with the “seeker” in mind. Their pulpit is removed because it represents authority. No one on staff wears a shirt and tie because doing so would represent the uptight, “old fashioned” way of doing church. The preacher becomes the “speaker” or “communicator.” The sermon becomes a “talk.” Biblical exposition gives way to the seventeen-minute topical, self-help sounding, felt-needs based pop psychology with full multimedia support. Songs of Zion are replaced with top-forty cover songs. The call to repentance and faith is supplanted by an invitation to “make yourself at home.” Ultimately, biblical community is abandoned in favor of a country club—all in the name of reaching a group of people the Bible says do not even exist (see Romans 3:11).

The obvious drawback to cultural immersion is that it offers no alternative. This position allows the sinner to feel comfortable in his or her sin. It compromises the gospel message. This approach loses the game before it even starts because it has bought in to philosophical assumptions with which the gospel message is completely incongruent.

Isolation

Isolation, on the other hand, represents complete withdrawal from the culture. “Come out from their midsts and be separate” is the battle cry of the isolationist (2 Corinthians 6:17). This position is based on the idea that interaction with the culture will corrupt those who walk with Christ. Isolationism has several strengths.

First, isolation offers a clear distinction between Christianity and the culture, and thus a clear alternative. It may be difficult to choose between a Chevy pickup and a GMC, but put a Ford or a Dodge in the mix and things change. Suddenly the differences are more clear and the choice more obvious. Isolation creates distance between “us” and “them.”

Second, isolation protects Christians from corruption, or at least appears to do so. If we don’t interact with the culture, the culture cannot corrupt us; or so the argument goes. This preserves the integrity of the message. The culture’s philosophy cannot influence our thinking if we avoid the culture altogether.

Of course, the flip side of this is the fact that isolation not only eliminates the culture’s influence on the church, it also negates godly cultural transformation. This requires interaction. Unfortunately, to some isolationists, any interaction represents compromise.

The extreme corporate expression of isolation is the traditional church. Every church has tradition, but the traditional church is so steeped in its tradition that it would rather die than adapt. An observant person can script these services after a couple of weeks. You know: three hymns and a special followed by three points, a poem, an altar call, and a handshake at the back door. This church was once a pillar of the community, but it is rapidly becoming an albatross. This church is proud that time has passed it by, but it still can’t understand why young families aren’t coming. This is the church that will only hire a young pastor if he acts like an old man and will throw him off the nearest cliff if he ever forgets his place and tries to change something.

Insulation

Insulation is the process of being “in the world, but not of the world.” This is often viewed as the middle ground. Here we interact with the culture, but we do so with the protection of our wet suit, or our submarine. In other words, we get close to the world, but we never actually make contact.

I am not, however, asking you to choose between insulation, isolation, or immersion. I don’t find any of these solutions totally sufficient. I believe that we should infiltrate and invade the culture. To infiltrate means to enter enemy territory without being detected. To invade means to enter by force in order to conquer. I believe the task at hand requires both. Furthermore, I believe that if we are to infiltrate and invade our culture with the truth, we will have to employ each of the three previous techniques. We must get our hands dirty in people’s lives like those committed to immersion; keep the lines clearly drawn like the isolationist; all the while exemplifying the balance of the insulation approach.

In my mind I see a picture of an allied camp set up in the midst of enemy territory. As such, we are completely distinct from our surroundings but able to blend in as necessary. Occasionally we venture out into enemy territory for reconnaissance purposes, but we never become completely comfortable, and we always come back home.

The next generation

Our culture is hostile to Christian faith. We no longer live in a time or a place where what we believe constitutes the norm, or even an accepted point of view. What we believe flies in the face of the cherished principles of religious relativism, tolerance, and philosophical pluralism. We are considered “untrained and uneducated” men and women from whom our culture needs to be protected. We are the modern version of Peter and John standing before a Sanhedrin armed with television and radio stations, colleges and universities, newspapers and books, all being leveraged against “the faith that was once for all handed down to the saints.” Struggle is inevitable. Conflict is at hand. Will we bow before the god of culture? Or will we plant our feet, square our shoulders, lift our heads, and give an account to all those who ask us not just what we believe but why?

Adapted from The Ever-Loving Truth: Can Faith Thrive in a Post-Christian Culture? By Voddie Baucham, Jr. Published by Broadman & Holman Publisher, Nashville, Tenn. Copyright © 2004 by Voddie Baucham, Jr. Used with permission.

Everyone loves a love story. Love stories are the stuff that movies and best-sellers and headlines are made of. That’s because we were made to give and receive love. We were made for intimacy.

Yet most of us know more about the absence of intimacy than the reality. That sense of aloneness and isolation we have all experienced somewhere in the core of our being is a God-created hole that cries out to be filled; it is a longing for intimacy.

From earliest childhood, we have sought to fill that vacuum—we crave closeness, warmth, and affection; we long to know that we matter to someone, that someone cares, that someone who really knows us still loves us. However, even in the best of families and human relationships, the most we are able to do is somewhat dull the sense of longing; other humans can never completely fill the hole.

That’s because the God who created that hole in our hearts is the only One who can fill it. In the Scriptures we encounter a God who moves toward us, who seeks to draw us to Himself, who knows us intimately and passionately and who invites us to know Him the same way.

In the first pages of the book of Genesis, we are introduced to this God who initiates relationship with man. Of all God’s creation man alone is given the capacity to respond to God’s initiative, to love Him in return, to know Him, and to enjoy His companionship,

However, no sooner has the story begun than man rejects God’s initiative, and intimacy is broken. In response, this Lover-God immediately sets into motion a plan whereby His estranged loved ones may be restored to intimate fellowship with Himself. And what is the outcome of that plan?

When we come to the final pages of Revelation, we see the ultimate fulfillment of the eternal purposes of God, as heaven is peopled with those whose hearts have been won by His love and who will spend eternity in an intimate love relationship with their Creator.

So you see, from start to finish, the Word of God is one incredible love story. And, wonder of wonders, it is a story that has your name and mine in it. Whether you grew up, as I did, in the church, or have no church background at all; whether you have a “respectable” background or a questionable one; whether you are well-versed in the Bible or have only recently opened it for the first time—there is room in this love story for you.

Many of the men and women of Scripture illustrate what it is to be loved by God and to respond to His divine initiative with wonder, worship, and glad surrender.

Those who drank from the deep wells of that divine love longed to linger in His presence and counted it their highest privilege and aim to live in unbroken union and communion with Him. Their lives make us thirsty for intimacy with the Creator-Lover who corresponds to that hole in our hearts.

Adam and Eve: Alone with their Creator

Adam and Eve were the first of God’s creatures to experience this remarkable union. Nowhere do we read of God’s conversing with the trees, the fish, or the oceans. Nowhere do we see God seeking out a relationship with any of His creation so far beneath Him—except for man, created in His own image.

Only to Adam and Eve did God reveal Himself, His character, His wishes, His ways. The pair responded to the divine initiative in wonder, love, and obedience. There was no fear, for there was perfect love between God and His loved ones. There was no shame, for the man and his wife delighted to know and to do the will of God. They welcomed the presence and the voice of God. Communion with Him was the reason for their existence.

Perhaps you have experienced something of that kind of relationship with God. You have been the recipient of His incredible love and blessing; you know what it is to walk with Him, to listen to His Word and to respond with the worship of a satisfied heart. Do you also know what it is to lose that intimacy?

Do you know what it is to make a choice that creates distance where there was once nearness, fear where there was once trust, and shame where there was once freedom?

That moment when the first man and first woman signed their own emancipation proclamation was a decisive one. They chose to believe the word of the serpent rather than the word of God. They acted apart from God and became separated from God. Now when they heard the sound of God walking in the garden in the early morning hours, they were fearful and could not bear to face Him or each other. Instead, they covered their naked bodies and attempted to hide from God.

As the daughters of Eve, we have all experienced that fearful, dreadful sense of shame that makes us want to hide from God because we know we have spurned the only true love we have ever known. In that dark instant, we may feel that we have thrown His love away and will never experience it again.

But even in that moment of shameful separation in the garden, there was hope, as God the Eternal Lover took the initiative to restore the estranged couple to fellowship. By means of a sacrifice, He tenderly lovingly clothed them in the skins of animals and set in motion the events whereby man might ultimately be reunited with Him. And all the time, God never stopped loving, never stopped communicating, never stopped seeking, never stopped initiating. Just as He never stops loving and seeking you and me.

“Devotions” without “devotion”

Some of us have had devotions, but we’ve not had devotion. There’s a big difference. We may have gone through the motions of reading our Bibles and “saying our prayers,” but we have not been cultivating a love relationship with our Lover-God. We know a lot about Him, but we don’t really know Him. We are active and busy in a multitude of spiritual activities, but we have lost perspective of who it is that we are serving and why.

The result of our “devotionless” religion is seen in the way we respond to pressure. So many of us as Christian women are chronically stressed out. Everywhere I go, I see it in the eyes of women; I hear it in their voices; and too often I see it when I look in my own mirror. I know what it is to have demands coming at me from every direction. I know what it is to respond out of weariness, with an impatient, demanding spirit. And I know what it is to contend with God Himself, even as my eyes fill up with tears of frustration with myself and my reactions.

I also know that there is only one place where that angry reactive, overwhelmed self can be transformed—the feet of Jesus. I must make a conscious, deliberate, daily choice to sit at His feet, to listen to His Word, to receive His love, to let Him change me, and to pour out my heart’s devotion to Him.

When I get into His presence, the whole world looks different. When I draw close to His heart, I find mercy when I know I deserve judgment; I find forgiveness for all my petty selfish ways; I find grace for all my inadequacies; I find peace for my troubled heart; I find perspective for my distorted views. In Him, I find an eye in the midst of the storm. Oh, the storm around me may not immediately subside; but the storm within me is made calm.

An invitation to intimacy

And so the Father-Lover heart of God continues to call us into relationship with Himself. He is seeking lovers. He is always thinking about us, always desiring our company and our fellowship; He longs to hear our voice and see our face.

Not until we make pursuing Him our highest priority and goal in life will we begin to fulfill the purpose for which He created us. Nothing—absolutely nothing—is more important. And that relationship for which we were created cannot be cultivated or sustained apart from spending consistent time alone with Him.

Where are you in your relationship with Him? Is it intimate, vital, and growing? Or has it become distant and passionless? Are you nurturing that relationship by spending time each day alone with Him? Is He giving you a new desire to know Him and His love and to offer true devotion to Him? If so, why not take David’s mission statement (Psalm 27:4) and make it your prayer:

Lord Jesus, You have shown me that only one thing is absolutely necessary, and that is the one thing I want to seek after with all my heart: that I may live in Your presence every day of my life, that I may gaze upon Your beauty with a heart of worship and adoration, and that I may learn to know Your heart, Your ways, and Your will. To this supreme purpose I dedicate myself. By Your grace, I will make this the highest daily priority of my life. Amen.

