Editor’s note, May 2015: In a recent FamilyLife contest, participants were asked, “What marriage do you most admire, and why?” Here’s a selection of their responses. For more, read “The Marriages We Admire.”
1. My former pastor and his wife … they are both with the Lord now. They had very different strengths but they always showed each other the utmost respect and love and were a testimony to me in my middle school years. It was very clear to everyone that they treasured each other.
2. My brother Tracy and his wife Kelsie. They married young, at 19 and 20, and I had doubts about their chances of a successful marriage, just based on their ages. They will be celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary in July and have 8 children. They are truly, to me, the epitome of what a marriage and family should be. Their selflessness and commitment to each other, their children, family, and friends it’s something we admire and aspire to!
3. I truly admire my parents’ marriage the most. They met when they were 21 and 24 and married within 6 weeks. I grew up seeing them go through extreme financial challenges but my mom only worked part-time jobs while we were at school so she could be home with us before and after school. I never saw them raise their voices to one another. There may have been times when I sensed they were unhappy about something but they did not let us see them fight. After we all graduated, got married and moved away, I saw their relationship become even sweeter and more loving. I hope that my husband and I can also find a deeper love for one another that will help our marriage become as strong as theirs.
4. My husband and I both admire our grandparents’ marriages. No matter what life threw at them, they stayed grounded in their faith and each other. They knew God had plans for them and their marriages and they tried to listen and follow. That is what we strive for in our marriage and life together with Christ.
5. I admire our parents’ marriages most. Our parents have stayed married through many years and many ups and downs. We know their lives behind the scenes. They have been wonderful examples to us on how to stay married. They don’t have marriage rules that I can tell but they taught us well by living their lives and honoring their spouses and the Lord.
6. Both of my parents are deceased, but their marriage is what I want my marriage to model. They loved each other til they died. They went on vacation by themselves once a year. They provided a great home to grow up in. As kids we had everything we needed so we could grow and thrive as adults.
7. I think I would choose my grandparents. They spent a lot of time at church together and working to share God’s love, but then they could fight like nobody’s business but then go to bed happy and contented. They enjoyed spending time with family and laughing. Playing games and things. When one died before the other they missed the other one immensely. They shared their happiness with each other and stayed together throughout life’s many challenges. Parkinsons disease and Alzheimer’s attacked each of them. But through all of that they loved each other and kept encouraging one another to heal and kick the diseases. Amazing to think about and miss them since they have been gone for 5 years. At least we have memories!
8. The answer to this question has changed many times for me over the years. What I used to think was an admirable quality in marriage is not what I think now. So if at this time having to pick one couple, it would be my son and his wife. They attended their first weekend to remember in February. They came to the weekend on the brink of filing for divorce and left with renewed love and hope. God is good !!
9. I admire our Pastor and his wife’s marriage the most. They are just real people. They have struggles and issues just like everyone else but they prioritize one another. Even in the midst of church life and ministry they take time most weeks for date night and for family night. They have nicknames for each other and when they are together you see the love and respect they have for one another. When he or she is on stage at church and the other is watching from the audience, there is such a look of love and admiration on their spouses face as they watch them. They have helped shape us into the spouses we are today by watching them and learning from them over the last twenty years. They are an example of the kind of marriage we want.
10. Chip and Theresa Ingram because of the blended family aspect and how he has let God work in him and through him with his step children. Also as a pastor his marriage has many serious demands, but the evidence in his series Effective Parenting in a Defective World is that they are successful at both launching their arrows and maintaining their bond with God and each other.
11. My parents – My mom is no longer living but while she was alive, I saw how my parents stuck by each other through all of life’s ups and downs. As my mom’s health failed, my dad stayed by her side. They modeled for my siblings and me what a marriage was supposed to function.
12. My parents. My father is in a state care facility five hours away from where we live because he has Alzheimers. She desperately wanted him closer, but because he had become so aggressive, my mom had no choice but to have him there. My mother faithfully has cared for him the last 5 years in their home until it got unmanageable this last Christmas. Now she drives to the facility every other week to visit him and make sure that he knows that he’s loved. Sometimes he remembers her and sometimes he does not. She also calls him often. They’ve been married for 40 years and have stood the test of time when the going is really tough.
13. We had a couple model a Christ centered marriage to us early in our marriage. They met with us and helped us set up a budget. He mentored my husband and she mentored me and showed us with their actions what it takes to have a healthy marriage that honors our Lord.
14. Walter & Melba Hooker, because God radiates through them. You can see the love & respect they have for each other. They put God first in everything together.
15. One of the most recent marriages I have really learned about has become my favorite. It is the story from the Bible about Boaz and Ruth. The thing that sticks out the most is the character they displayed. Ruth was honorable, humble and loyal. She left all that she knew and went into the unknown to take care of Naomi. Boaz was an honorable, humble man that displayed his faith to those in the fields. He took notice of Ruth’s servant heart and in return took care of her. They did things the right way it seems. Over time they fell in love with each other. Boaz even had to lay aside his pride and own desires to do what was right. He had to approach another man that had the first right to marry Ruth. Through it all they remained a man and a woman with true character and loved God first.
16. I know this may seem inappropriate here but after giving a great deal of thought to this question my answer is Dennis and Barbara Rainey. I didn’t have any good examples of a Godly marriage growing up so there wasn’t anyone modeling what I felt like God wanted for couples when it was close to time for me to get married. I started reading everything I could at our library in Bible College to help me out. Once I started reading the Family Life materials I discovered a kinship and have felt like I know Dennis and Barbara through their materials. I really appreciate the work they are doing.
17. The marriage I admire most is that of my in-laws. My father in law passed several years ago due to Alzheimer’s disease. They were high school sweethearts. As his disease progressed my mother in law would fill in the words where he could not, and she knew exactly what he needed even when he could not remember what it was. Once, when we took him out to shop for a gift for her, after he found the perfect Yankee Candle for her, he immediately wanted to go home. He wanted to be with her every moment possible as he drew closer to the end of his life on earth. The day before he died, she was sitting on the edge of his bed. Though he had not spoken an intelligible word for weeks nor had he been responsive for three days, his eyes opened, he pulled her close, she gave him a kiss and he patted her on the buttocks. It is a scene that I will never forget. I pray that my husband and I can be in such communion that no matter what happens to either of us, we always reach for the other.
18. Although I admire my parent’s marriage and they have set a very good example of marriage, my Aunt and Uncle come to mind because they have been a wonderful example of a loving marriage who put God first in their marriage and have drawn strength from their relationship with Christ. My Uncle passed away almost fifteen years ago and had suffered many years with debilitating arthritis before he later developed bladder cancer. My Aunt cared for him all those years without complaint, lovingly, and always put him first before herself. It was evident they loved each other very much and they still kept their sense of humor throughout his illnesses. During the tough times, she shared about her dependence on God and how she received strength to face the hard times from Him. They were both a great example of love.
19. The marriage I admire most is that of my buddy Paul. I can see his unconditional love, their communication, and their faithfullness to the Lord.
20. Our friends Rachel and Rudy Hernandez. They have always loved God so much and love each other in a special way in return. No matter what happens in their lives they are always smiling and trusting God’s plan. They have the same anniversary as us but have been married decades longer.
21. Wow, there are many. All are successful because of their faith and commitment to God. I think of George and Laura Bush, George and Barbara Bush, Ronald and Nancy Reagan, Billy and Ruth Graham, and Dennis and Barbara Rainey! But if I have to pick one, I would say Billy and Ruth Graham. We all know how dedicated Billy Graham was as an evangelist leading so many people to Christ. It takes God, good communications, and a strong commitment to keep a marriage like theirs strong for all those years. Ruth supported her husband but also took care of the children. She was a strong woman and together, with the Lord, they walked as one.
22. I admire those like Jim and Shirley Dobson. There are also Steve and Kathy Gallagher and Jeff and Rose Colon from Pure Life Ministries. In our local church there are Steve and Mary Lowenberg and Mit and Judy Williams.
23. There was a couple that is much older and they really had a great marriage. The husband has gone on to be with the Lord now, but they really did everything together. They served the Lord together and were very happy. She’ll always miss him.
24. Hard question to answer. Like my wife, I was raised in a broken home. I never had the opportunity to see the model of a healthy marriage. My wife and I had to re-learn how to approach marriage and relationship through the training I have received. And, over the years I have come to realize that marriages that look wonderful on to the outside world may not be so satisfying and joyful. So while I can’t give you a marriage I admire most, I can give you a relationship I admire most and that is God and His love for us. It is amazing that we have the unconditional love of our creator. It is a love that we do not desire but it also is a love that we can learn from. The best thing that my wife and I have done in our 16-year marriage is let God in. We have found Him to be a great support and comforter to us. And His presence is what helps us work around our “rough” edges.
25. The marriage I admire the most is my boss’s marriage. He and his wife had many years of conflict and divorce was imminent at times. He had a tendency to try to bull-doze her and control outcomes. She, on the hand, had very firm boundaries and wouldn’t budge. My boss chose to focus on what God wanted him to do to be a man of integrity, even when his wife refused to be intimate with him for an extended period of time and was very difficult to live with. My boss allowed God to transform his heart, even when it seemed his wife refused to change; and even if the marriage ultimately failed. He also stopped asking his wife to trust him. Instead, he focused on being trustworthy. In taking the pressure off his wife, and allowing God to work on him, his wife chose to let the Lord work on her heart and she re-engaged in the marriage. They are now enjoying an intimate and loving union and their story is an encouragement to many others with struggling marriages.
26. I admire my sister’s marriage the most. They demonstrate love, commitment, and sacrifice. They show me that it’s okay to have arguments because deep down they love each other.
27. I most admire my parents’ marriage. They started out very young, getting married at 19 and 17 years old, with a baby on the way. In December, they will be married for 40 years. (How amazing!) They have been through many, many struggles and joys through the years. They have held on tight to each other and to God when times were tough, and they have celebrated their joys together too. They have helped each other to grow and yet accepted each other unconditionally. After all this time, they truly are still “in love,” and their love is evident to anyone looking at them. They are best friends – enjoying their time together and sharing daily life. What a blessing to grow up in a household where these were my role-models! My parents’ love for each other, for their children, for their grandchildren, and for Christ are an inspiration!
28. Marti and Kalet Lieberman. They are an elderly couple who have been at this marriage thing for a long time. They’ve been through it all and have embraced every situation to make their relationship better…or as they say, to demonstrate the strength of their relationship. They remain playful, flirtatious and deeply committed to one another’s well-being and pleasure in life and we love being around them!
29. I admire my spiritual grandparent’s marriage. My godfather passed away several years ago, but I vividly remember the love that he had for his wife and I can still see how much she loves and misses him. Their marriage went the distance and lasted until death. I admire how they had different ways of communicating, but they both love the Lord with all of their hearts.
30. A couple at church that serve in the community and have a heart for the least of these.
31. The marriage I most admire are my friend’s Greg and Suzette marriage. They currently lead our weekly couple’s Bible study and they faithfully week in and week out open their home to our remarried couples group. They exemplify a God-loving couple who serve consistently together at church during weekend services in guest services and children’s programs and are willing to lead and reach out to others who do not know the Lord. When I grow up, I want to be just like them!
32. Our friends, Mac and Nicole. They are strong in their faith, they have persevered through many trials, and they seem to love each other very much.
33. At my Father’s passing in 2012, my parents had been married for fifty three years. Their life together wasn’t always picturesque; however, they were both Godly people and always had the faith that God would see them through and He did. My parents always took us to Church and led Godly, exemplary lives for me and my two siblings to follow. For my entire life, I have never had to wonder if my parents loved each other or were happy being married to one another. My mom has struggled since my Father stepped into Heaven but she relies on God’s promises that they will be together again. I pray every day that my children will see in their parents the daily love and devotion I saw in mine every day of their lives.
34. I don’t particularly have one certain couple that I admire. I look at couples all around me and listen to stories and hear them say “We been married for over 40+ years” and I think to myself, “WOW”…. you don’t find that much anymore and when you do you can see the love they have for one another and know that they at one point had struggles but persevered and held tight. I love to hear the older generation tell their tales of life and know that it can be done. I am a divorcee and so wish I could be one of those who could have said, “We been married for over 40+ years.” I know God created marriage to be a unity with Him and without Him it is a downhill battle.
35. I admire my brother-in-law, Paul, and his wife, Jody’s, marriage. They serve the Lord together, set a godly example for their two children, and love life together. I think that they set a great example for my wife and me on how we can sacrifice to serve God and raise up godly children, while still laughing and enjoying life.
36. I admire my sister and brother-in-law’s marriage. They have definitely had their ups and downs but they support each other constantly. They also feel comfortable communicating with each other over things they disagree on or are bothered by. I have always looked up to my sister, and I continue to look up to her and learn from her relationship with her husband. They made me realize that marriage is work and it is not easy. However, that doesn’t mean you weren’t meant to be married to each other, it just shows how much you love that person because you will work hard to stay in the relationship.
37. Sadly, I don’t know personally many marriages that fall in to this category—even within the church. I want to change that with our marriage starting now, and my prayer is to leave a different legacy for our children and grandchildren. One that shows a true biblical marriage—a role model marriage for them. Not perfect by any means, but one that models God’s plan for marriage as best we can. There is one couple in our Bible study that has a strong, godly marriage. They’ve been married 50 some years, and they are open and vulnerable about their struggles along the way. They’ve kept God as the center, and have devoted these “senior” years to helping other couples. The wife, though strong willed and outspoken, maintains a true submissive attitude toward her husband, but does so without complaining or appearing to be a “doormat”. She’s a regal, well spoken, elegant, intelligent and strong woman—but allows her husband to lead. It’s beautiful. He, true to biblical teaching—loves her so much, just as Christ loves the church and treats her with kindness and gentleness, and never in a domineering manner. This is the marriage that I admire most.
38. My parents’ marriage is the one I admire most. As I remember my childhood, what sticks out is the love they showed each other every day. When Mom stayed at home, the first thing Dad would do when he came home from work was give Mom a hug, kiss and then spend 10-15 minutes alone together to reconnect before the evening ensued at being parents. Despite seven children presenting a multitude of challenges, they knew the most important relationship, the one on which all the others depended, was theirs as a couple. It was the best example for all of us to follow, and follow it we did. All of us have long standing, strong and loving marriages, directly contrasting the culture around us.
39. My parents’. They were best friends and modeled love, communication, faith, and compassion.
40. Richard and Jennifer Rogers because God is the center of all they do.
41. I most admire my wife’s former marriage to her deceased husband, Randy. They were married for around 30 years before he succumbed to cancer. He was a godly man, and they raised two great children, who have since bourn us grandchildren. My wife and her former husband together helped a lot of people to strengthen their relationship with Christ or come to Christ in the first place. I pray I can do as good a job as a husband and father as he did with my wife and his children, with my own two sons from my former marriage, while bringing all of us closer to Christ.
43. It would probably we ours because we firmly believe we are the foundation of future generations. (We both came from dysfunctional families.) To see the work He has done in our marriage is nothing short of a miracle. It is a living testimony to our children and grandchildren of the goodness and faithfulness of our God and how He blesses those who earnestly seek Him!
44. My Grandparents. They stayed together until the end.
45. The marriage I admire most is my parents. Early on in their marriage my dad was unfaithful. Now that I’m married and an adult, I have no idea how she stayed with him. I don’t believe I could have. But, God’s grace is bigger than us, and He had a divine plan to Romans 8:28 their marriage! My mom forgave my dad, forgave the other women, and loved my dad. I was the last one out of six to become a Christian, so watching this unfold in front of me made me love and respect my mom and dad more. … with God’s love inside of them, they repented and made their marriage thrive! My mom passed away right before their 42nd anniversary, but I’m telling you what, she left a legacy for all of us kids, that spoke, “You can do all things through Christ”. My parents’ marriage was one of commitment, covenant, and promise. I believe the road work has been paved for generations to come. There is so much more to write on this, but I know I’m limited, so I would like to end with, thank you God for unveiling your infinite love for us through my parents’ marriage! It has truly changed me from the inside out!
46. My aunt and uncle. Their marriage was centered around their faith and family. They did not have any easy life but had many friends and always seemed positive and happy.
47. My parents. They have been married 57 years. Last summer defined their marriage. We own a cabin next to their cabin. One morning I went down to their cabin in the morning. My parents were sitting by the table one with the Bible, the other with a daily devotion. They were spending time together growing closer to God. You can’t help but admire that!
48. Any elderly couple that is walking together, laughing and holding hands.
49. There are so few good examples of good marriages. The one that stands out as one to admire is my in-laws. This past year they celebrated their 50th anniversary. In the 28 years I’ve known them I have seen them take a huge risk to start a business, even when their marriage was rocky, at best. They were very successful and amassed a significant fortune, only to see most of that wiped out with the failing economy. Also in the midst of this time, they lost their youngest son to a very aggressive brain tumor. The stress of losing a child to a horrible illness nearly tore the family apart, but their commitment kept them together. I have seen both of them put their focus on Jesus, and while they are still far from perfect, they demonstrate what happens when you focus on what is truly important and not on your current circumstances.
50. I think the marriage I admire most is my parents’. It is obviously the one I’ve seen the most up-close having spent the first 21 years of my life living with them and watching them day by day. Growing up I didn’t really think a lot about their marriage other than to be glad they were married and not divorced, but now that I’m an adult and have been married 11 years I have a much different perspective and appreciation for their marriage.
I’m the third of eight children and my mom homeschooled us while my dad worked from a home office as a salesman. I admire them because they approach their marriage and family so selflessly and sacrificially. I admire them because they jointly have embraced God’s calling on their lives to have a large family and raise us in a God-fearing way. Obviously, my up-close view of their marriage means I’m aware that it isn’t perfect, just like every marriage. But I greatly admire and respect them for the fact that they have always put such a strong priority on family time and helping our family to be close.
I think that process started with their understanding that the strongest bond two people can have is Christ, so they prayed for their children and taught us the Bible in hopes that we would all come to know the Lord as they do. Next I think they understood that if the parents have a strong bond then it sets the tone for the rest of the family, so they took getaways together and made it very clear that they are unreservedly, wholeheartedly committed to each other. Finally, they always emphasized togetherness and a team atmosphere for all of us kids.
The proof of their success is that by God’s grace all of their children are walking with Him, and even though we are such a large family (23 altogether now with 3 spouses and 10 grandchildren having been added so far) we are a very close group. So much so that if any part of the group is missing it seems like we are incomplete …
I realize I went a little into my admiration for them as parents, but even their parenting started with their marriage and building it on the rock of Christ and then continuing to seek to keep it strong so that they together can accomplish those things that the Lord is calling them to do. That is my prayer for my marriage—that as a couple we would push each other closer to the Lord and together accomplish great things for Him.
Two days a week I enter a nearby state prison.
I pass through a metal detector, three sets of electric gates, and the interior chain-link and razor-wire fence.I watch as the inmates emerge from their dorms after the morning head count, staying single-file between painted lines.
Medically able inmates head to jobs in the laundry, kitchen, or doing prison maintenance. Some are assigned vocational or educational classes, substance abuse programs, or behavioral programs about parenting or anger management.
And then there are the chapel programs.
Prisoners file into the chapel where Promise Keepers praise music plays in the background. They are here to watch this week’s session of Stepping Up®, a 10-week video series on courageous biblical manhood.
As the video ends, the men break up into discussion groups. Sometimes there are 50 men present, sometimes 20, but those who come are riveted to the men on screen, talking about what it means to be a good father and husband, and a godly leader.
Prison isn’t a safe place for men to be vulnerable. Inmates keep their guard up. Trust comes slowly, especially for those inside for the first time.And yet our discussions are characterized by men sharing stories of painful lives and challenging backgrounds. Many of the concepts communicated in Stepping Up are new to them, but they resonate immediately.
“I thought I’d been a good father because I provided financially,” one inmate says. “These videos have shown me just how wrong I was. Now I know how to change that with my 17-year-old daughter, if it’s not too late.”
Session Four features a Christian inmate who found a similar video in his prison’s library. He hosted showings of it. Over a 10-year period, God used him to touch the lives of hundreds of inmates, changing the atmosphere of a whole prison.
After watching that story, a small, wiry tattooed inmate said, “I’ve always heard about a relationship with Christ, but I’ve never known how to start that.” Two spiritually mature inmates tell him how, before helping him decide to start that relationship there and then.
A young inmate, days away from completing his term, asks, “Where can I order this course? I want to start showing this to other men in the church I’ll be involved in.”
“I can actually thank God for prison,” says another inmate. “If I weren’t in here, I never would have gotten involved in programs like this, and they’ve changed my life.”
In Matthew 25, Jesus says, “I was in prison, and you came to visit Me’ … whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of Mine, you did for Me.”
Author and speaker Dennis Rainey, who hosts the Stepping Up videos, was told by a former prisoner, “Inmates are the lepers of our day. They feel devalued, they feel forgotten, they feel shunned.”
One of the inmates I know recently told me, “For those of us without family and friends nearby, you coming in here regularly is a tangible expression of God’s love to us.”
That’s why time inside my local prison has become the highlight of my week.
Alvin York (1887-1964) was one of the great American heroes of World War I. He went from a poor, backwoods Tennessee boy to a national celebrity almost overnight. After his heroics in the war, the offers for movies, advertisements, and books poured in, but York turned them all down. He never sought the spotlight or fame. He served his country and went home to help his community.
Alvin Cullum York was born in a two-room log cabin near Pall Mall, Tennessee, on December 13, 1887, the third of eleven children. The York family was anything but wealthy. Alvin’s father, William, worked as a blacksmith to provide for the family. Alvin and his brothers would gather and harvest their own food, while their mother knit all the family clothing.
The York sons could only attend school a total of nine months before they were forced to withdraw from school and help sustain the family farm and hunt small game to feed the family. Naturally, guns were a major part of the Yorks’ livelihood. Hunting was more of a necessity than a sport in the mountains, and Alvin quickly acquired a reputation as the best marksman and hunter in the county. Shooting matches were popular in Fentress County, Tennessee, and Alvin often outshot all his opponents.
When Alvin was only 24 years old, his father passed away. Being the oldest remaining son at home, Alvin was left to help his mother raise his younger siblings. So he took a job on a railroad construction crew and another working as a logger. It wasn’t long before the hard work and pressure began to affect Alvin. In the few years building up to World War I, he became a violent alcoholic who often fought in saloons and was arrested several times. In his own words, he was “hog-wild.”
Alvin’s mother, a devout Protestant, tried her hardest to persuade Alvin to repent and change his ways. Sadly, her pleas fell on deaf ears until one unfortunate night. In the winter of 1914, Alvin and his friend Everett Delk got in a fight with other saloon patrons after an evening of heavy drinking. The incident ended with Delk beaten to death inside the saloon. The event was painful enough for Alvin that he finally followed his mother’s advice and became a pacifist and stopped drinking alcohol. He was baptized as a Christian in the Wolf River in early 1915.
Having completely changed his ways, York later wrote, “I am a great deal like Paul [the apostle], the things I once loved I now hate.”
Only two years after his conversion, Alvin York was drafted into the United States Army to serve in World War I. Being a Bible-believing pacifist but also a proud patriot and supporter of his country, York was torn over his proper duty in the war. At first he tried to get an exemption based on his religious convictions. When he registered for the draft, he answered the question, “Do you claim exemption from draft (specify grounds)?” by writing, “Yes. Don’t Want To Fight.”
York filed four appeals on religious grounds; all were rejected. Still wrestling in his mind over the virtue of war, he was miserable during his first weeks of military service. He remained silent about his uncertainties until he found out he would be assigned to a combat unit headed to Europe. His company commander sent him to see battalion commander General George Edward Buxton. He and York spent hours discussing the Bible’s teachings about war.
Ultimately, Buxton gave him a 10-day pass to return home and think things through. Buxton agreed to discharge him if he hadn’t changed his mind by the time he returned.
York spent two days in the Tennessee mountains soul searching and asking for God’s wisdom. One biblical verse in particular weighed heavily on his heart: “Blessed are the peacemakers.” Gradually, York came to the epiphany that the only way to keep peace in this world would be to engage the Germans on the terms they understood—war.
York returned to duty in April 1918, and shortly afterward his division set sail for France. In late June, they were commissioned to serve on the Western Front. Life in the trenches was anything but comfortable. Bullets constantly whizzed overhead, bombs dropped from above, and you never knew when the enemy would charge your trench without warning. In his off hours, York read his Bible. In his diary he wrote, “The only thing to do was to pray and trust God.”
On October 8, 1918, York’s division was part of the Meuse-Argonne Offensive in northeast France. After his regiment was pinned down by enemy machine-gun fire, York spearheaded a seven-man unit designed to silence the machine guns and allow the regiment to push forward. His squad had already taken two casualties when York found himself face-to-face with a German machine-gun company with just a rifle and a pistol.
Using his rifle, York picked off any Germans who popped their heads above the trenches. Then, when six Germans rushed him with bayonets, he grabbed his pistol and killed all six. He quickly positioned himself at the end of the German trench and began mowing down Germans as they stood in line. When the dust settled and the fight ended, 25 Germans were dead. Stunned and scared, the remaining 132 Germans surrendered to York and his unit.
Describing the fight in his diary, York said,
There were over 30 of them in continuous action, and all I could do was touch the Germans off just as fast as I could. I was sharpshooting. I don’t think I missed a shot. It was no time to miss. In order to sight me or to swing their machine guns on me, the Germans had to show their heads above the trench, and every time I saw a head I just touched it off. All the time I kept yelling at them to come down. I didn’t want to kill any more than I had to. But it was they or I. And I was giving them the best I had. (Sergeant York Patriotic Foundation: “Sgt. Alvin C. York’s Diary: October 8, 1918”)
York’s heroics elevated him to the heights of an American hero. He was later promoted to sergeant and received the Congressional Medal of Honor along with 50 other decorations and honors. When he returned to the United States, York was offered hundreds of thousands of dollars for endorsements, newspaper articles, and movie roles. Being the simple Tennessee man that he was, York wrote, “They offered so much money that it almost takened my breath away.”
In the end, York refused the money and returned home to Tennessee. Looking beyond himself and his own personal gains, he believed God had chosen him to “bring the benefits of an industrial society to his neighbors … [and that] the war had been part of God’s plan to prepare him for a life of service [to his neighbors].” He said, “My ambition … is to devote my time improving conditions here in the mountains.”
Fentress County had no full-time elementary school. His people lacked well-built roads, schools, libraries, homes, and modern farming techniques. To raise the standard of living in the Tennessee mountains, York set up the Alvin C. York Foundation to improve education with an elementary school, an industrial school, and a Bible school. In 1929, the York Agricultural Institute opened its doors to provide vocational training. Of all his accomplishments, York considered this to be his greatest.
I don’t think you will ever really get this. I’ve been trying for well over 20 years, and I don’t have it down.
But you need to start somewhere, so here it is: You need to communicate with your wife by learning to shut up.
The things that you’ve talked about in the past will not be sufficient for your future together. The landscape has changed and new topics are coming. I want to emphasize that from now on, expect “talking” to be unfairly weighted to her subjects.
This new form of communication will be enriching to her as she gets to talk in journalistic detail about everything your new life together entails.
You will be longing to tell her about your latest fantasy football pick. She will want to speculate on the new neighbors, relate an obscure childhood story of little relevance, or plan your fiftieth anniversary.
You will be yearning to tell her about the riding mower you sat on at Home Depot last Saturday. She will need to share a brand-new fear she has that no one in the history of rational thought has ever had.
You will be dying to jump in and attempt to fix whatever issue she wants to talk through. Simply shut up. She will be bonding while she is talking. The smart husband will—and I know you will not get this any easier than I have—get her to talk more.
Ask essay questions. I know the news is about to start, Monday night football looms on the horizon, your boss was in rare form, and the checkbook needs mouth-to-mouth resuscitation—but start to ask questions.
Don’t try to fix anything, because it’s not broken. At worst it’s healing. You don’t fix a bruise or cut; you nurse it. Your wife’s need to be heard is her way of letting you be the caretaker and confidante her mother and friends used to be. You are the go-to guy now, the first stop on the list. She may still need to talk to her mother or friends. Just don’t force her to go to them because you didn’t give her the time she needed.
James, the Lord’s brother, has some great advice for us: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires” (James 1:19, 20). Wise King Solomon knew something about this as well. He said, “Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish” (Proverbs 18:13, NLT).
For most of us guys, listening is not one of our strengths. We tend not to value it as much as we should. Often we are busy formulating our response to something that has just happened or been said.
I love the Bible story from Judges 13:19-23. It deals with Manoah and his wife, who were the parents of Samson, the strongman. Upon seeing an angel that had appeared to his wife to foretell the future of Samson, Manoah sacrificed a young goat and brought a grain offering. Then this happened:
As the flame blazed up from the altar toward heaven, the angel of the Lord ascended in the flame. Seeing this, Manoah and his wife fell with their faces to the ground. When the angel of the Lord did not show himself again to Manoah and his wife, Manoah realized that it was the angel of the Lord.
“We are doomed to die!” he said to his wife. “We have seen God!”
But his wife answered, “If the Lord has meant to kill us, he would not have accepted a burnt offering and grain offering from our hands, nor shown us all these things or now told us this.”
Manoah started off honoring God, but his faith faltered, and he needed his wife to sort out his thinking. Rather than process what had just happened, he felt compelled to verbally respond—and he missed what should have been obvious.
See what you learn when you listen?
Don’t get discouraged by thinking that active listening is an Olympic tryout. Your wife is your covenant partner, not an inconvenience. You are doing more than just talking; you’re forging your collective identity, you’re learning to communicate love, and you’re learning what it means to be in partnership. And it might really improve your character development to listen to a creature so different and yet designed to be your suitable helper.
We are often asked, “What are some practical things parents can do to protect their children from sexual abuse?” Here are nine suggestions for guarding children.
1. Explain to your children that God made their body. An explanation can look something like, “Every part of your body is good, and some parts of your body are private.”
2. Teach proper names of private body parts. It might be uncomfortable at first, but use the proper names of body parts. Children need to know the proper names for their genitals. This knowledge gives children correct language for understanding their bodies, for asking questions that need to be asked, and for telling about any behavior that could lead to sexual abuse.
Clearly identify for your child which parts of their anatomy are private. Explain to your child that “some places on your body should never be touched by other people—except when you need help in the bathroom, are getting dressed, or when you go to the doctor.” You can do this with young children during bath time or have your child dress in a bathing suit and show them that all areas covered by a bathing suit are “private.” The bathing suit analogy can be a bit misleading because it fails to mention that other parts of the body can be touched inappropriately (like mouth, legs, neck, arms), but it is a good start for little ones to understand the concept of private parts.
3. Invite your child’s communication. Let your child know they can tell you if anyone touches them in the private areas or in any way that makes them feel uncomfortable (even areas not covered by the bathing suit), no matter who the person is, or what the person says to them. Assure your child they will not be in trouble if they tell you they’ve been touched inappropriately; rather, you will be proud of them for telling you and will help them through the situation.
4. Talk about touches. Be clear with adults and children about the difference between touch that is okay and touch that is inappropriate. To your child say something like: “Most of the time you like to be hugged, snuggled, tickled, and kissed, but sometimes you don’t and that’s okay. Let me know if anyone—family member, friend, or anyone else—touches you or talks to you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable.”
Teach little ones how to say “Stop,” “All done,” and “No more.” You can reiterate this by stopping immediately when your child expresses that they are all done with the hugging or tickling. Your reaction is noteworthy for them as it demonstrates they have control over their bodies and desires.
If there are extended family members who may have a hard time understanding your family boundaries, you can explain that you are helping your children understand their ability to say no to unwanted touch, which will help them if anyone ever tries to hurt them. For example, if your child does not want to kiss Grandpa, let them give a high five or handshake instead.
5. Don’t ask your child to maintain your emotions. Without thinking, we sometimes ask a child something along the lines of, “I’m sad, can I have a hug?” While this may be innocent in intent, it sets up the child to feel responsible for your emotions and state of being: “Mom is sad . . . I need to cheer her up.” If someone wanted to abuse a child they might use similar language to have the child “help” them feel better and the child might rationalize it as acceptable if this is something they do innocently with you.
6. Throw out the word “secret.” Explain the difference between a secret and a surprise. Surprises are joyful and generate excitement, because in just a little while something will be unveiled that will bring great delight. Secrets, in contrast, cause isolation and exclusion. When it becomes customary to keep secrets with just one individual, children are more susceptible to abuse. Perpetrators frequently ask their victims to keep things secret just between them.
7. Clarify rules for playing “doctor.” Playing doctor can turn body parts into a game. If children want to play doctor, you can redirect this game by suggesting using dolls and stuffed animals as patients instead of their own body. This way they can still use their doctor tools, but to fix and take care of their toys. It may take some time for them to make the shift, but just remind them gently that we don’t play games, like doctor, with our bodies. If you find your child exploring his or her own body with another child, calmly address the situation and set clear boundaries by saying, “It looks like you and your friend are comparing your bodies. Put on your clothes. And remember, even though it feels good to take our clothes off, we keep our clothes on when playing.”*
8. Identify whom to trust. Talk with your kids about whom you and they trust. Then give them permission to talk with these trustworthy adults whenever they feel scared, uncomfortable, or confused about someone’s behavior toward them.
9. Report suspected abuse immediately. You’ve read these steps, now consider yourself an advocate against childhood sexual abuse. Report anything you know or suspect might be sexual abuse. If you don’t, it’s possible no one else will.
* This post summarizes some portions of tip sheets from Stop It Now!, including dialogue.
With apologies to Edmund Burke, “The only thing necessary for predatory men to triumph is that good men and women say nothing.”
Last October, the long, uncomfortable silence was broken on sexual harassment and abuse in the workplace. After The New York Times detailed three decades of sexual harassment allegations against movie producer Harvey Weinstein, the floodgates opened and other women began to come forward with their own personal stories about Weinstein and others in Hollywood.
As more victims spoke out, it became clear that this wasn’t just a Hollywood problem. Allegations against big name journalists and politicians, as well as those in the worlds of business and sports, became almost a daily occurrence.
Then women outside power circles began to speak up against sexual harassment and abuse. The #MeToo movement exploded as women everywhere chimed in to say that they too had been sexually harassed or assaulted at the hands of an employer, family member, or love interest.
Time magazine honored victims by naming “The Silence Breakers” as its “Person of the Year” for 2017. New allegations continue to appear regularly, and the media features these accusations more prominently than ever before.
It feels like something has shifted in our culture. Sexual harassment and assault, of course, have been an unfortunate part of human history. But the dynamics of culture and workplace power structures kept much of it hidden. That’s the way with sexual sin—or any sin, for that matter. Sin’s power thrives in silence, in darkness.
As Ephesians 5:11-14a tells us, “Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light.
Why has the problem gone unaddressed for so long, hidden in darkness? There are a number of reasons.
1. Many people over the years have excused sexual harassment in the workplace by rationalizing that “boys will be boys.” Some expect that males will act crudely because “that’s their nature.” In some cases, men who refuse to participate in the boorish behavior—or attempt to expose it—are ridiculed, dismissed, or become the target of retribution.
2. Offenders often do anything they can to cover up their sin. They will lie, they will manipulate friends and colleagues, and they will threaten or coerce victims to remain silent. Many women are threatened by their abusers—if they speak out, they’ll lose a job, a relationship, or their reputation. They’ve already been victimized once, and they’re afraid that bringing up the matter in public would open the wound afresh.
3. Institutions have covered up harassment and abuse claims. Sometimes they simply don’t believe the accusations. Or they’ll try to handle the situation on their own rather than reporting it to authorities. Sometimes they’ll silence victims to “protect the integrity” of the business, or school, or even church.
4. Many who have been sexually mistreated are fearful of speaking out. They think that they won’t be believed, or that they’ll be blamed for somehow bringing on the assault. Some put the blame on themselves, thinking they might have done something to bring about the situation that led to the abuse or harassment.
5. In some cases, women don’t speak out because they fear what might happen to the offender. In many cases of sexual misconduct, the offender has some type of relationship with the victim—a boss, a coworker, a family member, a significant other, a spouse. That’s one reason why many women remain inside abusive relationships. Fear of what will happen to others is also a huge factor when sexual impropriety occurs within a church or ministry. Speaking out would ruin a person in full-time Christian service and would put the church at the center of scandal.
All these factors worked to keep sinful behavior in the darkness, and it takes courage to expose that sin, to speak out in spite of how awkward and scary it must feel. This kind of behavior needs to be called out, and appropriate actions need to be taken against the offenders—not only for justice, but also as an example to others who might be inclined to use their power to take advantage of others sexually.
Men are often guilty of abusing their positions of authority or fame, or taking advantage of their greater physical strength, to act out sexually against women. That’s wrong on two levels. First, men should treat women with respect, not putting them in difficult, awkward, or compromising situations. Women shouldn’t be forced to choose between a promotion or personal integrity. And second, those in a position of power have a higher standard of responsibility and decorum. They should care for those under their charge and be examples to those who look up to them as role models.
Fruits of the sexual revolution?
Another issue to consider is the “sexual revolution” that began in the 1960s—the unmooring of sexuality and morality from its traditional, biblical foundations. Sex outside of marriage is so common in our culture that those who seek to remain pure until marriage are often considered oddballs.
“We know that God has designed sex as a respectful, intimate, physical, emotional, and spiritual bond between a husband and wife; it is for mutual pleasure and procreation inside the bonds of marriage,” says Bob Lepine, co-host of FamilyLife’s radio program, FamilyLife Today®. But as behavior changed and sexual images became so pervasive over the last few decades, “our culture today is so far away from God’s design for sexuality that we have come to think that the biblical standard is quaint or unrealistic anymore,” Lepine says.
What does this have to do with sexual harassment? Or sexual assault? You can build a strong argument that a culture permeated with sex will produce more people who abuse it. “Arguably, this culture has permitted men to behave even more shabbily toward women than the old mores did,” wrote Mona Charen in the National Review. “This may sound odd, but I think it’s true—even the sexual harassment has become grosser than it was a few decades ago.”
Peggy Noonan wrote in TheWall Street Journal, “Once you separate sex from its seriousness, once you separate it from its life-changing, life-giving potential, men will come to see it as just another want, a desire like any other. Once they think that, then they’ll see sexual violations as less serious, less charged, less full of water. They’ll be more able to rationalize.”
In this sex-saturated age, many young women feel they need to emulate the images and behavior of airbrushed models and celebrities to attract the attention of a man. Whatever admirable qualities she possesses, she is regarded more as a sexual object. Hollywood pushes this narrative in its films and television series, perhaps none so much as in the Fifty Shades franchise.
We live in a culture that desires sexual freedom, but this latest movement is demonstrating that too much freedom leads to unintended consequences.
It is ironic that the cultural discussion about sexual harassment and assault is occurring just as the final film in the Fifty Shades trilogy is about to hit the screens. Look for this discussion in the next article in this series. After that, we will talk about how followers of Christ can begin to make an impact on this issue.
He is powerful, manipulative, and controlling. He uses his position to take sexual advantage of young women looking to make a mark in their profession. And he’s not above stalking.
You may think I’m referring to Harvey Weinstein, the Hollywood producer who is accused of sexual harassment and abuse going back decades. Or perhaps other men of power who have lost their positions in the dramatic wave of harassment allegations over the last several months. But actually I’m describing Christian Grey, the debonair male lead character from the blockbuster Fifty Shades movie and book franchise.
The third and final installment in the film trilogy is set to open in theaters on Valentine’s weekend. Over their previous two Valentine’s Day releases, Fifty Shades of Grey and Fifty Shades Darker have brought in hundreds of millions of dollars, mainly due to the huge popularity of the books.
But this year feels different. In the wake of the #MeToo outcry against sexual mistreatment of women, will Fifty Shades Freed receive the same kind of reception?
Sexual exploitation
The books and films have sparked debate for years about the mainstreaming of content that many would consider pornographic. It begins with a college student, Anastasia Steele, landing an interview for her college newspaper with a young, rich, handsome business tycoon. His confidence attracts her, and he sets out to woo her—not for a romantic relationship but for violent sex involving bondage, dominance, sadism, and masochism.
As the series progresses, Christian fears losing Ana and proposes to her. Ultimately, she accepts and the two are married and eventually have children. Fans of the series claim that the “fairy tale” ending redeems the relationship. Never mind that in the third movie, Christian is still controlling, and becomes angry when he finds out Ana is pregnant because she’s stopped taking the birth control he’s demanded of her since their relationship began. Never mind that he’s still using her for rough and bizarre sex. After all, all’s well that ends well, right?
Will the latest film release sit well with the recent movement of women who refuse to be sexualized by predatory men? A few organizations are speaking out, but not many so far.
For years the National Center on Sexual Exploitation (NCOSE) has actively been calling attention to sex trafficking, sexual objectification, and the harmful effects of pornography. One of its latest projects is facing down Fifty Shades Freed.
In the numerous memes they have created for social media sharing, NCOSE points out that the central theme of the movie series runs counter to the focus of the #MeToo movement—calling out abusive men and empowering women. NCOSE features ads painting Christian Grey as a classic sexual abuser and Anastasia Steele as a classic victim.
It is also calling for a boycott of the film. One advertisement reads, “Put your money where women like Anastasia end up. Give to domestic violence shelters instead of going to the movies.”
Katherine Blakeman, director of communications for NCOSE, writes, “It is incredibly socially irresponsible to uphold Fifty Shades as mainstream entertainment, while at the same time we express our outrage at Harvey Weinstein and his ilk, and while we work to eradicate sexual harassment and assault…”
Liberated
Another film that recently debuted on Netflix in early February presents another take on our culture. Liberated is a video project that documents real-life events and practices that are traps for teens and young adults today, including the infamous spring break week in Panama City, Florida. According to the project’s website, the film’s main goal is to reveal the dangers of a society where sex sells, where women are expected to conform to an idealized sexual image, and where men are socialized to use women for sex.
Among the point people for this film is Brooke Axtell, who was sexually trafficked at age 7. As an adult, she began a relationship with a man that turned violent. She stayed in the relationship because she thought she could heal him. But unlike Anastasia Steele, she got out and got help after he threatened to kill her.
And in 2015, she told her personal story at the Grammy Awards ceremony and challenged women not to accept abuse in hope that romance might be just around the corner:
Authentic love does not devalue another human being. Authentic love does not silence, shame, or abuse. If you are in a relationship with someone who does not honor and respect you, I want you to know that you are worthy of love. Please reach out for help. Your voice will save you. Let it extend into the night. Let it part the darkness. Let it set you free to know who you truly are—valuable, beautiful, loved.
The makers of Liberated hope to bring attention to the alarming sexual exploitation that students expose themselves to in a hookup culture that normalizes violation.
“We believe Liberated will spark a national conversation about toxic sexual norms in our society, particularly among college students,” the filmmakers say.
It’s a conversation that needs to happen soon.
Sex as a consumer commodity
Brent McCracken, senior editor at The Gospel Coalition, points out that one of the greatest shapers of our culture—the entertainment industry—has long recognized that sex sells and has encouraged sexual voyeurism and sold sex as a consumer commodity. He points out that since the 1960s “the sexualization of Hollywood has led to one taboo after another being broken.” Two of the films nominated for the Best Picture Oscar this year are The Shape of Water, which includes a sex scene between a woman and an amphibious beast, and Call Me by My Name, about a romance between a man and a 17-year-old boy.
McCracken points out that there is already some talk in Hollywood of a major shift about sex in movies as a result of the recent outcry over sexual harassment. But he wonders whether it will really happen. “While it is certainly a good thing that systemic harassment and predatory sexual behavior are being called out and exposed, the reality is Hollywood has always been one of the chief purveyors of sex as commodity,” he writes.
In the first chapter of the Apostle Paul’s letter to the Roman Christians, he shows how rejecting God’s design, especially for sexuality, leads to increasingly demeaning acts (Romans 1:24-32). Looks a lot like what’s happening in our culture today. The promise of unbridled sexual freedom has failed to fulfill our souls. It’s showing itself to be an illusion.
As Christians, we know that God created sex and created us as social creatures with a desire to connect with others. He designed sex to be within the bonds of marriage and as a means for joint intimacy, not to fulfill selfish desire. And He’s created each of us in His image, and He instructs us to treat each other as an equally valuable creation.
Owen Strachan is a theology professor at Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and coauthor of The Grand Design: Male and Female He Made Them. In a recent article he writes:
Supposedly our “sex positive” age means happiness for all. But this is not how things are working out. Men are using women; women seem less liberated than ever before. Thankfully, people all around us are waking up in the wreckage of the sexual revolution. They are seeing that our sexualized culture has not made good on its promises.
As more people speak out against this sexual license and point out its negative effects, perhaps our culture will begin to look for a return to sanity, to simplicity, to purity.
Coming up in this series on sexual harassment: We’ll look at how we can begin to reclaim some of the ground we’ve ceded to the culture in the area of sexual conduct and interaction. And we’ll examine how we can model for our children, and the culture, behavior that reflects not hypocrisy but integrity, not abuse but honor. If you missed the first article in this series, read it here.
I don’t care if I sound mental to you, but I hear voices. They mock and threaten me. I’m not psychotic. I sometimes wonder if they are just an extension of myself, but there are times when the voices seem crueler than anything I have ever felt or done to someone else or myself. The only way to silence them is to do a little bit of what they ask, and then I feel quiet inside for a while. Then it all starts over again. —Participant in a recovery group
Our sexuality is so deeply intertwined with and expressive of our gender, our heart, our yearning for pleasure and for love—it is core to our being. When harm is done here, it is done in the depths of our existence, and our enemy seizes the opportunity to access dark strongholds within us. Those places of oppression tend to be among the deepest forms of oppression people experience, because evil has accessed wounding done to core parts of our soul. Our hope is that as those strongholds are broken, we can experience a healing and freedom otherwise impossible apart from God banishing the darkness and reclaiming His own. —John Eldredge
I have come to believe that the most significant portions of a story of abuse are guarded not only by our self but also by foul spirits that threaten, mock, confuse, and shut down our internal world whenever we get too close to shame and heartache. Are they in us, outside of us, around us? Are they demons? Fallen angels? Speculation is not my goal—only discernment and engagement are.
The moment the topics of evil and spiritual warfare are brought into the conversation about sexual abuse, conflict or chaos seems to reign. I have talked with fellow Christian therapists about spiritual warfare and observed their amused incredulity and academic contempt that an educated professional psychologist in the twenty-first century would resort to such a “primitive” worldview to understand human suffering and psychological symptoms.
There is a second response, and I find it more troubling. It is from people who acknowledge that there is evil—in fact, personal or intentional evil, not merely a force of the consequence of human cruelty—but that this evil is so limited by the work of Jesus that it is like a distant thunder. It can be sensed but doesn’t have to be addressed beyond praying the Lord’s Prayer. Bright and educated people have told me they can’t fathom why there is a need for therapy; if I would simply help abuse victims get free from their demonic warfare and get back to the Bible, they would be completely healed.
A participant in a sexual abuse recovery group told me, “Look, I know there is something working against me. I don’t need to be convinced there is a dark presence in the world. But I was in a church that demonized every problem or mishap. I finally shared with an elder’s wife that I had a history of past sexual abuse, and she told me she thought so. She said she felt a spirit of fear and seduction and that I needed to pray against these spirits. She gathered a few of her friends and prayed over me. I thought it was weird. I know they are sincere, but one woman started waving her hands over me and said, ‘You are haunted by a spirit of perversion.’ I got angry. She might be right, but I felt like I had to agree and do what she was demanding or I’d be told I had a spirit of defiance or something. I either agreed or was written off. Frankly, it didn’t feel that different from how one of my abusers set me up. It was all or nothing. In this case, I walked out of the ‘deliverance’ and I have not been back. I feel sick because I liked them and the church until I became their project to rid me of demons.”
When I wrote The Wounded Heart, I believed evil existed but it was not my calling to directly address its presence or consequences. If asked then what my therapeutic approach was, I’d say I simply didn’t want to consider the presence of evil other than in systematic and impersonal terms. Then I changed. How? By listening to my clients. Through their stories I have come to the conclusion that evil is very much at work in the world, in our mind, and in our body.
Core convictions about evil
Theories about the nature of evil, let alone how to address it in life, have little consensus even among those who acknowledge that it exists and is deeply engaged in all aspects of human affairs. This lack of common ground leads me to offer my thoughts and experiences with pause and caution. We have much to consider and learn, and I don’t write from a position that is dogmatic. It is important for me to put forth a number of core convictions:
1. Evil exists and is not infinite but is a creature, a fallen angel (and his cohorts) in opposition to the glory of God and God’s plan for His creation.
2. Evil is limited by its existence as a creature. Evil is not omnipresent, omniscient, or omnipotent. Only God is God. Nevertheless, the kingdom of darkness is intentional, well informed, relentless, and perverse.
3. Evil’s primary way of operating is in darkness and secrecy, subtly using its cunning to reach its ultimate goal: ruining the glory of God. It will expend no more energy against a person, marriage, family, institution, or community than it needs to achieve its goal. If a person can be seduced by hours of television, sabotaged through a depression, or lulled into self-sufficiency through money, a degree, or a set of convictions that limit curiosity, then evil will likely focus more attention on those who are more dangerous to its kingdom.
4. Evil hates what God reveals in and through the creation of humanity, especially with regard to gender and sexuality. Nothing brings evil greater delight or power than to foul our joy in being a man or a woman through sexual harm or gender confusion on the one hand or dogmatism on the other.
5. Evil is involved in all human suffering indirectly, but it is dangerous to equate any specific event directly with the work of evil. Illness, relational conflict, or psychological struggles can never be approached with a universal, singular understanding; instead, the effects of evil, direct or indirect, must be approached from many perspectives that include the body, heart, mind (brain), and self, as well as cultural systems that involve family, race, ethnicity, and culture.
6. Evil gains access and power to ruin a part of our life by seducing us with lies that tempt us to form an alliance or covenant with the kingdom of darkness. No human being is immune to this seduction, and therefore every person, whether aware of it or not, struggles in a war that eventually affects every dimension of life. (Let this not be read to say that evil cannot be indirectly and profoundly thwarted and disempowered through prayer.)
7. Evil delights in sexual abuse because the return on investment is maximized. It takes but seconds to abuse, but the consequences can ruin the glory of a person for a lifetime.
8. Finally, He who is in us, Jesus, is greater than he who is in the world, the prince of darkness. And through the Spirit of God we are empowered to do direct harm to the kingdom of evil through the skillful use of faith, hope, and love.
Evil’s plan for sexual abuse
I view Satan as a thief, murderer, and destroyer who seduces us into making a covenant that thwarts God’s plan and ruins God’s creation. When we covenant with another it is binding and irrevocable unless a greater authority supersedes to free us. The plan of evil is to get us, through lies, deceit, accusations, and threats, to make a vow of loyalty to it. The endgame of evil is to destroy our trust in God and then offer us any alternative that further distances us from the healing God longs for us to experience.
Evil steals innocence and joy. It hates our potential intimacy with God, therefore it uses the desire He created in us for beauty and sensuality, and our hunger for wisdom, to seduce us away from Him. Its tactic is simple: Use desire to tempt us away from our deepest desires and then turn us against desire as the enemy that got us into trouble. It is like a sting operation.
The calling of a good therapist is to follow the story of abuse and its aftermath closely enough to see the tracks of evil. There will always be a unique configuration of debris, a pattern of evil’s intent that gives an indication of the covenants the victim has made, consciously or unconsciously, with the realm of darkness.
Sometimes the covenants or agreements are as simple as, Your body is evil, and desire will always get you into trouble. Other times evil weaves accusations and threats with promises. You will never be loved because you are ugly, but at least your body can be used to get the closest thing to love—attention. Evil is brilliant at then setting up experiences that bring us “evidence” of its deceitful accusations. The more we believe and bind our heart to evil’s “truth,” the more pathways it can develop to other lies.
Never trust, never love, never need anyone
A client told me about the moment she decided never to love again. She was abused by her father often and had been sold to various people for money, power, and drugs. He had a girlfriend who was the first woman ever to be kind to her. This woman was the first person who held her when she cried and even gave her counsel on how to escape some of the abuse. The day came when the girlfriend left the girl’s father and she came to the girl’s bedroom to say goodbye. After she left, my client said audibly: “I will never love anyone again and feel this alone.”
My client is a good woman, strong in faith and faithful. She is resolute and passionate about helping others; she is stubborn and unwilling to ask for or receive help from anyone else. She made a vow soon after her one source of care and protection abandoned her to never trust or need anyone again. The vow she made unwittingly gave a portion of her heart to darkness, and this foothold allowed evil to pound away at her every time she let herself “need” a friend. She would hear a voice in her head that mocked her for being so needy and then threatened that her friends would talk about her and make fun of her.
Is my client’s struggle psychological or spiritual? The question is tedious. The fact is there is nothing about our spirituality that doesn’t intersect with our personality; there is nothing about our personality that isn’t a reflection of our spirituality. Therefore, my client’s paranoia is as much a spiritual issue as it is an issue of the body and soul.
Jesus intends to take the blow first
There is nothing that will open our eyes to our bondage to the kingdom of darkness other than the kindness of God. It is the love of God that called Jesus to become the One to bear the full weight of all the accusations and debts claimed against us. The apostle Paul tells us in Colossians 2:13-15 (NLT):
You were dead because of your sins and because your sinful nature was not yet cut away. Then God made you alive with Christ, for he forgave all our sins. He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. In this way, he disarmed the spiritual rulers and authorities. He shamed them publicly by his victory over them on the cross.
Jesus intends to stand against every accusation and claim made against us. When we are assaulted by a half-truth contemptuously hurled at us, He intends to take the blow first. His death is a covering against every assault of contempt and every claim of debt owed. The more freedom we gain from evil’s brutal lies, the clearer we will see how past events have been used to capture and kill parts of our heart.
Psalm 78 tells us that we are in a spiritual relay race. You and I are taking the baton, and the type of hand-off we make will determine how the next generation follows Jesus Christ, and our assignment is to teach our children to have faith in Jesus Christ.
When you read about a man’s responsibility to lead his family spiritually, the normal suggestions include organizing family devotions, leading spiritual discussions with children, and helping kids understand a biblical worldview. Those are all crucial, but this list is a bit different! I’ve found that there are many other ways—some less formal—to influence your wife and children spiritually. So here are 25 coaching tips for men who want to step up to spiritual leadership with their families.
Ministering to your wife:
1. Pray daily with your wife.
2. Write a love letter that she’d like to receive.
3. Discover her top three needs and over the next 12 months go all out to meet them.
4. Buy her a rose. Take her in your arms. Hold her face gently. Look into her eyes and say “I’d marry you all over again!”
5. Take her on a weekend getaway.
6. Read the Scriptures to her.
7. Replace the “D-word” with the “C-word”! (D=divorce, C=commitment)
8. Court her.
9. Remain faithful to her.
10. Fulfill your marriage covenant.
Leading your family:
11. Schedule a family time at least one night a week.
12. Use circumstances to teach your children to trust God.
13. Protect your family from evil.
14. Restrain your teenagers’ passion.
15. Set spiritual goals for your children.
16. Take one or two of your children on mission trips.
17. Catch your kids doing something right—and let them know you caught them.
18. Date your daughters.
19. Inspect what you expect.
20. Do a breakfast Bible study with your teens (15 and older), and study the book of Proverbs.
21. Hug and kiss your sons and daughters.
22. Ask your children for forgiveness when you fail them.
23. Pray with them.
24. Call them to a spiritual mission to do what God wants to do with their life.
Has our nation ever seen a one-two punch quite like Hurricanes Harvey and Irma?
Looking at the news coverage and online videos, you can get some sense of the magnitude of devastation. But only those who have lived in hurricane-prone areas and experienced these tropical monsters firsthand can comprehend how life-altering an effect it has on families.
My wife, Ellie, and I and our families know it too well. Growing up in south Louisiana and Mississippi, we experienced more than our share of major hurricanes with their relentless winds, battering storm surges, and drenching rains. We’ve seen from close-up the long process families and communities go through to put the pieces back together.
You may live far from the most recent disaster zones. You may never have experienced what these people are going through. But those of us who have can tell you from personal experience that you can play a vital part of the recovery effort.
Here are some ideas—some developed from experience and some offered by Kathy Koch, a former CNN correspondent who covered Hurricane Katrina and has since founded a national group called LeadersLink, which helps government officials pool their knowledge and resources to prepare for disaster events and the recovery efforts that follow. There are three main ways you can be the source of help and hope for so many who now have so little:
1. Pray and care.
Chances are that you have friends or family members who are directly affected by major storms. Immediately after the disaster, people experience overwhelming feelings of isolation. They think people have forgotten them. For victims of disasters to know that there are people outside caring and praying for them is a lifeline to hope.
Connect with these friends through social media—before and after the storm. Ask if there are practical things you can do for them and for their community. Ask how you can pray for them, and ask your friends to join you in prayer.
Specifically, pray for:
Protection for the life and health of these families and their pets.
The ability to contact and reunite with family members and neighbors who were scattered by the storm.
Immediate access to safe accommodations, drinking water, and sustaining food.
Long-term housing for those who have lost homes.
Good weather in the absence of amenities like electricity, air conditioning, etc.
Clear transportation routes for victims as well as rescuers.
Safety, endurance, and rest for rescuers, first responders, and medical personnel caring for victims (many of these heroes are disaster victims themselves).
Effective cooperation between local, state, and federal agencies.
Efficient coordination by nonprofit groups, volunteers, and local churches.
2. Give and share.
For those who have lost homes and possessions, the greatest initial need after a hurricane is food, water, and shelter. There are several Christian organizations like Samaritan’s Purse, Salvation Army, and the Southern Baptist Convention that are very good at coordinating relief efforts and getting people and supplies to the front lines quickly. Many people think about donating used clothing or other items. But collecting, shipping, and distributing those things takes a lot of time, effort, and expense, and unfortunately many items go unused. So a donation to one of these organizations may be much more effective.
Exceptions are new underwear, socks, and diapers. Whether you’re a disaster victim or a responder, trying to get life back to normal requires working long hours in bad conditions. It’s a matter of hygiene and health safety to have a clean supply of these items.
Local churches and organizations are among the best at meeting the needs of people stricken by natural disasters. These locals know their area and the people, and they already have connections with decision makers, merchants, and others who can speed up the relief process. To learn about needs in an area hit by a hurricane, search on the web to find websites or social media accounts on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram for the following:
Radio and TV stations and newspapers.
Law enforcement, fire, and emergency management.
Town, city, county, and state government.
Churches, hospitals, and schools.
When you search, don’t forget the outlying areas affected by the disaster that may not be as prominently featured in the news but are just as hard hit. After Katrina, it was frustrating for me to see the enormous needs in communities like Bay Saint Louis, Mississippi, while the media was focusing almost exclusively on the devastation in New Orleans.
3. Go there.
The greatest needs following a hurricane begin after the initial rescue efforts wind down and media coverage moves on to the next thing. Cleaning up and rebuilding is the hardest part, not just physically but emotionally. Imagine seeing all your possessions in a pile of rubble or covered in mud from receding floodwaters. In most disasters, devastation is so unbelievable that home and business owners can’t even process where to start or whether it’s worth going on at all.
Often the biggest need is for outsiders to just go and help. So no matter your skill level, there will be something important for you to do. It could be mucking out a house, ripping out drywall, serving food, or running errands. Kathy Koch says that something as simple as carrying unsalvageable family treasures out of the house to a roadside rubble pile can greatly relieve some of the emotional trauma for the homeowner. There is almost always a way to serve the emotional and physical needs of those who are running on empty.
If you know about construction, electrical, or plumbing work, your skills are invaluable for people who are rebuilding. But even if you’re unskilled, there’s plenty of work for someone with the heart to do so—like hanging drywall or painting walls.
Before you go, though, connect with an organization and have a pretty good idea about what you’ll be doing and that you’ll have a place to stay. There’s a lot going on in relief effort, and you can easily get in the way. You want to be part of the solution, not add to the problem.
One organization to consider is All Hands Volunteers. They help match willing volunteers with the most needy communities after natural disasters. Christian organizations like Eight Days of Hope also provide short-term volunteer opportunities in hard-hit areas.
As you prepare to go, take as much for yourself as you can. Not just your own personal needs, but work gear like tools, waders, work boots, a dust mask. And ask your hosting organization if there’s anything you can bring from the outside that would help them help others.
This may even be something you could do as a family. But be aware that young children are often a liability in situations like these where work is hard and exhausting and conditions are hazardous. In fact, many parents who are trying to recover their family home after a disaster choose to send their children to live with relatives for that reason until the conditions are more favorable.
Reflecting God’s love
However you can help—by praying, giving, or going—you are reflecting the love of God and serving Christ by serving “the least of these” (Matthew 25:31-46). Some of those you serve may already know Christ, but for many, your selfless sacrifice and gracious heart may be the closest they’ve come to a true follower of Christ.
Serve with your heart, and always be ready to give an answer for the hope that is in you (1 Peter 3:15-17). After all, the one thing most disaster victims need is hope. And there is no hope greater than the hope offered freely by Jesus Christ.
There may be other words that describe what we all saw take place recently in Charlottesville, Virginia. But at its core, the demonstration of racism and white supremacy was a bold manifestation of the worst of humanity. It was evil.
As we think about our response to these events, and as we talk with our children about them, our thinking and our conversations should be directed by what we read in the Bible.
1. Racism is satanic. The source of all racism and white supremacy is the person the Bible describes as the father of lies (John 8:44). Racism is demonic. It’s diabolical. To believe that one group of people has more value or worth than another is the spirit of antichrist.
What the racists in Charlottesville were espousing puts them in league with the devil himself. It also grieves the heart of God.
2. The sin of racism is a sin against God Himself. It is God who created us in His image, after His likeness (Genesis 1:27). Every person on earth is an image bearer of God. So to suggest that any group of people is in some way inferior or sub-human is to blaspheme the God who created them. It is to degrade His image.
Racisim or hatred is a complete contradiction of God’s character, and hinders one’s ability to even know Him. First John 4:7 says, “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.” This is a great principle to teach our children.
3. This kind of evil is present in your heart, too. As we find ourselves appropriately enraged and grieved by what we saw on our TV screens this past weekend, we should be sobered by the reminder that each of us is capable of this kind of evil.
Jesus spoke about this in the Sermon on the Mount when He said, “I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire” (Matthew 5:22). Beware of allowing your anger to stir in you a sense of your own righteousness. If you wind up thinking that you are in some way superior to the racists who were protesting, you will be falling into the same sin of superiority that they were manifesting.
4. Christians must publicly, humbly, and boldly stand against racism. Followers of Jesus should be at the forefront of the chorus speaking out against what has taken place. Especially when white supremacist groups claim that what they’re espousing is somehow a Christian way of thinking. There should be no equivocation on this. No nuance. We must speak clearly and forcefully in proclaiming that all men and women bear the imago dei—the image of God.
5. Overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21b). Outrage is one thing. But a culture is not transformed by feelings of outrage.
As David Nasser wrote this weekend, we should seek to turn our outrage into outreach. Ask yourself, What is one way I can tangibly express or demonstrate my love today for someone who is different than me? As one hymn writer reminded us more than a century ago, it’s not with sword’s loud clashing or roll of stirring drums, but with deeds of love and mercy the heavenly kingdom comes. How can you turn your outrage into outreach today?
6. Be intentionally multicultural in your relationships. Our children learn about life and values and what matters most by how they see their parents live and the choices we make. We can tell them that God created men and women of all races with equal dignity and worth. And we should.
But do we spend time with friends who do not look like us? Are there any subtle ways we communicate that people who are a different ethnicity are somehow less valuable or have less dignity than we do? Are there proactive steps we can take this week to communicate to our children that just as God loves all people, so do we?
Ultimately, the solution to the problem of racism is for the hearts of men and women to be transformed by the good news that God has a great gift for all who will trust in Him. It’s the gift of grace—unmerited favor. It’s the gift God offers to unworthy, rebellious people. It’s the gift He offers to the racists who will repent and believe His message. It’s the gift He offers to the self-righteous person who thinks he’s better than others.
That gift of grace is a transforming gift. It makes men and women new people who are now alive to God as sons and daughters. It’s a free gift, given to all who will present themselves as slaves to God and to righteousness (Romans 6:16-18).
There is a day coming when racism will end, when a great multitude of people from every tongue and tribe and nation will gather together to join their voices to cry out, “Blessing and glory and wisdom and thanksgiving and honor and power and might be to our God forever and ever!”
May God’s Kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven.
Everyone who woke up to the news about the mass shooting in Las Vegas sifted through the news reports waiting for one piece of information we may never know.
Why?
What motivates a man to open fire on a crowd of strangers at an outdoor concert, killing at least 58 and injuring more than 500?
When Dylan Roof began shooting people in a church in Charleston two years ago, his own statements made it clear that racial bigotry was behind his actions.
When Adam Lanza walked into the Sandy Hook Elementary School and killed 20 children and six teachers, we eventually realized that his actions were tied to his mental health.
But when 64-year-old Stephen Paddock took his own life after spraying bullets on a crowd of country music fans, he left us with no explanation for his actions.
The news story on CNN.com today cannot answer the question everyone is asking. “Why the massacre happened,” they report, “remains a mystery.”
That will be the relentless pursuit of news reporters for the next few weeks. They will be trying to help us understand what seems incomprehensible today. Why? How could someone do something so horrible?
Truths to cling to in the midst of tragedy
Events like this also open up the age-old question about how a loving God can sanction evil. Books have been written on this subject, and the simple answer always comes down to this: “For His own purposes.” There are times when our only option in the face of evil is for us to be still and know that He is God.
As unsatisfying as that answer might feel, we must remind ourselves that God’s ways are “unsearchable” and “inscrutable” (Romans 11:33). As the old gospel song says “farther along, we’ll understand why.”
There are three truths we need to remember when events like this occur.
The first speaks to our own sense of safety and security. When a seemingly random act of violence like this occurs, it makes all of us a little more anxious about our surroundings. After all, none of those concert goers were worried at all about their safety. They were having a good time. And now, more than 50 are dead.
So in the midst of our day today, is it possible that we could be a victim of a random act of violence?
The promise of Scripture is that nothing will happen to you today that is not permitted by a loving, holy Father.
It is with confidence that King David declared in Psalm 5:11, ”But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy, and spread your protection over them.”
And in Psalm 57, when he was being hunted by King Saul who wanted him dead, David declared, “In you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by.”
Of course, the Bible doesn’t give us a guarantee of safety from every kind of harm.
But Job 1 teaches us that no harm can touch us that has not first been allowed by God.
The shooting in Las Vegas did not slip past God. Our times are in His hands.
The second truth we need to remember when events like this occur is that the seeds of this kind of murder are in each of our hearts.
In Matthew 15, Jesus describes our hearts. He said, “Out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander…” He is confirming what the prophet Jeremiah had declared centuries earlier: “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9).
In his book Lord of the Flies, author William Golding tells the story of what happens when a group of British schoolboys are stranded on an uninhabited island, fighting for survival. These well-mannered young men become barbaric. Their circumstances bring to the surface the murder that was in their hearts to begin with.
What the Bible teaches us it that the Las Vegas shooter could have been you. Or me.
The final truth to remember when events like this occur is that we need to make sure we are right with God.
In Luke 13, Jesus is asked about a tragedy that had occurred in His day. His followers were suggesting that when people die in some kind of random act, God is judging them for some kind of hidden sin.
Jesus responded by saying, “Do you think that these Galileans were worse sinners than all the other Galileans, because they suffered in this way?”
And then He looked his audience straight in the eye and said “No, I tell you; but unless you repent, you will all likewise perish.” (Luke 13:3-4).
None of us knows when the day of death will come for us. But we can be sure that a day of death is ahead for all of us, unless Jesus returns while we are still alive.
And on that day, there is a greater tragedy coming than what happened in Las Vegas. Those who have rejected God’s love and mercy and grace in this life will find themselves cut off from His love and mercy and grace for eternity.
As horrible as a mass shooting at a concert is, there is something even more horrible ahead for those who have not surrendered themselves to Jesus. What they will face on the day of their death will be the wrath they deserve from a righteous Judge.
And for those who had surrendered their lives to God who died in the Las Vegas shooting, today is actually a day of great rejoicing. Their exit from this life may have been cloaked in tragedy, but their entrance into glory was filled with unspeakable joy.
While America’s evangelical Christians are rightly concerned about the secular worldview’s rejection of biblical Christianity, we ought to give some urgent attention to a problem much closer to home—biblical illiteracy in the church. This scandalous problem is our own, and it’s up to us to fix it.
Researchers George Gallup and Jim Castelli put the problem squarely: “Americans revere the Bible—but, by and large, they don’t read it. And because they don’t read it, they have become a nation of biblical illiterates.” How bad is it? Researchers tell us that it’s worse than most could imagine.
Fewer than half of all adults can name the four Gospels. Many Christians cannot identify more than two or three of the disciples. According to data from the Barna Research Group, 60 percent of Americans can’t name even five of the Ten Commandments. “No wonder people break the Ten Commandments all the time. They don’t know what they are,” said George Barna, president of the firm. The bottom line? “Increasingly, America is biblically illiterate.”
Multiple surveys reveal the problem in stark terms. According to 82 percent of Americans, “God helps those who help themselves,” is a Bible verse. Those identified as born-again Christians did better—by one percent. A majority of adults think the Bible teaches that the most important purpose in life is taking care of one’s family.
Some of the statistics are enough to perplex even those aware of the problem. A Barna poll indicated that at least 12 percent of adults believe that Joan of Arc was Noah’s wife. Another survey of graduating high school seniors revealed that over 50 percent thought that Sodom and Gomorrah were husband and wife. A considerable number of respondents to one poll indicated that the Sermon on the Mount was preached by Billy Graham.
We are in big trouble.
Secularized Americans should not be expected to be knowledgeable about the Bible. As the nation’s civic conversation is stripped of all biblical references and content, Americans increasingly live in a Scripture-free public space. Confusion and ignorance of the Bible’s content should be assumed in post-Christian America.
The larger scandal is biblical ignorance among Christians. Choose whichever statistic or survey you like, the general pattern is the same. America’s Christians know less and less about the Bible. It shows.
How can a generation be biblically shaped in its understanding of human sexuality when it believes Sodom and Gomorrah to be a married couple? No wonder Christians show a growing tendency to compromise on the issue of homosexuality. Many who identify themselves as Christians are similarly confused about the gospel itself. An individual who believes that “God helps those who help themselves” will find salvation by grace and justification by faith to be alien concepts.
Christians who lack biblical knowledge are the products of churches that marginalize biblical knowledge. Bible teaching now often accounts for only a diminishing fraction of the local congregation’s time and attention. The move to small group ministry has certainly increased opportunities for fellowship, but many of these groups never get beyond superficial Bible study.
Youth ministries are asked to fix problems, provide entertainment, and keep kids busy. How many local-church youth programs actually produce substantial Bible knowledge in young people?
Even the pulpit has been sidelined in many congregations. Preaching has taken a back seat to other concerns in corporate worship. The centrality of biblical preaching to the formation of disciples is lost, and Christian ignorance leads to Christian indolence and worse.
This really is our problem, and it is up to this generation of Christians to reverse course. Recovery starts at home. Parents are to be the first and most important educators of their own children, diligently teaching them the Word of God (see Deuteronomy 6:4-9). Parents cannot franchise their responsibility to the congregation, no matter how faithful and biblical that congregation may be. God assigned parents this non-negotiable responsibility, and children must see their Christian parents as teachers and fellow students of God’s Word.
Churches must recover the centrality and urgency of biblical teaching and preaching, and refuse to sideline the teaching ministry of the preacher. Pastors and churches too busy—or too distracted—to make biblical knowledge a central aim of ministry will produce believers who simply do not know enough to be faithful disciples.
We will not believe more than we know, and we will not live higher than our beliefs. The many fronts of Christian compromise in this generation can be directly traced to biblical illiteracy in the pews and the absence of biblical preaching and teaching in our homes and churches.
This generation must get deadly serious about the problem of biblical illiteracy, or a frighteningly large number of Americans—Christians included—will go on thinking that Sodom and Gomorrah lived happily ever after.
What I was reading shocked me. It was less than a couple of hours since dozens of our brothers and sisters in Sutherland Springs, Tex., were killed or maimed as they gathered together to worship God. And already critics were storming Twitter to take potshots at well-meaning people offering their “thoughts and prayers” for the community and for those affected by the shooting.
They were in church. They had the prayers shot right out of them. Maybe try something else.
The murdered victims were in a church. If prayers did anything, they’d still be alive, you worthless sack of …
These tweets were just the ones from famous actors. Others were much worse. And the assaults didn’t stop with Twitter. Such high-profile people as Don Lemon on CNN used their platforms to criticize “thoughts and prayers” for those affected by the tragedies, saying instead that we should be doing something to stop such massacres.
The “prayer shaming”—as it’s begun to be called—isn’t new, it’s just becoming more vocal and more emboldened. The New York Daily News may have launched the opening salvo following the 2015 San Bernardino terrorist attack with the headline “God Isn’t Fixing This.” After the Las Vegas massacre, late night host Bill Maher mercilessly mocked “thoughts and prayers” in his monologue.
I’m not bringing this out to demonize those who would appear critical of Christianity. I’m doing it as an encouragement for those of us who are believers to think rightly about what’s going on in our world today. And to encourage us to do a little soul searching of our own about “thoughts and prayers.”
“Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do”
It was clear after reading scores of these callous tweets that most of the people didn’t even understand the purpose of prayer. To them it made no sense. Prayer can’t bring back the dead or un-shoot the wounded. Most considered thoughts and prayers to be an excuse for not doing anything about the tragedy or what we might have done to prevent it. There were other motivations for the critical comments, but those are the two I want to address.
The Apostle Paul tells us that the unsaved or “natural person does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are folly to him, and he is not able to understand them because they are spiritually discerned.” (1 Corinthians 2:14). We can’t expect most people to understand the true purpose of prayer.
As followers of Christ, we think with compassion about those who are affected by such a terrible tragedy—the parents, siblings, friends and neighbors. They desperately need our prayers as they cope with their grief. Offering “thoughts and prayers” is merely a way of saying that these people need God’s presence and compassion.
As those indwelt by the Spirit of God, we understand what the critics cannot: that God’s Spirit helps us in our weakness when we don’t know how to pray; He speaks on our behalf when our groanings are too deep for words; He searches our hearts and knows how to intercede according to God’s will (Romans 8:26-27).
Prayer is the petition of the powerless. When we find it hard just coming to grips with our thoughts, God hears our prayers. That’s why we often offer our “thoughts and prayers” when friends or family members come to us with their heavy burdens. For the Christian, thinking deeply and compassionately about the suffering of others is what motivates us to pray. All too often though, we don’t pray as we promised, and we hardly give their afflictions a second thought. For that, we deserve rebuke.
I’m guilty of this for sure. So much so that a while back, I got a little pocket notepad to carry with me to write down people’s prayer requests. I wrote “I’ll Pray” on the cover to remind me of my commitment and jotted requests as soon as people asked me to pray.
I used it for a while, then misplaced it. Only because I’m writing this article did I hunt it down and dust it off to put back into active use. Something tells me that I’m not alone in this area when it comes to putting action to my intentions.
“Be warmed and be filled”
James, the brother of Jesus, reminds us that believing and not acting is the very contradiction of the Christian life (James 2:14-18). When we see a fellow believer who’s cold and hungry, and our only action is to tell them “Go in peace, be warmed and be filled” what good is that to them?
Our faith should prompt us to act, and prayer is part of that action. The tendency (of the secular and the Christian) is to think of prayer rather as inactivity instead of action, but nothing can be farther from the truth. Prayer is hard work. It goes against our nature. Prayer requires us to engage our mind and heart, to put aside our own activities to intercede to God on behalf of others.
It’s easier to share prayer concerns with each other for 25 minutes than to spend five minutes submitting those requests before God. But to be honest, that’s what most “prayer meetings” look like.
The power of prayer
Maybe the unbelieving world is onto something when they’re critical of our “thoughts and prayers.” Sometimes we use the phrase as little more than a platitude. Might it be that the reason we Christians are losing our influence in the culture is because we’re not really praying, because we’re not truly crying out for the power of God in our times of weakness? Could it be that God allows calamities in our lives to pull us out of the mire of complacency and depend on His mighty power?
The Apostle Paul reminds us that it’s in our times of greatest weakness that we experience God’s strength in our lives. He begged God three times to remove a difficulty from his life. “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me” (2 Corinthians 12:9).
When we pray, we’re asking God to act strongly when we’re too weak to do so. Or too far away. Or don’t have sufficient resources or wisdom to help.
But the same Holy Spirit who intercedes for us before the Father is the same one who gives us the mind of Christ on how to act in a situation and gives us the power and will to do it. The more we truly pray, the more we involve ourselves in the powerful works of God and remove ourselves from the powerless impotency of “thoughts and prayers.”
So the next time you tell someone you’ll pray, do it. Maybe even right there on the spot rather than later when you’re sure to forget. Then go back later and ask them what God has done with your petition, or how you might update your prayers for them.
And the next time, after a tragedy, you see someone in the public square “prayer shaming,” ask God what you can do in that particular situation, even if it’s “only” to pray. And while you’re at it, pray for the “prayer shamers,” too, that God will show Himself powerful and real in their lives.
Editor’s note: On April 21, 2008, the world changed for Jay and Katherine Wolf. Just six months after giving birth to a son, Katherine suffered a massive brain stem stroke. She survived, but with a severely-disabled body. In this excerpt from their book, Hope Heals, Jay talks about the challenges of staying committed to a person who is much different than the one you married.
As I rolled over each morning, through the early light seeping in around the curtains I would stare in awe at the new woman who lay beside me. In many ways, Katherine was the same woman I had fallen in love with in the college cafeteria 10 years before, and yet in just as many ways, through the refinement of suffering, she was a different person.
I was different too, both inside and out. My newly graying hair belied my age. When people expressed surprise that I was not even 30 yet, I would tell them, “It’s all the years of hard livin’.”
Every marriage experiences the inevitable fading of the honeymoon period. Every married person is confronted with the reality that the one they married might be different from the one they committed to on their wedding day. This disenchantment, this space between expectations and changing realities, is often the beginning of the end of many marriages. But it doesn’t have to be.
On our wedding day, I had no idea that, literally underneath her bridal veil, Katherine bore a microscopic abnormality that would forever alter the course of her future and mine. And yet this is a picture of marriage in the way that God fashioned it. When we get married, we manage to look the most attractive we will ever look in our lives, yet each of us bears much underneath the surface that will change that appeal—some things we already know about and some we could never imagine.
This sounds hopeless in a way, like we’re all marrying strangers; yet the reality is that marriage can bind our hearts together in an unconditional love that our human emotions could never manufacture on their own. Marriage invites us into a promise we may never have had the courage to make, had we known all we would be agreeing to. But rather than creating a prison—a “ball and chain”—marriage can provide a place of freedom, a garden of abundant life unleashed. When marriage is viewed in this transcendent way, though pain and sacrifice and loss still inevitably come, they no longer pose the same threat because the marriage, not the emotion, is the thing holding it all together.
What was my commitment worth if my body was in but my heart was not?
There was no singular moment when I decided to stay in my marriage. It was more the accumulation of each day’s choice to stay, of each day’s intention to find awe and empathy and love for this woman who had been, quite literally, reborn.
And yet in the physical staying it became clear that I would also need to commit to stay internally as well. What was my commitment worth if my body was in but my heart was not? I was struck by the picture of God allowing people’s hearts to harden, like the pharaoh’s in the book of Exodus, or correspondingly to soften. I began to pray specifically, as in Ezekiel 11, for God to take away my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh, one that was soft and tender toward my wife.