On November 17, 1999, Ann was meeting with a client in her print shop when the phone rang. It brought a message that forever changed her life. “Your house is on fire, and it’s fully involved,” said the caller, the captain of the local Coast Guard. His words hit Ann like a punch in her stomach. When she arrived at the scene minutes later, those feelings turned to disbelief.

The house, perched on a pint-sized rocky island, had been her family’s haven for 24 years. Now a charred, flaming skeleton stood in its place. Her treasures—family photographs, the mandolin her grandfather had made and sent from Finland, her children’s artwork, her kids’ baby clothes she’d saved for her grandchildren—had been reduced to water-soaked ashes.

Shock threatened to engulf Ann. But as it did, a familiar Scripture verse filled her mind: “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10 NIV).

The house and everything in it is gone, thought Ann. This is a huge loss, but we’re safe. Our kids are safe. Fire can’t steal the happy memories made here. We still have the things that really matter. And we’re not alone—God knows our situation, and He is with us.

Indeed, He was. And He proved it.

Ann and her husband eventually walked around the smoldering embers and surveyed the damage. Finally, realizing they should break the news to their children before someone else did, they turned to leave. As they did, an object on the wharf railing caught Ann’s attention.

“What’s that?” she asked no one in particular. When she drew closer, she recognized it as a book’s blackened remains. The title, scarcely visible, read Count Your Blessings.

Ann picked it up and showed it to her husband and the firefighters. “Did you place this book on the railing?” she asked one after another. But none had seen or touched it. “It must have floated into the air and then landed there on its way down,” suggested one fellow.

How that book settled in the exact place where Ann would see it as she left the island remains a mystery. But one thing is sure—its message instantly cast a proper perspective on her situation, and Ann holds fast to that perspective today.

What is your security?

Our blessings consist of more than the money we earn and the material possessions we own. We can enjoy those things and share them with others, but their presence guarantees neither success nor fulfillment. And despite what television and magazine ads want us to believe, they cannot provide security. One moment, they’re there; the next moment, they’re gone. Poof!

Still, we struggle with the issue of stuff. Of Christ’s 38 parables, 17 refer to possessions. And Scripture refers to them 2172 times!

Basing our security in things that can vanish in a flash leads only to hardship. Their disappearance leaves us wrestling with anger, bitterness, and fear. But if we hold our belongings loosely and base our security in God, trusting in His promised presence and help, we experience freedom that cannot be shaken regardless of what happens. And that confidence is a blessing no one can steal.

Perhaps, like Ann, you’ve experienced the loss of material possessions through a tragic fire. Or an intruder invaded your home and helped himself to your goods. Maybe your hubby recently received a pink slip from his employer. Or unexpected medical expenses have blown your budget to bits.

Let me ask you a personal question. When faced with financial insecurity or the loss of your belongings, how do you respond? Do you let fear cause sleepless nights? Do you throw up your hands in frustration? Speak some not-so-nice words to nearby family members? (Been there, done that.) Or do you respond by saying, “God knows my situation, and He is with me”?

The latter response should be our goal. I know, I know—you may be thinking, Yeah, right. That’s for the super-spiritual club, of which I’m not a member because I can’t afford to pay the dues. But wait! Maintaining an attitude of trust and rest is easier said than done, but it is possible. How? By understanding the character of God and how it relates to the nitty-gritty of everyday life.

Introducing … Jehovah Jireh!

“Almost all new discoveries of God—all fresh revelations of His person, nature and character—are tied to some crisis, some intense human experience,” says David Wilkerson in his book, Knowing God by Name.

Wilkerson retells the story of Abraham and Isaac, and of God’s command for father to sacrifice son. Time and testings had matured Abraham’s faith. Life’s trials had taught him to trust and obey God as the promise-keeping all-powerful One. Now he stood poised, knife in hand, prepared to slay his own son because God told him to. And then he saw the ram. A substitute sacrifice—just in the nick of time!

Caught by its horns in a thicket several feet from the altar where Isaac lay, the animal struggled to free itself, but its efforts proved vain. Abraham retrieved the woolly critter. He cut the ropes that held Isaac, wrestled the bleating beast onto the altar where his son lay minutes prior, and performed the sacrificial rituals.

As nerve-racking as this experience sounds, it gave Abraham fresh insight into God as a faithful provider in the midst of extreme circumstances. To commemorate what he’d seen and learned, he dubbed that place “The LORD Will Provide” (Genesis 22:14).

God provided for Abraham back then, and He’ll do the same for us today when we’re walking in obedience to Him. How can I be so sure? Because His names describe His nature. One of these names is Jehovah Jireh, meaning roughly, “God will see to it.” It carries the connotation of provision—He will see to it that our needs are met.

Providing for His children is a responsibility that flows from who God is. In other words, seeing to it that our needs are met isn’t simply something He does when He feels like it. He does so because doing otherwise would be contrary to His nature.

May 2011

Tornadoes have been in the news lately … Tuscaloosa, Birmingham, Joplin, and other communities have experienced catastrophic loss of life and property. Our story is nothing compared to what they have experienced, but it is a story of what we experienced, what God has been teaching us, and how He is at work in our lives.

Before I get to the story, I need to give you a little historical context. I grew up in Ozark, Missouri, population 1,350, one yellow flashing light, and county seat of Christian County. Now a lot of folks have heard about the Ozark Mountains, but some are geographically challenged and don’t exactly know where the town of Ozark is located. I used to say that it’s about 15 miles south of Springfield, and a few people knew where that was. But now I tell folks that I grew up 40 miles north of Branson, and everyone knows where that is. It wasn’t “tornado alley,” but we had our share of storms.

I spent the first 18 years of my existence in a house that my dad built on Jackson Street. That little three-bedroom home was nestled between Claude and Zella Boone on one side and a sweet widow named Mrs. Mitchell on the other. I guess Mrs. Mitchell had a first name, but for some reason I was never given that personal information. What Mrs. Mitchell did have was a cellar. She never used it during storms, but I guess she gave my mom permission to because we did. My mom had a severe fear of tornadoes.

I recall getting jostled out of bed and running across our muddy, gravel driveway in a downpour, with lightning popping and a storm bearing down on us. There we’d sit in Mrs. Mitchell’s cellar, flashlight in hand, surrounded by green beans, pickles, and potatoes in Ball jars. We were never hit by a tornado, but the memories of the musty smell of that cellar and the fear my mom instilled in me of tornadoes are still fresh.

A storm bears down on our home

Fast forward about 50 years to Monday, April 25, 2011—the week a legion of tornadoes marched across the south. It was 6 p.m. and Barbara and I had just left the breast cancer surgeon’s office.

Earlier in the month her annual mammogram had come back suspicious. A biopsy followed and while on a ministry trip to Southern California, we received the results. “Cancer cells, but non invasive,” the doctor told us. “If a woman is going to have breast cancer, it’s the best kind to have.”

As we met with the breast surgeon that Monday, it became clear that a lumpectomy was the next step. The area was small, less than the size of a pencil eraser, but needed to come out. So we scheduled it for Thursday, May 28.

As we drove from the doctor’s office to where I had left my truck, our conversation about surgery was interrupted by weather reports on the radio of a potential tornado moving in our direction. As I hopped in my truck, I gave Barbara some advice: “If a tornado comes our way, get out of your car and get in the ditch!” To which she said, “You lead the way and if I need to get out of my car, I’ll follow you!”

Barbara followed as I blazed a trail home, rushed in, and turned on the television just in time to hear that a tornado had been seen about 15 miles from our house. As I looked out over the lake, I could see the cloudbank with the embedded twister. It was well to our west and would miss us. But then I looked to my left and saw another cloud bearing down on us from the southwest, looking very ominous. I was worried. I prayed a quick prayer out loud, asking God to keep us safe and protect our home. I began to pace the floor, monitoring weather radar on the TV and keeping an eye on the approaching storm.

The problem is that our house sits up on a ridge, surrounded by a forest of pines and oaks which allows for limited visibility. And we don’t have a cellar.

Barbara, who did not grow up with a cellar, began to tease me, saying that I was making much to do about nothing. She was a bit preoccupied with our conversation with the surgeon and wasn’t paying close attention to the storm. But I was … I was troubled that the sky looked really angry, like I’d never seen it before. I responded by saying, “Well, I may be going over the top on this, but if a storm hits, we’re going to go into ‘Santa’s Workshop’” (a small storage closet under the stairs in the center of our home). She agreed.

I moved my pacing away from the windows, to the hallway in front of Santa’s Workshop, peeking around the corner at the window. Barbara stayed in our kitchen, six feet from the closet, fixing dinner and watching the violently swaying trees through the window.

I’m not exactly sure how long the following sequence took, but it went very fast. We didn’t hear the “roar of a train” that so many tornado survivors report, but suddenly the full power of the storm descended upon us and Barbara screamed because the massive pine trees she was watching were bending over to such a point she knew they wouldn’t spring back. My ears popped, and then I grabbed Barbara and pulled her toward the closet. She gladly followed.

We weren’t in the closet for more than 60 seconds. When I opened the closet door I noticed two things at once. First, the house was filled with the pungent smell of freshly cut pine. And second, I couldn’t see out of the any windows on the west side of our home. Pine needles, oak leaves, and debris were plastered on the windows like wallpaper.

It was twilight, but there was enough light that I could see the results of what looked like a small explosion in our woods. Pine branches and twisted tree trunks were piled on our deck. I walked around saying, “Wow! … Thank you, God … Wow! … Wow! … We’re alive!” It was like someone shot a gun at us and missed.

Surveying the damage

Without power, we went to bed early, by candlelight. It wasn’t until daylight that we were able to see the full extent of the damage.

Twenty seven trees were uprooted, twisted in half, and tossed through fences, crushing our deck railing and piercing our screened porch. There were trees lying by three of the four corners of our house—stacked up, as if surrounding our home. One substantial 40-year-old cypress that proudly stood within five feet of the front of our home had been twisted in half and tossed 15 feet. Now it was leaning up against an oak tree between our two cars. Neither was damaged.

Our next-door neighbor lost 60 feet of her roof. A mile or so away, the twister crumbled four metal power poles in half.

The tornado blew sheet rock dust out of our walls, but not one window was broken in our home. One 60-foot pine leaned against the corner of our house right above our bedroom, but it caused only minor damage.

And neither of us had even a scratch. Some 48 hours later, after seeing the devastation in Tuscaloosa, Barbara and I concluded that if a tornado that strong had hit us, we wouldn’t be here today.

Which brings me back to Barbara’s surgery three days later. The lumpectomy was successful and the margins around the cancer were clear. No additional cancer cells were found. After receiving the good news from our doctor, we sat together on our couch and gave thanks. Again. It had been quite a week.

(Since that time, as a preventative measure, Barbara has begun six weeks of radiation treatment and has a very good prognosis. Still, I know that she would greatly appreciate your prayers for her.)