If suffering is like going through fire, I wanted to choose what this inescapable process purified in me and what it melted away. I found my faith and my hope solidifying into something more constant than my emotions or circumstances, creating an altogether separate organism—and that was so freeing. Similarly, the commitment I had made to my marriage was growing deeper, more enduring, and less dependent on whether a given day was a good or bad one.
When you put two very different, firstborn, achiever types in a relationship where they are supposed to be one, sparks will fly in both good and bad ways. When you layer on top of that the stress of life and death, the fear of the unknown, and the realities of severe disability, those sparks can light a fire that will either take the whole house down or melt away many imperfections, leaving something that just might last a very long time.
Acting in love inevitably provoked true feelings of love
In our new home setting we felt safe, but in an unexpected way, the “honeymoon” phase after the stroke was fading, and we were both trying to embrace the new people who remained. Sometimes before bed, the stress and weariness of the day would induce an argument of one kind or another, but I knew Katherine still needed me, quite literally, more than I needed to be right. Still fuming, we would submit in that moment to care and to be cared for, not so much out of love for each other, but out of love for God and gratitude for the relationship He had given us—a relationship the whole of which was growing far greater than the sum of its individual parts.
I would help Katherine to the bathroom and hold her chin in my hand while I flossed her teeth. She would lie down on the bed and I would gently begin the required nightly routine for her impaired eye, moisturizing it, putting in the lubrication, and then patching it shut with paper tape. There was no running out and slamming the door, going on a drive or sleeping on the couch.
Yet in the humbling process of serving, even when I didn’t feel like it, my heart once again softened to her. I found that acting in love inevitably provoked true feelings of love, and the reverse was no less true. In the daily melting away of frustration and bitterness, we could embrace and celebrate the gift of this new life together, and in the midst of the mundane we could remember the miracle.
Here we are again, all buckled in and driving down the road. I’m at the wheel. My two girls are behind me strapped in their car seats. The music playing on my Christian radio station is uplifting, but my heart—it’s heavy. I’m weighed down by my own actions, not five minutes before.
Getting ready and out the door is a chore, as any mom of littles will tell you. No matter how much extra time you allot yourself, it’s never enough. It seems those last 10 minutes before leaving are pure and utter chaos.
It never fails. Somebody poops right as I step out the door. Did I get the paci? Oops, I forgot to water the dog.
It’s enough to drive someone mad—at least if that someone is me.
I like to think I am a good mother. But I know for a fact I have one motherly flaw that protrudes like a plank from my eye: I lack patience. At no time is this flaw more evident than when my girls and I are trying to get out the door to go somewhere.
The problem is, I’m an “arrive on time” kind of girl. Or at least I used to be. Now, with two kids, I rarely reach my destination on time. But the drive to do so still pushes me to run over any obstacles in my path.
Even if those obstacles are often my children.
Today my 4-year-old, finally strapped down behind her five-point-harness, crying in the back seat, asked me, “Why are you being so mean to us?” I was buzzing down the road, my eye on the prize of my destination, but in that moment my heart stopped, and I knew I was in the wrong.
At the next stop sign, I turned around, looked her straight in the eyes and asked her to please forgive me. She said she did, as she always does, and we kept on driving. But my heart couldn’t move on because I knew the truth—this wasn’t the first time this had happened. In my determination to get out the door and to wherever we’re headed, I tend to plow over those I love. (I know my husband’s been in the line of fire plenty of times too!) The fact is, my actions show that I place more value on the opinion of whoever is waiting for us than on that of my own family.
I decided right then and there that enough was enough. I don’t want my children to remember their mother always in a hurry or always about to burst from frustration. I want them to remember examples of patience and love.
Lord, please help me remember the power of my words and attitudes on my children’s hearts.And in those moments of frustration, help me reflect on Your Word and remember that my character is more important than them perfectly meeting my expectations.
“Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love” (Ephesians 4:2, NLT).
“The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down” (Proverbs 14:1, NIV)
Sometimes it’s difficult to understand your spouse. Let’s be honest, we communicate and think differently than our other half. To keep your marriage relationship fresh and growing stronger, each spouse must practice being attentive to the other person’s needs and desires. When a husband and wife successfully blend their two perspectives, unity and understanding is found in the marriage.
Whether your marriage is struggling or you just want to shake things up a bit, here are some ideas for building unity and getting a grip on bliss:
1. Be romantic. Great romance doesn’t just happen, it’s planned. Place importance on looking for new ways to say “I love you.” Husbands, take the time to be romantic and your wife will be a more passionate lover. Wife, express your thoughts about how you want to be romanced. Don’t make him guess!
2. Compliment each other. Decide to compliment your spouse on at least one thing every day. Be careful to listen. Your spouse will compliment you on areas in which he/she wishes to receive compliments. Be sure to refrain from back-handed compliments.
3. Date your spouse. Don’t lose that lovin’ feeling you had when you first started dating. Commit to regular, scheduled date nights, and take turns choosing the agenda. Don’t take calls or texts during your date. Refrain from talking about stressful subjects such as finances, kids, or work. This is the time to rekindle dreams and fresh thoughts for the future.
4. Share your time. This is your life, right now. Don’t get so busy that you forget to slow down and enjoy life—and to enjoy it with your spouse. It’s a compliment when your spouse wants to spend time with you. Plan out and prioritize your calendar. Designate time for relaxing, going out, and completing chores.
5. Be spontaneous. Do something out of the ordinary for your spouse once a week. Sometimes you need to plan ahead, but do something to surprise your spouse, something they would never expect you to do. Stretching yourself and your spouse can be an incredible growing experience! Draw closer to one another in the midst of the unfamiliar.
6. Make communication a priority. Learn your mate’s communication style. Everyone communicates differently. Tell him or her the best way to converse with you. Pay attention and actively listen to what your spouse has to say: nod, reply, and make eye contact.
7. Listen. Devote your full attention to what your spouse is saying rather than using the time to prepare your own response. Restate your spouse’s words, reaffirming what they said, and then thoughtfully respond. Discern what role your spouse wants you to play in a conversation, whether as a passive listener or an active problem solver and opinion giver.
8. Sex—take your role seriously. Great sex is the responsibility of both spouses. Be desirable. Work with what you have and present yourself as appealingly as possible. Seek to fulfill your spouse’s needs before your own. And don’t be afraid to schedule sex. You can get excited about your plan and look forward to your time together.
9. Support change. You and your spouse will change over the course of your marriage and it’s important to accept those changes. Continue to value and trust each other, but don’t try to hold the other back from growth—it’s easy for resentment to creep in when you do. If you need more support, ask!
10. Serve your spouse. If you are both putting the other first, your needs will never go unmet. Start serving today! Make the first move and watch as your spouse reciprocates. Never stop thanking your spouse for even the seemingly mundane things.
11. Celebrate milestones. Be intentional about making memories with your spouse, especially for holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Create your own celebrations and traditions as a couple. If a day is especially important to one spouse, celebrate it the way he or she wants to. Make sure both of you have fun on holidays!
12. Apologize and forgive. Be the first one to say “I’m sorry.” Take your hurt to God and let go of any bitterness, resentment, or power you have over your mate. Are you holding a grudge? Tell your spouse you forgive them. Do you need to ask for forgiveness? Do it today. Take Paul’s words to heart: “do not let the sun go down on your wrath” (Ephesians 4:26).
13. Balance independence and dependence. Sometimes you need space, and sometimes you need more intimacy. Tell your spouse what you need, when you need it. Wives, understand his innate desire to be independent—encourage him in activities that fill that need. Husbands, realize that she wants to be your partner—include her in decision making.
14. Put your spouse’s needs before your own. As Philippians 2:3-4 says, “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.” Think of how your marriage would change if you and your spouse both applied this passage!
15. In all these things, seek the Lord first. Husbands and wives, pursue a growing relationship with the Lord. As we grow and change as individuals, so will our marriages. But these changes can make us stronger if we continually seek the Lord and His wisdom, for “…He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him” (Hebrews 11:6).
See if you can relate to any of these situations …
Case study #1 You are watching television, and the score is tied late in a crucial game … or Castle is solving a mystery … or you’re about to learn what Barry will find in a locker on Storage Wars. Your spouse arrives home, walks in and starts talking about some financial concerns. A dark cloud of annoyance emerges from every pore of your skin, but somehow your spouse doesn’t notice.
Case study #2: Your wife returns home from work, and she is upset about a conflict she is facing with her boss. After a few minutes, you realize that the answer to her problem is obvious—and you’d love to reveal your wisdom if only she would stop talking.
Case study #3: You are cooking your normal Saturday morning breakfast for your family—eggs, hash browns, toast, fruit. Your spouse walks in and begins making comments and suggestions: “Do you think you could put a little less onion in those hash browns?” … “Is there a way to make sure the toast is not cold when we sit down to eat?” Finally you’ve had enough, and with raised voice you exclaim, “If you want it done your way, then why don’t you do the cooking yourself?”
Can you see the common thread that runs through each of these stories?
In each case study, the subject has a listening problem. He’s distracted, or too eager to offer advice … or too proud to discern the underlying reasons for the cooking suggestions.
Of course, poor listening is not a distinctively male trait. James 1:19 tells us, “everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.” But as Dennis and Barbara Rainey say in their book, Staying Close, “Unfortunately, usually we are slow to listen, quick to speak, and even quicker to become angry. Most of us don’t need hearing aids—we just need aid in hearing.”
What advice would you give the subject in each case study listed above? Here are my quick answers, based on the wisdom gained by years (and years) of trial and error:
#1: Yes, your spouse could be a bit more sensitive, but if he or she really needs to talk, turn off the television and listen. If you don’t want to miss the rest of your show … well, that’s what DVRs are for.
#2: Stop trying to fix the problem, and listen to your spouse! Give your wife the chance to talk it out, and you will probably get the chance to offer some advice.
#3: Listen to your spouse—who is trying to tell you that your cooking isn’t always absolutely perfect—and then recruit him or her to help.
I think James 1:19 may be one of the most practical verses in the Bible. Speaking comes so much more easily to most of us than listening, so when you cultivate the art of being “quick to listen,” you make a great investment in your marriage.
I was in high school working my first job and dealing with a big problem outside the home for the first time. Co-workers were stealing and damaging property. I knew who was guilty, but the boss did not. I did not want to be part of what was going on, nor did I want to be blamed for something I did not do. I knew I needed to talk to my boss and possibly my co-workers, but I was afraid.
I got up the courage to talk to my dad about what was happening. He agreed that I needed to talk to those involved, and then he said to me, “Be careful, Son, to choose your words carefully.” It was a nice way to summarize all that it means to communicate with purpose and control. My father was saying, “Paul, words matter. They will either contribute to a solution or further the difficulty. Speak with caution and care.” Winning the war of words involves choosing our words carefully. It is not just about the words we say, but also about the words we choose not to say.
Winning the war is about being prepared to say the right thing at the right moment, exercising self-control. It is refusing to let our talk be driven by passion and personal desire but communicating instead with God’s purposes in view. It is exercising the faith necessary to be part of what God is doing at that moment.
Galatians 5 explains in detail what it means to gain a lasting victory in the war of words. Here are six principles taken from that passage to help you win the war.
1. Winning the war involves recognizing the destructive power of words (Galatians 5:15) . Paul warns us, “Watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.” We will never win the war of words as long as we minimize how critical a battle it is.
The most powerful way we influence each other is through words, which encourage, rebuke, explain, teach, define, condemn, love, question, divide, unite, sell, counsel, judge, reconcile, war, worship, slander, and edify. People have influence and words have power. It is the way God meant it to be.
As I write this, it grieves me to think about the amount of talk in my family that does not recognize the seriousness Paul gives it here. No, we don’t have “knock-down-drag-out” battles, but there is a lot of thoughtless, unkind, irritated, and complaining talk that slips by every day. I think we are like many Christian families—we minimize these “little” sins of talk because our home is free of physical and verbal abuse and we really do love one another. But Paul’s words yank us back to reality. Words that “bite and devour” are words that destroy. They are not okay.
2. Winning the war means affirming our freedom in Christ (Galatians 5:13). It is right to glory in the fact that God’s grace frees us from the unbearable weight of the law (verses 1-6). We are accepted into God’s family solely on the basis of the righteous life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. His righteousness has been assigned to our account. In this way we are happily free from the law.
But we cannot stop here. We have been freed not only from the requirement of the law for salvation, but from the bondage to sin in everyday living. We have been freed from the weight of the law to live a godly life. We cannot glory in what grace takes us from without also accepting what it calls us to (see Romans 6:1-14; Titus 2:11-14).
Self-indulgent, sin-indulgent talk contradicts our identity as the children of grace. It turns us back toward the very bondage from which we have been freed. It forgets the position we have been given by Christ and the power He has given us by His Spirit. This leads to Paul’s next point.
3. Winning the war means saying no to the sinful nature (Galatians 5:13, 24). The mastery of my sinful nature over me has been forever broken in Christ. For the first time, I can offer the parts of my body as instruments of righteousness—including my mouth (see Romans 6:1-14). So Paul says, in effect (Galatians 5:13), “Don’t indulge the sinful nature. Don’t feed its passions and desires. Don’t allow your words to be dictated by powerful feelings and cravings. Remember, because of what Christ has done, you have the power to say no.”
Few truths are more important in winning the war for the heart. As sinners in a sinful world, we will be tempted and provoked, and in those moments powerful emotions and desires will grip us. But because of our identification with Christ, we have the power to say no. If we are living under the rule of emotion or the rule of desire, we are denying the gracious, rescuing work of our Savior.
There will be the little situations. My wife, Luella, and I are in bed with sleep fast approaching and the phone rings. It is our son Justin at the train station. He needs a ride home. Luella says to me, “Won’t you please go?” I am immediately hit with powerful emotions and powerful desires. I am irritated that it just happens to be the coldest night of the year. I feel as if it’s always me who has to go. I want to stay in bed! I want someone else to be the chauffeur for a change.
If I allow my heart to be ruled by these emotions and desires, there is no way I will communicate as I should. My words will be selfish, angry, accusatory, and full of self-pity. But for this moment I have been given Christ. Sure, this is a little situation, but we all live in little moments like this. They really do determine the character of our talk.
4. Winning the war means speaking to serve others in love (Galatians 5:13-14). We say no to the rules of passions and desires not only because Christ gives us the power to do so, but also because we have been called to serve. We are called to put off self-indulgent talk and to put on talk that flows out of a love for others.
Ephesians 4:29 describes what it means to speak out of love: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Unwholesome talk forgets the other person and concentrates on what I feel and what I want. But Paul calls us to talk that is other-oriented.
If I am going to serve another with my words, Paul says there are three things to consider: First, I must consider the person (“only what is helpful for building others up”). What do I know about this individual that would shape what I say? Second, I must consider the problem (“according to their needs”). What is this person’s real need in this situation, and how should it guide what I say? Third, I must consider the process (“that it may benefit those who listen”). I am not just spouting off. My communication should have a redemptive purpose; it should benefit the listener.
Frankly, in our own strength, none of us are this nice! Sin makes us intensely selfish people. We instinctively think about our own needs and wants. We are primarily committed to our own welfare. But as we humbly admit our selfishness, we can begin to appreciate and rely upon the enabling grace of Christ. He has broken the mastery of our sinful passions and desires. He does equip us by His Spirit to speak as his ambassadors. We can speak out of a commitment to serve others in love.
5. Winning the war means speaking “in step with the Spirit” (Galatians 5:25) . Keeping in step with the Spirit means speaking in a way that reflects his work in me and encourages His work in you. In this passage the Spirit’s work is made quite clear. He is working to produce in us a harvest consistent with the character of Christ: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. As an act of faith and submission, I hold my speaking up to the standard of this fruit. I look at difficult situations as God-given opportunities to see this fruit mature in me. Problems are not obstacles to the development of this fruit, but opportunities to see it grow.
6. Winning the war means speaking with a goal to restore (Galatians 6:1-2). Paul says, “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently …” Let’s be sure we understand these words. Notice first that Paul does not say, “If you catch someone in a sin …” He is not talking about sneaking up on someone to catch him in the act! Rather, he is talking about how we as sinners get “caught”—that is, entrapped and ensnared in sin.
Paul then says, “You who are spiritual should restore him gently.” Is he talking about some super-spiritual elite corps of restorers? No, not at all! This word “spiritual” is not being used to refer only to a biblically mature person. It really embraces every believer. It is referring back to Galatians 5:25, where Paul said that we are to “keep in step with the Spirit,” that is, to be sensitive to what the Spirit is doing in us and others. When we are “keeping in step with the Spirit” we position ourselves to serve as his restorers. All of us, if we are living lives worthy of our calling, are positioning ourselves to be God’s agents of rescue and restoration.
Winning the war means choosing our words carefully. We do not want to give any room in our talk to the passions and desires of the sinful nature. In our own conceit and envy, we do not want to provoke one another to sin. We do not want to bite and devour one another with words. Rather, we are committed to serve one another in love with all of our talk. We want to speak in step with what the Spirit is producing in us and in others. We want to speak in a way that encourages the growth of that fruit. Finally, we want to speak as gentle, humble agents of restoration, as burden-bearers committed to live by Christ’s rule of love.
What radical revival, reconciliation, and restoration would result if we carried this call into every relationship in our lives! How different things would be if we were consistently committed to this kind of communication! How transformed our relationships would be if we spoke to one another with words of redemption! A commitment to winning the war of words calls us to choose our words well.
The last thing I (Jason) want to hear from my wife as I walk through the door at the end of a hard day are these words: “We have a situation. You need to deal with it.” But it happens.
I remember one evening when one of our sons was 7. I had given him a pocketknife, thinking he was ready to handle that kind of responsibility (in my defense, it was a very small knife). I even gave him explicit instructions, telling him that if he abused this privilege in any way, the knife would immediately be taken away from him.
For several months, there were no problems. Then my wife found that the headrest of the leather seat in the back of her van had been “wounded.” We asked our son if he had used his knife to cut the seat, but he adamantly denied the charge. He almost had us convinced that it might have been someone else.
We brought in some CSI forensics experts, took fingerprints, and interrogated all of his friends under a hot light at our kitchen table. Maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but we did do a bit of detective work. We deduced that the new pocketknife was indeed the weapon used in the crime.
When we confronted him a second time, he broke. Tears flowed as we talked to him in his room. We left him there for a few minutes so we could discuss our plan for discipline. And we needed a little time to cool down.
As upset as we were that he had destroyed the headrest, we were more concerned about his lying to us. We had experienced a couple other times when he had lied, and we knew that this needed to be corrected, for his benefit and for the good of our family. We decided that the best option was to give him a spanking and walk him through a process of reconciliation.
We went back into his room and talked through his actions. We shared with him how his lies had hurt everyone in our family because they had destroyed our trust. We explained that lying is a sin, and because of his sin, he had disobeyed God and dishonored us, his parents. We asked him if he wanted to ask God and us for forgiveness. He said yes, and we led him through a prayer asking God for forgiveness. We told him that we forgave him too.
Then we informed him that he was going to be spanked for his disobedience. After I spanked him, I hugged him and told him I loved him. I reminded him that a father disciplines a child he loves, and that was why I was doing this. We left him alone in his room and asked him to let us know when he was ready to come back and join the family.
He stayed in his room for at least 30 minutes and then asked to join us. We reassured him that we were glad he was back with us. And we continued on with our night. We didn’t mention it to him again. As difficult as it is for us to follow through in times like these, we knew it was the right thing.
Practical lessons
There are a few things I’d like to highlight from this example with our son.
First, if you haven’t experienced this already, you will soon. When a child is disobedient, it is difficult to remain calm. Most parents get angry with their children at some point, and the flesh—the sinful nature in all of us—reacts selfishly rather than responding in love. In these moments, a parent needs to regain composure, pray, and step back from the situation before disciplining the children.
You’ll also notice that we addressed our son directly and told him specifically how he had been disobedient, in words appropriate to his age level. We reminded him that we loved him, and we made sure he understood that we were disciplining him because we wanted what was best for him. We took the time to walk him through the process of forgiveness, both with us and with the Lord.
All of this took a significant amount of time and energy, but it’s critical to the discipline process. After this, I administered the appropriate discipline that my wife and I had decided on, and we both hugged him and reassured him of our love for him.
Finally, we left him in his room to give him some time to think about his disobedience and consider the consequences. This gave him a chance to calm down, to let his emotions settle, and to reflect and learn from what he had just experienced. We made sure he knew that he was free to rejoin the family when he was ready, that the discipline was over.
The harvest of godly discipline
In Hebrews 12 there is an amazing word of encouragement. God promises us that if we are willing to walk through the hard process of discipline, there is a wonderful result: “For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it” (v.11, emphasis added).
A farmer has to wait months before his crops are ready for harvest. Whether we’re talking about apples or oranges, growth doesn’t happen overnight. But today we live in a culture of instant gratification. We lack the patience to wait for things that develop over time, preferring immediate results.
The harvest of discipline doesn’t come immediately after we administer correction to our children. It takes time. You may not see the fruit until tomorrow, a year from now, or even 10 years from now. That’s why you’ll need to have faith in God and His promises. You’ll need to believe that the result God promises is better, in the long run, than any immediate result you can gain from other ways of responding to your kids.
But there is an added blessing in this! You see, God is also cultivating patience in your life, one of the fruits of His Spirit. And trust us, you will need it.
You will also see the benefit of discipline as God’s character grows in your children. You will be leading them to the Lord, helping them understand their sin and their need for a Savoir. You will be cultivating the soil of their heart and planting the seeds of godly character by teaching and modeling the gospel to them. It may take several years for these seeds to bear fruit, but God is faithful.
She wanted to be in charge
As a toddler, my niece, Kylie, would have made James Dobson’s “strong-willed child” top 10 list. She created chaos in her parents’ lives. One time, she finger-painted an entire wall while her parents were in another room.
They were a young couple, and she was their first child, and she was determined to prove that she was in charge. Kylie always wanted to have things her way, and if that didn’t happen, she would clear the room with an epic meltdown. Her parents were desperate for peace, so they sought wise biblical counsel and developed a plan to discipline their daughter. They faithfully discipled her through discipline, and eventually she came to understand and submit to their authority.
Today Kylie is one of the most joy-filled followers of Jesus I know. She is walking with the Lord and trusting him. She has an infectious smile, and she reflects the goodness of Christ in such a beautiful way. The Lord has put a special fire and passion in her spirit, and she knows that it is best expressed under the authority of her parents.
I believe that the Lord has gifted her to lead others, but her stubbornness and rebelliousness needed to be reshaped—changed from selflessness to the meekness of Christ—to make her more like Jesus.
Every time I go to Joshua and Linda’s home now, I feel the peace of the Lord.Their home is a great reminder to me that God faithfully produces a harvest as we plant the seeds of godly character in the hearts of our children. It encourages me to be faithful as I work through the unpleasant aspects of discipline in order to enjoy the harvest of righteousness.
Reflecting the Father’s loving heart
Discipline is a challenge, but it is vital. And godly discipline is a combination of love, wisdom, and consequences. We are best at disciplining our children when we reflect our Fathers’ loving heart and His desire for holiness.
Most people tend to think of God as overly lenient or overly strict. But God is neither of these. In Romans 11:22, Paul describes how God’s holy love can be express in different ways—as kindness or as severity, depending on the situation: “Note then the kindness and the severity of God: severity toward those who have fallen, but God’s kindness to you, provided you continue in his kindness. Otherwise you too will be cut off” (ESV).
As Christian parents, you will need to exercise wisdom to practice discipline in a balanced way that reflects the discipline of God. Sometime you will need to emphasize the severe consequences of rebellion; at other times you’ll need to highlight the kindness and mercy of God. In every situation, you must learn to point your children to the grace of God, showing them that like your discipline of them, God’s discipline is for their own good, to help them become more like Jesus.
Once a fighter pilot in the Vietnam War, Darrel’s hands tightened around his wife’s neck. She started to choke.
“Wake up!” she gasped, tugging at his arms …
It wasn’t the first time that Darrel’s nightmares had become Evie’s. While fighting imaginary wartime enemies, he had actually kicked her out of their bed several times. She had the bruises to prove it.
Despite the ongoing anxiety and flashbacks, Darrel could not grasp the fact that he needed help. That’s because he told himself that war dreams just happen. “Frankly, I didn’t think I had a problem,” he says. But Evie did not agree.
The recurring nightmares became just the first of many problems that developed in the Couches’ relationship. “We did not have a peaches and cream or bed of roses marriage,” Darrel says. But just like the haunting dreams, he thought, Is that so unusual? Marriage troubles were common in many of the marriages he and Evie had seen modeled.
Finally, 38 years after Darrel returned from Vietnam, Evie had enough. “If you don’t get some help,” she said, “I’m leaving.”
Separation and heartache
Darrel joined the Air Force right after he graduated from high school and planned to make the military his career. After three years, he applied for Aviation Cadets and became an officer and a pilot.
Before Evie and Darrel married, she thought being the wife of a pilot would be exciting. She imagined them traveling together around the world. But instead of adventure, with each deployment came separation and heartache.
Evie says the worst day of her life was when she held her 3-month-old son and watched Darrel taxi to the runway and takeoff for a one-year combat tour in Vietnam. She wondered if he would ever come back. In September of 1967 Darrel did come back, but not as the man she married. His plane was shot down and he sustained injuries that eventually led to the end of his flying career.
For the next three decades Darrel was a civilian safety and loss control consultant. Regular attendees at church, the Couches looked like they had their life all together. But that was just a façade.
Darrel’s job required him to travel all over the United States. He often left home at 5 a.m. on Monday and wouldn’t return until the following Thursday evening. And Evie? She kept herself busy with raising their two sons and being a leader in a Bible study for women.
He admitted that he needed help
They frequently argued over whether Darrel needed medication for his nightmares. And although Darrel was no longer flying, he never lost what Evie called his first love. She regularly accused him of caring more for flying than her. “The airplane came before I did,” she says.
Darrel and Evie were living isolated lives. And then, at the least expected moment, there was hope of rescue. The first sign of it appeared soon after their lowest point—that night when Darrel had tried to choke Evie during a nightmare.
Evie told Darrel, “I can’t take this anymore,” and he knew she meant it. Now 38 years after Darrel had returned home from war, he was ready to face reality and take the painful steps to change.
The Couches turned to a psychologist friend at church. Through his help, Darrel accepted the fact that his terrible dreams were a result of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Darrel got the medication and counseling he needed. And as he began to deal with the PTSD, his relationship with Evie began to improve. But the years of turmoil had taken a toll on their marriage.
In 2010 Evie heard an announcement at church about an upcoming FamilyLife Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway. Married for 48 years at that point, she asked Darrel if they could go. He had only one question, “What could I possibly learn at the Weekend to Remember that I don’t already know?”
Unlike his wife, Darrel considered their “okay” marriage to be a success. After all, on both sides of their families, they were the only couple who had been true to their wedding vows. And when Darrel and Evie went to his old Air Force squadron’s reunion, they were the only couple who had never divorced.
The Couches had known about FamilyLife’s marriage getaways for 20 years. They even financially supported two couples on its missionary staff. “We knew they brought marriages back together,” Evie says. “But we had never gone to a Weekend to Remember.”
A lot to learn
At Evie’s urging, five years after facing his PTSD, Darrel reluctantly agreed to give the Weekend to Remember
a try … as observers. But it didn’t take long to realize there was a lot he and Evie could still learn about their marriage. “I found out we did not know as much as we thought we did,” he says. “We were not doing all that we could. … We were two people living together … sometimes good, other times bad … and a lot of times indifferent.”
A turning point during the getaway came when Darrel gave his wife a love letter he had written as part of a couple’s project. In it he said, “It provides comfort just knowing you are there. We don’t have to talk; we can drive down the road for an hour and never say a word. But it feels good to be together.”
These words reminded Evie that her husband did love her deeply. He really did care. Maybe she was more important to him than airplanes.
As the Weekend to Remember speakers talked about communication in marriage, Evie recognized some things that she had been doing wrong for years. She often disrespected Darrel as she threw verbal darts at him through thoughtless words. She vowed to stop.
And Darrel says he learned to be willing to die to his own desires and to consider the consequences of his words. Now, he asks himself if what he wants to say to Evie could make her cry or result in a miserable day. If the answer is “yes,” then he doesn’t say it.
But the biggest change for the Couches was in their spiritual connection. Although they went to church and even taught Sunday school and Bible classes, they had not really invited God into their marriage. For the first time they understood what it meant to have God at the center of their union. They learned that the closer they each drew to Jesus Christ and followed His teachings, the closer they would be to one another. And for the first time, they started to pray together.
Promises of lifelong love
At the last session of the marriage getaway, the speaker invited the couples to stand and repeat their wedding vows. With their arms around each other, Evie and Darrel joined the standing crowd. After almost five decades of marriage, the Couches renewed their promises of lifelong love.
Sometimes the Couches wonder if going earlier to a Weekend to Remember would have helped Darrel recognize his PTSD sooner. They really don’t know. But Darrel says, “It would have helped us better understand a deeper husband-wife relationship and things to do to keep it there.”
Darrel and Evie say they are still applying the principles they learned at the getaway. They regret the wasted years, but they don’t regret the choices they made to finally seek help—for his PTSD and for their marriage. “We just walked out of the Weekend to Remember like newlyweds,” Evie recalls. “It was amazing!”
After nearly 50 years of marriage, how many couples can say that?
She is able not only to keep her home immaculate; she bakes and cooks from scratch all of the meals she sets before her family on the handcrafted table she whipped up over the weekend after seeing a DIY project on her Pinterest board.
Supermom is also a fantastic manager. She runs a tight ship. The home’s schedule runs like clockwork, and she makes certain her children are not tardy to anything. This woman could not only run a small country, she could probably do it in her sleep.
She is also a super wife. Although sometimes Supermom is super tired, she must put her fatigue on the back burner in order to be emotionally and physically available for her hubby.
Now I am certainly not trying to beat anyone up for this little phenomenon. We women are strong. Capable. Clever. Competent. Resourceful. But sometimes these strengths can transform into weakness because we don’t take into account one little thing that we women also have: Limitations.
If we don’t realize our limitations, we can soon find ourselves physically incapable of carrying out all that we have said yes to. And we can find ourselves emotionally distraught.
There is no such thing as a superhero mother. No Supermom. But there are ways to still be a super mom—the best mom you can be for your particular children. Here are eight ways to stop trying to do it all and start learning to be you.
1. Relax.
Stop stressing as you look around at what other mothers are doing and how many things they seem to be accomplishing. You don’t have to keep frantically racing to replicate someone else’s life. Instead, learn to seek and embrace the unique life God has for you at this age and stage of motherhood. So take a deep breath. Pause. Stop stressing. Quit running. Just relax.
2. Reevaluate.
Get alone with a notebook and sketch out your typical week. What commitments do you have inside your home? At work? At church or other civic organizations? Now go back over them and ask yourself if there are any you are participating in that really aren’t the best fit for your life right now. If you identify such activities, come up with a plan of action for how you will release yourself from these commitments in order to free more time for your family or for yourself.
3. Relinquish.
Let go of your desire to be everywhere at once. Accept the fact that you have limitations. That you cannot clone yourself and be two places at one time. The sooner you let go of the notion that you can have it all, all at once, the better. So relinquish.
4. Resolve.
When asked to take on a new responsibility outside your home, learn to ask yourself a few questions: Is this really my call? You should only be doing it to please God and because you feel that it is His plan for you right now.
5. Rest.
Learn to build in periods of rest in your week. God’s pattern at creation was for us to take one day each week to cease working and really rest. Sometimes we are just as busy on the Sabbath as we are any other day of the week. Consider making Sundays a set-apart day to cease from any type of work and just focus on worship and rest.
6. Renew.
Renewal of your mind happens when you are involved in studying God’s Word both alone and with a group. If you can’t find a group to study with at your local church, consider joining our online Bible studies at Proverbs 31 Ministries (proverbs31.org). There thousands of women gather together online to study God’s Word together and renew our minds.
Also renew your body. Make sure that you are taking time to eat healthy. Build in time to exercise and enjoy fresh air when you can. And be intentional to renew relationships that encourage and strengthen you and build you up in your mothering. We must constantly be renewed so we do not burn out.
7. Relate.
Make sure that you have a sounding board of other people in your life who will help you to work through the various options and set your schedule accordingly. A trusted friend or two, along with your husband if you have one, can help you see where you are stretched too thin when you can’t seem to notice it. A mom should not be an island.
8. Revisit.
Be sure to revisit your commitments at least once—if not twice—per year. Hold them up to the Lord. Ask Him if there is anything you currently have on your plate that you should remove.
Also ask your family. Enlist the opinions of your husband and children, if they are old enough, when it comes to how you are spending your time. Perhaps you can’t see that an outside commitment is stressing you and messing with family life, but perhaps others who live in your home will notice it. Be open to their feedback. Take their thoughts into account. Make adjustments as needed.
When we learn to hone in on our calling and clear our too-full plate, we can begin to focus on making beautiful music in our life. This includes how we spend our time both inside the home and with outside commitments.
We each have a song to strum. We do not need to simply copy the score others around us are following. As we take our concerns prayerfully to the Lord—along with our schedules—He will certainly help us to say “so long” to the striving to be Supermom and help us to discover how to mother in our own distinctive way.
We’ve all had days where we blow it as moms. Sometimes you can see them coming, as if watching a sippy cup of red juice fall on someone else’s beige suede sofa in slow-mo.
Maybe you burn the eggs, singe your finger in the process, and in the meantime snap at your toddler for singing the same Daniel Tiger song for the sixth unrequested encore at full volume.
Maybe you verbally unload on your husband in some way that ends up sounding shrill, unforgiving, ungracious, and emotional. Because, well… maybe you were all those things.
Maybe you lost your temper at the UPS guy, shouted at the kids while all the windows were open, and totally forgot you were supposed to bring the snack for your daughter’s class until the teacher called you. Maybe you told your teenager exactly what you thought about her attitude, and ended up sounding just like the mother you vowed you’d never be.
Maybe you embarrassed your husband at work, or missed your own deadline.
I was lamenting to a friend over the phone regarding my own motherly shortcomings (because let’s face it, they multiply like bunnies). I may or may not have mentioned how I hoped my children wouldn’t grow up to be felons because of all the ways I royally screw up.
That’s when I could hear her smiling on the other end as she said, “Yeah. But isn’t that the point of mothering? Not to show our kids how amazing we are, but how much we need Jesus? I mean, that’s success, right?”
Mentally, I came to a full stop. Because I knew this, but God knew I needed someone to say it to me that day. On the day that you turn your son’s favorite shirt lavender in the laundry; or forget Wear Orange Day at school; or with more gravity, grandly display your lack of self-control, modeling impatience and injustice and selfishness—success still looks like pointing our kids to the Cross.
When my daughter grows up, I don’t want her to think that the great mom is the one who makes whole-grain bread from scratch, sews every costume for every play, or never spaces out on a promise nearly as much as I want her to know this: She needs Jesus, and I do, too.
There are times, when I’m closer to the mom who does everything right (who, BTW, does. NOT. Exist.), that my heart can also be closer to Gee-I’m-Fabulous Pharisee Mom. But what I really want is to be Have-Mercy-on-Me-a-Sinner Mom.
Yes, it is crucial that we act in patience, graciousness, faithfulness—and all of the rest. Loving our kids well and becoming like Christ in His holiness from the inside out is part of our worship. Jesus Himself said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more” (John 8:11, emphasis added).
Yet even on the day when we’re on our game, there’s only One who’s perfect, only One who supplies our goodness. (Hint: Not you. And definitely not me.)
So on the day we’re rude to the cashier because the kids have acted up the entire grocery shopping trip, perhaps we go back to the cashier, kids in tow, and apologize. Perhaps after we’re all strapped in the minivan, we ask forgiveness from our kids, and pray together for Mommy’s heart, because that’s where our words come from.
One month when our five children were all small, we had three cases of chicken pox, two ear infections, one case of bronchitis, and three cases of the flu. My son John exclaimed, “Mommy, in your day people died of the flu.”
At that point I thought I might die from nursing sick children. I felt like I was seeing my pediatrician more than my husband.
Sickness is definitely a challenge of the toddler years. But it usually passes as the kids get older.
Looking back on my life, I have found one of the most helpful ways to gain perspective on your current situation is to see parenthood in terms of seasons. There is the season of starting a family and the ensuing baby/toddler years, the season of raising teens, the season of the empty nest, and for some the “bungee cord” season—when you thought your nest was empty and a child comes home again. Then there’s the season of the golden years.
Unique challenges
What I’ve realized is that every season will have both challenges and blessings unique to that season. It is helpful to articulate the challenges and then choose to focus on the blessings.
One of the challenges of the baby/toddler years is frustration. You rise in the morning, get the house picked up, kids fed, and by evening it’s all undone again. If someone were to ask you, “What did you accomplish today?” your response might be, “Nothing … I just got through it.”
This sense of frustration caused by a lack of accomplishment is truly hard for those of us who are Type A women. And it’s really hard if you have come home part-time or full-time from an exciting job where there is a sense of accomplishment. When I had small children, I discovered that I loved to mow the lawn! It was the one thing I could do that was instantly satisfying and lasted more than 24 hours.
We must not forget the blessings of these early years. One of the blessings I found is the funny things toddlers say. I remember when Libby saw the ocean for the first time. Her eyes got huge as she exclaimed, “Mommy it’s too full you need to let some of it out!” Teenagers don’t often say very funny things. It’s a blessing of the toddler years. When your child or grandchild says something funny, grab a scrap piece of paper and write it down with her initials and the date and throw it in a folder to save for the future.
What about those teen years? One of the challenges here is distinguishing between swing issues and crucial issues. Deciding whether to let your teen go to a certain party is a lot more serious than deciding whether to take ballet or play soccer. Finding the balance between setting limits and letting go is a challenge.
But there are blessings of these years as well. You finally begin to see some pay-off after all those years of training in thoughtfulness, in manners. Your daughter may actually offer to help in the kitchen. Your son may look an adult in the eye and speak politely! In all honesty the teen years were my favorite.
And then we hit the empty nest. One of the challenges is that most of us have poured our lives into raising our kids. This is true whether we were stay-at-home moms or worked in the marketplace. Our primary passion has been for our kids and we wonder, What will my purpose be now? In a sense we may feel “fired” from our primary job.
Another challenge of the empty nest years is learning how to relate to our adult children. How much do we text or call? And when they marry, our priorities must change. Our first priority must be their marriage, not our relationship to our child. It’s hard to let go.
However, there are many blessings in this season. Now we have the opportunity to become friends with our kids, to have adult conversations, to learn from them and be stretched by them. And we have the opportunity to begin a fresh season with our spouse. (You have to be intentional about this!)
God is there
There are many other seasons in life: seasons of loss, of transition, and of mixed up seasons like caring for an elderly parent while raising toddlers. No season lasts forever. And God is in the midst of each season growing us up into the women He has created us to become.
A wise woman will be honest about the challenges of the season she is in but then choose to focus on (to name and look for) the blessings in the season. Wherever we are, God is faithful.
Editor’s Note: As her daughters began their married lives, Barbara Rainey wanted to share some of the lessons she learned throughout her own marriage as well as those gleaned from years of ministry to couples. In these heartfelt, insightful letters that eventually evolved into the book Letters to My Daughters: The Art of Being a Wife, she answers the tough questions and addresses the realities of marriage. Enjoy this excerpt from the book and visit TheArtofBeingaWife.com for more information.
Mom, This is a little embarrassing. Okay, a lot embarrassing. But please tell me that sex is more than I think it is. It’s fine. Don’t get me wrong. But the initial passion has pretty much cooled off, we have all the kids we want, and honestly, sex seems like the last thing on my list of needs because I am tired ALL THE TIME!
Dear Daughters,
Boy, do I understand you. Dennis always said he’d be a millionaire if he had a dollar bill for all the times I said how tired I was! And sex was at the bottom of my to-do list more times than not.
We missed each other often. Making sense of our sexual differences sometimes felt like we were from two different solar systems, not just Venus and Mars. I totally get that time and energy is a huge challenge on this front!
First, a quick sweet story about your grandma: While we were shopping for something to wear for my wedding night, my mother gave me two very brief pieces of advice about sex. As I was trying on a beautiful white eyelet nightgown, she said, “He’ll like you much better naked, you know.” Then she added, “It gets better with time.”
She was right about both. While sex can seem automatic and even easy in the beginning, especially since it is so hard to control passion before marriage, becoming great lovers for life is a decades-long learning experience.
Think of a young oak sapling, just planted. Then consider that same tree as it matures over the course of the changing seasons—the satisfying shade it provides in summer, the glorious color in autumn, the strength of its limbs through a bitter winter, the continued growth come spring. It helps to remember an oak tree takes decades to mature. And so do our marriages. So work to be patient with one another, okay?
We’re different sexually
When you girls got married, I remember preparing mentally, thinking through what I wanted to say about sex in marriage. One topic I tried to explain is how different we are sexually as male and female.
In the early months of my marriage, I thought it was only a physical difference. Sex was a relatively simple experience for us. At least it was until we began to encounter some surprisingly distinct differences. Like so many women before me, I discovered that we could have an argument, and he could immediately set that aside and be interested. Or that he didn’t need any conversation before being ready. Or that we would be in the middle of lovemaking and he wouldn’t hear the crash just outside our apartment walls!
And yes, it is true that not all men are exactly the same. But from the beginning men were designed by God to think about sex more often and in a more focused way than women. It’s the ability to compartmentalize.
Even though I’ve learned a lot about living with a man, I still find myself caught off guard at times by our gender differences. The combination of chromosomes that makes an embryo a boy or a girl keeps us male and female for life on a cellular level. And it never changes.
Think about this with me for a second. Most couples would say they have much in common; their basic emotions, education levels, and beliefs can be the same. But for me as a woman, knowing what it is like to be my husband, a man—to crawl inside his skin and feel what he feels—is not possible. I will never think like a man; I will always view the world through estrogen-shaded feminine lenses, while he will always have a testosterone-fueled male view on life.
Pleasure without commitment
An epiphany for me came from George Gilder in his book, Men and Marriage: “Unless they have an enduring relationship with a woman—a relationship that affords them sexual confidence—men will accept almost any convenient sexual offer. The existence of a semi-illegal, multibillion-dollar pornography market, almost entirely male-oriented, speaks of the difference in sexual character between men and women.”
Women are designed to be the stabilizing force in the lives of men. Far from being insignificant, we are instead supremely important. Without the stabilizing commitment of women in marriage, men are more likely to live like barbarians, wandering impulsively through life, fighting, competing, and chasing after power they might not even be able to define.
Sadly, today many young men are enjoying the pleasure of marriage without the commitment or responsibility because many young women are too willing to cohabitate instead of demanding a marriage proposal by their refusal to have sex outside of marriage. So there might be a temporary stability created in these unmarried couples who live together, but it will not last or produce healthy relationships.
Your dad often said to me, “Women are powerful,” but every time he said it, I never quite comprehended his meaning until I read Men and Marriage. Understanding this male/female difference has helped me to make sense of my deep, life-altering responsibility to my husband to help him feel like the man God created him to be. And that includes my being willing to learn what says love to him, and his being willing to learn what says love to me.
Our needs and desires are sometimes vastly dissimilar, but we have worked together to both compromise and take risks. It is supremely important that you hear this conclusion I came to understand: If I love him, I won’t view his biological sexual differences disapprovingly. This is a very practical way you as a wife can and must show him respect. If you belittle or shame his male sexuality; any other attempts at showing respect will feel hollow to him.
As the two of us had conversations about sex and our divergent perspectives in those early years, seeking to know one another better, I caught glimpses of what it must be like to be a man. It was a continual revelation. I felt compassion for him and more motivation to care for him. But within days of each conversation, I returned to viewing life as a woman.
Truth is not a magic wand that changes a woman’s sex drive into a man’s, but it does help correct our misguided thinking. Still, a thousand conversations will not revolutionize my design or his.
He knows my heart is for him
We have come to a place after decades of marriage where we understand we will never view sexual intimacy in the same way. For many years we thought cultural conditioning created our differences, but I believe now that male/female differences are God-designed for a purpose. I do not feel a sexual need for him the same way he does for me.
Hear me clearly on this: I do need him. But I feel that need uniquely as a woman, needing not a physical release as men do, but an emotional filling—the rebonding and reconnection that comes from reaffirming our commitment through sex. There are times when I’m just not in the mood—we girls are emotional beings, right? And at those times we mutually agree to delay making love until the next night (and sometimes we opt for a quicker method to meet his physical need) but regardless, I make sure he knows I am not rejecting him. Why? Because he needs to know I respect his need and personhood as a man. He can feel dismissed and therefore disrespected, so I have learned to protect him by what I say and don’t say.
Over time we have proven we are for each other. He knows my heart is for him. And he appreciates that my heart must be as wooed as my body. Still, there are times I request being together because I’ve missed him, and I feel it, not physically as he does, but emotionally. We are different, and it is good.
Thanking God for the genius of His design even when I can’t appreciate the wonder,
God never gives you more than you can handle, right?
I’m not so sure. Not now. Not anymore.
It’s my point of view that some people get more than they can handle. Some people lie in bed laughing with that crazy-person laugh because they have lost about as much as they thought they possibly could and are still pushing forward with an unseen strength. They lose their home, their health, their jobs, their loved ones. When I think, for example, of Job—he whose wife told him to “curse God and die!” and who then went on to lose his children—I think, “Brother, how didn’t you curse God and die?” I think of David hiding from Saul in caves near the Dead Sea, spending years as a fugitive in fear for his life, later losing his son, and crying out to a God that he loved with the whole of his heart but may have thought for a moment wasn’t hearing his desperate cries.
We’re never promised we won’t “get more than we can handle.” The closest promise we receive in this regard is 1 Corinthians 10:13, which speaks of God giving us an escape from temptations so that it’s not too much to bear. But when it comes to pain, trial, heartache, woe—not once does the Bible say that we’ll be spared from more than we can handle.
Instead we are admonished, “I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!” (John 16:33). Not only is our life not a rosy garden path, we are told outright to expect tribulation. The rain falls on us and on everyone else (Matthew 5:45); sometimes in a whispered sprinkle, sometimes in a downpour that soaks our beleaguered bones.
Paul writes in Philippians 4:12-13, “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through him who gives me strength.” There will be times that fleeing it all seems easier than dealing with it and muddling through. But getting more than we can handle forces our gaze upward for some help. If we could handle the mess on our own, we’d never have to seek God’s help in managing it.
“Your brother’s gone”
I was sitting in our bedroom next to my napping husband, Matt, waiting for literary inspiration. I surfed the news and looked outside at the glittering landscape and the squirrels on unsteady footing. I had a strange, surreal moment of prescient peace. I smiled out the window at nothing in particular, and at everything in our lives. How funny and strange and wonderful this journey of ours was. How vast the things we’d seen and survived and learned.
The phone rang. I set it to ignore, not wanting to wake Matt. Then a text showed up from my mom: “Sarah—it’s urgent that you call us right away.” Yikes, I thought. I left the room and dialed her number. Dad answered.
“Sarah, we were on the way to North Carolina. Is Matt there?”
“Yea, but he’s napping.”
“I need you to wake him up, honey.”
A softball of anxiety started to mount in my chest. I sprinted down the hall in my socks, nearly upending myself on the hardwood floor. I shook Matt awake.
“It’s Mom and Dad. They said it’s urgent.”
He sat up, and I put Dad on speakerphone. The phone lay between us like a deck of cards, small, unobtrusive. It was quiet on the other end of the line. Then Dad began:
“I got a call from Ally this morning. She had let Sam sleep in the bed, while she slept on the couch. He needed the rest.”
My brother Sam, the one who had survived bacterial meningitis, and an accidental gunshot to the head, and lymphoma. My brother, who had undergone chemotherapy and developed an accompanying set of symptoms that caused excruciating head pain. My brother Sam who was always sick, but always recovered. My brother Sam who had just called me a few days ago, wishing me a happy birthday, and reminding me I was older than him, joking I was just “old” in general.
“Sarah, I’m so glad you were born,” Sam had said, just a few days before.
My dad went on. “Ally went in to check on him this morning. And honey…”
My dad, always articulate, paused here. There was a catch that interrupted his cadence. I knew he was struggling to say something that was going to change everything, for all time.
“Your brother’s gone.”
“No!” I yelled into the phone. “No, no, no! You’re wrong! You’re wrong! I began shaking.
“I’m so sorry, honey.”
I don’t remember the rest of the conversation. I had fled to the bathroom and fallen face down on the floor, sobbing. Matt finished a conversation with Dad somehow, and then came over and wrapped his arms around my prone body.
“Baby, it’s okay. I’m here. I’m so very sorry. I’m so sorry.”
I curled myself into a ball, crying that ugly cry where everything in your face is leaking. At that moment, I very much hated God for what seemed the incomprehensible decision to take a 36-year-old man away from his wife and three young daughters. This, to me, was the ultimate severance from the Lord whom I had loved and followed my whole life. Matt and I had weathered difficulty—even thrived in its wake—and yet I had still fallen from a cliff I hadn’t foreseen. I felt very much like everyone else in the world who has raised their fists at heaven in a fury of earthly misunderstanding and finite knowledge.
Matt pulled me off the floor and into his arms. “I am here. We will get through this together. I promise.”
In the following 48 hours, we managed to book five airline tickets, a rental car, and six nights in a California hotel with my parents and youngest brother. We crafted care instructions for our kids and our animals, wrote medical releases in case something should happen, notified their teachers, packed for a week, and stocked the house with groceries. I will look back on this brief period and then wonder how it was all done so quickly and correctly, as if it can be said there is a “right” way to course-correct an entire family in the onslaught of grief. And then I will remember that is was God. Other explanations evade me.
The funeral ceremony came together in similar perfection, with an availability of musicians and a pastor and a chapel that wouldn’t have made sense to anyone else but those who knew the Lord was behind it all, even the tragedy that no one could explain. My parents were insistent that the gospel be preached above all. Because, as my mother said, “This is the definition of why Christ went to the cross! So that death” (pointing to my brother laid out in the funeral home) “would not get the last word!”
All those who spoke about him remarked on Sam’s unwavering faith and his commitment to the belief that God was both the Author of all things and the only possibility for their success. A number of co-workers of Sam’s were in attendance that day, some of whom were atheists, some of whom had ribbed Sam for his stalwart Christianity. On the day of his funeral, they were exposed to the very gospel message itself.
Yearning for contentment
Who can know why the Lord blesses some and stays His hand from blessing others; why He permits hardship for the one, and ease for the other. What do I have? Blessings and hardship both, knit tightly, flowing side by side, some so close that they succeed one another in a single day. I have learned, as Paul wrote, to be content in all things: in plenty and in want, because my earthly portion includes both.
William Henry Channing, a nineteenth-century clergyman, summed up his philosophy of life like this: “To live content with small means; to see elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable; and wealthy, not rich; to listen to stars and birds, babes and sages, with open heart; to study hard, to think quietly, act frankly, talk gently, await occasions, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common.” I aspire to live this way. I seek to do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with God (Micah 6:8). I yearn for the contentment that only comes from stripping away the things that once seemed to matter most: money, health, houses. Even a brother.
My family and I, our portions include burdens and comforts, tragedies and tragic-comedies, failing flesh, but the power of God. We have plenty of one to deal with the other, and a growing contentment in all things. We have lost much, failed grandly, hurt often. But we are newly content.
Rob and Rhonda Bugh have what one might consider to be a fairy tale love story. The two were previously married and widowed, and their pasts were long intertwined. Rob was best friends with Rhonda’s first husband, Tom, and the two families often spent weekends together water skiing and snow skiing. Rhonda’s three children were well acquainted with Rob’s four and grew up together attending church and enjoying vacations.
So when Rob and Rhonda lost their spouses to cancer within 18 months of each other, it seemed natural to many of their friends that they should get married. “We began to discover that people were praying that Rhonda and I would get together,” Rob says.
Rob is the senior pastor of Wheaton Bible Church in Chicago, a church of more than 4,000, and Rhonda is an established pediatrician. Both are successful, godly people who took the time to study and prepare for the next step of forming a blended family. “We did all the research,” Rhonda says.
They even took their children to a therapist to discuss grief and the concerns that might come up. Rob and Rhonda felt confident on the day they took their vows that, even though their dating and engagement period was less than a year, they had prevented any major problems from developing and expected an easy transition.
And then they started their life together.
Parenting differences
All of their children were grown and living on their own, except for 13-year-old Ryan, Rob’s son. Rob and Rhonda soon discovered that their parenting styles were very different. While Rob was much more laid back about family rules, Rhonda was stricter. “For example, it was no problem for Rob that Ryan would dribble basketballs in the house,” Rhonda said. “But our new home (which was a new construction that no one had ever lived in before) had hard wood floors, and I was not okay with that.”
Rob felt a lot of guilt regarding Ryan’s needs, fearing that his son wasn’t getting the kind of love and attention a grieving boy deserves. Rhonda felt that Rob’s love for Ryan was putting her at a distant second place. And Ryan was dealing with suppressed bitterness that developed early on when he saw his dad kissing Rhonda during their courtship. So there was a lot of tension in the home about whose parenting rules were right. A lot of decisions were within the backdrop of hurt feelings.
The Bughs also discovered that the way they showed love for one another was different. Rhonda showed love through practical means, like doing something kind for Rob, which is known as “acts of service” in a book by Gary Chapman called The Five Love Languages. And Rob showed love through words that uplift and encourage, known as “words of affirmation.” So the way the couple tried to show affection wasn’t connecting.
They also discovered that they were not resolving conflict effectively. Neither trusted the other person to be truly regretful. “Rob would say, ‘I’m sorry,’ and that meant nothing to me. It seemed cheap and insincere,” Rhonda says, “so I would harbor bitterness towards him.”
Looking for answers
The couple who had been so much in love just a few months earlier was having serious reservations about the viability of their marriage. “If we hadn’t been the strong Christians that we are, I don’t think we would have made it,” Rob says. But they wanted to honor God with their marriage and make things work.
Desperate for answers, Rob reached out to Ron Deal, author of The Smart Stepfamily and director of FamilyLife Blended™, a ministry dedicated to building healthy God-honoring stepfamilies. The Bughs had read Ron’s books as a dating couple, but “nothing we read could have prepared us for what we faced,” Rhonda says. “We just hadn’t given our relationship enough time to develop before we got married.”
Ron assured Rob and Rhonda that the conflicts they were experiencing were issues most blended couples face. “He enabled us to throttle back our expectations,” Rob says, “and we learned to lean into God’s grace and extend that grace to one another.”
Ron counseled Rob to make Rhonda a higher priority than Ryan. “Ron taught us that blood is thicker than marriage,” Rhonda says. They had to learn to fight the urge to automatically side with their children in conflicts and see the issues as a team. “I knew it was biblical,” Rob says, “so I had to work on holding back my reactions and agree with Rhonda more.”
They also made date nights a priority each week. “We had to build a relationship with each other,” Rob says. “We tried to fit in dates anywhere we could, even going on long business trips together and finding time to get away for some one-on-one time.”
Rhonda learned how to adjust to a new family and a new sense of normal. “In a remarried widowed situation, the tendency during conflict is to want things to go back the way things used to be in your previous marriage. But that can’t happen,” Rhonda says. “Ron helped me accept my situation and to see that we were normal. He affirmed what I was feeling, and helped me realize our struggles were not unusual.”
Rob adds, “We learned through Ron’s teaching that the honeymoon for remarried couples isn’t at the front of the marriage; it’s on the backend. And we’re experiencing the fruit of that now.”
It takes longer
The couple has now been married over eight years, and “it gets better every day,” Rob says. He and Rhonda continue to use Ron Deal’s resources in their church and their ministry and have hosted Ron’s Successful Stepfamily event. They have also led a blended family small group, and Rob and Rhonda are now both on the advisory board for FamilyLife Blended.
“When you join two families together, you are merging at 75 miles per hour. It’s not going to be a smooth transition,” Rob says. “The most important lesson to me was that blending a family takes a lot longer than I thought.”
“It has been a rocky road,” Rhonda says, “but I have a husband that is intelligent and godly, and I thank God for him every day. All the work has been worth it.”
Copyright 2016 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.
I remember wrestling with the idea of having a personal faith for the first time.
I had grown up in a great church, had a high regard for the Bible, and was confident I was a Christian. But early in college I was accosted with the actuality that there are not just millions, but billions of people in the world who are not Christians. Did that mean they are all wrong? Or that I was wrong in my beliefs? Or did it mean anything at all?
It was an important internal conversation that drove me to a really difficult question: “So am I a Christian simply because I followed what my parents believe?”
Yikes. Scary thought. Because there is no greater fear as a teen than the thought that you may have unknowingly become like your parents.
I realized that my faith had to be something I owned completely, not just an accidental parental spillover. Thus started the process of learning how to make my faith my own. It took a couple of messy years, and I’d do things differently if possible, but it was absolutely critical.
As you think of your teenage son, what is your greatest fear? Is it bodily injury? Sexual immorality? Failing out of school? Addiction to drugs or alcohol? These are certainly legitimate concerns. But your greatest fear for him, and your greatest joy, needs to be centered on his spiritual growth. In the fourth verse of 3 John, it says, “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.”
So how do you help your teenage son make his faith his own while he’s in your home? Is that even possible? There are no guarantees this will happen under your watch, but there are a few steps you can take to create the right environment for him to grow.
1. Help him gain trust and confidence in the authority of God’s Word.
For several years I worked in campus ministry. When I talked with students, one of the main objections to Christianity was the reliability of the Bible. A guy once said to me, “On what basis can you say that Jesus was actually a real person?”
“The Bible,” I replied.
“Oh, everyone knows you can’t trust that,” he said in an incredulous and dismissive tone. “So let’s not even bring that into the conversation.” Notice that he wasn’t even able to say the word “Bible.”
“Well, if you’ll tolerate me just a little longer, and if you can be open minded enough, I’ll try to make a case as to why the Bible is actually reliable.”
This is one of the most common misconceptions about Christianity—that the Bible is an out-of-date book that has changed so much that no one can trust any of the words. I guarantee your son will encounter this argument in college, if he hasn’t already. So help strengthen his confidence in the Book that is the basis of everything Christians believe. Attend workshops, visit museums, read good books together … anything you can do to unpack solid historical evidence for the Bible. An easy place to start is Josh McDowell’s book, More Than a Carpenter. It’s short, and over 27 million copies in over 100 languages have been distributed—so the ideas in it have been tested.
But don’t just leave it there. Help him see that the Bible is not only historically reliable, but that it’s trustworthy for life. You really can base your life on it. Hebrews 4:12 says, “The word of God is living and active…” (emphasis added). It’s not just an ancient collection of accurate facts; it’s where true life is found.
2. Help him develop a “band of brothers.”
You play a critical role in your son’s journey to make his faith his own. But you can’t do it all—he needs guys his age who will help him grow in his faith.
I know a dad who became so burdened about this that he got some other dads together and started a weekly gathering with their sons. Over time that turned into the sons continuing to meet on their own for Bible study and accountability. They named their group the “Roof Crashers” (after the passage in Luke 5:17-26). Though these young men knew their dads were involved in forming this group, they began to see it as their own thing—they came to own it. But even they acknowledge it probably never would have started without the dads taking the initiative.
It’s easy to feel like you can’t do anything about his friends, but you can; and not in an authoritative way, “forbidding” him to be around certain friends—that can have the opposite effect. Instead, seek to bring good influences around your, limit the bad, and pray for wisdom.
3. Strengthen your marriage.
While working in student ministry, my wife and I spent many days telling students about Jesus and teaching them how to do the same. We also realized early on that students loved to be in our home. At first we couldn’t figure out why, but we took advantage of it, hosting Bible studies and mentor meetings—often around meals and coffee.
Did they come to our home for the coffee and food? Partly. But the real reason was to know if what we believe really worked. Did it work at home? Did we really love each other, or were we just acting like it in public? So many of them had not seen marriage work.
Years later, none of them have come back to say, “Thanks so much for teaching me those Scriptures or that theological truth.” But on more than one occasion they’ve said, “Thanks for having me in your home.”
Given that one of the two greatest commandments in Scripture is to “love your neighbor as yourself,” and your closest neighbor is your spouse, I would make the case that marriage provides the greatest opportunity to teach your children about your faith. Because if you can’t live it out at home, they will likely wonder what the point is.
I often heard my mom say, “If you treat your wife half as well as your dad does, you’ll be a great husband.” Wow, what a testimony. So help your son make his faith his own by taking your wife out for a date. And then do it again next week, and the next … you get the idea.
4. Help him develop spiritual disciplines.
“Disciplines” is often seen as a dirty word when it comes to the spiritual life, implying a sort of distant ritualism. So maybe a better word is “practices” or “habits.” Just like any other area of life (sports, instruments, academics), there are certain habits you have to master to get better.
So what are the key things a young man can do on a daily basis to help him grow in his spiritual life?
The most common spiritual habits are Bible study and prayer. Anything you can do to help promote and encourage the building of these disciplines will help your son make his faith his own. In college I read the book Disciplines of a Godly Man by Kent Hughes with two other close friends, and that book had a huge influence on each of us. Why not meet with your son once a week to read and talk through a chapter of that book? Maybe involve some other dads and their sons as well—and you’ll be helping them build a band of brothers (see #2) as a bonus.
5. Get him around quality men.
One of the most important influences of my life was my high school youth minister, Kerry Jones. I wanted to be like him at every level. He was athletic, wise, patient, and was always quoting Scripture. He had the rare gift of quieting a room of raucous teens with his own silence. I found every excuse I could to spend time with him because I wanted his life to rub off on mine. Find men your son can look up to and find reasons to get around them. It could be a camping trip, or just hanging out for a ball game, or sports, but make up reasons for your son to get around them.
6. Get away together.
When Dennis Rainey asked his oldest son, Benjamin, “What was the most important thing I did as a parent?” Benjamin answered, “You were intentional.” Being intentional, even if you don’t get everything right, is what dads are called to do. Even when your son is resisting your entry into his life, you still have to press in, because he needs you.
I just took my son on a three-day canoe trip through a wilderness area, and we had the best time. But it wouldn’t have happened unless I had been intentional to organize it. And that trip opened the door for us to have a weekly mentoring time together, something I’ve wanted to initiate for a while and felt the door finally opened.
You can’t force your son into a personal relationship with Christ, but you can take the initiative to do something to move him toward faith.
7. Emphasize the gospel.
A friend recently told me he didn’t think he was a Christian because of his struggles with alcoholism. I said, “You’re being a legalist.” He was basing his acceptance before God entirely on his own actions. But you can never get to God that way. In fact, you can’t behave well enough to get to God. Your worth before God is based on His work on your behalf, not your work on His behalf.
My alcoholic friend needs to trust Christ to help him overcome his addiction, as the Bible clearly condemns addiction to alcohol; but he is wrong to base his salvation on his performance.
When you see someone being a legalist, help your son recognize what’s going on and point to the gospel. And if you see someone doing the opposite—rejecting God’s law and living without any biblical direction—point that out to your son as well. Help him fall in love with Jesus, not behavior.
8. Make sure he knows you love him.
Most kids at least partly base their view of God on their view of their parents. If their parents were overbearing, authoritative jerks, then they partly think of God that way. If their parents were free-living, licentious louts, then they might look at God that way.
One way you can battle this is to make sure your kids know your love for them is not based on their performance. You certainly want to encourage and direct good behavior, but don’t ever let them think you will love them more than you already do for hitting the game-winning shot or cleaning their room.
You can do this by saying it out loud, especially when they fail. Just simply say, “Son, I love you, and I want you to know that I’m proud of you for getting out there and trying.” And leave it at that. Don’t even add the “But you should have kept your elbow in on that shot.” No, just leave it alone. Let his coach handle that.
9. Teach him how to serve others.
One of the hardest things to do in life is get your eyes off yourself. In fact, dwelling too much on yourself is one of the quickest paths to misery and depression. For years my dad would get up early on Saturday mornings and go downtown to feed the homeless. And he didn’t do it begrudgingly; rather it was a great delight and privilege.
That was a powerful example for me. And it became even more powerful the first time he took me along. Look to create opportunities like this—feed the homeless, help a neighbor on a home project, help an older neighbor with yard work. It doesn’t take much.
10. Help him wrestle with challenges to Christianity.
The first time a young person hears someone question the authority of the Bible shouldn’t be in college. Neither should that be his first exposure to Islam or Buddhism. Anticipate the issues he will encounter and help him wrestle with them in your home. One way to do this is by hosting international college students. We have a friendship with a Muslim family that visits our home occasionally, and we love to talk about our traditions and religions in a way that invites friendly dialogue. I want my son to know real people who believe real ideas.
Also help him learn the facts about your faith in an interesting way. This summer my son attended a camp where Josh McDowell brought in an ancient Bible manuscript and let him touch it. That’s real evidence of the trustworthiness of the Bible. Take him to museum displays (the Dead Sea Scrolls are often on tour in major museums, and there’s a forthcoming Museum of the Bible being built in Washington, D.C.). When you dig into the evidence, you’ll see it is staggering and reliable.
This is a long list of ideas and if you made it to this point, I want you to know I think you are a better Christian than those other guys. Oh wait … that’s legalism. Never mind.
It’s easy to feel like you can’t do anything to help your son grow in his faith, but you can do something. You really can. Pick just one thing from this article and begin to pray for God to open the door for you take action this week.
Stepfamilies naturally foster a lot of frustration. Each family comes with its own expectations and traditions, and it’s not easy when those seemingly harmless actions require change or cause too much division. Sometimes just simple events of everyday life can create hurt feelings and anger that send families down the road to isolation. Each spouse sides with his or her own biological children, and then the family plummets into a kind of civil war.
But there is an exit off the road of isolation that leads to what I like to call Harmony Street! There are mile markers along your journey that can help you identify problem areas, and I have some ways you can bring peace even through touchy, awkward situations.
Here’s a glance at one stepfamily home and some of the mile markers that you may find if your relationship is headed down the same path.
Mile Marker 1: The One-Sided Tradition
Fourteen-year-old Kari was in the kitchen making cupcakes for her younger brother’s birthday. It was a valued ritual she started when he was very young. Big sister would make the cupcakes, and the two of them would eat them warm out of the oven … while leaving the kitchen a mess.
Mile Marker 2: The Rub
Kari’s stepmother of two years, Sara, walked into the kitchen after returning home from an errand. She happened to enter the kitchen just as her husband came in at the same time.
Upon discovering the mess, Sara gave her husband, Randy, “the look.” Randy knew exactly what she was saying and feeling. Annoyed that the kitchen was not cleaned up right away, Sara was nonverbally asking Randy—again—to get his daughter to clean up after herself.
Randy was aware that Sara basically views Kari as irresponsible. Sara had confronted Kari about this in the past.
But Randy views Kari as fun-loving, a good big sister, and in need of encouragement. Besides, he thought, what’s the big deal with the kitchen anyway?
Randy views Sara as negative and too controlling of his kids.
Sara views Randy as too permissive.
Mile Marker 3: Choosing Sides
In response to “the look” Randy spoke not to Kari, but to his wife, Sara. He fears that if Sara aggressively confronts his daughter, she will inadvertently shoot herself in the foot, making acceptance by Kari all the more difficult. So he tried to detour Sara’s complaint. “Oh come on–it’s not a big deal. Besides, I’m sure you want one of those cupcakes, right?”
Sara instantly feels unheard, minimized, and unimportant. Her concerns that Kari will not learn responsibility have been ignored, which is frustrating. And Randy doesn’t realize that Sara is fearful that Kari’s feelings matter more to Randy than she does.
This touches a deep bruise on Sara’s heart: being unimportant to the man she loves. She felt this growing up from her father and her first husband who left her. In her fear and frustration she reacts with anger and accusation. “You are afraid of punishing or expecting anything from her—and what I want has no value to you at all.”
Mile Marker 4: Identifying Your Spouse as the Enemy
Randy feels frustrated that Sara can’t let the dirty kitchen go, and his belief that Sara is a rigid, authoritarian parent is solidified. But even more, he feels controlled. “Sara is resorting to the same type of guilt manipulation my parents give each other,” he shared with a friend. “She uses guilt as leverage and I really think it’s unfair.”
Determined not to make his kids go through what he endured from his parents as a child, Randy defends Kari and argues with Sara, pointing out how wonderful it is that a big sister would do this for her brother. Over time, Randy and Sara argue repeatedly over parenting situations like this. In no time, not only are they polarized as parents, but they find themselves many miles down the highway of isolation and fear.
Harmony Street exit
It’s at this point where many couples give up, but all is not lost. There are many things that must change in order for Randy and Sara to save their marriage, but with some work, they can have a great marriage and raise the likelihood that their home achieves family harmony. Here are some key aspects to exiting Isolation Highway.
First, both spouses must be willing to empathically listen to the other. This could create a huge shift in the emotional direction of their home. Stepmom Sara may realize that her need for instant cleanliness is actually getting in the way of Kari’s desire to be accepted by her—something Sara also wants. Randy may discover that Sara has good will toward Kari, not hostile intent, and is really trying to equip her for life. Empathy for the goals and needs of the other may soften their hearts toward one another.
Second, both spouses must turn down the intensity of the pain from their past or they will continue to be highly reactive with one another. This is where prayer and forgiveness come into the picture. There’s no way to avoid baggage from the past in a stepfamily, but as Christians, you can learn to forgive your previous offenders and work on trusting your new spouse and their family.
Third, couples must realize their tendency in parenting and work to avoid extremes. Stepparents often move toward hard and strict parenting, and biological parents tend to move toward permissive parenting. Neither is helpful. And ironically, neither is actually the natural parenting style of the adults. If they slowed down, were less defensive, and less argumentative with each other, they would realize their parenting philosophies are actually more alike than different. Husband and wife have to get on the same page.
Merging two cultures
Harmony Street is really just a place of common ground. Integrating a stepfamily is about merging two cultures—each with their own set of traditions and boundaries. For Randy and his kids, leaving the kitchen dirty while enjoying warm cupcakes is permissible; for Sara it is not. So Randy and Sara must come together without the kids and decide how they can meet in the middle.
When adults talk about these expectations, they agree to a set of rules that’s best for everyone in the family. This usually means stepparents must loosen up, and biological parents must tighten down. Sara must consider what’s more important—a clean kitchen or a closer relationship with Kari. And Randy must consider what he can do to help his daughter learn to be more responsible, despite what has always been the norm in their home.
The exit to Harmony Street isn’t easy to find. Sometimes you might get off at the wrong exit and have to find your way back. But don’t get discouraged and give up! With the help of the Holy Spirit, you will have the strength to make it.
For many years, Tom Elliff and his wife, Jeannie, took time away from their normal routines to get away and be together. They read Scripture together, they prayed, they had a wonderful time talking about their lives.
One year Tom decided to elevate the discussion and, in the process, open himself up in a way few husbands ever do. He developed a list of questions over a few months, basing them on issues he knew were of concern to Jeannie, and then sprung them on her at breakfast one morning during a retreat in the Rockies.
Here’s the list of questions to ask your wife:
What could I do to make you feel more loved?
What could I do to make you feel more respected?
What could I do to make you feel more understood?
What could I do to make you more secure?
What can I do to make you feel more confident in our future direction?
What attribute would you like me to develop?
What attribute would you like me to help you develop?
What achievement in my life would bring you greatest joy?
What would indicate to you that I really desire to be more Christ-like?
What mutual goal would you like to see us accomplish?
Optional: Have I overlooked any question you would like for me to ask?
You’re probably thinking, There is absolutely, positively, no way I’m ever going to ask my wife questions like that.
That type of vulnerability takes courage.
When I interviewed Tom and Jeannie on FamilyLife Today®, I asked her how those questions made her feel. Jeannie replied that the first thing that crossed her mind was a sense of tremendous honor that her husband wanted to know how she felt about important issues in their lives. “I was almost blown away,” she recalled. “It was wonderful.”
Before her death in 2015, Tom reviewed these same 10 questions with Jeannie many times. When he told me about this experience, I couldn’t help but think it was a perfect illustration of 1 Peter 3:7, which instructs husbands, “You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life …”
Asking these questions, and actually listening to the answers, helps a husband understand his wife’s heart. It connects them in a deeper way and makes them accountable to each other.
This is the type of love, understanding, and leadership we are called to as men.
When our son Luke was playing in the NBA, he had a conversation with one of his teammates on a day they received their paychecks. His teammate explained to him how some of the paycheck went to the mother of one of his children, some of it went to the mother of another one of his children and some of it went to the mother of another one of his children. The rest, he explained, was all his.
“What about you?” the player asked Luke. “How many of your kids’ moms do you have to pay before you see any of that check?”
Luke, somewhat caught off guard, explained to him that he was married and didn’t have any children.
“You didn’t have any children before you were married?” the player asked.
“I got married as a virgin,” Luke said.
The player couldn’t believe it and, initially, actually thought that he was joking.
“I lost my virginity in seventh grade!” the player exclaimed.
I tell this story not to paint Luke and his wife, Hope, as angels, but to remind you of the culture parents are up against and why it is so crucial to lead your children to a point where they can realize and believe that the straight and narrow isn’t just the way their parents want them to live but the better way for them to live. Unfortunately, this is something they have to figure out for themselves, much like how God grants us free will to experience what life is like without Him in order for us to realize how much we need Him.
Just as it is important to discipline your children to help teach them right from wrong, it is just as important to eventually trust your children. Demonstrate your trust in them early, too. They may be more willing to obey if they don’t feel like you are always trying to control.
A taste of trust
In the process of moving from Minnesota to Indiana, we stayed in a hotel during the transition period. Cody was 6 months old, Tyler was 3, and Luke was 6. Steve and I needed to go over some of the paperwork for the house we just closed on in Minnesota and our new mortgage in Indiana. We needed about 20 minutes without the kids. We gathered them and whispered to them, as if they were on a top-secret mission, “We’re going to go down the hallway and fill out some paperwork. While we’re gone, don’t let anybody in the room.”
We wanted them to feel like they were in charge. We wanted to give them responsibility.
“So when we come back,” I whispered, “The password is ‘Batman.’ If someone knocks and doesn’t get the password right, don’t let them in.”
They nodded. There was an excitement in their eyes that they were going to be in their own hotel room alone without their parents. They were taking the task we had given them very seriously.
In all actuality, we just sat in the hallway—if something horrible happened we would hear it. But they didn’t know this, and 20 minutes later, when we had the paperwork completed, we “returned.”
Steve knocked on the door of our hotel room. We could hear their feet shuffling on the other side as they all ran to the door.
“What’s the password?” they said.
“Let’s test them,” I whispered to Steve. He nodded.
“Robin?” I said.
We could hear their little whispers on the other side. They didn’t know what to say since we got the password wrong.
Eventually, Tyler spoke up: “Say ‘Batman’ and we’ll let you in.”
Moving past the “strict discipline” stage
Just as failing to discipline your children will lead them to running the house, failing to trust your children will lead them to leaving the house. This is the progression that took place within our household—from strict discipline (very little trust) to disciplined intertwined with trust (you trust them the more they prove they can be trusted) to total trust (very little discipline).
If trust is never exhibited, the home environment becomes a place where children feel as if their parents are constantly nagging them or striving to control them. The result is that they eventually leave the house and search for alternate means of escaping. If your children do not feel comfortable in their own home, it’s important to ask yourself why. Could it be because you never moved past the “strict discipline” stage? Could it be because they don’t feel like you trust them?
When Steve and I were dating, it was decided one Christmas that Steve would come out to Colorado with my family. He had never been out west before. Since we were leaving early the next morning to drive from Iowa to Colorado, Mom suggested that Steve stay at our place so we could leave directly from our house. With three bedrooms upstairs, there was plenty of room in the house, so it made sense for him to stay. However, when we returned to my parents’ house that evening after going out for a movie, we noticed that my parents had made a bed for Steve on our old, worn-down living room sofa downstairs.
All throughout the night, as Steve tried to sleep, the sofa cushions kept sliding out from underneath him. He eventually ended up sleeping on the cold, hardwood floor and only got a couple hours of sleep before a grueling road trip out west.
I was upset with my parents. There was an extra bedroom upstairs that Steve could have slept in, but they didn’t even trust us enough to let us sleep on the same story of the house? Honestly, it made me feel like they didn’t think very highly of me and my ability to make good decisions. They did a good job of trusting me in other situations, and fortunately that feeling of insignificance never became a trend.
But for some children this does become a continued feeling. And consequently, because children feel like their parents don’t trust them to make good decisions, they will lash out by making bad decisions. It is a helpless feeling for a child to feel like he or she cannot do anything right.
Trust, on the other hand, empowers them. They say the best leaders are the ones who can instill confidence in those below them. This is what parenting becomes—giving your children confidence to live their own lives and make wise decisions.
When you trust your children, they’ll confide in you
If your children don’t feel like they have the freedom to live their own lives, then they most likely will not confide in you since they are trying to get away from you. And if they don’t feel comfortable talking to you about the big things in life, then where will they turn? The internet, search engines, or perhaps their own curiosity.
Our first experience with discussing the “birds and the bees” with our children came on one Easter Sunday when Luke was 9, Tyler was 6, and Cody was 3.
We allowed them to let our pet bunnies, Bubba and Fluffy, loose in the house, which we hardly ever allowed them to do. When we let them free on that infamous Easter Sunday, however, Bubba and Fluffy “connected” for the entire family to see. That was an interesting introduction to reproduction.
Of course, we revisited the “birds and the bees” talks with each of our children several years after the Bubba/Fluffy incident. We didn’t overwhelm them with these talks, but we at least wanted them to know that they could talk to us about anything. Cody remembers Steve coming out into the sunroom when he was in middle school and bluntly saying to him, “So, Mom said you heard about sex.”
“Uh, yeah, I heard something about it,” Cody said awkwardly.
“Well, if you have any questions, just ask me,” Steve said.
“All right,” Cody grinned uncomfortably.
“I’d rather have you learn it from me than one of your buddies from school.”
Luke, Tyler, and Cody, at one point or another, all confided in us about some of these “taboo” subjects as they got older. Each time, we made sure that we weren’t surprised or shocked by the things they were telling us because we wanted them to continue coming to us for advice. Any type of emotion or overreaction to these things can make the home feel unsafe to your children. Rather, we treated the details they were telling us as “normal,” but then used our conversation as an opportunity to give them practical advice and sharpen their worldview.
The goal of every parent must be for their household to become a safe-haven to talk about anything and everything, as you move from strict discipline to trust. Trust is the tool that, ironically, gives your children the confidence to also trust in you as a parent.
How many times in my Christian life have I heard that Jesus rose from the grave?
How many times did I hear that I would be resurrected from death?
These were facts that I knew, but until I personally walked through the valley of the shadow of death, the knowledge was only in my head.
September 24, 2010, was a beautiful autumn day. The weather was perfect. My baby girl was 3 months old, and the happiest baby you’ve ever seen. My 2-year-old son loved her, and we were looking forward to a fun family weekend with my husband, David, who had recently done a lot of traveling.
Life couldn’t have been better.
I knew something was wrong when I came home from an afternoon appointment with the pediatrician; my husband wasn’t home like he was supposed to be. He was nowhere to be found. I called his cell phone but it went to voicemail. No one had seen or heard from him in hours. I went on a mad search looking for him all over town, and when I got home there was a police car waiting for me.
A terrible nightmare
“Ma’am, your husband is dead.” Those words blared in my head like a giant gothic church bell, drowning out the sounds of everything else. I struggled to hear. They explained that he was involved in a head-on collision and died instantly. No last words, no hugs and kisses goodbye. He was just … gone … forever.
My mind raced to explain it all away. I felt like I was in a terrible nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. In my mind I tried to find some hope: Maybe he just appeared dead but wasn’t. Maybe they had the wrong guy. I demanded proof.
I loved that man with all my heart—how could he be dead? That meant all of it was over—the happy ending, the laughter, the private jokes. He was the one I trusted with everything, the father of my children, my very best friend. He couldn’t be dead!
But the terrible tragedy of death is the permanence. And no matter how many different ways you try to fix the problem, there is no solution.
That was the day that death became real to me. It wasn’t just for the elderly or criminals or people who live an unhealthy lifestyle. It doesn’t discriminate; and no matter how well you live, eat, or treat people, no matter how godly you are, death will come to the flesh of all of us, and there is no way to stop it.
A serious spiritual battle
The next several months were a blur of paperwork and legal issues, and then the winter set in with its cold, isolating darkness. The house seemed so lifeless when the children went to bed, save for my sobbing and desperate pleas for God’s help. I had many wonderful people to help me through, but on the inside I was fighting a serious spiritual battle between darkness and light.
I felt like Jesus in the wilderness—exposed, starving, and away from the shelter of those who love me, especially my reassuring spouse. Satan attacked me with all kinds of doubts about the love and sovereignty of God.
“If God really loves you, why did He let this happen?”
“If God is really in control, why didn’t He stop that wreck?”
“Is all this God stuff real?”
“Has God abandoned you?”
“What have you done to deserve such a curse?”
The book of John became my milk and bread. I held onto every word of Jesus. As the worship song “Rescue” so perfectly explains it, “I need You, Jesus, to come to my rescue; where else can I go?” As much as Satan tried to separate me from the love of God, there was no other place to go. No one could offer hope except Christ.
Jesus and Lazarus
Of all the people throughout history, Jesus understood my grief, just as He displayed in John 11 through the death of His beloved friend Lazarus. The story begins with messengers who told Jesus that Lazarus was sick, but Jesus purposely stayed longer so Lazarus woulddie! Everyone thought Jesus would rush back and heal His close friend, like He had done so many others. But He did just the opposite.
When Jesus finally came, Lazarus had been dead four days. Both of Lazarus’ sisters said, “Lord, if you had come, our brother would not have died.”
I had said those same words so many times after David was killed! It was like hearing my own voice. They knew Jesus could have healed their brother if He wanted to, but now Lazarus was dead.
Then Jesus said these powerful words to Martha: “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he dies, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die.”
What a declaration! Jesus is not just saying He has power over death, but that He is the very essence of life!
Yet, even in His confident power, He was compassionate in the midst of the mourning people, and He wept. I knew then that He wept for me. Inside of His sovereign control, He could feel my pain. He wasn’t looking down at me from His throne demanding, “Get over it, Sabrina. If you really trusted me, you wouldn’t whine like this.” No, He was there with me in depths of darkness, weeping with compassion for me.
Jesus instructed the people to remove the gravestone, despite warnings that the body would smell, and He called to Lazarus, “Come out!” And Lazarus came.
Jesus had shown the glory of God and displayed His authority over man’s greatest enemy. Many think that enemy is Satan, but the real adversary is death. In the words of Matt Maher’s “Christ Is Risen”: “Oh Church! Come stand in the light! The glory of God has defeated the night!”
Jesus knew when He let Lazarus die that His purpose was greater than just healing. Even then He told His disciples, “This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified” (John 11:4).
Jesus brought Lazarus to life, and one day He will shout out David’s name in the same way. And mine too, if the Lord tarries. With a loud shout, the graves of all those who believe will answer to the call of our Savior and King.
Life coming from death
I made it through the winter beaten and bruised and battle weary. And then came Easter.
It was early that year, and I saw it for all its glory for the first time in my life. Resurrection seemed to be everywhere as the blooms of the dogwood and redbud trees peaked out of the bare branches. Leaf buds portrayed promise; birds sang with the sun; and daffodils were reaching for the sky with their yellow petals of praise.
It was Resurrection Day, and I could see life coming from death all around me, just as God promised through His son Jesus. Lazarus was alive; Jesus was alive; David and all the rest of us who proclaim the name of Christ were alive forevermore!
That’s where the hope is. If death hasn’t been conquered, then what is this life all about? It all fades into nothing. If death has not been conquered, there is no need for a better tomorrow or an inheritance for future generations. There is no reason for growth, investment, or legacy. Life has no meaning without the work that Jesus accomplished on the cross and in His own resurrection.
But because Jesus’ own tomb is empty, we can face tomorrow with all its trials, tribulations, even the death of our most precious loved ones.
How underrated we have made the Easter holiday! It should be a celebration of epic proportions, fit for the greatest Bridegroom in the history of mankind.
Something happened to me that bright Easter morning after David’s death—a miraculous healing of sorts. The grief wasn’t gone, but the hopelessness was. Heaven opened up to me, in a way, and everything shifted into an eternal perspective. I realized Easter isn’t just about the day the stone was rolled away from Jesus’ grave. No, it’s much more than that. It’s about the day that Jesus rolled away the stone of every believer’s grave. Easter is about our resurrection, through Him. Because of Him, we are alive.
I know beyond a doubt why all this happened to me and my family. I know why Jesus wasn’t there to stop the wreck that took David’s life—it was for the glory of God, so the Son of God would be glorified. But this story does not end in death; it ends in resurrection.
As a high school student, I was not the best in my English classes. That struggle continued with me all the way into my freshman classes in college. My struggle has many elements. English was essentially my third language as I was raised speaking Dutch and grew up in a Spanish-speaking neighborhood in Southern California.
What I do remember from all of my English classes, however, is the use of past tense, present tense, and future tense. As I read through the book of Isaiah in the Old Testament, I am amazed by a past-tense description of something extraordinary that wouldn’t happen for another 700 years.
In Isaiah 53, Isaiah the prophet was describing the death of Jesus as if it had already happened. He uses all past tense language:
He was despised and rejected by men.
He was a man of sorrows.
He was acquainted with our grief.
He carried our sorrows.
He was pierced for our transgressions.
He was crushed for our iniquities.
The Lord laid on Him the iniquity of us all.
Yet He bore the sin of many, and makes intercession for the transgressors.
He was describing in vivid detail what would happen 700 years later on the hill at Calvary: the crucifixion of Jesus Christ as He paid a debt He did not owe. It was the debt for you and me and all mankind. Jesus’ death on the cross paid the debt I could not pay and washed away my sins, making me clean in the sight of God.
Isaiah 53:6 says, “We, like sheep, have all gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all.” This, of course, is a reference to the fact that all of us have failed. You lie once, you’ve failed. You cheat once, you’ve failed. You’re mean to your sibling, you’ve failed. If you don’t honor your mom and dad, you’ve failed. It doesn’t take big mistakes for us to go astray. We don’t have to be murderers or idolaters—one little mistake creates a problem between God and us.
That problem requires a price to be paid to satisfy the judgment of God. None of us can solve that problem and so God made a way. That way is named Jesus.
On Good Friday, He bore the shame, the nails, and the agony; the punishment we deserved was placed on Jesus. Then, Easter Sunday morning, He went from being a murdered, possible Messiah to a murdered, risen, living Messiah! The tomb was empty and Jesus had defeated death.
Isaiah 53 states the reality of the gospel: “Upon Him was the chastisement that brought us peace.” Jesus was born a perfect man, lived a perfect life, died a perfect death, and resurrected three days later.
The chastisement upon Him brought us peace: “Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ” (Romans 5:1).
This Easter, place your hope in the One who paid your debt, bore your sins, and was the Man of sorrows. He has paid the ultimate price. Have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Isaiah prophesied 700 years before it happened. The life and death of Jesus gives us all peace and hope only a Savior can give.
Rejoice in His death and resurrection and the peace that gives us. Rejoice, for He has risen!
Copyright 2014 by Mario Zandstra. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
“If human love does not carry a man beyond himself, it is not love. If love is always discreet, always wise, always sensible and calculating, never carried beyond itself, it is not love at all. It may be affection, it may be warmth of feeling, but it has not the true nature of love in it.”
So spoke the great teacher Oswald Chambers at the turn of the twentieth century. Love, he taught, is a passionate feeling that needs to suffuse our relationships with others. It can’t be calculated, it can’t be turned on and off, and it has to be ever-present in your relationship with your daughter.
But as a dad, you know love also requires work and recruitment of the will. If it is to survive, it has to live in the real world. Real love is gritty. It sweats and waits, it causes you to hold your tongue when you want to scream obscenities in anger, and it causes many men to accomplish extraordinary feats.
As natural as the love you feel toward your daughter might me, there will be challenges to that love, from crying squalls when she’s a baby, to kindergarten tantrums, to other stresses of growing up that might show themselves in disrupted sleep patterns, moodiness, or ugly language. Your daughter, whatever her age, responds differently to stress than you do. If you’re upset, you might watch a football game, go for a jog, or go fishing. Not her. She wants to spill her tensions on you. It makes her feel better. So be ready—and don’t be surprised if she does this from an early age.
It’s inevitable, too, that your daughter will go through stages. She’ll draw close to you, then she’ll pull away. She’ll adore you, then she’ll want nothing to do with you. You need to love her not only when she is your sweet, affectionate girl, but also when she’s a real pain in the neck to be around. When she’s moody, you still need to communicate with her—and you need to keep yourself from exploding when she’s disagreeable.
Always come back
How do you do that? Discipline. Grit. Will.
If you need to distance yourself emotionally for a time, do it. If you need physical separation for a bit, okay. But always come back. Will, patience, calm, and persistence will pay off in your relationship with her. Nothing better expresses serious love than this combination of qualities.
Let her know that nothing she can do, even running away, getting pregnant, tattooing her ankle, or piercing her tongue, can make you stop loving her. Say that if you need to.
Love, as Chambers said, must push us beyond ourselves. It will jab every sensitive part of you and turn you inside out. Having kids is terrifying because parenting is like walking around with your heart outside your chest. It goes to school and gets made fun of. It jumps into cars that go too fast. It breaks and bleeds.
But love is voluntary. Your daughter cannot make you love her or think she is wonderful. She would do that if she could, but she can’t. How you love her, and when you show it, is within your control.
Most parents pull away from their teenage daughters, assuming they need more space and freedom. Actually, your teenage daughters need you more than ever. So stick with her. If you don’t, she’ll wonder why you left her.
A story of one father
When Allison started seventh grade, she changed schools. Her father had recently moved and Allison hated the move. When she got to her new school, she found a few classmates who shared her sour outlook on life. One kid’s father drank too much, another’s mother had moved away.
She and her friends got into a lot of trouble drinking and smoking dope. After several months of counseling and hard work, Allison’s parents decided she needed to receive treatment at a residential home for girls. She was furious. She began lying to her parents and stealing. This was particularly tough on her father, who was a new yet highly respected businessman in the community.
He told me he felt terribly guilty for moving his family and wondered out loud how he had failed Allison.
The weekend before she was to be admitted to the program, John did something brilliant. Painful, but brilliant. He told Allison that the two of them were going camping on an island with very few other people. I’m sure that this wasn’t exactly fun to think about for either of them, but he took charge. Miraculously, Allison packed her own things (John was expecting that he would have to). She even put her gear in the car, and off they went.
Neither spoke during the almost four hours in the car. They ferried to the island and set up camp. Over the weekend they talked only occasionally. They went for hikes, made pancakes, and read books. (I’ll bet John chose an island because he knew she couldn’t run away.) No earth-shattering conversations occurred between them. As a matter of fact, John said he didn’t even approach the subject of her bad behavior or the treatment program. They just camped.
After they returned home, Allison left for an eight-month stay at the nearby residential home. She improved, her depression lifted, and eventually she pulled her life back together. Nevertheless, her early high school years were tumultuous, and John’s relationship with his daughter remained strained.
But by the time she turned 18, their relationship had turned around. And by the time she graduated from college, he said, his friends were envious of his relationship with Allison.
When she was in her early 20s, Allison talked to her father about those difficult years. She felt guilty for causing her parents so much hurt. She told them she was sorry and that she couldn’t believe they had put up with her.
I asked her what had made the difference in her life. Without hesitation, she told me it was the camping trip with her dad.
“I realized that weekend that he was unshakeable. Sure, he was upset, but I saw that no matter what I did I could never push him out of my life. You can’t believe how good that made me feel. Of course, I didn’t want him to know that then. But that was it—the camping trip. I really think it saved my life. I was on a fast track to self-destruction.”
You will always be your daughter’s first love. What a great privilege—and opportunity to be a hero—that is.
During high school I had a serious girlfriend. We dated for almost a year and we spent every possible moment together. We started as friends, but that quickly escalated to something more.
I waited about a month to kiss her for the first time. I won’t bore you with the details, but within a few months, it wasn’t uncommon for our time together to include long make-out sessions.
Something began happening. The more time we spent making out, the more difficult it was to stop it from going further.
You probably know exactly what I’m talking about.
It’s almost as if God’s design is that once you start passionately kissing … you want to keep going!
This is where the inevitable question is asked: How far can we go?
It’s the biggest question Christians in relationships are forced to wrestle with almost every day.
Where’s the line?
Some couples never discuss it. This is the surest way to fail. Just hope it doesn’t progress. Any couple who has dated for any length of time and gets alone will quickly discover that kissing leads to passionate embraces, which evolve to groping … until soon it takes a dad with a shotgun to stop things from progressing further.
Those couples who do address the question usually are searching for a line to show them how far they should go. If they’ve read the Bible at all they know sex is for marriage. But what is sex? Sex is just intercourse, right? So the search for the line begins.
Some people will allow touching above the waist, others allow touching below the waist. Some will allow … this is getting a little explicit and uncomfortable for some of us reading, but these are the lines that young people search for. And most of them try to figure it out on their own … because very few Christians talk about it explicitly.
So most will continue to wonder, How far is too far?
Launch sequence
I think of the classic show Everybody Loves Raymond. In one episode, Raymond was walking around in his boxers while cleaning the house, and his wife, Debra, walked into the room, noticed him cleaning, and got turned on. (Yes, that is the key to a woman’s heart. Get off your butt and do something around the house!) She walked up to him, whispered in his ear, and began kissing him passionately.
Suddenly, she heard a sound upstairs from the kids and stopped her sexual advance. Frustrated with Debra, Raymond exclaimed, “What are you doing? You can’t stop. You already initiated the launch sequence!”
That’s the best advice we can give our kids: Don’t even initiate the launch sequence.
No, I’m not telling our kids they can’t kiss. In fact, I often word it the same way I worded it in my advice to guys in my book The Guy’s Guide to God, Girls and the Phone in Your Pocket: “Don’t do anything with your girlfriend you wouldn’t do in front of your grandmother.”
It’s like this: You’re a teenage guy and your family throws a big dinner for your birthday, inviting the entire extended family and your girlfriend. After dinner you open presents. Your girlfriend gives you a really nice gift and you lean over and give her a kiss in front of everyone. She blushes, the adults smile, and your little brother exclaims, “Ew, gross!”
Sounds innocent.
Now picture the exact same scenario, same crowd, same present from the girlfriend … but this time, when you lean over to kiss her, you start becoming a little more passionate. Instead of just kissing her, you crawl on top of her and start kissing her neck and breathing heavy.
Who would do this? Chances are Dad might spray you with the garden hose!
Why wouldn’t a teenage guy do this in front of Grandma and the whole family?
Perhaps because it’s … intimate. And intimate situations like this usually progress to something else. The world teaches us, Who cares if it progresses to something else? But God’s design is that intimate situations like this are really reserved for two people who have committed to each other for a life in marriage.
The wrong question
I commonly hear young people ask, “How far is too far? That’s like asking me, “How close to the fire can I get without getting burned?” Sadly, the only way to find out is to get burned.
News flash: We don’t have to learn everything in life the hard way.
So whenever a young couple asks me, “How far should we go?” I respond, “You’re asking the wrong question.”
The better question is, “How far can we stay away?”
Let’s look at the situation. Kids need to learn that:
God’s design is the best way; therefore, they should wantto wait until marriage for sex.
Sex isn’t just intercourse—it’s the whole process. After all, Jesus said lusting is the same as actually doing it.
No one should initiate the process unless they’re married—because the process is meant to be finished. And there’s only one person our kids should start and finish the process with—their spouse!
With these things in mind, encourage your kids to ask, “How can I be successful in saving myself for my spouse?”
Fleeing
The biggest issue many young people are going to have to address is, Do I want to live for the truth and make godly choices, or live for the quick thrill of the moment?
Those who want to stay pure need to realize the draw of sexual temptation and avoid it at all costs.
Maybe that’s why the Bible often uses the word flee.
Sometimes I use the following illustration when talking about fleeing:
Fact: Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
How many of you are going to store your toothbrush just five feet away? It’s only a foot shorter than the dentist recommends. Maybe only a few urine particles will splash into your toothbrush.
How many of you are going to store it right next to the toilet by the toilet paper roll? You could build a little shelf right there.
How many of you want to hang it by a string in the toilet bowl so that it is practically rinsed every time you flush?
If we’re told that we shouldn’t put our toothbrush within six feet of the toilet because of airborne particles, most of us will probably store our toothbrush about 20 feet away if possible. Why? Because the thought of poop fumes or pee splashes wandering onto our toothbrushes is not acceptable!
There is a principle here: If we discover danger to be within a certain proximity, we avoid that proximity completely.
Why don’t we do that with sexual temptation? We determine we don’t even want to start the process… then we go and put ourselves in situations where the process not only starts, but it’s hard to stop!
Why flirt with disaster?
Help your kids understand God’s design. They need to be careful not to initiate the launch sequence. Encourage them to save the amazing process of sex for marriage, and flee sexual temptation.
New dresses, bunny rabbits, and chocolate-covered eggs. What do these things have to do with the real meaning of Easter?
Nothing.
The real story of Easter is that of a loving God who sent His Son to live on earth … and then die to pay the penalty for our sins so we could spend eternity with Him (John 3:16). And helping children grasp this difficult concept is a critical responsibility for any Christian parent or teacher.
One of FamilyLife’s most popular resources, Resurrection Eggs, helps children understand the story of Christ’s death, burial, and resurrection. A set includes a dozen plastic eggs, each containing an object symbolizing part of our Savior’s journey to the cross and empty tomb. And it also comes with an instruction booklet that will help you explain what to say as every egg is opened.
Here are 12 different ways that you could use Resurrection Eggs to communicate the most life-changing story ever told in a way children can understand.
1. Easter egg hunt at home: Send your children on a hunt inside or outside your home that will lead them to lasting treasure—the true story of Easter. After all of the eggs have been found, gather together and open them in order. Find the symbol of Easter inside each, and read the accompanying story and Bible verse. You may want to ask older children to take turns reading.
2. Sunday school activity: Hide the eggs in the classroom before the children come in. When they have all arrived, send them on a “Resurrection Eggs hunt.” After they discover the eggs, ask the kids to give them to you, one by one. Then open each egg, ask the children what the object in it represents, and read the accompanying description from the Resurrection Eggs booklet.
3. Family devotions: For the 12 days leading up to Easter, open one Resurrection Egg per day, examining the object in it and reading the accompanying story. Open the last egg, which is empty, on Easter Sunday.
4. Easter dinner table decorations: Create an Easter centerpiece with a basket filled with Resurrection Eggs. Ask your dinner guests to each choose one or two eggs. As they open them, discuss what’s in the egg and what it has to do with the biblical account of the Resurrection.
5. Nursing home or assisted living facility: My friend Scott used a set of Resurrection Eggs to tell the true story of Easter with nursing home residents. He said that they enjoyed it as much, if not more, than kids do.
6. Long-distance loved ones: If your grandchildren or stepchildren live elsewhere, send them a set of Resurrection Eggs, and have one at your home, too. Then, using either Skype or FaceTime, go through the set together. You could go through all of the eggs in one evening. Or starting 11 days before Easter, open one egg together each day. Then, on Easter Sunday, open the last egg. It will be empty, representing Jesus’ empty tomb.
7. Neighborhood party: Host an Easter get-together for parents and kids in your neighborhood, using plastic eggs filled with candy and a set of FamilyLife’s Resurrection Eggs. After all of the eggs are discovered, gather as a group. Starting with egg number one, ask someone to show the object in the egg and tell what it represents. Then read the Bible passage and story that go with that particular egg. Finish the party with a group picture. You may want to invite your guests to attend church with you on Easter Sunday.
8. Sunrise service: Host an Easter sunrise service at your home. Begin just before the sun starts to rise—talk with the children about the darkness. As rays of sunlight appear, explain that light permeates darkness—that the light overcame the darkness when Jesus rose from the dead. Assign every family member a part in the service. Someone could give a brief Easter message, others could read Scriptures, sing, prepare a special handout for the family sunrise service, etc. Incorporate a brief Resurrection Eggs section, with the children opening up each egg. Sing the song that many know as, “Up From the Grave He Arose.”
9. Scavenger hunt: Organize an Easter scavenger hunt party in your neighborhood and ask some parents to stay for the fun. Depending on the number of people, divide everyone into several groups and allow a certain amount of time for the hunt. Be sure there is at least one adult in each group.
Leave a trail of plastic eggs that leads to homes of neighbors who are willing to participate in your party. Hide not only candy-filled eggs, but also a set of Resurrection Eggs. Give each group a set of cards containing clues leading to the eggs. For small children, use simple directions like: “Go to Mrs. Thompson’s mailbox (#4 Sunset Drive)” or “Ring Mrs. Smith’s doorbell and ask her to give you the next egg,” etc. If the kids are older, your clues could be more complicated.
When everyone returns to your house, enjoy Easter cake and punch. Then ask those who found Resurrection Eggs to open them, reveal the contents, and read the accompanying story in the Resurrection Eggs booklet.
10. Driving to school: Use Resurrection Eggs as you drive your kids (or a carpool of kids) to school. Begin several days before Easter; ask a younger child to open the egg and describe its contents. Then ask an older child to read the story that goes with it. Continue this for a week or two before Easter, until you have opened all of the eggs. If any of the children’s families do not attend a church, ask them to join you at your church’s Easter service.
11. Driving to visit relatives: Make a game by asking the children to open one of the Resurrection Eggs whenever they see a certain restaurant, enter a new state, after each meal, etc. At some point after you have reached your destination, go through the set of eggs with your out-of-town hosts.
12. Dessert fun: Bake circular sugar cookies and number them 1 – 12 (you might want to ice them in various spring colors). After dinner give everyone a numbered cookie. Then ask them to open the Resurrection Egg that matches their particular number and to read the accompanying story. For example, if you are a family of four, the first night each person would select one of the cookies (from 1- 4), open the matching Resurrection Egg, and read the accompanying story. The next two nights, the same thing would be done, first for cookies 5-8, and then 9-12. Ask older children to read the stories for younger kids. As you open the Resurrection Eggs, put them in a basket that you’ve placed in the middle of your table.
This year, ask God to help you tell the most important story ever to the children in your life: Jesus Christ overcame death. He arose! And that’s good news.
Watch Easter come to life in little hands! Order a set of Resurrection Eggs today to make them a part of your Easter tradition this year.
I was talking one evening to Charlie, a dentist friend of mine, who told me about a quest he was on. “I have decided,” he announced to me, “to reclaim Sunday morning.”
He continued. “Here’s what I do. I get up at 7:00. I try to allow my hardworking and devoted wife one morning of extra sleep. She needs it. While everyone else sleeps, I dress and shave and read a chapter from Proverbs and a few psalms.
“I resist the temptation to get the newspaper out of the driveway or to turn on the TV. The next thing I do is to wake up the children. I go sit on the side of their beds, and I rub their backs and cuddle with them and tell them I love them. I remind them that breakfast will be on the table at 9:00 sharp, and they need to be dressed and have their beds made if they want anything to eat.
“While they are busy, I go to work on breakfast. Scrambled eggs and toast, or pancakes, or whatever. Usually, the activity around the house wakes my sleeping wife, who begins to get herself ready for church. Along with the kids, she arrives at the table at 9:00 for breakfast. But I don’t stop there. While everyone eats, I will find something to read—a passage from the Bible, and maybe a story from The Book of Virtues.
“This has beaten the socks off our former pattern of running around scolding each other, saying ‘We’re going to be late if you don’t hurry,’ and ‘You are always late. You need to think of others. Someday, I may just go off and leave you.’ We used to fuss at each other until we were at the point of tears. No more.
Setting her on the high place she deserves
“You know what?” my friend asked. “This one simple act has had a big impact on our family. While I’m getting breakfast, my wife gets a little extra sleep, and some time alone in the bathroom to do whatever magic she has to do on Sunday morning. She has not had to get a house full of kids dressed and fed while her husband reads the sports. She has been made to feel special. The very first act of the week, every week, honors her, and sets her on the high place that she deserves.”
Charlie’s quest to reclaim Sunday morning for his family is just one way in which he nourishes and cherishes his wife.
Nourishing your wife
When Paul challenges men to “nourish” their wives, he uses a unique word. In fact, the word for nourish, ektrepho, is only found one other place in the Bible. A few verses later, Paul tells men not to exasperate their children but to “bring them up” (ektrepho) in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (see Ephesians 6:4).
So, is a husband to “bring up” his wife? Does that mean he should treat her as one of the children? The answer, in a special sense, is yes. But he is not to think of his wife as a child. Nor is he to relate to her as a child. She is his partner. She does not need to be brought to maturity the way a child does. But the Bible is teaching here that a husband is responsible for his wife’s ongoing spiritual, mental, and emotional growth. She is in his care, and he is to shepherd her.
Now, we think of nourishment in physical terms. We provide nourishment for someone when we give him healthy food to eat. The word ektrepho carries that same meaning. But Paul expands on the idea. A man should not only nourish his wife by being a provider who makes sure there is healthy food for her to eat, but he should also nourish her soul. For his children, he nourishes them in the discipline and admonition of the Lord. He knows that man does not live by bread alone.
The old Puritan preachers knew this well. They would remind men that failure to provide for the physical needs of their families made them worse than the pagans (see 1 Timothy 5:8). But what good does it do, they would ask, if we care for their bodies but neglect their souls? Should we work diligently to satisfy their material and physical needs in this life, and to take no regard for their souls, which will live forever?
Paul reminds husbands that we are quick to satisfy our own need for nourishment. We rarely neglect our own bodies. Our care for our wife’s needs should be just as acute. We are to labor to provide nourishment for her body, and we are to strive to provide nourishment for her soul.
Charlie’s Sunday morning breakfast quite literally provides his family with nourishment, while it sets the tone for their corporate worship of God later that same morning. While he is meeting his wife’s physical need for nourishment, he is also nourishing her emotionally and spiritually by sacrificing for her. Each week, as he takes this one day and frees her from her normal routine, he is honoring her.
Cherishing your wife
But a wife is not only to be nourished; she is also to be cherished. Once again Paul uses a unique word, thalpo. It shows up only one other time in the New Testament, in Paul’s first letter to the Thessalonians. There, he reminds his readers that he and his fellow missionaries had “proved to be gentle among you, as a nursing mother tenderly cares (thalpo) for her own children” (1 Thessalonians 2:7).
A husband, then, is to tenderly care for his wife in the same way that a mother gently and tenderly cares for a new baby. As a father of five, I’ve had a lot of opportunity to observe the special bond that grows between a mother and her child. After each child was born, I would watch as Mary Ann spent hours caring for our new son or daughter. She could sit for what seemed like forever to me, stroking his hair with her hand, talking to him, reacting to every coo or every facial gesture the baby would make.
Even in the middle of the night, when the child had awakened her from a few precious hours of rest, she would gently care for, nurse, and talk to her baby. Her regular routines were interrupted, but it didn’t matter. Nothing would get in the way of caring for the new little life in our home.
That’s what it looks like to cherish someone. The word literally means “to soften or warm with body heat.” It means we make another person our priority relationship. We cherish our wives by providing them with a warm, safe, secure environment, where they will never doubt our love, our care, and our commitment.
Your most cherished possession
Think of it this way. If I were to ask you to name your most cherished possession—the one you’d run into the house to save in a fire—you would begin to mentally sort through the things you own. You would quickly eliminate the things that are easily replaceable. If you can buy the same item at Walmart for under $10, it’s not likely to appear on your cherished possession list.
You would slowly begin to narrow the list down to a few items. All of them would either be very expensive or even irreplaceable. There would also very likely be some kind of emotional attachment to the items on your list—something that tied them to a special time or a special person in your life. If you were finally able to narrow the list down to a single item, it would very likely be something you alone would find valuable. Your cherished possessions would be a unique part of your life.
That list of valued possessions gives us a taste of what it means to cherish our wife. She is highly valued. She is our priority. And she is cared for. We ought to regularly reflect back to her how cherished she is.
It’s in the small stuff
Many husbands express their love for their wives with a big event. A cruise. A trip to Europe. Expensive jewelry or gifts. We know how to go all out with the spectacular displays of love. The real question for us? Can we sacrifice to do the little things that show our wives that we cherish them day after day?
The big events all play a part in expressing our affection for our wives. But unless we are doing the little things that say “I cherish you” every day, the big events ring hollow. A wife will come to resent the diamond bracelets or the dresses, if that’s all there is. She will see them as an attempt to buy her affection. Cherishing a wife, and letting her know she is cherished, requires constant expressions of love and devotion.
Recently we interviewed Pastor Tommy Nelson from Denton Church in Denton, Texas, for our radio program FamilyLife Today®. Tommy has gained notoriety in the Dallas area for a series of messages he gave to a singles Bible study, taken from the Song of Solomon. During the interview, Tommy described romance as a marriage discipline. A husband may have some natural abilities or instincts in that direction, he said. During courtship, these natural instincts flow freely. But in marriage, we have to refine our instincts and abilities through regular romance workouts. We can’t rely on our spontaneous romantic urges to communicate our devotion for our wives.
He’s right. I need to let my wife know that I cherish her, and I need to find ways to do it regularly and creatively. They don’t need to be expensive or extravagant. They simply need to be genuine and regular.
A great example
One night several years ago, after Mary Ann had gone to bed, I took a notepad and a pen and sat down at the kitchen table to write her a series of short, one-line love notes. Each one said something very simple: “I’m glad you’re my wife,” or “I love you very much,” or “I still find you wildly attractive.” Once the notes were written, I went to work. I placed them strategically all over the house. One was in a spot where she would see it the next day. Another was tucked away in her Bible. A third was put in a recipe file in the kitchen. And so on.
For the next few weeks and months, the notes continued to pop up in unexpected places—glove compartments, mailboxes, hidden in the fine china. That one night of note writing sent its message for weeks to come. In fact, the one in the recipe file is still where I put it, more than a decade ago—not because Mary Ann hasn’t found it, but because she has left it right where I put it!
A husband nourishes his wife by caring for her physical, spiritual, and emotional needs. He shows her that he cherishes her when he makes her a priority and regularly expresses his affection, his devotion, and his commitment to her.
Caring for our own flesh
The Bible reminds us as husbands that we ought to care for our wives as we care for our own flesh. The reason? She is! We have entered into a “one-flesh” relationship with her. Charles Hodge put it this way: “It is just as unnatural for a man to hate his wife, as it would be for him to hate himself or his own body.”
A commitment to love our wives involves not only proactive, self-sacrificing love, but also the responsibility of being an agent of sanctification in our wives’ lives. The goal of our love is to see our wives become more like Christ. I must be ready to die to self as I cleanse her, nourish her, and cherish her. This is no job for some mushy, romantic, hormone-crazed, self-absorbed man. Only real men need apply. Are you up to the challenge?
Recently I received a letter from Mandi telling me how she responded when she learned that her young daughter, Bristin, had been abused. As I read, it struck me that Mandi did the most important things she needed to do as a parent to protect and support her child.
“When Bristin was 6 years old,” Mandi said, “a man who lived next door to her best friend was convicted of sexually molesting a minor and put in jail. After this happened, I talked with Bristin about inappropriate touching. At the time, she didn’t say much. However, the next week, out of the blue, she came to me and said, ‘Mommy, Jeremy touches me like that.'”
“I couldn’t believe my ears; Jeremy was her 20-year-old cousin, whom she loved deeply. He may have been goofy, playful, and immature, but surely he wasn’t a sexual predator! I didn’t want her to overreact to kind and playful gestures from loving family members. So as I talked with Bristin, I told her that not every touch is a bad touch. I dismissed it as a misunderstanding.
“However, a few days later Bristin approached me again and said the same thing. Only this time she asked me to lie on the couch on my stomach so she could show me what happened. She then proceeded to climb onto my back and rub roughly back and forth. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that she was telling me the truth.”
Mandi let her daughter know at an early age that it was not okay for anyone to touch her in an inappropriate way and that she could talk to her about it if anyone ever did. She made sure that Bristin could talk to her about anything that made her feel uncomfortable, and when she did talk about it, Mandi believed her. In this way, Mandi established an open relationship with her daughter that validated her worth and gave her an incredible sense of security, a basic need of all children.
Children need to know they have a voice. Assure them of their right to say no to uncomfortable situations. Forcing a child to sit on Grandpa’s lap denies her the right to say no to something that might feel unsafe. Allowing her to make decisions in circumstances like this gives her a feeling of ownership of her body and can help protect her in a potentially harmful situation. Talk with her later about her decision to not sit in Grandpa’s lap. Maybe she simply didn’t feel like reading a story with Grandpa, and that’s okay, but maybe there is something deeper. If there is, you’ve given her a voice that can alert you that something may be wrong and thus possibly prevent abuse from occurring.
Watch for clues
You also need to pay attention to signs that something is amiss: stomachaches, headaches, urinary tract infections, knowledge of sexual things at an age that doesn’t make sense, outbursts of anger, nightmares, fear of certain people, anxiety, and bed-wetting, to name a few.
“In hindsight,” Mandi said, “I realized that I had missed important signs that Bristin was being abused. She had suffered from stomachaches for no apparent reason. She had also had some anxiety attacks that were out of character for her. She would have fits of rage at the rest of the family. All of these things occurred over a period of time before we knew what was going on. In counseling, we learned that these are classic signs of a loss of control, which she was experiencing because of the abuse.”
Kids often hint that something is wrong and making them feel uncomfortable. If you notice anything out of character for your child, ask questions, even if it’s difficult for you. Kids don’t make up this stuff, and if they feel safe with you, they will talk. If they do tell you that something has happened, try to stay calm for their sake. “I was very calm around Bristin,” Mandi said, “even though I was shaking on the inside. I told her that I was so proud of her for telling me and that she had done nothing wrong.”
Be loving, accepting, kindhearted, reassuring, and protective. Tell your child that what happened to him was wrong and that he didn’t deserve it. Let him know over and over that is wasn’t his fault. Thank him for telling you about it and tell him that it took a great deal of courage for him to do that. Let him know you will do all you can to protect him and help him heal as he is ready.
“We reported the abuse to the authorities and immediately got Bristin into counseling,” Mandi said. “Both a detective and a children’s service worker met with Bristin, my husband, and me. Bristin’s story never changed, and her counseling sessions went very well.” Mandi says that Bristin rarely mentions her abuse now. But when she does, Mandi stops and listens to her daughter and tries to help her work it out a little bit more. She follows her daughter’s lead.
Helping a child heal
Healing is a lifelong journey, and there will be hills and valleys along the way. It’s difficult sometimes, but it will get better. Let your child know that he can talk about it whenever and to whomever he wishes. He needs to know that what happened to him is not something to be ashamed of, because he has done nothing wrong. He needs to know that you don’t look at him any differently and that your greatest concern is his safety and well-being.
Erin says that if she had to choose one person who has helped her the most, it would be her mom. “I will always remember the look on her face the day I told her that I had been abused. But she never pushed for the story. She just made sure I knew that I could talk to her when I wanted to. That was six years ago, and after becoming an alcoholic trying to deal with the abuse on my own, I finally found myself talking to my mom again. It’s great to know I can always talk to her and that if I ask her not to say anything, she won’t. If I don’t want to talk, I can just sit and cry, and she doesn’t think any less of me. It’s hard to find that anywhere else.”
Make time to relate one-on-one to your child. I realize that as a parent, your schedule is probably crazy and that you may not always have time to spend just hanging out with her. But I also know that she needs you to give her your time and your undivided attention. A day or an hour, whatever she needs. A survivor of sexual abuse definitely needs this. Her love tank has been sucked dry, and a parent should be the first to come running to fill it. Nothing is more precious to her than your time. It breathes the words “I am important” into her gasping lungs.
Talking is important
Survivors need your time and they need to talk. I can still remember some conversations I had with my mom while I was in high school. They occurred at a time when I needed to process how I felt about something that had happened to me. Mom was struggling to heal from this trauma too, but she was never so self-consumed that she wasn’t available to me.
Kids also need to know that it’s okay if there are some things they don’t want to share with their parents. Sometimes I didn’t want to burden my mom with too much information when she was already dealing with a lot. Other times, I just didn’t want her to be the only person I talked to. Mom never made me feel bad for wanting to talk to someone besides her. She would make sure everything was okay between us, but once she knew that is was, she gave me the freedom to go to others in my circle. That was incredibly freeing.
My father sent me the same message. One day when he was driving me to his house for the weekend he said, “Nicole, I want you to know that I’m here; if you don’t ever want to talk with me about it, that’s okay too.” My father’s words meant so much to me then, and they still do.
Many sexual molestation cases occur in family situations, even in Christian households like Mandi’s. This is a sin that reaches everywhere and destroys all the relationships in its path. Jeremy’s abuse of Bristin has taken a serious toll on the relationships in their extended family.
“The family get-togethers are strained and very different now,” Mandi says. “We haven’t seen Jeremy since we found out, and that’s sad because we still love him, but a tie has been severed. Through the power of the Holy Spirit, we can forgive, but sin has consequences, and we feel that for Bristin’s sake there has to be separation. Until she is old enough to handle the stress, she needs to feel safe, which means not putting her in that situation. We take one day at a time and trust that God will work it out in His time. Meanwhile, our job is to be the best parents we can be for our daughter.”
I’m convinced that with the help of God and a circle of inspiration, Mandi, Bristin, and her family will reach the light at the end of the tunnel on their healing journey.
My son, Isaac, is 2 years old and loves to imitate me. Kids are just wired that way—it’s how they learn about life.
Sometimes this works out great, such as when you are teaching them to pray; other times you hear them repeating bits and pieces of your audible road rage.
Isaac picks up on my workout habits. I typically run a few times a week. Each time I return he meets me at the door and asks if I got sweaty. For some reason he thinks this is really cool—or maybe he is double checking to make sure I actually got a good workout. Either way, he will usually go grab his “running shoes” and start wearing a path around the house trying to get sweaty.
As I thought about some of my habits and how they are mirrored in my son’s life, I realized that he also watches my technology habits. He notices exactly how much time I spend on my phone. There are two reasons this is not good.
First, I am not fully present when I’m glancing at the phone. I’m not as good at doing two things at once as I’d like to think. This usually means I end up paying more attention to my phone than my son.
Second, the moment the phone leaves my hand, he is there to pounce on it like a dog on a steak bone. Ten years down the road I don’t want his head looking down at a phone instead of being present in the world around him. Fighting these battles starts with me, right now.
The word “imitators” appears six times in the New Testament, most often used by Paul. In 1 Corinthians 4:16, Paul urges the Corinthians to be imitators of him as he is of Christ. He conveys the significance of being a good example for others and just how important that responsibility is; even going as far as to call himself their father in Christ.
I decided to make some changes by implementing three basic rules regarding my phone use. These changes have created more focused time with my family. I have also seen a healthy change in the attitude of my son toward technology.
No phones at the table. Early on in our marriage, my wife and I bought our first smartphones. We initiated a rule about not having phones at the table with us during meals, which we broke often. So we began to put our phones in another room during meals so we could concentrate on each other. Your kids will notice a big difference, too. Use that time for family conversation or for memorizing a verse together.
Leave work at work. It is nearly impossible to find a job that does not require the use of a smartphone. Some people even carry two or three. Sometimes there’s no way around it. But because my phone provides such accessibility, I am more likely to bring work home. This is not healthy for our family, so I came up with a strategy: Work needs to be completed before I turn off the car and walk into the house. Necessary phone calls are made during the ride home. After parking in the driveway, I check and respond to any immediate text messages or emails. But after the key turns and the door closes, I am done. I will not look at work again until the next morning unless the time has been prescheduled after the kids go to bed.
Put your phone in time out. A friend told me that when he gets home from work he will put his phone in its charging station—which happens to be at the top of a tall book shelf—until after the kids go to bed. What a great idea! I realized how much time is needlessly spent glancing at the phone. There are times when we need to specifically use it, but checking your latest social media update or the last weather update must be cut out. Putting the phone in a charging location has allowed for better focus with my family and better play time with my son.
Putting these three rules into place has been huge. I have felt more present with my family. If there is an urgent matter from the office, it can wait until later in the evening. If a phone call is missed, oh well, I’ll call back later. When your kids are spending too much time on a phone and it bothers you, the first place to check is with yourself. As parents, we must be worthy of imitation.
I’m new at this game, but I’ve heard repeatedly by those who have gone before me that time with the kids goes much too quickly. I want my son to understand that he is more important than my phone. Learning from Paul’s example, parents have the responsibility to lead their kids spiritually. This can be done better when we put down the smartphone.
Even the air felt heavy as Tom and Maureen Santacroce waited for the judge that Monday morning. Tom sat by his attorney and Maureen by hers. They were about to dissolve 34 years of marriage.
The only problem was that neither really wanted a divorce.
Tom had initiated the proceedings, but in his heart he knew he didn’t want to end their marriage. It was his attorney’s idea. “The only way that you can protect your assets is to file for divorce,” he had said.
A scene from the previous night kept replaying in Maureen’s mind. In a last-ditch effort to save their marriage before appearing in divorce court, she and Tom had attended a Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway. “We were really happy,” Maureen says. “Everything had worked out. As we left the conference we really thought everything was wonderful.”
But that was before the argument—before Maureen allowed rash words to spill from her mouth.
“I was just really nasty,” Maureen says. “I was talking about the past … with viciousness and words that were hurtful and painful. And I brought up things that were supposedly already settled.”
Tom’s countenance changed with each verbal dart. He demanded that Maureen answer a question about the past. She refused. He stormed out of the apartment and slammed the door behind him.
Maureen walked to the door and turned the dead-bolt lock. She peeked out the front window and saw the reflection of headlights on the pavement below. She refused to allow herself to cry. “The only thing crying gave me was a headache,” she says, “So why add that to a heartache.”
Tom returned to his home thinking about the argument and his marriage. Maureen’s phone rang about midnight. It was Tom. “I’m going through with the divorce,” he said.
“Fine,” Maureen answered.
Tom stayed up most of the night praying. He was confused and hurt and asked God to help him make the right decision about his marriage.
Judgment
So there they sat—two people who still loved one another despite their disagreements. Two people who had vowed 34 years earlier to love one another until death parted them.
The judge walked out of his chambers and sat on his bench. He turned to Tom. “Okay, what do you want to do?”
With a sense of peace and God’s leading, Tom replied, “I don’t want a divorce.”
The judge then turned to Maureen, “What are you going to do?”
“I didn’t file for divorce,” she said.
“Would the two of you get out of my courtroom? And don’t let me ever see you two back here again.”
Working on their hearts
Although still legally married, Tom and Maureen were light years apart. How could their marriage be saved?
As Maureen returned to her apartment, she recalled the hope she had felt just the day before, when she and Tom were at the Weekend to Remember. “[Until then] we always thought everybody had perfect marriages,” Maureen says, “and if someone didn’t have a perfect marriage you bail out.”
Maureen was surprised as the speakers opened up their lives to the attendees—that they transparently shared their personal problems. She and Tom recognized that they had struggled for years with their desire to control their lives and circumstances, and they discovered that only God is in control.
“And that lifted the biggest burden off of Tom’s shoulders that he had ever had,” Maureen says. “He lost years of happiness because of control, because of worry about things that never happened.”
During the weekend, Doug Mary, a representative from FamilyLife, met the Santacroces. When he first saw Tom and Maureen, they looked like two empty shells. “They had a gaunt look on their faces. Totally borderline,” Doug says. “I’ve never seen anything like that. It really caught my eye.”
When Doug asked Tom and Maureen, “Can I pray for you guys?” they agreed. What God did over the course of that weekend to answer those prayers was incredible. Initially Tom and Maureen sat opposite of one another when they worked on their projects. But by Sunday afternoon they were sitting side by side, laughing while they worked together. “They had come so far in three days,” Doug says. “It was amazing to see what took place. You could tell they had worked on stuff and were enjoying one another’s company.”
Hope into utter hopelessness
Knowing their story, Doug advised the Santacroces, “You are going to need someone [after the getaway] to help you piece this thing back together.” Several days later, still living apart after leaving the divorce court, they received an email from Doug, who recommended a Christian counselor who lived in their area: pastor Jim Solomon.
Jim says he’ll never forget the first time he met the Santacroces. They came into his office one at a time—Tom entered first. Jim’s chair was in front of his desk and directly across from two chairs. Tom, who was casually dressed, sat in one of those chairs. “His eyes had an expression of sadness—almost … defeated,” Jim says, “and yet his body language seemed to be saying I’m here. I’ve been beaten up so much I don’t know if I can take it anymore.”
When Maureen entered Jim’s office, she appeared professional—a no-nonsense woman. “She did not establish eye contact very well,” Jim says, “which told me she was half there and half absent when it came to her desire to connect.” She picked up her chair and moved it to the other side of the room.
Tom and Maureen appeared to be two people who were very separate from each other. “Their body language screamed that they did not even want to touch each other,” Jim says, “that they did not want to deal with each other, and certainly did not like each other.”
Jim knew that the Lord could bring hope into what the world would call utter hopelessness. “I had seen Him work miracles, especially in marriages and even in whole families. I knew the truth of Matthew 19:26, that with God all things are possible. I just felt like these were two people the Lord was sending me.”
Jim knew something else—that he and his own wife have something rare in today’s world. “Our marriage is not perfect,” he says, “but it is centered on the One who is. And that’s what gave me the confidence to really be able to face Tom and Maureen with a countenance of hope, and strength, and joy. … I knew that only the Lord can help two people who otherwise are helpless. I knew that His principles, and His Word, and the help of His Spirit could make two people who otherwise could be like two ships passing in the night become one in spirit and with each other.”
A turning point
During one of Tom and Maureen’s first counseling sessions with Jim, Maureen finally grasped that Tom wasn’t the only problem, that she was part of the problem, too. “She had a difficult time with this,” Jim says, “because she had been meeting with a counselor who had been telling her just the opposite for years—that if he [Tom] didn’t shape up, she should be out of there. And that she needs to just do what makes her happy.”
Jim had a different perspective of marriage—that God intends marriage more for holiness than happiness. When Maureen heard she would have to learn from the Lord how to love Tom when he wasn’t yet lovable, she said, “I can’t take this.” She walked out of Jim’s office, slammed the door, and left the building.
“Do you think she’ll come back?” Jim asked Tom.
“Knowing my wife, and we’ve been married for a long time, she won’t come back into this counseling.”
Jim suggested they pray, and Tom agreed. Jim began praying: “Lord, You can do anything, please bring Maureen back. Stop her in her tracks. Help her realize that when she ran out of this office, she was running from You. Help her see that You want her to run to You because You love her and You have something good in store for her and this is not the time to quit. That if she turns back to You, You will deliver her and bring new hope to her and even bless her.”
While they prayed, Maureen sat in her car. She recalls saying, “Dear God, what in the hell am I doing here?” She continued her prayer, “God, I am in hell. I need my husband. I need hope. I need prayer.”
She got out of the car and walked back into the church.
Tom and Jim sat in silence. “It seemed like forever,” Jim says. “But it was probably only 10 minutes.”
There was a knock on the door.
“Come in,” Jim said, hoping it was Maureen.
Maureen entered, walked over to Tom, kissed him on the forehead and asked for his forgiveness. “Please forgive me for walking out,” she said. “I’m sorry.”
Something happened in the Santacaroces’ marriage that day—they were honest with one another, and they placed their marriage in Jesus’ hands. “It was almost as if whatever was keeping Maureen from turning to Christ and His will for her marriage was dismissed,” Jim recalls.
Tom and Maureen continued to see Jim for counseling for three or four months.
“The type of counseling that I believe in,” Jim says, “is the type of counseling that helps people become less dependent on me and more dependent on Christ. My role is to really help them grow in Him and in each other—to not depend on me, but to depend on Him.”
“He taught us a lot about God,” Tom says of Jim, “and about love and about Who is first in life.”
“He referred to the Bible,” Maureen says. “The moment we laid eyes on him you could see God in his eyes. … My husband has every word that Jim ever counseled us on his heart.”
A source of hope
When asked to describe her marriage today, Maureen says just one word: “Superb.”
“Now we have been married 40 years,” Tom says, “and the last six years have been the best years of our life.”
Wanting their marriage to remain strong, Tom and Maureen tune up their relationship every year through a Weekend to Remember. They are also passionate about telling others about the marriage getaway. Many couples identify with the Santacroces when they share the trials and triumphs they’ve had in their marriage. “Even now there’s a couple who were going to get divorced,” Jim says, “And because of Tom and Maureen they are going to the Weekend to Remember. I really see God using them. They are a source of hope in the midst of hopelessness and light in the darkness.”
Jim Solomon is now the Santacroces’ pastor. He has seen the dramatic change in their marriage over the past six years. So much so that he hardly knows what happened to the couple that first walked into his office. “They’ve died. They are gone.”
“Tom and Maureen Santacroce today are so one,” Jim says. He sees how they hold hands and show affection to one another. “Even more than that,” Jim says, “They are one with each other in spirit before the Lord. And you look at them and you can’t help but think, Wow! That’s one couple that really has it together.”
Editor’s Note: Tom and Maureen Santacroce have both passed away. Their story continues to show others the beauty of a marriage centered in Christ.
What do most couples argue over? Money. In fact, a 2014 survey by Money Magazine found that 70 percent of married couples had more friction over money than household chores, togetherness, sex, snoring, and what’s for dinner.
Money can rip a relationship apart. That’s why it’s important for you to learn now about each other’s financial values and attitudes. And it’s best to do that before you are married.
To get you started, answer the two lists of questions below. Financial guru Howard Dayton posed the first list in his book Money and Marriage God’s Way. I had the privilege of contributing to this book and suggested the second list of questions in the chapter on blended families:
Questions regarding your values (Howard Dayton):
Who is going to be the breadwinner (one or both)?
If both are breadwinners, how will we care for the children (day care, school, after school, etc.)?
Are you a hard worker? What career do you want to pursue? What further education will you need?
What percentage of our income do you want to give? Who do you prefer to give to—church, ministries, the poor and needy, etc.?
How much of our income do you want to save?
What is your attitude toward debt? When should we use it? Is paying off debt a very high priority for you?
Who will handle the bookkeeping and paying the bills? How often should we meet to review our finances?
How do you see us becoming one with our finances? How should we combine our finances? Is there any sense of “my money” and “your money”? If so, how can we overcome this challenge?
How will we make financial decisions?
Who will manage the investments and what is your investment philosophy?
What are your expectations concerning our lifestyle—what do you want for a home, furniture, cars, clothes, vacations and gifts?
What do you think we should spend on our wedding?
What were your parent’s attitudes toward money? How have their attitudes influenced you? What was your previous spouse’s attitude toward money, spending, and saving?
Do you think my parents or your parents will want to control us by using money? Is there a danger of overdependence on them? If so, how should we deal with this?
What has your family done for birthdays, Christmas and gift giving? What should we do?
To what extent should we help if we have needy family members?
When should our children begin to work and what is your philosophy of giving them allowances?
Do we both know Jesus Christ as our Savior? If not, what should we do?
Do we both have a solid understanding of what God says about handling money?
By the way, if your answer to that last question is “No,” pick up a copy of Money and Marriage God’s Way.
Specific questions for pre-stepfamily couples (Ron Deal):
What are your financial obligations to your ex-spouse (child support, alimony, other)?
How likely are child support payments to increase or decrease in the future? When will they end? Are you responsible for any additional expenses, such as education, for them?
When one of us dies, who will receive the assets brought into our marriage? What happens to them when the surviving spouse dies or remarries? What are the financial plans for your children should you die or be unable to work?
What expectations do you have for me to support your family?
Who is responsible for the children’s health insurance? If an ex-spouse is unwilling to do their part, how will we handle it?
Do you have a retirement plan? If so, how much is in it? Is any part of it obligated to a former spouse?
Do you have any financial commitments to your parents, siblings, or other family members?
Was your previous spouse a poor money manager? How will we unify our finances?
How should we use what we receive in child support and alimony? What do we do when we don’t receive scheduled child support?
Will we both work outside of the home? How will we handle childcare?
How will we handle the holidays? How do you feel about gift giving?
Are we comfortable with one checking account or will we have “yours,” “mine,” and “ours”?
What do we want to teach our children about money? Are “yours” and “my” children used to different spending styles? Will we give allowances and in what amount? How will we resolve differences in spending/saving/allowance practices?
After the wedding, how do you feel about changing the deeds/titles/beneficiaries to insurance, car titles, house deeds, and wills?
Since divorce does not eliminate mutually shared debts, how will you remove yourself from these joint debts? (This may be as simple as closing a credit card account or as complex as refinancing a mortgage.)
Questions taken from Money & Marriage God’s Way by Howard Dayton, Moody Publishers, Chicago, 2009. Used with permission.
Editor’s note: This article was adapted from the story of a woman who attended one of FamilyLife’s I Still Do™ events between 1999-2002. As we prepare to hold three new I Still Do events this summer and fall, we thought you’d be encouraged by this testimony about the importance of the marriage covenant.
Soon after my wedding day, I began to wonder if my husband and I should be married. Our relationship just didn’t seem right. We were always arguing over something, and I thought that we weren’t meant for each other.
We had both come from families who are committed to marriage. Our parents had never divorced. But it didn’t take long before I started to wonder if we had both made a terrible mistake. Then I began to tell myself over and over, We will probably get a divorce some day.
The first months of our marriage we just hung on by a thread. Then things got worse when my mother was diagnosed with cancer. When she died before our second anniversary, I became very depressed. It was a dark time. My husband and I couldn’t stand one another.
By God’s grace and mercy, we somehow got through the first years of marriage, and our relationship even got to be harmonious and respectful. As time went on, we talked about the beginning of our marriage, and we healed past wounds.
But when we had disagreements, I was still taunted with the thought, We will probably get divorced some day. This just isn’t right.
Then one day I actually brought up the “D-word”: divorce. As soon as I said it, I realized that the old thoughts still had a foothold on me.
A change in attitude
About the same time God began to teach me that I hadn’t married the wrong person. I realized that I needed to become the wife God wanted me to be. For as long as I believed I was married to the wrong person, things just weren’t quite right with me.
By the time we went to I Still Do, a one-day marriage event sponsored by FamilyLife, our relationship was better than ever. We didn’t attend the event because we had problems; we went because we wanted to do something meaningful together.
But what I Still Do did for me was bring home the idea of covenant … that my marriage is for life. During the event God pointed out to me that I had never repented of the thought in my head that we might get divorced some day. I confessed my sin and made a conscious choice: My husband is my husband for life. I am committed to him as long as I live.
I now realize that God has a special purpose for our marriage that is in His design and not just second-best, regardless of how it may seem. My husband is God’s perfect gift for me. What a release into freedom!
Not too long after Tazwell and Bonita Thornton married back in 1993, they each began to wonder how their life together would thrive. Although it was the first marriage for both of them, Tazwell had gone through several failed relationships and Bonita was the single mother of a 9-year-old son.
A few weeks after their wedding, their marriage was tested when Tazwell lost his job. And living as a blended family brought its own unique challenges. The Thorntons knew they needed God’s help, but didn’t know where to find it.
Then something happened a few months after their wedding day—something that transformed Tazwell and Bonita into a dynamic duo, passionate about helping others. And in the past 22 years God has worked through them to transform thousands of marriages and families along the East Coast.
Something to do together
It all began when Bonita and Tazwell reconnected more than two decades after they attended high school together. At that time, Bonita was a single mom raising a son. “I know what it’s like to walk out of the will of God,” she says. “Your heart breaks. But more importantly, [because] I turned to God, I know what it is to receive His love, forgiveness, and grace. You fall more in love with God. You want to live for Him.”
After her son was born she began telling everyone she could about Jesus, through church ministry outreaches and to the homeless in her community. When she thought of a future husband she asked God, “Father, please be stretching the arms and legs of my mate, because I want a guy that loves You. One, I can honor and serve You with and grow with.”
At that time Tazwell was serving as a deacon in his church and Bonita was drawn to his faith. But when she invited him to join her evangelistic street outreach, he said, “I’m really not into that.” So she trusted God to lead them to something they could do together, something that would change lives for eternity.
Learning that marriage is a commitment
The Thorntons still remember the speakers at their first Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway, Crawford and Karen Loritts. They talked about some of the difficult adjustments in marriage like selfishness, vocational changes, and even health issues. Through their words, Tazwell and Bonita realized that the challenges they faced were not unique.
They also learned some practical communication skills during the getaway, like how to ask clarifying questions and fight fair. And one of their favorite sessions dealt with sexual intimacy. The Loritts explained that a satisfying sex life is the result of a satisfying relationship. And because the Weekend to Remember messages are filled with Scriptures about God’s plan for marriage, the Thorntons understood why marriage is a lifetime commitment.
But the real change that weekend occurred when Tazwell and Bonita attended a special meeting where couples were introduced to FamilyLife’s small group Bible studies for couples [now called The Art of Marriage® Connect series]. Tazwell looked at Bonita and said, and “We can do this!”
To Tazwell, “this answered a call for us to do something together that we could make a difference.” And to Bonita, this was an answered prayer—an opportunity to work together to help others understand how to build their marriages according to God’s blueprints.
Multiplying marriages
The Thorntons started their marriage ministry by leading a FamilyLife small group study in another couple’s home. Recalls Tazwell, “We talked to some couples that had gotten married, and some who were in the process of getting married, and we told them we were going to be doing this ‘romantic Bible study.'” If someone asked “How romantic is it going to be?” they replied, “Well, we guarantee it’s going to increase your sexual life!”
The study was so successful that they led another … and then another. And a surprising thing happened as Tazwell and Bonita mentored couples. They worked on their own communication skills, learned how to resolve their personal conflicts, and kept romance a priority in their marriage. They also learned the importance of praying together.
But the Thorntons weren’t satisfied with improving their own marriage and leading just one group at a time. So they began to teach others how to lead.
Bonita remembers one couple who was active in church but faced challenges behind closed doors in their marriage. After the couple completed one of the Thorntons’ small group studies, Tazwell and Bonita asked them if they would lead a group of their own. The husband replied, “Oh, you don’t know. We shouldn’t do that. We can’t be a leader.”
Bonita told them they didn’t need to be experts on marriage—they just had to follow the guide for leading discussion. “All you have to do is agree to be the facilitator.” She explained that they would just need to keep the group conversation moving through the study guide … “and what’s going to happen is your marriage is going to be blessed.”
The couple agreed to lead a group. Soon afterward they called the Thorntons and said that without their small group study they would have divorced. “And these were folks that were working steadily in the church, on the outside smiling, but inside walking through some real tough issues,” says Bonita. “HomeBuilders made a real difference to them … because they learned to work together and to communicate. As they guided other couples to apply godly principles, and as they listened to the stories of other people, they too were blessed.”
Looking for others to take over
Bob Richardson, who works for FamilyLife, has known the Thorntons since they attended that first Weekend to Remember getaway in 1993. He says that Tazwell and Bonita are always looking for ways they can multiply themselves. “They get something going and want someone else to take over,” he says. “They have set up marriage ministries in several churches in the Baltimore area.”
Bob says that with their leadership, about 800 couples have gone through Preparing for Marriage, a FamilyLife curriculum for engaged couples, at New Psalmist Baptist Church in Baltimore. “Bonita has a record of each of these couples,” he says, “and there are very few who have not made it.”
Bonita says that she has never seen a marriage tool as effective as this curriculum. “It’s economical and changes lives,” she says. She says countless people have called to say, “We still go back to our book Preparing for Marriage. We get into a fight and we go back and revisit the tools for how to resolve conflict.”
And when FamilyLife released a video series back in 2011 called The Art of Marriage®, the Thorntons immediately began to use it, too. Through six fast-paced sessions, the series weaves together the teaching of respected pastors and marriage experts with real-life testimonies, man-on-the street interviews, and humorous vignettes.
Tazwell and Bonita host special Art of Marriage weekends at churches or hotels. And they continue challenging the couples who attend to lead Art of Marriage gatherings of their own. For example, a couple who came to one of their first Art of Marriage events went on to not only host an Art of Marriage event, but also to speak with the Thorntons at future gatherings.
Stepping out in faith
Dennis Rainey, president of FamilyLife, regards the Thorntons as heroes for families. “They were courageous enough to step out in faith and attempt a ministry on behalf of the hopeless, on behalf of people who don’t have a game plan or a blueprint for their marriage and their family.” He also notes that they use “the truth of Scripture unashamedly, and they love people enough to tell them the truth.”
A humble couple, the Thorntons take no credit for their ministry success. “Taz and I will tell you it’s all about Jesus Christ,” Bonita says. “It’s the power of the Holy Spirit orchestrating a ministry that has empowered individuals who become so grateful, so pierced, so moved that they want to give back.”
The Thorntons are grateful to all of the couples who have followed their lead. “These amazing couples have helped us reach thousands,” Bonita says, “and we pray we will continue to reach thousands more.”
Their success in ministry began with one simple step of faith more than two decades ago—when they trusted God to work through them to change marriages and legacies. “God is the author of the marriage covenant,” Bonita says. “As couples incorporate His biblical blueprint … strong marriages result!”
Editor’s Note: As her daughters began their married lives, Barbara Rainey wanted to share some of the lessons she learned throughout her own marriage as well as those gleaned from years of ministry to couples. In these heartfelt, insightful letters that eventually evolved into the book Letters to My Daughters: The Art of Being a Wife, she answers the tough questions and addresses the realities of marriage. Enjoy this excerpt from the book.
Dear Mom,
Honestly, we did great for the first few months—we were all about life together and thought our differences added a spark to our lives. Now we both seem to be withdrawing, staking ground for ourselves rather than growing together. How did you and Dad embrace your differences rather than let them pull you apart?
Dear daughters,
Here’s my story, and a little background to help set the stage. I think you’ll see I’ve been there, too.
One of my early dates with Dennis was on a warm Saturday afternoon in June. He picked me up in his light blue Chevy Impala and drove us out in the country for fishing and a picnic. Dennis grew up with a fishing pole as an extension of his arm.
Fishing was just the beginning of many adventures in a whole new world that opened before me when I accepted this young man’s proposal of marriage. The new experiences after I said “I do” kept me wide-eyed with wonder for many of those early years.
Like Alice who fell through the rabbit hole and woke up in a world that was familiar but oh-so-different, I found myself not just seeing trees, but sleeping under them; not just looking up at snow-covered mountains, but also flying down them with long skinny things strapped to my boots; not just admiring bubbling streams, but learning the names of the fish that swam within the waters and would hopefully end up on the line of my new husband’s fly rod. I even learned to help cook a fair number of dead fish over a fire at our many campsites.
Dennis wasn’t just different. His recipe for life was positively foreign. We were like oil and water, constantly separating in our jar. We cannot be more different. (Notice I switched to present tense!)
I remember Dennis would get an idea and be off and running. I, on the other hand, was used to thinking things through and evaluating what to do before acting. Often, during our first year of marriage, I felt left in the dust.
Dennis was expressive and was always asking questions, I tended to be quiet and cautious, thinking about what I wanted to say before I said it. I felt overexposed.
And then there was money. Dennis wanted to spend money on fishing. I wanted to spend money on furniture. We had a combined income, but how did we determine who spent what? I felt it unfair that he freely spent what he wanted when he wanted without consulting me. I felt confused.
Awkward adjustments
It sounds like you are facing something similar. Adjustments are awkward. And the early years of marriage are full of adjustments—always more than any couple ever anticipates! As our family friend Lincoln discovered when her new husband wanted to debate everything! He has a quick, active intellect and loved playing the devil’s advocate and challenging her thinking. She felt defensive and on trial. And then he couldn’t understand why she couldn’t act fine and snuggle up on the couch after they finished “talking!” He also could not understand why she, from a family of four girls, expected to go shopping at the beginning of each season for a few new additions to her wardrobe.
The unique, fresh traits that attracted us to our spouses while dating will become tiresome or irritating after years, or even just months, of marriage. When I encounter these clashes, I have learned I have choices. Do I communicate disdain for a trait I feel is flawed? Will I withdraw to avoid dealing with it? Should I try to change him? Do we talk about it? The challenge of mixing the ingredients of his personality and mine was just beginning in those early years.
When you went to culinary school, Rebecca, I was fascinated to learn from you the endless possibilities for creativity in cooking. You taught me that we eat with our eyes first (presentation is important), and that there are great subtleties of flavor in different salts, vinegars, and olive oils. You taught me that when baking, salt balances the sweet ingredients and cause their flavors to come alive. Even the freshness of cream, butter, and Parmesan cheese is enhanced with salt. I had no idea.
It reminds me of Jesus saying, “You are the salt of the earth.” Which raises these questions: “Does my husband’s life taste better with me in it?” “Is the salt of my life overpowering, or just enough to enhance the sweetness in our union?” “Will I allow his unique version of salt to bring out a better flavor in me?”
Differences. The first and most lasting surprise in marriage. It was easy in the beginning—accepting and enjoying the differences that attracted us to each other. But now, the everyday clash of those differences must be met with a decision to once again accept the other person as God’s gift to you. You were confident when you were engaged that he was perfect for you, right? So now it’s time to ask God to help you see him as you once did. He will mellow over time, but until then, choose to believe that his differences are for your good. And yours are good for him, too.
Remember:
Each marriage brings unique ingredients unlike any other couple’s combination. Every union is a one-of-a kind creation.
Differences are good and normal. Welcome them.
Feeling surprised by them is normal, too; relax in the process.
Aaron and Jennie wanted the best for their daughter Claire. They knew a good high school resume was important to get into a prestigious college. They also knew this didn’t just happen; it required years of preparatory work.
Over the years, they pushed Claire to excel in school and extracurricular activities—the ones she would need in order to be a “success.” Aaron and Jennie sacrificed a lot of time and energy to help Claire lay the groundwork for her future.
Early in her life, Claire sensed how important her achievements were to her parents. She wanted to make them proud of her. Whether it was her grades, sports, cheerleading, or clubs, she did it all and excelled at most. But sometimes she neglected more mundane responsibilities because she knew she could count on her parents to bend over backward to make sure she overachieved on the “important stuff.”
For example, when Claire rushed off to school and left her room in a mess, her mother would clean it up because she knew Claire would be exhausted when she came home. Claire’s back-to-back activities were often on different sides of town, so her parents took turns leaving work early to drive her from one to the other. When Claire remembered before a club meeting that she’d signed up to bring brownies, her mother would drop everything, go to the store, and make the brownies so Claire could work on her homework instead.
So who really was running Aaron and Jenny’s household? It was Claire.
Her needs came first, and her parents formed their schedule around hers. Her parents’ desire for success led them to sacrifice their time, money, and energy for the goals they had for Claire.
That may sound noble at first, but a closer look at the role of the central authority will show you how turning the hierarchy in the home upside down actually results in less growth and maturity, less preparedness for the world, and the possibility of a serious case of entitlement on the part of the children.
So what is a proper biblical authority structure for parents and children?
A hierarchy for healthy families
The undeniable fact is that God expects parents to lead the family. In fact, He spelled out a hierarchy designed for healthy family functioning: The husband is to be the loving, self-sacrificing head of the wife and kids. With this authority comes the most challenging task of all: to love his wife the way Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:23). Talk about a high calling!
Next, the wife is to be intimately involved in and consulted on family decisions. (See Ephesians 5:21 and 1 Peter 3:7.) Just because she is subject to the husband’s headship doesn’t mean she has no authority. In reality, lots of child-raising responsibilities are delegated to Mom, and Dad must support her in those tasks.
Finally, children are to obey their parents and learn from the loving, empathetic relationship that develops with them. (See Ephesians 6:1-4.) God designed the family in such a way that parents are to function as a team of true, loving, central authorities. This lays the foundation for everyone to fulfill his or her responsibilities to the family with love rather than selfishness or pride. (See Ephesians 5:21-6:4.)
Parents must learn the dynamics of exercising authority together. Intuitively, kids will learn to master the divide-and-conquer approach to dealing with authority. They will quickly recognize the weaknesses in the parental team and learn how to pit Mom against Dad when it works to their advantage.
For example, if Mom has a particular way of dealing with problems and Dad has another, the children will learn to choose which one is better for them as each individual situation crops up. They can run to the rescuer to avoid consequences and to the dictator when they need a problem solved.
Kids are much more likely to learn how to solve problems and face consequences when their parents are united in their approach and fully supportive of each other. These parents are able to provide clearer boundaries and a greater sense of security to their kids.
This may require parents to have team meetings from time to time in order to work together. Ideally, you’ll discuss these difficult parenting issues in private so you can agree on boundaries and deliver effective consequences as a unit. Even if you don’t have time to consult one another before each issue, you’ve got to be supportive of the other parent and keep your disagreements private and behind closed doors.
Fear of discipline
An even more subtle way children indirectly acquire the role of central authority is when parenting decisions are shaped by a fear of discipline or causing pain. When parents fail to exercise their authority because they can’t stand to see their kids suffer consequences or because they are afraid their kids will be mad at them, the kids have become the authorities in the home. These fearful parents resort to pleading, bargaining, or whining to get their kids to do what they want, but these approaches undermine their authority and rarely get the responses they are seeking.
Some parents are so afraid of being disliked by their kids that they fail to establish reasonable boundaries for the kids’ behavior. These parents rationalize with comments like “Well, they were going to do it anyway, so I thought they might as well do it where I can keep an eye on them.” What’s sad is that the effort to convince their children to like them usually results in disrespect and entitlement instead.
Still other parents are afraid to exercise their authority because they think that enforcing boundaries with consequences will damage their child’s self-esteem. They believe every experience must be a positive one or their child will become discouraged and lose heart. But one of the reasons God gives people trials is to build perseverance, maturity, and confidence. Parents who believe in their children and support them in their struggles without rescuing will find that godly self-esteem is a natural by-product of the process of struggling through discipline. (See James 1:2-4 and Romans 5:3-5.)
In contrast to the parents who are afraid to exercise authority, other parents exercise it too harshly. These parents run the family like a drill sergeant, barking out orders and expecting everyone to jump at their commands. They often insist on “first-time obedience,” expecting their kids to obey every command without challenge, excuse, or delay.
While we all want our kids to obey the first time we ask, the dictatorial approach sends a message that we aren’t willing to listen to our kids. It emphasizes our power and authority over the value of having an authentic relationship with our kids. This makes obedience difficult for rebellious kids and mechanical for compliant kids. In neither case is the child learning from his or her experiences because the parents are forcing their will on the child rather than walking beside them and using the experiences to shape their character.
Far from having the positive influence they desire, an overbearing parenting style can cause kids to become preoccupied with the power disparity. As a result, many kids can’t wait to get out from underneath this power structure as soon as possible. In the meantime, they will look for passive/aggressive ways to exert their own power.
As parents, it is time to reevaluate what it truly means to exercise godly authority. This is not being permissive or domineering but rather being balanced as God is balanced. He will help us learn to exercise our authority well and how to maintain a careful balance between truth and love. God expects and equips us to exercise our power empathetically and judiciously, with the overarching goal of encouraging each member of the family to grow into the person He designed them to be. Pray for the wisdom to be that kind of parent.
Bringing it home
God created families with a particular hierarchy in mind, and parents are at the top of that hierarchy. For dictators, this is a comfortable position. For rescuers afraid of disciplining their kids, it can be more difficult. But a balance of bonding and boundaries is essential to being a godly authority that earns respect by treating his or her kids with respect. A balanced parent sets boundaries, gives age-appropriate choices within those boundaries, and delivers consequences when kids stray.
Kids will sometimes assume the position of authority in a family when the parents cede power to them, either by making the children’s activities the most important events of each day or by failing to deliver consequences when they are deserved. Take some time to reflect and pray about your responsibilities and priorities for your family. Is family time sacred, or does it get sacrificed in order to get to the next practice, game, meeting, or event? Do you eat dinner together often, or is life too hectic for that?
Do you lovingly discipline your children when they make poor choices, or are you afraid of their reaction? What about the reaction of other parents? Do you worry that you might be seen as a bad parent if your kids are not doing all the things the other kids are doing? Or do you insist on first-time obedience and fail to consider that it’s important for your kids to know the reasons for asking them to do something? Is your attitude “my way or the highway” where your kids’ thoughts, opinions, or reactions are ignored just to get things done?
Take heart! God knows your struggles and your tendencies. Ask for help, and wait to hear. Spend some time with your Bible and look for God’s wisdom. He will speak through the words on those pages. Be empathetic and earn the respect of your kids through clear boundaries, consistent consequences, and a willingness to walk with them through the struggles of life.
Listen to Chris and Michelle Groff tell FamilyLife Today® listeners what they learned while their son was in drug rehab, and how they used this information to start their own ministry helping other parents.
No matter the child, no matter the situation, every parent longs for obedience from their offspring. The Groffs book, Parenting by Design, describes a relational approach to raising children, relying less on rote obedience and more on walking with your children through their decision-making development. This book will help you parent with grace and love, two key elements in motivating a child to obey. OrderParenting by Design today.
Karaña Walker looked at her friend’s face and knew something was wrong. Laura Danser and her husband, Dale, were walking toward her. They were among thousands of couples streaming out of the Cox Convention Center in Oklahoma City after attending an I Still Do marriage event…..
Laura was weeping and Dale’s face was flushed. When the two women met, Laura embraced her friend, hesitant to let go. Between sobs, she whispered into Karaña’s ear, “How did you know?”
“How did I know what?” Karaña asked. But it wasn’t until later that Karaña learned what Laura meant.
How did you know how badly we needed this?
Hidden struggles
A few days before I Still Do, a one-day event sponsored by FamilyLife that encourages couples to commit to a lifelong marriage, a couple in Karaña Walker’s church realized they wouldn’t be able to attend. So they asked Karaña and her husband, Butch, to give away their two tickets.
Karaña asked Laura if she’d like the extra tickets. At first Laura declined the invitation, saying that she wouldn’t have child care. But when Karaña told her, “We have that taken care of,” the Dansers agreed to go.
At the time, Karaña and Butch did not know that Dale and Laura’s marriage was in trouble … that Laura had been searching through library books for help. “I knew we couldn’t afford professional marriage counseling,” she says. “I didn’t know who to go to.”
Like many people, the Dansers believed that marriage problems should be kept private. Already divorced once, Dale wasn’t about to admit that he was again failing in marriage. Yes, he and Laura held hands at church, but that was out of habit. No one had any idea that their marriage was broken, that they were living in parallel universes.
Dale usually worked 70 or 80 hours a week; he and Laura saw each other only an hour or two each day. He felt like Laura had time for the kids, for church and home school activities, but little time for just him.
And Laura felt alone, raising the children by herself. Laura says Dale constantly found fault with her. And she regretted what she said during one argument: “Just get a divorce attorney.” Even though she had not meant those words, soon afterward Dale told her that he didn’t love her any more. She cried all that night.
Back in 2002, if someone could have looked beyond the Dansers’ veneered exteriors, they’d probably wonder: Is there any hope for this marriage? Or is it already dead?
Something happened
Dale agreed to attend I Still Do even though he didn’t expect his marriage to work out. In fact, he had been hiding some secret money so he could leave his wife and the kids. He kept it in an envelope in his car, and as he and Laura drove to the marriage event that day in 2002, she was actually sitting above that money.
I Still Do did not begin well for the Dansers. They even got into an argument. “He reads faster than I do,” Laura says. While sharing a booklet during I Still Do, Dale turned a page when Laura was still reading it. So Laura reached over his hand to go back, “and he threw the book at me,” Laura says. She almost walked out.
But at some point late in the event, something happened. “There was something about what this speaker said … or it was just the hand of God turning our hearts,” Laura says, “and something just clicked with both of us.” They began to see the need for God’s direction in their lives.
About that time the speaker pointed to huge containers filled with freshly cut, long-stemmed roses. He invited the audience members to come down and get a rose to offer to their spouses, and then renew their vows.
As Dale walked down countless rows of seats, he joined thousands of others. When he returned with a rose for Laura, he had a determined look in his eye—he was fighting for his marriage.
Dale grabbed his wife’s hand. They both began to cry. What was God doing?
Real work
The day after I Still Do, Laura visited Butch and Karaña Walker and explained why she had appeared so upset after the event was over. She explained that she and Dale had been on the verge of divorce, and told them how Dale had confessed everything to her—that he had been hiding money, and that he had even quit wearing his wedding ring because he didn’t want to stay married.
Karaña was speechless. “You never even told us.”
After years of struggles, the veneered exterior of the Dansers’ marriage had been peeled off. Now the real work of transforming their relationship began.
They joined the Walkers’ small group and began going through FamilyLife’s marriage Bible studies. With other couples they learned how to grow together in Christ, communicate, manage conflict, and much more. “We’ve done almost all of [the small-group Bible studies] now,” Laura says.
Dale’s father died in April 2003, and with his passing Dale began to rethink his own life. Suddenly chasing materialism didn’t seem to be such a good race. So he requested, and was given, a demotion at work. Although this increased the financial pressures, fewer hours at work gave him needed time at home.
Then, in November 2003, Dale’s mother died.
Years of smoking, long hours at work, and the death of his parents had taken their toll on Dale’s body. In 2004 he was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, and a year later had triple bypass surgery “at the ripe old age of 41,” he says.
Life has taken many twists and turns for the Dansers. “Our marriage is totally different,” Laura says: Dale now uses a wheelchair because of his arthritis, and he needs Laura’s help more and more.
But their marriage is strong because they are committed to one another for a lifetime—for better, for worse … for richer, for poorer … in sickness and in health.
Grateful for the dark time
Over the years, Laura has kept special keepsakes in a cardboard box. In it are not only her children’s first shoes, but also a plastic bag with the Oklahoma City I Still Do program and a faded rose.
And on a wall in the Dansers’ home hangs a framed, signed marriage covenant; they received it at I Still Do. Seeing it reminds them of the day God transformed their marriage: October 26, 2002.
Today Laura is grateful for the dark time in her marriage and compares it to words in Psalm 23:4. “It talks about walking through the valley of the shadow of death,” she says. “Well, our marriage was dead and the only way we could get through was to walk through together.”
Like many couples, the Dansers have learned a lot about marriage the hard way. They want to help others not make their same mistakes. That’s why they mentor young couples today.
Laura says it was worth going through the dark times. “We truly have a partnership [today] … and now we see the impact we are making on other couples.”
To plant a garden is to have weeds. That’s the way it goes. They appear overnight, staring up defiantly and threatening to take over the flower bed we have so carefully planted.
My wife is always very wary when I begin one of my manic onslaughts on the weeds, for ignorance coupled with frustration and haste can produce quite a mess. She is usually at hand to point out, “Honey that’s an herb, not a weed!” However, even with these necessary cautions, I know of only one way to deal with weeds: Pull them immediately, ruthlessly, and consistently.
As in our garden, so, too, in our marriages.
Not all weeds are ugly. In fact, sometimes they make an attractive addition to the plant life. But we cannot be seduced by their attraction. They must come out or we will regret it. Neglect will find our gardens overgrown in no time at all, and in need of a major work project, usually involving outside help.
There are obviously many weeds that can threaten a marriage garden. Here are three of the most common.
Weed #1: Taking each other for granted
I was the guest of a family in Australia, and we had just finished our meal. In the absence of a dishwasher (a mechanical one, that is), I volunteered to help with the task. In declining my offer, the young wife assured me, “Oh, Lionel loves doing the dishes, don’t you, Lionel?”