We are God’s workmanship

In the last six weeks we have reflected often on those experiences and the devastation in other communities.

My mentor, friend, and seminary professor, Dr. Howard Hendricks, said in class one day, “Man is immortal until God’s work for him is done.”

Couple that statement with what has always been a favorite verse of mine, “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them” (Ephesians 2:10).

Both Barbara and I have thought about how quickly our lives could have ended in that storm (as many did in the days that followed). We’ve realized she could have received a death sentence (as many women do) because of an aggressive form of cancer.

We have concluded that our work must not be done. God must have an assignment or two left for us. Before the storms hit, both of us knew the truth of those statements. But because of what we’ve faced, we have just been given a fresh reminder that life is given to us by God. He can take it in an instant. Our next breath and heartbeat are gifts from God.

Bill Bright’s life verse teaches all of us how we are to live: “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ Who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me” (Galatians 2:20).

Sometimes in the midst of sweating through “small stuff,” we just need to be reminded by God that He has a purpose for every one of our lives, if we will submit to Him. We aren’t sure of what tomorrow may bring, but that’s how we should live today.

I’m glad God has called me to serve Him by building godly homes and legacies and not by being a storm chaser!

Contrary to what the title suggests, I am no gardener, which would explain why my flower beds are overgrown with grass. As a mom, I have difficulty finding time or motivation to clean out flower beds because it seems like an exercise in futility. As soon as I finish the 300-and-some-odd linear feet of flower beds—the previous owner of our house was a gardener—it is time to start all over again.

As much as I dislike getting my hands deep in the soil, I have developed a strange maternal attachment to my tulips. So, when I heard one early spring day that it would freeze that night, I went to the garden center to find a way to protect my little budding babies. The man at the center was nice enough to load several large bags of mulch into my car, and I drove away, ready for battle. I should have paid more attention to the way my shocks groaned when he tossed those bags into my trunk. When I got home, I popped my trunk and traipsed around the car, armed with gardening gloves. Five minutes later I was still struggling to heft out the first huge bag while my Labrador watched me from her perch under a nearby tree.

I finally maneuvered the bags into the yard and dragged them to the beds. I’d planned to dump out the bags and go on my merry way. Sadly, the beds were overgrown with grass. I stared around and wondered what to do next. Did I mention I grew up with a rock lawn? I decided to pull the grass out. I grasped a thick chunk and pulled. And pulled … Then I fell over on my backside. Ignoring the dog’s mommy’s-gone-crazy look, I marched to the shed and came back with a shovel so I could dig the grass up. I plunged the shovel into the grass and the roots shoved back. I jumped on the shovel and fell over.

Grass, two. Shovel, zero. I braced myself on a big rock and attacked with the shovel from above, bringing all my weight down. I triumphed when I heard a crack … until I realized it was the shovel, not the grass.

I heaved and jumped and pushed and shoved. I even brought out the large hedge trimmer and cut the grass’s roots. After thirty minutes, I yanked up an entire square foot of grass and brandished it for the dog to see. Then I looked around. One foot down, 30 more to go … at least. My fingers were frozen, my muscles sore, my spirit down. I dragged my tools back to the garage and limped inside for some Bible reading and enchiladas.

So what does my venture in gardening have to do with my soul? The grass and its resilient roots gave new meaning to the term “letting sin take root.” I realized that the roots in that grass were there from neglect. Each twisted root of the grass is like a sin that I let go unchecked. Every stray thought, deed, or word can twist around my heart and choke out God’s light. Even with my hectic mommy schedule, I must make time for God daily so that my soul doesn’t become like my flower beds.

Often I’m asked to recommend spiritual growth next steps. New Christians and motivated newcomers want to know what’s next. They’ve attended weekend services for a while and sense there’s more. They sense they’re spiritually stuck.

Sometimes, I’ll make the “next step challenge”, unsolicited, to friends who are quite happy where they are. I’ll push, challenge and encourage that person to grow. To make a commitment or two which will place them in an environment conducive to spiritual growth.

Several years ago, as a new believer, I acted on a challenge. More accurately, I surrendered to my wife’s constant insistence that we join a couples small group. I was already volunteering in a ministry, serving Sunday mornings as an usher. We had been baptized. We actively participated in educational opportunities around the church. How could we possibly benefit from small group? Do we really need one more thing in our schedules?

I didn’t admit it at the time, but my biggest hesitation was about being relational. Small groups are all about building significant relationships and getting vulnerable, open and honest with other people. I would have to share my most private thoughts. That wasn’t me.

Well, I took the leap. We were matched-up with four other couples. They lived in the same area as us and were about the same age. They even had the same number of kids. Perfect demography! The leader-couple were a bit older with more “Christian experience”.

After a two year commitment to that group of couples, we developed very close relationships. We experienced life together. I learned how to really dig in to the bible. We had fun together. A lot of stuff happened in those two years: unemployment, death, sickness, conflict, celebration—and growth.

That was ten years ago. If you were to ask me today to identify the one most significant growth step I’ve taken in my Christian life, I’d have to say it was that small group.

I can visualize my spiritual course charted on an Excel graph. Spiritually, I peaked and plateaued just before joining that group. I had stalled out. Weeks after joining the group, my spiritual trajectory went vertical! After two years, we experienced unprecedented growth in our spiritual lives and marriage relationship. It was worth it.

The challenge

If you’re looking for the most bang-for-your-buck, maximum results next step, you’ve found it. Small group is the one step that can change your life. Here’s why:

Life

A small group is actually a little church within a church. That infrastructure allows relationships to happen. You need to develop one or two significant relationships. You need to be surrounded by people who care about you and who will stick by you through tough times and be there through life’s celebrations. You need a sounding board and accountability too. This is your big takeaway from small group: relationships.

Learn

The group agenda and curriculum are usually negotiated by the group members. Whatever you study, you will benefit, and not just academically. I noticed a “rub off” affect in my group. Something happens when younger, immature Christians spend time with more mature Christians. That sets an example, it affects your character and you discover a new, “higher standard”. You grow.

Link

Because you’re rubbing shoulders with other people, you are now exposed to new opportunities around the church. Small group linked us to membership, new serving opportunities and got us involved in the mid-week service, New Community, which greatly enhanced our worship and bible understanding. Small group seems to be the critical link to everything else in the church.

Ready for the next step? If you haven’t done small group, you need too. Small group will ignite your spiritual life. If you haven’t experienced small group, you haven’t experienced real growth. Accept the challenge.

I love to snow ski. Well, I used to love to snow ski, when I had extra time and money and fewer responsibilities in life. I grew up in the Midwest, and every year my youth group would charter a bus and go skiing for three days, and my older brother and I would go almost every year.

After learning the basics, and with a few years of practice, I convinced myself that I was ready to tackle a challenge. In Colorado the slopes marked with black diamonds are the most advanced (and life-threatening) trails at a ski resort. Black diamonds are for the most elite skiers on the hill. Or, in my case, the most overconfident.

So I decided this was the year of Lisa and the black diamond slope! I’ve always enjoyed challenges, but there was another motive behind my desire to ski this slope. Anyone who skied a black diamond slope received a free, black T-shirt with the words No Fear on it in bold letters. I wanted that T-shirt. It was a big deal, especially when you are in tenth grade and trying to be popular.

I announced my decision to my friends. My guy friends were especially thrilled that their prissy friend with pin nails and Aqua-Netted hair was going to do something gutsy for once. They gladly escorted me to the chairlift. Up we went, and went, and went. I found myself wondering, a) if this elevation was even legal, and b) if there was any other way down.

We finally got to our destination at the very, very top of the mountain. And this girl with “no fear” was starting to get just a tad bit fearful. But I wanted to save face and meet the challenge and get that free T-shirt. So I played it cool; I positioned my goggles, pulled down my hat, took a hard gulp and let gravity do its thing. Can I tell you that, other than the dreams in which I arrive at church with just my underwear on, I have never had such a feeling of horror in my whole life? I think on the way down I simultaneously felt like I broke a hip, lost my voice, took 10 years off my life, and wet my pants! I just knew I was going to die, with no driver’s license, wearing braces, a virgin, with no chance of ever having a baby.

But in what seemed like no time at all, I ended up at the bottom in one piece. Or should I say, one pile. I did it! I became the proud owner of a black T-shirt that said No Fear. Not only that, but I also gained a challenging and motivating experience in life.

No fear. No pain, no gain. The greater the risk, the greater the reward. We’ve heard all these slogans at one time or another. But what do they mean? And in particular, what do they mean to us as Christian women?

God asks us to be intolerant of mediocrity in our life. How does that look in real life? Mediocrity is living the status quo. It’s playing it safe. It’s settling. It’s patronizing ourselves. It’s excusing ourselves. It’s fearing something so much that we are willing to never experience it and all its benefits in exchange for the safe comfort we already know. And as women, we have the tendency to relish our comfort zones.

Settling for safe can be sinful. Consider these verses. Deuteronomy 6:5 says, “Love the Lord with all your soul and with all your strength” (my emphasis). We are told in 1 Corinthians 10:31 to “do all things for the glory of God.” In Revelation 3:15-16, Jesus addresses the church at Laodicea and says: “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.”

This doesn’t mean you should live your life recklessly, but it does mean that our mediocre ho-hum attitudes can hinder us in our walk with the Lord.

A few years ago my husband faced a personal challenge of his own by running in the New York City Marathon. I left our only child at the time with his grandparents and went with Scott to cheer him on. The New York City Marathon is known not only for its great athletes but also for its camaraderie, as the entire city comes out to support the runners.

On that cold November day I settled into my place behind the ropes and cleared my throat to prepare for my cheerleader role. I saw young people, old people, skinny people, very skinny people, heavy people, different nationalities—a true melting pot of people participating. Watching them I suddenly realized a great irony: though I came to cheer them on, instead of inspiring them, they were inspiring me. But it didn’t stop there. I saw another group of runners who took me to the next level of inspiration. People with missing arms and legs, running or at the least walking to the finish line with everyone else. If anyone had an excuse not to run a marathon, this was the group. But they were out there, in the mix.

At that moment I felt like such an unmotivated person. Here I was, a woman in her twenties, with maybe a few pounds to lose but generally healthy, with all my limbs, and I had never even thought about doing such a difficult thing. I was settling into my comfortable position on the sidelines, and that was just fine with me.

Many of us are settling for the sidelines of life. We like our life the way it is, and we don’t really want to mess it up. We don’t really want the Lord to give us anything too hard to do. It’s hard for many of us to even be willing to make time for nurturing our own spiritual walk through personal Bible study, much less spread the gospel and tell others about Christ’s love, sacrifice, and forgiveness. But I firmly believe that our mediocre attitude towards areas like witnessing displeases the Lord and can cause us to have sin in our lives.