Neither she nor I was prepared for Lionel’s response and the underlying sense of bitterness that accompanied it: “No, I don’t enjoy doing the dishes.” He then made clear that the reason he had been doing the dishes ever since they had been married (some 12 years) was because of his frustration with the way his wife cleaned the house.
Her assumption had been all wrong, and Lionel had never discussed the matter with her in a constructive manner. I spent the remainder of my stay trying to help this young couple pull some large weeds from their marital garden.
Not every situation is as serious as this one. But each couple must learn to eliminate the selfishness that is often at the root of taking one another for granted. Husbands, for example, are called to live in consideration of their wives. They must ensure that the passing of time and familiarity with routine does not deaden their sense of wonder and awe for the immense privilege of waking up each morning next to this woman who is an express gift of God.
If you find that you have been ignoring a taking-my-spouse-for-granted weed, pull it up right now and fill the gaping hole with flowers of appreciation or thoughtful words of gratitude. If you are stuck for words, close your eyes and imagine what you would have said in your courting days. Digging deep into that well will bring up sweet water.
Weed #2: The comparison trap
Over dinner, a wife tells her husband, “I was over having coffee with Jean today, and she said her husband is teaching the men’s Bible study, memorizing all of 2 Timothy, and considering an evening class at the local seminary.” If you are the husband, wouldn’t you fill in the inferred, unspoken conclusion: Why can’t you be more like him?
Even more common are critical comments regarding physical characteristics. “I saw Jerry down at the courts. Now there’s someone who has managed to keep a waistline!” Instinctively the husband sucks in his stomach and regrets the gradual increase of his belt size. It may even be worse when the wife is on the receiving end of a husband’s comparison. Some insensitive men use anorexic, waif-like supermodels as a standard by which they compare all other women. A much better strategy is found in the wisdom of Solomon in Proverbs 5:18-20:
May you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man’s wife?
Solomon’s challenge is to rejoice in the wife of your youth, not a wife who looks like a youth. Faithfulness across years brings a deepening sense of love and appreciation, but engaging in mental comparisons introduces seeds of disintegration.
This kind of love and encouragement can only come about when we resist the temptation to compare our spouses unfavorably with others in terms of body, mind, and spirit. Such comparisons are weeds that can strangle even the best of relationships.
Weed #3: Ignoring common sense boundaries
If it has not already become an axiom in your marriage, then make it one as of today: Do not take someone of the opposite sex into precincts that are the exclusive domain of your spouse.
When a man tells me he “communicates” far better with the lady in the office than he does with his wife, the danger signals are flashing. It’s eye-opening to hear how often an extramarital affair begins with casual conversation. Yet any time one person takes a discussion into new levels of intimacy beyond what he or she shares with a spouse, the weed sprouts and begins to bloom.
Job influences are crucial simply because much of our week is spent with business associates. That prolonged and regular contact may easily lead to dangerously close associations. Unless we draw clear limits to our associations, we will naturally drift toward companionships that could harm ourselves and our marriage. The businessman, like the preacher, should heed Paul’s advice: “Treat the younger women as sisters” (1 Timothy 5:2). No sounder approach is possible.
Who says marriage has to be this way?
The ever-increasing percentages of failed marriages should indicate that secular society’s approach to marriage, with its lack of absolutes, is not working. A significant number of movies and television shows have challenged the institution of marriage under the disguise of humor. It is important now, as in every age, that we learn the times in which we are living so that we can avoid its temptations and challenge its proud assertions. Many of the things that are accepted as natural—perhaps even beautiful—are nothing more than weeds.
No matter how much effort goes into the preparation and planting of a garden, it will all be in vain if the weeds are not dealt with. Let us then resolve to tackle them immediately, ruthlessly, and consistently.
1. We were married in March 1991 and ever since our honeymoon in Maui we plan a getaway that happens near our anniversary each year. Sometimes it is just a trip to the Oregon coast, and sometimes it is more extensive, such as a cruise, a few days in Mexico, etc. No matter what it entails, we make it a point to take time out to celebrate our relationship and all that God has done in our lives! We find it refreshing and a real marriage builder. Again, as you said in your article, it’s a time to create memories that only the two of us share!
2. Many years ago (while we still had little ones at home) I not only arranged a vacation but also arranged (secretly) for her time off from work and someone to watch the kids. The day before we left I told her that she didn’t need to go to work the next few days and she should pack her bags and only let her know in general what to pack. It was really fun to get in the car the next day and drive off with her still not knowing where we were going. We had a wonderful time in Victoria, British Columbia.
Once she sent me flowers at work with a message to not go home after work but to go to room number 245 at a local hotel. WOW, that was fun.
We recently renewed our vows and I planned the second honeymoon. I e-mailed her clues about where we were going every day for the 30 days before we left. Close to the end of the 30 days and with the help of Google, she figured out we were going to Costa Rica.
Last winter I planned a trip for her birthday. We both love to cross-country ski but this year we had no snow. I only told her we’d be taking an extended weekend for her birthday. The day before we left I let her know to pack for skiing. Six hours of driving, and she didn’t know where we were going until we pulled in to a wonderful mountain bed and breakfast in British Columbia. We had a great time.
Last summer I arranged to have my brother’s cabin (which is in the middle of nowhere mountains in northeast Washington). I planned a weekend of absolutely nothing. I just packed food, and told her the day before we were taking off for the weekend. I also told her to bring some books if she wanted to. (She’s a big reader.) We got to the cabin Friday night, and I told her nothing was planned to do, no problem. I left early on Saturday morning and spent most of the day on a long bike ride. She eventually got up and read in absolute peace and quiet.
This summer I’m going to bike the STP (Seattle to Portland). She let me know we wouldn’t be staying with family. I reminded her I really want to go to an old friend’s church on Sunday. So she got online, found out there are multiple services and told me we can make the noon service. Well, okay, something is up, and I’m looking forward to it.
3. Our special getaway last year was a short-term mission trip to Russia, just the two of us. We had gone one year with a group, and Mike had gone one year without me (our daughter’s baby was due any time); but last year was very special with just the two of us. After our mission business was done we had the most beautiful sightseeing trip in St. Petersburg with the most wonderful Christian tour guide! We are planning another mission trip for next year and it will probably be the two us again.
4. We love the outdoors. Our end of July honeymoon began at a condo in Palm Springs, Calif., but the heat was so oppressive that we decided to spend the other week of our honeymoon tent-camping and traveling back to Michigan. We camped in the desert with some wild donkeys in Nevada; stopped in Moab, Utah, to do some off-roading as well as Ouray, Colo. We had SO much fun and many crazy adventures that are now requested stories in our new-marrieds class at church.
To freshen up our marriage and just plain have some fun, we love to go dune-running in the summer or drift-running in the winter!! It reminds us of what we both love and where we learned to love each other.
The other really fun aspect is that it is the real you in each adventure. Hairdos and makeup generally get in the way or get really “undone.” We enjoy just being real with each other. Granted, sometimes it is a half-hour or so into our adventure before the “junk” in our relationship is resolved so we can get back to enjoying each other … that happens often. But our adventure is so much sweeter after the “junk” mountain is scaled!!
5. I am writing to share about my husband’s and my anniversary tradition. It started on our honeymoon, which was a seven-day Caribbean cruise, and has continued through our now fifth anniversary. We have taken our parents, sibling, and kids. We start planning as soon as we get back from one and look forward to it all year. Our house is filled with pictures of each trip to remind us of our love for each other and our family.
I am in agreement that a special occasion should transpire for anniversary celebrations. It’s too big an accomplishment to go uncelebrated.
6. Yes, my wife and I have done many things together over our 34 years of marriage.
I have written a little book to help some of my friends, who are not romantics, romance their wives. It was a fun project and I have about 75 ideas that I shared with them from my personal experiences with my wife. It was originally written for one of my dearest friends that just doesn’t think that way at all. Included in that little publication is my story below.
Our couples Bible study group, who have been meeting together for 30 years, have a special event we do each Valentine’s Day or the weekend nearest to it. We alternate between the men and women planning the event every year.
One time, the guys decided on a one-day trip and had it all planned about two months in advance. We got our wives excused from work (those that worked), woke them up a 5 a.m. Of course, they all said, “Why do I need to get up now?” And, the husbands said, “Trust me!” That is a key phrase we all have acknowledged as a password that we have something special planned: Just “trust me” and come along.
We took them to the airport, flew to a San Francisco bay area airport, picked up a van and drove to Napa. Got on the Napa Valley wine train and enjoyed a special three-hour trip with wine, hors d’oeuvres, and then a wonderful lunch viewing the countryside of the Napa Valley.
Afterward, we drove down to Berkeley and went shopping in an outdoor mall for a few hours, then went to Spenger’s Fresh Fish Grotto for dinner, got back to the airport, flew down to Burbank and we got home about 10 p.m. It was a long and wonderfully special day with seven fun-loving couples.
This was probably our greatest “trust me” adventure as our ladies have continually talked about that special day for years.
7. My wife and I waited eleven years to have kids, and we were blessed with twin boys in 1991. Anniversaries came and went after the boys were born, but in 2005, I decided to surprise Theresa with a trip for our twenty-fifth anniversary.
I secretly planned a getaway to Savannah, Ga., at a Christian-owned bed and breakfast. I wanted to spend one night on the road before continuing on to Savannah, and wanted to impress her with a nice motel. After hours of Internet searching, I decided to book one night at the Ritz Carlton on Amelia Island (just outside of Jacksonville, Fla.). I arranged for dinner for two in our room, a private fire on the grounds overlooking the ocean, and had flowers and a photo from our wedding day waiting for us when we returned to our room.
It turned out that it was a fantastic and romantic time together. The staff and accommodations were second to none, and the food was terrific. During our breakfast the next morning, my wife said that if we were to go home that morning that the trip would have been worth it. Theresa made me feel so good with this incredible affirmation for the effort that I had put in by planning this special celebration!
Since then, it has become our annual tradition (although expensive, I look at it as an investment in our relationship). We now go for two nights and are eagerly anticipating our next anniversary in January 2008, when we will celebrate 28 years together.
Now that we have done this together, I cannot imagine not having this special time together! I can truly say that our marriage is stronger today because of these weekend getaways.
8. It’s incredible how weekends together work. When the kids are young it is so hard to do; by the time the weekend rolls around you are so tired you don’t want to go anyplace, and you have to find someone to watch the kids while you are gone. That’s the hard part, making the extra effort to take the time away. Our short sightedness keeps us from seeing the long term affects. Once a couple can see the results they see the effort is more then worth it.
Also the concept of common shared experiences is so powerful, especially a personal experience just between two people. A very strong part of the bond between my wife and me is that as kids we both arrived in Alaska the same month in the same year, and both grew up in remote, although different, areas of Alaska. In 1999 we moved out of Alaska on our own, 5000 miles away to North Carolina. We drive for two weeks to an area of the country we had never been to before. That move is a strong-shared memory between the two of us.
Now that our kids are of college age we have focused our combined attention on a mission here in the US. My wife and I work in two different locations so we don’t see each other most of the day. I have often longed for the days when husband and wife worked a business together. I know that can often tear a marriage apart, but I believe that as long as they focus on God it will draw them together instead of tear them apart.
While supporting this mission we have spent alone time together in the car traveling between North Carolina and West Virginia, where the mission is located. And a couple of nights in a nice hotel room. We both have gifts to contribute to the mission and it has built strong shared memories that has strengthened the bonds that holds us together.
I believe you don’t go looking for someone else when you have strong positive memories that you share with someone.
I am quite frustrated with the attitude of the world, although not surprised. I have found that the strongest relationships are relationships where people do things together continually and consistently. But we move around so much that there is no time to build these kinds of relationships. It is rare nowadays for two people to grow up together in the same town and the same school. This culture we have in the US has become anti-relationship. People are too often forced to move which tears apart relationships to a point where people shy away from investing into relationships.
9. My husband and I plan “mystery trips” regularly. They are not necessarily overnight trips—but sometimes include simple dates to the park, golf course, or a special restaurant. Recently, I took my husband to Nashville to see his favorite hockey team. The mystery dates make even the most ordinary date seem extra special!
Also, my husband is a pastor and we make an effort to keep Friday nights as our “date night.” It is widely known that it’s our special time together and we do not plan activities during our date.
10. My husband, Chris, and I don’t take many vacations together, but we do something that I think is romantic. We keep a notebook in the bedroom and write notes back and forth. Sometimes these notes are short and silly and other times they are long and romantic. I get a smile on my face every time I see that Chris has written a new message.
I’ve noticed that most romantic novels and movies contain a common theme.
It goes like this: A handsome, intelligent, adventurous, single man on a mission unexpectedly meets a beautiful, equally intelligent, single woman under improbable circumstances—often in an exotic foreign location or in a lavish historical setting. Though their personalities may clash at first, and though they may even be on opposing “teams,” eventually they fall madly in love. And while this love is often impulsive and always new—never mature—in most cases the story ends with the unspoken assumption that they will live happily ever after.
How many romance novels or all-star chick flicks feature a faithful husband and wife with two, four, six, or eight children, living a normal life (whatever that is!) going to work and school and church, and enjoying passionate romance on a regular basis? Not many that I know of.
How many couples really live like people in the movies and novels? Who can maintain that level of intensity? Or adventure, intrigue, and surprise? Does that sound like your marriage relationship? I’m guessing it doesn’t.
Everyone must come down from the high of new love and make the transition to everyday romance. But it’s also important to work at renewing some elements of that “first love.” That’s why a good book or movie with a romantic theme, as shallow as they may be, can also be instructive; they can cause us to reflect on and remember the flavor of new love. They show us how couples in love act with each other, and they remind us of the effort that many of us once put into our marriage relationship.
Imagination and creativity
Couples in the new love season of romance are often so focused on pleasing each other that they devise ingenious means of capturing each other’s attention and create endless ways to say “I love you.” Their courtship is marked with creative notes and gifts, interesting dates, surprise parties, and much more. But at some point complacency sets in to a relationship, and creativity often goes out the window—or is refocused toward the children.
In an article titled “God Is Not Boring,” John Piper suggests that using our God-given imagination is a Christian duty. He writes, “Jesus said, ‘Whatever you wish that others would do to you do also to them’ (Matthew 7:12). We must imagine ourselves in their place and imagine what we would like done to us. Compassionate, sympathetic, helpful love hangs much on the imagination of the lover.”
The application for rekindling romance in marriage is this: Express your love to your husband in the same way you want him to express it to you.
Levels of creativity
Small actions of creativity can include phone calls, e-mails, and little notes of gratitude and praise. Whisper in his ear, telling him you enjoyed your most recent lovemaking, will make him proud to be your man. Thank him verbally for his manly qualities that you love—his strength, his work, his leadership, his faithfulness, his way of serving you and your children.
Then, there are those medium-level creative touches that contribute more directly to a romantic rendezvous. Buy candles and romantic music for your bedroom. Replace your worn-out panties and bras with something new and more interesting. Demonstrate greater affection by giving him a back rub or more passionate kisses or some other affectionate means of extra attention. My husband always appreciates a new nightgown because he knows it’s not important to me what I wear to bed as long as I’m warm. The truth is, I’d wear the same thing for years until it wore out if it weren’t for my husband!
Ultimately the best creativity is your imaginative new ways to give yourself to your husband sexually. Depending on your background and your husband’s level of interest in trying new things, this could require a great amount of risk for you. The only guidelines for your creativity are that it be pleasing to your husband, not offensive to either of you, and within the boundaries of Scripture. Plan a special love feast for his birthday; find different places to enjoy love; dream up different things to wear … or not wear.
One last thought as you sift through these elements for creating your own romantic marriage. In some ways, renewing romance is like baking a cake. Many common ingredients, such as flour and sugar and eggs, go into every cake recipe. But there are also many variables that affect the baking. Oven temperature, altitude, humidity, inaccurate measuring, incorrect ingredients, or inadequate equipment have an effect on the final product.
Each partner brings to the marriage a host of romantic variables. Each of us has experienced disappointment and failure unrelated to romance and sex that influence the ability to take further risks. Many marriages deal with repeated health issues for one or both spouses.
Your individual personalities will also be factors. Some are very expressive verbally and physically. Others enjoy new experiences, are somewhat impulsive, and think fun is more important than frugality. Still others are extremely practical and cautious, and evaluate the actual monetary cost and the emotional cost of each decision. Be careful not to ignore or minimize these variables in rekindling your own romance.
In the end, renewing romance in your marriage means taking the time to work on your relationship by gathering the right ingredients and being willing to “love your neighbor as yourself”—and your nearest neighbor in this case just happens to be your husband.
When Jerry and Olivia Dugan got married, they pledged lifelong commitment to one another. After all, they each knew firsthand how divorce rips families apart. They had individually vowed, “I will never do that to my children.”
When Jerry was 11 years old, his Army father secured housing for the family in Germany. Jerry remembers eating breakfast in a little trailer park in Southern California when his mother said she wasn’t following her husband overseas.
He initially believed his mother, but then his brother started to cry—he had seen the man their mother was having an affair with.
Jerry says his parents’ divorce left a hole in his heart.
Olivia was just 7 years old when her mother announced that her father had to move out of their home. “We were at my house; it was late in the evening. I can still see it … I cried.”
After her parents’ divorce, her mother remarried. Olivia was not able to see her father as much as she wanted to. “My stepdad didn’t treat me like my daddy.”
Olivia promised herself that she would never divorce. “I knew that I wanted to be married forever.”
Like Olivia, Jerry wanted a lifelong marriage. He listened carefully to the vows that couples made at weddings. He wondered, Why did my parents break their vows? If commitment is so important, why is it okay to break it?
They didn’t know how
When Jerry and Olivia were married, each of them had the desire to keep their commitment. But something was missing: They didn’t know how. A few years into their marriage, they began to drift apart. “There were paths that we were starting on,” Jerry says. “By year 14 or 15 we might have ended up like our parents.”
Instead of continuing on their path toward isolation, the Dugans went to a Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway. That’s when they heard about God’s design for marriage. They learned what it would take for their relationship to last a lifetime.
A few weeks after that weekend, the Dugans had what Jerry describes as “some really heavy fights.” He says that the communication skills they learned allowed them not only to get through those arguments, but also helped them grow closer together.
Many of their arguments centered around money, and the getaway had taught them how to “fight fair.” Olivia says that she had a tendency to say hurtful words to her husband when things got heated. Now she asks herself: Do I want to say something mean and hurtful or can I say something constructive and get this conflict resolved?
“It feels good to see change”
Olivia and Jerry have seen from their own marriage how easy it is for couples to drift apart. They don’t want other families to experience what they did as kids of divorced parents. That’s why they became Weekend to Remember group coordinators at their church, Bay Area Fellowship in Corpus Christi, Texas. They are grateful that God is working through them to make a difference.
Two years ago, 22 couples from their church attended a Weekend to Remember, and the following year 20 more couples attended. Those who registered as part of a group received 50 percent off the regular registration rate. And as group coordinators, the Dugans earned one free registration (for one couple) for each completed group of five couples.
Jerry and Olivia wondered, Who should receive the free registrations? They asked their pastors, “Who have you been counseling every week that needs to go to this?”
The couples who were chosen not only expressed their appreciation to the Dugans, but also told their friends about the marriage getaway. “It feels good to see the change,” Jerry says, “couples going in [to the getaway] hurting and struggling and coming out renewed.”
Today many of those same couples are leading small groups and Bible studies. “After the Weekend to Remember they were one unit going forward for Christ and that blows me away,” says Jerry.
Investing in families
Olivia is a part-time preschool teacher and Jerry is in real estate. Despite their busy schedules and their responsibilities raising two children, they think it’s important to intentionally invest in other families.
Olivia says that the media portrays a laissez faire attitude about divorce—as though it doesn’t really matter. “But it is a big deal,” she says. “It tears kids up and their families!”
Jerry says that he and Olivia are passionate about sharing God’s blueprints for marriage not only in their church, but also throughout their hometown of Corpus Christi.
“We want our town to realize divorce is not an option. Kids should expect to have one mom and one dad. Period.”
Life seems to tuck us into categories. Are you young or old? Republican or Democrat? From the South or North? A student or a graduate? Employed or unemployed? The list goes on and on.
When it comes to family life, the questions seem pretty straightforward: Are you married or single, a parent or not? But for stepfamilies, this seemingly simple question gets complicated—fast. Perhaps because the terms used to define and describe the blended family experience vary from person to person.
Do you, for example, call yourself a stepfamily or a blended family? Or perhaps you’re like those who call themselves a merged family, combined family, an instant family (like coffee?), a reconstituted family (sounds like orange juice to me), a binuclear family (which originated from the child’s perspective of having two nuclear homes, but sounds like “stand back it’s going to blow!”), or a remarried family (but then, some stepfamily couples are in a first marriage, not a remarriage).
And while we’re at it, is it spelled stepfamily or step-family, or step family? It’s all so puzzling.
Can we talk?
Language is a living organism. When and how we use words—and their meaning—changes with time and culture. That certainly is the case with blended families.
When I first started teaching and writing about stepfamilies the term “stepfamily” was the predominate term within the United States. Then, about decade ago, I noticed a change in my Google search results suggesting that “stepfamily” and “blended family” were used equally in the popular culture.
More recently, however, the term blended family has vastly overtaken the term stepfamily at a ratio of about 3 to 1—at least, in the U.S. If you live in Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, or the United Kingdom, the term stepfamily is still the predominant term.
So, clearly the term blended family is the most widely used term for those of us in the U.S., right? Not so fast. If you live in the South (states like Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, and parts of Tennessee and Arkansas) the term blended family may refer to a biracial couple that may or may not have any stepchildren.
And then there are the strong emotional reactions that the terms stepfamily or stepparent have within some people. They point out that the term “step” has many negative connotations to it and dislike being associated with it.
They’re right. The term step does come with a shadow over it. It comes from an old Anglo-Saxon term meaning “bereaved or orphaned child.” When a child’s parent died, the child was bereaved; when a new mother or father came into the child’s life that person became a step-parent (that is, a parent ushered down the aisle into marriage and parenting by grief).
If that wasn’t bad enough, dark and evil images of fairytale stepparents –like Cinderella’s stepmother—have embedded in our psyche even more negativity with the word step. (Incidentally, the original author of Cinderella cast the evil stepmother as an evil mother, but the Brothers Grimm didn’t think society would tolerate a story about a horrible mother. So, when they republished the stories, they changed the character to be a stepparent. Cinderella’s real mother would never have rejected one daughter in favor of the others, but a selfish, manipulative stepmother would have no problem doing so. That was a story people could fathom. And with that one simple change, presto, a villain and a legacy was born! No wonder stepmothers hate the term!)
So, again, to solve the problem just do away with the term stepparent, right? Not so fast. I’ve never met a child who took issue with the term stepparent. I only hear that from adults. It’s quite clear to kids who is and who is not their parent. The term stepparent fits exactly right.
Said another way, I’ve never heard a child introduce an adult saying, “This is my blended mom.” And there lies the rub.
Children use terms that represent their current level of bondedness and feelings toward stepfamily members; adults use terms that represent their hopes and desires. Kids say, “You’re my stepmom/dad.” Adults say, “We’re a blended family.”
Given this difference, the wisdom for adults is not attempting to use terminology to force their agenda for family connection on a child when it doesn’t yet naturally exist. Children often bow their backs a little when adults try to force terms of endearment, and therefore, love, down their throat.
Blended families don’t blend just because you want them to; rather, they clearly start out as “stepfamilies” and cook very slowly until a blending of relationships, identities, traditions, purposes, and hearts occurs. No single term has the power to rush that, but a pressuring word can sure slow it down. No, it’s far wiser to let relationship determine labels rather than the other way around. (For more about this, read “How to Cook a Stepfamily.”)
Now, if you’re wondering how to spell stepfamily, well, it can be spelled stepfamily, step-family, or step family. These words are all acceptable in the English language. For what it’s worth, the consensus among academic writers is to spell all “step” words as one word, thus stepfamily is the most recommended spelling. But, of course, blended family is two words. Now I’m confused again!
Isolation is a disease that afflicts every marriage at some point. A husband and wife slowly drift apart in ways they don’t even recognize at first. Signs of isolation include the following:
A feeling that your spouse isn’t hearing you and doesn’t want to understand
An attitude of “Who cares?” and/or “Why try?”
A feeling of being unable to please or meet the expectations of your spouse
A sense that your spouse is detached from you
A refusal to cope with what’s really wrong: “That’s your problem, not mine.”
A feeling that keeping the peace by avoiding the conflict is better than the pain of dealing with reality
If you are starting to observe these symptoms in your marriage, you have begun experiencing the disease called isolation.
Every marriage, no matter how good, needs a plan to defeat isolation and to bring about intimacy. Isolation is like a terminal virus that invades your marriage—silently, slowly, and painlessly at first. By the time many couples become aware of its insidious effects, it can be too late. Your marriage can eventually be crippled by boredom and apathy, and it could even die from emotional malnutrition and neglect. Follow these nine steps to defeat isolation your marriage:
Step One: Learn about God’s blueprints for marriage
If you were to survey couples and ask, “What is your plan for making your marriage work?” you would hear the following response from many of them: “We have a 50/50 relationship. We meet each other halfway. We each do our part.”
On the surface, the 50/50 plan sounds fair and reasonable. In reality, this plan is destined to fail. The problem is simple: It is impossible to determine when your spouse has met you halfway.
Many times in a marriage, both partners are busy, overworked, tired, and feel taken for granted. If you try to operate according to the 50/50 plan, at some point you will start accepting your spouse according to his performance. Your natural selfishness will cloud your judgment, and you will start thinking that your spouse isn’t doing enough to keep the marriage and the family going. Thomas Fuller captured the thought process that occurs in most marriages: “Each horse thinks his pack is heaviest.”
Ultimately, the world’s plan, the 50/50 performance relationship, is destined to fail because it is contrary to God’s plan.
You can read dozens of books about what people think the plan for marriage ought to be, but since God created marriage, you should find out what His blueprints are for building a marriage. Here are three key principles:
1. To mirror God’s image
After God created the earth and the animals, He said, “‘Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.’ God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them” (Genesis 1:26–27).
Your marriage should reflect God’s image to a world that desperately needs to see who He is. Because we’re created in the image of God, people who wouldn’t otherwise know what God is like should be able to look at us and get a glimpse.
2. To mutually complete each other and experience companionship.
Scripture clearly outlines a second purpose for marriage: to mutually complete one other. That’s why God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18).
Adam felt isolated in the garden, and so God created woman to eliminate his aloneness. Writing to the first-century church in Corinth, Paul echoed the teachings in Genesis 2 when he asserted, “However, in the Lord, neither is woman independent of man, nor is man independent of woman” (1 Corinthians 11:11).
You need each other. You recognize that now. But if you build your marriage according to God’s blueprints, as the years go by you will really appreciate the genius of how God has custom-made your mate for you.
3. To multiply a godly legacy.
A line of godly descendants—your children—will carry a reflection of God’s character to the next generation. Your plans for children may still be in the future, but if He blesses you with this gift, you will be in for an amazing adventure.
God’s original plan called for the home to be a sort of spiritual greenhouse—a nurturing place where children grow up to learn character, values, and integrity. One of your assignments is to impart a sense of destiny—a spiritual mission—to your children. Make your home a place where your children learn what it means to love and obey God. Your home should be a training center to equip your children to look at the needs of people and the world through the eyes of Jesus Christ.
Your marriage is far more important than you may have ever imagined because it affects God’s reputation on this planet. That’s why it’s essential for you to set Jesus Christ apart as the Builder of your home.
Did you know that marriage was the first human institution God ordained? The second chapter of Genesis describes this drama, which occurred just after God created the heavens and the earth.
Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” Out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the sky, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. (Genesis 2:18-25)
The first thing to note from this passage is that Adam accepted God’s gift totally—he received Eve as God’s gift to Him. He trusted God totally, knowing this woman was God’s provision for his needs.
Many marriages today are insecure and crumbling because the husband and wife have stopped accepting each other. They have stopped trusting God. Instead they are focusing on their differences and weaknesses.
The end of this passage includes a powerful verse that reads, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). In this one sentence we find three additional guidelines for building a strong and godly marriage: leave, become united, and become one flesh. These are not multiple choice; all three are required for success.
Leaving your father and mother means establishing independence from them, or from any others who may have reared you. It’s amazing how many people have failed to do this. They may look very adult and act very mature and sophisticated, but deep down inside they’ve never really cut the apron strings.
The Hebrew word for “leave” literally means, “forsake dependence on.” Many people get married, but continue depending on their parents for money or for emotional support. Dependence on parents undermines the interdependence you are to build as husband and wife. It’s important for you to “leave” your parents while also obeying the fifth commandment, which calls us to honor them.
Being united to your spouse means forming a permanent bond. It means committing yourself to a lifelong marriage. Unfortunately, commitment is the missing ingredient in many marriages. Many people bail out of marriage when the relationship changes or becomes more difficult. But in God’s original plan, there were to be no escape hatches, no bailout clauses in the contract. When God joins two people together, it is for keeps. As the marriage vows say, “‘Til death do us part.”
The final directive in this passage, to become one flesh, refers not only to the physical union of a husband and wife in marriage, but also to every other area of life, including spiritual, intellectual, emotional, and social. The Genesis passage goes on to say that Adam and Eve were “… both naked and were not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25). They felt no fear or rejection. Instead they felt total acceptance by each other. Being bathed in the warmth of knowing that another person accepts you is what makes marriage a true joy.
When a husband and wife truly leave, become united, and become one flesh, they experience what I call “oneness,” which is the opposite of isolation in marriage. This is a true unity of body and soul, a total commitment to God and to each other.
Remember what we said earlier about the world’s “50/50 plan” for marriage? To experience oneness in your relationship you need to commit to the “100/100 plan.” This plan requires a 100 percent effort from each of you to serve your mate. Rather than, “You do your part and I’ll do mine,” each spouse needs to say, “I will do what I can to love you without demanding an equal amount in return. I am committed to this relationship for a lifetime, and I will do whatever it takes to make our marriage work.”
Step Three: Deal with your selfishness
Frankly, many couples beginning marriage underestimate how selfishness can threaten a marriage. During courtship and engagement, we do everything we can to attract and please our loved ones. We make ourselves out to be the most kind, loving, compassionate, sensitive human beings on earth. Then, once we are married and the conquest is complete, our natural selfishness, independence, and pride begin to bubble to the surface.
Suddenly we are experiencing conflict, and we’re shocked that this ideal love is not as pure as we imagined. Each of us wants our own way. As James 4:1-2 tells us:
What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. …
Marriage offers a tremendous opportunity to do something about selfishness. Someone may say, “There is no hope; I can’t get him to change,” or “What’s the use? She’ll never be any different.” Barbara and I know there is hope because we learned to apply a plan that is bigger than human self-centeredness. Through principles taught in Scripture, we have learned how to set aside our selfish interests for the good of each other as well as for the profit of our marriage.
The answer for ending selfishness is found in Jesus and His teachings. He showed us that instead of wanting to be first, we must be willing to be last. Instead of wanting to be served, we must serve. Instead of trying to save our lives, we must lose them. We must love our neighbors (our spouses) as much as we love ourselves.
A marriage is built when two individuals deny their selfishness and yield to Jesus Christ for the purpose of loving and serving their spouses. Jesus Christ will begin the process of building your home if you submit to Him.
Step Four: Begin to pray with your spouse
While I was still a newlywed, I asked my mentor, Carl Wilson, for his best words of advice about marriage. Carl, who had been married for many years and had four children, said, “That’s easy. Pray daily together.”
Because I really wanted to succeed as a husband, I immediately applied Carl’s wisdom. I went home that night and instituted a spiritual discipline that we have maintained consistently since our marriage began in 1972. This daily habit has helped us resolve conflicts and keep the communication lines open. Most importantly, it has demonstrated our dependence on Jesus Christ as the Lord of our family. When you invite God into your marriage on a daily basis, He will change things.
God intends for marriage to be a spiritual relationship consisting of three—not just a man and a woman, but the two of them and God, relating spiritually and remaining committed to the other for a lifetime. Wouldn’t it be natural for God, the One who initiated the relationship, to want a couple to bring their troubles, worries, and praises to Him on a regular, daily basis?
Step Five: Develop your relational skills
Did you know that you can develop your skills in relating to others just as you can develop skills in golf, cooking, or painting? Most of us develop some bad relational habits over the years, and we need training and practice to develop skill in practical, yet vital, areas of marriage, such as:
Adjusting to your differences
Resolving conflict
Listening to each other
Speaking the truth in love
Communicating expectations
Forgiving each other
Your determination to improve your skills in areas like these will show just how serious you are about revitalizing your marriage.
Step Six: Spend focused time together
A wife wants a husband who will sweep her off her feet, carry her away to the castle, and say, “Let’s spend time together.” Focused attention is like precious gold in a relationship.
In addition to regular dates with your spouse, make sure you plan for getaways. How long has it been since you spent extended, focused time with your spouse? Not just an evening at a fantastic eatery, but a couple of days away from your usual environment to catch up with each other? In too many marriages, the demands of the ordinary grind seem to overwhelm the possibility of extraordinary excitement.
Because of our fast-paced culture, we need to pause once or twice a year to rest, count our blessings, and dream some dreams. Barbara and I take what we call planning weekends, an opportunity to evaluate our marriage and parenting and, if necessary, redirect plans.
This time away together is effective in keeping our communication current, and it’s just plain fun. Without any of the everyday distractions, we can concentrate on romancing each other. I can give Barbara flowers and speak tender words. She can give me undivided attention as I unwind and share from the heart. We can stay up talking, munching snacks, and listening to music, and know we don’t have to face a demanding schedule the next day.
This is one of the greatest investments you will ever make in your marriage. Over the course of this weekend you will learn more about God’s blueprints for marriage, you’ll come to a fuller understanding of biblical roles for husbands and wives, and you’ll hear practical principles for improving your relationship. And you’ll learn all of this during a weekend away from all the distractions of everyday life.
Step Eight: Start or attend a couples’ study using The Art of Marriage® Connect Series
God made us not only to relate to one another in marriage, but also to relate to other couples. Unfortunately, most of us have many casual relationships, but few who really know what is going on in our lives. We need friendships and the kind of encouragement that comes from a small group of people who hold us accountable to keep growing in our marriages and families.
The Art of Marriage Connect Series is a group of FamilyLife Bible studies created for several couples to go through together. They are designed for a home-based small-group setting in which couples discover God’s blueprints for marriage. Becoming part of an Art of Marriage Connect group would be a great way to develop relationships with people in your church who can grow with you in your marriage and even become accountability partners for you. It is possible that there is a mentoring couple just for you in that group. Visit our website for more information about what studies are available or call 1-800-FL-TODAY.
Step Nine: Depend on God’s power to build your marriage
Why aren’t more marriages successful? The problem is that believers who enter into marriage don’t use all of the resources and tools God makes available to build oneness in their homes. As Psalm 127:1 tells us, “Unless the LORD builds the house, they labor in vain who build it.”
There are two key ingredients for living a dynamic Christian life, whether you’re single or married. These ingredients have even more significance when you apply them to the oneness you are trying to achieve as a married couple. I’ll put them in the form of questions:
Are you and your spouse part of the family of God?
Are both of you allowing the Holy Spirit to guide and empower your lives?
Read carefully, because what I’m about to say is the most important statement I make here: Unless you answer yes to both of these questions, you will lack the power to build your marriage with the oneness God intends.
God’s ideal plan is that both partners in a marriage know Him personally, that they are first part of His family before they try to build a family of their own.
Many people call themselves Christians but have never truly known God. If you believe you fall into that category, you might start by reading “The Secret to Building a Great Marriage and Family.” Many of you may know Christ, but the troubles you’ve experienced in your marriage have led you to realize that you are not experiencing Him to the fullest. An important question for you is: If Jesus Christ walked out of your life right now, how would your life be different tomorrow, or next week? If you realize that your actions, thoughts, and words would be no different, you need to come to grips with the fact that Christ is not Lord of your life.
What each of us needs in our own marriage is something to defeat our selfishness. On more than one occasion I can recall wanting to be angry at Barbara and yet at the same time facing the realization that my life is a temple of God, that the Holy Spirit lives in me with the same power that raised Christ from the dead. The Spirit helps me control my temper, impatience, and my desire to say things I would later regret.
I still fail, but I have found that as I inwardly yield my will to God, the fruit of the Spirit grows within me. Isn’t it interesting that the deeds of the flesh listed in Galatians 5:19-21—immorality, impurity, strife, jealousy, drunkenness, etc.—produce isolation in marriage? But as we submit to the Holy Spirit’s control of our lives, the fruit of the Spirit—love, joy, peace, patience, etc.—moves us toward oneness.
The dreaded “D-word”
There is so much more to learn about how to defeat isolation in marriage, but let me leave you with this exhortation: Don’t use the “D-word”! Don’t even think of divorce. Too many marriages begin to unravel when one of the spouses mentally entertains the possibility of divorce.
Marital commitment demands perseverance. For your sake, for the sake of your children, and for the sake of our culture, you need to remain committed to the covenant you made before God. You need to maintain the perseverance of couples like J.L. and Hilda Simpson, godly Christians who wrote me a profound note:
“I was 15 and J.L. was 17 when we married. We are now 61 and 63. We could have divorced dozens of times but because we love each other deeply, and because God hates divorce, we didn’t want to bring the curse of divorce into our family, so we didn’t.”
Barbara and I have been married since 1972, and we have had our share of illness, tragedy, and disagreements—but we have never mentioned the word “divorce.” That word has never passed through either of our lips. May I challenge you to do the same?
My sisters and I grew up in a household in which family was a priority. Our parents were adamant that we were to support one another and be loyal to the members of our family. Many times when I was upset with my sisters or we were arguing about something, Pop would say: “You’d better remember that all you have in life is each other. That’s your sister, son. Family. Work it out.”
We were blessed beyond measure to have parents who provided for us and protected us. There were several memorable times in my life when I saw my dad step forward and defend his family. Those actions said, loudly and clearly, “I will not let you or anyone else hurt or mistreat my family.”
Can you imagine the confidence this gave us? We were backed and supported.
This is the feeling, the spirit, of what Paul is saying in Romans 8:33-34:
Who will bring a charge against God’s elect? God is the one who justifies; who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us.
The key expression is “God’s elect.” The word elect means “chosen one.” We did not choose God and place ourselves in His family. No, God chose us and placed us in His family. He did it by purchasing us with the blood of His dear Son.
He sought us. He found us. He saved us. He sustains us. He will bring us into His presence. We are members of his family, and He lovingly and tenaciously watches over us. To be a member of the family of God means to be secure and confident. We take bold steps of faith because we know who is with us, who supports us, and who fights our battles.
But there is something more specific that Paul wants us to understand and embrace. As God’s elect, we are not guilty, we are not condemned. The charges cannot stick. Here he is referring to both our sinful condition and the sins that we have committed, both of which had not only separated us from God but assigned us to eternal condemnation. But now, through faith in Christ, we are not guilty. Thus, the guilt-erasing, soul-liberating statement in Romans 8:1: “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
Formal charges can no longer be made against God’s elect. If you have trusted Christ as your Savior and Lord, you are not condemned. We are free to enjoy Him, to live for Him, and to confidently trust Him to meet our every need.
The shrapnel of doubt
As a pastor, I have counseled countless people who struggle with that assurance of their salvation. And the shrapnel of doubt is embedded in their entire approach to the Christian life, leaving gaping holes in their confidence and their ability to have a certain, sure walk with Christ. Typically the angst and uncertainty tends to fall under the banner of one of two questions. The first is, “How can God ever forgive me for the awful things I’ve done?” This is self-punishment and the refusal to accept the unconditional forgiveness of God secured once and for all through the death of Christ on the cross.
The second question is something like this: “How do I know that I really, sincerely placed my faith in Christ?” This question launches people on an agonizing downward spiral of one negative “what if” scenario after another, sometimes leading to depression and a paralyzing hopelessness. Again, obviously, without assurance there is no confidence and no possibility of exercising life-transforming, event-altering faith.
So what do I tell them? Often I point them to this very passage of Romans 8:33-34, for it speaks to our guilt and the nature of our salvation.
Pay close attention to the short, powerful answer Paul gives to the question of who shall bring a charge against God’s elect: “It is God who justifies.” To be justified means to be declared righteous. Paul refers to this declaration of righteousness when he says in Romans 5:1, “Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” When we turn to Christ, we are declared righteous in the sight of God, and that brings peace between us and Him.
That does not mean that God somehow ignores our sin, that He is living in denial about what we are really like. He knows and has seen every nasty, filthy thing we have done. He is very much aware of our selfishness and sinful actions. He knows the sinful secrets of our hearts and the dark cracks and crevices where we not only have allowed our minds to visit but to take up residence. We have angered Him. We have hurt His heart. We have willfully and willingly disobeyed Him. God knows this and more.
Yet He justifies us. Why? Because He loves us and He knows that we are utterly helpless and completely powerless to change our condition or even come close to meeting His standard, which is perfection. So God provided His own solution to our sin and guilt, Jesus Christ, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world (John 1:29). God could declare us righteous because His own Son satisfied the requirements of His holiness.
You see, when we understand that we did not provide for or participate in our salvation, but that God did it all for us, we are filled with wonder, worship, and a sense of profound gratitude. Yes, we were guilty, but He paid the price to declare us righteous.
What God has said and done stands. Don’t be distracted by the accusations from Satan, others, or even yourself. Dismiss them. They are empty and cannot alter in the least our eternal destination and position in Christ. The moment we turned from our sin to Christ, we were declared righteous.
This means that our sin has been expunged from our record.
A friend told me that his daughter had been caught speeding. She was going 30 miles per hour over the speed limit, and the officer had no mercy on her. Her driver’s license was suspended. However, she was told that if she went to driving school, she would get her license back, and if she didn’t get any more speeding tickets for a year, the ticket would be expunged from her record. That was a no-brainer. She went to the classes. She got her license back. She drove within the speed limit. Now, there is no record anywhere of her speeding violation. It cannot be found.
When Christ died on the cross, that’s what happened to our sins. No one can condemn us, because Christ died for our sins. When Christ died, our sin and guilt were transferred to Him. I love the description in Colossians 2:13-14: “And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by cancelling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross.”
What does this mean? When we trust Christ, we experience full forgiveness, the complete removal of our offense and guilt. Not only that, the Bible teaches that Jesus currently stands before God the Father as our Advocate, declaring that His death on the cross has paid for our sins (I John 2:1). We are clean and we are free.
This means that we are free to trust God. We are in His family and He is our loving heavenly Father, who cares for us and has promised to meet our every need. We can take bold, confident steps of faith.
The relationship question
So, then, we have another question: “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?” (Romans 8:35). This is the relationship question. In other words, “Will I be abandoned?” The answer is a resounding, emphatic no. Nothing or no one can separate us from Him.
These verses are like the grand climax of George Frideric Handel’s Messiah. I’m convinced that when Paul wrote these words, he intended for them to be read with passion, volume, and great confidence—just as Handel intended for his “Hallelujah Chorus.” God’s love through Christ holds us permanently in his family. Believe it. Declare it. Celebrate it. And live confidently based upon it.
Literally nothing or no one can separate us from the love of Christ. Death cannot and will not affect the love of Christ for us because we have the gift of eternal life. Death has been defeated at the cross and through the resurrection. Therefore, death is not final, but merely the transition into the presence of God (Philippians 1:21-23).
Likewise, life cannot affect the love of Christ for us. This refers to the tragic twists and turns in life. In other words, nothing we will ever encounter in life is strong enough to pry us away from the eternal grip of God’s love through Christ. It cannot happen.
Supernatural powers cannot separate us from the love of Christ. Romans 8:38 says, “nor angels nor rulers, not things present nor things to come, nor powers…” We are followers of Christ and members of his family. There is no power, no devil or demon, no “powerful” person, no set of circumstances, no issues in life that can separate us from the love of Christ. Whatever happens tomorrow (“things to come”) or next year, for that matter, cannot change or affect in any way the love of Christ for us.
Because we are secure (“God is for us”), because we are no longer guilty (“Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect?”), and because we will never be abandoned (“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?”), we are confident. The assurance question is taken off the table. God is with us, so we are free to exercise focused, believing faith.
My daughters were all grown up, and I was nearing middle age. As I struggled to adjust to an empty nest and my new season of life, I had this troublesome feeling that life was almost over and that I hadn’t accomplished much in my lifetime—nothing great anyway. I was having quite the pity party.
But one evening, while having a conversation with my second oldest daughter, Tiffany, everything changed—especially my perspective about my life’s accomplishments.
Tiffany, recently engaged, had come over to talk about her wedding plans. The more we talked, the more she became overwhelmed over all that was involved in the planning. Finally, she said, “Well I don’t know much about planning a wedding, but I certainly know how to be a godly wife, because I learned that from you, Mom.”
I began to weep. Then I tearfully shared with her why her words had meant so much.
Tiffany had no idea I was struggling with self-doubt, and upon hearing my words she too began to weep. After regaining her composure she shared some of the things she and her sisters had learned from me, like what it means to be a godly wife and mother, and other life lessons. We talked about the choices they had made and the way they were now living their lives, and the women they’d become. At that moment I realized that, by God’s grace, I had achieved something great in one of the areas that matters most— I had raised my daughters to become godly women.
Raising girls isn’t easy, especially in today’s culture. The hormones; the attitudes; the emotions; the battles about rules, clothing, and friend choices; the onslaught of peer pressure; and the yearning for independence! Whew!
Raising a teenage girl is both a huge challenge and a great joy. And my husband and I had four! Life was very busy to say the least. It’s exhausting and exciting at the same time. It requires intentionality, time, prayer, discipline, and relationship-building.
There are so many voices coming at teenage girls from every direction: family, friends, broadcast media, social media, celebrities, teachers, pastors, and others. These voices can influence how girls view themselves, how they relate to others, the choices they make, how they view God and faith, what they should do with their lives, and more. It’s important that our daughters know which voices to listen to.
As parents, my husband and I wanted our voices to be the most influential in our daughters’ lives. We realized that building strong, healthy relationships with our girls would be necessary in order for our hopes, dreams, convictions, and faith to be heard and embraced. We made time with them a priority and had lots of meaningful conversations. They knew they could talk to us about anything.
Most important, we made it a priority to help our daughters cultivate a growing relationship with Christ. We wanted them to know and submit to the authority of God’s Word as the voice that prevails over all others. And we wanted them to understand that their identity is in Christ, not in their appearance, accomplishments, friendships, or anything else.
We took God’s calling on our lives to raise our daughters to become godly women seriously. Did we make mistakes? Absolutely. Did our daughters do everything right? Absolutely not.
Beginning in infancy and continuing through adulthood, children will do things from time to time that will hurt and disappoint us. But God will use those foolish mistakes and tough lessons along the way to strengthen and refine them into all that He has created them to be.
Our job as parents is not to raise perfect kids, because as imperfect parents that would be impossible. Instead, parenting is about accepting our children as God’s gift (Psalm 127:3), loving them unconditionally, praying for them faithfully, building godly character into their lives, and guiding them through the ups and downs of life.
As you seek to help your teenage daughter become a godly woman, here are five questions to consider:
1. Is she prepared for the responsibilities that come with greater independence?
As your daughter nears driving age, she will want more and more freedom. But along with greater independence comes greater responsibility and the ability to make sound decisions. In order for her to handle these well and move toward successful independence, she will need:
Wisdom. Proverbs 1:7 says, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction.” Encourage your daughter to read, study, and memorize God’s Word, and then put what it teaches into practice in her daily life.
Relationships. In addition to the influence of family and church community relationships, friends also influence your daughter and help to shape her identity. Therefore, it’s important that she chooses friends wisely—those who share similar values, and who will challenge her to grow and make wise decisions. 1 Corinthians 15:33 says, “Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company ruins good morals.'”
Practice over time. Help her understand that she doesn’t have to wait until she grows up to begin a life of her own, that she can start now to practice independence. She can begin by being faithful with what God has given her at this stage in her life. Doing this will prepare her to be ready for whatever He has for her in the future. Encourage your daughter to be creative and start her own venture—one that requires her to exercise maturity and responsibility, such as her own babysitting business, or a non-profit designed to help others in need.
2. Does she understand what it really means to be a woman?
Even though there’s confusion about gender identity in today’s culture, we can find a clear definition about what it really means to be a woman given by the only One who could write it—God. He can define femininity because He is the One who created women.
In teaching your daughter about authentic womanhood, help her to understand that God created women to be beautiful—not just on the outside, but with beautiful character, which is lasting and precious in His sight. He created us to be helpers—of equal value, dignity, and worth as men, but with different roles and responsibilities to accomplish His purposes. He also created us to be life-givers, not just in the maternal sense, but also by encouraging others to live for Christ. And, finally, even though it’s not unique to women, He created us to live with a heavenly focus—to live with the understanding that life is short, so make it matter for eternity.
3. Does she have a solid spiritual foundation that will make her a godly woman?
About half of kids who grow up in a Christian home leave the faith once they gain independence. This happens primarily because their faith wasn’t grounded in Christ but in something else—their parents’ faith, what their youth leader said, or in following someone they admired. Your daughter needs to know that following someone else’s beliefs won’t be enough. She has to have a personal faith in Christ—one she calls her own, and in which she is seeking to grow day by day.
4. Does she know how to effectively navigate her relationships with other girls and with members of the opposite sex?
Relationships are critical because they’re so influential. One relationship that is very helpful is with a mentor. Help your daughter to find a mentor who can build into her life and also encourage her to be a mentor, where she’s building into the life of a younger girl. We all need someone to inspire us to be better, and to do better.
Also, as mentioned earlier, encourage her to choose her friends wisely; and to have honorable relationships with the opposite sex. Help her understand how important it is during her teen years to focus on becoming the right girl (in her faith and character) instead of on finding the right guy. That prince she’s looking to marry someday will surely be looking for a true princess. A godly man seeks a godly wife.
5. Is she living a purpose-filled life?
God has a unique calling for each of our lives. How exciting it is to help a daughter discover that she has been uniquely created by Him for a specific purpose.
Inspire her to learn what her purpose is. Encourage her to seek God’s direction through prayer, and help her identify her interests, spiritual gifts, and talents. Then explore together how she might use what He has given her now and in the future for His glory.
Be encouraged as you walk this awesome, life-changing journey with your daughter. Lean into God for strength, courage, and patience along the way. And never give up as you work to help her become the beautiful woman He is calling her to be.
Whether it’s capture the flag, hide-and-seek, or just regular ol’ tag, every kid knows that when they are being chased or simply need a break from danger, they head to home base. If they are touching the tree or standing on the towel that represents home base, no one can attack them. It’s their chance to shout encouraging or strategic advice to their teammates. It’s their opportunity to catch their breath for a few moments before diving back into the game.
For kids, home base represents safety.
Can the same be said of your home?
When your kids long for some encouragement, do they head home?
When your kids need to feel protected, do they veer toward your driveway?
In most families, as kids get older, they want to be home less and less. Six-year-olds tell their parents, “I want to go home.” Sixteen-year-olds rarely do.
It’s normal and healthy for maturing young people to spend less time at home and more time with their friends. The life of a teenager doesn’t orbit around their parents; they feel a strong attraction toward school, sports, clubs, work, and friends.
While the parents we interviewed had busy kids, their homes were still magnetic enough that their kids wanted to do more than just grab food and sleep there. These young people were drawn to their homes not necessarily because they were large. Or clean. Or fancy.
It was because their homes had maintained the same sense of safety that home base offered in freeze tag. In the midst of all the forces pulling parents and kids away from each other, the home kept exerting a gravitational pull that often brought family members closer to each other and to God.
Making home a place where your kids’ friends feel welcome
By far, the most dominant theme in our discussions with 50 amazing parents about their homes is that they wanted their homes to be places where both their kids and their kids’ friends felt accepted. Whether home was a small urban condominium, a two-story house on a suburban cul-de-sac, or a large property complete with a swimming pool and fire pit, parents tried to create an environment in which children and teenagers felt welcome.
A few parents mentioned that having their kids’ friends over gave them a window into youth culture—and even their own kids’ lives—that they wouldn’t have otherwise. As one mom with college students recalled, “Especially in middle school and high school, my best tool for understanding my kids was hearing them talk to their friends in our car or at the house. We did anything we could to engage their world—to listen and to watch. My husband and I began to understand which questions we could ask and which were embarrassing.”
Creating boundaries around technology
These boundaries are needed because of the way young people today are marinated in media. Let’s consider together a generation whose lives are heavily flavored by technology.
Fifty-eight percent of this generation possesses a desktop computer.
Sixty-one percent own a laptop.
Eighteen percent use a tablet or e-reader.
But the real king of all technology is the device in their pocket. According to Pew Research, almost 90 percent of this generation carry a cell phone. When asked to describe their cell phone in one word, this generation answered, “awesome,” “great,” “good,” “love,” “excellent,” “useful,” and “convenient.”
You might be thinking that some of those words don’t sound very adolescent. Especially the words useful and convenient. That’s because the generation I’m describing isn’t teenagers. It’s adults.
Are young people avid users of technology? You bet. But the data suggests that while teenagers may be digital natives, we adults are fast-adapting digital immigrants. Before we judge teenagers for their quick-texting thumbs and seemingly permanent ear buds, we adults need to put down our smartphones and think about our own media consumption.
Pew Research noted 83 percent of young people are involved in social networking. So are 77 percent of their parents.
Often parents use this technology to improve their relationships with their kids. After all, texting can help parents stay in touch with their children throughout the day. Social media allows parents to take the pulse of their kids’ lifestyle choices and friendships.
But the parents we interviewed have recognized that the same technology that builds bridges can also build walls. Kids are so focused on sharing videos online with friends five miles away that they become numb to family members sitting five feet from them. Parents become immersed in their computers, barely noticing when their kids enter and leave the family room. Given how technology cuts across generations, many wise parents impose limits not only on their kids but also on themselves.
The family dinner
Are regular family dinners part of a magical formula that can bring harmony and happiness to your home?
The best answer from research is, sort of.
Kids who have dinner with their families seem to make better choices and avoid disorders and high-risk behaviors, including depression, delinquency, and drug and alcohol use. But when researchers took into account other differences between families who have dinner together and those who don’t (such as differences in overall relationship quality, parental monitoring, and shared activities), the effects of family dinners diminished drastically. In other words, the parents who value family dinners seem also to build healthy and caring bonds with their kids in a host of other ways.
Family dinner conversations are a bright light in these parents’ relationships with their children, but they are only one star in a constellation of connections that already shines brightly. The ongoing involvement and conversation between parents and kids is what matters most, whether or not it happens over a tablecloth.
Ideas to make your home a hub
Be there. Parents committed to building enduring faith through their homes often start with a simple, basic step. They regularly choose to be at home with their kids.
For parents to slash activities from their own schedules is certainly a challenge. But many families find that the need to trim activities from their schedules is an even larger barrier to time at home together.
Many families create policies that state how many sports and clubs their kids can participate in at any one time. (Generally it was one or two.) To avoid year-round busyness, others designate certain seasons, such as summer or winter, as sports-free months in their homes. As one mom described, “Six or seven years ago we eliminated most activities for the kids during the winter. From November to March is our time to be home, eat meals together, and do fun things at night and on weekends. That was probably the smartest choice we ever made as parents. The rest of the year, our family feels somewhat divided and fractured by multiple kids and multiple activities, but winter is our time to enjoy being together.”
Stock the fridge. In describing the glue that makes their homes a social hub for their kids and their kids’ friends, multiple families pointed to the power of food. As one dad summarized, “If we stock our fridge and cupboard, kids come over a lot. It gets pricey, but it’s worth it.”
Some parents involve their kids in planning the food they want to have for guests. That way the kids learn more about hospitality and food budgeting, while choosing snacks that reflect the vibe they want to create for their friends.
Faith in every room. As followers of Jesus, Gloria and Edgar felt their house should reflect their faith. More specific, their goal was that in every room there would be at least a memento or book that reminded their family, as well as others visiting, of their commitment to Christ.
So near the doorway in their living room they placed a small painting that spoke of the beauty of God’s creation. Next to the stove in their kitchen was a rock with a cross carved on it. Each of their kids got to choose one item for their bedroom that reflected their faith, whether it was a single book or a large inspirational poster. Without being overwhelming or imposing, Christ-centered art and messages that Edgar and Gloria have placed in their home are an external expression of their internal faith.
Conversation couch. Joyce felt that instead of being a hub of refuge and relationship, her house was more of a pit stop for her teenagers to grab a few meals and a few hours of sleep. As an interior designer, she is aware of the messages that a space communicates, and she decided to designate a special place in her house for family conversation.
She and her husband declared a couch in the living room, which was removed from the foot traffic between the kitchen and the bedrooms, as their “conversation couch.” Joyce explained to her kids that if they ever wanted more focused chat with either parent, they could ask them to come to that couch. And if the parent wanted that kind of talk with their kids, they could invite them there as well. Of course, conversations could happen anywhere in the house. And the couch is used every day for purposes other than deep conversation. But Joyce has found that having a few feet of cushions appointed for conversation is a catalyst for family discussions that might not happen otherwise.
Love letters. Even the least “write”-brained of you can make your beloved melt with a few words from the heart on paper. That alone sets it apart: Your computer can’t fry it or send it to the wrong person, and it may be saved for a great memory. If you need inspiration, think of the way the writers of Song of Solomon felt as they read of their lovers’ appreciation on paper. Is it getting warm in here?
1. Pray.
Nobody knows your spouse and how he or she is best loved like God. Pray that He’ll enable you to love and honor your mate well.
2. Make a list.
Start with three categories: Things I like and love about you; Things you do for me and our family that I appreciate; and Memories. Tips:
Try to think both in detail and about the big picture.
Include the past, the present, and the future.
Remember times when you’ve been emotionally moved by your spouse, what it was about your spouse that prompted such feeling, and how you’d describe that emotion.
What sets your spouse apart?
What did God create in your spouse that makes an excellent match for you?
How is your world different because you have this person?
What do you see in your husband or wife that he or she may not see?
3. Determine what you want to say.
What do you want your spouse to know as a result of reading this? For example, you might long to communicate, “I love you deeply. I am committed to you. I appreciate you. I’ve wanted to do something special and romantic for you.”
4. Don’t neglect presentation.
Where, when, and how would this be the most meaningful? Should you mail it? Present it on a special date? Read it in a nostalgic location? Play a CD you’ve compiled? Do you want to convey your words on special stationery (write a few drafts first!), spray it with perfume (lightly, okay?), seal it with wax, wrap it in ribbon, or even frame it? Is there a poem, Scripture verse, quote, or are there song lyrics that express your love perfectly? (Allow these extras only limited real estate on your paper. Don’t let someone else serenade your beloved entirely.)
Would you prefer to memorize your letter, looking your spouse in the eye as you share your heart with him or her?
Elements of a love letter
Greeting. Date your letter, then use a knockout greeting that fits your relationship—”To the love of my life,” “To my perfect partner,” “To the one I always dreamed of,” or even the classic “To my wife.”
Intro: This is why I’m writing. Honestly express that who your spouse is has compelled you to write and why. And do it confidently! Timid, “You probably don’t feel this way …” words diminish what you’re saying and the person to whom you’re saying them.
Body. Use your list above to lavishly honor and adore your mate. Articulate your emotion, commitment, and God-fueled love for them.
A memorable exit. You might leave on a note of commitment, saying in a sense, “This doesn’t end here!” Some examples: “I still do,” “Still yours and loving it!”, “Can’t wait to grow old with you,” “You still captivate me,” or “You’re still the one.” Or you might try expressing the depth or breadth of your love: “You have my heart.” While you’re at it, reread your letter out loud to make sure what was in your head came out of your pen.
Don’t type it. Unless your handwriting can’t be interpreted by anyone but you, the handwritten element is unmatched in personalization and sentimentality. Even if you’ll write more when you type, remember that the labor of writing something out is part of the unique expression of a love note (if you must, type it and then copy it by hand). While you’re at it, nix the notebook paper or anything else with lines. Think romance.
Don’t use words that aren’t yours. Your spouse is scripturally one flesh with you … don’t underestimate his or her knowledge of you and your sneaky factor! Genuine feeling is part of the power of a love letter. And creativity, even when it’s not as great as someone else’s, expresses your unique, personal desire to honor your mate. Don’t avoid cheesy words entirely (most of us are longing for a little sappiness), but keep it authentic, in your own voice, and avoid clichés that might cheapen what you’re saying. Key point here: A love letter is meaningful in part because it puts in hard copy how you feel about him or her in particular.
Don’t put it where your object of affection won’t find it before next year’s Valentine’s Day… and someone else might. Enough said.
Don’t use too much humor (especially sarcasm), graphic intimacy, or reference to tough times. Remember, even best intentions can be misunderstood, particularly depending on the reader’s state of mind. Create a mood while you’re writing—turn down the lights, set out the candles, turn on the soft music—and then re-create that mood on paper with the warm, intimate words you use. As for apologies, at times they’re appropriate in a love letter, but don’t let your letter take on a downward tone.
Don’t focus on yourself. Remember that this is essentially in praise of your mate, your marriage, your love, and the God who’s brought you together and done something beautiful.
Hopefully your intimidation has diminished by now! If you’re still skittish, remember: Though loving well does involve skill and careful thought, it isn’t for the elite. The most meaningful of love letters are simply true, humble expressions of the heart.
I had been caught again, even though I had been careful. Really careful. At least, I thought I had been. But despite my best covert measures, Jen had caught me engaging with pornography. She was supposed to be gone to a hair appointment. Gone for at least 45 minutes. Our eldest child, 2 at the time, was preoccupied with Elmo on the television. The youngest had been down in her crib for a nap. It would be long enough for me to sneak away to our home office, shut the door, and get on the computer.
But what I didn’t know was the salon was closed, and as Paul Harvey used to say, “Now you know the rest of the story.” Jen soon found me out. She felt betrayed and devastated, and I felt exposed, ashamed, helpless, hopeless, and weak.
At that point in my life, my source of pornography was always the computer. After all, the internet makes it easy. Anything and everything you could want is there.
With pornography, the first thing to realize is that we all have a choice. We can choose God or we can choose the sin. We can choose to be either obedient or disobedient. Sounds simple. Why then is it so hard to choose God? What drives us to choose sin again and again?
Frustrated and oppressed by my guilt, I desperately prayed to God, calling out and asking Him, Why can’t I beat this? Why do I keep failing?
I heard nothing.
So, I asked, time and time again, pleading with Him, Why am I so burdened with this? I’ve struggled with this for so long! Why won’t you just take it away?
Again, multiple times, no answer.
Hurt and discouraged by God’s lack of response, I finally decided to sit there and wait. I sat in silence waiting anxiously, hoping the clouds would part and God would finally give me an answer. It was only a few minutes, but it seemed much longer. Then, my mind began to let go of my anxiety. My body and spirit began to become calm, and then God gently spoke. The simplicity of His response hit me.
“Craig, you are trying to fill a space that only I can fill.”
This perfectly summed up my reasons for failure. I was trying to replace God with my own inadequate inventions. I was trying to substitute something made by man for something that God had already created. No wonder I was failing!
Now that I knew why I was failing, how was I supposed to stop? The truth is it’s really hard. It’s very hard to choose God over sin. Paul said, “I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate” (Romans 7:15).
Part of this has to do with our sinful nature. We will always struggle with our flesh. But along this journey, I’ve discovered four delusions that trap us in the cycle of pornography addiction. I’ve experienced all four. Some of this may apply to you, and some may not. What’s important is to recognize them for what they are—delusions.
Delusion #1: Once I get married, I won’t need pornography.
I dated a lot before I met Jen, and sadly, some of these relationships involved sex. Regardless, I still continued to view pornography throughout my relationships. I rationalized that the infrequent nature of sex in these relationships wasn’t enough to satisfy my carnal urges.
When I met Jen and we got serious right away, I convinced myself that I wouldn’t need pornography after we were married. After all, I could have sex anytime I wanted, right? Well, those of you who are addicted to porn and are married already know the answer. The addiction doesn’t stop after marriage.
The main reason it doesn’t is because pornography is not about sex. It’s the illusion of sex. It’s about fantasy. And it’s about control—the control of your imagination and your mind.
When you use porn, you’re participating via your mind. That’s what makes it so dangerous, and that’s why it doesn’t stop after marriage. Your mind doesn’t change when you get married, and even if you are having sex on a regular basis, that alone will not end your desire to watch pornography.
Delusion #2: Internet filters can curb, and maybe cure, my addiction.
After the first time Jen caught me, we talked about setting filters on the computer. We looked at several different types of software but settled on using the parental controls included with the computer’s operating system. This didn’t work for us, mainly because I found a way around the filter.
In my experience, setting up software safeguards is only a temporary fix. It’s merely a defensive wall, and walls can be compromised. The problem of pornography runs deeper, and so the solution to the addiction must be even deeper than that.
Even if you have internet filters or filtering software on your computer, it doesn’t mean you can’t find pornography. Pornography appears “offline” in magazines, digital media (i.e., DVDs, Blu-rays), and on cable and satellite TV. Movie channels often have “soft core” pornography as part of the “after dark” programming. Increasingly, cable providers also grant access to their “on demand” libraries that contain many of the same movies. Streaming services online also carry “soft core” pornography as a part of their libraries. Smart phones and tablets have internet browsers and porn applications, not all of which are caught by the rating system. There is no shortage of access to porn.
After I experienced relapse after relapse, Jen ultimately came to the conclusion that she couldn’t possibly hope to keep me from it. Even the thought of trying to do so was too exhausting. Jen finally realized that if she wanted to help me out of my addiction to porn, we had to attack the reason for the addiction, not the temptations themselves.
Delusion #3: Pornography makes me feel like a man without actually having to be one.
As men, we want respect. I would go so far as to say that we actually need it. It feels affirming to be wanted and to be seen as desirable. Sex between a husband and a wife can be the ultimate display of fulfillment of this desire. The producers of pornography understand this basic need/desire of men, but in their hands it is twisted into something much darker.
The situations in pornographic videos and magazines show ready and available women. They depict women who crave men or, in some cases, other women. This is designed to prey upon the strong desire of each man to be wanted. It also preys upon the strong desire of a woman to feel beautiful and wanted. But with pornography it’s not about freedom, it’s about control. It’s not about respect, but rather domination. It’s a dark false reality.
In the fantasy world, you can be whoever you want to be. When you place yourself into the dream, you don’t feel the pain of rejection. You don’t experience the sense of inadequacy. You don’t see yourself for who you are. You see yourself for what you want. But like the videos or images you are viewing, it isn’t real. If you want to be free, truly free, it starts by accepting the truth. And the truth is this: God created you in His image! (See Genesis 1:26-27). He accepts you, and He loves you. You are worth far more than any fleeting fantasy.
Delusion #4: There’s no way out—I’ll never be free.
Go to any bookstore and take a gander at the self-help section. It’s rife with tomes of how to improve every aspect of your life. Feeling anxious? Want to be more assertive? Are you depressed? There’s a book for that.
Throughout my addiction, I have often gone to God for help. However, I have been so wrapped up in myself that I failed to listen to what He was trying to tell me. I cried out a lot but very rarely was I quiet enough to listen for His voice.
My addiction was a vicious cycle. I’d sin, feel guilty, repent, feel better. I never seemed able to overcome my addiction. As a result, I went through periods of hot and cold in my relationship with God. I’d go to a conference, go on a mission trip, or maybe just get more diligent with my quiet times. These might get me on fire for God for a few days, maybe even a few weeks, but like the seeds in the parable of the sower that fell along the briars, my fruit never developed, I never seemed to tend my garden well. As a result, my fruit suffered, as did I.
The cycle-breaker
Through a long process of relationship-building and the prayers of those who love me, I have become living proof that we can be free from porn addiction. The cycle-breaker is a true and intimate relationship with Jesus. His love and guidance keep me from seeking fulfillment and release from pornography. He is the only real answer to our problem. Who better to know you than the One who created you? Paul talks about this relationship in Colossians 1:15-20.
Christ is the visible image of the invisible God. He existed before anything was created and is supreme over all creation, for through him God created everything in the heavenly realms and on earth. He made the things we can see and the things we can’t see—such as thrones, kingdoms, rulers, and authorities in the unseen world. Everything was created through him and for him. He existed before anything else, and he holds all creation together. Christ is also the head of the church, which is his body. He is the beginning, supreme over all who rise from the dead. So he is first in everything. For God in all his fullness was pleased to live in Christ, and through him God reconciled everything to himself. He made peace with everything in heaven and on earth by means of Christ’s blood on the cross.
So God created everything through Jesus and for Jesus. That includes you and me. God has reconciled us all to Him through the power of the cross. You have access to that same forgiveness and love of God. All you have to do is claim it. Jesus will respond. I promise you.
Today, I’m a recovering porn addict and actively cultivating a relationship with Jesus. Only He can fill the void that I have been trying to fill for most of my life. You have this same void, the same God-shaped hole. We all try different things: money, fame, sex, drugs, whatever we can. But it’s a unique shape that only God can fill.
If you are trying to beat this addiction with willpower alone, you are going to fail! It’s not about willpower. It’s about a relationship—your relationship with God and His Son Jesus. The power of temptation is strong but we serve a God who is stronger.
Having played quarterback in college and for 11 years in the NFL, I’ve been blindsided a few times. And I’ve definitely been hit by some blitzes that I wasn’t ready for—on the playing field, and in life.
I know you have, too. That’s the way life is. Stuff happens that you just couldn’t have expected and it kind of comes out of the blue.
Not too long ago, my wife and I came back from an appointment where we heard the doctor say, “We found a mass in your wife’s intestines, and we need to deal with it. We’re not sure, but it looks like it’s cancerous.”
That was a blitz.
But you know what was fascinating? Stacy understands the truth that Jesus tells us—that we’re going to get blitzed in this world. Scripture says:
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world (John 16:33).
I view that as Him saying “Hey, in this world, you’re going to get blitzed; you’re going to get shocked; there’s going to be tough stuff. But don’t panic—I’m there. I’ve gone through it. I’ve conquered it.”
You know what I saw in Stacy? The faith and the connection to God that says, “He’s in control. I can handle this.” And she handled it fabulously. We had tears. We had fear that it might be cancer. Maybe she would pass away early.
But at the same time, we knew that God had a purpose in it. Although we eventually discovered that Stacy did not have cancer, she was an encouragement to other people and inspired their faith during that time.
Be strong and courageous
Is God’s peace based on circumstances or His presence? Think about this: If we placed 95 percent of our gratitude and hope in the perfect eternal life God has planned for those who accept Him, we’d be less panicked about stuff. If we read Scripture, we see how God has always been faithful and that He is sovereign over all of history, and that includes our exact situations.
Next time you have conflict in your marriage, or you’re in a car accident, or the market crashes, or a diagnosis like cancer hits, tell yourself the truth—that God is good, in control, and cares for you, no matter the outcome.
As Deuteronomy 31:6 tells us, “So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.”
Don’t panic. Pray for Jesus’ peace. Ask God to teach you about His sovereignty.
When blitzes come to you, you can face them with confidence. There is a God who has seen it all before, and He loves you and has gone through a bigger blitz than you ever will. For your sake.
What happened was silly. I was downstairs and opened a bill. Since my wife handles our bills, I ran upstairs to discuss it with her. I bounded into the room where she was engrossed on the computer. She was re-watching a 600+ slide show of wedding photos to find a particular photo. I interrupted her and when she waved me off, I did not take the clue and told her we could handle this quickly.
Unfortunately, I ignored and flustered her, causing her to lose her place and end the slide show. She was upset and told me so.
I justified myself.
She reiterated her disappointment.
I weakly said, “Sorry.”
She explained how she felt, and the inconvenience I’d caused.
I said, “Don’t freak out.”
Things got worse. Duh!
The conflict was growing and I stood there defending myself in my heart, looking blandly at her, while thinking about how often we have this stupid disagreement. Finally I zipped my lip and went downstairs.
When I sat in my chair I thought, That is about the 1,948th time we’ve had that exchange.
I began a conversation with God that went something like this.
God, why does that happen so much? I meant well, but then I offended her, then I hurt her, then I made it worse.
The thought God gave me in return was this: Jeff, you’re more upset that you had the conflict than you are that you inconvenienced her. And you’re more upset that you had the conflict than that you hurt her feelings by defending yourself and showing no real empathy. You always want her to adjust and accept you. You ask for less of these instances of offense and conflict, but you should be asking Me to help you change. You need to want to not hurt her more than you want to not feel bad that you messed up.
Wow … That led to a very introspective and intense prayer time, and a decision. I aimed to change so that I could be a better apologizer, be less defensive, and truly be more interested in Stacy’s feelings than my own.
I went upstairs, got down on a knee next to her, and told her I was wrong to not apologize fully at first. I was wrong not to want to hear from her how I had inconvenienced her. I was wrong to defend myself. I did not care for her feelings well, and I want to.
I concluded with four things: “I was wrong. I am sorry. Will you please forgive me? I want to change.”
Stacy teared up in a good way and swiftly loved me back with her forgiveness, her own apology, and a hug.
It’s that time of year: the NFL playoffs—that time of most intense yearning for fans.
For months fans have been putting their hopes in their teams’ players and coaches, who have been pouring every ounce of mental and physical energy into a singular goal: reaching and winning the Super Bowl. Every team is dying to get there but few do. Fans dream of going to the big game, if they could even afford the $2,800 tickets. Players, coaches, fans—we all yearn for our team to make it.
My own yearning to go to the big game started early—as a 7-year-old boy. It was around Christmas when my daddy told me that if his team won their big championship game against the Chiefs, I would get to fly to Los Angeles to watch the very first Super Bowl in NFL history. Dad was more than a Buffalo Bills fan—he was their quarterback.
Dad played hard. We cheered hard. But our California Super Bowl dreams were dashed when Kansas City won the league championship, earning them the trip to face the Green Bay Packers in Super Bowl I.
Less than 20 years later, I had my chance to go to the playoffs as quarterback of the Los Angeles Rams, only to lose in the first round. The next year—just like my dad—our team made it all the way to the conference championship game. We weren’t that close … we lost to the Bears 24-0 in frigid, windy Chicago. But hey, 25 points in the fourth quarter and we’d have been in the New Orleans Superdome playing in Super Bowl XX.
One of the best teams I played for, the San Francisco 49ers, went to and won multiple Super Bowls, but not in the single season I was on the team. My teams made it to the playoffs six times, but never to the big game. So I know at least a bit about the yearning and the sacrifices made to reach and win the Super Bowl.
The best NFL coaches do more than just paint a vivid picture (cast a clear vision) of the Super Bowl as the team’s goal. They connect every little detail of preparation, practice, and doing your particular assignment as vital to the journey and prize of a Super Bowl championship. I remember Hall of Fame coach Bill Walsh explaining to us how details like perfectly consistent steps in handing off the ball or timing in releasing a pass relate to the constant improvement and excellence that would lead us toward a Super Bowl.
Laser-like focus is crucial to accomplishing great things in life. The trick seems to be in choosing what steps are important and what goals are truly great.
Often we are distracted from the ultimate goals and most important things in life. It may be busyness. It may be the sudden blitz of life’s painful problems. It may be the distractions of entertainment, or for us fans, the obsession with a sporting event like the Super Bowl.
I’ll be the first to admit it. I love the playoffs and I obsess a bit too much about getting to see all the great games, culminating with the Super Bowl.
But for those of us who believe in and aim to follow Jesus, all the enthusiasm and emotional devotion we have toward the playoffs should trigger a calibrating question:
How much do other interests of mine crowd out what should be my transcending joy and dominant interest?
If I can put so much energy into the Super Bowl, how much more focus and effort can I put into my marriage, raising my children to know Christ, preparing them to walk in His purpose for them?
God and His Word point us as men to the ultimate goals and destination: seeking first His Kingdom, our eternal relationship with Him, and leading others to the same. Our goal is the upward call of the prize of dwelling with God eternally and elevating our Savior, Jesus. We all love our teams. But this eternal goal should be motivated by gratitude and love for God, who never lets us down. And that should drive us to the daily and the practical: to show our love for Him by loving others, including each person in our family, and every human neighbor He puts in our path.
Friend, you may never get to attend the Super Bowl or accomplish your biggest earthly goal. But there are bigger, more attainable goals in Christ. This year let the intensity, attention, and extravagance of the Super Bowl prompt us as Jesus followers to refocus on our greatest joy, our greatest victory, and our greatest calling. How should that make us live differently?
In last week’s Marriage Memo, I wrote of seven things men need to know about marriage. In a culture of counterfeits and mistruths, it’s important to understand what marriage is about.
Here are seven more things men should know. As you read through the list, ask God to remake you and help you understand what it means to be a man and a husband.
1.A man needs to know that the key to great sex is exclusivity. Our modern world tricks a man into thinking that more sources of sexual stimulation will satisfy him. But like a drug, they thrill but do not satisfy. Sexual entertainment, images, and illicit sex erode rather than enhance sexual joy in a marriage.
They way to become a great lover is to practice with only one woman for life. It is to be generous, exclusive, and serving—not greedy, distracted, and taking. A great relationship and great sex are connected in marriage, and that only happens when a man’s sole target of sexual affections, imaginations, and enjoyment is his wife.
2. A man needs to know that marriages typically have a one- or two-year “honeymoon era.” This is a period of semi-blind euphoria that makes the relationship magnetic and easier. It’s as if our Creator gives that to us humans to get us jump-started in marriage. Couples should know that when the euphoria wears off and they eventually settle into normality, the different feelings they experience do not indicate that they married the wrong person or are not “in love” anymore.
3. A man needs to know that living together and having sex before marriage uses up a good portion of the “honeymoon era” euphoria. It often causes the onset of reality to begin almost immediately after the wedding, depending on how long the couple had been living and sleeping together. Research shows that divorce and issues of mistrust are more common for those who cohabit before marriage than for those who do not. Cohabiting is not “good practice” for marriage.
4. A man needs to know that commitment is a key to success in all of life, and especially in a relationship with a woman. One way of defining commitment in marriage is never considering divorce. If you know that you won’t be leaving or divorcing, it forces you to face differences and problems and work through them.
In marriage it is the security of commitment that allows a woman to feel peace in the relationship. The assurance of a husband’s commitment helps a woman entrust herself to him emotionally and sexually.
5. A man needs to know that marriage is not easy. Marriage is not automatic, and it’s often difficult. The euphoria of romantic infatuation in the first years of marriage fades, requiring the mature resolve to behave lovingly and invest relationally to build a deeper bond than infatuation. Marriage will take intentional and continual effort.
6. A man needs to know that the purpose of marriage is less to make you happy, than to make you holy. Now it’s true that a good marriage to a good woman can make you happier than most anything else on earth. But if your goal is to be happy, then you will be focused on yourself, and you will damage your character and your relationships.
If you aim to be holy—like Jesus, not like a monk—you will invite God to change you. You will allow your marriage relationship to change you and crush your selfish will and defensive pride. You will experience true oneness in your marriage—you’ll be deepest friends, intimate allies, generous lovers, caring providers, complementary partners, spiritual enhancers. (Thanks to Gary Thomas for the idea)
7. A man needs to know that God gives authority and responsibility to a husband to make the marriage thrive and last. He is to steward and shepherd himself and his wife’s union. He is to be proactive at assisting God in healing her past wounds, creating oneness in their bond, and assuring her (and their children) of his love for her.
Women are natural responders when men initiate in love, prayer, and humility. Men must not be passive, arrogant, distracted, or controlling. A man will not point the finger at his wife’s behavior or shortcomings, but will examine his history as a husband and ask God to change him. His heart, his care, and his initiative is the key to his wife’s response and the health of the marriage.