Women, our love for God and our desire to do His will should be enough to motivate us to get out of our comfort zones and ski the black diamonds of life. For Christian women, mediocrity is not an option. Living a life of mediocrity will cause us to miss out on the great things God has for us to experience.

Titus 3:14 says this, “Our people must learn to devote themselves to doing what is good, in order that they may provide for daily necessities and not live unproductive lives.” He asks us not to tolerate the status quo. Because not tolerating mediocrity, not taking the easy road, rocking that boat a little bit, will help us to not only live fuller and more meaningful lives, but also to fulfill His will for us while we are here on this earth.

Titus 3:14 says this, “Our people must learn to devote themselves to doing what is good, in order that they may provide for daily necessities and not live unproductive lives.” God does not ask us to live unproductive lives. He asks us not to tolerate the status quo. Because not tolerating mediocrity, not taking the easy road, rocking that boat a little bit, will help us to not only live fuller and more meaningful lives, but also to fulfill His will for us while we are here on this earth.

On the black diamond slopes of life

My dear grandmother passed away in 2004. She was such a unique woman. In her way she skied the black diamonds of life. She was always giving people money, even though she was not a wealthy woman; in fact, she earned her living for almost 30 years in a department store, selling clothes. She was a woman with a bold witness. During her funeral, the family she left behind was deeply touched by the stories her friends, co-workers, and neighbors lined up to tell about her, how, in some way, Ernestine Reimer had touched their lives. My uncle shared a story about my grandmother I hadn’t heard before. Here’s what he said:

Mother was such a pure heart. She was a woman of great determination and faith, truly led by the Holy Spirit. One day I was sitting in my office and the phone rang. It was mother. She said, “Son, I need you to do a favor for me.”

“Sure, Mom,” I said.

She said, “I need you to take me to the hospital to see someone. I met him at the department store and sold him some clothes. He’s sick and he’s in the hospital and I need to go to him.”

“Sure, Mom, when do you want to go?” I asked.

And she said, “God told me to go right now.”

So my uncle drove across town in the busy Houston traffic, picked her up and drove her to the hospital. When they got to the person’s room, they saw a shriveled up, sickly man dying of AIDS. He was alone. No family. No friends around him. Just the sound of the monitors and the smell of death. He was sweating profusely, and my dear grandmother went immediately to his side. She called the nurse and requested some ice and damp towels. And she began to serve this man she had just barely met by wiping down his broken body. And some time later, she turned to my uncle and said, “Wade, will you pray with him? He needs God.” So my Uncle Wade took this man’s hand and prayed with him and explained to him about God and His love, and in that moment, Christ came to live inside his heart, and he was saved. And several hours later, the man went to be with his Lord.

My dear and godly grandmother knew that she had to do what God had asked her to do when He asked her to do it. And she was obedient to His call; skiing the black diamonds of life. Tolerating others. Enduring difficult circumstances. Being intolerant of sin.

One day when I (Ryan) was 8, I went to the mall with my mom to get some clothes. After wading through the clothes department aisles for what felt like forever, I spotted the video game section mere feet away. Before I could even think twice, my feet were moving toward the game displayed on the TVs. When I turned around a few minutes later to find my mom, I realized I had lost her. I ran around the store as quickly as my chubby legs could take me, my eyes darting from aisle to aisle, hoping I would catch a glimpse of Mom. But she was nowhere to be found.

The knot in my stomach tightened as reality set in. I would never see my mom or family again. I was an orphan now. All hope was lost.

But hope wasn’t lost. Sure, I was convinced Mom had vanished—until she suddenly appeared and said, casual as can be, “Hey, where’d you go?” She had never been very far away. She was just out of my sight.

Have you ever found yourself wondering where God is? Maybe you have found yourself asking the question in a stressful or disastrous situation. Maybe you’ve been struck with an overwhelmingly emotional feeling that God has left you. Maybe a nagging question has grown in the back of your mind over time.

God, where are You?

We think that behind the “Where are You?” question often lies a more fundamental one: “Who are You?”

Are You good?

Are You trustworthy?

Do You care?

Everywhere you look in the world around you there seems to be injustice, environmental degradation, and human suffering. You’re not alone if you can’t help wondering whether God just left us to rot. What should a thoughtful person do when faced with the realities of a painful and often unfair world?

One person told us, “I have been struggling with a lot of job issues and am starting to question whether I should keep doing this or not. I just feel hopeless and empty. It is sad to say, but at times I feel like God has left me behind.”

Feeling left behind. Like me in the department store.

We love the passion with which the author of Psalm 10 pours out his heart when faced with the seeming absence of God. “Why, O LORD, do you stand far off?” he wrote. “Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?” (verse 1). The author of this psalm was doing exactly what God wants us to do when faced with doubts about His presence. He didn’t bury his doubts. And he didn’t just complain about his doubts to his friends. Instead, he brought his doubts directly to God.

We believe that kind of brutal honesty with God is always the first step you need to take with your doubts. Think about this: God is no less with you in your doubts than He is with you in your certainties. No difference. In the middle of your doubts, God hasn’t moved, and He hasn’t disappeared. At the moment maybe you can’t see or feel Him, but just because you’re doubting doesn’t mean He’s not still there.

During an especially hard time in Israel’s history, God seemed so far away that the people wondered if He’d left them to waste away in their sins. They looked around at their disastrous circumstances and came to the conclusion that they’d finally pushed God too far. He was done with them. He was going to let them fend for themselves.

But God told the prophet Jeremiah to pass on to His people this unshakable promise about His nearness: “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart” (Jeremiah 29:13).

God has things He can teach us while He’s seemingly MIA and we’re wandering about or feeling abandoned. And meanwhile He’s still there. In the end He will make sure we find Him again. Like the Israelites, you may be in a place right now where you feel that God has abandoned you. We don’t know how long that feeling will last, but we want to remind you that God does not abandon His daughters and sons. Keep seeking Him, keep praying, and don’t give up!

Matthew Henry, the eighteenth-century Puritan preacher whose Bible commentary remains among the most popular of all time, was once accosted by robbers while living in London.

Perhaps you’ve experienced this yourself—whether by having your car broken into or coming home to discover that your house had been burglarized. It’s among the most unsettling things that can happen to a person. I’m sure it was, as well, for a quiet, thoughtful man of letters like Matthew Henry.

Let me be thankful, first, because I was never robbed before; second, because although they took my purse, they did not take my life; third, because although they took my all, it was not much; and fourth, because it was I who was robbed, not I who robbed.

What a perspective! As someone has said, “If you can’t be thankful for what you receive, be thankful for what you escape.”

Gratitude is the pure, appropriate response to the saving and keeping grace of God. Its opposite is ingratitude, and it can be deceptively dangerous in our lives and relationships. In the ongoing struggle of daily life—out there where feelings of disappointment and entitlement can easily talk louder than our best intentions—why choose gratitude over ingratitude?

For starters, here are three good reasons. Personalizing and internalizing these alone should be sufficient to continually outweigh whatever tempts us to whine when we should be worshiping.

1. Gratitude is a matter of obedience.

Oh, how I wish it was enough for you and for me to do something just because God has told us to—not because it would give us whiter teeth and fresher breath, or improve our debt-to-income ratio, or improve our dysfunctional relationships. No. Just because He says so.

Like being grateful, for instance.

“Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving,” the psalmist wrote, “and perform your vows to the Most High” (Psalm 50:14). “Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon his name; make known his deeds among the peoples” (105:1). The Psalms are filled with exhortations to “thank the Lord for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of man” (107:8). The “attitude of gratitude” is a clear command and expectation of God.

This theme runs through the entire book of Colossians. In the course of just a few pages, the apostle exhorts believers about being “always” thankful (1:3), “abounding in thanksgiving” (2:7), devoting themselves to prayer, “being watchful in it with thanksgiving” (4:2). Then, as if summing up this whole idea, Paul seals it with one comprehensive, all-inclusive exclamation point: “Whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him” (3:17).

If you’re sitting down to dinner, be thankful.

If you’re getting up to go to bed, be thankful.

If you’re coming out from under a two-week cold and cough, if you’re paying bills, if you’re cleaning up after overnight company, if you’re driving to work, if you’re changing a lightbulb, if you’re worshiping in a church service, if you’re visiting a friend in the hospital, if you’re picking up kids from school or practice …

Be thankful. God has commanded it—for our good and for His glory.

2. Gratitude draws us close.

God’s command to be thankful is not the threatening demand of a tyrant. Rather, it is the invitation of a lifetime—the opportunity to draw near to Him at any moment of the day.

Do you sometimes long for a greater sense of God’s nearness? When pressures intensify, when nighttime worries magnify in strength, when the days are simply piling up one after another, or when life simply feels dull and routine, do you crave the assurance of His presence?

The Scripture says that God inhabits the praises of His people (see Psalm 22:3 KJV). God lives in the place of praise. If we want to be where He is, we need to go to His address.

This is a recurring theme in the psalms: “Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise!” (Psalm 100:4). “Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving” (95:2). Thanks-giving ushers us into the very presence of God!

The tabernacle in the Old Testament was the place God set apart to meet with His people. In front of the entrance to the Holy of Holies—the sacred seat of God’s manifest presence—stood the altar of incense, where every morning and every evening the priest would offer up the sweet scents, representing the prayers and thanksgiving of God’s people who sought to draw near to Him.

Those ancient rituals were types and symbols of a relationship that we as New Testament believers can enjoy with God anytime, anyplace. Through His sacrifice on the cross, Christ has granted us access to the Father who dwells in us by His Spirit.

See what happens when you open your heart afresh to the Lord, moving beyond the normal, the canned, the almost obligatory phrases of praise and worship, where you truly begin to “magnify him with thanksgiving” (Psalm 69:30).

Yes, see if expressing gratitude to the Lord doesn’t “magnify” Him in your eyes, increasing your depth perception of this One who knows your name, counts the hairs on your head, and manifests His love for you with one blessing after another. See if the practice of intentional gratitude doesn’t transport you even nearer to Him—not just where your faith can believe it but where your heart can sense it. Thanksgiving puts us in God’s living room. It paves the way to His presence.

3. Gratitude is a sure path to peace.

I know a lot of women who suffer from a noticeable deficiency of peace. I’m one of them sometimes. I’m not talking about a peace that equates to having a day with nothing on the calendar, plopping down on the sofa with a cup of hot tea and a good book. Not that this doesn’t sound inviting, but let’s be honest—that’s a rare occasion for most of us. The peace I’m talking about doesn’t require a mountain cabin or a getaway weekend. It can happen anywhere, even in the most hectic moments and places of your life.

But only because gratitude knows where to look for it.

If we were sitting across the table from each other, you could tell me what’s stealing your peace right now without having to think hard. You may be grieving a loss that never settles far from your conscious thoughts. You may be crying yourself to sleep at night over a situation with a son or daughter that is beyond your ability to control—a failing marriage, a little one undergoing diagnostic medical tests, perhaps open rebellion against God and against your parenting decisions. Maybe you’re facing some health issues of your own, or your income just isn’t meeting your monthly expenses, or your church is in turmoil over some hot-button issue.