Guys have been blindsided in our culture. We don’t see the path to manhood, and we often don’t know how to view women, sex, relationships, marriage, and our role as husbands.
A key to the problems guys face is that we don’t understand the North Star of relationships. It’s the gold standard of selfless love, the blueprint for building a family and blessing our children. What’s that North Star? Knowing Jesus Christ and His purpose for marriage, and trusting in His strength to make a lasting relationship possible.
Marriage needs to be re-explained. It needs to be re-branded as an awesome, noble, and challenging adventure. Our manhood, our happiness, and our children’s future depend on marriage—yours, mine, and everybody else’s.
In a culture of counterfeits and mistruths, it’s important to understand what marriage is about. As you read through the following list, ask God to remake you and help you understand what it means to be a man and a husband. Let’s value marriage and relate well to our wives, whether we’re married yet, or preparing for that woman.
1. A man needs to know that the ultimate team is marriage.
It’s the union and oneness of man and woman in lifelong covenant. That’s the team that anchors a family. It’s a bonded relationship that mirrors God’s sacrificial, unconditional, lasting love for his children (those who by faith have accepted His sacrifice and adoption into his eternal family).
2. A man needs to know the difference between being a consumer and an investor in life, in relationships, and in marriage.
Don’t let an advertising-saturated, consumer society make you act like a consumer in relationships. Decide to add value to a wife, not take value.
Just like great quarterbacks serve receivers, and great receivers serve quarterbacks, we need to be investors, not childish consumers, takers, or complainers. We are to model ourselves after Jesus, the ultimate relationship investor. He is the definition of a man: responsible, initiating, courageous, self-sacrificing, healing, peacemaking, justice-doing, others-centered rather than self-centered, loving others in ways that add value and nobility to them.
Before he is married, a great husband will be a relationship investor who will build friendship that adds value into the life of a young woman, her self-esteem, and her potential to serve God. He will channel his sexual desires and expression into devotion to God and commitment to one wife for life. He will marry and be sexually exclusive—only having eyes, imagination, and sexual intimacy with one woman.
We should be asking ourselves this question daily: “Would I want to marry me?”
3. A man needs to know that a marriage and family depend upon God as their maker.
God is the authority. He provides the blueprints for marriage and the power source of love, wisdom, and health. God can heal any marriage if the husband and wife will submit themselves to God and let Him change them.
4. A man needs to know that marriage is meant to mature him and develop Christ-like character in him.
It can help conform him to the image of Christ, reshaping his will and identity into union with, and deference toward, his wife. This is like the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit who honor, defer to, and glorify each other.
The friendship of marriage helps spouses become better versions of themselves, closer to what God designed and redeemed them to be. They must face the truth about themselves—their strengths and their imperfections. They will face conflict and difficulty and must grow empathy and teamwork. Selfishness must melt away if they are to become healthy, strong, and mature together.
5. A man needs to know the meaning of love.
God defines love not by how much you want to receive, but by how much you are willing to give of yourself—your will, your freedom, your time, your emotions, your forgiveness, your resources. The model is Jesus, who demonstrated love for us by dying for us while we were yet sinners.
A husband does this by choosing his wife as a priority in his life over all other pursuits, possessions and distractions—regardless of whether she is kind, lovable, or respectful. Love brings out the best in her. A man initiates love, rather than waiting for or demanding respect or kind treatment. Love is not dependent upon feelings. Decisions and choices to love can regenerate the feelings of love.
6. A man needs to know the Christ-like role of servant, husband, and lover.
He is to be an investor in his wife, and he sacrifices himself for her best. He defines his manhood as pursuing purity in Christ, chastity before marriage, and enthusiastic fidelity in marriage.
7. A man needs to understand sexuality as God’s good creation, distinct from its counterfeits.
He understands that sexuality makes sense in the context of union to God and the union of marriage. Outside that context it’s often reduced to moralism, rules, suppression, secrecy, illicit imagination, temptation, and shame. Or, commonly it’s reduced to a consumer experience—materialistic self-interest, physical gratification, entertainment, techniques. This causes shallow, stunted human bonding, untold stories of abuse, damage, abandonment, and fragmented families.
When I was 20 and a sophomore in college, I received a hot investment tip from a stockbroker. Without getting my dad’s advice, I invested $500 in 400 shares. It couldn’t go lower than $1.25 per share … or so I thought.
Sometime later my dad found out and suggested that I use the stock to wallpaper my room! It would serve as a reminder to invest in stocks that are proven and to get my investment advice from a trustworthy authority.
The Scriptures are the best, most proven, and most authoritative “Investment Tip Sheet” you’ll ever read. Like having a copy of the Wall Street Journal today that will be published 40 years from now, the Bible tells you how to invest in your wife’s life today if you want to experience a fabulous return in 40 years. And by the way, as her stock goes up, you will share in the profits!
Your wife needs your creative energies if she is to become all that God created her to be. To help you in this area, here are some of the best tips I know for giving both of you a rich return on your investment.
Investment Tip #1: Treat her as a fully participating partner.
Today the business world has all kinds of partnerships: silent partners, financial partners, equal partners, controlling partners, minority partners, and more. But in marriage, God intended for us to have only one kind: a fully participating partnership.
The apostle Peter sets forth the concept of mutual partnership as he instructs a man to treat his wife as “a fellow heir of the grace of life.” Although her function and role as a woman differs from yours as a man, she has an equal inheritance as a child of God.
When you recognize your wife as a fully participating partner in your life and marriage, you build her esteem. If you exclude her from your life, you devalue her worth as a person and her identity suffers. Without realizing it, you send your wife an unmistakably clear signal that says, “I don’t need you. I can live my life without you.”
Some husbands believe that the most difficult words to say are: “I love you” or “Will you forgive me?” But the three-word admission that seems the most threatening of all is, “I need you.”
A man may fear he will lose his wife’s respect if he admits his need, but I’ve experienced quite the opposite. When I express my absolute need for Barbara, she is so built up and encouraged that she is free to respect me even more. I do not lose my identity as a man by expressing my dependence on her.
You will make your wife a participating partner in your life when you tenderly look her in the eyes and say, “I need you.” Why not make this an experiential reality in your marriage by frequently saying:
“I need you to listen as I talk about what’s troubling me. And I need your perspective on my problems and your belief in me as a person.”
“I need you to help me become the man God created me to be.”
“I want you to have total access into my life. I need you to keep me honest in areas of my life in which I could stray from Christ. You may question me or confront me on any issue.”
“You are the person I most trust with my life.”
“I need you for your advice, judgments, and wise counsel on decisions I face, especially at work.”
“I need your prayers for a temptation I am facing.”
I want to encourage you to let your wife into the interior of your life. Are you keeping her out of some area of your life? Do you tend to act independently of her in any area, including career or business? She may be more interested than you think. What about financial matters? She most likely will offer a perspective that you need to hear. A difficult office relationship? Her advice might solve the problem.
Investment Tip #2: Protect her.
The apostle Peter also exhorts husbands, “You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman.” Peter’s emphasis here is on “understanding” because she is a “weaker vessel.” Your wife wants a man who understands her and her needs.
Your wife needs to feel safe, secure, and protected. As her husband, it’s up to you to provide that security. I was reminded of a woman’s need for protection years ago when I attended a conference. During the event, a young woman was raped in her room. Later, when the speaker told the attendees what had happened, I noticed an interesting phenomenon. Instinctively, and in unison, as though led by an orchestra conductor, nearly every husband in the audience tenderly slid his arm around his wife. Likewise, almost every wife slipped closer into his protective embrace. It was a physical gesture of a woman’s need for safekeeping and a man’s natural desire to protect his wife.
Certainly, you already protect your wife physically. You wouldn’t think of having it any other way. You discourage her going out at night if it is dangerous. You protect her by encouraging her to lock the car when she goes shopping. You talk about what to do if a stranger forces his way into the house. And you provide the kind of security she needs at home for the times you are away. All these statements and actions demonstrate that she indeed is valued and that you care about what happens to her.
But are you protecting her from other muggers in her life, such as:
Overscheduling, letting her life get out of balance, and becoming too driven?
Others’ manipulation of her emotions and time?
Her own unrealistic goals or expectations, which set her up for failure?
Her tendency to compare herself with others—where she repeatedly comes up short in her own eyes?
Burnout at work? At home?
The children, who would take advantage of her weaknesses that they know so well?
People who repeatedly discourage her?
Obviously, you can’t protect your wife from every pressure, worry, fear, or loss. But you can do your best to anticipate many of these problems before they occur and to establish a solid security system for her protection.
Investment Tip #3: Honor her.
When God established marriage, He knew that one of the greatest components for building worth into another person would be honor. We see this in His command to each husband: “Grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life.” Webster defines honor as “high regard or great respect given; especially glory, fame; distinction.”
Every marriage is susceptible to leaks, and ours is no exception. The world lures my wife with glittery, false promises of fulfillment and true significance. If I fail to honor her and esteem her as a woman of distinction, then I ignore the reality of her need and the deceptive power of the world’s promises. It’s just a matter of time before she will begin to wear down and look elsewhere for worth.
The following are a few techniques to honor your wife that can give you a competitive edge while also building your wife’s self-esteem:
First, honor your wife by learning the art of putting her on a pedestal. If you focus on honoring her and caring for her needs, and on nurturing her as your most valued relationship, then you can truly make a difference in how she feels about herself. Capture your wife’s heart by treating her with respect, tenderness, and the highest esteem.
Second, honor your wife by recognizing her accomplishments. Frequently I look into Barbara’s eyes and verbally express my wonder at all she does. She wears many hats and is an amazingly hard worker. At other times, I stand back in awe of the woman of character she has become. Her steady walk with God is a constant stream of ministry to me.
Third, honor your wife by speaking to her with respect. Without careful attention, your tongue can become caustic, searing, and accusing. Washington Irving once said, “The tongue is the only tool that gets sharper with use.”
If your wife works outside the home, she has some unique needs for honor. She may need the practical honor of a free evening once or twice a week when you volunteer to do it all: Put the children to bed, clean the kitchen, do the laundry, etc.
Fourth, honor your wife by extending common courtesies. You may think that these little amenities were worthwhile only during courtship, but actually they are a great way to demonstrate respect and distinction over the long haul. Common courtesy is at the heart of servanthood; it says, “My life for yours.” It bows before another to show esteem and dignity.
Investment Tip #4: Develop her gifts and horizons as a woman.
First, help her grow as a Christian. Your wife is your number one disciple. Do you encourage her spiritual growth? It’s the smartest thing you could possibly do. When your wife grows in this area, not only does she triumph at life, but you benefit as well. Help her to grow spiritually by praying regularly for her and with her—at bedtime, in the morning before leaving for work, at mealtimes. It will encourage her.
Interact together over God’s Word and its application to your individual lives, as well as to your family. Encourage your wife to employ her spiritual gifts in service to others outside your home if she has time.
Second, develop her talents. Take part in her life by nurturing the development of her dormant talents. Like fruit seeds that never have been planted in fertile soil and watered, your wife’s gifts may need your care in order to germinate.
If you already have done this, you know that she responds to this personalized focus. She feels that you value her and are helping her to expand her life and utilize her gifts so that she might be even more productive. Perhaps your wife already has influence. Can you supply additional resources so that she can become even more effective?
Third, help her develop new horizons. Most of us fail to anticipate major change points in the lives of our wives, such as the birth of a child, children’s teen years, menopause, and the empty nest. When your children leave home, your wife will suddenly have enormous chunks of time and attention to devote to another worthwhile cause. Are you developing her today so that she will be ready to take some risks later?
Investment Tip #5: Assist in problem solving.
Isn’t it interesting that, for most men, work gobbles up most of our most creative problem-solving energies, our best leadership, and our most noble attitudes? Home usually gets the leftovers. One of my friends has on his office desk a plaque that reads, “Save a little for home.”
Your wife would benefit if you saved a little more for home too. Start by considering this question: What one problem in your wife’s life, if solved, would truly strengthen her? Is there a complete roadblock in the way or just a small boulder? How could you remove it?
Here are some ideas:
Watch your wife carefully. Observing her life may turn up problems that can be isolated and solved quickly.
Get the facts. What exactly is the problem? Whose responsibility is it? What is the cause of the problem?
Discuss your alternatives together. Be sure to find out what your wife really feels is best in the situation. She may be too close to the problem, or she may know what needs to be done and simply need your leadership and backing to take action.
Go to God in prayer. Ask Him for the wisdom and resources to solve the problem. Be careful of procrastination; make a decision under God’s leadership and then help your wife to implement it.
Evaluate the results. Inspect what happens. Refine the decision and its implementation through thorough analysis of how things are working out.
Does your wife have an area or two in which she consistently fails? Time management? Budgeting? Meal planning? Problem solving at work or at home? You can help. By choosing to develop her in these areas, you encourage her growth so she can better handle the pressure. But you have a choice. Either develop her to handle the responsibilities or come alongside her to help accomplish the tasks.
She needs you to help her become all God created her to be.
Some time ago my husband, Dennis, and I went away to do some planning for the year. As empty nesters it seemed odd to leave our now-quiet home to go find a place of quiet. We actually contemplated for a short time not going away, but we both knew from experience that the quiet of our home would be easily interrupted by the telephone, the television, the laundry, the kitchen, and the Christmas decorations that had not been put away. (Without little people in my house who would play with, scatter and break our ornaments and garlands, the urgency to put them in the attic is not there. How nice to not have that pressure.)
We stayed in a bed and breakfast that was nice but not as comfortable as home. Is that a sign of getting old? Hmmmm … But we did find what we needed by getting away—time together without distractions to think and talk. And it was delightful.
I’ve decided this new season of life is better than the others. I would have never believed it possible. How could getting older and not having our kids around be a good thing?
But it is wonderful in its own way, like a finely aged wine, or a beautiful old building full of character and charm and comfort. Our marriage is like that now, and I wouldn’t trade it for the relationship we had in our youth for anything.
I remembered a quotation that weekend that I had not thought about in years. I found it when I was in college and copied it in my then-new Bible. It was a call to my heart that was lonely and wounded and afraid. It put into words the longing of my soul to be loved:
Oh the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. —Dinah Craik
That is where we are in this season of life: experiencing the profound comfort of safety and peace in marriage. It is inexpressibly wonderful.
We are not perfect and we still have disagreements. There are still repairs to be made on this aging building, but the character and beauty designed by the master Architect are beginning to be seen more clearly as the new wears off and the glowing patina emerges.
It takes time for the beauty of grace to emerge in a life and in a relationship. A solid foundation, a heaven-sent design, and a commitment to never quit building have made this a comfortable place to be in this season of life.
When I think of the American family these days, I can’t help but think of a three-legged dog. My sons once invited a neighbor boy over to see our new dog. This boy had been moody and erratic, sometimes crying and screaming at the other children in the neighborhood. His parents were going through a divorce, and it was now clear that, with his father’s impending remarriage to somebody else, they weren’t going to get back together.
He said that his dog had only three legs. “Was it born that way?” asked one of my sons. He replied that it wasn’t but that when the dog was a puppy its mother and father got in a fight, and he was between them. “They tore his leg off,” he said. “I guess you could say it was a divorce. That’s what happens in a divorce. A Mom and a Dad fight, and they tear the kids apart.”
When I heard this, I was shaken out of all of my sociological studies and Bible studies on marriage and “The Family.” This wasn’t a set of competing cultures, or dueling statistics. This hurting child revealed, without ever looking up from our pet, what the family was for him. It wasn’t a set of values, or a haven in a heartless world. The family was a dogfight, and he was a limping, wounded survivor.
This child is not alone. Family life is indeed too often a dogfight, a tearing-apart of people as appetites and interests go to war and as homes splinter apart—sometimes suddenly, sometimes gradually. Walking through the midst of this is difficult. Our family structures, after all, imprint and shape us more than anything else in the realm of nature, as any psychiatrist can attest.
Marriage and parenting and sexuality aren’t just social relationships, but have a much deeper hold on us, hitting right at the core of how we see ourselves and our place in the world. Perhaps this is why the “culture wars” of the past 50 years have centered so closely on the family, from sexuality to marriage to parenting.
All of us, whatever our religious or political affiliations, seem to agree that family life is perilous, and even fallen, although we would disagree on where this fallenness is. For some, the problem is the patriarchy, which is to be smashed, or the “repressive” norms of “bourgeois” sexuality and the nuclear family. For others of us, the sexual revolution and the fracturing of the family represent the problem. We disagree on where the problem is and how to fix it, but we agree that our deepest differences show up in our skirmishes in the family room and the bedroom.
Sometimes Christians can speak of “traditional family values” in a way that can cordon these issues off from questions of the gospel. In some ways, this is strategic. After all, we agree sometimes on “family issues” with many with whom we disagree on gospel matters.
One need not affirm the Nicene Creed to affirm that divorce hurts children, or that promiscuity harms people, or that pornography degrades human sexuality. At the same time, though, as the church we recognize that family matters precisely because it is more than “tradition,” more than “values,” more than a “culture” to war about. Family points us away from itself to the kingdom of God, to the gospel of that kingdom, and, behind all of that, to the triune God himself.
We ought to make alliances with those with whom we disagree, but we ought also to make sure that we shape and form congregations to see the family as more than just natural. And, at the same time, we ought to see that when it comes to the family, we are not the culture warriors we have pretended to be.
Some would chalk up Christian concern about “pro-family” issues to nostalgia, a sort of longing for the way things used to be, when men were men, women were women, and families stayed together and prayed together, in an attempt to recreate a mythical 1950s family of shiny, happy people. To some degree, there’s some truth behind this claim.
One respected evangelical leader once remarked that what he wished to see in American culture is a return to the 1950s, but without the sexism and racism. It is easy to contrast previous generations of family stability with the rates of divorce and of pornography, of the unhinging of sexuality from marriage, of marriage from a definition rooted in sexuality, of sex from procreation and of procreation from sex.
As Christians, with a strong sense of human depravity, we ought to agree—at least on this point—that the gauzy, sentimental view of an idyllic era of “normal” families is “the way we never were.” It’s hard to imagine, after all, the 1950s’ family without the sexism and racism, since one can hardly quantify the damage done to families by slavery of the century before or the police-state terror of Jim Crow. And one can hardly quantify the damage done to families by, for instance, domestic and sexual abuse often kept hidden under cover of darkness.
The “crisis in the American family” isn’t downstream from Woodstock or the Pill, but downstream from the wreckage of Eden. Skirmishes over the family are not the product of blind cultural or historical trends, but instead we must recognize that the family is under assault in every generation, albeit sometimes in craftily veiled ways. And the antidote to our myopic vision of the family, whether myopically nostalgic or myopically apathetic, is not only to focus on the family, but to focus on what’s beyond the family: on the mystery of the kingdom of Christ.
When the goal of Scripture is seen in its proper context—the context it sets for itself—as the unfolding of the mystery of Christ against the opposition of the hostile cosmic powers, we see why the family is so significant and significant for reasons far more important than “saving America” or “preserving Western civilization.” The family is more than a “haven in a heartless world,” but is an embedded pattern of icons of Christ Jesus, his church, and the gospel of his kingdom.
The handoff was complete. My 2-year-old son had taken the glass butter dish from the table and made a beeline for the kitchen counter. I proudly stood by watching him as he disappeared around the corner of the dining room. My little boy was growing up and taking responsibility.
CRASH! The butter dish shattered and pieces scattered across the floor. For a moment I was frozen, not knowing what do. The proverbial fall had come just moments after my pride had gone sky high. From the kitchen came the innocent voice of a toddler exclaiming, “Oh, man!” Maybe he wasn’t quite ready for something so fragile. He was still just a 2-year-old kid.
In the previous months we had been teaching our son to clear the table after dinner. Originally we started by handing him the hot pads to return to the kitchen drawer. He thrived in the new role. I began to give him more and more responsibility, until that fated evening with the shattered butter dish. Even that gave us the opportunity to teach him the difference between accidents and careless actions.
Sometimes, as parents (especially first-time parents), we miss opportunities to have our toddlers participate in family chores. From birth we are their providers. We wash them, feed them, dress them, and change them. We grow so accustomed to doing everything for them that it’s hard to take the next step—teaching them responsibility as a valuable family member.
But as they approach the age of 2, it is time to start teaching a few simple chores to most toddlers (this could differ by a few months depending on the child).
Why teach your toddlers how to do chores?
Chores teach your children at an early age that they are a valuable member of the family.
Children love to copy what their parents are doing. Why not teach them age-appropriate tasks? Dads, this is a place to step up. We can’t let moms do the training alone. We will see things in our kids that moms will never notice. And vice versa.
Your toddlers’ world may only be as big as your house, but they want to make a difference. They want to be important. They want to contribute.
Ephesians 6:1-2 commands children to obey their parents. Did you ever realize that children don’t automatically know how to obey their parents? This is something that must be learned. Teaching your toddler to do a few chores is an excellent opportunity to teach obedience.
Chores teach self-worth.
Chores show toddlers that everyone in the family has a role to play.
What types of chores are appropriate?
1. Clear off the table after meals. Just make sure you don’t hand your children something that is more fragile than they are able to handle (learn from my example).
2. Begin teaching your toddlers to undress themselves and put their clothes in the laundry basket. Toddlers are old enough to start the process of dressing and undressing themselves.
3. Have them throw their own trash away. This one doesn’t usually take too much encouragement. Kids love throwing things in the trash can.
4. Pick up toys. It’s amazing how often I pick up toys instead of having my toddler do it. He spent all day throwing them around the house; he is more than capable of throwing them back in the toy box (playing a cleanup song on YouTube during cleanup worked wonders in our house).
5. Sweeping and vacuuming. Some friends told me that they have their son use the toy vacuum every time they use the real one. This is fun for their son, but also teaches important lessons.
6. Helping with laundry. It’s never too early to start teaching your child the joys of laundry (or that it is a necessary task that must be done). Have them carry clothes to the washing machine, match socks, fold washcloths, and take clean, folded clothes back to their bedroom.
7. Yard work. Yard work is a great way to get them out of the house and put their endless energy to good use. Have them pick up sticks and large nuts from the yard. Teach them to pull weeds from the flower beds.
8. Empty the trash. Your toddler can go around with you learning to empty the trash from all the rooms in your house and what you do with it when you take the bag outside.
Tips for training your toddler
1. Be patient. Proverbs 22:6 teaches parents to train up a child in the way he should go. It is our responsibility to raise our kids to have a proper understanding of responsibility. As the verse says, it takes training. And training takes time.
2. Be attentive. Often we do tasks without realizing that they could provide a good teaching moment for our toddler. Keep your eyes open for opportunities to teach.
3. Be intentional. Getting a task done quickly on your own may not be as important as taking the opportunity to train your toddler in that task.
4. Be practical. Never underestimate what a child is able to do, but some chores are still too difficult for their age. There is no way they are going to tackle dusting the ceiling fan.
5. Be encouraging. Nothing shows children they are valuable like good encouragement in the midst of their task. Criticism will quickly break their hearts.
6. Be fun. Let them know that even with responsibility we can have fun with our work. Sing songs about cleaning up or create your own family games.
7. Be present. You must be willing to participate with them. No giving orders and disappearing.
8. Be servants. Teaching your toddler is not about forcing labor on them; it is about instilling a good work ethic and teaching them to serve others. Your toddler learns from your example.
Teaching your kids to do chores around the house is a lot of work. Often it will mean taking more time than normal to complete a task. It will take continual encouragement by you, the parent, to keep the kids headed in the right direction.
Remember my butter dish? It was not fun to pick up the broken pieces (not to mention replacing it with a new one), but I would do it again in a heartbeat for the sake of teaching my son what it looks like to have responsibilities. Even when the kids don’t do it perfectly, take heart—you are training them for life. You are training them to look at others as more important than themselves. It is worth it.
You know the story: A group of people brought some little children to Jesus so He would lay hands on them. The disciples rebuked the people and wanted to send them away. Perhaps they thought the children were bothering Christ; He had more important things to do. Jesus corrects them saying, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 19:13-15).
Of course, we think to ourselves. How could anyone think Jesus doesn’t want to see the kids? Sounds like a pretty dumb mistake to most people.
But what does it look like to bring our children to Jesus today, now that He is in heaven? How do we apply these verses to our growing families? How do we make sure we are not making the same dumb mistake in our families that the disciples did?
Let me give you three important ways to bring your children to Jesus.
First, we should share our testimony and the story of our day-to-day encounters with God with our children. Jesus may have gone to be with His Father in heaven, but He sent His Spirit back down to live with us. Twice in the New Testament, the Holy Spirit is called the Spirit of Christ. Jesus makes it clear that He and the Holy Spirit are one when He promises to send the Spirit to the disciples. This is what Jesus says after explaining that He is going to the Father to prepare a place for them.
I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Yet a little while and the world will see me no more, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. In that day you will know that I am in my Father, and you in me, and I in you. (John 14:18-20)
Jesus is not describing the second coming here. He is describing how He, through the Holy Spirit, comes to live with each of His children. So you see, Jesus has remained here and lives within the heart of everyone who believes.
It is amazing how many parents keep their interactions with the Spirit of Christ to themselves. How are our children, who do not yet believe, supposed to meet the Savior if you never talk about your relationship and how He helps you? When the Spirit of God convicts you, don’t just confess your sin; let them know that God, by his Spirit, brought conviction. Share the testimony of how Jesus made your once-dead heart alive again.
Second, take your children to church every Sunday. The church is the new temple of God; it is a living temple (2 Corinthians 6:16, 19). God’s people are the living stones (1 Peter 2:5) that make up this new temple, and Jesus is our Cornerstone (Ephesians 2:20). He is the head of the church, and we are the body (Colossians 1:18). Every believer presents a living illustration of God’s saving work. It doesn’t take long in a vibrant church, full of faithful believers, for our children to recognize how different they are to the unsaved community around them. That helps them grow in their desire for Christ and become a part of God’s redeemed community.
Did you ever notice how often our children listen to strangers better than they listen to us? The impact other believers can have on your children to introduce them to Jesus should not be underestimated. When the church reinforces what you’ve been teaching at home, it validates the discipleship of your children and helps protect them from the lies of the world. So don’t just attend the Sunday service, throw yourself and your family into the life of the church.
Finally, teach your children theology. Theology, simply put, is the study of God, and Jesus is at the center of that study. Jesus said, “I am the Way and the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through me” (John 14:6). When we study the truth of God’s Word with our children, we are giving them Jesus, who is the Truth. A careful study of Scripture reveals that the whole story, from Genesis to Revelation, points us to salvation in Jesus. When it comes to theology, some parents make the same mistake the disciples did. They think children are too young to learn theology. Which means their children don’t learn all they need to know about Jesus. Don’t make that mistake.
Don’t be fooled. We teach our children theology every day. When you get angry at the guy who cut you off driving your family to the store, your life is teaching them theology—that God is not in control. When you watch TV programs that go on for hours, never mentioning God, you are teaching them theology—that God isn’t that important. When you live your life day in and day out without prayer, you are teaching them theology—that you can work things out yourself. Proactive theological instruction helps us counteract the poor theology they receive.
So, while we strive to live godly lives, we need to take time to teach our children the truth about God. Who He is, where He came from, who they are, why they sin, and how they can be saved. All that is theology and learning those truths will lead them to Jesus.
Share what God is doing in your life with your children, take them to church, and teach them good theology. Remember, all you have to do is introduce them to Jesus. He is the one who works to transform their sinful hearts.
Pastor Marty Machowski explains to FamilyLife Today® listeners that because theology is the study of God, it is for everyone—including our kids. Pastor Machowski’s book of systematic theology, The Ology, delivers the truths of Scripture in pint-sized lessons parents and children will love and understand.
Denzel Washington starred in a movie a few years ago called The Book of Eli. The film was set in a violent, post-apocalyptic society. Food, water, and electricity were scarce, and moral character was nearly extinct.
The main character, Eli, was on a mission to protect a book that held the secrets to saving mankind. The book eventually fell into the hands of the story’s villain, but Eli was still able to pass on its truths because he had been memorizing it for the last 30 years. What was this book? The Holy Bible.
It’s hard to imagine a world without access to the Bible. A recent study showed that the average American household owns 4.4 Bibles. It is easily the bestselling book of all time.
And maybe that’s part of the problem.
With more access to the Bible than ever before, it seems that fewer and fewer people truly know God’s Word. We may know a few verses or phrases, but we don’t know the story that God intended.
Jon Bloom, writing for DesiringGod.com, says, “We are becoming information scanners, quickly browsing but not digesting very much. We are losing patience for deeper, more reflective reading.”
I’m guilty of this. Sometimes I quickly read a passage with my wife or son without taking time to understand the deeper narrative. But as a young father, it is my responsibility to help my family see and know the God who created the world and us.
I decided to start small by picking just five passages from the Bible that are central to the main narrative. It is my desire to incorporate these truths into the fabric of my family’s values. These five passages tie together the theme of God’s love for mankind and our relationship to Him:
1. Genesis 1:1
“In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.” People often skim over this verse when reading the creation account, but the most important four words of all of Scripture might very well be “In the beginning, God.” I want to make sure my family knows this verse because it proclaims God’s existence, power, and authority over the earth.
This verse does not argue for the existence of God, but simply states that He is. It does not argue for the power of God, but simply states that all was created by Him. It does not argue for the authority of God, but simply states that all in heaven and on earth are His.
2. Genesis 3
I chose this chapter because it clearly shows the first sin by Adam and Eve and how the effects play out through the rest of human history. To get the full picture of the sin of idolatry that crept into the hearts of Adam and Eve, the full chapter is required.
This long passage describes man’s choice of creation over the Creator (Romans 1:23). It shows the immediate brokenness of the relationship between God and man, and the attempt by man to cover his shame and guilt. It also shows the judgment, curse, and consequences that the choice of sin brought upon all the earth. Finally, it portrays the separation that sin creates between man and God when God removed mankind from the Garden of Eden.
It is important to me that my family knows and understands man’s destructive fall to sin and how this affected his relationship with God.
This passage starts with the most famous summary of the gospel in the New Testament: “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son …” But the words that follow are also powerful and can’t be neglected. John clearly says in verse 17 that it was the Father who sent the Son into the world. It was God who provided a way to reconcile the broken relationship with man.
Verse 18 shows that those who do not believe in Jesus Christ as the Son of God are condemned for their sin. This narrative describes Jesus as light and sin as darkness. In a powerful and gracious way, God calls all to the light, but not all will choose the light.
I want my family to see our need for relationship with God and the provision of Jesus Christ that makes a way possible for us to once again walk with God. This passage shows us the reconciliation we so desperately need.
4. Matthew 22:34-40
This list would not be complete without a reference to the standard of living that God expects. Jesus summarizes the law in what He calls the “greatest” commandments. He says that “all the Law and the Prophets” hang on these two commands.
The most important pursuit for my family is to know and remember that we are to love God completely above all else. God, who loves us more than all of His creation, asks us to return that love and devotion back to Him.
The second commandment is to love your neighbor as yourself. After committing our lives to Christ, our second mission must be declaring that same love to other people. Love God and love others, in word and deed.
5. Acts 1:6-11
In this passage Jesus first gives a promise of His return. The disciples ask if this was the time that Jesus would restore the kingdom on earth. His answer must have caught them off guard. It was not for them to know. Only the Father has the authority of the times and the seasons. The passage ends with a promise that Jesus will return one day.
Next, Jesus promises the coming of the Holy Spirit. The disciples would no longer walk with Jesus on the earth, but God would still be with them through the guidance of the Holy Spirit.
Finally, Jesus commissions His disciples to be His witnesses throughout all the earth. The disciples were meant to spread the love of God and news of Jesus to all nations. And the same applies to us today. The gospel was not intended to be kept for ourselves but to be shared with all. Because of this passage, my family now has a mission.
These five passages portray the creation by God, the fall of man, the reconciliation through Jesus Christ, our mission on earth, and the hope that Jesus will return. I want my family to build our values upon these truths.
Incorporating scriptural truth into family situations is not difficult. For example, I set a goal to spend one week on each passage with my family. Through the course of each week we spent time talking about the passage, reflecting on its truth, and memorizing at age-appropriate levels. A great time to do this is at the dinner table.
Another great way to reinforce the truth of your family’s most important passages is by reading the Bible together. Our family finishes most every day by reading the Scriptures just before bed. The Big Picture Story Bible and The Jesus Storybook Bible are great books to read with young children. They carry the major themes of Scripture throughout the narrative. It is easy then to talk about how our family’s five important passages play into each story of the Bible. We started reading The Big Picture Storybook with Isaac around his first birthday.
There is also a great option if your family enjoys watching videos. Phil Vischer, the creator of VeggieTales, created another series called “What’s in the Bible?” These videos walk through the entire narrative of the Bible, from Genesis to Revelation. You can then weave your family’s key passages into the stories as you watch. Our job as parents is to help our kids see the bigger picture of Scripture. This is a fun and creative way to teach the Bible in your home.
It is important to know the purpose of Scripture, and to know the story that God has communicated with us. My prayer is that we never become so calloused by the accessibility of the Bible that we miss the depth of it, even if we never end up in a world like that depicted in The Book of Eli.
What five passages would you choose for your family?
Money is power. At least that’s the theory in most of the world. Not so in Washington, D.C. Inside the Beltway it’s not what you know but who you know. It’s not how much money you have but how much power you yield.
Janet Parshall knows everyone. In talk radio, she is a power broker. More than likely you’ve heard Janet’s voice over the airwaves as she hosts her nationally syndicated radio program Janet Parshall’s America. Or you may have seen her face on Fox News, CNN, Hardball, Larry King Live or even in People magazine. Janet is an articulate spokesperson and an advocate for principles and policies that strengthen the family, and she’s the smartest woman I know.
Babies and legal briefs
Janet and Craig married at the end of their junior year in college. As they approached graduation, Craig considered attending seminary. Both had a passion to serve Christ but were unsure of where that would lead them. However, several people counseled Craig to consider law school, because at the time there were no Christian civil rights groups fighting for religious rights.
The next few years Craig attended law school while Janet stayed at home raising their four children. This was not what Janet had expected. “I had been working on my master’s degree in music for vocal performance. I was an opera singer, and thought I’d have this big career singing as a mezzo soprano in the opera while Craig was at law school.”
Years later, Janet would reflect on this significant time in her life. “Women do lead lives different than men. We lead lives in seasons, and something is rich and precious and enduring in each one. In each season, God would inevitably teach me something that would be used in the following season.”
Stepping into the culture wars
“As the kids grew up, we sent them to the local school a block away, the same school I had attended and taught in. The oldest came home one day and said, ‘Mom we had an interesting day at school. They made us sit in a magic circle and they passed around a red scarf. When the scarf got to us, we had to answer three questions: Do you bite your nails, do you wet the bed, and if your parents divorced, who would you want to live with?’
“I honestly thought that the floor was going to open up and swallow me because every bit of training, teaching, praying, and nurturing that Craig and I have done for our children was now in the crosshairs of a cultural war that I didn’t even know existed,” Janet said. She was the PTA president. She thought that surely this was a misunderstanding and asked to check the curriculum. “What Craig and I discovered was that our elementary school had been chosen as an experimental site by the Department of Education for ‘in class guidance counseling.’ They wanted to use those invasive procedures to identify at-risk kids. In the process, of course, they trampled on the rights and privacy of families that were healthy and didn’t need intervention.”
This was Janet’s introduction into the world of family advocacy as she and Craig began talking about their concerns with other parents. They were invited to speak at home church gatherings, at the local library, and all over the community.
The local Christian radio station invited Janet to speak on air about these issues. At the end of that interview, the station manager offered to let her host her own radio talk show. After determining that the show would not interfere with her family schedule, and with Craig’s encouragement, Janet began her career in radio broadcasting.
Two years later, Janet moved her program to a larger radio station in Milwaukee. God used these opportunities to teach her to listen and to drive her to His Word as she searched Scriptures for the answers to her callers’ questions.
Another consequence of Janet’s experience with local school issues was her involvement with Concerned Women of America. Aware of the cultural battles around her, she volunteered at both the local and state levels before being asked to join the national board of CWA by Beverly LaHaye, the president of the organization. Janet helped represent Mrs. LaHaye and CWA to the major media, gaining national exposure in the process.
Out of this, Janet received a phone call she never expected. She was invited to move to Washington, D.C., with the prospect of becoming the future president of Concerned Women of America. “I asked Craig, ‘What do we do?’ And he said, ‘Janet, when God calls a couple, He calls them together. Let’s wait and see what God does.’”
Exactly one week later, Craig received a call from John Whitehead of the Rutherford Institute, asking him to manage the East Coast office. Craig looked at Janet and said, “God doesn’t have to shout; we heard Him loud and clear.”
National prominence
All of these experiences worked together to bring Janet to the place she is today: host of her own nationally syndicated daily talk show. Her intellect and verbal acumen have made her a popular commentator in the national media on issues concerning public policy.
I asked how she dealt with that huge public persona. I wondered how she managed that in relation to her husband and the head/helper roles in marriage. Janet laughed, saying, “Craig and I have discussed this again and again. He understands that this is part of the work I was called to do. What Craig sees that others don’t is my sweaty palms and knocking knees before I walk in the room. He knows that before we left home I had to throw the sheets in the dryer and write a check for the dry cleaners. Craig understands that part of my ministry is to be a role model. The ‘people want to talk to you thing’ is part of that, it’s the Titus 2 thing.”
Janet also pointed out that, by God’s providence, her work has always connected with Craig’s. He is a well-known Christian civil liberties attorney and the senior vice president and general counsel of the National Religious Broadcasters Association. Craig has authored numerous legal-suspense novels, is a magazine columnist, and speaks nationally on legal and worldview issues.
The parable of the trees and Peter Pan
Janet likens her relationship with Craig to two trees growing in their yard. “We have a tree with a sapling that is completely wrapped around the tree. It’s like someone artistically designed it. That is my picture of my relationship with Craig. I really can’t tell you where one tree stops and the other tree begins.”
It’s the same in their marriage. “Every time the path has made another turn, it has absolutely been in harmony and parallel to what God is calling Craig to do. It’s been an easy progress for me because my little branch is wrapping around the base of his life, and whichever way his tree is swaying, I just naturally sway in the wind at the same time so it’s not an overarching, constant struggle.”
Janet gives Craig much of the credit for her personal accomplishments. “I often refer to Craig as my Peter Pan. He would sprinkle fairy dust and say ‘fly.’ When I was afraid to even step on the window ledge like Wendy, Craig would say, ‘You can do this.’ … Craig would embolden me.”
Being Janet Parshall
I asked Janet how she balanced being the boss of the workplace with being in the role of helper at home. “It’s an interesting dualism in my life. I am the one calling the shots because that’s the definer of what I do in the workplace, but it’s definitely not the definer of what I do when I come home. I’m in a supervisory position at work, but that is something I have to shed on the commute home. I can’t think of a faster prescription for chaos in our marriage.”
Janet believes God prepared her slowly, incrementally for this dual role. Her broadcasting career has never been her first priority. “My primary identity is not as a broadcaster but as the wife of Craig and the mother to our children. Feminists say, ‘You can have it all.’ But they practice the sin of omission. You should say, ‘You can have it all—but you can’t have it all at the same time.’ We women have to make choices, but we don’t get a second chance. If you miss the first step or that first word or that birthday party, you don’t get a redo.”
Clearly, Janet admires and respects her husband, but she was concerned that readers weren’t left thinking she has a perfect marriage. “I’d like to say that marriage, on its face, is an absolutely ludicrous idea. To put two sinners together under one roof and say, ‘Now live happily ever after’… it shouldn’t work. If you take our rebellious nature, if you take our sinful nature, we should be clawing at each other constantly. The fact that marriage works at all is because we have to be in relationship with one another as God defined.”
It starts with loving the Lord. “If you don’t honor and love Him, then you won’t be able, in your own flesh, to love and submit to your husband in the way God calls us to.”
Many problems in marriage can be whittled down to a single factor: pride. There have been times when Craig and Janet did not agree, and Craig would let Janet do it her way, “There would be utter dissatisfaction in my mouth. I got my way, but I didn’t have my husband’s support, and it probably wasn’t the right choice in those set of circumstances. In the end, all I had was my pride, and pride is very unsatisfying because it is like an addiction. All pride wants is to be fed and it is never satisfied. …
“You have to learn that even if you fall down, even if you have a day where your marriage just stunk, it is wonderful to know we serve a God of second chances and fresh starts. We wake up with a clean slate no matter how much we’ve blown it the day before. I don’t know a husband out there who doesn’t want his wife to love him unconditionally, and I don’t know a wife out there who doesn’t want her husband to love her like Christ loved the church. It just doesn’t get any better than that.”
In his book What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew about Men, Patrick Morley says:
If I could make only one observation about men today, it would be that men are tired—mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually tired. Weary of life. When I make this observation at our men’s seminars it evokes as much response as anything else I say. Many heads nod in agreement while others droop to their chests.
Mr. Morley has spoken to hundreds of men, and this is the issue that seems to hit home the hardest—their need for encouragement. It can be so easy for women to forget their husbands need this; we assume they are getting plenty of encouragement at the office. But “at the office” encouragement just isn’t the same as “in the home” encouragement. And the best “in the home” encouragement that exists is the encouragement that comes from a loving spouse.
I remember my (Connie) husband coming home from work one day. I sensed his day had been difficult when he came through the door, though he didn’t say a word. Perhaps it was the slump of his shoulders or the sigh that escaped his lips. My warrior was weary.
When warriors are weary, they need to be encouraged. I don’t remember what I said or did, but I do remember that later that night my husband thanked me for encouraging him. This was a big deal to me because in prior years I might have rolled my eyes and asked him why he was so tired. It’s so much better to put the wind in your husband’s sails than put in a rip that deflates the sails completely
A friend told us recently that her husband had gone to work at a car dealership. After the first few weeks on the job, his manager approached him and handed him a hundred-dollar bill. “I’ve noticed what a great job you’re doing,” he said. “Keep up the good work.”
The woman said it was as if someone had given him a prized possession—he was so excited. Certainly he didn’t mind the extra money, but even more it was clear that what meant so much to him were the encouraging words.
An encourager is one who gives strength, one who gives courage. You may find that your husband’s heart softens towards you as you encourage him. It is one of a man’s deepest needs.
Do you need to become more of an encourager to your husband? Do a quick check to see how you’re doing in this area:
How often do you say, “You can do it! I believe in you! You’re the best!”?
How often do you notice his effort to make the yard look nice or to keep the cars running smoothly?
When was the last time you said, “You handled that situation so well”?
Do you acknowledge when he’s going through a difficult time and let him know you’re there for him?
Is your home a place your husband enjoys returning to every night?
Are you a chronic complainer?
Do you look for opportunities to compliment him on his wisdom?
As one man told us, “When my wife encourages me, I feel like there’s nothing I can’t do! There’s no mountain I can’t climb or problem I can’t solve. I’m the man! I’m her man! Nothing reenergizes a man like a little encouragement from his wife.”
For more inspiration, check out For Women Only and discover what every woman needs to know about men.
Romance is an interesting word. It conjures up all kinds of thoughts for both men and women: candlelight, soft music, longing looks. Some might even think of a walk in the park or a bike ride together.
But no matter how you see it, romance is really the act of wooing one another; it’s a longing to be with someone and acting in such a way that makes that person desire to be with you.
For many couples, romance is easy before marriage—there were no kids to distract them, no pressures of finances to fight over, no annoying habits to live with. After marriage, these things start to eat away at your longing to be with your spouse. Desire is a key part of romance, so the act of wooing doesn’t work very well if there is none. Perhaps you’ve grown distant in your relationship and you spend more time with friends and the children than you do with each other.
These 10 ideas will help bring back the desire you enjoyed as a couple early on in your relationship. But they have nothing to do with mood lighting or lingerie. These suggestions will give you back the romance you’ve lost by making your character more attracted (and attractive) to your spouse.
1. Communicate.
As simple as it seems, you need to talk to each other. You may be thinking, But I talk to my spouse all the time. I’m not talking about discussing family business. When I say “talk” I mean dream together, share your thoughts, expose your feelings instead of keeping them to yourself. It’s important to turn off the television or put down that magazine and look into each other’s eyes while you converse. Really listen and understand. If your spouse is distracted, then ask him or her to carve out 10-15 minutes just to catch up.
If you do this regularly, you will start to see your spouse with depth and color. You’ll begin to appreciate his or her ambitions and desires. You may think you couldn’t possibly learn anything new about your spouse, but husbands and wives are humans who change and grow. What are the ways your spouse has grown lately? What new things has he or she learned? Why not find out? It will be the best 10-15 minutes of your day.
2. Keep short accounts and extend forgiveness regularly.
Nothing will ruin a desire to be with your spouse faster than resentment and bitterness. In return, it also ruins your spouse’s desire to be with you. Fights are going to happen in marriage; there’s no way around it. But you can choose to handle these conflicts in the right way and build up your marriage instead of tearing it down.
In Ephesians 4:31-32, the apostle Paul exhorts, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”
We have the power to forgive because Christ forgave us, and He gives us strength through the Holy Spirit. As you let go of harbored hurts, you will be free to love your spouse, no matter how many mistakes he or she has made. And as a result your mate will love you even more.
3. Live selflessly.
As followers of Christ, we are called to be servants (Galatians 5:13). This not only applies to the church body and our neighbors, but it also applies in marriage. Since we live so closely to our husbands and wives, it’s easy to forget that we are called to serve them as much as anyone else. As a matter of fact, your spouse may be the most important person in your life (other than Christ) to serve.
As you put your husband’s or wife’s needs above your own, you will find that you argue less, feel sorry for yourself less; your children will be more secure and happy; and you will find greater fulfillment as you watch your spouse enjoy the fruits of your kindness. Jesus said if you want to be great, you must be the servant of all (Mark 10:43).
4. Use words of affirmation regularly
The tongue is a powerful tool. James 3:6 tells us that the tongue has the ability to defile the whole body and set on fire the course of a man’s life. In the same way, a critical attitude can make or break a marriage.
Instead of pointing out all of the ways your spouse regularly disappoints you, start to look for the positive attributes. Take the opportunity to express your heartfelt appreciation. By giving a little praise, more of your mate’s good qualities will stand out, and in addition, you will find your spouse’s heart growing larger toward you as he or she feels more appreciated and adored.
5. Never stop saying, “I love you.”
A woman at one of FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember® marriage getaways was ecstatic because her husband told her, “I love you.” This couple had been married more than 25 years, and the last time that phrase left his lips was on their wedding day. “I told her once,” her husband said. “I figured that was enough.”
The words “I love you” never grow old—your wife or husband needs to hear them regularly, especially when you’ve had a fight or he or she has disappointed you in some way.
Marriage isn’t just a business deal. You have the opportunity to be best friends if you’re willing to invest in the relationship. Do you remember all the fun things you did together when you were dating? Stop reminiscing about those memories from the past and create some new ones.
Proverbs 17:22 says, “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.” Play games with other couples and be on the same team. Watch a comedy together, and then go have ice cream after the show. Turn off the TV and tell your favorite jokes. If you’re ready for a change in your marriage, make room for a little laughter in your schedule.
7. Tame your thoughts.
I’ve heard it said that the most sexual organ in the body is the mind. If your mind isn’t in the mood for love, then nothing will be. Women especially have a difficult time enjoying sexual intercourse if they are emotionally unprepared. Even men will find it hard to enjoy if they feel emotionally detached from their spouses.
The cure is to control your thought processes. Women, while you are intimate with your husband, think of him, not your laundry or the things you have to do the next day. Men, don’t think of sex as a purely physical event. Talk to your wife; think of her and not the models you saw in television commercials earlier. As a Christian, the Holy Spirit gives you the ability to control your thoughts, so choose to have thoughts that uplift and focus on your spouse.
8. Pray together.
Spiritual intimacy is more important than physical intimacy. Many couples have regular sexual activity, but are not intimate—they miss out on the soul, the person your spouse is underneath the flesh. Christ is the bond that makes marriages strong and sturdy.
By praying together, you begin to have a deeper respect and admiration for each other spiritually. When the spiritual part of a relationship is sturdy and strong, that lays the foundation for a healthy physical intimacy. For more information on this topic, order Two Hearts Praying as One by Dennis and Barbara Rainey.
9. Check your expectations.
If you find that your spouse is continually disappointing you, it may not be his or her actions; it may be your expectations. Everyone comes into marriage with a set of unspoken rules about life. “Husbands should always …” and “Wives should always … .” These rules are based on conclusions we’ve made watching our own parents and other couples that we admire.
There is nothing wrong with goals and objectives, but it isn’t fair to create unspoken expectations for your spouse and then get annoyed when they aren’t followed. If you will stop assuming and start communicating, you’ll become less irritated and a lot more in love with your mate.
10. Never say the word “divorce.”
Marriage is a covenant that is made to last until death. That may be hard to believe in a culture where divorce is commonplace, but the Word of God is very serious about the promise of vows between man and wife (Matthew 19:3-9).
I’ve heard many couples use the word divorce as a way to threaten and control his or her spouse, such as, “If you don’t stop … I’ll divorce you.” But what this person may not understand is that a threat only plants seeds of fear and mistrust in your marriage. If you choose to handle conflict in this way, your spouse can become afraid that you’re going to leave and find it difficult to trust you. These feelings then lead to bitterness and isolation.
Instead, tell your spouse that you will never leave. Assure him or her that you meant the vows that you took on your wedding day. Although there may need to be changes in your marriage and even marriage counseling, let your husband or wife know that you are willing to work things out because you made a promise to your spouse and to God to stay in the marriage as long as you both shall live.
If you will practice these 10 ideas regularly, I guarantee a more romantic marriage. Romance is more about wooing than getting what you want, and a loved spouse will love you back. Don’t wait until it’s too late to begin practicing these principles. Start today.
When future historians write the history of the Christian church in the 20th century, one couple they cannot ignore is Bill and Vonette Bright. God used this remarkable couple to found and lead a worldwide evangelism and discipleship movement that has, thus far, exposed more than one billion people to the gospel.
Today the influence of Campus Crusade for Christ can be seen in most countries of the world. From its beginning at the campus of UCLA, Campus Crusade has mushroomed into dozens of ministries reaching into different facets of American society. It has spread to more than 180 countries. More than 20,000 people serve as full-time or associate staff members. It is no exaggeration to say that billions of people have been exposed to the gospel through Campus Crusade since 1951.
Before his death in 2003, Bill spoke many times of the vision that God gave him to begin Campus Crusade. Many people, however, do not know the story of what happened just before Bill received that vision. It’s the story of a young married couple facing an early crisis in their relationship… and a decision that changed the course of their lives.
Moving into Bill’s world
Bill and Vonette faced some difficult adjustments after they married on December 30, 1948. At one point during their engagement he told her, “I’m so busy that I don’t know if I really have time for a wife.” Now she began to understand his comment. He was running his business, attending seminary, and volunteering countless hours at the church.
“The fact of the matter was that I was very selfish,” Bill recalled. “We seldom had an evening home. I just kind of worked her into my schedule and I wasn’t very sensitive about her thoughts. I find that a lot of businessmen and other laymen are guilty of the same. We take our wives for granted. So, she had to fit into my plans. It never occurred to me to fit into hers.”
On their honeymoon Bill had told her he wanted their marriage to be a true partnership. “I married you as Vonette Zachary,” he said. “You’re just adding Bright to your name. I want you to remain the person that I married. I don’t want you to try to fit what you think I want you to be, because I like you the way you are.”
But now it seemed to Vonette that she was somewhat of an unequal partner. Bill was more mature in his faith, and their conversations about decisions seemed one-sided.
Vonette’s frustrations smoldered for over a year…until one Sunday afternoon after church.
Absolute surrender
It began when Vonette couldn’t find her husband after Sunday school. Bill had been asked to help in an emergency counseling situation, but had neglected to tell Vonette what he was doing.
She decided to go on to the church service by herself. After that she walked out to their car, expecting to find him there. When Bill finally did show up two hours later, he found a frustrated and angry wife.
That conflict was settled fairly quickly, but it proved to be the catalyst for something much more significant. Later that afternoon Bill sensed God telling him, “I want you to make total, absolute surrender to My control.”
Bill and Vonette each took a sheet of paper and wrote a list of all the things they wanted out of life. Looking at their lists, they could see how materialistic their desires were. They had dreamed of owning beautiful cars, and a home in the upscale Bel-Air district of Los Angeles. Now they were convicted by Scriptures such as Mark 8:36: “For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and forfeit his soul?”
‘The anchor of our marriage’
They decided to draft and sign a contract, turning their lives and their marriage over completely to the Lord Jesus Christ. It went something like this:
From this day, Lord, we surrender and relinquish all of our past, present, and future rights and material possessions to you. As an act of the will, by faith, we choose to become Your bondslaves and do whatever You want us to do, go wherever You want us to go, say whatever You want us to say, no matter what it costs, for the rest of our lives. With Your help, we will never again seek the praise or applause of men or the material wealth of the world.
Bill called that contract “the anchor of our marriage. It’s the greatest decision that we have ever made. It was a total, absolute, irrevocable commitment to the Lordship of Christ.”
It also prepared their hearts for something truly supernatural.
‘Lifted onto a spiritual plane…’
A few nights later, Bill was up late, studying for a Greek exam at Fuller Theological Seminary. Suddenly, Bill said, “God in a supernatural way seemed to open up my mind, to give me a vision which embraced the whole world. It was so intoxicating that I almost burst with joy. I wanted to shout the praises of God at the top of my voice.”
“I have at least a little appreciation for the experience of the apostle Paul who spoke of being lifted onto a spiritual plane which could not be described by mere human words…. God showed me the whole world and gave me the confidence that He would use me and others in this generation to reach the multitudes of the world for whom Christ died.”
In those few seconds, their lives changed forever. The next morning he told one of his seminary professors, Dr. Wilbur Smith, about the vision, and was amazed to see Smith pace back and forth excitedly. “This is of God, this is of God,” he said. A day later he handed Bill a piece of paper and said, “God gave me the name for your vision.” On the paper was written “CCC” and the name, “Campus Crusade for Christ.”
‘Give me a heart to respond’
Vonette did not initially react with quite the same enthusiasm. When Bill told her about his vision, he also said he had decided to drop out of seminary because he felt he could relate to students better as a lay person rather than as an ordained pastor. He also said he was going to sell his business and they would trust God to provide for their material needs.
Suddenly her world was turning upside down. Sell the business? Live by faith? “I began to realize that this was serious business with my husband,” Vonette said. “I was married to this man and I was totally committed to him and so I found myself on my knees praying, ‘God, give me a heart to respond to that which You have called him to do.'”
“Bill’s loving assurances and warmth made my struggle easier. I realized I would never be happy outside his dream, and as he described his strategy for evangelism, I sensed an invisible altar waiting for me somewhere ahead. Gradually, the Lord Jesus drew me toward it and answered my prayer for a ‘heart to respond.’ Bill’s dream had become my dream.”
‘The beginning of a happy marriage’
Vonette’s choice made possible an extraordinary partnership. When Campus Crusade began its ministry at UCLA, she began leading a ministry for women students. She helped Bill develop the organization–he usually sought her counsel on major decisions–as it added new staff and began expanding to other campuses and adding new outreaches to high school students, prisoners, executives, athletes, and other groups. Since 1951, Campus Crusade for Christ has grown a worldwide ministry that has reached well over a billion people with the gospel.
During nearly 55 years together, Bill and Vonette came rely on their faith as the spiritual bond for their marriage. As Bill said, “That total surrender to Christ is the beginning of a happy marriage.”
When Bill and Vonette Bright signed that contract with God more than 50 years ago, they had no idea what God had in mind for their lives. During their marriage they have learned to trade the security of the world for the riches of heaven. “I think the question we all have to ask is, what kind of legacy are we going to leave behind?” Bill said. “Do we want to build a vast fortune? What are we going to do with it? We can only eat one meal at a time, wear one suit or dress at a time. You can’t take anything with you when you die.”
“It just makes sense to me that seeking first the kingdom of God is the only way to go.”
As the grandkids and I decorated the Christmas tree, I spotted ornaments that their fathers made long ago. Pictures of two little boys with big smiles, immortalized in frames made with plastic and wood. And now those simple treasures were joined by yet another generation of ornaments, handcrafted by the children of those two boys—visual reminders that life quickly passes by.
Christmas traditions are like the ornaments that hang on our family’s tree. The annual unwrapping of some are precious customs, repeated year after year. Yet new ones are added and some even tossed away.
Is it time to consider doing something different? Perhaps you have made a transition this year—you’re now married, or you moved to a new home, or you’ve become empty nesters. Maybe you’ve become a follower of Christ, and you want to start something different to reflect your new faith.
Here are some ideas that could spark some fresh Christmas traditions in your home:
1. Capture family stories. Ask each family member to jot down a story about something that happened during the year. Young children could either draw a picture of something they want to remember or write just a sentence or two. Read the stories out loud on Christmas Eve or Christmas night. Then put the stories and drawings in a notebook to read on Christmas in the future. Repeat this every year and you will build a priceless library of family stories.
2. The gift of salvation. If you are a new believer in Christ, you may find that your perspective has changed about some of your Christmas traditions. You may keep some, and you may change some. But whatever you do, focus this season on thanking the One who has given you new life. One idea would be to make or order a unique Christmas ornament that can be an annual reminder of when you decided to follow Jesus Christ. Choose one that can be customized with engraved or stamped text. Every year as you hang this ornament, thank God for the gift of salvation.
3. Give each child just three gifts. After Jesus was born, three wise men from the East presented Him with three gifts: gold, frankincense, and myrrh (Matthew 2). Follow their example and give each child three gifts:
Gold (symbolic of wealth and of royalty): a significant gift wrapped in gold paper.
Frankincense (a priestly gift, something spiritual): a gift that will help your child connect with God such as a book of devotions, Bible, Christian CD, etc., wrapped in white.
Myrrh (represents anointing): a personal item such as perfume, earrings, lotion, shoes, etc., wrapped in red.
4. Bless an unwed mom with a gift for her baby. Take the children to a department store. While driving there, remind the kids that Jesus was not wrapped in store-bought attire. Instead, He was swaddled in strips of cloth (Luke 2:7).
Ask the kids to help you select an item or two for a newborn baby. Clothing, disposable diapers, and toys are a few possibilities. Purchase the items and donate them to an organization that assists unwed moms.
5. Remember that your spouse is a gift from God. Whether you’ve been married 10 months or 10 years, make or purchase a special keepsake box and place it at the base of the Christmas tree. Put one of your wedding pictures in it, along with favorite holiday photos of just you and your spouse. Add to the keepsake box year after year. Open it every Christmas Eve and remember that your spouse is a gift from God.
6. Make stars to help the children understand that Jesus is the “light of the world” (John 8:12). Cut small stars out of cardboard and assist the children in decorating them with glitter. Then punch a hole in each star and attach a ribbon. Periodically ask one of the kids to hang a star ornament on a small, table-top Christmas tree. On Christmas Eve ask either an older child or a parent to read a few Scriptures about light or stars.
7. Interact with family members using a the seven names of Jesus Christ: Jesus, Savior, Prince of Peace, Mighty God, Christ the Lord, Emmanuel, and Wonderful Counselor. Here is one possibility: Each family member will select a name to ponder (perhaps by privately looking up Bible passages about that name, spending time in prayer, asking older family members about the particular name, etc.). Then set aside a time for family members to explain the significance of the name they selected and why it’s meaningful to them.
Doing this could provide a wonderful opportunity for parents to tell children about a time they went to Christ with their problems because He is their wonderful Counselor. Or maybe a teenager was stressed about school or a dating situation and found rest in the Prince of peace.
8. Give Jesus “birthday gifts.” As a family, talk about possible gifts for the Savior (patience, love for a difficult person, sacrificial giving, ministry to a needy person, etc.). Then ask family members to write a description of the gift they’d like to give on a slip of paper (without names) and to drop it into a wrapped box that has a slit on top. On Christmas Day open the box as a family to see what “presents” were given to Jesus for His birthday.
9. Choose a new time to celebrate Christmas. If your family dynamics changed during the year, it may be time to discuss when to celebrate the birth of Christ. For example, if you now have married children, you may want to regularly celebrate Christmas on a day other than December 25 (such as the third Sunday of December).
10. Pray for family holiday gatherings. Sadly, for many people family can be a major source of holiday stress. This year, why not spend some regular time in prayer, asking God to help your family celebrate His day in harmony? And pray especially for your own attitude. Recall the words of Philippians 4:6: “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God” (NKJV).
11. Prepare the manger for baby Jesus. Fill a basket with straw and place it near your nativity set. When family members do something special (anonymously) for Jesus—things like being kind, sacrificial, generous, and patient—they can leave a piece of straw in the manger. Another option is for family members to put straw in the manger when they see loved ones modeling the character of Christ during the holidays. Before the Christmas story is read on Christmas morning, Mom or Dad can lay the figure of baby Jesus on top of the straw bed that the family has prepared for Him.
12. Reach out to someone you know who lost a loved one during the year. Christmastime can be especially lonely for someone who has lost a loved one. Ask them if you could help address Christmas cards or notes, do holiday shopping for them, decorate their home for Christmas, or take them to see Christmas lights.
13. Sleep on a hard floor. Help your children understand that Mary, Joseph, and Jesus did not sleep on comfy beds on that first Christmas. Give up your beds on Christmas Eve and sleep on the floor to consider some of what Jesus’ family must have endured. This idea came from a FamilyLife constituent who says that since her family began doing this, “… the children understand a little more the sacrifice that Mary and Joseph made, and at the same time we do enjoy the cozy family time.”
14. Help the kids think of others. Soon after Thanksgiving, give each child an envelope filled with money. Ask them to give it away before Christmas. Help the children look for opportunities to do this by visiting local ministries, considering who might be encouraged by an unexpected Christmas gift, etc. The reader who gave us this idea says, “Our kids really get this … Day by day we are looking for opportunities … It’s neat to talk about at dinner.”
You’ll never drift off to sleep on the wings of this thought: My, today came and went with no problems in the world. This headline will never appear in the paper: “We have only good news to report.
You might be elected as president of Russia. You might discover a way to e-mail pizza and become a billionaire. You might be called out of the stands to pinch-hit when your team is down to its final out of the World Series, hit a home run, and have your face appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated.
Pigs might fly.
A kangaroo might swim.
Men might surrender the remote control.
Women might quit buying purses.
It’s not likely. But it’s possible.
But a problem-free, no hassle, blue-sky existence of smooth sailing?
Don’t hold your breath.
Problems happen. They happen to rich people, sexy people, educated people, and sophisticated people. They happen to retired people, single people, spiritual people, and secular people.
All people have problems.
But not all people see problems the same way. Some people are overcome by problems. Others overcome problems. Some people are left bitter. Others are left better. Some people face their challenges with fear. Others with faith.
Caleb did.
In the wilderness
His story from the Old Testament stands out because his faith did. Forty five years earlier when Moses sent the 12 spies into Canaan, Caleb was among them. He and Joshua believed the land could be taken. But since the other 10 spies disagreed, the children of Israel ended up in the wilderness.
God, however, took note of Caleb’s courage. The man’s convictions were so striking that God paid him a compliment that would make a saint blush. “My servant Caleb has a different spirit and follows me wholeheartedly (Numbers 14:24 NIV). How would you like to have those words on your resume? What type of spirit catches the eye of God? What qualifies as a “different spirit?
Answers begin to emerge during the distribution of the lands west of the Jordan.
“Then the children of Judah came to Joshua in Gilgal (Joshua 14:6). Every Hebrew tribe was represented. All the priests, soldiers, and people gathered near the tabernacle. Eleazar, the priest, had two urns, one containing the tribal names, the other with lists of land parcels. Yet before the people received their inheritance, a promise needed to be fulfilled.
I’m seeing a sturdy man with sinewy muscle. Caleb, gray headed and great hearted, steps forward. He has a spring in his step, a sparkle in his eye, and a promise to collect. “Joshua, remember what Moses told you and me at Kadesh Barnea?
Kadesh Barnea. The name stirred a 45-five-year-old memory in Joshua. It was from this camp that Moses heard two distinct reports.
All 12 men agreed on the value of the land. It flowed with milk and honey. All 12 agreed on the description of the people and the cities. Large and fortified. But only Joshua and Caleb believed the land could be overtaken.
Read carefully the words that Caleb spoke to Joshua at the end of the military campaign (Joshua 14:6-12). See if you can spot what was different about Caleb’s spirit.
Caleb … said to [Joshua]: “You know the word which the LORD said to Moses the man of God concerning you and me in Kadesh Barnea. I was forty years old when Moses the servant of the LORD sent me from Kadesh Barnea to spy out the land, and I brought back word to him as it was in my heart. Nevertheless my brethren who went up with me made the heart of the people melt, but I wholly followed the LORD my God. So Moses swore on that day, saying, ‘Surely the land where your foot has trodden shall be your inheritance and your children’s forever, because you have wholly followed the LORD my God.’ And now, behold the LORD has kept me alive, as He said, these forty-five years, ever since the LORD spoke this word to Moses while Israel wandered in the wilderness; and now, here I am this day, eighty-five years old. As yet I am as strong this day as on the day that Moses sent me; just as my strength was then, so now is my strength for war, both for going out and for coming in. Now therefore, give me this mountain of which the LORD spoke in that day; for you heard in that day how the Anakim were there, and that the cities were great and fortified. It may be that the LORD will be with me; and I shall be able to drive them out as the LORD said.”
What name appears and reappears in Caleb’s words? The Lord. The Lord. The Lord. The Lord. The Lord. The Lord. The Lord. The Lord. The Lord. Nine references to the Lord! Who was on Caleb’s mind? Who was in Caleb’s heart? What caused him to have a different spirit? He centered his mind on the Lord.
What about you? What emphasis would a transcript of your thoughts reveal? The Lord? Or the problem, the problem, the problem, the problem? The economy, the economy? The jerk, the jerk?
Promised Land people do not deny the presence of problems. Canaan is fraught with giants and Jerichos. It does no good to pretend it is not. Servants like Caleb aren’t naïve, but they immerse their minds in God-thoughts.
Good water and battery acid
Imagine two cooking bowls. One contains fresh, clean water. The second contains battery acid. Take an apple and cut it in half. Place one half of the apple in the bowl of clean water. Place the other half in the bowl of battery acid. Leave each in its respective bowl for five minutes, and then pull out the two halves. Which one will you want to eat?
Your mind is the apple. God is good water. Problems are battery acid. If you marinate your mind in your problems, they will eventually corrode and corrupt your thoughts. But thoughts of God will preserve and refresh your attitudes. Caleb was different because he soaked his mind in God.
The psalmist showed us how to do this. He asked, “Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? (Psalm 42:5). He was sad and discouraged. The struggles of life threatened to pull him under and take another victim. But at just the right time, the writer made this decision: “Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him … I will remember You from the land of the Jordan, and from the heights of Hermon, from the Hill Mizar (verses 5-6).
There is a resolve in those words. “I shall yet … I will remember You. The writer made a deliberate decision to treat his downcast soul with thoughts of God. Everywhere I go, I will remember you—from Jordan to Hermon to Mizar.
In your case the verse would read, “From the ICU to the cemetery, to the unemployment line, to the courtroom, I will remember you.
There is nothing easy about this. Troubles pounce on us like rain in a thunderstorm. Finding God amid the billows will demand every bit of discipline you can muster. But the result is worth the strain. Besides, do you really want to meditate on your misery? Will reciting your problems turn you into a better person? No. But changing your mind-set will.
“Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and disturbed (John 14:27, AMP). Instead, immerse your mind in God-thoughts.
When troubles come our way, we can be stressed and upset, or we can trust God. Caleb could have cursed God. He didn’t deserve the wilderness. He had to put his dreams on hold for four decades. Still he didn’t complain or grow sour. When the time came for him to inherit his property, he stepped forward with a God-drenched mind to receive it.
“Set your minds and keep them set on what is above (the higher things) (Col. 3:2 AMP). When giants are in the land, when doubts swarm your mind, turn your thoughts to God. Your best thoughts are God-thoughts.
If you were to come over to my house at Christmastime, you would notice a number of fairly large wrapped gift boxes sitting near the front door of our home. These gloriously decorated boxes have all the color of Christmas. They have all the glitter and shine associated with the most materialistic holiday of the season. They’re all tied up with great big bows.
There’s only one problem. These boxes are empty. If someone were to steal them when we were gone, they would be stealing nothing more than decorations. The packages show all the fanfare of Christmas but have no meaning or value inside.
These packages are like a lot of Christians today. They dress to the nines for church and carry a Bible under their arm. They sometimes quote a verse or two and may even teach Sunday school. Yet if we were to peel away the paper, tape, and bows, we wouldn’t be able to locate the vibrant, abundant life of Jesus Christ within.
And without Jesus, Christianity is just another religion among many. After all, He is the very essence of God who came to take away the sins of the world and reveal the Father to us in the flesh. He is God with us. Immanuel.
The record of Jesus’s birth includes these words (from Matthew 1:21-23):
‘… She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.’ All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: ‘The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel’ (which means ‘God with us’).
The essence of this passage and of the historical event it records isn’t merely the birth of a baby. The essence is that God became a baby. God was in the crib. We read about this in a prophecy found in Isaiah 9:6: “For to us a child is born, to us a son is given.”
In the book of Hebrews we’re privy to a conversation between God the Father and Christ the Son. In it, they talk about Christ coming to earth as a man to do the Father’s will.
When Christ came into the world, he said, “Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but a body you prepared for me; with burnt offering and sin offerings you were not pleased. Then I said, ‘Here I am—it is written about me in the scroll—I have come to do your will, my God'” (10:5-7).
Jesus came not only to do the Father’s will but also to represent God the Father so that we would know what it’s like to have God with us, as the name Immanuel proclaims. In Colossians 1:15, the apostle Paul writes that Jesus is “the image of the invisible God.” Hebrews 1:3 describes Jesus as the “the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of His being,” And the Gospel of John begins, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God … The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us … No one has ever seen God, but the one and only Son, who is Himself God and is in closest relationship with the Father, He has made Him known” (1:1,14,18).
Jesus Christ is Immanuel, God with us. He is the very representation and likeness of God, sent to show us the beauty and majesty of the King. Jesus Christ didn’t make His debut on that first Christmas morning in Bethlehem. He existed before creation, “in the beginning,” In fact, “Through Him all things were made” (John 1:3). Even when we look back to the book of Genesis, we read that God said, “Let us make mankind in Our image” (Genesis 1:26), referencing the presence of Christ.
The “Word” John is writing of when he opens his gospel presentation is none other than Jesus Christ. We know this because verse 14 tells us, “The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us.” Imagine the depth of that reality. The Word, who is God, came down to dwell among us.
Jesus walked among us. He was flesh, bones, sinew, and blood, and yet He was also perfectly divine. At one moment He was hungry because He was fully human, and the next moment He miraculously fed 5000 because He was fully God. He could be thirsty because He was fully human, but He could walk on water because He was fully God.
Because Jesus was fully human, He could grow in knowledge, but because He was fully God, He also knew what people were thinking. One moment Jesus agonized on a cross and died because He was fully human. Three days later, He rose from the grave because He was fully God.
“God was pleased to have all His fullness dwell in Him” (Colossians 1:19). Without Immanuel—Jesus—we would have no chance of fully understanding God. “No one has ever seen God, but the one and only Son, who is Himself God and is in closest relationship with the Father has made Him known” (John1:18).
How does God make Himself known? Through Immanuel, God with us. To understand and know Jesus is to understand and know God.
Philip had been one of Jesus’ disciples for almost three years when he came up with an interesting request. “Show us the Father and that will be enough for us” (John 14:8).
Jesus’ answer puts His purpose in perspective. “Don’t you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father” (verse 9).
Jesus took everything there is to know about God and put it on display. He is the complete revelation of God Himself. That’s why you can’t go around Jesus and get to God. He is the only begotten Son. Buddha, Mohammed, Confucius … no mere prophet, teacher, or king can make that claim. “I am the way and the truth and the life,” Jesus says. “No one comes to the Father except through Me” (John 14:6).
The center of our existence
The most unique person in human history—God in the flesh—deserves the highest place on our priorities. He should be our everything. As the earth revolves around the sun, so should our lives revolve around Christ, the center of our existence. As my favorite song by my favorite group, the Temptations, tells it plainly, we should also be singing to Jesus, “You’re My Everything.”
Knowing Him immediately and personally will radically change your life. Merely knowing about Him won’t do much good. For example, I know about the president. I can tell you his name. I can even tell you his address. I can tell you some information I’ve learned about him from the media. But that hardly qualifies me to say that I know him.
In order to truly know Jesus Christ, you must experience Him personally. Abide with Him. Hang out in His presence and feel His heartbeat. Discover what brings Him pleasure—what He wants to do with, in, and through you.
When you give all of you to all of Him, He is there to return all of Him to all of you. The power that created the universe is the same power that can strengthen you to grow, change, and experience unspeakable satisfaction.
Jesus has a plan for you. He has a purpose. He has a path. If you want to know your purpose, get to know the one who knows it best. The closer you get to Jesus, the closer you are to experiencing and fulfilling your destiny.
Dan is a man’s man. A family man. Venerable. Virtuous. If you met him, you’d like him. But despite an impeccable track record, he almost threw it all away.
He was going through a season in his life when everything was difficult—he felt pressure at the church where he was the pastor, and he felt the unrelenting pressure of being a good husband and father.
It all seemed so innocent. He missed his twentieth high school reunion, and soon afterward received a note from an old girlfriend who had dumped him just before the prom. She said she missed seeing him at the reunion; he was the one person she was hoping to reconnect with after all these years. Dan wrote back and said he would love to reconnect as well, and perhaps they could get together the next time he returned for a visit.
So he set up a lunch meeting for him and his wife, Kathie, to meet with this woman. Notice that Dan included Kathie; he wasn’t a total fool … at least not yet.
When Dan’s old flame walked through the doors of the restaurant, he thought to himself, She is better looking now than she was at 17! Almost involuntarily he said to Kathie, “Wow, would you look at that?” which got him a sharp elbow in the rib cage.
After a cordial lunch, Kathie left the table for a few minutes, and instantly the conversation turned more intimate until she returned. When lunch was over they said their goodbyes and Dan thought, Well, that was that.
After Dan returned home, he received another note from the woman saying she had hoped they could have spent more time together, just the two of them. She had some things she really wanted to talk about, and she wanted some “closure” in their relationship. He wrote back and said he would be speaking at a conference a few hours away that fall (one of our Weekend to Remember® marriage getaways, if you can believe it!).
In her reply, she said that, by “coincidence,” she’d be in the same city that very weekend on business, so maybe they could get together. They set a dinner date.
But this time Dan didn’t tell Kathie about it.
Now, Dan is a geologist by training, a very smart man. And he did what men have been doing for centuries: He rationalized his actions. He even thought he could use the rendezvous to tell his old girlfriend about his faith in Christ!
“You are an idiot!”
But in his gut he knew it was wrong, and for several months he felt increasingly guilty. Every time he opened the Bible, no matter what passage he tried to study, all he could hear was God telling him, “You idiot!” Here he was, a pastor at a growing church, the leader of a beautiful family with a wife and three children, a man who spoke around the country on how to have a good marriage, and he was about to put himself in a situation where he could throw it all away in a single compromise.
The only thing that saved Dan from certain shipwreck was an accountability partner, a man he met for breakfast every week to talk about their lives and to challenge each other to walk in obedience to Christ. Dan called him his “sparring partner.”
To Dan’s credit, at one of their breakfasts, he finally told his friend about what was going on. After listening, his sparring partner courageously stepped into Dan’s life and said, “You are an idiot!”
Then he took out his cell phone and said, “You’re going to call this woman right now and cancel that date.”
Dan did exactly that. He told the woman he was happily married and that it was not appropriate for him to continue any sort of relationship or communication with her. He apologized for his improper attitude toward her and asked for forgiveness.
When Dan hung up, a truckload of pressure fell off of his shoulders. Then that true and faithful friend said the one thing that Dan didn’t want to hear. “Next, you need to tell Kathie all about this. And if you don’t tell her by Friday, I’m going to tell her.”
Dan did tell Kathie the whole story. Kathie’s response was what every man needs from his wife when he admits a weakness or temptation. She said she was disappointed that he didn’t trust her earlier with the story. She admitted that she knew that this woman had deeper intentions than just talking about old times.
Kathie knew that Dan was struggling, but just knowing that his sparring partner was committed to help surface and conquer those struggles gave her security in their marriage relationship. She was proud to be married to someone who was man enough to be accountable to others.
The power of temptation
Dan almost took the bait. That’s what temptation is, you know. It is a “lure” toward sin. Satan is a master angler who knows exactly where your weaknesses are. He is an expert at presenting you with bait that is designed perfectly for you.
Temptation isn’t sin; it’s when we swallow the bait and act on the temptation that it becomes sin. And it can destroy our lives.
You may not think it takes much courage to face your temptations, but it does. Accountability is a proactive step toward never underestimating the power of temptation. Manhood requires us to resolutely “flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart” (2 Timothy 2:22). We have to put the lure of adolescent behavior behind us, face upward, and step up to our responsibilities as men.
Temptation never ceases as we grow older. One friend approached me after listening to me speak on this topic and admitted, “I can’t believe I’m 60 and still struggling with these issues.”
I can.
One foolish choice made in a moment of weakness can wipe out years of integrity.
You and I can become idiots very quickly!
Adapted by permission from Dennis Rainey’s book, Stepping Up: A Call to Courageous Manhood, FamilyLife Publishing, 2011.
When my son started talking, thank you was one of the first phrases we taught him to say. I don’t think that’s unusual. After mama, dada, and a few other baby words, thank you is drilled into most children’s heads early on.
When someone gives them a gift or a compliment, we are quick to prompt, “What do you say?” to which they gurgle “Thank ouuu” or something to that effect, depending on their age. Even though they don’t comprehend the significance of what they are saying, we make them say it anyway—and not simply because we place a high value on good manners. It’s more than that. We understand the importance of expressing sincere gratitude to those who show us a kindness.
As with all words, thank you and other expressions of gratitude are key building blocks of the attitudes you and I walk around with. When we speak thankful words, even if we aren’t necessarily feeling thankful in the moment, their creative power goes to work, fostering a more grateful attitude within us. That, in turn, will usher us into a more full and joyous life.
Harnessing the creative force of your words through directed action is the single best way to cultivate a mindset that positively influences every aspect of your life. You can begin intentionally incorporating words of gratitude into everyday speech by taking some practical action steps based on four truths:
First, begin your day with gratefulness.
Have you ever noticed that your mornings have a major impact on how your afternoon and evening hours unfold? If you get up when you are supposed to and have time to go through your morning routine without being rushed, that positive start generally sets you up for a good day. On the other hand, if you oversleep, don’t have time for breakfast, don’t have any time to spend with God, and rush out the door frazzled, that state of being is going to carry over into everything you do and every interaction you have for the rest of the day.
Given this reality, choosing to take the time to focus on God with gratefulness first thing in the morning goes a long way toward keeping you in a grateful mindset throughout the rest of the day.
To begin orienting yourself toward daily gratefulness, try starting a gratitude journal. Every morning, jot down five things you are grateful for. They may be specific things that happened in your life the day before, or they may be more general notions. On the mornings when you aren’t feeling particularly grateful for anything read back through your journal. Thank God for what He has done, for what He is doing, and for what He is going to do in the future. This simple activity will shift your focus to the good things in your life—to the blessings God is bringing your way.
If the idea of journaling intimidates you, you may want to start with something smaller. Try writing a favorite Scripture or a quotation about gratefulness on a sticky note and putting it on your bathroom mirror. While you brush your teeth or comb your hair, focus on that little piece of paper. You’ll be reminded to pull back from the urgent concerns of the day and spend a few minutes giving attention to what you are grateful for.
When you make choosing gratitude each morning a habit, you will see your level of thankfulness skyrocket. You will suddenly be more aware of the good things in your life, and the new focus will shape the contours of your days for the better. Before long, you’ll find yourself waking up saying, “Good morning, Lord!” rather than “Good Lord, its morning!”
Second, remove all complaints from your life.
People love to complain—they like the attention and sympathy it gets them. Like a dog licking a wound, the complainer feels better in the moment of complaining, but it only makes the actual problem worse. When you fuel the fire of a difficult situation or negative circumstance with words, the more severe the situation or circumstance becomes. Just as gratitude breeds more to be grateful for, complaints breed more to complain about.
To get the complaints out of your life, you have to realize why they are there to begin with. Complaining is a symptom of something deeper—of a life preoccupied with negativity. Complaining is a slippery slope. One complaint leads to another, then to another after that. Before you know it, you’re officially a complainer. That naturally invites other people to complain around you, which does nothing but lead to the creation of a cynical, destructive environment.
The best way to break the cycle of complaining and the problems it causes is to make a drastic change. Don’t just try to cut down on complaining. Instead, make a decision to remove all complaints from your life. When you feel a complaint about to slip from your lips, shift your focus away from your problem to something you are grateful for. Get in the habit of turning your attention toward the good things in your life rather than harping on the bad. Take Paul’s words to heart: “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (Philippians 4:8, NIV).
What if you were to make a decision to stop complaining for just one week? For seven days, choose to intentionally move your focus away from everything that’s wrong in your world and concentrate instead on the good that surrounds you. Focus on God and what he has done for you. Don’t allow a complaint to escape your lips. You’ll be amazed at what will happen in your life during that week simply because you chose to lay negativity aside and shift your attention toward gratefulness.
Third, be quick to say, “Thank you.”
There are two different levels of gratefulness. The first is simple common courtesy. When someone does something nice for you, say thank you. Don’t take kindness for granted. More important, though, is saying thank you to the people who influence your life on a larger scale—those who pour into you and help you walk through the world in step with the best version of yourself. Who is that for you? Who has impacted your life in a significant way? There is tremendous power in thanking them for what they’ve done, even when—especially when—they don’t realize they’ve done anything at all.
During my final year of undergrad, my university started a program to encourage deliberate expressions of gratitude. Students who met certain academic criteria were invited to an end-of-the year banquet. Each qualifying student was encouraged to invite a teacher from his or her high school years who had been particularly influential. When I found out I qualified for the banquet, I knew immediately that I wanted to invite my high school biology teacher, Mr. Sylvester. Even though I had hated biology, I loved Mr. Sylvester. He regularly pushed me to achieve more than I thought I could and taught me important lessons about meeting life head on.
Unfortunately, the timing wasn’t good. Mr. Sylvester’s wife was sick, and he didn’t feel comfortable making the trip. So I sat down and wrote a letter filled with what I would have said to him in person if I’d had the chance. After I dropped the letter in the mail, life got busy, and I didn’t think much about it—or about Mr. Sylvester—for the next several years.
Ten years after my college graduation, I was visiting my hometown and had lunch with an old friend, who happened to be Mr. Sylvester’s son. When I asked how his dad was doing, my friend’s face fell. Apparently things weren’t great in Mr. Sylvester’s life. He had lost his wife years ago, and now his own health was failing. But my friend also said, “I want you to know how much that letter you sent to him meant. He framed it and hung it on the wall in his office.”
My friend went on to say that from time to time his dad would point to my letter and make a comment about how his 40 years of teaching had made a difference. I was blown away that my small gesture had meant so much to him.
Everyone wants to matter. Everyone wants to know they are making a difference. When we fail to say thank you to the people who have had an impact on our lives, we are robbing them of the sense of joy and fulfillment that could so easily be theirs. Never assume others know how you feel; say it. They may hope they have touched your life in some way, but they won’t know for sure until you tell them.
Finally, learn to live every day in a state of present joy.
Have you ever met someone who is always waiting for life’s next milestone before he or she can be happy? I have a close friend who does this all the time. When we were in school, he couldn’t wait to graduate because then he would be happy. After graduation, he couldn’t wait to meet the right woman and get married; then he began focusing on moving up the ladder in his company. He felt like each successive rung would be the one to finally give him a sense of “making it.” Then kids became the missing ingredient that he couldn’t be happy without, so he and his wife decided to start a family. To this day, every time I talk to him, there is some new milestone on the horizon that he thinks will finally make him content.
Being content doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have dreams for the future. But as we plan, set goals, and work toward them, we need to live in the present with a sense of peace and gratitude. Take a look at the attitude Paul models in his letter to the Philippians 4:11-12: “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want” (NIV).
We all have a tendency to overlook the joy in everyday life because we are so focused on the weekend, next month’s vacation, our next relationship, our next promotion, or whatever we think will finally make us content. Life has to be lived in the now. If we don’t learn how to be grateful for the realities of the mundane, we are never going to truly live. We’ll get to the end of life and realize that we’ve simply existed, waiting and wishing our way from one thing to the next.
Develop a habit of focusing on what you are grateful for in the moment. Thank God for His goodness, for your health, for your family and friends, for the ability to work and create income. Thank Him for giving you another day of life and a purpose to fulfill. Thank Him for putting people around you whom you can encourage. Thank Him for giving you the opportunity to get better every day in every way and to continually draw closer to Him.
As you begin working these practices into your day, you will start seeing all you have to be grateful for with fresh eyes. Your heart will begin to shift toward an appreciation for the good in your life, and your words will reflect that shift.
Not only will this growth enhance your own life, but it will also help to spur gratitude in those around you, thereby elevating their lives. Once again, you have the opportunity to be the catalyst to a better life for yourself and the people you love. It all begins with saying thank you.
From the instant we leave our mothers’ wombs, our needs are somehow magically met. If we cry, we get a bottle; if we soil our diapers, someone changes them; even if we have to burp, someone is miraculously there to make sure we get every last drop of air out of our little tummies. These are nature’s guidelines, of course, because newborn babies certainly can’t take care of themselves.
The problem is that as we grow up, we cling to these guidelines. We get used to other people doing things for us, used to wanting someone else to do the dirty work, and (metaphorically) crying when something doesn’t go our way.
Growing up doesn’t just mean getting bigger or getting older. It means coming out of the delusion that we are here just for ourselves, just to have our own needs met. It means realizing we were put on this earth to make a difference. It means stepping further and further away from the misconception that we deserve things and more into the idea that we are here to serve.
As I move through life, I’m always looking for ways I can serve and give back to my community. After all, the primary reason I was drawn to coaching was that it provided me with an opportunity to serve others. I can’t think of a greater job than one that allows me to positively impact young people’s lives on a daily basis, one that makes me truly proud to be a servant.
Heart of a servant
When people step away from the habit of “taking” and enter the space of “giving,” I believe they become not only more fulfilled but healthier spiritually. Giving back is like a statement to the heavenly Father that says, Thank you for what you’ve given me. It’s like a nod of gratitude combined with a battery pack that energizes possibility for someone else.
As a coach, it was always crucial to me that my players understood the value of having the heart of a servant. I needed them to see the merits of self-sacrifice, not just because it would help them become better players, but more so because it would compel them to become great individuals.
During the holiday season, a local church created food baskets for needy families. It may not sound like a major feast, but the labor that went into making these baskets and getting them to the right places was beyond tedious and took a lot of time and energy. Time and energy—these are building blocks of servanthood.
The boys and I helped unload tractor-trailers full of fifty-pound bags of potatoes and cases of canned goods. We carried them to the church basement, where volunteers sorted them. Do you think a bunch of teenage boys wanted to do this type of labor? We all know the answer. Sure, I’d hear the occasional grumble or wisecrack, but I knew at the end of the day, they were glad they had helped out.
These moments injected them with a sense of empathy for the needy families that would benefit from their diligence, and it also gave them quality time to bond as a group off the court, when they could tap into other aspects of life that were just as important, if not more so, than their own basketball-related desires and goals.
Teaching selfless basketball
One of my goals as a coach is to teach selfless basketball, team basketball. I firmly believe it’s about the team and not just an individual player. I remember driving LeBron James home from practice one evening, and I told him if he shared the basketball, teammates would always enjoy playing with him. I never had to have that conversation with him again. He got it. When your best player creates opportunities for other players, it becomes contagious. This selfless style of play has been emphasized with every team I’ve ever coached.
One of my favorite John Wooden expressions is this: “It’s amazing how much can be accomplished when no one cares who gets the credit.” This idea, too, belongs in the discussion of what it means to have a heart of a servant, because when someone is overly concerned with getting the credit or receiving the glory, it’s usually a strong indication that they’re only really there to serve themselves.
Players do this for all kinds of reasons—recognition, popularity, and competitiveness, to name just a few. A lot of seniors will play hard just to get scholarships. But the truth is that if you win a state championship as a team, you’ll ultimately get everything you want as an individual and more. This is why it’s crucial to always put the team first. When you prioritize the team, you are in service; when you prioritize yourself, the only thing you serve is your ego.
Selflessness has become the foundation, the bedrock, of my approach as a basketball coach. And it’s a two-way street. On the one hand, I strive to check my ego at the door of every gym, arena, or rec center I ever step onto, knowing I’m there not for myself but for the benefit of the kids, and on the other hand, I make it a point to make sure they’re also carrying their own air of selflessness, whether doing drills, practicing for a game, or performing on the court. Everyone, from coach to player, needs to operate with the common understanding that we are bound by commitment and fueled by our collective goal.
What’s your favorite Thanksgiving memory? For as long as I can remember, as soon as the crisp air chilled our cheeks, our family collected colored leaves, painted plump pumpkins, and baked apple pies.
These memories and festivities are rich, but I grew more and more tired by the seasonal check-off list. Finally I had to realize that more than a set of busy rituals, traditions are meant to feed togetherness, stability, and create shared memories. Traditions are simply repeated actions that reinforce values. While traditions are important every month of the year, they seem to come alive around the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays.
So what do you do when you want to create meaningful moments with your family that weren’t modeled for you growing up? What if God has changed your heart, and you want to overhaul some old traditions to align them with your faith? Or maybe you’re like me and you can’t give up baking those recipes your mom made every single year but you just don’t have the time.
This year take time to simplify. Make this Thanksgiving memorable in ways that are worth it … and feasible. Here are four tips to easily, practically add charm and truth to your holiday gathering.
1. Invite a friend.
Sharing our tables is one of the most uniquely human things we do. No other creature crafts a meal, sets the plates, and rings the dinner bell until everyone is knocking knees underneath the family table.
We know that there is more to a meal than simply the physical sustenance. To have a place at the table is to occupy sacred space. To share stories. To confess sins. To remember where we’ve been. To dream of where we might go. To laugh together. To cry together. To truly know and be known. To reflect the heart of our relational God and sense His nearness in these moments. Save a seat or two for someone who might need to share in that loving kindness this year.
2. Make food an avenue for fellowship.
Thanksgiving meals are often feasts fit for a king. But unlike royalty, most of us have to do our own cooking. So divide the menu to divvy up the work. This will provide an opportunity for family members and friends to share about their dishes, opening up special opportunities to know someone in deeper ways. Have your daughter-in-law bring her family’s version of mashed potatoes. Ask your neighbor to bring his country’s prized dessert. Dig through your crusted recipe cards to find that old favorite for cornbread.
But don’t be so caught up in which recipe has the right amount of salt or which year it was served best. Remember that the food is only the avenue for the fellowship. Enjoy the lightness of the load when the meal is prepared by many hands, and be ready to hear the memories from those who crafted each unique dish.
Since we so rarely stop to truly connect with those around us, the day that we pile plates to squeeze around the table can be hard. The mixture of great grandmas and teenagers, neighbors and friends from around the world, football games, and mobile devices may leave us feeling at a loss for what to talk about and how to engage.
But don’t miss this sacred moment you have to share truth and meaning with your loved ones. Try using a simple conversation starter to focus on gratitude. Have each person go around the table and name something they are thankful for in various categories: at home, at work or school, in their families. You’re even allowed to try something a little cheesy, like name three things you’re thankful for that start with the first letter of your first name. Honestly, the prompts aren’t significant, but the answers really matter. Not only will these questions put everyone at ease, they’ll invite authentic conversation to spruce up your table.
4. Thank our God.
The Thanksgiving table, above all, is a place to remember the blessings of God. One ancient Hebrew prayer says, “Blessed are you, O Lord God, King of the universe, for you give us food to sustain our lives and make our hearts glad.” We need to recover the importance of gathering with people around our tables for the purpose of enjoying a meal as both a gift and means of grace.
This can be as simple as encouraging each person to share in a prayer of gratitude before the meal begins. While one person leads the family in prayer, allow time to go around the circle and invite each person to offer his or her own thanks to the Giver of all. You might choose to set five cards at each plate to have guests list what they are thankful for. Each guest can choose one to read aloud. Collect the cards to save for next year and continue to share gratitude in Thanksgivings to come.
Traditions are worth it. They are vital to the life and health of your family. But the trials of tradition don’t have to take over the joys of the feast. Be intentional with the values you share with your family and then build a day of traditions focused on truth.
Soon the Thanksgiving meal will be over. The table will be clear. Legs will be propped up on the hearth of the warm fireplace and you’ll be drifting into an afternoon nap—content and thankful that you made your time together meaningful and centered on the One who provides it all.
“My husband wants me to stop bringing up his affair because he has ‘repented.’ What about me? He acts like nothing has happened, but I walk with anger. I cry out to God every day, but the hurt is still fresh.”
When I read these words, written by a woman I’ve never met, my mind and heart are jerked back to the most difficult season of my life. I want to somehow give this woman hope … to reach out and hug her through the written word … to let her know there is a calm for anyone walking through a storm in marriage.
And that calm is Jesus. He will never let us down. I know from experience.
Brad* and I had only been married for 15 months when he told me that he was no longer happy and wanted out of our marriage. I was devastated … but not totally surprised. I suspected that he had been seeing another woman.
Although Brad and I continued living under one roof, our hearts were not united. Our daughter had just turned one, and I wondered if our life as a family was over.
Handling the news
A godly older woman, Lucy, began mentoring me. “Do not seek out what is going on right now,” she said. “God knows. Just try to allow God to give you as much information as He knows you can handle.”
Lucy helped me search the Scriptures and find what God says about divorce. I studied verses like Malachi 2:16: “For I hate divorce says the Lord, the God of Israel.” And Matthew 19:6: “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”
She also helped me understand that instead of trying to change Brad, I needed to allow God to do some changing in me. I began praying, and the Lord showed me that through Christ, I could win Brad over with purity and reverence for God (1 Peter 3:1-6). The best part about it was that I could do this without a word, which was a good thing since Brad and I had pretty much stopped communicating.
Staying in the Word
The Lord also taught me that I needed to renew my mind daily (Romans 12:2) and that I had to make a conscious effort to think about things that were pure, right, true, lovely, and worthy of praise (Philippians 4:8). He reminded me that perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18) and that it would take perfect love to win Brad over.
I stopped praying that Brad would fall back in love with me. Instead, I started praying that he would fall in love with God. And I started praying for myself—that I would have hope. I quoted verses such as “Nothing will be impossible with God” (Luke 1:37).
When Brad left the house every morning, I didn’t know who or what he was walking toward. But I wanted to be sure that he returned to a home with peace, love, joy, happiness, and hope of all good things to come. I resisted daily the temptation to find Brad out. And, as Lucy had advised, I trusted that God would prepare me for learning the truth when I would be strong enough to handle it.
I stayed in the Word and daily asked the Lord to speak comfort and encouragement into my heart. I waited and prayed. I cried and fasted.
On Sunday, Brad left a note for me while I was at church. He said that he was moving out for good. Where was God? I wondered.
Less than 24 hours later, Brad came home broken, weeping, and contrite. He confessed that he had been having an adulterous affair for about a year. He had intended on marrying the woman but said he just couldn’t go through with it.
And then he said he wanted his family back.
A time to forgive
Although it wasn’t easy, God enabled me to forgive Brad the very day he confessed the affair. I knew that Brad needed the Lord’s forgiveness and mine, and I trusted God to put our marriage back together.
I didn’t need time to forgive because God says, “For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you” (Matthew 6:14). But I did need time to allow the Lord to make new what was old and broken.
I can remember thinking, God, is that all? Does Brad just get to come home and that’s it? And I admit to having a conversation that went something like this:
Me: God, it’s not fair.
God: You’re right.
Me: He deserves punishment.
God: Yes, he does.
Me: In the Old Testament you had adulterers put to death.
God: Yes I did.
Me: Brad deserves to die.
God: Yes, he does and I put my only Son on the cross to die in his place. It was good enough for Me and now you need to decide if it is good enough for you.
I think it’s natural to want a spouse to suffer for hurting us so deeply. Maybe that’s why some husbands and wives walk away from an unfaithful spouse; in a small way, it’s making the other person suffer. But the sin has already been taken care of by Jesus Christ.
Over time I learned what a huge amount of courage it took for Brad to turn away from his sin and confess it face to face with me. Had I not waited on God, I would have missed out on the blessing of seeing my husband’s godly sorrow lead him to full repentance.
A new marriage
When Brad confessed his affair, I thought that I’d never stop thinking about it—that I’d remember it over and over again for the rest of my life. But that hasn’t been my experience. It’s as though the affair never happened.
You may wonder if this is too good to be true. Some people have even said to me, “Once a cheater always a cheater.” But the fact is: God changed our marriage!
In the last 12 years, Brad and I have worked through a lot of stuff. It’s not like you just forgive and are instantly healed. Forgiveness and healing are two different things. Like a lot of pastors say, forgiveness is a decision in the beginning. Making that decision allows one to heal and to rebuild trust.
Over the years I’ve watched God reconcile Brad to Himself and turn his heart and affections back to me. I’ve seen Brad grow into this huge spiritual giant of a man. God brought teachers and men who wrapped their lives around him to mentor and teach him.
Today
Brad and I are amazed at what God has done for our family. We now have five beautiful children and are missionaries in Africa. Even though we are thousands of miles from friends and family, we still have the opportunity to share with them how God transformed our marriage.
A couple of years ago we received a call from a dear couple living in the States. He was bawling as he said that his wife had just confessed an affair. I was shocked; to me they had been such a great example of what a marriage should be like.
I asked God to give me the words to encourage him. And when I later talked with her she said, “The only thing I am holding onto is that I see you and Brad and can’t imagine that Brad’s affair ever happened.”
That couple is still married today and doing well. God is using our past hurts to help others.
Would I trade my marriage for having to never walk through the storm of Brad’s affair? You couldn’t pay me enough money to do that!
Now instead of asking, “Why me?” I ask, “Why not me?”
Connectivity has taken on new meanings in our age of digital tools. We need to be hooked up to the web, linked in with colleagues, and interfacing with other computers. We’re uploading and downloading and storing information in a Cloud! It’s a whole new world of connectivity.
Being connected through our technology may make sense, but the human heart will always long for the deeper connection of person-to-person. Everywhere I go I meet parents and grandparents, aunts, uncles, older siblings, teachers, church volunteers, and pastors who want to connect more often and more deeply with their children and grandchildren.
Screens are mesmerizing! It’s hard to pull our eyes off them to register what’s going on around us to make eye contact with the living, breathing people near at hand.
A 7-year-old girl talks about wanting her parents’ attention: “A lot of time when my parents are home and on their computers, I feel like I’m not here, because they pretend like I’m not there … they’re like not even talking to me, they just are ignoring me. I feel like, ughhh, sad (sigh).”
Parents and young people can make adjustments in personal behaviors and family patterns that will promote a higher probability of connecting meaningfully. That deep connection will enable us to pass on our values and Christian worldview, talk openly about God and our faith journey, bring up character concerns, and talk about the value of teachers, wisdom, and authority.
Children of all ages tell me they want and need to connect with their parents. They want to know and feel that parents care about them, their friends, and their activities. Having easygoing and meaningful conversations is an important way to do this. It takes skill and will—ability and strong desire.
Although technology can make connecting challenging, it’s also true that online interactions can strengthen offline conversations. This is especially true if our relationships are already healthy. Connecting with our teens through social media, texting, FaceTime, and email positively affects teens’ view of themselves and our face-to-face interactions.
In today’s digital world we can’t take for granted that our kids will learn actual conversation skills. It’s going to take some intentional parenting to pass along the art of conversation. As you make an effort to improve conversation between you and your young people, here are some good guiding truths.
Interrogations are not the same as conversations. Sometimes teens tell me they can almost feel handcuffs tightening as they sit at the table and questions quickly follow one after another. They describe their parents’ suspicious looks as being like a bright light focused on their eyes. They swear they’re actually sweating as the heat and pace of the questions intensify. With great frustration, they proclaim, “Dr. Kathy, they treat me like I’m a suspect in a crime all the time!!”
Would your teens describe your interaction with them like this—more like the third degree than amicable discussion? Please note that I didn’t ask if you’d describe your conversation this way, but if your teens would. It’s their perception that matters. Interrogations won’t help us connect, and getting grilled is one reason teens avoid interacting with their parents. There may be a time and a place for “not letting them off the hook,” but most of us probably overuse this technique.
How do you get your teen’s attention? Do you usually start with questions? Starting with a question can make your kid’s interrogation radar come up.
Questions are totally appropriate and necessary, but we can ask them so they don’t feel like drive-by- shootings or obligations to check off a list. If we want more in-depth, honest answers, our questions and the way we ask them need to be fresh and genuine. How do our teens decide if that’s the case? When we’re really listening! When we connect and respond to their answers, when we try to feel what they’re feeling, when we try to share in their experiences, when we want to genuinely understand, and when our offers to help them are appropriate.
Our questions can’t be accusations hiding behind question marks. If you have a habit of continually bringing up past failures or offenses, kids may fear interacting with you because of what might be about to come up again. After an offense, teens do need to rebuild trust with their parents, but when something has been forgiven it needs to be relegated to the past and not constantly revisited. Let’s make sure to model healthy forgiveness and reconciliation.
If you’ve never developed a good conversational pattern with your teens, or if it’s degenerated in recent months, this rhythm may not be easy to establish. But don’t give up. Try, try again. Our teens are too important not to!
Consider the time and place. When we were growing up, our dinner table was where my brother, Dave, and I knew we’d get to connect with each other and with our parents. Dave and I answered questions about our day. We knew our parents asked not just to check up on us, but because they cared. We knew because our parents were actively involved in our lives and didn’t need to ask. They wanted to ask. These conversations were a natural part of living as a family.
In their book Growing Up Social, Gary Chapman and Arlene Pellicane write about protecting that family time over a meal: “Don’t use the dinner table to preach or discuss stressful topics. Do that away from the table. At its best, dinner is about sharing stories, solving problems, no pressure, no meanness, no putdowns, no sarcasm—and no tech distractions.”
Talking in the car can work well because teens know we can’t make much or any eye contact with them. This makes it easier to share challenging news. Teens will tell me, “Dr. Kathy, when I know I’m going to disappoint my parents, I don’t want to see the hurt in their eyes. So the car is great. It’s a great place to talk because I can’t run away either, but that’s okay if they’ve listened to me.”
Bedtime is another time and place teens prefer to talk. Even though we want our kids to get enough sleep and there’s work we could do, some nights it pays to linger longer if they’re in a talking mood. Just respond with, “And?” Or even say softly, “Tell me more.”
We don’t have to ask questions to get more information. Sometimes we just need to give them the space to talk without inserting our voice or our thoughts. Questions formed from restatements of relevant information they shared can indicate that we’ve listened, but our teens can quickly perceive when a free conversation they wanted to have turns into a judgmental interrogation we want to have.
Connect to meet deep needs. Through listening and talking, we and our teens can be more secure in each other and in ourselves. We can discuss character qualities and provide information to increase kids’ confidence. Simply pursuing them because we want to connect through conversations increases our teens’ security and confidence. Don’t expect to hear “thank you.” The exact opposite might occur at first. Pursue anyway.
Our identity can become more complete, accurate, and positive as we share. Our teens want to be known and they want to talk about themselves with someone who understands them or who wants to. We must be these significant, influential people. What a privilege!
Conversation will remind us that we belong to each other, and we’ll understand better why we’re connected. We’ll discover our teens really do want to connect even if they haven’t expressed it well lately. During conversations we can discover or remember common interests, hobbies, and family traits, while we bond over them.
Connecting through conversations also allows us to have faith-based discussions. A vibrant relationship with Christ is more than something that sustains us during challenges. That’s why ongoing conversations are important. We want our teens to adopt and live out a Christian worldview that puts God at the center of the universe. Rather than making self-centered decisions, we want them to filter everything through what they know about God. Trusting Christ isn’t just about being in heaven the day we die. It’s about living for and with Him. Conversations help us teach and model this agenda for living.
We can emphasize the truths we’ve learned ourselves during conversations. Talking about how to apply what God is teaching us practically can be an extremely relevant conversation (and even enjoyable!). This can strengthen teens’ relationship with God and their ability to use the truths they know throughout the day. We can also use the teachable moments and when the time is right, we can discuss sermons, current events, school assignments, and other issues they’re thinking about.
The goal? Deep, meaningful, safe conversations.
Today technology and the internet are part of home life, with all the good and bad that brings. The voices, noises, screens, and distractions of our culture can sometimes feel like a tsunami threatening the security of our homes and children. However, we can defend our families against the lies. We can be proactive and engaged in leading our teens with intention. Equipped with truth, we will expose the lies and battle for the hearts and minds of teens. What could be a better use for our time, effort, and energy? We can and we will connect with our kids in this wireless world.
Call me crazy, but moms are becoming nicer. There used to be a time when kids could spend hours regaling one another with mean mom stories. I know it used to be a favorite pastime of mine.
“My mom is the meanest. Listen to this …” I brushed aside my big ‘80s feathered hair for emphasis. “She wouldn’t let me come over today until after my homework was finished and after I cleaned the kitchen,” I complained to my girlfriend.
“If you think your mom is mean, Joanne, listen to this one …”
Legendary stories have gathered over time—too many to recount. My parenting style has been molded and shaped by them. As far as I was concerned, my mom was the meanest of all. She wanted to know who my friends were and what I was watching on TV. She upheld curfews, expected me to do well in school, and paid close attention to what I wore.
Mean mom flashback
I was hoping to slip out the front door before my parents caught a glimpse of my outfit. I was a typical 16-year-old, and I just knew they wouldn’t be able to hear the whisper of “cool” announcing my presence. Nor would they understand that my black stretch pants made a statement.
Unfortunately, I had never learned the art of Navy SEAL stealth operations, and my mom intercepted my exit. “Sweetheart, what are you wearing?”
Questions asking the obvious are the bane of every teenager’s existence. “Black pants,” I blurted, searching for an escape route.
“Those are not black pants. Those are skintight.” She called for backup. “George!”
Dad is a former U.S. Marine, so I knew he would be up for a battle. I would lose this skirmish. Mom would make sure of it.
“What in the world are those?” He looked down at my legs, his face scrunched up as if he were in the presence of something extraterrestrial.
My earlier confidence squeaked out as a pathetic question hoping for approval. “Black pants?”
With Dad as her wingman, my one-and-only “mean mom” began her rant: “No daughter of mine …”
Yep, here we go. The “no daughter of mine” speech.
As you can imagine, my response was predictable. I stomped off to my room and whimpered over my shoulder, “Mom. You are so mean!” Needless to say, I never left the house in those skintight stretch pants.
Fast-forward 30 years. Yesterday, while at church, this memory came rushing back. The beautiful young singer on stage seemed to have discovered my thigh-strangling pants from my teenage years. Her parents are apparently much nicer than mine and let her leave the house.
I debated with myself, Poor thing. Does she realize how skintight those are? Is that what I looked like 30 years ago? Stop it, Joanne, you’re being old-fashioned. Those pants are in style again.
My thoughts were interrupted by my extremely cool 17-year-old son. Right in the middle of a worship song, he leaned down and whispered to my ear, “That girl should not be wearing those pants.” Once again, confirmation that my very own mean mom had been right.
What does “mean” really mean?
The definition of the word mean is to be unkind or malicious. Though you might cringe at being defined this way, it’s exactly how your children feel you are behaving when you keep them from what they want, enforce daily chores, or thwart their Friday night plans.
This is the moment the parent-child language barrier begins. You see, a mean mom defines the word mean quite a bit differently.
A mean mom keeps her word when it’s hard.
A mean mom gives, models, and expects respect.
A mean mom knows her child’s friends and where they live.
A mean mom instills dinner times, bedtimes, and curfews.
A mean mom treads water longer than her child can make it rain.
A mean mom never makes excuses for her child’s strengths or weaknesses.
A mean mom doesn’t let her own fears overrule her child’s freedoms.
A mean mom sees the adult her child can be and inspires until he or she catches the vision.
A mean mom asks for forgiveness for her mistakes.
A mean mom loves passionately, encourages openly, and behaves righteously.
And if she’s married a mean mom puts her husband before her child.
In the context of mean mom, the word mean can be defined much differently between mom and child. So begins the expansion of that communication gap you’ve heard about. What a son or daughter sees as malicious or unkind, a mean mom sees as keeping protective boundaries and inspiring good character traits, so she makes no excuses for uncomfortable situations that are fueled by a loving boundary.
Children don’t understand boundaries as being helpful or for their lasting good. Their minds can’t wrap around anything more than their immediate wants and needs at this very nanosecond. This is where mean moms dig in and remember they are training each little one to overcome obstacles, never quit, and never, ever give up.
A mean mom’s mission statement is this: I’m not raising a child. I’m raising an adult. This mission statement becomes her mantra and reminds her of the ultimate goal: to work herself out of a job.
The wrong kind of mean
When I shared my idea of a mean mom book with a friend, she expressed concern, “My mom was incredibly mean. Not the mean you’re talking about. She was so disciplined and hurtful. The scars she’s left affect me still. She’s the reason I’m such a pushover with my girls today. I tend to be a marshmallow mom. I know I need to be better at keeping boundaries, but I’m so afraid I’ll become like my mother that I cave every time. I don’t want my kids to hate me like I hated my mom.”
It’s sadly true. There are moms who have a genetic mean streak. Oftentimes victims of their own parents’ physical or emotional abuse, they pass on discouragement and warped parenting disciplines that mold their children in painful ways.
Let me be very clear here. This is not the kind of mean I’m talking about. The mean mom I’m talking about loves her children more than she disciplines them. Joy is what permeates her home, and faith is the foundation and the groundwork she is laying.
Even when a mother is kind, caring, and understanding, she looks mean to her children when she lays down a boundary or rule. What is considered mean in the eyes of a 4-year-old is considered wise in the eyes of a 40-year-old. This is the kind of mean I mean.
“To tell you the truth …”
Ask most adults over the age of 30 if their parents were mean, and you’ll get lots of different answers. I posed this very question to my girlfriend.
“Yes, I thought my mom was very mean.” Gina, a mother of two, answered the question as she cut my hair. “She wouldn’t let me stay out late at night and needed to know my friends’ first and last names. But, to tell you the truth …” She stopped snipping and held her scissors midair. “I don’t think she was mean enough.” A tiny smile etched my face. “She was actually pretty naïve. She should’ve been meaner.”
For nearly two centuries, Beethoven’s death was a mystery. The famous musician suffered from irritability, depression, and abdominal pain. His dying wish was that his illness would be discovered so that “the world may be reconciled to me after my death.”
In 1994, two Americans launched a study to determine the cause of Beethoven’s end. Chemical analysis of a strand of his hair showed his killer—lead poisoning1.
More than likely, it was a little poison in everyday activities that took his life. It could have come from drinking out of lead lined cups or having dinner on a lead lined plate—both common household items in that day. Or perhaps it came from eating contaminated fish or even the extensive consumption of wine. It didn’t come in one lump sum, but the lead killed him slowly and quietly—one little bit of poison at a time.
That’s also how bitterness destroys a marriage. It stores itself in the soul, and slowly poisons the one who carries it. It’s a blade meant for another that eventually severs the hand that tightly conceals it.
Prideful bitterness
I’ve witnessed what a bitter wife does to a relationship. The problems with her husband are real, and her anger is justified. However, what keeps their marriage from healing is not only the problems that he has to overcome, but also the prideful bitterness she guards in her heart.
Little by little, day by day, she has allowed this bitterness to poison her. Her husband will do something disappointing, and instead of confronting the problem, she silently holds it against him. He continues to make the same mistakes, and she continues to harbor her resentment.
This pattern has gone on for years, and now the love she once felt has hardened her heart. Recently she walked out on their marriage wearing a list of her husband’s transgressions as her armor. Reflecting back on his behavior, she nurses her wounds with words that assure her that their marriage was a mistake. “I knew it all along,” she says.
In every marriage, a spouse does something that hurts the other. It’s bound to happen because none of us is perfect. And in some cases, a spouse has a habit of doing the same thing over and over again, even after the behavior is confronted.
Bitterness comes when you hold onto hurt and refuse to forgive the person who hurt you. Most of the time, this comes as a result of ongoing actions of a small nature—lack of understanding, misuse of finances, harsh comments—that build up over time. Each offense takes residence in the heart, and at some point there is no more room left. That’s when bitterness is manifested and causes the most damage.
A hardened heart can cause a lot of pain. Here are three reasons why bitterness should be removed from your heart as soon as possible:
1. Bitterness harbors unforgiveness.
You may feel justified in your anger. You may think that your spouse doesn’t deserve your forgiveness until he or she straightens out. But have you forgotten the mercy that Jesus had for you?
Romans 5:8 tells us that Christ died for us while we were yet sinners. By God’s grace, He forgave us freely even when we didn’t deserve it. At Golgotha as the soldiers gambled for Jesus’ clothing, the dying innocent Christ prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34). If forgiveness is given freely to us, how much more should we give it to our spouses?
Not only should you desire forgiveness simply because it was given so freely to you, but also, the Bible tells us that there are consequences for unforgiveness. Jesus said, “If you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions” (Matthew 6:14-15, NASB). Seek forgiveness not only for the sake of your spouse, but also for yourself.
The other day, I found that my disappointment in my friend was turning into its own form of bitterness. So I sought the Scriptures for guidance. As always, the Word of God shone brilliant light on my own darkness. I was so moved by the verse I read that I wrote it down over and over until there was no more room left on the page. “For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment” (James 2:13).
I wonder how many hurting marriages would be healed if Christian husbands and wives learned to love mercy as much as they love justice?
2. Bitterness doesn’t give your spouse a chance to repent.
If you’ve been holding in your hurt, your spouse may not even know he or she has offended you. Bitterness often comes from hurt that has been suppressed without communication, like filling up a bottle with pressure—eventually that bottle will explode. In the same way, the outburst in your heart can result in a broken marriage, and your spouse never even saw it coming. In this case, go ahead and tell him or her what’s been bothering you. Sit down and try to work it out.
Perhaps your spouse does know of your unhappiness, but chooses to continue in the same patterns. This does not negate your responsibility to remove the bitterness from your heart. You still need to give your spouse the chance to repent, although stronger measures, such as marriage counseling, may need to take place.
You may ask, “How many times does my spouse have to do something before I’m justified in my bitterness?” Peter had a similar question in Matthew 18:21 (NASB). He asked, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”
Jesus replied in verse 22, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”
No matter how many times your spouse may do something, you are still responsible for forgiving him or her.
(Note: If your spouse is physically abusing you, get out of your house and do not stay there. A person who is physically abusive needs extensive counseling and rehabilitation. However, no matter how the situation ends, you can still work on forgiveness from the heart.)
3. Bitterness spreads.
Have you ever seen a piece of moldy bread? It appears that there is only one ruined area, but if you were to look at the bread through a microscope, you would see long roots spreading throughout the slice. What appears on the surface doesn’t reflect what’s really happening below.
Bitterness grows the same way. One little bit of bitterness can start to spread throughout your heart and contaminate your whole body. It will start to manifest itself in your attitude, demeanor, and even your health.
In addition, the spreading can also affect your children and your family. Have you ever noticed how one person’s criticism makes everyone else critical, too? It’s the same with bitterness. Paul compares it to yeast when he writes, “A little leaven, leavens the whole lump” (Galatians 5:6). When you allow bitterness into your life, it extends to your family, your church body, and everyone else involved in your life.
You may feel like there is little hope left for your marriage relationship. You may be so full of bitterness that you’ve convinced yourself that your marriage could never be healed, but let me assure you that the healing begins with yourself. With God, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26).
Four steps to take to begin healing from bitterness
1. Confess your bitterness as a sin.
It’s so easy to justify our attitude when we’ve been hurt, but the Bible teaches that bitterness is a sin. Hebrews 12:14-15 says, “Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no ‘root of bitterness’ springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled…” You must seek peace with your spouse and the grace to forgive.
2. Ask for God’s strength to forgive your spouse and diligently seek that forgiveness.
In Ephesians 4:31-32, Paul exhorts us to “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
It’s hard to be tender-hearted to a spouse who has hurt you, but it is possible. We have the power to forgive because Christ forgave us, and He gives us strength through the Holy Spirit. For more information on how to forgive, read Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth’s article, “When It’s Hard to Forgive.”
3. Make a list of your hurts and find a time to talk to your spouse about it.
After you’ve made your list, pray about which things you can let go and which need to be resolved. If you can let them go, then do so. You may want to physically scratch off each one that you can forgive as an act of faith. Then for those transgressions that are left, ask God to give you the strength to talk to your spouse about them.
Before talking to your spouse, let him or her know that you plan to set aside some undistracted time for you to talk about some issues. As you talk, keep the discussion productive. Start by confessing your own sins to your spouse. Then talk about your hurts. Don’t just dump all your irritations and criticisms on your spouse, but speak in love, rationally and gently.
If you feel like you can’t talk to your spouse alone, then ask a pastor or mentor couple to join you in the discussion. Make sure your spouse knows that someone else will be there. Once you begin, your spouse may deny the behavior or even become irritated. But the object of the discussion is to expose the wounds, not to accuse. Keep love the main motivator of your communication.
4. Worry about changing yourself, not your spouse.
You cannot change your spouse—only God can. But what you can do is allow God to change your heart. If you have a log of bitterness in your own eye, how can you take the speck out of your spouse’s eye? (Matthew 7:3). You, too, have made choices in this relationship that have hurt your spouse and need to be mended. Even though your spouse’s sin goes unresolved for now, he or she will answer for it one day before God (Matthew 10:26). In the same way, God will hold you responsible for the bitterness in your heart.
Footnotes: 1. “Beethoven Was Poisoned”, Thursday, 19 October 2000, News in Science.
If you want your marriage to grow strong, one of the most important questions you and your spouse should answer is, “How are we going to grow spiritually?” Because God created marriage, it is not merely two people in a relationship, but three—a husband, a wife, and God. Failing to address this question can almost guarantee that your marriage will not achieve the intimacy and oneness that God designed.
Three key ingredients of a dynamic Christian life have significance when applied to the oneness you are trying to achieve as a married couple. I’ll state these in the form of questions:
Are you and your spouse a part of the family of God?
Are both of you allowing Christ to control your entire lives?
Are both of you allowing the Holy Spirit to guide and empower your lives?
Unless you answer yes to all three questions, you will lack the power to build your home with the oneness God intends.
Marriage first and foremost is a spiritual relationship. It works best when two people are connected individually to their God, walking with Him, obeying Him through Scripture, and praying as individuals and as a couple. If you push the spiritual dimension to the side, you are ignoring the very God who created marriage and the One who can help you make it work.
1. Is your family part of God’s family?
When I speak of your family, I mean you and your spouse. God’s ideal plan is that both partners in a marriage know Him personally, that they are first part of His family before they try to build a family of their own.
Today many people think they are in God’s family because they go to church, generally live a good life, or consider themselves religious. Other people are not sure where they would spend eternity if they died today.
Regardless of which camp you fall into, I encourage you to read “The Secret to Building a Great Marriage and Family.” These truths will help you understand how to be sure you are included in God’s family.
2. Are both of you giving Christ control?
If Jesus Christ walked out of your life right now, would your life be any different next week?
If Jesus Christ has “first place in everything” with you, then next week would be devastatingly different. You would feel lost, confused, cut off from your source of guidance, wisdom, and power. You would feel an incredible emptiness.
But if you realize that your actions, thoughts, and words would be no different with Jesus absent, you need to come to grips with the fact that Christ is not Lord of your life.
Jesus Christ is already Lord of the universe, but He waits patiently to have you make Him Lord of your life through personal commitment. That means trusting Him in a way you may have never trusted Him before.
During our first Christmas as newlyweds, we were prompted by the Holy Spirit to do something different. Before we exchanged the few gifts that lay under our sparsely decorated tree, we sat down separately and wrote “Title Deeds to Our Lives.” Coming honestly before God, each of us listed our treasured dreams, plans, and possessions that we wanted to “sign over” to God. Then we folded our sheets and sealed them in an envelope addressed “To God Our Father.” We put the letters in our safety deposit box with other important items.
Eighteen years later we retrieved that envelope and reviewed what we had deeded to the Lord. Among other things, Barbara had listed “to be settled and stable; children—at least one boy and one girl; and Dennis.” Dennis had mentioned “security; a healthy, big family—several boys; and Barbara.” We realized how over the years God had continuously weaned us from perishable, unimportant things and increasingly attached us to what really counts: people and His Word. We also noted, with thanksgiving, how much more God had given us than we had given up for Him.
Where do you stand in giving God total control over your life?
3. Are both of you allowing the Holy Spirit to guide and empower your lives?
God sent the Holy Spirit to do even greater works on earth through us than those done by Christ. He was sent to glorify Christ as well as to be our Counselor, Advisor, Advocate, Defender, Director, and Guide. In short, if you are interested in living life as Jesus promised, and if you want a marriage where the two of you grow spiritually, then the Holy Spirit is vital.
Perhaps that’s why being “filled with the Spirit” is not a suggestion; it is a clear command given by Paul in his letter to the Ephesians: “Do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit” (5:18).
Why would Paul put being drunk with wine in opposition to being filled with the Spirit? Because he wanted to help his readers understand what being filled means. When you are drunk with wine, you are controlled by alcohol. The same is true in a positive sense when you are filled with the Spirit: You allow the Spirit to control you.
The results of being filled with the Spirit are holiness and joy. Paul described it as “speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord; always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father” (Ephesians 5:19-20).
We know the Holy Spirit works
Each of us needs something in marriage to defeat our selfishness. On more than one occasion I can recall wanting to be angry at Barbara and yet at the same time knowing that my body is a temple of God, and that the Holy Spirit lives in me with the same power that raised Christ from the dead. The Spirit helps me control my temper, my impatience, and my desire to say things I would later regret.
I still fail, but I have found that as I inwardly yield my will to God, the fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, etc.) grows within me, and these qualities move me inevitably toward a beautiful oneness with Barbara.
Why not stop and pray right now for God to fill you with the Holy Spirit?
Confess your sins. Tell God everything, repent, and receive forgiveness and cleansing.
Surrender your will to God. Allow Him to be your Master.
By faith, ask Him to fill you with the Holy Spirit.
Then continue to walk with God moment by moment by reading the Scriptures, confessing your wrong attitudes or actions, and continuing to surrender and yield to Him.
Your marriage will reflect the love of God as you allow Him to fill, control, and empower you.
Adapted by permission fromStarting Your Marriage Right, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey, Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2000.
I suppose I’m unusual among many men in that I enjoy watching romantic films with my wife. But I also love “man movies”—thrillers, adventures, mysteries, war stories. I like action and explosions and intrigue and excitement.
Here are some films that fall somewhere in the middle between chick flicks and man movies. In these movies you will find a strong theme of romance to please wives, and enough other elements to attract husbands. Hopefully you’ll find some selections here to view as a couple.
I’ve focused mostly on older films for two reasons. First, I’ve found that many people don’t watch movies made before 1980 or so, and as a result are missing out on most of the best films ever made. Second, older films (especially those made before 1960) are cleaner—they aren’t nearly as polluted by the sex, language, and violence so common in today’s movies.
The African Queen
Katherine Hepburn is a missionary thrown together with Humphrey Bogart, a rough riverboat captain, in a World War I adventure. This 1951 film will soon be released on DVD for the first time.
Casablanca
A story about refugees stuck in Morocco during World War II, and the nightclub, Rick’s, where everyone goes, and two lovers who meet again. An absolute classic with Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergmann.
Charade
One of my favorite mysteries, with Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn trying to discover why her husband was killed.
It’s a Wonderful Life
You might be surprised to find this on a list of romantic films, but one of the major themes of the film is the love story between Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed. It’s so poignant, and so creative, that many people list this as their favorite romantic film ever.
A “coming of age” story about a young man, Jim, who loses his father and must earn his way back to his life in the high country of Australia. Kirk Douglass plays two roles—the rich rancher whose daughter falls for Jim, and the twin brother who has spent his life looking for gold.
The Princess Bride
It’s an adventure, a romance, and a satiric look at fairy tales. Features a great cast with, among others, Mandy Patinkin, Cary Elwes, Wallace Shawn, Chris Sarandon, Christopher Guest, Robin Wright, Billy Crystal, and Andre the Giant!
Roman Holiday
In one of her first films, Audrey Hepburn is a princess who hates her life and escapes for one wonderful day in Rome with Gregory Peck, a reporter who recognizes her but doesn’t let her know.
Teacher’s Pet
Many people haven’t heard of this 1958 romantic comedy. Clark Gable, in one of his final roles, plays a hard-nosed newspaper editor who hates journalism schools. Then he meets a journalism professor played by Doris Day. Gable poses as a student, and the drama begins.
What’s Up, Doc?
One of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen. This 1972 tribute to screwball comedies features a plot so screwball that I can’t even summarize it. Stars Ryan O’Neal and Barbra Streisand.
And here are two bonus films … if your husband likes musicals, here are two classics:
Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
It begins when the oldest of seven brothers in the Oregon Territory rides into town determined to bring home a wife. This inspires his brothers to do the same. The barn-raising sequence is one of the best manly dance scenes you’ll ever see.
Singin’ in the Rain
Many critics consider this the best musical ever made. It’s set in Hollywood in the late 1920s, when silent films gave way to “talkies.” Starring Gene Kelly, Debbie Reynolds, Donald O’Connor, and Jean Hagen, this movie is funny, creative, and romantic. It’s one of my favorite films of all time, and it contains my favorite sequence of all time: the “Singin’ in the Rain” number with Gene Kelly.
I remember the day I learned a hero of mine had fallen. His spiritual influence had been tarnished by adultery. I was nauseated when the news came, for I had drunk deeply from the well of his writings, preaching, and life.
I’ve done a lot of thinking since then.
I’ve pondered the tragedy to his ministry. I have winced at the shame to him, his family, and the name of Christ. How many like him must fall before we who are Christians come out of our sanctified closets and admit that sexual temptation does exist?I’ve grappled over the growing number of Christians who’ve lost their marriages, families, and ministries due to sexual infidelity.
As a result, I have determined that we need to start asking one another some tough questions. Like a man asking another man, “Are you being the leader of your family and taking care of your wife’s needs—spiritually? Emotionally? Sexually? Are you being sexually and mentally faithful to your wife? Are you reading stuff you shouldn’t?” And wife to wife: “Are you sending your husband into the world hungry, with his sexual needs unmet? Are you a ‘marriage bed magnet’ that causes him to daydream at work about you!?”
I’ve concluded that it’s time we stop assuming we are all beyond temptation and start exhorting husbands and wives to pay more attention to taking care of one another’s physical needs.
But for some, any open admission about the sexual dimension of life is strictly taboo. I love to quote Dr. Howard Hendricks’ powerful statement about sex, “We should not be ashamed to discuss that which God was not ashamed to create.” If God isn’t blushing about what takes place in our bedrooms, then why should we?
Here are eight exhortations to affair proof your marriage:
1. Make your marriage bed your priority.
Exhaustion is the great zapper of passion. In this on-the-go, always-plugged-in culture, our lives are hectic and our schedules are packed. The result is we have little time and energy to share, give, or receive. Fatigue does not fuel passion.
Practically, some couples could go their own independent way indefinitely, denying their need of one another. But God gave us sex as a drive to merge, to force us out of our isolation.
Am I suggesting that you should write down “sex” on your calendar? I’ll let you decide. But some of you don’t need a reminder on your smartphone—you just need to say NO to some good things and go to bed early; say about 8 p.m. or so.
2. Talk together about what pleases one another.
I once spoke to a group of wives whose husbands are in the ministry. During the message I took a few minutes to address the subject of intimacy and how so many men bomb out of the ministry because of sexual sin.
Afterwards, a young wife came up to tell me about a conversation that she had had with her husband. As they were driving home after he had spoken at church one night, she turned to him and asked, “Sweetheart, what do you want me to do that would help you become a great man of God?” There was a moment of contemplative silence, then his reply came, “When I come home from work, meet me at the door with no clothes on!”
She was dumb-founded! Was he being silly or serious? She has since concluded that he was very serious!
Why not do something tonight that you know would truly please your mate?
3. Fan the flames (or flickers) of romance.
When our children were at home, Barbara and I had a small table in our bedroom set with dishes for special evenings. (No, our bedroom isn’t that big, it was just that crowded!) We would put the kids to bed with a book or rent a Disney movie as we shared a candlelight dinner, alone. We fanned the flames by re-introducing ourselves and talking.
What setting enables your love for your mate to spark or even ignite? Feed the flames—don’t starve them.
4. Have fun with your spouse.
Some of us are so serious about “the objective” that we’ve lost the fun of the relationship. Grins, giggles, and laughter ought to drift out of our bedrooms occasionally. (So what if the kids find out—it’ll be good for them to know that Mom and Dad have fun in bed!)
The Lord God, who created 40,000 different kinds of butterflies, never intended that our marriage bed become boring! But some are. Consider just one problem—the clothes many of us wear to bed. Men really aren’t excluded here, but I’ve had some tell me privately that they’d like to burn some of the burlap sacks their wives sleep in. Snap out of the rut—why not have fun shopping together for some new lingerie?
5. Add the element of surprise to your marriage bed.
Why not take one of your lunch hours at work to add some sizzle and creativity to your marriage bed? Caution: If the sexual area of your marriage has been a struggle, then it might be good to ask permission before cooking up something you think is wonderful, but might be offensive to your spouse (Romans 15:1-7).
6. Be patient with your spouse.
Remember, the Christian life is the process of becoming like Christ. This area of married love and commitment demands that we are continually growing and learning about one another (see 1 Thessalonians 5:14-15).
7. Protect your intimacy by avoiding emotional adultery.
Emotional adultery is friendship with the opposite sex that has progressed too far. When you begin to tell a friend of the opposite sex about your intimate struggles, doubts, or feelings, you are sharing your soul in a way that God intended exclusively for the marriage relationship, and it often leads to physical involvement.
To avoid it, set strict limits about the time you spend with those of the opposite sex, particularly in work situations. And reserve some subjects for your spouse—Barbara and I are careful to share our deepest feelings, needs, and difficulties only with each other.
8. Beware of bitterness.
Perhaps nothing should be feared more than that of becoming resentful of your mate’s sexual drive or apparent lack of sexual appetite. Bitterness quenches the fires of romance. Keep short accounts and ask forgiveness when you fail or if you have become bitter (Ephesians 4:26-27).
I love what Vonette Bright, wife of the founder of Campus Crusade for Christ said about sex, “It’s just as important to be filled with the Holy Spirit in bed as it is in witnessing to another about Jesus Christ.”
Why not pull the plug and turn out the lights early tonight?
I always dreamed of having a family. It was one of my hopes for the future when Dennis and I were engaged and newly married. And of course, my dreams were only about good, peaceful, happy times with children who loved and obeyed their parents. I was unprepared for the perpetual demands parenting would require of me. From 2 a.m. feedings, potty training, ear infections, nightmares, and coloring on the walls to braces, birthday parties, and driving lessons for teens, mothering is a full-time, 24/7 job with few vacations and a delayed payment plan.
The problem mothers face is that, after a long day at this 24/7 job, we often feel stressed, exhausted, and simply not in the mood for romance. With so many modern conveniences that are supposed to save us time and make life more comfortable, how can we be so busy, so stressed, so fractured?
“I am so tired”
For most women, the pace of life presents the biggest deterrent to marital romance. Couples simply don’t have energy for intimacy. Sandra, a listener to FamilyLife Today®, understands that a hurried life has drained the romance from her marriage. She writes:
My husband and I continue to have problems in one main area of our marriage. You guessed it: sex. We have three preschoolers, and I am mentally and physically exhausted at bedtime. My husband thinks we are having problems in our marriage because we only have intercourse once a week or so. I try to explain about stress, exhaustion, etc., but all he sees is that I don’t desire him.
Fatigue and stress are natural results of parenting children. Moms experience normal, everyday fatigue from just executing the duties of the household. Kids naturally fight and compete, complain and whine, spill milk and “forget” to do chores. They present challenges day after day for years and years. It’s a draining job. Exhausted mothers don’t make great lovers. Felicia, who took a FamilyLife online survey, confessed, “Getting sleep is almost always more important than sex to me.”
Dennis often said he’d be a wealthy man if he had a dollar for every time he heard me say, “I am so tired.” And he’s right. I said it a lot because I felt depleted and bone weary during most of our parenting years.
At the end of the day, all I wanted to do was fall into bed. I craved sleep, not robust romance. The temptation was to believe that my needs were more important than Dennis’s—that my husband’s needs and the needs of our marriage could wait.
I also wanted to believe that tomorrow would be different or somehow better. I remember thinking, I won’t be this tired tomorrow night. It’s just because of all that happened today. I’m so tired that I’ll sleep great tonight and will feel refreshed tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll feel more like focusing on Dennis and our marriage. I didn’t want to neglect our romance. But my feelings overwhelmed me and threatened to rule my choices.
Choosing priorities
Because I had already decided in the early years of our marriage to keep Dennis as top priority (after God), I refused to let the tenacious thief of fatigue win in our relationship. Many nights, Dennis graciously gave me a kiss and a hug, prayed with me, and said good night.
On other nights, recognizing that my husband was carrying a lot of stress from work, or just knowing that we needed to reconnect in our marriage, I chose to deny the fatigue, set aside the stress, and give myself to him so that we might enjoy each other.
Charles E. Hummel wrote a wonderful little booklet called Tyranny of the Urgent. His simple message was this: Don’t let the tyranny of the urgent tasks of life rob you of what is really important. The most important relationship in a family, the marriage relationship, is the easiest to ignore in the urgent demands of sick kids, diapers, ballgames, job deadlines, and a host of other daily life demands.
The tyranny of the urgent occurs when you plan a date with your husband, but your boss informs you there’s a project that must be done that evening, so you cancel your date. It occurs when a friend, a neighbor, or your sister calls at the last minute needing you to drop everything to watch a sick child so she can attend an important event because the sitter fell through. In turn, you give up the important time you were going to spend studying your Bible.
The reasons for the urgent winning over the important always sound pressing. And on some occasions you have no choice. But there are just as many times when you could have said, “No, I’m sorry, but I can’t,” to rescuing your friend or to letting your boss control your life.
Here are some practical tips for reining in a busy lifestyle:
1. “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10).
Start by stopping. Begin by listening. Take time to stop and pray and listen to God. And then spend time thinking and evaluating. Plan a date or two with your husband just to reevaluate your schedules, your romance, and your marriage.
2. Decide what you value.
God has made it abundantly clear in His Word what He values. Make a priority list by yourself and with your husband. What will you fight for, and what will both of you fight for? My friend Linda Dillow developed a list of “resolves” and reads them at least once a year. These would be good for every wife to adopt as her own:
I resolve to keep my husband my second priority after God.
I resolve to not settle for mediocrity in my marriage.
I resolve to look at life through [her husband’s] eyes.
I resolve to grow as a sensuous lover.
I resolve to give rather than receive.
I resolve to be faithful to my marriage vows, not only in word, but also in intent.
3. Set important guidelines for yourselves and your family.
One of the hard choices Dennis and I made was to limit our children’s involvement in sports to one per child. Not one sport each season, but one all year. That sounds terribly confining and restrictive by today’s standards of eclectic choices and the accompanying pressure to achieve scholarship-level ability. But with six children we chose to value family time, family dinners, and evenings at home over a life of fast food on the run and evenings spent in the car. As poet Dorothy Parker said, “The best way to keep children home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere—and let the air out of the tires.”
I must add that we relaxed these standards when our kids reached 16 and could drive themselves to some practices and games. But before they were in high school, we made sure we were the primary influencers in their lives. It was a value-driven decision.
4. Honestly evaluate your “need” for all the extra things in life.
I know from my experience and my love for beautiful things how easy it is to be busy with fixing my house, getting things for my kids, finding the best bargain. It’s not wrong unless it leaves me stressed, exhausted, and unable to engage with my husband. It’s a question of the important versus the urgent.
Stress and exhaustion in parenting are normal. While you can’t eliminate them, they can be managed by evaluating your level of busyness and your lifestyle choices. Simplifying life is the best way to reduce these robbers of romance.
Adapted fromRekindling the Romanceby Dennis and Barbara Rainey. Copyright 2004. All rights reserved. Used with permission.
Your life is basically normal … at least most of the time. Your marriage could be better. There have been hard times—maybe even devastating times—but somehow you’re working through life. The kids seem happy enough. You provide for them the best you can—a decent education, plenty of outside activities, loving parents.
But for some reason, there’s a nagging feeling deep inside you, hinting that there’s something more.
It’s as if there’s something missing.
Every couple eventually has to deal with problems in the home—there’s no perfect marriage and family. Problems like finances, communication, and conflict resolution are all important to work through in order to cultivate strong, loving relationships. That’s why there are ministries like FamilyLife to help you learn how to do that.
But there is something else you need. And this is something that all the resources and materials from FamilyLife can’t help you with. This is the basic issue at the heart of every problem in every marriage. No matter how hard you try, this is one problem that is too big for you to deal with on your own.
The missing piece
Do you want to know how to build the type of marriage and family relationships you desire?
If you want to experience marriage the way it was designed to be, you need a vital relationship with the God who created you and offers you the power to live a life of joy and purpose.
Jesus Christ said, “I came that they might have life, and have it abundantly” (John 10:10). And Psalm 16:11 tells us that in God’s presence is “fullness of joy.” God gives us a biblical plan for making family relationships work—and then He gives us the power to follow that plan through a relationship with Him.
The problem
There is a problem we all face, however. It’s a problem that prevents us from establishing a relationship with a holy God, no matter how hard we try. That problem is sin.
In our world today, sin is not a popular word. Many people have little idea what sin is. Put simply, sin is an archery term that means missing the target, or missing the mark. Romans 3:23 tells us, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”
Most of us have assumed throughout our lives that the term “sin” refers only to the really bad acts, like murder. But in reality, sin is anything that breaks God’s laws, and it is impossible to go through life without sinning. Look at the Ten Commandments, for example. Here are three of the 10, from Exodus 20:3-17:
You shall not lie. You shall not steal. You shall not take the name of God in vain.
If you have broken any of these commandments—even little “white” lies or stealing something small, like envelopes from work or a pen that doesn’t belong to you—then you are guilty of breaking God’s laws. And it is that sin that creates a gap between you and God.
None of us has trusted and treasured God the way we should. We have sought to satisfy ourselves with other things and have treated those things as more valuable than God. We have gone our own way.
According to the Bible, we have to pay a penalty for our sin. We cannot simply do things the way we choose and hope it will all be okay with God. Following our own plan leads to our destruction. Proverbs 14:12 tells us, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.”And Romans 6:23a says,“For the wages of sin is death.”
The penalty for sin is eternal punishment and separation from God. And no matter how hard we try we cannot make up for the sin that we have committed. God is holy, and we are sinful. In order to enter heaven, God demands perfection, and we have already seen that no one can be perfect. No matter how hard we try, we cannot come up with some plan, like living a good life or even trying to do what the Bible says, and hope that we can avoid the penalty.
God’s solution to sin
Thankfully, God has a way to solve our dilemma. He became a man through the person of Jesus Christ, who lived a holy and perfect life in obedience to God’s plan. He also willingly died on a cross to pay our penalty for sin. Then He proved that He is more powerful than sin or death by rising from the dead. He alone has the power to overrule the penalty for our sin.
“Jesus answered, ‘I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me'” (John 14:6).
“But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).
“Christ died for our sins … He was buried … He was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures … He appeared to Peter, and then to the Twelve. After that, He appeared to more than five hundred” (1 Corinthians 15:3-6).
“For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord”(Romans 6:23).
The death of Jesus has fixed our sin problem. He has bridged the gap between God and us. He is calling all of us to come to Him and to give up our own flawed plan for how to run our lives. He wants us to trust God and His plan.
Accepting God’s solution
If you agree that you are separated from God, He is calling you to confess your sins. All of us have made messes of our lives because we have stubbornly preferred our ideas and plans over His. As a result, we deserve to be cut off from God’s love and His care for us. But God has promised that if we will agree that we have rebelled against His plan for us and have messed up our lives, He will forgive us and will fix our sin problem.
“Yet to all who received Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God” (John 1:12).
“Forit is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift ofGod—not by works, so that no one can boast” (Ephesians 2:8-9).
When the Bible talks about receiving Christ, it means we acknowledge that we are sinners and that we can’t fix the problem ourselves. It means we turn away from our sin. And it means we trust Christ to forgive our sins and to make us the kind of people He wants us to be. It’s not enough to just intellectually believe that Christ is the Son of God. We must trust in Him and His plan for our lives by faith, as an act of the will.
Are things right between you and God, with Him and His plan at the center of your life? Or is life spinning out of control as you seek to make your way on your own?
You can decide today to make a change. You can turn to Christ and allow Him to transform your life. All you need to do is to talk to Him and tell Him what is stirring in your mind and in your heart. If you’ve never done this before, consider taking the steps listed here:
Do you agree that you need God? Tell God.
Have you made a mess of your life by following your own plan? Tell God.
Do you want God to forgive you? Tell God.
Do you believe that Jesus’ death on the cross and His resurrection from the dead gave Him the power to fix your sin problem and to grant you the gift of eternal life? Tell God.
Are you ready to acknowledge that God’s plan for your life is better than any plan you could come up with? Tell God.
Do you agree that God has the right to be the Lord and Master of your life? Tell God.
Following is a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I need you. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I receive you as my Savior and Lord. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.
Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? If it does, pray it right now, and Christ will come into your life, as He promised.
Living the Christian life
For a person who is a follower of Christ—a Christian—the penalty for sin is paid in full. But the effectof sin continues throughout our lives.
“If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us” (1 John 1:8).
“For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing” (Romans 7:19).
The effects of sin carry over into our marriages as well. Even Christians struggle to maintain solid, God-honoring marriages. Most couples eventually realize that they can’t do it on their own. But with God’s help, they can succeed. The Holy Spirit can have a huge impactin the marriages of Christians who live constantly, moment by moment, under His gracious direction.
Self-centered Christians
Many Christians struggle to live the Christian life in their own strength because they are not allowing God to control their lives. Their interests are self-directed, often resulting in failure and frustration.
“Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly—mere infants in Christ. I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. You arestill worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere men?” (1 Corinthians 3:1-3).
The self-centered Christian cannot experience the abundant and fruitful Christian life. Such people trust in their own efforts to live the Christian life: They are either uninformed about—or have forgotten—God’s love, forgiveness, and power. This kind of Christian:
has an up-and-down spiritual experience.
cannot understand himself—he wants to do what is right, but cannot.
fails to draw upon the power of the Holy Spirit to live the Christian life.
Some or all of the following traits may characterize the Christian who does not fully trust God:
disobedience
lack of love for God and others
inconsistent prayer life
lack of desire for Bible study
legalistic attitude
plagued by impure thoughts
jealous
worrisome
easily discouraged, frustrated
critical
lack of purpose
Note:The individual who professes to be a Christian but who continues to practice sin should realize that he may not be a Christian at all, according to Ephesians 5:5 and 1 John 2:3; 3:6, 9.
Spirit-centered Christians
When a Christian puts Christ on the throne of his life, he yields to God’s control. This Christian’s interests are directed by the Holy Spirit, resulting in harmony with God’s plan.
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there isno law” (Galatians 5:22-23).
Jesus said:
“Iam the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit;apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5).
“But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth”(Acts 1:8).
The following traits result naturally from the Holy Spirit’s work in our lives:
Christ-centered
Holy Spirit-empowered
motivated to tell others about Jesus
dedicated to prayer
student of God’s Word
trusts God
obeys God
love
joy
peace
patience
kindness
faithfulness
gentleness
self-control
The degree to which these traits appear in a Christian’s life and marriage depends upon the extent to which the Christian trusts the Lord with every detail of life, and upon that person’s maturity in Christ. One who is only beginning to understand the ministry of the Holy Spirit should not be discouraged if he is not as fruitful as mature Christians who have known and experienced this truth for a longer period of time.
Giving God control
Jesus promises His followers an abundant and fruitful life as they allow themselves to be directed and empowered by the Holy Spirit. As we give God control of our lives, Christ livesinand through us in the power of the Holy Spirit (John 15).
If you sincerely desire to be directed and empowered by God, you can turn your life over to the control of the Holy Spirit right now (Matthew 5:6; John 7:37-39).
First, confess your sins to God, agreeing with Him that you want to turn from any past sinful patterns in your life. Thank God in faith that He has forgiven all of your sins because Christ died for you (Colossians 2:13-15; 1 John 1:9; 2:1-3; Hebrews 10:1-18).
Be sure to offer every area of your life to God (Romans 12:1-2). Consider what areas you might rather keep to yourself, and be sure you’re willing to give God control in those areas.
By faith, commit yourself to living according to the Holy Spirit’s guidance and power.
Live by the Spirit:“SoI say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want” (Galatians 5:16-17).
Trust in God’s promise:“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of Him” (1 John 5:14-15).
Expressing your faith through prayer
Prayer is one way of expressing your faith to God. If the prayer that follows expresses your sincere desire, consider praying the prayer or putting the thoughts into your own words:
Dear God, I need you. I acknowledge that I have been directing my own life and that, as a result, I have sinned against you. I thank you that you have forgiven my sins through Christ’s death on the cross for me. I now invite Christ to take His place on the throne of my life. Take control of my life through the Holy Spirit as you promised you would if I asked in faith. I now thank you for directing my life and for empowering me through the Holy Spirit.
Walking in the Spirit
If you become aware of an area of your life (an attitude or an action) that is displeasing to God, simply confess your sin, and thank God that He has forgiven your sins on the basis of Christ’s death on the cross. Accept God’s love and forgiveness by faith, and continue to have fellowship with Him.
If you find that you’ve taken back control of your life through sin—a definite act of disobedience—try this exercise, “Spiritual Breathing,” as you give that control back to God.
Exhale. Confess your sin. Agree with God that you’ve sinned against Him, and thank Him for his forgiveness of it, according to 1 John 1:9 and Hebrews 10:1-25. Remember that confession involves repentance, a determination to change attitudes and actions.
Inhale. Surrender control of your life to Christ, inviting the Holy Spirit to once again take charge. Trust that He now directs and empowers you, according to the command of Galatians 5:16-17 and the promise of 1 John 5:14-15. Returning to your faith in God enables you to continue to experience God’s love and forgiveness.
Applying God’s plan to your marriage and family
Embracing your new commitment of your life to God will enrich your life and give you a new way of looking toward your marriage and family.
Sharing with your spouse what you’ve committed to is a powerful step in solidifying this commitment. As you exhibit the Holy Spirit’s work within you, your spouse may be drawn to make the same commitment you’ve made. If both of you have given control of your lives to the Holy Spirit, you’ll be able to help each other remain true to God, and your marriage can become a testimony to other families looking for what’s missing in their lives.
With God in charge of your lives, life becomes an amazing adventure.
Copyright 2002 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.
Do you need grace in your marriage? I do.
Lately I’ve realized how easy it is for me to get irritated or frustrated over the smallest things that my husband, John, does or forgets to do. For example, he’s forever losing his smart phone or the car keys. My natural tendency is to roll my eyes and groan and fuss at him yet again.
Or he forgets something I told him and I get irritated. Why can’t he remember? It makes me feel like what I say isn’t important to him. Or we fail to communicate clearly about something, which causes an argument, which leads to blaming one another. And the issue probably wasn’t that significant anyway!
There are seasons in which we are most vulnerable to this pickiness in marriage. Most often it’s when we are tired. When our schedules have been too full and we haven’t had any time to simply just be together and remember why we are best friends.
Sleep deprivation exacerbates our testiness. Stress and responsibility add to our tendency to get picky. Either one of us can feel like we are doing all the work and the other one isn’t helping like they should. Or we aren’t being appreciated as we wish we were.
Life just seems overwhelming at times. And we lose patience with one another.
As I write these words we are getting ready to host our annual “Cousin Camp.” Our grandkids, ages 4 and up, come in for four days and then all the rest of the family joins us for several more. We have five children and 21 grandkids, so you can imagine all the prep. And we dare not go into this tired.
But we are. Due to a month of overwhelming responsibilities, John is really tired. I’m tired, too, and in my exhaustion I can get snippy—especially with him. So I have a choice to make. Will I grant him extra grace, or will I react with resentment when he forgets something, or loses something, or asks me again about something that I’ve already explained?
The reality is that I disappoint him, too. We are both selfish people. But he is a very good man, and I am very blessed. And these little issues are just that—little. Yet over time the little issues, unless you take care of them properly, will grow into big issues of resentment and estrangement.
I want to be a woman who grants extra grace in times of need. Here are a few tips that help me do that:
First, recognize if your default is usually frustration, and then change the default to laughter. Simply laughing at a crummy situation has a way of relieving tension and restoring perspective.
Second, remember that, in the scheme of things, this issue is not a big deal. And it might help to say, “If this is the only thing you do wrong today you are in good shape!” Recently I was driving and got a speeding ticket. I was mad with myself. My sweet man said, “Don’t worry about it; it’s just a ticket.”
Third, realize when extra grace might be needed and lower your expectations. You may be going on vacation with little kids, for example. Lower your expectations. Plan to laugh at everything that goes wrong—yes, even when he gets lost or led astray by a GPS and refuses to ask for directions. It will make a great story one day.
Finally, pray for your own heart. I’m praying today, God make me more of a “grace granter” with my husband. Help me to be less demanding. Remind me of the amazing man he is when I get frustrated with the little things. And overwhelm me with laughter in the coming days.
One plus one never equaled one in our math classrooms, so why do we think it will in our living room? The “two shall become one” Bible passage from Ephesians 5 sounds romantic at the wedding, but when the tests come, it feels like a 50-page story problem waiting to flunk us from our first semester of calculus. Why is it so hard to learn the new math?
The sooner we realize that marriage is a cause of conflict (not just a part of it) the sooner we’ll be able to do the addition. Think about the last “discussion” you had with your spouse. Sure, it might have been caused by expectations or crushed character, but it might have been that the two of you are in the most poignant of all relationships. (The relation part of the word means the two of you. The ship part means you can experience a wreck at any moment!)
As you “discussed,” you pointed out options, arranged supporting materials, and finally decided the potential wreck wasn’t worth all the effort (after all, there was a slight possibility you could be wrong). That’s probably why humorist Don Fraser could write, “A happy home is one in which each spouse grants the possibility that the other may be right, though neither believes it.”
The next time you and your spouse find yourselves in a “discussion,” practice the following eight steps for resolving relational conflicts in marriage. They are based on two primary causes: control issues and the missing ingredients of respect and love.
Step 1: Understand the commitments of marriage
Our commitment to the person of Jesus Christ is what makes a Christian marriage different from any other. People become Christians by realizing they have sinned and can never meet God’s standard (Romans 3:23). By placing our faith in Him and His pardon of our sins, we have eternal life and can be called Christians.
A focused commitment. Christ’s forgiveness and His example move us to forgive and sacrifice in response to His love. There are times when I (Rich) take my attention off my wife, but as long as I don’t take my focus off Jesus, He will remind me to pay attention to my relationship with LouAnna.
An extreme commitment. It’s unlikely that the wounds associated with the lack of control, respect, and authentic love in a marriage can heal without intense devotion. The greatest love stories ever known (including the greatest—the love of Jesus) have demonstrated total devotion. Lovers don’t meet each other halfway. They give everything they have to give.
A growing commitment. Christian commitment is similar to WD-40, that all-purpose household lubricant. Once we spray it on, it starts eating away at the rusty areas of our lives, freeing us up to experience more of the wonder so tightly fastened on our Creator’s love.
One of the misconceptions of marriage is that when people get married, they lose their individual identities. The opposite is true. “The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together,” says Robert C. Dodds.
When we marry, our new relationship becomes a catalyst promoting growth and frees us to reach our potential. For the first time we have someone who is permanently in our court, encouraging us to give our best.
Step 2: Check the current
Each summer the Rollinses and Trammells raft the Deschutes River. We put the Trammell boys in one raft and the adults in another. Even though the river is a slow, meandering current through the beautiful Oregon forest—and even through the boys are old enough to take care of themselves—we breathe less easy when they float out of sight.
Marriage is like being cast into a river. Our goal is to stay in touch. We never want to lose sight of each other. Because the river flows insanely over the landscape of our lives, we are never guaranteed that our marriages will flow the way most men hope or most women dream. Staying in touch is the essence of a successful marriage. Hold each other daily. Eat together whenever possible. Use these times to check the current.
Step 3: Couple your prayer
Prayer is a necessary step in resolving conflict. We need wisdom and direction in every conflict, and God promises to give it freely and without reservation. When we list prayer in this context, we are emphasizing praying as a couple. Praying together not only accomplishes the same goals as personal prayer, but it draws the couple together in ways that no other activity can.
Prayer is an intimate act before our Creator. When a couple shares with God and each other their deepest fears and thoughts about their marriage and the events surrounding them, they add glue which further cements their relationship. They gain heavenly support from the God who invented marriage. They gain a mutual understanding. Studies have indicated that in staying power, praying separates the marriages that last from those that do not.
Dr. Phillip C. McGraw writes in his bestselling book, Relationship Rescue:
… an interesting statistic shared by David McLaughlin in his wonderful series entitled The Role of the Man in the Family reflects that the divorce rate in America is at a minimum one out of two marriages. But the reported divorce rate among couples that pray together is about one in ten thousand. Pretty impressive statistic, even if you reduce it a thousandfold.
It is a pretty amazing statistic! We have discovered as we have opportunities to meet with couples that those who pray together have a greater strength and deeper intimacy.
Step 4: End the stalemate
One of the common mistakes we make as couples is waiting. We know what we want in a relationship. We also intuitively know what our partner wants. We could give them what they want, but usually don’t until they give us what we want. This stalemate produces more quarrels and dissatisfaction, which produces a greater sense of estrangement. Common sense should tell us that if we can’t control the other person and we can only control ourselves, we need to do something—something other than wait for them to give us what we want or need.
We see it all of the time as we meet with couples. The husband is waiting to be respected before he will love his wife. The wife is waiting to be loved before she will treat her husband with respect. The result is that no one gets much of anything from the marriage. Somebody has to give in. If that somebody is you and you are the wife, you should try reaching out to your husband. Treat him with special respect.
If you are the husband, you need to reach out in tenderness and start loving her in a way she can understand. Instead of acting like you are entitled, start deserving her respect. Become the lover. It is amazing what happens when our wives start “feeling” love. All of a sudden they begin to reciprocate.
Step 5: Realize you can only change yourself
We are also reminded that we can change no one but ourselves. The irony has always been that, as soon as we begin changing, those around us begin changing, too. Looking back, I (Rich) realize that I fell in love with my wife because of our differences as well as our similarities. I wanted a wife who was unique; I did not want another me. I wanted her to become all that she could be. I discovered that when I loved her, she began to feel free to become that person. We still have conflict, but we have stopped trying to change each other.
Step 6: Do it in love
Several years ago, Dr. Gary Chapman described five main love languages: “words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.” If your love language is “giving gifts,” you might assume that everyone is a gift-giver. But you may be married to a person who expresses his or her love with “words of affirmation.” They keep waiting for you to say something nice and you keep waiting for a gift. Until you discover your love language, you may be saying, “I love you,” but the other person isn’t hearing it. Dr. Chapman gives us three steps to discovering our love language.
1. What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.
2. What have you most often requested of your spouse? The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
3. In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse? Your method of expressing love may be an indication of what would make you feel loved.
The Apostle Paul’s description of love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 moves love from the abstract to the quantifiable. Patience is measurable. Kindness is measurable. Paul’s description of love removes our excuses for saying “I love you,” but never showing it in what we do. Many of our conflicts would be readily resolved if love were added to the mixture.
Step 7: Stop remembering
At some point, we need to stop opening up the photo albums of each other’s failures and move on. We do that by forgiving. If all we do is stare at the negatives in the photo album of our relationship, very little positive will develop. We need to stop remembering what shouldn’t be dwelt on.
Step 8: Work on being friends
Mark Goulston said, “Take action when you fall out of love.” Being best friends with your spouse is an important facet of a rewarding relationship. The Apostle Paul exhorted his protégé, Titus, to instruct older women in the church to teach younger women how to love their husbands. The word he uses for “love” is the love of friendship. Paul wanted the women to be best friends with their husbands.
Our (Rich’s and Marty’s) best friends are our wives. Whenever we hear someone say that we should treat our family as friends and our friends as family, we think that’s easy—they’re the same people! Being friends means we have fun with each other, endure the truth from each other, and find our comfort in each other. That way, when the conflicts come, we can rest in the friendships created by years of working on them.
By practicing these eight steps, we believe that every couple can learn to add one plus one and come up with only one. We can use the new math. We can learn to share the kind of oneness that annotates our anniversaries with candlelight and whispers.
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, “What is wrong with you?”
Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to.
God said, “I was going to give you a companion and it would be a woman. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.”
Adam asked God, “What would a woman like this cost me?”
God said, “An arm and a leg.”
Adam asked, “What can I get for just a rib?”
Conflict is normal
Conflict is an ordinary part of every intimate relationship. We all entertain the thought that we should be able to get along with this person who has captured our hearts because there is something special between us. While this is true most of the time, it is nearly impossible to connect your life to another and not have significant disagreements. As you go through your journey together, you will get under each other’s skin and challenge each other to search the depths of your heart for what really matters to you.
One decision that will help you direct your conflicts in a positive way is choosing your conflict-resolution style.
Your conflict style
When faced with a conflict in your relationship, choose one of the following approaches.
The planned approach.
Schedule a time to discuss what you are upset about. Your conflicts will almost always be highly emotional. This person to whom you will say “I do” is the only person on earth you will share everything with—your finances, your emotions, your bodies, your social calendar, and your dreams. As a result, when you have a disagreement, intense emotions surface with the potential to take over the discussion. This is further complicated by the fact that men tend to get flooded by intense emotions and shut down in defense. When this happens, couples often struggle to reach any kind of resolution because their emotions take over the conversation and override their logic. Scheduling a meeting gives you an opportunity to prepare your heart and your thoughts for navigating the discussion.
Before the meeting, describe in writing the issue as you are aware of it. Keep in mind that the presenting issue is not always the real issue, but you have to start somewhere. If you can clearly state your thoughts about the disagreement without reacting to each other, you will have a much better chance of resolving the conflict.
The spontaneous approach.
The spontaneous approach for handling conflict takes the most self-control and relational skill. In this approach, you deal with issues as they come up. You don’t wait, you don’t reschedule, and you don’t give yourself time to gather your composure. You just jump in and try to get to the heart of the matter. There are a few skills that will help you in this approach.
Insulate.
Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. It’s easy to say you will do this when you are calm, but it is a very different matter when you are upset with each other. “You” statements sound like accusations when they are mixed with negative emotions. “You did this,” “You are so inconsiderate,” “You were being selfish,” may be statements of truth, but they easily elicit defensive responses. Your ability to use “I” statements will determine your ability to successfully work through these discussions. “I was surprised by what happened,” “I am very upset by this situation,” “I was shocked when this happened and I reacted very strongly,” are statements that do not avoid the subject but give the other person an opportunity to respond without getting defensive. If you choose this approach, keep in mind that the statement, “I think you are wrong (or stupid or inconsiderate),” is not an “I” statement!
Investigate
Take time to relieve the pressure by describing what you believe the issue is. The purpose of this phase is to lower the intensity of the emotional climate between the two of you. Ask the question, “What is the real issue we are facing?” As with all conflicts, the goal is to identify the issues that are at the heart of your reaction so you can find a positive direction to move.
Identify.
Brainstorm solutions. Verbally investigate possible ways to address the conflict. Take enough time to explore possibilities to see if a new solution surfaces that wasn’t clear in the heat of the moment.
Initiate.
Commit to a course of action based on your conclusions.
Interconnect.
The reason you have such intense discussions with each other is the emotional connection you have. Before you end your discussion, seek to rediscover what it is you love about each other. You are highly attractive to each other, but we believe these attractive traits can also have a dark side that may show itself and create intense negative responses. Since these negative responses are attached to the things you love about the other person, they can easily be turned positive.
The delayed approach.
If scheduling a meeting or having a spontaneous discussion do not work for you, you might try taking a short break before you work your way through an issue. The purpose of the break is to calm your emotions and get yourself back to a more rational place. It is more reliable if you choose a specific time to get back together, but you may be able to say, “As soon as we calm down, let’s get back together.” If you take this approach, you will want to check in with each other every couple of hours to see if you have calmed down. If you do not diligently check in, it is likely you will ignore the issue and conclude that time has taken care of everything. This is like planting a land mine in the middle of your relationship. If you do this enough times, those mines will eventually erupt and cause severe damage. It is much better to deal with the issues as individual discussions rather than waiting for a compound problem to unleash itself.
When you get together, you will want to follow the same steps as above: insulate, investigate, identify, initiate, interconnect.
In the absence of decisions about how you will approach conflict, you will simply do what you know to do. Conflict, however, does not need to be destructive if you guide it rather than let it get out of control. One of life’s great truths is that our emotions follow our decisions, which is good news when it comes to disagreements. If you decide ahead of time how you will face conflict, you can guide your emotional energy so that it draws you together and adds value to your relationship.
When I was a freshman in college—back when I was skinny and long-haired and pretty inexperienced when it came to relationships—I met a girl named Nancy. We sat together five days a week in a French class, and at some point we began dating. I wouldn’t say it was serious, but between those dates and our class, we certainly saw each other often.
A few months later the French class was over; we didn’t see each other as often, and the attraction began to fade for me. It was time to be honest with her and tell her that I enjoyed our friendship, but I didn’t see our dating relationship going anywhere. Meet with her and have a mature, yet positive conversation.
Did I mention that, at age 18, I was also stupid and cowardly? We never had that conversation. Instead, I just stopped calling her.; Cut her off completely.
My guess is that after a few weeks she figured a couple things out:
I wasn’t going to ask her out on dates any more.
I was a jerk who wasn’t worth dating, anyway.
Fast forward a few years, and I see that people today have not gained much in wisdom. When it comes to breaking off a relationship, or working through a conflict, today we have all kinds of new technology that helps us take the easy way out.
If I was the same wimpy kid today and in the same situation, I’d probably break up through e-mail or text messaging. In a recent Washington Postarticle, writer Lisa Bonos laments that “technology has made our breakups even worse.”
With so much of life happening on the internet—and about 23 percent of couples now meeting online—it’s inevitable that “I’m just not that into you” ends up in our inboxes, sandwiched between bills, notes from our bosses and e-cards from Mom. And it’s not unheard of for Facebook users to get news about their romances when the other person changes his or her status from “in a relationship” to “single”—without talking about it first.
A digital rejection can be efficient and effective: The dumper can control the message; the dumpee can’t interrupt or argue. No body language to misread, no tears to witness, no awkward hugs, and no breakup sex. But we miss out on a lot when we outsource uncomfortable conversations to our e-mail accounts. In exchange for efficiency and emotional distance, we often give up a chance for real closure—and to show the other person that you care for them and respect the effort you put into the relationship.
Avoiding difficult conversations
A few months ago I wrote an article about how our digital life is replacing conversation. Our digital devices improve our lives in many ways, and they can be a boon to communication if used wisely. But it’s also easy to become so obsessed with being connected to your friends or to information on the internet that you ignore the people you are with at the time. And it’s especially easy to use e-mail and text messaging to avoid the difficult conversations, disagreements, or conflicts.
This applies to all of us, not just singles. We face a disagreement or conflict with a co-worker, a friend, a family member, or a spouse, and we look for the easy way out by avoiding a face-to-face conversation.
Let me ask you: How often have you tried to resolve a disagreement or conflict with someone by e-mail or text message? How has that worked for you?
I’ve found that when I try to resolve something through e-mail, it’s easy to misunderstand each other. Words are misinterpreted or attached with emotions that were not intended. You miss the facial expressions, the body language, and the tone of voice that communicate just as strongly as the actual words.
It’s interesting to read some of the Scripture passages about resolving conflict in light of today’s technology. For example, 1 Peter 3:8-9 tells us, “To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead …” (NASB).
What impresses me here is that it’s very difficult to communicate a spirit of harmony, sympathy, kindheartedness, and humility through e-mail or text messaging. These qualities—so essential to resolving a disagreement or conflict—are best conveyed in person.
If you are the type of person who instinctively avoids any type of confrontation, perhaps you’ve settled into this bad habit of using electronic communication to avoid real conversation. Perhaps you’re doing it with your spouse.
Let me encourage you to step into the relationship rather than away from it. Be courageous.
A real relationship requires heart-to-heart communication. And that won’t happen in an e-mail.
Jim got sick and had to forsake his climb up the corporate ladder. This brought stress into his marriage to Jen that he would never have anticipated.
Brad and Savannah got busier and busier and quit communicating as they should, and their relationship paid the price.
Brent struggled with a secret sin for years, and when Liz discovered it, it almost ended their marriage.
India and Frank always seemed to be in a battle for control. It was an exhausting marriage to be a part of.
Alfie and Sue never seemed to be in the same place spiritually.
Jared and Sally had an infectious affection for one another, but their financial woes brought much stress to their marriage.
Jung’s mother pulled her into loyalty battles again and again. It caused lots of conflict between her and Kim.
There are two observations to make about all these marriages. First, none was a bad marriage. No one was about to walk out. No one had been unfaithful as yet. There had been no abuse or violence. But none was experiencing what God had in mind when he created their union in the first place. And all of them were surprised at what they had to face as a couple. It was not what they had expected.
Second, everything that each couple faced is predicted by command, principle, proposition, or perspective in the Bible. If they had approached the Bible as a wonderful window onto their marriage, they would have known what to expect and not been surprised at what came their way.
So what are the essential wisdom perspectives that Scripture gives us that enable us to have realistic expectations for our marriage?
1. You are conducting your marriage in a fallen world.
Sam can’t believe he has been suddenly laid-off after all these years. Julie struggles with the thought of living with a man with a chronic disease. Mary feels like a prisoner in the house she loves, which is located in a neighborhood now gone bad. Sherrie struggles with the responses she has received to her biracial marriage. John often wonders why life has to be so hard.
We all face the same thing. Our marriages live in the middle of a world that does not function as God intended. Somehow, some way, your marriage is touched every day by the brokenness of our world. Maybe it simply has to do with the necessity of living with the low-grade hassles of a broken world, or maybe you are facing major issues that have altered the course of your life and your marriage.
But one thing is sure: You will not escape the environment in which God has chosen you to live. It is not an accident that you are conducting your marriage in this broken world. It is not an accident that you have to deal with the things you do. None of this is fate, chance, or luck. It is all part of God’s redemptive plan. Acts 17 says that he determines the exact place where you live and the exact length of your life. He knows where you live, and he is not surprised at what you are facing.
Even though you face things that make no sense to you, there is meaning and purpose to everything you face. I am persuaded that understanding your fallen world and God’s purpose for keeping you in it is foundational to building a marriage of unity, understanding, and love.
You and I just don’t get to be married to someone perfect. It seems true when you read it, but even though this seems obvious, many people get married with unrealistic expectations about who they are marrying.
Here is the point: You both bring something into your marriage that is destructive to what a marriage needs and must do. That thing is called sin. Most of the troubles we face in marriage are not intentional or personal. In most marriage situations, you do not face difficulty because your spouse intentionally did something to make your life difficult.
Yes, in moments of anger that may happen. But most often, what is really happening is that your life is being affected by the sin, weakness, and failure of the person you are living with. So, if your wife is having a bad day, that bad day will splash up on you in some way. If your husband is angry with his job, there is a good possibility that he will bring that anger home with him.
3. God is faithful, powerful, and willing.
There is one more reality that you have to include as you are trying to look at your marriage as realistically as possible. Not only must you consider the fallenness of the world you live in and the fact that both of you are less than perfect, but you must also remember that you are not alone in your struggle. The Bible says that God is near, so near that in your moment of need you can reach out and touch him because he is not far from each one of us (Acts 17:27). Yes, you live in a fallen world, and the two of you are less than perfect, but in all this you are not left to your own resources. The God who determined your address lives there with you and is committed to giving you everything you need.
What did you expect?
Because God is faithful, powerful, and willing, you can be realistic and hopeful about your marriage at the very same time. Realistic expectations are not about hope without honesty, and they are not about honesty without hope. Realism is found at the intersection of unabashed honesty and uncompromising hope. God’s Word and God’s grace make both possible in your marriage.
If you answered any question up through question 26 with anything other than never, you are likely in an unhealthy relationship.
If you answered most questions with sometimes, frequently, or almost always, you are definitely in a destructive and likely an abusive relationship. Now go back and look at which questions in particular you answered with any answer other than never.
Questions 1-16 describe the main characteristics of an abusive relationship where the abuser’s desire for power and control is at the root. If answering this questionnaire has revealed to you that you are in an abusive relationship, please seek appropriate help from those in your church or community who are experts in helping victims of abusive relationships. (You will find information about various resources at the back of the book.) If you answered seldom to any question in this group, you still may be in danger, depending upon the severity of the abuse. Once a year is seldom, but it is still too often in a long-term relationship such as a marriage.
Question 10 looks in particular for patterns of mutual abuse. If you answered this question with frequently or almost always, then your relationship might be more mutually abusive. Review questions 1-16 and ask them about yourself. Are you engaging in the same abusive behaviors that you cite in the other person.
Questions 11-17 reflect less obvious ways in which the relationship may be controlling. That does not mean it is not abusive, but if you answered never to questions 1-9, you may be in a controlling relationship that is not obviously abusive.
Questions 17-20 describe a relationship where deceit is present. If most of your answers reflect problems in this area, your relationship is built on lies and it is unstable. You cannot trust someone who does not tell you the truth. And without trust, no relationship can endure.
Questions 21-23 describe a relationship that is overdependent.
Questions 24-26 describe a person who does not take personal responsibility for behavior or wrongdoing.
Stop here and name some of the specific destructive elements in your relationship with this particular person. Is there physical, verbal, or sexual abuse? How about controlling behaviors and attitudes? Is there more mutual abuse? Are you too dependent? Is there deceit or a lack of personal accountability or responsibility?
Questions 27-31 describe the basic elements of a healthy relationship. If you answered never or seldom to any of these questions, your answers indicate that your relationship is unhealthy and probably destructive.
Sports broadcaster Bill Stern shocked historians when he revealed that Abraham Lincoln’s last earthly thoughts and utterances were about baseball!
Stem reported that as Lincoln lay dying in a hotel across the street from the Ford Theater, he allegedly roused from his coma and demanded that General Abner Doubleday be summoned to his bedside. In haste Doubleday arrived at the President’s side to hear Lincoln’s last directive and words: “General, you must keep baseball alive. America will need it in the trying days ahead.” Then he died.
Believe it or not.
Another great man’s last words are recorded as a great lesson for us today. They were spoken by King David. His dying request is recorded in 1 Kings 2:8-9. David gives his final directive to the new king, his son Solomon. David said, “And behold, there is with you Shimei the son of Gera the Benjamite, of Bahurim; now it was he who cursed me with a violent curse on the day I went to Mahanaim. But when he came down to me at the Jordan, I swore to him by the Lord, saying, ‘I will not put you to death with the sword.’ Now therefore, do not let him go unpunished, for you are a wise man; and you will bring his gray hair down to Sheol (hell) with blood.”
“Then David slept (died) and was buried …”
Believe it …
Here a man of God talks like a gangster putting out a contract on a guy’s life. Why were David’s last words revengeful? Why did he go back on a vow? To find out why, we need to go back to the actual event found in 2 Samuel 16:5-14 (you might want to read it).
David’s life in those troublesome days was in decline. The sins of his adulterous relationship with Bathsheba and the murder of her husband hung like a thick, suffocating fog around the king. Additionally, one of his sons, Absalom, was in the process of attempting to overthrow David’s rule.
David was on his way out of Jerusalem in total disgrace. Further humiliation haunts David as Shimei followed David, cursing him, accusing him of evil and attacking David’s character.
David’s response to Shimei was one of apparent trust in God. David verbally expressed that God saw his dilemma. His words seemed to drip with “spiritual perspective” as he stated his belief in God’s sovereign control and his hope that God would perhaps bless him for his kind response to Shimei.
The drama continues however, when a few days later we find our loose-lipped lad Shimei hurrying to find David at the Jordan (II Samuel 19:16-23). He had come to his senses and realized that to curse the king meant death. Finding the king, Shimei quickly sputtered out a confession of guilt and asked for clemency.
David’s promise was clear, “You shall not die.” Case closed. Right? Wrong!
What happened to David between that event and his deathbed plot for revenge? Though we won’t find it in the Bible, it doesn’t take a doctorate from Jerusalem University to realize that David gave in to resentment. Thus his last words revealed him as a man who died embittered against another.
Enslaved by bitterness
Do you know any people like that? Full of resentment and bitterness? Enslaved to a critical attitude about everyone and everything? How many times have you walked away from such a person and silently prayed, Please, Lord, don’t allow me to become like that person?
People don’t become bitter overnight. It comes as a result of choices. Many wrong choices. Like pouring sulfuric acid over your heart, these corroding attitudes eat away internally over a lifetime.
When we choose to forgive, we choose to give up the right of punishment. Forgiving someone doesn’t necessarily mean we forget immediately or even completely, but it does mean that we no longer hold a private grudge that desires to punish.
Someone has said that a grudge gets heavier the longer we carry it. That explains why many old people die like David did—weighed down, heavy with bitterness.
The way we live and handle our relationships today will determine our countenance and attitude when we are in our 60s, 70s, and 80s. David didn’t become bitter on his deathbed. He had allowed its seed to sprout and flourish in the garden of his mind over many years.
Three steps to cutting out bitterness
So, what’s the admonition—especially to those who struggle with harboring angry or revengeful feelings?
First, cut down any bitterness growing in your life and dig it up—roots and all.
Hebrews 12:15 warns us not to let a “root of bitterness spring up” in our lives. A root is the result of a seed that has been nourished and cultivated. Dig up those bitter roots and eradicate them from your life by confessing them one by one to God (see I John 1:5-10). God promises forgiveness to all who confess their sin.
After restoring your relationship with God, it may be appropriate to go to the person you have been angry with and seek his or her forgiveness also.
Second, choose your inner occupation and career path: judge or forgiver.
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:31-32).
Pursuing the occupation of judge by punishing another with resentment, bitterness, or anger for the hurt you have suffered will boomerang on you. “What goes around, comes around,” as they say.
Forgiveness, on the other hand, says, “I will give up my right to punish you for how you have wronged me.”
Take no chances. Rid yourself of the acidic residue of anger and join the “Seventy Times Seven Club.” Christ said we are to forgive one another seventy times seven (Matthew 18:22). His point was that we must forgive others as the Father forgives us—over and over again. Who knows, maybe when you retire you’ll be known not as a critical judge, but as a compassionate forgiver of others.
Third, experience peace by resolving conflicts as they occur.
“Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity (literally ‘don’t give a foothold’)” (Ephesians 4:26-27). No person really enjoys harboring a poisonous grudge against another, but our pride many times keeps us from going to others and confessing our error. Think of it, which would you rather deal with: the short term emotional “ouch” of asking another to forgive you for your anger, or would you rather carry the bitter cancerous feelings for a lifetime?
We are commanded to “pursue peace with all men …” (Hebrews 12:14). Look at this practical approach to relationships found in Romans 12:17-21: “Never pay back evil for evil to anyone … If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge … Do not overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
Twenty years from now you will be the person you are choosing to become today.
It is my hope to live and die like another Abraham did some 4,000 years ago. Genesis 25:8 records how he died, “Abraham breathed his last and died in a ripe old age, an old man and satisfied with life.”
Pick out a board game—any game will do. Now take off the lid, turn it over, and search for these words: “Roll the dice to see who goes first. Play proceeds clockwise … “
All games include directions to make sure everyone knows whose turn it is. But conflict, as you recall, is a game without rules. In a disagreement, it isn’t always easy to know who goes first, who comes next, and who just got left out.
There’s a simple set of instructions that can help create order out of this chaos. In the game of conflict, the order of play goes like this: Listen long; then speak short—and don’t forget to pass the dice.
Sounds easy, doesn’t it? It’s not. Being a good listener is hard. When you do it right, the game proceeds nicely and both of you get to play; when you spend too much time speaking to listen well, each of you thinks it’s his turn and both players are scrambling for the dice.
Here are some helpful suggestions about listening to improve the order of play in your next disagreement.
Listen Up!
James 1:19 gives us a simple order of priority for communication. “Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.” In James’s perspective we make two common errors in a conflict: We speak too soon, and we get mad too fast. Slow it down, he says—but there’s one thing that definitely needs to shift to a higher gear: our listening.
We tend to think of listening in a passive sense—as something that happens to us, like tasting or feeling. We don’t have to do anything; it just happens. Not so. Listening is an active skill, and there are things we can do to become more skillful listeners.
Listen with everything you’ve got.
Someone once said that a good definition of “eternity” is to listen to a 5-year-old recount the plot of this neat movie he saw. Every parent knows that listening—real listening—is hard work. It requires energy, focus, and endurance—things that are always in short supply. But every parent will also tell you that listening is some of the most important work a parent can do.
No one loves hard labor, and it’s only human nature to work for shortcuts. When it comes to listening, we’ve all learned dozens of ways to look like we’re listening while our mind is really picking flowers somewhere else. You’re a master of the out-of-body experience, and your mate knows how to recognize it. There are telltale signs: Your eyes glaze over like a walleyed pike, or you begin to hum the theme song from Friends, or you start feeling around for the TV remote. When you do, you might as well strap on a flashing neon sign that screams, “I DON’T CARE!”
When you have real work to do, you buckle down and do it. No distractions, no interruptions—you’ve got work to do. We need to treat the work of listening the same way.
The next time you’ve got some listening to do, turn off the TV. Scoot forward and sit on the edge of the sofa. Lock eyes with your spouse like a tractor beam and refuse to look away. And when you find your mind occasionally drifting off to the putting green, make a practice of saying, “Hold it. I missed what you said. Would you repeat that last sentence?”
If you’ll do these things, even when you and your mate disagree, you’ll find that you still get bonus points for caring and for trying—and a few extra points can make all the difference.
Listen with an open mind.
We sometimes listen only for the points that confirm what we already believe. That means we approach a discussion with a lot of assumptions—about the way our mate thinks, what he really wants, and why he acts the way he does. Sometimes our assumptions are so stubbornly entrenched that we’re unwilling to consider any thoughts to the contrary. We hear only what we want to hear, and our spouse’s words are like a rock skipping across our mental pond, making contact only at pre-selected points.
Your mate wants to be thought of as a human being, not as a predictable formula. The next time you and your mate have a discussion, try to imagine that you are looking at a perfect stranger wearing a mask of your mate. Expect to hear something new, something that doesn’t fit with what you already know. Tell yourself that you are engaging in a cross-cultural experience—because, in point of fact, that’s exactly what marriage is. You’ll find that a simple change of attitude can help you to listen with an open mind.
Some of us listen like court reporters, staring stone-faced at our spouse while we dutifully record her comments. We listen like students in a boring classroom lecture—but she isn’t giving a lecture; she’s sharing her heart. She wants to know more than if you got the words right; she wants to know if you got the feeling behind the words.
That’s why it helps to listen reflexively—that means to think of listening as a two-way street. Nod your head, give a sympathetic sigh, or throw in a little “Wow!” or “Really?” from time to time—anything to let her know that there’s still someone on the other end of the line, and that you not only hear her words but feel them too.
Listen to what isn’t being said.
Communication scholars talk about high- and low-context relationships. In a low-context relationship, we count on words to do the talking for us, and we use them freely and directly. The American culture as a whole is a low-context culture; when a group of Americans gathers for a meeting and someone leaves the door open, we simply say, “Close the door.”
But the Japanese culture is traditionally high context. Japanese count on the context surrounding the words to help get the message across: gestures, facial expressions, and minute variations in tone of voice. They communicate more indirectly, often through hints and suggestions, and they expect one another to understand what is meant when someone says, “It would be nice if the door were shut.”
There are high- and low-context communicators in marriage, too. Low-context partners are verbal communicators; they say what they mean and mean what they say, and they depend on words to carry the message. Their motto is, “If you want to know what I mean, listen to what I say.”
But for high-context spouses, that level of directness feels so blunt, so demanding, so obvious. They prefer to let out a sigh, or roll their eyes, or drop a little hint. High-context partners use words too, but they’re also nonverbal communicators. Their dictum: “If you want to know what I mean, watch everything I do.”
When nonverbal spouses listen to their verbal partners, they have a tendency to read into what’s being said. Why did he say it like that? Why was he standing that way? Why did he drop his voice just then? Nonverbal listeners are skilled at finding the message behind the words—even when there isn’t one there.
But verbal listeners have the opposite problem. Because of their preference for words, they often overlook much of what their mate is trying to communicate by ignoring her body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. “But that’s not what you said. What you said is …”
Sometimes the meat of a message comes through everything but the words. If you want to become a more skillful listener, try lending an ear to what isn’t being said.
Listen until she’s satisfied.
We tend to listen only until we understand, or until it sounds familiar, or until we decide what to say next. We tend to listen only until we’re satisfied—but this isn’t about you. She’s the one who’s speaking now, and you need to let her talk until she’s said what she wants to say in the way she wants to say it.
Remember, conflict is not only about facts but feelings. We don’t just want to be listened to; we want to feel heard, and that takes time. It means we all need to become more leisurely listeners. If you listen only until you’ve got the facts, you may have missed entirely what she really wants to say.
I have friends who have been devastated by divorce. Divorce is heartbreaking, and all the more when one of the parties is blindsided by the decision of the other to give up and end the marriage.
This seems to be happening more and more. Things get hard, marriage stops being fun, life gets serious, issues arise, and someone decides they do not want to work at it and they just leave.
A few weeks ago I was speaking to a friend who said she knew 10 couples who were headed toward divorce. In each case it was because the wife decided it wasn’t worth the hassle to work at it. She’d had enough and she was out of there.
I struggle to comprehend how a woman can give up on her family without fighting for it. Actually, I get angry. It seems like such an unbelievable display of selfishness. If you and your husband are fighting and having problems, don’t think you are alone in your struggles. All marriages suffer and have problems—all marriages. In the situations I have observed, there is no abuse. The individuals just refused to work through the problems they were having with the spouse given to them by God.
When did our society decide that marriage was supposed to be all light and fluffy?
Marriage is hard; marriage is where life gets real. And each of us should have realized that going into it … better or worse, richer or poorer … remember?
I have had many women assume that my husband is perfect because it appears to them that our marriage is so good. I laugh and tell them that our marriage is good, but not because my husband is perfect. He is an overbearing jerk. And I am a pouty little snot. But we know this about each other and we work at marriage.
In our home we recognize sin for just what it is: sin. And often, a moment’s frustration is all it takes for us to slip into our sin nature. Hubby’s moments of frustration slip him into “overbearing jerk”—and he knows it. My moments of frustration slip me into “pouty little snot”—and I know it.
This from the parents who have been known to tell their children they are being “selfish little heathens.”
Do we point these things out to be mean and ugly? No, we do it to identify sin and snap each other into recognition of that sin. We know that because we are most comfortable at home; it is there that our sin nature rears its ugly head the most. I recognize I need someone to help me tame the beast within.
Is it always easy to hear about it when I’m being a pouty little snot? No. But hey, my hubby loves me and he needs to help me to be a better person.
Are there times when he knows that I’m having a bad day and he needs to just let a problem go? Of course—neither of us is looking for trouble!
Our relationship with our husband
As moms, we spend our days teaching our children that the world does not revolve around them and they have to learn to get along well with their friends and siblings. We constantly remind them to extend grace to others, to realize others are not always cruel on purpose. Maybe we should remind ourselves the same thing when it comes to our relationship with our husband.
So, if you have had recurring thoughts of disappointment and anger toward your husband and you are getting fed up, please allow me to mother you a bit …
The world does not revolve around you. You need to work at getting along with your husband. You need to extend grace to your husband. Your husband is not being mean on purpose; sometimes he just doesn’t think.
Marriage is a covenant relationship and God made it that way because He realized that, left to our own desires, we would want to walk away. But a covenant is a commitment, so we must stick it out and work at it.
Working at it pounds some of the stubbornness out of us: My husband is becoming less and less of an overbearing jerk, and I am becoming less and less of a pouty little snot.
Last night when I asked Hubby if we were going to have a date night this Friday he said, “I don’t know. Do you want to go out on a date with an overbearing jerk?”
“Sure,” I said. “Because you are my overbearing jerk and I love you!”
I act like a spoiled baby when I’m sick. I whine and moan, and I check my temperature every 30 minutes. I park myself in front of the television and expect my wife, Merry, to wait on me hand and foot. Never mind what plans she has for the evening—when I’m sick, her job is to take care of me.
But what happens when the roles are reversed, and she’s stuck in bed with nausea, or vertigo, or a sinus infection?
I act like a spoiled baby. I whine and pout. I glare at her. How dare she get sick? Doesn’t she know what plans I have? Doesn’t she realize the pressure she’s placing on me?
At some point during the evening, God convicts me of my selfishness, and I realize that I need to make a choice: Am I going to see Merry as my enemy? Or will I recognize again that God has given her to me as a gift … and stop moaning just because that gift has a fever and can’t cook dinner?
You may not realize it, but you make the same choice on a regular basis. The choice confronts you when you argue … or when your spouse doesn’t respond to your romantic overtures … or when you must decide who puts the kids to bed at night. Is my spouse my enemy? Or a gift from God?
A life-changing perspective
If you’ve been to a Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway, you probably recognized the phrase I’ve been using: “My spouse is not my enemy.” It’s one of the key concepts from the conference, and I’ve always been intrigued by the number of people who mention this statement on their evaluation forms after the event is over.
One person commented, “We were able to see each other differently … . We were able to recommit our lives together to God. We were able to address a long-time unresolved, silent, stuffed conflict with the hope of continued work on forgiveness and growth in our marriage together. I learned that my mate is not my enemy.”
And then there was the husband who wrote, “Wow! My wife is not my enemy after all! I am actually made complete in her—she is God’s manifestation of His idea of what is absent from my life. I cannot question anything about her because she was custom built just for me. God loved me so much that He gave me Joanna.”
My spouse is not my enemy. It’s a perspective that will change the way you look at your marriage. And it’s a choice spoiled babies like me face in some form nearly every day.
On April 7, 1984, Laura was planning on attending an annual luncheon with her mother. She was expecting a pretty normal day.
But for some reason that morning she asked her husband an unexpected question. “He had been a little bit odd for several months, but I couldn’t really put my finger on it,” Laura says. “Finally I just, out of the blue, asked him, ‘Is there someone else?’”
“Well, there could be,” he replied.
Laura was not fooled by the waffling reply. “Yes or no?” she asked. “Are you in another relationship or not?”
His answer tore Laura’s world apart. She was 28, married just two years, and had long vowed, “I will never be divorced.” But when her husband admitted he was having an affair and said he wanted a divorce, there was nothing she could do to stop it.
Today Laura Petherbridge is remarried and has two sons and three grandchildren. For years she has been involved in training couples in divorce care and divorce recovery, and this week she tells her story on FamilyLife Today. In the broadcast series Laura presents some great advice on many of the practical issues couples face after a divorce. But I was struck by her practical suggestions that any married couple could apply—no matter how healthy their relationship. This is advice that comes from a woman who learned her lessons the hard way.
1. Don’t ignore unacknowledged problems in your relationship. Laura realized that she shouldn’t have been surprised her husband wanted a divorce, because there were warning signs. “Sometimes I would say to him, ‘What’s bothering you?’ or things like that,” she says. “He ran a business and I just assumed there was a lot of stress. I was trying to be the supportive wife … don’t rock the boat.
“When you know there’s something wrong, don’t sweep it under the rug.”
2. Seek to understand and acknowledge the “baggage” you brought into your marriage. None of us enters marriage with a blank slate. We are influenced by our family background, our culture, our peers. We develop sinful and impure attitudes and behavior patterns. This baggage affects a marriage relationship in ways we often don’t fully understand.
In Laura’s case, one of the major pieces of baggage she brought into marriage was the pain of her parents’ divorce (when she was eight). “I believed that I was the cause of my parents’ divorce. And so that guilt and that shame, I brought all of that into the marriage, which also brought fear and a lack of trust.” This contributed to her deteriorating relationship with her husband. “When I look back on it, and I see just how wounded I was going into that marriage … it’s just very eye-opening.”
3. Consider any problems as an opportunity to draw closer to God for guidance, strength, and comfort. Laura went through months of grief, anger, and tears. “Unfortunately, the way I tried to mask my pain was with alcohol. I was in so much pain, the shame, the guilt, the sense of abandonment, the fear was so overwhelming that at times I would drink to numb that pain.”
She was fortunate to have some Christian friends and a church that refused to abandon her. “They wooed me back. They loved me back to fellowship with God, to finding Him as the answer to my pain rather than the alcohol.”
During her divorce, Laura says she often took comfort from Philippians 4:6-7, which urges us to “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” At one point she wrote in her Bible next to that verse, “Oh God, when will the pain be over and a purpose clear?”
More than 20 years have passed, and the pain never fully went away. Laura says she’s glad, though, because she doesn’t want to forget it. And she can see how God has used her experience to influence others. “I look at what God has done with the most horrible thing that could have happened in my life—He has now turned it into something where I bless other people, I encourage other people, and sometimes I help them to restore their marriage.”
After one of our marriage conferences, a woman came up to us with a complaint about her husband. “We live in the city,” she said. “My husband and I like to go walking together downtown. Sometimes when we’re out for a walk an attractive woman will pass by. When that happens, my husband will stop and slowly look her over. Sometimes he’ll even whistle, or make some comment like, ‘Now there’s a good-looking gal!’ I hate it when he does that, and I tell him so—but whenever I complain he says, ‘Look, that’s just what comes to my mind when I see an attractive woman. I’m just telling you the truth about what I think. What do you want me to do, lie to you?'”
“What do you think?” she asked us. “Should my husband tell me the truth?”
“What do you want him to do?” we asked. She paused for a long moment.
“I want him to tell me the truth,” she said slowly, “but not like that.”
The woman’s husband is an honest man. He’s also a crude and thoughtless man. Honesty is a wonderful quality, but uncontrolled honesty is like uncontrolled heat—it can injure and even destroy you. In the movie Liar, Liar, Jim Carrey plays an unscrupulous attorney who suddenly finds himself compelled to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. He spends the rest of the movie being slapped, beaten, and humiliated by friend and foe alike. Just for being honest?
Honesty is an excellent virtue, but honesty alone can be brutal. Maybe that’s why the Bible often recommends virtues in pairs. “For this very reason,” Peter writes, “make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love” (2 Peter 1:5-7 ESV). The pursuit of moral virtue should be balanced by the intellectual pursuit of knowledge, and increasing knowledge needs to be tempered by self-control, and so on. One virtue is necessary to moderate and enhance another.
Was it wrong for the woman’s husband to be honest? No, but it was wrong for him to be honest only. His honesty needed to be tempered by another virtue. As Paul expresses it in Ephesians 4:15, we need to speak the truth in love.
Wrapping truth in love
Think of your words as a kind of product, something you hope to sell to someone else. Most products begin their lives in the Engineering Department—that’s where the original concept and design are developed. But once the original design is complete, the product leaves Engineering and goes to Marketing—that’s where decisions are made about how the product should be packaged.
No successful product jumps directly from the Engineering Department to the retail shelf. Imagine breakfast cereals in brown paper sacks, or perfume sold in a jelly jar. Impossible! For some products, such as cosmetics and perfumes, more money is spent on the package than on the product it contains. The product spends more time in Marketing than it does in Engineering.
Why? Because books are always judged by their covers, and perfumes are sold by the sensuous curves of their bottles’, and panty hose are sold because their package is shaped like an egg instead of like everyone else’s boring box. When it comes to the success of a product, packaging is almost everything.
But strangely, when it comes to marital communication packaging is often ignored. If you think of your words as a product, that product should begin its life in Engineering—that’s where you think of the idea you’d like to get across. But once that idea leaves Engineering, it ought to head directly to Marketing—that’s where the idea is given its look and feel.
Paul encourages us to speak the truth in love. In communicating with our partners, truth should supply the content, and love should supply the package. All of us need to become packaging experts because in communication, as in manufacturing, packaging is everything.
On our survey we asked the question, “If you could change one thing about the way your mate argues, what would it be. One woman responded, “I’d change his matter-of-fact way of dealing with conflict. ‘Here’s the problem—Here’s the solution—I’m sorry—Forgive me—Move on—NOW! Don’t drag it out.'” “I’m sorry—Forgive me”—aren’t those the exact words most of us would like to hear in a conflict? What is this woman complaining about? Certainly not the content; this is a complaint about packaging. In fact, we received many complaints on our survey about a partner’s lack of packaging skill. Here are just a few:
I turn off my ability to resolve when he sounds condescending.
Even though she is not yelling, her tone of voice is sometimes saying, “How stupid can you be?”
His body language is too loud and his words are too few, so I can only assume what he wants to communicate.
Criticizing just makes the argument escalate into areas we don’t even need to argue over.
Packaging design is not a spiritual gift; it’s an acquired skill. Like all skills, it requires focus and discipline and repetition to master. And like all skills, it can be improved by observing others who do it well.
A poet once wrote to his one true love, “Let me take you out into my garden, I want my roses to see you.” That’s a packaging expert’s way of saying, “You don’t look half bad today.”
In most cases, it doesn’t take much imagination to see the benefits of speaking the truth in love. Yet we often ignore this critical phase of the manufacturing process, and then when our message fails to win the respect and appreciation we hope for, we can’t imagine what went wrong. Maybe the problem wasn’t with the message at all; maybe it just needed a better package.
In communicating with our partners, truth should supply the content, and love should supply the package. It takes both, working together, to make a successful product. All of us need to become packaging experts, because in communication, as in manufacturing, packaging is everything. Five simple principles can help us become better packagers of the truth.
Choose a package your mate will like. Bringing up a complaint or a concern is sometimes a nasty business, so the goal is to look for the most diplomatic way to do it. Try to introduce a complaint with a praise, express approval before disapproval, point out what was done right before what was done wrong, find fault without assigning blame, and recognize good intentions before pointing out bad actions. The goal is to choose a package your mate will like. Tailor the package to her specific needs and wants, and you’ll find that your words get a much better reception.
Make sure the package fits the product. We make three common errors when we’re first learning the art of package design. Sometimes the package is too small—we’re a little too sparing on our expression of praise or approval. Sometimes the package is too big, and then the gift inside is a bit of a disappointment. Sometimes the package is too transparent, and then our attempt to speak the truth in love looks like empty flattery or manipulation.
Change the package often. The first time you choose to introduce a complaint with a praise, you may be very pleased with the results. Be careful! We tend to think in formulas. A formula mind-set might reason, “Hey, that worked. I should do that again next time.” And it might work the next time—but with slightly less impressive results. Once the approach begins to look like a formula, it loses its genuineness, and if it begins to feel manipulative, it’s certain to make your mate angry.
Take the time to admire a beautiful package. A beautifully wrapped package is a work of art, and art should be admired. Speaking the truth in love requires awareness, discipline, and practice, and that kind of effort deserves recognition. The next time your mate extends a beautifully wrapped gift to you, make sure she’s aware that you noticed. Try “Thank you for saying it that way,” or, “That was a very thoughtful way of putting it.”
Deliver the package! Someone once said, “To love someone and not tell them is like wrapping a beautiful gift but never giving it away.” Speaking the truth in love begins with a change in attitude, but it should not end there. Don’t wait for your next complaint to begin to communicate praise, approval, gratitude, and encouragement. Give away the gifts of gratitude and encouragement frequently and freely.
It finally came to a head one evening when I was making dinner. Noreen was going out with some friends, and I was cooking the one thing I know how to make: over-easy eggs. With one egg on my spatula, I turned toward the table, and Michael held up his plate and said, “Throw it, Dad!” I thought to myself, I can do this.
In one motion I tossed the egg. Noreen turned the corner just in time to see the egg miss the plate and hit our hardwood cabinet, splattering egg yolk everywhere.
The kids gasped, and Noreen’s eyes met mine with a look of Oh no you didn’t. Without thinking, I said, “Michael told me to do it.”
When it comes to dinnertime etiquette, what’s permissible and what’s not? This is a running disagreement Noreen and I have had since we started having kids. I like to have fun at dinner—laughing until milk rushes out of my nose fun. Noreen isn’t opposed to having fun, but she wants to raise gentlemen. She’s terrified at the thought of our boys eating in public or at other people’s homes.
This one issue—what’s appropriate behavior at the dinner table—has caused more turbulence in our marital communication “climate” than any other issue. Really, consider how often you eat dinner.
Two types of conflicts
Relational experts break marital conflict into two broad categories: conflicts that can be resolved and conflicts that can’t and are perpetual. What are the types of issues or conflicts that fall in the irresolvable, perpetual category? You are a spender; your spouse is a saver. You like to have a nice clean house; your spouse has a greater tolerance for clutter. You like to plan your vacation to the last detail; your spouse likes to be spontaneous. You are more interested in sex than your spouse is. Your spouse wants your daughter to play on a travel sports team, while you want her to focus more on school. What makes these issues irresolvable is that no one is clearly wrong or right.
What makes grappling with these reoccurring problems so difficult is the tendency to push back against our spouse’s attempt to resolve the issue in her or his favor. For instance, the more Noreen tries to establish manners at the dinner table, the more I push back and become more carefree. The more she sees me goofing off, the firmer she is with etiquette. Meanwhile, the communication climate diminishes, making it harder to talk effectively about our differences.
Using our reoccurring struggle with dinnertime behavior as a test case, here are three principles that can help you address the issues that keep popping up to disrupt your own marital climate.
More communication is not always the solution to our marital problems. Before a couple dives into delicate relational issues, they ought to place a “Weather Permitting” sign above their heads. If the overall communication of the marriage is not healthy, the chance of their conversation being productive is greatly diminished. After taking an assessment of the conflict, the next step is to take a reading of the climate of your marriage and determine if the climate can support the type of conversation you want to have. If it can’t, you need to carefully set out to improve key aspects of your climate.
Principle 2: Begin with the third story.
In their book Difficult Conversations, professional mediators Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen suggest that most of us make a mistake in attempting to resolve conflict with another person by how we start a conversation.
Often, we start from inside our own story. We describe the problem from our own perspective and, in doing so, trigger just the reactions we hope to avoid. We begin from precisely the place the other person thinks is causing the problem. If they agreed with our story, we probably wouldn’t be having this conversation in the first place.
These experts observe that when two people disagree, there are three stories, not two. Every conflict includes each participant’s story and an invisible third story. They say the third story is “one a keen observer would tell, someone with no stake in your particular problem.”
The key to starting a difficult conversation is to begin with your version of the third story. This means describing the problem between you and your spouse in a way that rings true for both of you.
For example, consider the disagreement Noreen and I have over dinnertime behavior. A third story would perhaps sound like this: “Both of us have dreams for our family that include valuing manners and fun. Each of us wants to raise boys who have discernment and understand what is and is not acceptable behavior at the dinner table. We both see dinner as a time of education and family fun. Neither of us is comfortable with how that balance is currently being played out.”
If the third story is told in a manner that acknowledges the validity of both perspectives, it can be powerfully affirming to both of you and help establish a confirming communication climate. Hopefully from my third story you picked up that both Noreen and I have equally legitimate dreams; both value manners and fun, and each of us wants to raise boys who have discernment. The issue isn’t that fun is more important than manners, but one of balance.
Principle 3: Seek a win-win orientation.
A win-win approach assumes that if you and your spouse are willing, there is a solution to your problem that will be mutually satisfactory. At the heart of this approach is compromise. The term compromise itself originates from the Latin for “middle way.”
That’s what a compromise is, isn’t it? A middle way between the two positions currently held by you and your spouse. A middle way is what Noreen and I needed to forge in our disagreement over dinnertime behavior. A compromise meant that neither of us was going to get exactly what we wanted, and we needed to find a middle way.
After much discussion about table manners, we settled on the following win-win agreement. Whenever Noreen makes a formal dinner and we sit down as a family to eat in the dining room, the Muehlhoff men are to act appropriately. That’s not to say we can’t have fun, but it’s a value to us as parents to raise boys who know what proper dinner decorum is. I needed to realize that adding a little correction to dinner didn’t have to inhibit our fun.
Maintaining healthy climates
It’s extremely important for Noreen to know that I’ve bought into this decision to help the boys learn what acceptable behavior is and that I’m not just sitting by as she does her thing. Conversely, when life is too busy to have a formal dinner and we eat at the kitchen counter or eat while watching ESPN, the atmosphere can get a little crazy and a French fry or two has been known to be launched (eggs are off-limits).
To continue to maintain healthy climates by effectively addressing conflict requires that we learn to embrace God’s forgiveness and pass it on to others. Each of us, sooner or later, will be in the position where we’ll wrestle with the need to forgive those closest to us. Granting forgiveness is often a challenge, but our relationships with those closest to us are well worth the effort.
You know that “Whack a Mole” game at your local kids’ pizza place—the one where the machine pops up plastic moles and your mission is to beat them back down as fast as they pop up? Conflicts in marriage are like that game: They keep popping up even after you think you’ve knocked them down.
Recently my husband and I were in another unwanted skirmish in our marriage. Same topic, same emotions, round gazillion!
I’ve been disappointed many times that our issues are not resolved cleanly. They aren’t black and white.
Over the decades of our marriage, our repeated disagreements have settled into several categories: parenting values, decision making, money, sex, and travel. Victory, a conditional one, was declared in only one of these: parenting, and that was simply because time ran out. The others demand ongoing engagement.
Your own recurring marital battles may be over finances, in-laws, jobs, or other situations. No two marriages battle the same combination of issues. Yet there are similar patterns.
The “we’re traveling too much” conflict was the one that caught us once again last week.
My husband’s mother affectionately called her son a “road runner” after the cute cartoon character that was off in a flash everywhere he went. I thought it was sweet. I should have paid attention to the truth she was speaking.
Not that it would have changed my decision to marry him. But his road-runner enthusiasm for travel, adventure, discovery, and conquering enemy territory has caused more ongoing stress and conflict in our marriage than any of the other areas I mentioned earlier. (By the way, I love to be home.)
Our recent conflict began when I realized we were over-committed. Again. Somehow the schedule monster had eaten up more days than we realized and suddenly we were facing the enemy of miscommunication with no escape. Feelings of mistrust, lack of protection, lack of support, and anxiety resurfaced as we confronted the fact that I need more time at home than he does, and he needs me to go with him, support him, and do life with him. Neither is wrong. It’s what we do with the clash of these colossal differences that matters.
Like peeling an onion
At the core of this conflict, and at the core of any other recurring conflict, is fear. For me it’s fear that I am not really valued for what is important to me. If I perceive that Dennis is constantly scheduling us to the brink, pushing me to my limits, then I come to believe he hasn’t heard me, that he doesn’t get it, and therefore that he doesn’t love me. At the same time, if I refuse to adapt, to grow, to risk the stress of following him, then he perceives that I haven’t heard what he needs, that I don’t get it, and therefore I don’t really care about him as a person.
Rather than declaring victory, it’s like peeling the layers of an onion. Each time we clash over this issue, and others, we are in different circumstances in our lives. I needed margins for different reasons 20 years ago when I was parenting full time. He needed my partnership for different reasons, too. Each conversation can peel another layer off our individual coverings so that we can see ourselves and our spouses more clearly than we did before. Our perceptions of ourselves and of each other are vastly flawed. We forget that most of the time.
So while I don’t believe we declared victory this time, that we’ll never argue or disagree over travel ever again, I do believe we peeled away another layer. I see more clearly that I need to work on my attitude about following my husband, that I need to rejoice that my husband wants me with him, and that I should trust God with this situation that He has given me for my good.
During a recent snow storm, our office building closed for the day. Dennis and I decided to enjoy every minute of the glittering, snow-covered day, so we donned our winter gear and went hiking in the woods. On the way back, which was all uphill, I paused to catch my breath. As we stood there panting, my husband said to me, “I’m not going to push you anymore.” It had nothing to do with the travel issues, but I realized in that promise that he had heard my words to him. He allowed me to be who I was in that moment—needing a pause in the action when he didn’t.
Next time you are chopping an onion, remember that those layers represent more than a pungent cooking ingredient. To the one who perseveres in marriage, each layer pulled back takes you closer to the heart. Though often accompanied by tears, as happens with onions, the progress made is satisfying.
One of the most interesting passages of Scripture to me is Matthew 22:35-40, where Jesus was asked, “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” Jesus answered that the two foundational commandments in the Bible are, 1) “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind”; and 2) “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
That’s what the Bible really is about, isn’t it? It tells us about how to relate to God and how to relate to other people. You could read through any section of Scripture and ask yourself two questions:
“What does this passage tell me about my need to love God with all my heart and soul and mind?”
“What does this tell me about loving my neighbor?”
And now let me ask you: Who is your closest neighbor?
If you are married, your closest neighbor is your spouse.
Do you see where I’m going with this? If one of the primary themes of the Bible is relating to your neighbor, and your closest neighbor is your spouse, then the Scriptures have a lot more to say about marriage than many people realize.
In the same way, the Bible has a lot more to say about family than many of us realize. After all, your next closest neighbors are probably your children, your parents, and other extended family members.
So when I read in Matthew 6:14-15 about my need to forgive others, I need to apply that to my marriage and family.
When Colossians 3:8 tells me to put aside “anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth,” I need to examine myself and ask how I talk to my wife and children.
As you read through the Scriptures over the next few weeks, look for ways to apply biblical truths to your relationships at home. After all, if your faith doesn’t work in the context of your family relationships, where will it work?
Late in the evening one Wednesday night, we got a call from Molly. “We desperately need your help. Can we come over?” And over she came with her husband, Allen. Over coffee and doughnuts, Molly shared what the problem was. According to her, Allen wasn’t leading the family well. For the first five minutes, Molly told us everything that Allen was doing wrong and the great efforts she’s put in to change him. Allen was silent.
At that time the evening got interesting. My wife asked Molly a question: “You’ve told us about Allen. Why don’t you tell us what you’ve contributed to the problem?” Offended and put off, Molly insisted that she had done everything she could do to fix Allen … the rest was up to him.
Then Allen finally spoke: “I’m doing the best I can, but my best is never good enough for her.” Whether that was true or not, the pain in the statement reverberated throughout our kitchen. But even louder was the silence that followed. He had nothing else to say … nothing.
Amidst the various shortcomings on both their parts, Molly’s entire focus was on Allen. Even in our conversation, the well-intended efforts to help the marriage have been on fixing him … not in recognizing her contributions to the issue. And, in his own passive and quiet way, Allen blamed Molly and her lack of cooperation for the failures in their marriage instead of looking to himself. Molly and Allen have fallen into the blame trap.
The problem for all of us
There is a blame trap awaiting us all in marriage. When a problem or a conflict arises, we are poised to fall directly into it … and we often do. We blame our spouses for the problem and then either blatantly accuse them or passively set out to fix them. We may even pray, but we pray that God will fix them, convict them of their sin, or cause them to repent.
In this posture, we will never experience the unity and victory God desires. Why? Because the blame trap never works. But in spite of its repeated failure, it is still the first course of action that most marriages take. One look, many years back, will give us all a great example.
What happened after eating the fruit
Before the fall of man in the Garden of Eden, the world was sinless. The first set of sins are well known and well recorded: eating the fruit from the forbidden tree. However, what about the second set of sins? Take a look at the scene just after the eating of the fruit:
[God] said … “Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” The man said, “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.” Then the LORD God said to the woman, “What is this that you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate” (Genesis 3:11-13).
Eve ate the fruit; we know that, and she knew that. Adam ate the fruit; we know that, and he knew that. However, when God asked each directly if they had eaten of the fruit, both Adam and Eve denied responsibility. And so, the second set of sins were committed—blaming another instead of looking to oneself.
Solomon tells us there is nothing new under the sun (Ecclesiastes 1:9). As old as the second set of sins is, we still repeat them today. Molly and Allen are perfect examples. Each needed to accept responsibility for his or her own actions and attitudes and leave the spouse’s responsibility up to him or her. They needed to avoid the blame trap … and so do we.
Falling into the blame trap
Man or woman, old or young, rich or poor, we all fall into the blame trap in the same way. Regardless of circumstance or actual facts, it is always much easier to deal with a problem if someone else is to blame. Then the responsibility is on him or her to fix it, to change, or to apologize. If only Allen would lead!” “If only Molly would follow!”
We blame others to bring ourselves comfort from guilt or responsibility.We blame others to protect ourselves and make things better for us. And we think once the blame is shifted away from us that we are better off. The fact is … we’re not.
Blaming others helps the guilt go away, but hurt, bitterness, and anger often fill its place. We’re trading responsibility for our own actions and receiving a manifold return of disaster. No matter how you look at it, the blame trap is the wrong way to handle conflict.
A better alternative
Wherever there is a wrong way of doing things, there is always a right way. First Corinthians 10:13 gives great comfort to couples who find themselves in this scenario. It says, “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” Having removed the blame trap from your arsenal, God will provide a way out … a better way.
In any conflict, especially marital conflicts, it is essential that we examine ourselves. This does not mean that your spouse has no blame. All it means is that the blame that rests with your spouse is not yours to deal with. That is between him and God.
Self-examination is the better way. Consider Romans 12:18: “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” In this list of godly wisdom and commands given to followers of Jesus (Romans 12:9-21), this strangely ambiguous one fits neatly. With phrases like “if possible” and “so far as it depends on you,” it admits that you cannot make others live at peace with you any more than you can make others do what you think they should do. But at the same time, it turns the focus and responsibility of interpersonal conflict on you personally. It says, “In any conflict, make sure you are doing all you can to live at peace.”
So when Molly and Allen sat across our table, the best we could do was to first turn them away from each other and toward a “mirror.” We had to help them deal with the problems they saw in the mirror first (James 1:22-25). Then, we helped them see the interpersonal dynamics in their marriage.
When we accept the calling and the challenge to focus first and primarily on our own responsibilities and blame, we are given a gift from God. It’s called humility. With humility comes grace to give away, patience to spend, and love that understands. We realize that few are the conflicts with just one culprit and many are the conflicts with many. We realize just how much our marriages need the work and grace of Jesus.
As a result of this humility, we argue less, love more and seek understanding—not victory. And all of this comes just from avoiding the blame trap and actively pursuing another way—a better way.
A real-life story
One couple got it right and reaped the benefits. Wendy and Rick were a young married couple. Shortly after their wedding, Rick went into a long stretch of unemployment. They were forced to live on her salary only, which put them in an awful financial position.
Daily, Wendy would push Rick to apply for this job or that position. The harder she pushed, the less he would do. In just 12 months, they drifted from happy newlyweds to live-in combatants.
At a quick glance, the main issue seemed to be Rick’s unemployment. If they just resolved that, they’d be fine. This was the basis for Wendy’s complaints and constant prodding. And since Rick wouldn’t fix the problem, the blame seemed to rest squarely on his shoulders. But a closer look revealed a more complex picture.
Wendy was not better off for falling into the blame trap. In fact, once she fell in, she realized that Rick only got worse not better, and she was growing more and more bitter. The thinly veiled promise of improvement quickly gave way to the awful effects of the blame trap—rather than improve the problem, the blame trap compounds it.
Examining their own contributions
In order for Wendy and Rick to address the actual marital issues on the table, they both needed to examine their contributions … not their spouse’s contributions. After much prayer, patience, and many repeated visits, they began to see the value of self-examination and are doing much better. In fact, once their relationship started to be transformed by avoiding the blame trap, Rick found a job.
Just like Wendy, when you blame your spouse and try to change him or her, you are filling a role never intended for you. If real change happens on the inside, at a deeply personal and heart level, then it takes the Holy Spirit to change a person’s heart. When we try to do it without Him, we are trying to be Him—a dangerous task under any circumstances.
If we will be wise enough to look at our own role in any matter, especially marital conflict, we will be dealing directly with God. He will be working on our own hearts and we will give Him the room to work on our spouses’ hearts.
The simplest conflicts are the disagreements where one of you is just plain wrong. You got the facts wrong, or you forgot, or—to be honest—you just didn’t care. Though we sometimes fight even when we know we’re wrong, our better side usually gets the best of us and sooner or later we own up to it. Sorry about that, I was wrong, you were right.
The more difficult conflicts are the ones in which you’re both right. These disagreements are harder to resolve because neither one of you wants to let go—but then, neither one of you needs to. At its worst, conflict is when you demonstrate your selfishness, arrogance, and sheer mule-headedness. But at its best, conflict is when you both express what you really believe in—and, in the process, come to a better understanding of one another.
Throughout our married life, we have often disagreed in our approach to raising our kids. Joy thought our son should wear his bicycle helmet to simply ride around the block; Tim thought it was an unnecessary nuisance for such a short distance. Joy thought we should remind the kids to take a jacket when they went out; Tim thought they should learn to remember for themselves, and a little frostbite just might do the trick. Joy thought we should install Internet filtering software on our home computer to protect the kids from accidentally going to inappropriate sites; Tim thought the kids should know that the sites were there, but develop the self-control to not visit them. At times, we seemed to disagree about everything.
A single fundamental difference
Over time, we began to realize that our individual disagreements were like the leaves on a tree, obscuring the trunk behind it. Our disagreements about helmets and jackets and software were all the result of a single fundamental difference between us. When it came to the children, Joy instinctively placed their security above all else, and Tim instinctively valued their autonomy—their need to take risk in order to grow in confidence and capability.
What could possibly be wrong with valuing a child’s security?
And what could be wrong with valuing a child’s autonomy?
The problem is that we’re both right.
It took years of lengthy “discussions” before we finally realized two critical things: that we were not really battling about bicycle helmets and jackets and computers at all, and that we were really on the same side. We just chose different paths to a common goal: a mature and thriving child.
Did we have other blind spots?
Once we understood that the issue of security was the underlying cause of many of our disagreements, we began to search for other hidden causes. Was it possible that there were more fundamental issues like this, more instinctive blind spots that were the root of our other disagreements?
Sure enough, others began to emerge, and after many more discussions we were finally able to identify seven fundamental differences between us.
Then we began to discuss our conclusions with other couples and ask if they had observed a similar phenomenon in their own marriages. We asked each couple, “Are there recurring areas of conflict in your marriage—areas that you seem to come back to over and over again? Are there topics you can almost predict you’ll disagree on?” In each case, we encouraged them to try to identify what they were really fighting about.
To our surprise, we found that other couples had recurring disagreements over the very same seven issues we did.
Our next step was to test our theory with a larger audience. Over the next two years, as we traveled and spoke at marriage conferences across the country, we began to take a survey with our audiences. We asked more than a thousand couples a series of questions about their own experiences with conflict, and wherever we went our findings were consistent. There seem to be seven common underlying issues that are the root cause of most of the conflict in married life.
We call them security, loyalty, responsibility, caring, order, openness, and connection.
One of us must be crazy
By this time in your marriage, the two of you have probably negotiated and compromised on an exhausting number of minor preferences and desires. But have you noticed that a handful of stubborn disagreements still remain, and that those issues seem to crop up again and again with discouraging regularity? Like ancient Rome, all roads lead to them. No matter what topic begins the disagreement, sooner or later you find yourselves on familiar ground. “Oh no, not this again!”
Recurring conflicts are a reality for all married couples, and they are a source of ongoing frustration and discouragement. Their very existence is annoying. Couples feel they should have resolved their differences by this time, and their failure to do so must mean something is wrong between them.
Not at all.
Couples often wonder if these unresolved issues reveal some secret weakness in their spouse or their marriage. Each begins to suspect the other of immaturity, pride, or sheer pigheadedness. They know that whenever the subject shifts to one of those topics, there will be no resolution. They will end up, as always, in an angry stalemate, burying the disagreement like toxic waste until it surfaces again another day.
Understanding the differences that divide
Aren’t these hidden issues destined to be perpetual? Because of our fundamental differences, aren’t we doomed to repeat these disagreements over and over again in different forms? And if they won’t go away why bother to talk about them at all?
The reason we need to talk about the issues of security, loyalty, responsibility, caring, order, openness and connection is precisely because they won’t go away. They’re always there, and they always matter. Your different approaches to these issues represent much more than differences of opinion; it’s a battle of dreams, and dreams die hard.
If you feel like having Italian food for dinner but your mate prefers Chinese, you might be merely disappointed; but if you have a deep, pervasive longing to build a safe, secure home, and your mate is not cooperating, you’ll be much more than disappointed. When these seven underlying issues are simply avoided and left to fester, they can produce an underlying atmosphere of anger, bitterness, and resentment.
But if we do talk about them, since they’re not going to just disappear, what can we really hope to accomplish? Perhaps the best way to answer this question is by telling you what understanding these differences did for us.
1. Understanding our hidden issues helped us to identify our dreams.
Remember, dreams are often hidden issues. It would be very helpful in a marriage if a husband would simply say to his wife, “I should warn you that I’m extremely sensitive about issues of Loyalty. It’s a dream of mine to have an unwaveringly loyal wife.”
Unfortunately, he may be consciously unaware of his sensitivity altogether; he might not even be aware of what loyalty really entails. But just wait until the first argument about the in-laws—then the dream will go to work, lurking in the background, fueling the anger and confusion and frustration. The problem is that this husband and wife may go on forever believing that they’re fighting about the in-laws, never recognizing that the underlying concern is really all about loyalty.
Identifying our underlying differences allows us to ignore the diversion created by a hundred minor disagreements and talk about the real issue. “What do you long for? What is your mental image of how marriage ought to be? How do you think kids should be raised? Tell me about your dreams.”
2. Understanding our hidden issues helped us to put our differences in perspective.
When it came to rearing the kids, one moment we thought that we disagreed about everything, from allowances to curfews to appropriate forms of discipline. Suddenly we understood that we only disagreed about one thing, but that one issue influenced our approach to dozens of others. That understanding alone changed our self-perception, from a couple who could never seem to agree, to a couple with only a handful of fundamental differences. That change in perspective allowed us to shift our focus from the superficial symptoms to the underlying disease.
3. Understanding our hidden issues helped us to understand each other’s true motives.
Joy was concerned about the children’s safety, but Tim didn’t seem to care if they got hurt. Tim wanted the kids to grow to independence, but Joy seemed to want to keep them tied to her apron strings. The other’s perspective seemed so selfish and short-sighted that it naturally produced anger in each of us. Why don’t you care what happens to the kids? We both cared, of course; we both wanted the best for the kids, but that was hard to believe. Understanding the underlying conflict allowed us see the other’s motives in a completely different light.
4. Understanding our hidden issues helped us to anticipate conflicts before they occurred.
As we said earlier, couples learn which topics are most likely to generate a conflict and “rope off” those areas as if they were minefields. But the problem with a minefield is that the dangers lie buried, so the explosions are often unexpected. We begin by discussing bicycle helmets, and before we know it, it’s a full-fledged argument. How did that happen?
Once we understood each other’s underlying dreams, we could look for other issues that might be influenced by those same dreams. That allowed us to take a proactive approach to our differences rather than always having to clean up messes and bandage wounds later on. We knew where we were likely to disagree, and we could be ready for it.
5. Understanding our hidden issues helped us to work together as partners instead of battling as foes.
Once we understood each other’s dreams, once we each realized what the other person was valuing, our attitudes changed. We wanted to help fulfill the other’s dreams rather than stubbornly defend our own turf. That change in attitude has allowed us to work together as partners instead of constantly shouting at each other from opposite sides of the fence.
Dreams die hard, but your dreams don’t have to die at all. The presence of conflict in your marriage is not a condemnation. It simply means that you have dreams—that you are human beings and that there are things you long for, things you truly believe in. The question is, how will you believe in them together? How will you honor each other’s dreams, even when they sometimes conflict? You know what to do when one of you is wrong; what will you do when both of you are right?
After five years, Becky Zerbe said she felt she had “lasted as long as I could in my marriage.” She packed a bag for herself and her 14-month-old son and drove to her parents’ home to tell her mother why she was leaving her husband.
Her mother listened patiently and said that, no matter what she decided, they would help her. “But before you leave Bill,” she said, “I have one task for you to complete.”
First she told Becky to take a pen and paper and, on the left side, write a list of Bill’s shortcomings. This is going to be easy, Becky thought as she began.
Bill never picked his clothes off the floor. He never told me when he was going outside. He slept in church. He had embarrassing, nasty habits such as blowing his nose or belching at the dinner table. He never bought me nice presents. He refused to match his clothes. He was tight with money. He wouldn’t help with the housework. He didn’t talk with me.
The list went on and on until I’d filled the page. I certainly had more than enough evidence to prove that no woman would be able to live with this man.
The second list
Becky figured her mother would then tell her to write a list of Bill’s good qualities to the right of the first list. But to her surprise, her mother said, “I already know Bill’s good qualities. Instead, for each item on the left side, I want you to write how you respond. What do you do?”
This was even tougher than listing his good qualities. … I hadn’t considered thinking about myself. I knew Mom wasn’t going to let me get by without completing her assignment. So I had to start writing.
I’d pout, cry, and get angry. I’d be embarrassed to be with him. I’d act like a “martyr.” I’d wish I’d married someone else. I’d give him the silent treatment. I’d feel I was too good for him. The list seemed endless.
When she finished, her mother took some scissors and cut the paper in half. She threw the list of Bill’s bad qualities in the trash and gave Becky the other half. “Becky,” she said, “take this list back to your house. Spend today reflecting on these things in your life. Pray about them. I’ll keep the baby until this afternoon. If you sincerely do what I ask and still want to leave Bill, Dad and I will do all we can to assist you.”
As Becky reflected that afternoon on how she had responded to her husband’s shortcomings, she was horrified.
I saw a record of petty behaviors, shameful practices, and destructive responses. I spent the next several hours asking God for forgiveness. I requested strength, guidance, and wisdom in the changes I needed to make. As I continued to pray, I realized how ridiculously I’d behaved. I could barely remember the transgressions I’d written for Bill. How absurd could I be? There was nothing immoral or horrible on that list. I’d honestly been blessed with a good man—not a perfect one, but a good one.
I thought back five years. I’d made a vow to Bill. I would love and honor him in sickness and health. I’d be with him for better or for worse. I said those words in the presence of God, my family, and friends. Yet only this morning, I’d been ready to leave him for trivial annoyances.
I jumped back in the car and drove to my parents’ house. … When I picked up my son, I was dismayed by how willing I’d been to make such a drastic change in his life. My pettiness almost cost him the opportunity to be exposed daily to a wonderful father.
A wise mother
You can read the rest of the story in Becky’s wonderful article, “The List That Saved My Marriage” She tells it much better than I do. And you’ll see why the article has inspired so many people since it was first published in Marriage Partnership magazine in 2005.
Becky was fortunate to have a wise mother who pushed her to fulfill her marriage vows. In similar situations, many parents do the opposite. Saddened and upset by the pain their children feel, they do little to stop a divorce that could be prevented. But Genesis 2:24 tells us, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” This mom knew her daughter needed to hold fast to her husband.
Even more important, she knew that Becky needed to recognize her own shortcomings and failures. In any type of dispute, it’s common to focus so much on the other person’s faults that you overlook or discount your own. But this mom, again, was not normal—she forced her daughter to confront her own sins and her own culpability in a lifeless marriage.
Becky and her husband went on to enjoy many years of marriage. They were tragically killed in an automobile accident in November of 2005, but through the power of the internet her words and legacy live on. Thanks to a wise mother.
Remember the stories your parents read to you at bedtime?
One of my favorites was, Are You My Mother?, by P.D. Eastman, a classic children’s book. Just seeing the cover sends memories flooding back. Now I get the privilege of reading it—and other favorites like Goodnight Moon or Blueberries for Sal—to my grandchildren.
Reading a good book with a child nuzzled underneath your neck is magical. The child hangs on every new word found on the pages, while the adult absorbs every moment of cuddling such innocence. It creates a bond that is enjoyed as tattered pages are turned and the wonder of imagination and discovery is sparked by words, hand-drawn illustrations, and creative story lines.
As Gladys Hunt puts it in one of my favorite books about reading to children, Honey for a Child’s Heart, “Children don’t stumble onto good books by themselves; they must be introduced to the wonder of words put together in such a way that they spin out pure joy and magic.”
The importance of a good book
Being intentional is a parent’s job. We intentionally plan healthy meals, choose the best school, church, and play activities for our children’s growth. Selecting and reading the best books is equally important.
To introduce our children to the pleasure of words goes beyond the pure enjoyment of reading. Good books spark imagination and creativity. They teach, guide, and model excellence in wise living.
Even Proverbs speaks of this truth, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.” What a delightful, happy parenting task this is.
One of my favorite parenting memories is the year we read all eight of the Little House on the Prairie books by Laura Ingalls Wilder. Most afternoons I put my two littlest ones down for naps and the four big kids and I piled on the couch. Rebecca nestled on my lap; the others leaned in with heads on shoulders, legs folded snuggly into couch cushions.
Every time we ended a chapter, they begged for just one more. I often agreed because I loved reading these remarkable stories as much as my kids enjoyed hearing them. We laughed and cried together. And we bonded in those hours.
The overwhelming majority of that season of my life was filled with the hard work of meals, laundry, discipline, training, and endless messes to clean up. But our afternoons of reading were pure pleasure. They were an escape for all of us into another time and another world. Our souls were fed together.
They’re never too old
Reading magic isn’t over once your child is too big to climb up on your knees. When my youngest two were teens I sat with them against their twin bed headboards and read The Hiding Place to them, a chapter every night.
The Hiding Place, by Corrie ten Boom, tells about a family that hid Jews from the Nazis during World War II. A story like this—of courageous faith, of making right choices no matter what the cost—not only helps your children make their own faith decisions, it puts their own problems and normal teen angst into perspective. It’s hard to stay grumpy when you’re snuggled in a warm bed with clean sheets while listening to Corrie describe sleeping in wooden barracks on flea-infested straw in the Ravensbruck concentration camp.
This book prompted discussions about all kinds of big ideas because of the characters and messages that were presented in the story. I didn’t have to ask, “So what do you think about trusting God when it feels too unfair and too difficult?” They got to watch and feel and hear and see a real person live out her faith when it felt impossible.
All thanks to a well told story, kept alive in the pages of a book.
The power to evoke emotion and a sense of spiritual conviction
The right kind of books can give us the experience of words, which have power to evoke emotion and a sense of spiritual conviction. Well-written books will reinforce the values and morals you want to impart to your children. They help you parent well.
A good book “introduces us to people and places we wouldn’t ordinarily know. A good book is a magic gateway into a wider world of wonder, beauty, delight, and adventure,” Hunt says.
And don’t forget audio books. For many summers on our annual road trips to see grandparents we listened to The Chronicles of Narnia as a family as we rode in the car for hours on end. Time went by more quickly and we had far fewer squabbles to settle because everyone was absorbed in the adventures of Peter, Susan, Edmond, and Lucy.
Summertime is a great time to emphasize reading. Your kids are home. You have the gift of precious extra hours together. And I know you need something to fill that time!
Here are some of the favorite books I read to my children, divided by age group:
Books for children age 2-6
Goodnight Moon (0-3), by Margaret Wise Brown
The Tale of Peter Rabbit and other Beatrix Potter books (2-4)
Mother Goose nursery rhymes (2-5)
Blueberries for Sal and Make Way for Ducklings, by Robert McCloskey
The Cat in the Hat (2-6), by Dr. Seuss
Madeline (rhyming book, 4-8), by Ludwig Bemelmans
A Child’s Garden of Verses (poems and rhymes, 2-6), by Robert Louis Stevenson
Alexander and the Terrible No Good Very Bad Day (4-7+), by Judith Viorst
Frog and Toad books by Arnold Lobel
Books for children 7-12
Dr. Seuss books (the more advanced reading levels)
Amelia Bedelia books by Peggy Parish
Little House on the Prairie (series of 9 books) by Laura Ingalls Wilder
Charlotte’s Web, The Trumpeter Swan, Stuart Little, by E.B.White
The Secret Garden, by Frances Hodgson Burnett
The Princess and the Goblin, and The Princess and Curdie, by George MacDonald
The Chronicles of Narnia series (wonderful as audio books too), by C.S. Lewis
A Wrinkle in Time, by Madeline L’Engle
Hans Brinker and the Silver Skates, by Hans Christian Andersen
Books for children 13-17
The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings series, by J.R.R. Tolkien
The Hiding Place, by Corrie ten Boom
Anne of Green Gables, by Lucy Maud Montgomery (the 1985 TV series is also good)
God’s Smuggler, by Brother Andrew
Byzantium, by Stephen Lawhead
Nicholas and Alexandra, by Robert Massie
For more ideas, order Gladys Hunt’s book, Honey for a Child’s Heart or the version for teens, Honey for a Teen’s Heart. And check out your local library for incentives they may offer, carefully guiding your child’s book selections. Not all books are good books.
Pedro Ruiz III and his girlfriend, Monalisa Perez, filmed a number of pranks in an effort to attract a YouTube audience. In their final video, she fired a bullet at a book that he held, thinking the bullet wouldn’t make it through the thick volume. The stunt went predictably wrong, and now she’s been charged with manslaughter.
“I really have no idea what they were thinking,” Sheriff Jeremy Thornton of Norman County, Minnesota, told the New York Times. “I just don’t understand the younger generation on trying to get their 15 minutes of fame.”
What promise of an online following would prompt the couple to try such a risky prank? Did they think they would attract hundreds of thousands of followers? Millions? Sadly, even after news of the tragedy directed digital rubberneckers to their YouTube channel, their traffic was just a small fraction of that.
Even more sad, the most popular of those videos took the audience to a doctor’s office for a sonogram that revealed that they were expecting a boy, their second child. Now two children will be growing up without a daddy, and perhaps without a mom if she loses custody.
Stories like this highlight a growing trend of people looking for fame through YouTube videos and other digital activities. In a celebrity-crazy culture, the attention and significance many people are desperate for seem attainable through fame.
Global community
Kids and young adults are growing up in a very different world than their parents and grandparents, who grew up with only radio and television. For the current generation, life is at their fingertips and the world has become as small as the device they can hold in their hands. They’re part of a global community, and while digital tools offer the potential for widespread fame, a person with a small following can feel insignificant amidst a worldwide web of billions.
In contrast, their parents and grandparents had a list of friends that probably numbered in the dozens. The people they knew were the ones they saw in their church, their high school, their neighborhoods. People with whom they spent real face time on a regular basis.
Today, FaceTime is a mobile app, and teens are likely to have hundreds of friends or followers on Facebook, Instagram, SnapChat, and Twitter. Yet they only see a fraction of these friends face-to-face.
Connection to the global community also puts them in contact with a growing multitude of people who seek attention and fame. Many share the highlights of their virtual lives for everyone to view and compare.
A recent survey on fame found that one in four Millennials say they would quit their job for notoriety. Nearly 10 percent consider fame a more important goal than a college degree or relationship with family. The desire to be known is often more important than the desire to be successful.
Being spotted in a crowd
Millennials have also grown up under the influence of the reality show culture. Hardly had the calendar page turned from 1999 to the new millennium than TV viewers saw an explosion of reality television programming—of regular, real people doing unreal things. It began to offer a measure of fame for the everyman. Consider some of the landmark shows.
Fear Factor (debuted 2001). People were willing to do all manner of dangerous stunts and other unthinkable things to win their 15 minutes of fame and a few thousand dollars in cash. The show piggybacked on the popularity of Survivor, which started just before the turn of the new millennium.
The Bachelor(ette) (debuted in 2002/2003). Grandma and Grandpa may have watched beautiful people win and lose in love through their favorite soap opera characters, but in the new millennium, it’s real people in real time.
The Apprentice (debuted in 2004). Think about it: even this generation’s president is a former reality star.
Keeping Up With the Kardashians (debuted in 2007). Here’s a show essentially started by a woman who wanted her family to be famous. Now it’s a long-running cultural obsession about everything these sisters say and do. It’s not because Kim and company are especially skilled or wise or anything like that. They have just managed their following well.
Shows like these reinforce the idea that “anyone can become a star.” Newer digital tools allow people to create videos or podcasts that could potentially reach large numbers. Many have created video channels or blogs in order to benefit others. But more frequently the content is just a means to the ultimate end of being known.
Fewer face-to-face conversations
And while online relationships have become a focus of the virtual culture, live relationships have taken a back seat. A recent Pew research study found that more than half of respondents will text a friend daily, but fewer than a third have regular face-to-face conversations on a regular basis.
According to a recent article in the American Journal of Preventative Medicine, connecting via social media doesn’t provide the meaningful connection of live conversation. In fact, it may have the opposite effect. Those who spent more time connecting online perceived greater social isolation than those who spent time with fewer people face to face.
Those who seek fame are focusing on just one aspect of interpersonal connection. The allure of the world and its approval is as old as mankind. Jesus taught us not to worry about what we don’t have that others do, but to put our priorities in line.
As Matthew 6:31-33 tells us, “Do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”
Created to connect
But there’s a deeper need for connection in each of us. The desire to be known and acknowledged is built into our very makeup as human beings. God created each person with unique gifts and abilities—some that are valued by the culture and others that aren’t.
We may be tempted to reject our gifting if it’s not valued by the culture or our peer group. Some people cannot recognize their gifting because they are too busy trying to emulate someone with different gifts or abilities. Or they’re trying to impress others by being someone other than who they authentically are.
Psalm 139 makes it clear that God knows and cares more about you than you do about yourself. Knowing the One who created you, and developing a personal relationship with Him, helps free you up to be yourself and to make contributions in the lives of others. Seeking fame for fame’s sake is like trying to get rich off the lottery—you’re likely to invest way more than you will ever get back.
Proverbs 22 also gives a lot of perspective. It begins and ends with admonitions to focus on who you are and what God created you to be. That’s what will get people’s attention and cause them to remember you.
A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches, and favor is better than silver or gold. … Do you see a man skillful in his work? He will stand before kings; he will not stand before obscure men. (Proverbs 22:1, 29)
The ultimate goal in life is not to be remembered. It’s to walk with God and enjoy His approval. Any 15 minutes of fame pales in comparison to His eternal reward and hearing Him say, “Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:23).
The first time that I saw Cynthia, she was standing in the cafeteria line at Columbia Bible College (now known as Columbia International University). Until I arrived on campus in the fall of 1973, she was the only African American attending the college.
She told me that she was excited to have someone of color there to talk to … to understand some of the challenges she was going through. And I was sure happy to see her! She had a certain glow about her—a sense of warmth and joy that made me want to know her.
It didn’t take long for Cynthia and me to discover that we had a lot in common, even though I was from Alabama and she was from Pennsylvania. We were both from moderate-income families and our parents had never been divorced. And we were both followers of Jesus Christ.
Neither Cynthia nor I began college with any intentions of marriage. We both went there for an education. But we enjoyed being together and had a lot in common. Before we graduated, I asked Cynthia to be my wife.
Looking back, it was easy for us to fall in love. But staying in love, well … that takes hard work.
Now married for almost four decades, some have asked us, “What’s the secret to your marriage’s success?” Like all couples, Cynthia and I have had many ups and downs. If we were not Christians, there were times that I’m not sure we would have made it.
Over the years, we’ve discovered some principles for a successful marriage. Here are eight of them, in no particular order:
1. Don’t put your marriage on a pedestal.
Every marriage struggles with shortcomings. In the early years of our marriage, I thought that we were supposed to be an almost perfect model for others. But I quickly learned that people don’t need to see a flawless marriage. They need to see a couple asking for God’s help as they deal with their shortcomings and weaknesses.
When God brings two sinful people together, it’s war. But God is the God of the supernatural, and He gives us the wisdom and strength to make a relationship work.
Our children don’t see me as perfect dad or Cynthia and me as the perfect couple. They need to see us dealing with our imperfections so they will know how to deal with their own imperfections.
2. Do for your spouse what you want him or her to do for you.
Consider the consequences of your words and actions. Ask yourself how you would want to be spoken to, or treated, or cared for. And then do those things.
The Bible paraphrase, The Message, says in Luke 6:37-38, “Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults—unless, of course, you want the same treatment. Don’t condemn those who are down; that hardness can boomerang. Be easy on people; you’ll find life a lot easier. Give away your life; you’ll find life given back, but not merely given back—given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity.”
3. Recognize your differences and be willing to defer to one another.
Your spouse is not just like you. Learn to live with your differences.
When I was growing up, we didn’t have family meals, but Cynthia’s family did. Every night they ate together around the table. In my home it was every person for himself.
Today I really don’t care if we eat together as a family. But it’s important to Cynthia, so I defer to her. You see, there’s a lot of give and take in a healthy marriage.
So instead of dwelling on how different you are from your spouse, think about the things you have in common. And be willing to give up your preferences for one another.
4. Remember that deep friendship is a key to true intimacy.
These days, you see a lot of sex in the media, as though it’s the glue to a lasting marriage. But sex is not the key to an enduring bond between a husband and wife. You have to become friends first.
And what do friends do? They spend time together doing things they both enjoy. When you see Cynthia or me, you usually see the other. And at the end of the day, we try to look at each other and remember, You are my friend.
5. Love unconditionally, the way God loves you.
The only way that you can unreservedly love your spouse is by putting Jesus Christ at the center of your relationship. He can help you care for your spouse without expecting anything in return (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
I like to compare God’s agapelove in marriage to flying an airplane. The reason the plane overcomes gravity is because it’s built according to the laws of aerodynamics (the way air moves around things). What happens if the plane loses power? The natural law of gravity will take over and the plane will begin to fall.
Likewise, in marriage, the moment you stop relying on God to help your marriage is the moment the natural law of selfishness takes over. The result? Division … and too often, divorce.
6. Don’t think that you are above sin.
You are a sinner, just like every human being. But be encouraged. Jesus was tempted just like you and me. He wants to help us escape temptation (1 Corinthians 10:13).
Cynthia and I have faced challenges—we are selfish like anyone else. We often have to humble ourselves and ask each other for forgiveness.
But I don’t focus on the struggles, the weaknesses, or even the strengths in my marriage. Instead, I try to park on the sufficiency of God’s grace.
7. Love each other without demands.
When couples bring rules into a marriage—”This is your responsibility, not mine,” or “I’ve done my part, now you do yours”—that usually reflects a loss of intimacy. Dr. Howard Hendricks, who was a beloved professor at Dallas Theological Seminary, said the more intimate the relationship, the fewer the rules that are necessary to regulate the relationship.