We know that we can and should pray about these matters. But praying is not all that we can and should do. “Do not be anxious about anything,” the apostle Paul wrote, “but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

To put it even more simply: In every situation … prayer plus thanksgiving equals peace.

When prayer teams up with gratitude, when we open our eyes wide enough to see God’s mercies even in the midst of our pain, and when we exercise faith and give Him thanks even when we can’t see those mercies, He meets us with His indescribable peace. It’s a promise.

Oh, we can try it the other way. Without thanksgiving. In her book Breaking Free, author and Bible teacher Beth Moore describes the way most people live, by substituting the familiar phrases from Philippians 4:6-7 with their polar opposites:

Do not be calm about anything, but in everything, by dwelling on it constantly and feeling picked on by God, with thoughts like, “And this is the thanks I get,” present your aggravations to everyone you know but Him. And the acid in your stomach, which transcends all milk products, will cause you an ulcer, and the doctor bills will cause you a heart attack, and you will lose your mind.

Prayer is vital—but to really experience His peace, we must come to Him with gratitude. Hard gratitude. Costly gratitude. The kind that trusts that He is working for our good even in unpleasant circumstances … the kind that garrisons our troubled hearts and minds with His unexplainable peace.

Are you facing one or more chaotic, unsettled situations? Is your soul weary from striving, stress, and strain? There is peace, my friend—God’s peace—waiting for you just beyond the doors of deliberate gratitude. But the only way to find it is to go there and see for yourself. God’s peace is one of the many blessings that live on the other side of gratitude.

Jonathan Swift wrote in 1699, “Vision is the art of seeing the invisible.”

It was a heartfelt “vision to reach the unreached” that sent Dr. John Geddie to the people at Aneityum. Today a stone tablet bears testimony of Geddie’s vision for these unreached people and his faithfulness for 24 years of service. Its inscription is a challenge to us today:

When he landed in 1848, there were no Christians.
When he left in 1872, there were no heathen.

Geddie had a vision—a dream—and he gave his life to the fulfillment of it. Just one man. One man whose life bore the mark of the eternal invading the temporal.

But not all people look at the future with such expectancy. Maybe you know someone who lacks vision. If you do, that person has some pretty famous company. I came across the following group of quotes, which illustrate that the seemingly unthinkable is not impossible:

“Everything that can be invented has been invented.”
Charles H. Duell, Director
U.S. Patent Office—1899

“Who the &%# wants to hear actors talk?”
Harry M. Warner
Warner Brothers Pictures—1927

“Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.”
Lord Kelvin, President
Royal Society—1895

“Babe Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching”
Tris Speaker
Baseball player and record holder—1921

Not exactly the kind of “visions” referred to by Jonathan Swift and lived by Dr. John Geddie, are they? I have to wonder what visions and dreams are buried, forgotten, and dismissed in a similar way today as either impossible or unwise.

We remember Martin Luther King, Jr.’s dream, but when was the last time you had one? A dream of true renaissance? A dream of change, of radical departure from the norm?

What happened to our dreams?

If we as Christians have a direct relationship with the Creator of heaven and earth (and we do), then doesn’t it stand to reason that we should be the most innovative and creative people on earth?

Do you believe that God is through with creating? Or do you believe that God has an eternal purpose, a destiny for your life? For your mate? Your children? Your grandchildren? Do you believe that God can give you a vision for your world that will capture you for the rest of your life?

Questions for all of us are: Do I really want to know the Creator’s vision, for my life? Do I want it to become a reality? Am I willing to follow Him at all cost?

Listen carefully to the words of Paul: “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them” (Ephesians 2:10).

The Christian life is not just fire insurance. It is an opportunity to walk daily within the will of God. It is the opportunity to lay up eternal treasures in heaven. It is the opportunity to lead others into Christ’s kingdom.

What is your dream?

When you dream, do you dream about the things of God, the truly permanent, or the things of the world, the truly perishable? What are you uniquely burdened for? What injustice causes you to pound the table and weep? A godly vision for your life will be characterized by incensed indignation toward the status quo. It will rock boats—remember, they crucified our Savior because He shook up “the system.”

A godly vision will be fueled by what could be and what should be. It is an earnest quest for God’s alternative.

Does your family have a vision that will affect the present and the eternal? Or are you just drifting with the flow of things?

Are you teaching your children that they have a destiny for their life? Are you adding fuel to their dreams and visions or throwing water on them? Are you helping them see the eternal in the midst of time?

Do you want your family to follow you? No one follows an insignificant person with trivial goals.

One of the major reasons we have an identity crisis today in our culture is that we have lost a sense of destiny. There is no calling. No real mission. The feeling pervades that “nothing is truly worthy of my life.”

Finding our dreams

So how do I get a sense of mission? How do I gain a vision for my life and family?

First, pray—ask God to so burden your heart with someone or something that you can’t let it go. By the way, this process may take several months. Sometimes I think God wants to see if we’re really serious about the whole thing!

Second, look back over the way the tapestry of your life has been woven. Are there any threads that continue to show up repeatedly? God may have been preparing you for just this moment, and for just this set of circumstances.

Third, begin to take your idea to just a few friends, beginning with your mate and family. Be careful here, sometimes the Christian community can be intimidated and threatened with a burden from the Lord. It’s sort of guilt producing to listen to another’s vision when you don’t have one of your own!

Fourth, count the cost (Luke 14) and then do something about it.

Fifth, be warned. Once God has directed, it is in our best interest to obey. Remember Jonah?

The needs of the present

One final note, in dreaming of the future, don’t overlook the needs of the present. Recently I have asked many of our friends this question:

If you could accomplish only one thing this year what would it be?

Why not answer that question and then write your answer on two index cards. Give one to your mate or a close friend who will hold you accountable, and then put the other on your calendar—every month. Then begin to pencil into your schedule what you will need to do in order to meet that objective.

May you follow Christ in being a dreamer and gaining a vision for your life and your family.

Editor’s Note: After large natural disasters, it is natural for people to ask, “Where is God in this?” The following article addresses this question. It is adapted by permission from a message presented by Tim Senn at The Bible Church of Little Rock in 2005 after Hurricane Katrina.

All of us have been stirred by what we’ve been seeing on television or reading about on the Internet this week, as we’ve heard about individuals and families affected by Hurricane Katrina. This event is already being referred to as the greatest natural disaster in our nation’s history. And, as is often the case when a calamity like this occurs, people are wondering about where God fits into the picture.

The Scriptures say that God actually speaks to us through storms, through catastrophes and through disasters like Katrina. The question is: Are we listening? Are we paying attention to what God is saying to us?

What are we to think of our God as we consider the devastation of Katrina? And how are we, as His followers, to respond?

We teach our children to pray at mealtime, “God is great, God is good, let us thank Him for our food.” But events like this force us to reexamine that assertion. Is God great? Is God good? If God truly is great, could He not have prevented this disaster? And if God truly is good, wouldn’t He want to prevent this kind of devastation? We have friends, co-workers and family members who are asking themselves that question this week.

My conviction is that God is great and God is good, and Hurricane Katrina has done nothing to change that. In fact, I believe we are called on, as followers of Christ, to worship the God of the storm and to see that God is to be glorified as the God who is at work in the midst of these events. There are 12 ways we can do accomplish this in the wake of a disaster like Hurricane Katrina:

First, we must respond by acknowledging God’s sovereignty.

Consider what the Scriptures teach in Job 37:5-13:

God thunders with His voice wondrously, doing great things which we cannot comprehend. For to the snow He says, ‘Fall on the earth,’ and to the downpour and the rain, ‘Be strong.’ He seals the hand of every man, that all men may know His work. Then the beast goes into its lair and remains in its den. Out of the south comes the storm, and out of the north the cold. From the breath of God ice is made, and the expanse of the waters is frozen. Also with moisture He loads the thick cloud; He disperses the cloud of His lightning. It changes direction, turning around by His guidance, that it may do whatever He commands it on the face of the inhabited earth. Whether for correction, or for His world, or for lovingkindness, He causes it to happen.

In 1992 our family faced a disaster of our own when my brother was almost killed in a car accident. I had just become a Christian, and I remember well-meaning people telling me that the accident was not God’s will and that God had nothing to do with that event. But I realized that that God knew it was going to happen because He knows all things. I realized that He could have prevented the accident, but He chose not to do so. Like Job, I had to come to a place where I said, “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord” (Job 1:21 ).

I may not understand Gods plan and purpose for events like my brothers’ accident, or Hurricane Katrina, but that doesn’t mean He doesn’t have a plan or a purpose for those events. That reality is where we find our comfort.

The second way we need to respond to Hurricane Katrina is to revere God’s power.

As we have heard and read accounts of this storm, it’s amazing to consider its scope. Katrina cut a path that is the size of the United Kingdom . The hurricane treated telephone poles as if they were toothpicks. Structures that we would think of as immovable were tossed around like playthings.

Behind the storm, we must see the all powerful God who directs the wind and the waves. Psalm 104:4 tells us that God makes the wind His messengers. Psalm 147:18 says, “He causes the wind to blow and the waters to flow.” Who controls whether a levee holds or gives way? God does. Consider Psalm 135:6-7, which says,

Whatever the Lord pleases, He does, in heaven and in earth, in the seas and in all deeps. He causes the vapors to ascend from the ends of the earth; Who makes lightnings for the rain, Who brings forth the wind from His treasuries.

It’s astounding how many times the Scriptures speak of God being in control of the storms. We need to take heed of this and reverence His power.

A third way to respond to Katrina is to take comfort in God’s plan.

As followers of Christ, nothing can touch us that God has not designed, and whatever He has designed is for our good and for His glory. Joni Eareckson Tada, who herself has experienced the personal calamity of being a quadriplegic has said, “When we learn to lean back on God’s sovereignty, fixing and settling our thoughts on that unshakable, unmovable reality, we can experience great inner peace. Our troubles may not change. Our pain may not diminish. Our loss may not be restored. Or problems may not fade with the new dawn. But the power of those things to harm us is broken as we rest in the fact that God is in control.”

Fourth, we should trust in God’s wisdom.

We should not look at these cities that have been destroyed and think that, somehow, they deserved it more than we do. We should not attempt to speculate that there is some specific sin or evil about these cities that merited God’s judgment in this storm. That’s not true. God could as easily and as righteously destroy our city tomorrow.

It’s a mistake to think that God had nothing to do with the storm. But it’s also a mistake for us to act like we know exactly what God was doing. We might see a bar or a casino that was destroyed and think, “God was bringing judgment.” But there were churches that were destroyed as well. We must trust God’s wisdom and not speculate for ourselves things that we cannot comprehend, or worse than that, to charge Him with injustice. God knows what He is doing.

As Job declares after his dialogue with God,

“I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted. Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge? Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.”

Fifth, these disasters should increase our knowledge of God.

In some way that we can’t fully understand, God has ordained to allow evil for His own good purpose. These events remind us of attributes of God like His power or His holiness.

Wouldn’t we be impoverished in our knowledge of God if evil did not exist? For example, how would we know mercy or compassion without sin and suffering in our world? How would we know the grace of God without the existence of evil? Neither could we know His justice, or His judgment, or His wrath.

Even though we don’t understand these disasters, we should be thanking God for the opportunity for Him to reveal himself in ways that we never would have known. That’s what I’m asking this week: God what are you trying to teach me about yourself?

Sixth, we should adopt an attitude of humility.

Disasters should remind us that these are occurring because we are a sinful people. Isn’t it true that before the fall of man, there would never have been anything like hurricanes or tornadoes or floods. We all deserve these things, and when you look at it from this perspective you realize, God, you are just in what you do. As a sinner, I deserve these things and I have no reason to complain about your justice.

Seventh, we should receive God’s invitation to grace.

These disasters are God’s invitation to us to wake up and see what’s important in life—our spiritual condition. Because of our sin, God is blending judgment and mercy anytime a disaster occurs.

C.S. Lewis writes, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains. It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” Maybe you’ve been deaf to God lately. Maybe you’re an unbeliever who’s been deaf to God your entire life. These kinds of situations should wake you up and lead you to think, “Am I prepared to face the greater judgment that’s coming?”

Amos 4:6-12 tells us that God sends calamities so that we might repent and turn to God. And God is saying to us today that, as profound as the needs are physically, as profound as the needs are financially, economically, educationally, your deepest need is to be made right with Him. Your deepest need is to be saved, to believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, to turn from your sin, so that you can withstand the greatest judgment the world will ever face—when Jesus Christ comes again and separates all peoples.

Rather than saying, “Weren’t we fortunate that we were spared from this storm,” we should be saying, “God, show us your mercy by turning our hearts to you, because these things could happen to us at any time.”

Eighth, we need to express compassion and mercy.

The Scripture tells us we need to weep with those who weep (Romans 12:15 ). These disasters should cause us to cry as we see stories of people who are separated from their families.

The sovereignty of God does not call us to react by saying, “They just got what they deserved.” Or “God is in control, so it doesn’t matter that people are suffering.” It absolutely matters. God has a heart for those who are suffering. God has entered into our suffering, and He has suffered Himself in the person of Jesus Christ. He tells us that the way He will show His compassion is through us. We are His hands and feet as we reach out with His love and His grace to meet physical needs we see around us.

1 John 3:17 says, “But whoever has the world’s goods, and sees his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God abide in him?” Isn’t this clear? If you see someone in need, and you don’t give to help meet that need, what good is your faith? This is a wake up call to us as Christians.

Ninth, we need to reorient our priorities.

How encouraging it was to see a television report about a woman who had given birth in New Orleans on the day of the hurricane, who had been stuck in the hospital for four days, with little food or water. The reporter urged her to blame someone for what had happened, but instead she clearly said that if you have faith in God, you can get through anything. I said, ‘Praise God’ to the TV!

This past week my family talked about what we would take in our car if we had to suddenly leave our home because of a similar calamity. All we could come up with was our photographs—that’s all we would want. If we had our lives, that is all that really matters.

Calamities should shake us and lead us to ask, “What are we pursuing every day? What are we giving our lives to? Why am I working so hard to gain things that God says are only temporary?” We need to hear God’s voice by slowing down, and seeking His kingdom. We need to serve more, pray more, read more, evangelize more, fellowship more.

Tenth, we need to remember the sufferings of God’s Son.

When you suffer, don’t think that God doesn’t understand your pain. God has suffered in the person of His son. He suffered more than any person who has ever suffered, and I can say that because it wasn’t just physically, but He suffered the wrath of God for our sins.

Next, we need to place our hope in God alone.

We put our hope in so many things. We put our hope in houses, in cars, in jobs. And when a disaster comes and takes all those things away, we are reminded that the only proper place for our hope is in God alone. It’s true that we can put our love and joy in other people. God says that. But when it comes to hope, the Scripture says, hope in God alone. And the reason we can do that is because of what He promises to bring out of our sufferings. Romans 8:18 tells us, “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.”

And that leads me to my final point: We should desire heaven. When we suffer, we ought to think, God you never intended me to live forever on earth. When you start to get a longing in your heart for a world to come, for a city whose builder and maker is God, that’s good. No matter how much we suffer, how much we hurt, we know we have something to look forward to!

It was our first date. Zac was unusually cute in his plaid button-up with the sleeves casually rolled up, but it still did not occur to me that I could be eating across from the man I would eat with forever. We had met that summer at a camp where we both were counselors, the same camp where I had come face-to-face with Jesus a few years earlier. I remember cutting my chicken on that date. It was hard to eat because he kept asking me questions, but I was managing.

He asked me what I wanted most in life. It was a great first-date question.

I did not even have to think about it. At that point, my life had flipped toward God. He was incredibly real to me, so I naively but passionately said, “I just don’t want to be normal.”

I realize now that I’d been watching all the families I knew and, I am sure, feeling like a hippie felt in the 60s. I wanted something radical. I had no idea what, but something not normal. I wanted more. Well, Zac loved my answer and drove back up 11 hours to see me again a few weeks later. I married that cute boy, and we started trying to build our not-normal lives together.

Normal felt like a necessity

For a while we felt kind of different. We were young and passionate and adventurous until a few years passed and I took a pregnancy test, and then life changed. Normal felt like a necessity—a mortgage and health insurance and a safe house with a cute nursery. Normal started looking good.

Before our first son was born, we moved closer to family. As I sat with one of my friends from college who was also pregnant with her first, we talked about college and God. We talked about how passionate we had been, how single-mindedly sold out. I said, “I want to stay that way. I don’t want to get numb, and yet I feel myself caring so much more about what stroller to buy than about heaven.”

She replied, “I don’t think it will ever be like college again. We will always look back on those days as our most sold out.”

I was terrified she was right.

I knew that what was happening was common. As real life and responsibilities pressed in, I felt God being pressed out. Religion, church, and Bible study were all in place—but truly surrendered lives, the kind God could use anywhere and in any way He chose, had quickly turned into planned and calculated lives that focused on things like saving for a Suburban or minivan. But was that the way God planned for lives to be lived—people selling out to Him in college or at some point later, only to fondly look back on the glory days while they get on with their expected and ordinary lives?

There had to be more. But there wasn’t much time to think about it—I was due with our first baby and we were looking for our first house and choosing bedding for the nursery. And otherwise, all was well with my soul. To abandon normal seemed scary and uncomfortable, even unreasonable.

Couldn’t I have both? More of God and the life I wanted? I felt Him waiting while I headed into my own little experiment to try.

Lattes and lawns

Not long after we settled in our first house and the baby was born, I went walking with a sweet friend, Aimee, a new mom as well. We had grown up in similar ways, with most of our needs and even our desires met.

As we walked around the neighborhood, it became obvious that Aimee was worked up, even teary. She was broken about this new-found conviction she felt. She wanted more. She believed that her heart had become “entitled.” I was struck by the word. I was afraid I was about to come across the first roadblock in my plan … my plan to have it all and God too.

She talked about her expectations of a cute house, a safe school, and good friends. And while those weren’t bad things, she wondered if those expectations had come from God. Or were we just living, expecting all of it to be there for us? Had our hearts become demanding? If God did not give us and our kids a safe and comfortable life, was He holding out on us?

I knew she was right. Our first little house was located near my parents and only a few blocks from my best friends from college. The nursery was painted to match the bedding and my little baby boy had enough gear to care for five kids. I was on my way to the dream, but I felt the numb God-distance creeping in like a cancer. What if the things I thought He wanted for me, once again, were the very things keeping me from Him?

Before we go on, I should divulge just a little of our current life. I am sitting at my desk in a warm, lovely office in a home that we own—or at least that we make payments to eventually own. I am wearing a North Face fleece and I even have a real, live flower, a white orchid, on my desk—a luxury even in America. (We’ll see if I can keep it alive.) I am sipping Starbucks—the high-maintenance kind with multiple flavors and whipped cream—and outside sits a decent-sized SUV that requires a lot of gas. My kids have a Wii and a trampoline.

Surrender is a process for us. In the years since we completely gave ourselves over to God, our lives have changed drastically, but so far we have not moved and sold all we own and given the money to the poor.

I can’t talk about this subject without transparency. I can’t mislead you into thinking that in order to surrender to God completely you must sell all material possessions or houses or SUVs. But I do want to expose the protected bubble of expectations we have built. Money and a good latte protect us from a lot of things. It is too easy in this country for blessings to become rights, for stuff and money to become what calls the shots in our lives. And before we know it, God’s gifts have replaced God Himself.

But what is normal, really?

If we pull back from our culture for a moment, we realize that the majority of people are dying today because they do not have clean water to drink … while I am watering my grass so the neighbors won’t frown. And even those of us who are struggling to make ends meet—let’s say your family’s annual income is $30,000—are still in the top one percent of the world’s richest people.

Soon after Aimee and I walked together down the lane in front of my new house, I went home to my husband, who was climbing the corporate ladder with very little joy or passion, and told him I was willing to follow him and leave my family and the new painted nursery and my best friends … if God called us to something else. A few months later Zac came to me, feeling a tug to pursue ministry, and a few months after that the house was on the market.

I was certainly not willing to do anything for God back then, but I can say a lot died for me. It was another step in letting go—a step in dying to my picture of normal, my picture of a perfect nursery and a perfect life.

Little deaths always feel like big deaths until you let go. After you let go you wonder, What was the big deal?

A new normal

As my friend Aimee and I pushed our strollers outside my safe, comfy house, she was feeling discontent with a life spent pining for the perfect school and cute house in a safe neighborhood. She wanted more. She wanted to tell God she would give it all up for Him, for any life He had for her, rather than fighting for the normal one she’d wanted. At the time she had no picture of what it would be … just a prayer asking God to be God and her promise that she would follow.

Aimee and I talked recently while her husband and oldest daughter were in Haiti helping with recovery efforts. We talked about God and life and giving ourselves away. She called me from Memphis, where they have helped start a church that is part of reconciling a racially divided city. They live in the inner city, hours from her family, with their three beautiful girls in a small house where gunshots can be heard fairly frequently. They don’t have the perfect school or house or really anything.

They are displaying the gospel, and there is nothing normal about their lives. And every time I get off the phone with her, all I want is to have nothing normal about our lives. She still bleeds God, and her life is being poured out on the neediest and the most broken. She traded entitlement for surrender, and God took her up on it.

What if heaven and God and forever became our normal?

Wouldn’t that change everything?

This article is excerpted from Jennie Allen’s latest book, Anything: The Prayer That Unlocked My God and My Soul (2012, Thomas Nelson). www.JennieAllen.com

I was surprised when Laura, my oldest child, wanted to take me to lunch. While at our favorite Mexican food restaurant, Laura and I made small talk, visited about the weather and school, and then she asked me how I was doing.

I gave my standard response: “I am fine.”

She was not satisfied with my answer, so she pressed me. I went on to tell her that I had been thinking a lot lately about losing both of my parents in a short period of time. I explained that work had been tough, and I did not feel like I had much control over my life. She seemed content with my response, so I breathed a sigh of relief.

Then she totally changed the subject. She asked if I was investing in anyone in a mentor/discipleship relationship. I told her I was spending time with a couple of guys at Pine Cove and another guy in Dallas. She asked if I was keeping up with some of the dads from Family Camp, and I told her I was.

Tears were brought to my eyes when she said, “I am so proud of you, Dad.” I beamed. My adult daughter was proud of me!

She went on to ask if anyone was investing in me. I mentioned a man, and she asked when I had last met with him. As it turns out, it had been almost 15 months. In a not-so-subtle way she said, “I don’t think that is much of a mentor relationship if you never meet with him. Dad, you cannot truly invest in someone else if no one is investing in you.”

After that statement, she asked me if I remembered an incident from earlier in the summer. “Dad, do you remember the problem we had with our lawn mower earlier this summer, when it quit working and you found all that gunk in the fuel filter?” I told her yes. She then asked if I remembered what the problem was. I said, “Yes, we went to get gas at a local gas station, and as it turns out, we were getting the dregs from the bottom of an empty gas tank.”

She went on, “Dad, you can’t give if your spiritual fuel tank is empty.”

I sat there speechless. She was absolutely correct. In many ways, I was giving those around me the gunk in my spiritual tank.

I thanked her for her wise counsel and then went back to work.

A few days later, I began to pray for who I would ask to mentor me. Two guys came to mind. I called the first, and he responded, “Why would you want to meet with me?”

I thought, Well, if you do not know why I would want to meet with you, then you’re probably not the one I should meet with.

So I called the next guy, and he was very excited to meet.

That was two years ago, and I cannot begin to tell you how much I have grown and how much more effective I have been able to minister to and mentor others.

After realizing my need for a mentor, I quizzed about 100 guys about the subject of mentoring. It was amazing to learn that out of those 100 guys, only 15 had someone investing in them and those 15 were each investing in another person.

Ironically, the Bible tells us to “‘Go therefore and make disciples …’” (Matthew 28:19a), yet the church leaders, pastors, and camp guys I quizzed were not involved in a discipleship relationship at all.

I asked a deeper question, “Why not?” I expected the issue to be time. Instead, the answer was an unwillingness to be that vulnerable with someone about what was going on in their lives. Additionally, many admitted it was spiritual pride.

All of us should find someone more mature in the Christian life to invest in us and likewise should find someone who is younger in the faith and impact them, too.

Swallow your pride and find someone to help you grow in your relationship with Jesus Christ.

I did—and it was great.

Mario Zandstra is president and CEO of Pine Cove Christian Camps, in Tyler, Texas

July 2006

I am moving quickly towards the ripe old age of 50. I am not afraid of 50, but I know that life is fleeting, and I have no control of time.

Also, my third child is likely going to leave for college in the next six weeks. Can you believe I will have three young adults in college at the same time? How in the world did that happen? It was not supposed to happen so quickly. There is no way I have enough money in the bank for this. It seems that I have lost control there, too.

My wife, Lynelle, and I had certain expectations for our lives by the time we were in our late 40s and early 50s, and, well, it just has not quite happened the way I suspected or maybe even hoped. These expectations were nothing major, but I cannot believe the lack of control I have over so many of my circumstances. Illness, bad back, death of parents … so many issues that I cannot control.

I have heard and read many things about midlife crises. I was actually wondering if I was in one. I have no desire to ditch my bride for a younger one, but a red convertible sure does sound fun.

I shared all that is going on with my mentor, David. His response was not as sensitive as I hoped. He suggested my problem was that I was a control freak. He said that I wanted to control my circumstances—how I age, how I relate to my kids, and even how things play out at work.

He was right. So, recognizing that I am a control freak and one that is in crisis, what do you suspect I decided to do about it?

I decided to try and take control of it.

I want to have it my way. All too often this happens at work, at home, at church, with my family, with my friends, and with the God of the universe. Unfortunately, God, being who He is, really likes us to do things on His terms—which, of course, goes totally against my desire for control.

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Blank contract

Two weeks ago, the speaker at one of our family camps, Dan Brenton, senior pastor at a church in Tuscaloosa, Ala., shared the following example that has to do with our desire to control our lives and how we approach God:

The idea is that in a modern day monarchy like Great Britain, the Parliament writes up a bill and votes on it. Before it is passed, they allow the Queen to sign it, or “rubber stamp” it. Her signature is nothing more than a ritual. She is powerless to stop the bill or to accelerate its acceptance. In fact, she would be foolish to not sign it because that would expose her inability to enforce her will on the process.

In many ways, this is how we approach God. We come to Him with our predetermined plans and agenda and we ask Him to rubber stamp our desire. We do not allow Him to give input because He is the God of our convenience! But God reminds us that He is not a modern day Monarch!

Dan went on to say that the way God desires for this to work is He gives us a blank sheet of paper or contract with no agenda and no real predetermined plan and has a space for us to sign it at the bottom. He asks us to trust Him. Once we sign the blank contract, He then fills in the blank space with His perfect will.

The concept seems so easy to me. But I even want to control how God moves in my life, though God cannot be controlled!

So now I have this unsigned piece of paper—this contract between God and me.

Then on Wednesday, my wife and I went to the book store, and while she was looking for some stuff for the kids, I decided to take my ADHD mind on a tour of titles in the Christian living section.

While I was looking, one book jumped out at me: Surrender, by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. I opened the book, sat in a big comfy chair, and began to read. What do you think one of the examples is that DeMoss gives in the book regarding our need to surrender control to God? You guessed it, the blank contract example I mentioned earlier. It could have been coincidence (which by the way was once defined as “God’s hand in the midst of time”) or it could have been God really speaking to me.

I read the entire book, and it was wonderfully painful. It confirms what you already know. I am a control freak. But DeMoss suggests that we do something about our self-centered, self-absorbed condition. We should surrender control to God.

A slap at my manhood?

I am a man. I do not ask for directions, and I do not surrender. Both of these actions would have me giving up control—almost a slap at my manhood.

I’ve even written a new hymn, “I Surrender Almost All”:

I surrender almost all, I surrender almost all.
Almost all to Jesus I surrender, I surrender almost all.

Where are you in this issue of control? Is it time to surrender?

My goals and my desires are to finish re-reading Surrender and to do the projects in the book and to actually surrender. I want to become, “Mario, formerly known as a control freak.”

I want to sing the hymn “I Surrender All” and really mean it.

Are you trusted by your friends? Are you reliable? Can others count on you? Do you want to know how to be an original in a culture of copycats? Do you want to be a part of a vanishing breed in today’s generation?

If so, then become a person who is faithful. You know, a person who follows through. One whom others can count on whether things are rough or smooth. His word is good on the little stuff as well as the mammoth, gargantuan tasks. He’s the kind of person who promises to call—and does so—on time. He says he’ll do it and he does it—exactly like you asked it to be done.

Are you known as a faithful person? If you are, then here are a few of the words that can be used to describe you: trustworthy, dependable, reliable, true-blue, and responsible. All of the names are saturated with one reoccurring theme: Character. Character quietly, yet convincingly, says, “You can count on me—at any cost!”

Being faithful with little

I sense in our society a growing feeling of entitlement, such as, “I deserve a promotion (without the process)” … “I deserve the position, prestige, and responsibility without having to pay the price and be faithful today.”

Many are on a career path, but few seem to be on a character path. All too frequently who we are is discarded upon the altar of ambition.

Today our oatmeal is ready to eat in 60 seconds, our prescription lenses are ready to be picked up in 60 minutes, and our house can be built in 60 days. We are a culture that is used to getting what we want instantly. We aren’t used to working patiently, or waiting on anything—even a hamburger.

Jesus taught, “He who is faithful in a very little thing is faithful also in much; and he who is unrighteous in a little thing is unrighteous also in much. If therefore you have not been faithful in the use of unrighteous riches, who will entrust the true riches to you?” (Luke 16:11).

What we want today is the much more without the very little. We want the tip without the toil, the gain without the grind, the sweets without the sweat, the prize without the pain, and the perks without the perseverance. Today, duty, diligence, hard work, and attention to details are a rare commodity in any endeavor—whether it be at home, at work, or at church.

A sloppy generation

Could it be that we are chasing after the wrong thing? Do we want to have it our way regardless of what it costs us? Could it be that faithfulness at home is shredded by the pursuit of just one more dollar at work?

We’ve become a sloppy generation with all kinds of cover-ups for the unfaithful. Like, “It just fell through the cracks!” (Some today seem to have a pretty broad measurement of the cracks!) Or, “I just forgot—are you sure the deadline was yesterday?” My favorite is “I didn’t have time.” Better stated, “Other priorities were chosen before your thing got done.”

I struggle with being faithful in little too. Confession may be good for the soul, but it’s bad for the reputation!

Some things to consider

You might be asking, “I agree with you, but how do I know if I am viewed as a faithful person by others?” Perhaps the following questions would be good for you to consider:

Do others constantly have to remind you to get things done? Do you habitually forget to follow through?
What does your word mean to you? Is it a premium seal that secures the deal? Or is it a flimsy wrapper that can be taken off and thrown away with ease?
Do you return your phone calls?
Do your children believe you when you promise to do something with them?
If you promise you’ll be home, do you call if you’re going to be late? Deadlines are missed occasionally—things do derail us unexpectedly—a call or a note that the deadline is going to be missed places value on the other person’s expectation and lets them know you are responsible and can be trusted.

Maybe you are faithful—a cut above the herd, but I’ll bet you work near others who could use a double dose of faithfulness. What if suddenly we had a dramatic rash of people falling all over one another trying to be faithful in the little things in their work? Do you think excellence would be a mere myth?

Passing on faithfulness

What would happen in our homes if there was an epidemic of husbands and wives infected with being faithful in the little things in their relationship with each other, their children, and their parents? What if we really did do what we promised one another? And what would happen to the next generation if we trained our children to be faithful in little as well as to be intelligent and athletic? Are we raising a generation of children that will embrace selfish pursuits or faithfulness? If they don’t learn to be faithful from you then what kind of leaders, workers, husbands and wives, and fathers and mothers will they make? And if you don’t teach them, who will?

And what do you think would be the impact of Christians on society if they replaced faithfulness and obedience toward God in the place of compromise and unfaithfulness? Perhaps the salt would become truly “salty” again.

The world’s values

But our values are all fouled up and sticky with the things the world values. Do we admire the man who is successful or faithful? Do we give awards for production or for trustworthiness? Are moms honored for slugging it out in the trenches and raising a family or do we sling a little dirt on the occupation by always talking about the women who are making it “big time” in the business world?

Since Jesus said that “the much more” depended upon our faithfulness, then why not join a growing number of Christians who are giving faithfulness the standing ovation it deserves. How about cheering your family members on for:

a faithful act that was performed when no one was apparently watching.
your husband who was honest in preparing your income tax returns.
a mother who is faithfully taking the time to rear the next generation (so much of her work is unseen and unappreciated by others).
a child who tells the truth instead of lying even though the consequences are painful.

Stepping stone

How do you view the details? As picky things to be ignored or that get in your way? Or as a stepping stone to receiving the true riches of the kingdom?

Value. Character. Faithfulness.

As Chuck Swindoll says, “It’s never too late to start doing what is right.”

Want much more? Then do the little—faithfully.

The first time I took a personality test was in college. It was the Meyers-Briggs, a well-researched measuring tool that groups respondents into 16 personality types based on their answers to 94 questions. I couldn’t wait to get the results, and if you’ve ever taken a personality test I’m guessing you felt the same way. We love those tests because they tell us about our favorite subject: ourselves.

The results of my test were clear, placing me in a category that probably would not have surprised anyone who knew me. How I felt about the results was less clear. On the one hand, I loved gaining insight into how my preferences and judgments shaped my responses to the world around me. On the other hand, I was a little deflated to learn how predictable I was. How could a set of unremarkable questions so easily sort me into the correct bin? And why were there so few bins? Come to think of it, why were there bins at all? My perception of my own uniqueness, my “specialness,” felt a little dented. Not only that, but the test assessed not just my strengths but also my weaknesses. I felt exposed. If the test could diagnose my shortcomings that readily, it seemed likely that everyone I knew could as well.

We humans want to think we are incomprehensible

The premise of the Meyers-Briggs, and of all other personality tests, is that behaviors and preferences can be generalized. They find order in what we perceive to be random combinations of preferences and judgments. And they challenge our treasured belief that we are complex creatures. I believe they also point out how unlike God we are in a way we find unsettling: We humans want to think we are incomprehensible—unable to be fully understood—but we’re not.

We are knowable. Completely.

But not by a personality test or by another person. Other people can gain insight into our strengths and weaknesses, our virtues and vices, by means of observation or by a tool like the Meyers-Briggs, but they can’t know us fully. One reason this is true is because we are masters at concealment, even from those we love and trust. We excel at showing our finer qualities while carefully tucking away our shortcomings. And because other people have a limited interest in plumbing the depths of our character, we can get away with it. “Man looks on the outward appearance,” and is content to do so, being so typically intent on his own hidden issues that he has little time to concern himself with the hidden issues of his neighbor.

No, our neighbor cannot fully know us, but far more concerning is that we do not and cannot fully know ourselves. One of the most frightening truths the Bible implores us to acknowledge is that we do not know our own hearts. Reflecting on this, the psalmist asks, “Who can discern his [own] errors?” (Ps. 19:12). The prophet Jeremiah warns that our hearts are characterized above all else by an internal, pervasive treachery that thwarts self-knowledge: “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” (Jer. 17:9)

We don’t know our own hearts. I am keenly aware of this truth every time I hear a sermon on the subject of sin. As the preacher warms to his topic about sin X, I begin compiling a mental list of all the people I know who need to hear this message and repent. I cull through lists of those who have offended me with sin X, plotting about how I can off-handedly relate the wisdom of this sermon to them and give sight to the blind. But how rarely, how belatedly does it occur to me that the message was for me? So unaware am I of my own sinful tendencies that I come to the sermon to sit in judgment on others, rather than to submit myself to judgment. So ignorant am I of my own bondage to sin X that I completely miss the word of correction being graciously extended—to me.

Knowable and known

I want to believe I am the special case, the exception to every rule, the possessor of an extenuating circumstance that others are not aware of. When correction is offered to me, I tell myself that it is offered in error. If people really knew me, they would know that they are wrong to find fault. And my deceitful heart is happy to perpetuate this lie all the days of my life. Thank God, He allows no such thing. He graciously holds up the mirror of His Word, and my heart is laid bare. I am reminded that I am fully knowable, fully known.

God is not only an expert on God. He is also an expert on me.

O LORD, you have searched me and known me! You discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O LORD, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it. (Psalm 139:1-6)

He knows me fully—every thought and every intention, every perception and every judgment, every response to the world around me, no personality test required. He understands my biggest strengths and my besetting sins. Even the temptations I face are so known to Him that He calls them “common to man” (1 Cor. 10:13). Apprehending with complete accuracy the best and the worst of me, He is neither impressed nor horrified. He accepts me as I am because of Christ. Nothing is hidden before the One who formed my inmost being, and because I am fully known, I am fully free to love the God I know only in part. Though I do not know Him fully, what little I do know is cause for the deepest love the human heart can produce.

And out of this love, I learn to trade the myth of human incomprehensibility for the mercy of human knowability. I learn to trust the expertise of God.

Divine expertise

No, I am not an expert on my neighbor. Only God is. It may feel good to be quick to diagnose my neighbor’s faults and prescribe a course of treatment, but my desperately wicked heart deceives me with the lie that I have any skill to do so. Recognizing this should help me walk in compassion toward those around me.

Rather than assuming I understand their motives and their difficulties, I can assume that neither I nor they can fully diagnose the problem. But God can. And then I can be quick to intercede for them instead of to judge. If I am fully known and not rejected by God, how much more ought I to extend grace to my neighbor, whom I know only in part?

No, I am not an expert on myself. Only God is. His Word gives a true diagnosis of my state, expertly shepherding my thoughts and intentions toward the path of life. Recognizing this should help me remain keenly aware of my propensity to believe my own self-promoting version of who I am. I must remember that the sermon has a word of correction for me before I look to apply it to someone else.

And no, I am not an expert on God. Only God is. Such knowledge should cause me to worship. The depths of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God should bring me to my knees. His unsearchable judgments and inscrutable ways should inspire right reverence. And the glorious fact that he makes Himself known in ways my finite understanding can grasp should cause me to celebrate, to devote my life to the joyful duty of discovering what He has made known of Himself.

He reveals Himself to those who seek Him, and in seeing who He is, we see ourselves more clearly.

Listen to Jen Wilkin talk about the attributes of God on FamilyLife Today®.

It takes courage to confess and repent of sin. It takes courage to keep your wedding vows and uphold your biblical roles in the family. And it takes courage to raise godly children in the midst of a godless culture. When every voice around you screams, “COMPROMISE!” “SURRENDER!” “TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT!”, it takes courage to stand for the truth of God’s Word.

In the early 1970s, the Iraqi government arrested a group of American students on trumped-up espionage charges. The wicked regime of Saddam Hussein wanted confessions, and to elicit the desired admissions of guilt, they began torturing the students.

The prisoners were told that if they confessed, they could go free.

“Compromise the truth.” “Admit to a falsehood.”

The promise of freedom became irresistible.

One by one, as the pressures and the pain mounted, every prisoner confessed to crimes he didn’t commit. Every prisoner except one.

For this one man, the torture intensified. The loneliness of isolation became unbearable. He came close to breaking.

Recounting his friend’s story in The Wall Street Journal, Mark Helprin writes,

“Then they announced that they were finished with his case, that he could simply confess or die. A confession lay before him as they raised a pistol to his head,cocked the hammer, and started a count down. He had heard executions from his cell. ‘Sign your name,’ he was told, ‘and you will live.’ But he refused. He closed his eyes, grimaced, and prepared to die. They pulled the trigger. When he heard the click he thought he was dead. The gun, however, had not been loaded.”

Helprin’s friend was eventually released. He discovered afterwards that every other prisoner who had confessed was hanged in the public square.

Only he survived.

The consequences of moral failure

The moral of the story is clear: Compromise represents a far greater risk than courage. As difficult as it is to stand for truth, it is much harder to live with the consequences of moral failure.

Nearly 500 years ago, a disobedient church held a “gun” to the head of a simple Augustinian monk. Faced with the choice between capitulation or excommunication, Martin Luther spoke the words that changed the course of history. “My conscience is captive to the Word of God,” he said. “I cannot and will not recant anything, for to go against conscience is neither right nor safe. Here I stand. I can do no other. God help me.”

My friend, when every voice around you screams “COMPROMISE!” “SURRENDER!” “TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT!”; when marriage is hard and parenting is harder; when your wedding vows could easily be broken: STAND FOR THE TRUTH!

God will reward your faithfulness.

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1. A mentor speaks biblical truth.

2. A mentor models biblical principles.

3. A mentor should be past your life stage.

Finding a mentor

1. Be aware of the art of subtle touch.

2. Pretend you’re meeting up for a first date.

3. Give compliments that affirm each other’s masculinity or femininity.

4. Keep some extra margin in your life for lingering.

5. Women, cherish your inner beauty.

6. Men, try listening to or reading a book that inspires you or teaches you something new.

7. Laugh together whenever possible.

8. Make saying thank you a part of your daily habits.

9. Try being more open with your emotions, especially the positive or tender ones.

1. The Principle of First Response: The course of a conflict is not determined by the person who initiates, but by the person who responds.

2. The Principle of Physical Touch: It is difficult to sin against someone while you are tenderly touching him or her.

3. The Principle of Proper Timing: The success of a conversation can be maximized if the timing of the conversation is carefully chosen.

4. The Principle of Mirroring: Understanding can be enhanced if we measure it often throughout a conversation.

5. The Principle of Prayer: Success in communication is more likely when we invite God to be an active participant and guide.

The transformation never ends

Step One: Resolving conflict requires knowing, accepting, and adjusting to your differences.

Step Two: Resolving conflict requires defeating selfishness.

Step Three: Resolving conflict requires pursuing the other person.

Step Four: Resolving conflict requires loving confrontation.

Step Five: Resolving conflict requires forgiveness.

Step Six: Resolving conflict requires returning a blessing for an insult.

Our hope

Obstacles to romance

Three steps to romance

Romance requires commitment

The Rainey Rainbow Room

It takes time

1. A woman needs her man to minister to her spiritually.

2. A woman needs to feel safe and secure with her husband.

3. A woman needs to share intimate conversation with her husband.

4. A woman needs to receive a tender touch and hear gentle words from her husband.

5. A woman needs to be pursued and set apart by her man.

What husbands should remember about sex

What wives should remember about sex

Fleeing immorality

Clean, restored, and made new

But what if I don’t feel like having sex?

Think before you say no

My body is not mine alone

Nonnegotiable #1: Security

Nonnegotiable #2: Acceptance

Nonnegotiable #3: Emotional connection

Becoming passive

1. Be a leader.

Husbands who don’t get the message

A position of responsibility

2. Love your wife unconditionally.

3. Serve your wife.