True love is not demanding. It does not keep score or consider who does more work. In the Gant household, when either of us sees something that needs to be done, we do it.
I fill the dishwasher; Cynthia fills the dishwasher. We cook meals together. Cynthia does sewing and makes our window treatments, and I hang them. We do yardwork together (Cynthia likes to mow and I like to trim), and we shop together. We have an unusual commonality.
8. Do not get into debt.
Cynthia and I have chosen to have a simple lifestyle, and that philosophy has transferred to our children. They haven’t seen us constantly battling over things that are here today and gone tomorrow.
Part of our commitment has been to live without debt. We have no credit card debt. No car debt. One car is 16 years old, another is 10 years old, and they get us where we need to go.
We just made choices to live with less and are glad we did. It makes for a more peaceful life.
After almost four decades of marriage, I can say from experience that Jesus Christ can bring true unity into any relationship. Cynthia and I attribute the success of our marriage to that.
And we believe that, with Christ’s help, our marriage will be even better tomorrow … and then the day after that.
“For many married couples, praying together is a real challenge. It is personal, intimate, and it feels private. Sometimes we don’t know what to do [in prayer], or how to engage with each other.”
My friend Randy recently wrote those words in an email, urging my fiancé and me to sign up for FamilyLife’s 30-Day Oneness Prayer Challenge. Struck by Randy’s words, Janet and I accepted his challenge and are now receiving a short devotional from FamilyLife along with a set of prayers to pray together.
You see, I know from experience that prayer is not optional if you want to have a successful relationship. I now recognize that a lack of spiritual intimacy is often the first indicator of an underlying problem in a relationship.
Through the ups and downs of my life, I’ve discovered four things men can do when initiating prayer:
1. Commit to pray regularly. Jesus was a leader and He prayed. Jesus was a success and He prayed. Whatever idea or model you may have of what makes a man “a man,” if it does not include prayer, it is, at best, incomplete. A marriage without prayer is like putting water in your gas tank—the car won’t go very far.
Husbands, do you want to be known as a success or a failure? Do you want to be seen as a follower or a leader? Then you need to commit to pray, and pray with passion!
2. Take a stand. You must decide within yourself that you will do what you know you must … even if no one else does. That’s why I pray in public when Janet and I go out to dinner. I also make it a point to kiss her after we pray. For me, doing this makes a statement that I am not afraid to be seen as a Christian man and that I love Janet. It also cements my path and commitment to both Christ and her.
I have received many positive reactions from people when they see me get up from my table, step around to Janet, bend over and kiss her. And it has no small effect upon her, and her respect for me when I do so.
3. Be vulnerable. As men, we can stand naked before our wives on our wedding night but we can’t seem to stand emotionally “naked” before her and God in prayer. I totally understand the timidity of many men, who see public prayer as invading their personal, private, and generally intimate space and time with God.
I urge men to set a spiritual path early in a relationship that may start small and grow in time as we become more comfortable with being “naked.” For me, this happened when I would call Janet on the phone when we were dating. I made it a point to never hang up without praying first. I would pray for whatever we had talked about—simple short prayers—and then say goodnight.
In the beginning, she never prayed. But later, she started joining in. Prayer had the effect of showing her that I was authentic, first in my commitment to Christ and second to her. And in her words, “There is nothing sexier than a man who prays.”
But the fact that we prayed over the phone and not face to face took much of that initial uncomfortable feeling away. Then, when we were together, prayer began to feel more natural, even to the point that not having her with me to pray seemed strange.
I still have my own private and personal prayer time. But when I see how much Janet respects me for praying with her, and know how this pleases Jesus, prayer becomes almost intoxicating.
4. Start simple. The word “simple” is the key when it comes to prayer. Just start with something very easy. For example, I would begin an evening with, “Lord watch over and protect us, and may everything we do and everything we say bring honor and glory to Your name.” Or, I would end of a date with, “Thank you, Jesus, for the good time we had tonight and watching over us.”
Husbands, when you see something that concerns you about your relationship with your spouse, just stop for a moment and say, “Let me pray for that right now.” Say a short prayer of one or two sentences, and then move on. Doing this recognizes that Jesus is the third Person in your marriage, and you are just including Him in your conversation.
The making of a godly man
Nothing builds up a man more than having the respect of the people he cares about. And nothing seems to be more attractive to a woman than a man who is a tender leader. What accomplishes both? Prayer.
Prayer is what makes a man a godly man, a godly leader … and a godly success.
That’s the creative compromise we arrived at as hopeful parents on the cusp of a new millennium. Like many of our peers, we had goals for meaningful family life alongside hopes for rewarding work opportunities and the lifestyle that such work made possible.
When Candice got pregnant with Harrison, she negotiated a great opportunity to work from home. Being the editor of an online magazine and having a high-speed internet connection made it feasible to work remotely. She edited articles during Harrison’s naps and let him roll around on the floor while she posted the articles online. She attended meetings via conference call—covering the phone’s mouthpiece with her thumb when Harrison got loud. If Harrison wanted to go to the park, Candice would forward the house phone to her cell in case someone called from the office.
As we read about similar developments among other families, we started thinking maybe new technology was the answer. Maybe there were creative ways to have it all to some degree. Couples who were willing to work harder and smarter might not have to make the sacrifices of previous generations.
Candice wrote articles about “fitting kids into a life,” and from the responses she got, we could tell this desire resonated with other couples. Like us, they didn’t want to have kids and then cheat them out of meaningful relationships, but they also hoped to achieve some personal goals and dreams along the way. A lot of couples want a way to neatly add the joys of a new baby to a satisfying marriage, a home with nice things, interesting work, enjoyable travel, and entertainment.
Still for all our juggling, use of improved technology, and our creative efforts to make up the difference, our “kind of having it all” strategy grew more tenuous as time passed. There didn’t seem to be enough to go around. Our marriage wasn’t getting the attention it needed, we couldn’t give our work all it demanded, and we realized the kids were getting less and less of us. But to keep the plan going, we found ourselves working harder and taking on more freelance projects. We stayed up later and got up earlier. We tried to make our money go further—refinancing our house and exploring speculative opportunities. We divvied up more housework. We tried to get things done without cheating the kids and then looked for ways to make up for the time the kids felt cheated anyway.
Instead of having it all, it felt like we were carrying it all—all the work, all the headaches, and all the pressure. Worst of all, it left us with little opportunity to enjoy what we were working for.
The problem with trying to have it all
We used to offer some pretty creative answers for questions about balancing work and family—about how couples could find their identity and make the most of their education and talents in the midst of starting a family. But the longer we’re parents, the more we see that our creative answers aren’t enough. Technology, innovative job arrangements, domestic compromises, and so on can accomplish some impressive gains at points, but they can’t cover everything. This is especially true if you end up having greater than typical challenges—if you have a difficult pregnancy, if you have a child who needs intensive medical care, or some other extraordinary demands.
Ultimately what was driving our “kind of have it all” mentality was what drives so many other couples starting a family—the desire to add kids to a life that remains, as much as possible, like it was before the kids arrived. Trouble is, that effort is ultimately in conflict with what’s actually required of parents.
The approaches we tried—and those we so often see recommended to young couples—are attempts to create hybrids between the adult-only and child-rearing worlds. The sticking point with such hybrids is sacrifice. In the adult-only world, it’s an unwelcome nuisance. In the child-rearing world, you can’t make it without it.
Sacrifice is inevitable when you start a family—you can’t avoid it—and none of the hybrid efforts figure out how to handle it. They try to get around it somehow or to balance it out through elaborate workload sharing and compensation. Few seem willing to just accept that it’s required and embrace it. They don’t want to give stoically of themselves and then end up being taken advantage of by someone else.
What do you do about sacrifice?
“Be imitators of God …”
As we came to the end of our creative approaches, we discovered a design that perfectly meets the needs of a family without neglecting individual family members. It’s found in Paul’s letter to the Ephesians and begins: “Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (5:1-2). This passage sets up the verses that follow, the ones that call a wife to respect her husband and submit to him in the way the church submits to Christ; a husband to love his wife as Christ “loved the church and gave himself up for her” (5:22-33); and parents to raise children in the training and instruction of the Lord (6:4).
These verses have tripped people up over the years, especially in cultures sensitive to gender equality. But the foundational context established in Ephesians 5:1 and 2 makes it clear that God isn’t calling families to the kind of oppressive domination and doormat submission that some imagine. Instead, couples can find in this almost two thousand-year-old passage a model for directing their lives, marriage, and family that when applied consistently is more innovative, more effective, and more fulfilling than any other social system the world has attempted.
What’s distinctive about this approach?
You respond as dearly loved children.
First, this model is built on God’s generous love for us as our Creator. The Psalms remind us that we are loved dearly as God’s children. Psalms 107 says, “Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things” (8-9).
Your ability to love and care for your spouse and any future children comes first from being dearly loved by God. This is the essential starting point. The fulfillment we so often seek from the perks of our jobs, from the things we buy, or even from the love of a spouse or a child can’t come close to giving us what God freely offers.
You learn how to show sacrificial love to your spouse and children by first experiencing how God does that for you. It’s not giving love to your spouse and children, all the while counting on them to love you in return. Instead God fills you daily from His endless supply so that you’re able to give without expectations.
You don’t keep score.
Couples who can love sacrificially in response to God’s love are less motivated to keep score in their attempt to split work evenly. Couples who are dearly loved by God stop trying to keep score of each other’s sacrifices. They realize the goal is to imitate the loving sacrifice of God—a different standard altogether.
You embrace the heroic.
The bargaining approach of calculated sacrifice that so often characterizes our marriages falls dramatically short of the radical lengths of God’s sacrificial love. The greatest measure of love, after all, is giving your whole life. “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13).
Whatever sacrifice is required, Jesus is our model. For love, He laid His life down; we’re called to do no less. The reality of whom we’re laying our lives down for—our own dearly loved children—is a constant motivation to keep on doing it.
In our culture, it’s normal for children to fit into whatever lives their born into. It takes a spirit of sacrificial love to see through a child’s eyes and adjust your wants, needs, and desires to those of the child.
Why is the child’s perspective significant? Because that’s how God designed it. He entrusts helpless infants to our care and tasks us with the responsibility of meeting their needs and shaping their souls. It’s where Paul started the fifth chapter of his message to the Ephesians: “Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”
The nature of parenting is sacrifice. You can’t retrofit kids into your present life. If you want to be faithful, you have to fit your life around what God calls you to as a mom or dad. That requires dying to yourself daily. It’s painfully hard, but it’s actually easier than trying to work in vain pursuing the illusion of having it all. You are dearly loved. As you approach starting your family, imitate the one who loved you by laying down His life and trust in His promise that “whoever loses his life for me will find it” (Matthew 16:25b).
Even before I began working for FamilyLife, I used to tell people that the Weekend to Remember® was the “best conference I’ve ever attended.” Merry and I went when we were engaged, and we’ve attended several times since then. The weekend provided an invaluable foundation for our marriage—a clear biblical understanding of God’s purposes for marriage and the family, and some practical skills for improving our communication.
It’s the type of conference any couple can benefit from, whether they’re preparing for marriage or looking for a refresher. It’s also the type of conference that can save a broken relationship. If you are experiencing struggles in your marriage, or if you know someone else who is, this event can be the turning point.
One person recently wrote to tell FamilyLife that the Weekend to Remember “saved my marriage.” Here are his words:
My wife and I had been becoming more and more isolated over the last four years and we were at the end, with virtually no hope of saving our marriage, or at least no hope of living happily together in the same household. Something told me that this conference was our last shot. On the way to the conference my wife and I fought so terribly and I didn’t even think we would make it to the conference.
By lunch time on Saturday, my wife and I asked each other for forgiveness and have dedicated ourselves to seeking oneness with each other and to creating a Christian legacy in our three children. I truly believe that God is the one that made us go to this conference and that without his help through your ministry we would not have made it. … The transformation in my wife is unbelievable … God really spoke to her. I hope that my transformation is worthy of my wife.
I think there are three primary reasons why so many couples like this have seen their lives and their relationship transformed by a Weekend to Remember.
First, for many it’s the first time in months or years that they’ve spent a whole weekend together. Many conferees talk about how refreshing it is just to get away from their children for a weekend and focus on each other.
Second, many couples have not heard or understood God’s purposes for their marriage. They don’t know how it fits into His plan for the world, and they’ve never learned how to apply biblical principles for improving their relationship. At the conference they have the opportunity to learn this in an encouraging environment from speakers who talk honestly and practically about how they’ve applied the Scriptures in their marriage.
Finally, the conference brings couples face to face with their need for a close relationship with God. For many, this is totally transforming. They not only renew their relationship with each other, but more importantly they understand how to know Christ and rely on His wisdom and power to make their marriage work.
If you haven’t attended the Weekend to Remember, let me encourage you to do so this year. It may be the best investment you’ll ever make in your marriage and family.
I remember when my sin finally found me out. My wife discovered the secrets I had been keeping for a long time … pornography, prostitutes, strip clubs. All my ugly mess finally out in the open. I would like to say that I responded with humility, brokenness, and honesty. But I didn’t. Instead, I was defensive, still secretive, and trying to manage all the consequences that were coming at me like a freight train. All my schemes to keep a lid on that mess just made it worse … for me and for her. That made our divorce inevitable.
I keep hearing names of people who are being publicly exposed in the wake of the Ashley Madison hack and it has made me think a lot about how I responded those first few weeks. I weep for the tremendous pain occurring in 38 million homes right now. (What a staggering number—larger than the population of Canada.) I think about those men and women who engaged in affairs and wonder how they are responding. Do they yet see their exposure as the blessing that it really could be?
If your name is on the Ashley Madison list, or if you have some other secret infidelity like pornography or strip clubs, please do the following right now:
1. Come clean with your spouse, without omitting or minimizing. Get some counsel as to the level of detail to go into, but the bottom line is that your spouse has a right to know about the extent of your behavior. Honesty at this stage can, perhaps, be the beginning of healing for both of you, even if the conversation itself is painful (and it likely will be very painful). But hiding information, deception, and minimizing is just a continuation of your unfaithfulness. I have spoken to so many men in the early stages of being found out who simply could not be honest. Truth just barely dribbled out. For many, their marriages ended not because of the affair, but because their dishonesty never stopped.
2. Get the right kind of help—emphasis on the right kind of help. In our culture, many of us refuse to speak plainly and biblically about our destructive behavior. Some will call your affair a “mistake” or a “choice.” But the most helpful term for you is to call it what it is—sin. By honestly calling your behavior sin, then the very power of God that brought Jesus back from the dead is available to you to fight against your sin (Ephesians 1:19-20). Connect with your pastor, a biblical counselor, or a Christian recovery ministry to get the help you need to heal and grow. Of course, your spouse will need help too. A lot.
3. Get connected. Part of getting help is getting on the radar screen with other men. Time and time again when I meet with a man caught in an affair it is obvious that man is isolated from other men. Ironic, isn’t it, that a man who has an adultery problem really has a problem connecting with other men? You must find two or three other men and start getting honest with them. Early on after I was found out, this was invaluable to me. My men’s small group in our church’s recovery ministry encouraged me when I needed encouragement, and challenged me when I needed to be challenged. I’m not sure I could have made it through those awful days without them.
4. Remember that your consequences are for your good, even if it does not seem like it at the time. God loves you enough to allow those consequences into your life to shape you into the image of His son. He wants you to crave righteousness more than the pleasures of the flesh. His discipline of you is hopeful because it is evidence that you are His adopted son (Hebrews 12:6-8). While there is pain when we reap consequences we have sown, a much worse fate would be for God to simply turn us over to our sins.
Finally, most importantly, never forget that in Christ, God loves you. Because of the saving work of Jesus Christ, the sin of my adultery and your adultery has been atoned for. It is finished. Jesus was shamed for you. God’s anger at you was poured out on Him. Your adultery was nailed to the cross and there it remains. Be sorrowful for your sin because it necessitated the death of Christ. But by God’s grace, you have now been made new. Let that truth stir in your heart. It is more precious than a few moments of lustful ecstasy.
Meditating on who Jesus is and all that He has done for you leads to real worship. And it is worship that will ultimately crowd out the lust in your heart and fuel the changes you will need to make.
“We know what God can do in a marriage,” Jill Averitt says, “even when one has gone as far as to divorce the other.”
Growing up as a pastor’s kid, she never imagined how she would learn that lesson. She and Alex had so much in common when they married in 1996. High school sweethearts, they came from strong Christian homes and each had a heritage of lasting marriages.
They knew that God hates divorce.
Yet in the first years of their marriage, something went terribly wrong.
And then something went right.
The Averitts’ story can be told through the two FamilyLife marriage getaways they’ve attended.
The first was a last-ditch effort.
The second was a celebration of the fact that nothing is impossible for God.
April 2005
By the time Jill and Alex went to their first Weekend to Remember® in 2005 there was little hope for their relationship. Jill was filing for divorce.
Alex, on the other hand, was praying for a miracle.
He and Jill were just 19 years old when they married. Both Christians, everyone had assumed they’d figure marriage out. But marriage was a lot harder than either of them had expected.
Promoted quickly by his company, Alex’s typical workweek was 90 hours or more. He and Jill had little time for intimacy. “He was always working,” Jill recalls. “It was a very lonely time.”
By year four of their marriage, Jill was miserable. She couldn’t remember ever loving Alex. And when her friends told her that she deserved to be happy, she quickly agreed.
Finally she told Alex that she didn’t want to be married anymore. Surprisingly, he was shocked. “I didn’t understand where this was coming from,” he says. “That’s how ignorant I was of our relationship.”
So Alex cut back his hours at work and tried to buy Jill’s love with flowers, a new car, and even a new house.
They were attending their first Weekend to Remember as a last-ditch effort to save their marriage. The only reason Jill agreed to go was because her parents begged her to give it a try. Alex prayed that somehow God would use the getaway to fix their broken marriage.
As he and Jill worked through the getaway projects, he had hope. But that was shattered when he asked Jill what she was thinking. “Alex,” she said, “I believe all of these things. I want all of these things. I just don’t want them with you.”
Despite her rejecting words, Alex refused to give up.
At the last session of the weekend, the speaker invited the couples to verbally renew their marriage vows. And he said they could each have a FamilyLife “marriage covenant,” a special document to sign as a visual reminder of the promises they made that day.
Alex picked up a covenant, and then he signed and dated it. He folded the document in quarters and slipped it into his back pocket. He believed that one day Jill would sign it, too.
Six months later, on October 12, 2005, the Averitts’ divorce was finalized.
After their divorce, Jill tried to date other men. Strangely, she always compared them to her ex-husband. Finally one day she texted Alex, “Do you think we could have made it?”
He answered, “I know we could have made it!”
Soon afterward, they started talking on the phone. Then they sought counseling together. Eventually they decided to give marriage another try.
Nine months after their divorce was finalized, the Averitts had it annulled, and Jill moved back home with Alex.
May 2015
When the Averitts went to their second Weekend to Remember in 2015, they were both listening.
Early in the getaway a speaker jokingly said, “Look at who’s beside you and say, ‘You need this more than we do,’” Jill turned to the young couple sitting next to her. She already knew they were engaged and in their early 20s. They have no idea what they are in for, she thought, but I’m so proud of them for being here.
On the last day of the conference, the speaker invited the couples to renew their marriage vows. This time Jill stood by Alex.
He pulled the folded marriage covenant out of his back pocket. “And there was his signature from 10 years ago,” she says, “just waiting for mine.”
Tears streamed down the Averitts’ cheeks. Holding hands and facing one another, they looked deeply into each other’s eyes and embraced.
Then Jill signed her name next to Alex’s. By the grace of God, their marriage had somehow survived.
Every few months, marriage is all the rage in the media. The morning talk shows bring in trusted “experts” for a discussion on what makes a marriage work. Sometimes the answer is found in sharing the chores around the house. Sometimes it’s taking turns and listening to one another.
And other times you might get a stray expert who actually thinks a wife’s submission is the key to marital bliss. Usually, that sets off a firestorm. The talk show hosts (especially the women) can’t fathom a woman who would submit to anyone, let alone a man.
In many circles, if you bring up the topic of submission, you’re looking to pick a fight. But submission is one of those often caricatured, rarely understood parts of the Christian life.
In fact, as I was writing this, former child TV star Candace Cameron Bure (known for her role on the sitcom Full House) was under a media microscope for her statement that she submits to her husband in their marriage. Bure, a Christian, defined submitting to her husband in this way: “The definition I’m using with the word ‘submissive’ is the biblical definition of that. So, it is meekness, it is not weakness. It is strength under control, it is bridled strength.”
The journalist who interviewed her could not believe what she was hearing. Submission? In these modern, post feminist times? As Bure demonstrated in her statement, we must clearly understand what we mean when we speak about submission.
Caricatures of submission
Submission is not a popular word. Let’s look at some common caricatures.
The Doormat: Maybe you have heard (or believe) this one. Anytime someone mentions submission, you bristle. You see submission as stripping a woman of her brain. Submission to you means that a woman never says anything, even when saying something would protect someone else or prevent sin. People who see submission as a means to make women brainless doormats think it takes away a woman’s voice and removes her ability to have opinions. She is simply supposed to sit there and look pretty. A woman is always compelled to obey her husband, praise her husband, and never utter a critical word to her husband regardless of his treatment of her (including abuse and other sinful behavior).
The Personality Killer: Others see submission as limiting a woman’s personality. For a woman who has a stronger personality than her husband, submission is a hindrance to her flourishing. Submission, by this definition, has no room for a strong, boisterous personality. It sees the “gentle and quiet spirit” as a personality trait, and one that not every woman can conceivably conform to. Biblical submission takes a woman and removes her personality, unless of course she is naturally the quiet and silent type. There is not room for anyone else in biblical submission.
The basis for submission
When Daniel and I were in premarital counseling, the pastor asked me what my basis for submission was. At the time, God had worked in my heart and provided godly men and women who taught me the biblical pattern of submission. But I was caught off guard by the question.
What would you say? Would you say that you submit because your husband (or future husband) possesses wonderful leadership qualities? Or because he cares for you and listens to your opinions and you love him dearly? While those are all good reasons to submit, they won’t sustain you over the long haul. Your husband won’t always love and lead you like he should. But submission is still commanded.
While I didn’t fully understand what the pastor was asking me, and wouldn’t until after I said “I do,” I answered by saying that when I submit to Daniel, I am ultimately submitting to God. I saw that in Ephesians 5, Paul exhorts Christian wives to submit to their husbands as they submit to Christ. Christ’s leadership is the basis for submitting to our husbands—not any character trait they might possess at the moment. Submission is a willing decision to bridle your strength out of respect for your husband, but ultimately out of obedience to God and reverence for His Word.
Our ability to submit in marriage is rooted in our relationship to God. We submit to our husbands because we know we are ultimately submitting to God and His rightful authority over us and in our marriage. Submission is also an act of trusting God and his work in our lives. He has established our husbands as the authority, therefore we can submit to our husbands because we trust that the work God began in them will be carried to completion on the final day (Philippians 1:6). Submission is not about the man. It’s about the God-man.
It’s important to note that everyone is called to some form of submission. Children submit to parents (Ephesians 6:1; Colossians 3:20). We all submit to God and His Word (1 Peter 5:6).
Sometimes when we talk about submission, we speak in lofty terms. But submission is really about sacrifice. All Christians are called to some form of sacrifice. When men lead their wives like Christ, they are sacrificing their desires for the good of another. When wives submit, they are sacrificing their “rights” in obedience to Christ. But it’s not always a cakewalk.
Submission and Jesus
Our husbands will fail us. They will not lead like God commanded them to. They will not always love us like Christ. They will hurt us deeply. And we will not submit perfectly. Thankfully, we are not left to ourselves.
Consider the Savoir. His sinless life gives us a beautiful depiction of what God intended for submission. Christ had every right to exert His power and extol His competency as God, yet He humbled Himself, bridled His strength and authority, and submitted to the Father (Phil. 2:6-8). If for a moment He had thrown up his hands and said, “I am God. I deserve better than this,” we would all be lost. He submitted all the way to the cross, not because it was easy, and not because it gave Him the most praise, but because He trusted in the sovereign, good will of the Father.
The Gospels give us a glimpse into this joyful submission of Christ:
And he withdrew from them about a stone’s throw, and knelt down and prayed, saying, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” (Luke 22:41-42).
Father, I desire that they also, whom you have given me, may be with me where I am, to see my glory that you have given me because you loved me before the foundation of the world. O righteous Father, even though the world does not know you, I know you, and these know that you have sent me. I made known to them your name, and I will continue to make it known, that the love with which you have loved me may be in them, and I in them.” (John 17:24-26)
Did you catch that? Complete trust. Utmost respect. Obedience to authority. Utter devotion. Does submission feel overwhelming to you? Does it feel impossible? It is. But that is why Christ did it all for us. He is our perfect model of submission. But He is so much more than that. He is our righteousness, so when we fail to yield to rightful authority (whomever that may be), we have grace and an Advocate before the Father. He also promises to us the power to obey Him and His commands through His Spirit (2 Corinthians 1:21-22).
Rooted in God’s intent for humanity
Some have said that Paul’s commands do not ultimately mean that wives are to submit to their husbands in the way that I have just described. For years, scholars have debated Paul’s and Peter’s words, challenging them on the basis of everything from cultural context to flat out saying that submission cannot and does not mean what we think it does.
God’s plans are not random. When He created Adam and Eve, He had a purpose in mind—to display His glory throughout His creation. This is why He created us in His image. How we act has implications. Whenever the biblical writers talk about marriage, gender, and even headship and submission, they are always referring back to the original creation account in Genesis 1-2.
When we talk about gender roles in marriage and God’s design for men and women, these ideas are not arbitrary or cultural constructs. They are rooted in God’s intent for humanity. The Bible presents a world where men and women hardly act in line with God’s plan for them. Our world today is no exception. And Christ came to redeem all of it.
At the end of the day, we must take God at His word. Did He have a purpose when He created marriage, with its differing roles? I believe that he did.
Abusive situations
I think it is important to talk about when a husband is imperfect, or worse, when he is abusing his wife. Both circumstances are not owing to the biblical model of leadership and submission, but a sad and sinful distortion of what God designed to be good. In the case of an imperfect husband (and we all will face this to varying degrees), we can first pray that God would change his heart. But we also must love him as his sister in Christ.
Submission does not mean condoning sin in the lives of our husbands. As fellow believers, we have a responsibility to love our husbands well by pointing out sinful patterns that are not changing (Matthew 18:15-16). If he refuses to change, then you are free to ask your pastors or elders to intervene in his life (verse 17).
If you are in an abusive marriage, please know that you are not biblically required to submit to abuse. First and foremost, protect yourself and family from the abuse you are receiving. No amount of submission will protect you from the abuse. Submission is not the problem. Your husband’s sin is. Please get help from your pastors and local authorities, and know that his abuse is not your fault.
Our pattern for submission is not a cultural construct or a throwback to June Cleaver and the 1950s happy housewife. Our pattern for submission is our Savior, who, for the joy set before Him, obeyed the Father all the way to death so we wouldn’t have to. We submit not ultimately to a man, but to the God-man. We submit to the very One who mastered submission on our behalf, trusting that the same work He is doing in our own life, He is doing in the life of our husbands.
God does not command things that are easy. If he did, then anyone could master His commands and we wouldn’t need Him. Instead He commands a level of living that is impossible because of our sinful nature. But the biblical pattern of submission seen in Scripture is not to be done in our own strength. Jesus—the one who gave us the pattern of submission—is the very one who ensures that we can submit. And even better, He paid for every sinful tantrum we throw when we don’t get our way. I, for one, am thankful for that grace.
Submission is not ultimately about us, our husbands, or our little corner of marital bliss. It’s about God. It’s about the story we tell with our lives. When I submit to my husband, I am telling a watching world, even if the only ones watching are my children, what I believe about God and His work.
The 2015 film, War Room, from filmmakers Stephen and Alex Kendrick, was one of the hits of fall movie season. To the surprise of many in Hollywood, it brought in over $67 million in the box office, outperforming films that were hyped on a much more lavish scale. Now out on DVD, here are five things to know if you haven’t watched the film yet.
1. War Room is a compelling story.
To the world, Tony and Elizabeth Jordan (played by T.C. Stallings and Priscilla Shirer), are a successful, upwardly mobile married couple. Tony is a top salesman for a pharmaceutical company, and Elizabeth is a real estate agent. But their marriage is starting to fall apart, and Tony is pondering an affair.
Elizabeth meets a new client, Miss Clara (played by Karen Abercrombie), who wants to sell her home. As Miss Clara shows Elizabeth around the house, she points out her “second favorite room,” which includes what she calls a “Wall of Remembrance.” It’s a list of answered prayers. “When I look at it I’m reminded that God is still in control, and that encourages me,” she explains.
But Miss Clara’s favorite room in the home is her “War Room”—a closet with prayer requests covering the walls. When Elizabeth begins to open up about her marriage problems, Miss Clara says, “Can I ask you how much you pray for your husband?”
She goes on to explain, “You’re fighting the wrong enemy. It’s not your job to fix your husband—you need to plead with God so He can do what only He can do, then get out of the way.”
Miss Clara begins meeting with Elizabeth once a week, showing her how to pray and, more important, how to walk with God.
How Elizabeth takes these lessons to heart and engages in spiritual battle—and how God begins to move in her family—makes for an interesting and gripping story. And some memorable prayers.
War Room is the fifth film from Stephen and Alex Kendrick, the filmmaking brothers from Albany, Georgia. Alex directs the movie and has a supporting role.
2. War Room meets “Hollywood standards.”
With so many Christian movies produced now, it’s a common temptation to pick them apart and declare that they just aren’t up to the normal standards of Hollywood filmmaking. Of course, it’s difficult to articulate just what these “standards” are in a time when a lot of junk appears in the movie theaters and on television.
If I put on my critic’s hat, I could point out a few lines of dialogue in War Room that were spoken with dubious acting skill, and a few instances where production values detracted from the story. But I’m not a critic at heart, and I won’t go into those details. Most important to me: The Kendrick brothers are growing more skillful with each film, and are growing adept at telling a good story in a way that keeps your attention to the end. And that, to me, is the ultimate standard.
3. War Room addresses the same topic of every other Kendrick film—and that’s good.
The first film from the Kendrick brothers, Flywheel, told the story of a used car salesman who turned his life and his business over to God.
In Facing the Giants, a high school football coach turns his life and his team over to God.
In Fireproof, a firefighter turns his life and his marriage over to God.
In Courageous, a police officer turns his life and his family over to God.
See a pattern here? Like the previous Kendrick films, War Room tells about lukewarm Christians who wake up to the problems in their lives and realize they need God. And like the other films, God works in amazing ways to answer prayer. Marriages are restored, fathers assume responsibility for their families, a football team wins the state title.
I like stories that glorify God.
4. As expected, secular film critics didn’t like it.
Evangelical Christianity has never been popular with the secular media, so it wasn’t a surprise that film critics were less than generous.
Entertainment Weekly called it a “gold-plated piece of Bible thumping that’s resonating with the same audience that watches Jimmy Stewart get touched by an angel every December in It’s a Wonderful Life…” The Boston Globe wrote, “The first couple of acts of the Kendricks’ latest, ‘War Room,’ are so heavy on broad pulpit pounding that it’s challenging to get swept along by the story’s message.”
Obviously that didn’t stop “faith based” or “God friendly” viewers from seeing the film. But perhaps critics were responding to the fact that War Room is so clear and unapologetic in its portrayal of how God works in our lives.
5. This may be unlike anything else you’ve ever seen on film.
It’s not unusual to see people pray in movies. Sometimes these prayers are serious—think of the opening sequence of It’s a Wonderful Life, when the people of Bedford Falls offer up prayers for George Bailey. Sometimes the prayers are offered in satire or jest—think of Ricky Bobby’s prayer to “little baby Jesus” in Talladega Nights.
What sets War Room apart is that it treats prayer seriously. There aren’t any fluffy prayers to the “man upstairs” in this film. This is a story about spiritual battle and the need for God’s miraculous intervention.
As I reflected on War Room in the days after I saw it, I thought of a lifetime of watching films and television shows.
I’ve seen thousands of films about every conceivable subject. I’ve seen movies that thrilled me, inspired me, bored me, shook me, and revolted me.
I’ve seen countless murders solved by detectives on BBC, countless couples who found true love on the Hallmark Channel, and countless homes renovated with an open concept floor plan on HGTV.
I couldn’t even begin to list all I’ve watched in the last year, much less a lifetime. Too much entertainment, I’m sure.
And I can’t think of any film or program that focused on the power of prayer so clearly and so boldly. I haven’t seen anything that challenged couples so strongly to make prayer part of their marriage and their lives.
Click here to purchase War Room on DVD. Also, listen to Stephen and Alex Kendrick talk about the film on FamilyLife Today®.
Not too long ago, my husband used a stone to scratch “Good Friday, April 2” into the freshly-poured foundation of our new home. As he formed the words into the fresh cement, I was reminded of the significance of Christ’s death on the cross. I also wondered how Christ’s example will affect Jim and me in our new home.
Jesus Christ came to earth to fulfill a purpose. During our marriage my husband and I have grown in our relationship with the Lord and with one another. If we will practice the following principles, Christ—and His purposes for our lives—will truly be at the center of our home.
His purposes for our lives
1. Remember the Builder.
Construction workers will transform piles of wood into the walls of our next house. They will do this by following the builder’s plans.
Likewise, Jim and I will need to fill the rooms of our home according to the Builder’s design-with love, and wisdom, and understanding.
For every house is built by someone, but the builder of all things is God. (Hebrews 3:4)
2. Seek knowledge.
Ask God to give us wisdom and understanding in our relationships and decisions.
My husband and I do not have the knowledge or expertise to construct our new house. We’re relying on the experts.
In the same way, it will take spiritual wisdom and understanding to transform our house into a Christ-centered home. And that knowledge can only come from God.
We have not ceased to pray for you and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding. (Colossians 1:9)
3. Be on the alert for evil.
Satan does not want us, our friends, or loved ones to follow Jesus.
There are thieves in this world who want to rob and take what is not theirs. Because of this, Jim and I may join a neighborhood watch group in our new community.
Yet, what about the spiritual dangers that will attempt to invade our new home? We will need to be on the alert for evil and not allow it to enter.
Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. (1 Peter 5:8)
4. Follow God’s directions.
As we follow God’s directions in our home, we will be filled with His joy.
Friends and family won’t know how to get to our new house until we draw them a map. If they follow it correctly, they’ll end up at our house.
Likewise, God gives us clear directions for each day that are found in His Word. When we follow His precepts, we will be filled with His joy.
I will meditate on Your precepts and regard Your ways …Your statutes are my songs in the house of my pilgrimage. (Psalm 119:15, 54)
5. Keep God’s bigger picture in mind.
As we seek our neighbors’ good before our own, we will model Christ to a watching world.
When Jim and I planned our new house, we had to look at the big picture of the neighborhood and not just our individual lot. We considered the location and design of our home and how it would fit in with our future neighbors’ houses.
As each house is unique, so too are the individuals who will be living near us. If Jim and I truly follow Christ’s example, we will look at the big picture as we interact with our new neighbors. How will what we say and do impact their thoughts of Christ?
In 1 Corinthians 13:5 the Bible says that love cares more for others than for self. That means that I need to care more about showing God’s love to my new neighbors than pleasing myself.
For the sake of the house of the Lord our God, I will seek your good. (Psalm 122:9)
6. Live in unity.
Harmony and peace will mark my home and relationships when my actions match Christ’s desires.
It would be terrible if an earthquake destroyed our new home. But it would be far worse if misunderstanding and confusion split our hearts apart.
Living in unity is the mark of a home centered on Jesus Christ.
If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. (Mark 3:25)
7. Seek understanding.
As I seek to understand others in my house, it will become a Christ-centered home.
Time and effort were invested in preparing the lot for our new house and in pouring a solid foundation. And after it is built, the rooms will be filled with our material possessions.
But those material possessions will not transform our house into a home. We’ll need understanding to center (establish) it on Christ.
By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches. (Proverbs 24:3-4)
8. Ask God to bless my home.
And let others know of His faithfulness.
If our builder does a wonderful job constructing our new home, he will likely ask us to endorse his work. We will be happy to tell others about his expertise as a builder.
Likewise, when we move into our new house, we will ask God to bless it. We will also tell others of His faithfulness over the decades of our married life.
May it please You to bless the house of Your servant … (2 Samuel 7:29)
9. Choose every day to serve the Lord.
No matter what our culture says, we will choose God’s ways.
After we move into our new house, we can either take good care of it or neglect it. It can be a place of refuge and beauty, or it could eventually become dilapidated. The choice is ours.
Likewise, every day Jim and I will choose whether we will serve ourselves or the Lord. Will we be selfish or selfless? Will we be patient and kind, or jealous and rude?
Choose for yourselves today whom you will serve … but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. (Joshua 24:15)
10. Remember that the Master of my home [the Lord] will return.
May I be aware each day that my house ultimately belongs to the Lord.
Jim and I may live in our new house for a year, decades, or more. We can consider it ours, or remember that it is ultimately the Master’s. One day the Lord will return and ask how we used His house.
Will it be a haven for the weary? Will we tell others about Jesus within its walls? Will we be found faithful?
Will we fulfill the purpose God has for our home?
“It is like a man away on a journey, who upon leaving his house and putting his slaves in charge, assigning to each one his task, also commanded the doorkeeper to stay on the alert. Therefore, be on the alert—for you do not know when the master of the house is coming …” (Mark 13:34-35)
Last week, while beginning yet another journey through the Scripture, as a recent bride I found myself reading the account of Adam’s and Eve’s nuptials with fresh eyes.
I’ve read it perhaps hundreds of times before—God fashions a woman from and for the man, then personally officiates at their wedding, thus instituting the first marriage. The groom wholeheartedly, enthusiastically receives this bride and their union as a wondrous gift from their Maker. The creation narrative ends with a commentary on marriage as God ordained it to be.I always dreamed of having a family. It was one of my hopes for the future when Dennis and I were engaged and newly married. And of course, my dreams were only about good, peaceful, happy times with children who loved and obeyed their parents.
I was unprepared for the perpetual demands parenting would require of me. From 2 a.m. feedings, potty training, ear infections, nightmares, and coloring on the walls to braces, birthday parties, and driving lessons for teens, mothering is a full-time, 24/7 job with few vacations and a delayed payment plan.
How do you balance being a mother with your first calling as wife? How does motherhood mix with romance? Not easily, at least if you are like me.
Questions but no answers
I have a vivid memory of standing in my kitchen sometime after child number three was born, feeling conflicted internally over my role as wife and mother. It seemed incongruous to be a mother and a sexually interesting wife at the same time. I had no model for that. I had questions but no answers.
Children are just one of several common threats to romance. FamilyLife conducted a survey of more than 10,000 couples, asking them to name the culprits that robbed their marriages of romance. The most commonly mentioned factors were children, stress, fatigue, busyness, misplaced priorities, anger, and unresolved conflict.
In the Bible we find an appropriate name for these romance robbers. The bride of King Solomon described him in endearing, poetic terms and then said, “Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that are ruining the vineyards, while our vineyards are in blossom” (Song of Songs 2:15).
In those days, a wise gardener would protect his vineyard from foxes. The nocturnal bandits would sneak in during the dead of the night and eat the most tender parts of the vine, rendering them fruitless and useless.
The vineyard is like your marriage. The foxes are the things that sneak up on you and snatch the fruit of passion before it can bloom. These sly creatures are relentless. Drop your guard, and they’ll reduce the vineyard of your marriage to a barren, lifeless place where romance shrivels on the vine.
‘Children ended our romance!’
Without question the biggest deterrent to romance for moms is children. The precious little ones, given to us by God, are also self-centered, untrained, unending “need machines.” They can suck the life out of our marriages. For us as wives and mothers, our children will be the greatest distraction and hindrance to growing a healthy, romantic marriage.
Our mailbag at FamilyLife is filled with letters from mothers dismayed at how difficult it is to feel romantic or sexual. One woman wrote, “During this season of life, I have three children, 4 years old and younger, plus a full-time job. I cannot even think of doing anything romantic.”
Or maybe you feel like the mother of a “rambunctious 2-year-old,” who said, “It’s ironic: Romance gave us our children, and children ended our romance!” It’s sadly true for too many women.
Often, motherhood can be a tempting excuse for giving up sex. Caught up in her responsibilities day in and day out, a mother can experience a slow shift in loyalty from husband to children. She thinks the needs of her children, because they are so helpless and formative, are more important than the needs of her husband. After all, she reasons, he is an adult.
One reason this is so common is that we as women are able to express and experience our femaleness by nurturing our children. We feel fully alive as women when we care for our children—except for the times when we are fully exhausted. Women feel a deep, innate sense of well-being and fulfillment when we give birth, nurse, and nurture babies and children. It is an indescribable privilege that brings profound satisfaction. It’s what we were made to do.
But it’s only part of being a woman.
Motherhood is temporary
Raising children, as wonderful a calling as it is, is not allwe were designed to do. Children were given to us for only a short time. They are not possessions but something over which we were meant to be stewards. Our job is to train them in godliness and then to let them go. You will always have a job as wife, but motherhood is only temporary.
One of the most important parts of your job as mother is to be a model to your children. If your children see a mother who has resigned from her duty as wife, they will grow up confused about marriage; that is especially true for your daughters. Your children desperately need to see Dad and Mom as husband and wife who love each other, care for each other, and are loyal to each other above all others.
God didn’t create women with the ability, the capacity, or even the compulsion to nurture just for the sake of our children. He also meant for us to nurture life in our husbands. Maintaining that balance with your children will probably be your biggest challenge in the parenting years.
How do you balance being a mom who deals with spit up, poopy pull-ups, modeling clay ground into the carpet, and frogs and lizards escaping in the house with being an attractive, romantic, interesting wife?
1. Teach your children that they are third on your list of priorities.
They cannot be more important to you than their father, and certainly they cannot be more important than God.
Clearly they will take more time on a daily basis, and meeting their needs may be your number one priority when your husband is not home. But when he is home, they can be taught to wait unless it’s an emergency. Your marriage will not grow and there will be no chance for romance if your kids are allowed to constantly interrupt, make demands, and dictate your lives. They will be much more secure if they learn that they are not the center of this little family’s universe.
Parents—not the children—must be in charge. Again, you are modeling what a Christian marriage looks like for them, and that includes being romantic together. They are watching you more than you may realize.
A wise older woman said to me years ago, “Honey, one child will take all your time, two children will take all your time, and so will three. It doesn’t matter how many children you have, they will take all your time.” She was right. They will if you let them. It’s up to you if they get all your time or you save some for your husband.
2. Realize that your children have great value, but so does your “work.”
Yes, you want your children to know they are more important than a perfectly ordered house, more important than possessions, and more important than jobs, financial success, and status. But you also must teach them that parents have to work, and part of your work is to make time to be an attractive, interesting wife.
When you pay attention to your husband, children begin to see that their needs and wants do not have to be met immediately. They learn patience when they have to wait on Mom and Dad to finish their tasks or their conversation. They learn responsibility and greater independence when you and your husband leave them (well-supervised, of course) to go on a date or a weekend away to “work” on your relationship.
It’s healthy for them and for you.
Without question children are the greatest interruption to the romance relationship you began with your husband when you married. But they are just that—an interruption. Eventually they will leave home, and it will be just the two of you again. There will be time again for spontaneous decisions that foster relationship and romance. There will be freedom to travel together, go out to eat together, go for walks together, have picnics together.
Look to the future
As you enter and journey through the teen years, begin to talk and dream and plan for your life together after children. The teen years may be the most difficult of all and, as a result, may strain your marriage to what feels like the breaking point. But if you work to keep your relationship and your romance of utmost importance, and you look to the future together, hope will grow.
On the other hand, if you let your relationship falter and you let the hope of romance die, you will arrive at the end of the parenting years as total strangers. Dennis and I devoted our lives to strengthening marriages and families around the world, and worked hard at keeping our relationship vibrant. But in the early days of empty-nesting we realized that, that as we raised our six, we’d missed each other in some areas.
I can’t imagine the profound sense of loss that many couples experience when the children leave and they find themselves totally isolated, with little attraction to each other and no romance. What an unnecessary tragedy.
Looking for balance
Keeping children from robbing your marriage of its romance will be an ongoing challenge. During our full-time parenting years Dennis and I talked often about finding that balance between my role as wife and mother. It was not easy to manage both roles well at the same time.
Often Dennis felt he was getting the leftovers of my time and energy, and he was right. There was only so much of me to go around. We laughed one day when I told him that because I had six children to take care of and him to serve too, he got one-seventh of my attention. He said it was often less than that!
Growing romance in marriage during the different seasons of life is hard work. A good question to ask is, Where does my loyalty lie? Am I loyal to my husband first or my children? Answering this question will be a litmus test of your romantic allegiance.
It’s been said that great works aren’t performed by strength, but rather by perseverance.
Anna Flippin married Tom in 1990. It was her second marriage and his first. A San Francisco police officer, Tom graduated at the top of the Police Academy. He was very intelligent. Very well read. “In fact he was never without a book—ever,” Anna says. “He was even the editor of the San Francisco Police Officers Association newspaper. He had his own column and he was also a cartoonist.”
Anna describes Tom as a man with a magnetic personality, handsome and polite. “He treated me like I was a queen,” she says. “When I approached the table he always helped me sit down; he opened the car door. He was extremely attentive that way.”
The Flippins had been married for seven years when Anna’s perception of Tom dramatically changed. The blinders were ripped from her eyes when she came face-to face with reality: Her husband was no Prince Charming.
Over the next days … and months … and years, Anna persisted in praying that God would not only revive her marriage, but also soften Tom’s cynical heart.
“I just always believed him”
Tom was outside that summer evening in 1997 when his pager went off inside the house. Thinking that someone at his office was trying to reach him, Anna answered the page. When she dialed the number a woman answered. Anna asked, “Did you call Tom Flippin?”
The woman denied calling, so Anna redialed the number. The same woman answered.
When Anna heard her British accent, she recalled a conversation from months earlier. A man had phoned her, without identifying himself, saying that Tom had been having an affair with a British woman—for a long time. Anna asked her husband about the man’s call, and he denied the accusation. Anna believed him.
Now, Anna wondered if the man’s allegation had been true. But when Tom came back into the house, he again denied knowing any such woman. He said, “I’ve never seen this number before.”
The next day, after Tom went to work, Anna went through his phone records and charge statements. She not only found numerous references to the British woman’s phone number, but also discovered that her husband had paid for many things that she had never seen.
When Tom came home that night, she presented him with the highlighted evidence. Only then did he admit his unfaithfulness. “He had been trying to break it off but it was too difficult,” Anna says. “It was a very hard, hard time.”
Wondering how she could have been so naïve, she began to look at her years with Tom. “If he’d say, ‘I’m going to be late because I’m on a stakeout,’ ‘I have to work overtime,’ or ‘I’m going undercover and so you can’t get hold of me,’ then I just always believed him.”
Although Anna still wanted her marriage to work, Tom was not willing to get counseling. He insisted that the affair was over, that she just had to believe him. Anna wasn’t so sure, “I had spent time believing him,” Anna says. “And I said, ‘No.’”
“I want to see you in heaven”
The Flippins separated later that month, and Anna turned to Mariner’s Community Church in Half Moon Bay, Calif. Neither she nor Tom had been a churchgoer when they married, but a neighbor kept telling Anna that she needed to go to church. “I’m so grateful because about five years after I started going is when all of this happened.”
Anna was fearful that her husband would die without personally knowing Christ. Although they were separated, she continued to pray for his salvation and asked him to attend church with her. Tom didn’t care about spiritual things, but he went with her at times—just to make her happy. When she gave him books about Christ, he’d say, “I can see how much it means to you and I see how happy you are and that’s good for you, but not for me.”
“I want to see you in heaven,” Anna would say. “I want us to always be together forever.” Tom was not interested.
Paul Richardson, pastor of Mariner’s Community Church, says, “Anna had a deep concern: Will he die and go to hell? He was a tough one who didn’t believe and didn’t really care about believing.”
Richardson describes Anna as remaining faithful to her unfaithful husband. “She hung in and believed that he could change.”
“I want to do the right thing”
For two and a half years the Flippins went to both marriage counseling and individual counseling. An unlikely source drew them back together: the movie Saving Private Ryan. After Tom watched it, he began to examine his life. He phoned his wife and asked if he could come home. “I want to do the right thing,” he said. This time, Anna believed him.
As a long-time listener of FamilyLife Today(FamilyLife’s nationally syndicated radio broadcast), Anna knew about the Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway. So she told Tom that he could come home if they would continue their counseling, attend church together, and go to a Weekend to Remember. He agreed.
They attended the conference in Lake Tahoe, and Anna describes it as wonderful. She had prayed that her husband’s heart would be transformed at the conference. “I guess my hope was that … we could start working on a foundation from then,” she says. “Now that we were back together I wanted God in our marriage. I had hoped it would make an impact on his life.”
At the end of the weekend Tom told her that he was glad they went. He said that he enjoyed the weekend, “except for the God stuff.”
The conference brought the Flippins closer together and caused them to think about the issues in their marriage. Tom even listened to the gospel presentation at the conference, but didn’t think it was for him.
Shortly after attending the Weekend to Remember, Tom decided to take early retirement, and the Flippins moved to their vacation home in the mountains of Quincy, Calif. True to his word, Tom visited churches with his wife, wanting to find one where they would both feel comfortable.
“We hit it right off”
After visiting several churches, they walked into First Baptist Church in Quincy. “It was a tiny little church,” Anna says. “And this man greets us. … a retired police officer who’s now a preacher. Tom immediately connected with George.”
Pastor George Tarleton not only had been a police officer, but also had spent 24 years in the military. He was 47 years old before he made the decision to trust Jesus as his Lord and Savior, and almost 50 when he went to seminary. “I always felt that I was too rough around the edges to be a pastor,” Tarleton says. “And one of my instructors in seminary says, ‘No, there’s going to be a church somewhere that wants you just the way you are because you’re going to be able to relate to people the way other people can’t.’”
Like Tarleton, Tom had been in the military before becoming a police officer. “We hit it right off,” Tarleton says. “It was just kind of the right time and the right place and it was only through God’s grace.”
“We had the same kind of background in life and had made a lot of mistakes in our lives. … And he [Tom] was looking. He was definitely looking to believe in God and to find a purpose. There had to be more in life than what was going on and the stuff he had seen and the stuff he had gone through.”
The two men became good friends and Tom started attending church regularly. Anna continued to pray for her husband’s salvation. “She always hoped and believed that it [Tom’s salvation] would happen sometime,” Tarleton says.
“I don’t buy it”
After Tom had been retired for about four years, he developed a cold that he just couldn’t shake. Anna begged him to go to the doctor and feared that he might have developed pneumonia. But instead of pneumonia, Tom had lung cancer. “It was all around his heart,” Anna says. “He had never smoked in his life.” Although he went through chemotherapy and radiation, the doctor’s prognosis was not good.
Early in the summer of 2007, Pastor Richardson drove to Quincy to visit the Flippins. Once skeptical of the claims of Christ himself, he wanted to share his personal testimony with Tom. “I had a time when I questioned and doubted,” Richardson says. “And so I said, ‘Here’s my path. Here’s my story.’”
“I don’t buy it,” Tom said. “Life’s an energy force and once I die my energy is going to go into the universe. If there is a God he’s going to judge me on being a good person.”
Still, Anna just would not give up. She continued to pray.
“I can’t find the stairs”
Although Tom had lived much longer than the doctors expected, it appeared that the end was very near. The cancer was now in his brain and he began hallucinating. Several times he frantically called to Anna, “Honey, Honey, I can’t find the stairs. I can’t find the stairs.” Then he would add, “I can’t find the door. I can’t find the stairs to heaven.”
Anna called Pastor Tarleton and told him how Tom was fretfully searching for what seemed to be the door to heaven. She handed Tom the phone.
“He wanted to know how to get to heaven. He said he was looking for that stairway to heaven,” Tarleton says. “And I answered, ‘You already know.’”
Tom asked, “What do I have to do?”
“You just have to accept Jesus as the Boss of your life. Turn your life over to Him.”
“I do. I do,” Tom replied.
When Tom handed the phone back to Anna, Pastor Tarleton told her that Tom had asked Jesus to be the Lord and Savior of his life. Anna wasn’t so sure that it was genuine. “If you only know how crazy he’s been talking,” she told Tarleton. “I don’t really know.”
That evening, Pastor Richardson visited with Anna and Christina (Tom and Anna’s daughter). They told him about the phone call. He also was skeptical about whether Tom’s conversion was real.
Richardson went to Tom’s bedside and whispered, “Hey, Tom. It’s Paul. How ya doing, brother?”
Tom’s eyes opened and he got a big smile on his face. “And there was a look like I’ve never seen him look before—a complete sense of peace and joy with a smile like I’d not ever seen,” Richardson says. “And he grabbed my hand tight, ‘Pastor Paul, I’m in. I’m in.’”
Tom slipped off into a coma again. Anna, Christina, and Richardson just looked at one another and agreed that God had done something in Tom’s life.
“God cared more about Tom’s salvation than anybody else did”
“I believe that God wanted Tom into heaven even more than we did,” Richardson says. “And God’s going to use every means and every way to do that for His glory. God cared more about Tom’s salvation than even Anna, or I, or anybody else did. And He used circumstances, and Pastor George, and the coma, … and all of that stuff so that at the right time he would accept Christ. … What a great God that would set up these situations.”
Tom’s sense of desperation and confusion was replaced with an attitude of peace. A few days after Richardson’s visit, Tom gasped for every breath as tears rolled down Anna’s cheeks. “I love you, Tom,” she said.
“I love you, too,” he whispered. “Don’t worry about me.” That same day, July 9, 2007, Tom Flippin entered eternity.
Anna had persisted to the end and saw a great work. As she laid her head on her pillow that night, she felt comfort recalling her husband’s words, “I’m in.”
“Sometimes … all of a sudden heaven is peeled back for a second and you see the handiwork of God,” Richardson says. “You see God setting things up like you never could have imagined. His ways are not our ways. You get just a peek or just the shadow of His ways and you think, ‘Oh, my gosh, how marvelous are His ways!’”
Alicia Jarrell was 17 years old when her parents asked her and her siblings to come into the dining room. While the outside of Bill and Lisa Jarrell’s home had brand-new aluminum siding, the inside of their home needed a major marriage makeover.
“I know they had been going through counseling and had gone to a marriage conference,” says Alicia. She’d heard them fight—all three kids had. They’d even broken up a few arguments themselves. The teenager couldn’t imagine why Mom and Dad gathered everyone around the dining-room table.
More than five months earlier, the troubled couple had gone to a marriage conference and received a document with a fancy font at the top, challenging them to pledge a new start to their marriage. It was called a “oneness covenant” and the couple was only now ready to sign it. Bill prayed and read it aloud, then passed the pen to each person.
“They wanted to have us witness [it] by signing it with them,” remembers Alicia. “We knew that was their promise to each other, to God, and to their kids.” But was signing this marriage covenant going to result in real change for their marriage and their family?
Before the conference, Bill described their marriage as rocky: “She didn’t want to be around me,” said Bill. “She wasn’t even sure she wanted to stay married.”
Bill didn’t know what to do. So when he heard that their local Christian radio station, Praise 106.5, had a contest to win tickets to a weekend get-away marriage conference, he entered. It was for a Weekend to Remember®, a marriage getaway sponsored by FamilyLife. FamilyLife’s main goal is to help develop godly marriages and families that then help change the world one home at a time.
The radio station asked contestants to describe how they felt about the condition of their marriage. Bill said in his online registration that he didn’t know if he would still have a marriage in a year.
Alicia describes what her parents’ marriage looked like before the changes took place: “There was a pretty rough time where they weren’t talking to each other for a while, so it kind of felt like I got stuck in the middle.”
When Bill told Lisa that he had won the tickets and invited her to go, she couldn’t give him an answer right away. “It was about a week out before she agreed to go,” says Bill.
Lisa tells her perspective at the time. “We were probably on the verge of separation, and I didn’t want to go at all, but I went.”
In November 2005, Bill and Lisa made the two-and-a-half–hour trek up Interstate 5 toward the Semiahmoo Resort in Blaine, Washington, a town about 10 miles south of Canada. The mid-November weather was as cold as their relationship.
Lisa did not want to sign the oneness covenant when she first returned from the marriage conference: “I was fighting with myself. I knew what God wanted me to do with my marriage, and what I should do.”
Then in April, everything exploded with a phone call. A woman from Australia called and confronted Lisa about an affair she had been having online. The woman’s husband and Lisa had been corresponding online for three years. The woman demanded that the affair must stop.
Lisa confessed to Bill and the marriage counselor at their church about the emotional affair with the Australian man she had known earlier in college.
“When she got that phone call, I think she started re-evaluating where she was and where she wanted to be,” says Bill. “Had it not been for the conference and everything that was spoken at that conference—I think she probably would have left.”
Lisa chose to stay and commit to her husband and her marriage.
Two weeks later, they signed the oneness covenant. “We established the fact that our marriage was going to be different,” says Bill.
“That’s when they promised to all of us—to me, my brother and my sister—that they were going to be married and stay together forever,” says Alicia.
Her dad was serious about change. “Over time I would sit down and take time with the kids,” Bill says. “I would take time to talk with them and [ask] what’s bothering them—something I had not done before. As I learned to talk more to my wife and to communicate with her, I would also do it with the kids.”
In November 2007, Alicia married Nick Hackl. Communication became challenging during their first year of marriage because they lived apart for about eight months when Nick attended basic training in Texas, then Air Force Technical School in Texas and Mississippi, while Alicia lived at Dover Air Force Base in Delaware.
“When my husband and I first got married, we weren’t the best communicators,” Alicia says. “We were fighting and yelling at each other at the same time.
“My parents worked with us on how to express our feelings,” she says. “Now one person says how they feel, then the next person and vice versa.”
Bill called Nick and mentored him over the phone. “Ever since I started dating Alicia, they have always been pretty involved in my life,” says Nick, “so it’s kind of normal to me. It is cool because my dad had not done too much of that.”
“A lot of those [communication] tools, which are awesome, we got from FamilyLife,” says Lisa. “So we were able to pass that stuff on to them.”
Lisa explains what the communication looked like in her own marriage before and after the changes took place: “He would never want to fight and I would yell and yell and yell and get really angry and would walk out, slam the door, and leave,” she says. “There is none of that any more at all.”
Bill and Lisa were also able to pass on the marriage tools to Scott and Samantha Hayward, their friends from church, by sponsoring them so they could attend a Weekend to Remember conference last spring.
“She wasn’t just a nice Christian lady wanting to help me and fix my marriage,” says Samantha about Lisa. “She had been through some rough times too. It made me feel like she knew where I was coming from and was a very big help. It put us on the same playing field; it showed that she is a real person.”
Bill and Lisa signed that oneness covenant, promising more than just to renew their own marriage. They pledged to help others fulfill their marriage vows, too.
When Alicia initially signed as a witness to her parents’ marriage re-commitment, she didn’t know how it would affect her, especially years later. Now she sees.
“Their marriage now is a good example, a role model of what we try to have our marriage be,” Alicia says.
Used by permission of Worldwide Challenge magazine, a bimonthly publication of Campus Crusade for Christ. Originally appeared in March/April 2010 copy of Worldwide Challengemagazine as “Marriage Makeover” by Rich Atkinson.
For a belated twelfth anniversary celebration, Lt. Col. Danny White and his wife, Nora, went on a Potomac River dinner cruise. They strolled across the ship’s deck, reminiscing about how God had brought them together after the untimely death of Danny’s first wife.
Sometimes it seemed like everyone at Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri, knew their story. It was a real-life picture of the von Trapp family from TheSound of Music. Nora was the nanny who came to help the young widower with his two young children. They fell in love and married, and then had children of their own.
Danny looked deeply into Nora’s eyes and asked her what was supposed to be a rhetorical question, “Would you do it again [marry me]?”
Nora didn’t want to spoil the evening, so she weighed her words carefully. “Can you imagine if we hadn’t done it?” she asked. “Our beautiful children wouldn’t be here!”
For the next few days, Danny’s question echoed in Nora’s mind. Finally, she decided to tell him the whole truth.
Would she marry him again?
“I don’t know.”
Falling in love
Nora first saw Danny in January 1998, when the young Marine spoke at the base chapel. He talked about what God had been teaching him since the deaths of his pregnant wife, Jenny, and their oldest son, also named Danny. They had been killed in an automobile accident just a month before.
With the loss of his wife, Danny was left with a 3-year-old daughter and 1-year-old son. Nora was impressed by the Marine’s faith and transparency. She wondered if there was any way that she could help.
In April their paths crossed once again. Nora’s father, the deputy base chaplain, was good friends with Danny’s commanding officer (C.O.). When Danny accepted his C.O.’s invitation for dinner he was surprised that Nora and her family were also there.
A few days later, Nora’s father called Danny, asking if he needed help with childcare. Soon after, Nora began working as a nanny for the two children. Although she had no romantic intentions, she and Danny quickly fell in love. With the support of their families, on September 12, 1998, she became Danny’s second wife.
Struggles
Danny and his first wife, Jenny, had been high school sweethearts. Yet Nora had only known Danny for months when she became a wife and mom; they did not completely understand each other.
He was content to live in the moment. But Nora always wondered how things could be better. Whether eating a meal together or having a conversation, Danny often felt like his wife’s expectations could simply not be met. So over the years, he increasingly looked to others for approval.
Wanting to be noticed by more senior officers on the military base, Danny often spent long hours at his assignment. When he got home, whether at night from the Pentagon or after months on deployment, he was emotionally exhausted.
By the time Nora was the mother of six children (she had adopted Danny’s two, and they had four more together), she was often stressed from taking care of the growing family. When Danny got home in the evenings, she longed for heart-to-heart adult discussions. And when he volunteered to help with the dishes, she wanted to put the dishes aside to make room for conversation.
Danny and Nora seemed to speak love in different languages. Eventually they stopped praying together. When she went to bed, he did online research. “We lived almost a disparate life,” Danny says.
Once Nora felt so alone that she looked for a place where she could scream and not be heard. On a deserted golf course she shouted out to God, “Help me feel connected to this man!”
When Nora told Danny—after their anniversary dinner cruise on the Potomac—that she didn’t know if she would marry him again, his world was shattered. What about their children? What about their Sound of Music story? He was sure that God had brought them together.
“I have done everything honorably,” he told Nora. “I’ve been a good husband; I’ve been faithful to you. I’ve provided. I’ve helped with the children.”
What more could she want? Had marrying Nora been a mistake?
Soul searching
Danny told his brother that he was thinking of leaving Nora. His brother’s reply cut to the core: “Do you think you don’t have issues yourself?”
No one had ever asked Danny that question. He had always blamed his problems on someone else.
After days of soul searching, Danny realized that he did have a part to play in his marriage problems. So he wrote Nora a letter, asking her to forgive him. He confessed that he had been thinking of walking away from marriage, but that down deep he really wanted their relationship to work out.
“’I don’t know what to do,” he wrote. “I don’t know how to live up to your standards.”
With a spark of hope that things might get better, Nora knew they needed help. So she suggested counseling.
Marriage getaway
In 2011, Danny and Nora met with their military chapel’s pastor to talk about their failing marriage. He told them about FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway. “You’ll get six months’ worth of counseling [in one weekend],” he said.
The Whites decided to check it out.
Danny says that he was “blown away” with all he learned at the getaway. The first session, on communication, hit him squarely between the eyes. His tendency with Nora had been to ignore issues and wish that they would go away. And if Nora gently brought up one of his flaws, he felt disrespected—not realizing that she was just trying to help.
As Danny and Nora completed the projects for couples during the weekend, he started to understand his wife. He learned about a lot of Nora’s past hurts and that she was his gift from God.
Before driving home from the getaway, the Whites purchased a copy of the audio book, The Five Love Languages. As they listened to it, Danny had a new revelation: Nora had been begging him for quality time because that was her “love language”—that’s what she needed from him.
Nora’s lessons
Nora says that learning about healthy conflict was a real turning point for her and Danny. As the speakers transparently told about their own conflicts in marriage, she was reminded that arguments in marriage are normal. That they are not signs of a bad marriage.
In one of the couples’ projects, they wrote love letters to one another. “We cried together,” she says, “and took it to the next level in being open and talking about things that were intimate and personal for us.”
After the Weekend to Remember, the Whites met together with the Navy chaplain for one or two more times, and then Danny had individual counseling for about eight more weeks.
“I’m going to fight for my family … for my marriage,” Danny says. “… I think it’s a process.”
Still growing
Both Danny and Nora are grateful that they didn’t give up on their marriage. Now retired from the Marine Corps and parents of seven children, they have vowed to attend a marriage conference every year. They’ve also been investing in others’ marriages by making monthly donations to FamilyLife as Legacy Partners.
And today Nora says that she would marry Danny all over again. “We can wish things were different in the past,” she says, “but would we risk losing what we have in the present?”
She says that her life now with Danny is God’s gift to her. “And it was God’s gift to me then, even in the desert times.”
I’m not one who does holidays up big. Some people may enjoy making a big deal out of Memorial Day, New Year’s Eve, and the Fourth of July, but not me.
Now before you start thinking it’s just my lame attempt to avoid treating my wife special on Valentine’s Day, you need to know that I’m a real romantic at heart. I don’t need a special day as an excuse to woo my wife. To me, romancing Ellie only on Valentine’s Day would be like remembering Jesus only on Christmas and Easter.
We guys tend to think that romancing our wives means making a big deal: a dozen red roses, dinner at a nice restaurant, a weekend away at a bed and breakfast. Actually, you may have noticed that your wife would probably rather be romanced every day with little things that remind her you’re thinking of her, you still love her, and you’re willing to pursue her.
This Valentine’s Day may be a hit for you, or it may be a miss. But honestly, the little things you do after Valentine’s Day–the other 364 days of the calendar–have a whole lot more to do with keeping romance alive in your relationship.
Regardless of how you did on February 14, you can use these tips to romance your wife through the rest of the month to build a daily habit of letting her know what she means to you.
Look in her eyes and just listen.
Remember your wife is God’s gift to you. Thank Him for her and tell her you did so.
Each day in the rest of the month leave her a Hershey’s kiss where she’ll be sure to find it. Ask her to save the paper flags in a jar and redeem them for actual kisses.
Using dry erase markers, leave a note to your sweetie on the bathroom mirror.
Compliment your wife in front of others – especially your kids. You may be the only one in her life who’s doing it!
Write out your wedding vows on a small card and sign your name to them. Put the card somewhere she will see every day.
Hold her hand whenever you’re in public together.
Women view romance differently from men. Ask your wife to describe what’s romantic to her. Don’t be surprised when her ideas sound very different from yours.
Snuggle (just snuggle!) in bed and tell her all the things you admire about her.
When you see your wife after work, kiss her. Not just a peck on the cheek. Really kiss her.
Find the book your wife is reading and leave some encouraging notes in it every 20 pages or so.
Make foreplay the focus. Focus on her: Play with her hair, caress her face, and gently stroke her arms and legs. Let things build slowly.
Make a stop on your way home from work and pick up that special treat your wife just loves.
Bathe the kids. Clean the kitchen. Fold the laundry. Make the bed. Do whatever she normally does. Tell her to relax.
Everyone knows that couples have disagreements about money matters. But when you combine the practical challenges of money management with the complications of stepfamily living, money issues become volatile.
“I just don’t feel like his partner,” said Barbara. “Lloyd controls everything and I don’t even know how much we have nor do I contribute to investment decisions. It’s like the money is all his, just in case we don’t make it. It’s been that way from day one when he asked for a prenuptial agreement. How can I feel like his partner when I’m excluded from this part of his life?”
Sometimes money conflicts are about values or power and control; other times it is about fear. Barbara had access to all the money she and her children needed, and they were well cared for. However, in her heart, she didn’t feel that Lloyd was completely committed to her. His unwillingness to let her have some say in his material wealth was evidence to her of this struggle—especially since her husband didn’t have any problem sharing financial decisions with his first wife.
When money is paired with pain
In asking for more decision-making power regarding their money, what Barbara was really seeking was emotional security and a permanent commitment from her husband. Money issues in a stepfamily marriage are sometimes paired with pain from the past. They become a detriment to the present marriage when negative behavioral patterns are set in place.
Underlying Lloyd’s need for a prenuptial agreement and control over their finances was a ghost that haunted him with distrust, insecurity, and the fear of losing control. The only thing that kept him from growing increasingly anxious about his future was staying in control of the money and investments he brought into the marriage.
Besides, in his mind, his generosity toward Barbara and her children was more than enough provision. It shouldn’t matter to her, he thought, that her name wasn’t on the deed to the house or cars. But it did matter to Barbara, a lot.
The challenge for many step-couples is deciding whether fair will be defined through the lens of pain or hope. If decisions are being made through the lens of pain, then one or both will choose a path of self-preservation (withholding assets is a way of withholding yourself). If the decisions and the relationship are viewed through a lens of hope, risks and an investment in the marriage are likely taken. This requires trust.
In our book, The Smart Stepfamily Marriage, David Olson and I review five stages of trust previously identified by Patricia Schiff Estess (in her own book, Money Advice for Your Successful Remarriage).
1. The “Rose-colored glasses” stage.
In those first romantic moments, money talk seems crass or unimportant because the strength of love “will handle everything” (naiveté) or because couples believe there will be no money conflicts (ignorance).
2. The “Don’t rock the boat” stage.
Feelings of resentment or anger surface. Frequently thoughts such as, “Why should I resent his paying alimony? I knew about it before we got married,” or “I can’t stand her cheapness when it comes to gift-giving” aren’t voiced for fear that any stress would put too much pressure on the fragile new union.
3. The “Lay it on the table” stage.
Couples painfully express their concerns to each other, feeling it’s okay to be honest, to argue about spending priorities and to speak candidly about their feelings, frustrations, and fears surrounding finances. A foundation of trust is being laid, albeit roughly.
4. The “Getting it together” stage.
The couple has arrived at a mutually agreed upon lifestyle and has established an effective method of handling finances and making financial decisions. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ve commingled funds. Just that they have agreed on contributions—both monetary contributions and contributions of time—and that they have a system in place for managing both jointly owned and separately owned property.
5. The “Achieving stability” stage.
The couple reels in control of finances. Despite the ultimate instability of anyone’s financial position, they now feel comfortable adjusting their goals or spending patterns as circumstances require. Their perspectives are integrated. They can handle change.
In addition to integrating their daily and practical financial patterns, did you notice what else is growing beneath the surface? Trust. Each and every stage requires a choice to risk the unknown as the two come closer in heart and mind. But eventually the choice to risk gives birth to confidence and trust. And every couple needs that.
Couples:
Building financial integrity and trust into your relationship is a must, and so is agreeing to a system of money management. Most stepfamily couples choose one of the following:
“One-pot” couples have joint ownership over all of their financial accounts (including savings and investments).
“Two-pot” couples divide monies into his and hers. Sometimes this is reflective of what each brought into the marriage or the income each produces, and sometimes it represents the different obligations (e.g., child support to an ex-spouse) and debts each holds.
“Three-pot” couples have his, hers, and theirs accounts from which they pay shared bills and expenditures.
The system itself doesn’t seem to make a significant difference in the level of couple satisfaction. What does matter is whether you agree on the system and share similar values about spending, saving, and how family members are provided for. Any system can work, but it has to be agreeable to both.
Pastors:
More than ever, church leaders recognize the importance of biblical advice and training for couples regarding finances. Quality programs from Crown Financial Ministries and Dave Ramsey, for example, are available for churches. However, be sure to take the training a step further with stepfamily couples. Address issues such as alimony, child support, inheritance once a biological parent dies, investments, which one-two-or three-pot system of money management couples will utilize, and the need to change deeds, titles, beneficiaries to insurance, car titles, house deeds, and wills after the wedding.
What do Sean Connery and Harrison Ford have in common? Whether playing James Bond or Indiana Jones, these actors were Hollywood’s idea of a manly man for decades. They’re rough and tough, and can fight, shoot, or punch their way through a crowded alley of bad guys … while barely cracking a sweat. They’re unstoppable. Unflappable.
And they usually get at least one girl in the end.
After all, jumping in the sack with any available warm body just goes with the action-hero territory. They reach for the thrill of sex without paying the price of intimacy. Take James Bond. Give him an adventure, and he’ll be in and out of more beds than a mattress salesman.
In the absence of role models who know how to love, cherish, and relate to one woman over a lifetime, is it any wonder that for the last few decades boys have grown up to be men who are equally clueless about how to give themselves to a lifelong love? Taking their cues from Hollywood, they enter into marriage with guns blazing, thinking that their tough guy routine will save the day. But the show has barely gotten started when they find out how woefully ill-equipped they are to give a woman what she craves most.
A relationship.
I’m convinced we have a generation of married men who are confused and lonely; they’re stuck in a lifeless marriage because they never learned how to cultivate a relationship with a woman that speaks to her romantic need for intimacy. Sandy, who attended one of our conferences, described her relationship with her husband this way:
Dennis, I’m afraid that I am losing respect for him as a man. He is not really contributing to our marriage or even to his own life, so it’s like having a dependent rather than a husband, a partner.
If Sandy’s husband is ever going to become the man of her dreams, the best place to start is by meeting her relational needs. Unfortunately, the media reinforce the notion of experiencing sex devoid of a relationship. Men have been led to believe that great sex, like fresh fruit, is hanging off every tree, ripe and waiting to be picked. All they have to do is reach out and grab some. They’ve been duped into thinking the same should be true in a marriage.
However, great romance is the by-product of a relationship.
Simple gardening tips
The secret is learning how and what to sow in the garden of a woman’s heart. When you sow the seeds of respect, kind words, acts of tenderness, and thoughtfulness, you reap a reward from your wife in abundance. As God said through Hosea, “Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love” (Hosea 10:12).
On the other hand, if you fail to cultivate this relationship, or if you sow seeds of criticism, neglect, or rage, sex becomes little more than a cold, physical act in which your wife feels used and unloved. That’s because God hard-wired a woman to desire relationship. Just as your wife has the power to affirm you sexually, you’ll have tremendous power to provide her with the relationship she longs for; namely, a connectedness to your heart and soul.
When you withhold a meaningful relationship (I’m speaking about her need for conversation with you, her desire to see you plugged into family life, her thirst to hear words of affirmation), she finds it difficult to give herself totally to you. Think with me for a moment: Do you sometimes feel your wife is not excited about your sexual advances? Step back and consider how much of an investment you’ve been making into her relational bank account. Her heart can be like a bank account where you make deposits and withdrawals. Far too often as men we can make withdrawals and disregard making deposits or investments. Every wife needs you to invest security, acceptance, and an emotional connection in her life.
Let me give you an example of what happens when a man squanders his power to validate and romance his bride with a relationship. Pam, a listener to FamilyLife Today® writes,
My husband Keith has called me almost every low-life name that he could think of. He’s called me “fat” and said that I’m “bad in bed.” Although it has been almost eight years ago that Keith said these things, I can’t forget them. We’ve been married 17 years and the TV is still more important to him than me. Recently, while staying in a hotel, I purchased a new nightie. When I changed clothes in front of him, his look was one of disgust. Keith didn’t have to say a word. The look on his face told me exactly how he felt about me.
I feel so rejected physically I can count on one hand in the last two years the times Keith has told me that I look nice. He’s never at home in the evenings to help me with the children. On weekends, Keith usually finds something other than his family to keep him busy. When I’ve tried to talk about this, I get yelled at or spoken down to. I hate living like this. I don’t know where to turn for help.
Now I don’t know Keith’s side of the story, but from what Pam has said, Keith has all but abandoned his role as the provider of a safe relationship—at great cost to his marriage. By calling Pam names, Keith failed to accept her. By ignoring her in favor of the television, he failed to make an emotional connection. And by refusing to involve himself with his family, he undermined her sense of security. His marriage is a divorce waiting to happen unless he recognizes that “love is patient, love is kind … It is not rude, it is not self-seeking … It always protects” (1 Corinthians 13:4, 5, 7).
A woman’s need for relationship carries into the bedroom too. While a man is usually able to engage in sex almost instantaneously (almost any time, anywhere), a woman needs the context of a relationship if she is to freely and playfully respond to physical intimacy. When a man pressures his wife to perform sexually without regard to the relational aspects of such intimacy, sex becomes shallow. Physical intimacy becomes a battle of the wills or a manipulative game that ultimately dies a slow death.
Have I told you lately that I love you?
Just as your wife might wonder why sex is so important to you, you might be wondering why relationship is so crucial to her. You might even be scratching your head about why God wired men and women so differently. Look at it this way. As you know, God created Adam first. But did you know that Adam never asked for a wife?
It was God who said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18, emphasis added). God, in His wisdom, created Eve to be the companion that Adam didn’t even recognize he needed. She was created to remove Adam’s aloneness. No wonder God placed in Eve an intense drive toward relationship.
God knew that man’s tendency was to be alone. He gave us a gravitational pull in marriage—our sex drive—so that we would pursue our wives who, in turn, would call us to know and be known in the context of a relationship.
For a man, achieving relational intimacy is both a mystery and a challenge. I believe God wants to knock the edges off me, as a man, so that I learn to love my wife in a way that communicates love to her. During more than 40 years of marriage, I have repeatedly learned (emphasis on repeatedly) that Barbara needs me to pursue a relationship with her—not just when I want romance, but as a way of life. When a man pursues a relationship and gives his wife compliments only when he’s interested in sex, his wife will feel used.
For example, Barbara and I raised a family of eight. As you can imagine, there were quite a few responsibilities that I had to tackle on a typical weekend. As a man, I tended to count up the “points” that I had racked up over the weekend. You know what I’m talking about: I thought that if I just knocked off about a half-dozen items on her “honey do” list—cooking breakfast, weeding the garden, and so on—then Barbara would feel romantic when we went to bed at night.
But points are irrelevant to Barbara if she feels disconnected from me. In my way of thinking, a little sexual intimacy will connect us. But that may not even be on her radar screen as a woman. Romance for her begins heart to heart and is consummated body to body. In her way of thinking, she wants me to be her friend first, then her lover. Giving her a relationship first is how I become the man of her dreams. In other words, to her, there’s a big difference between doing things for her and being involved with her. Sure, she appreciates what I do for her and for the family. But connecting on a friendship level with her is what she dreams of.
Adapted by permission of Thomas Nelson Inc., Nashville, TN., from the book entitled Rekindling the Romance, copyright 2004 by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. All rights reserved. Copying or using this material without written permission from the publisher is strictly prohibited.
My wife, Merry, recently was with a group of young mothers, and she was struck by how many did not feel valued. They were in the daily grind of parenting, dealing with all the challenges of raising young children. Yes, they often felt fulfilled, but they also felt dry and stretched and frazzled. They wondered if their efforts would pay off.
Merry said one of the big problems was, “They were receiving hardly any encouragement from their husbands.” They felt their husbands didn’t understand what they were doing, and they felt unappreciated.
Our culture doesn’t offer a lot of encouragement to mothers. In contrast, I recently found the transcript of a wonderful 1905 speech by President Theodore Roosevelt. Speaking to the National Congress of Mothers, he said:
No piled-up wealth, no splendor of material growth, no brilliance of artistic development, will permanently avail any people unless its home life is healthy …
No ordinary work done by a man is either as hard or as responsible as the work of a woman who is bringing up a family of small children; for upon her time and strength demands are made not only every hour of the day but often every hour of the night …
The woman whois a good wife, a good mother, is entitled to our respect as is no one else …
As I read Roosevelt’s remarks, I wondered, When was the last time a President said something like this? If our culture doesn’t uphold wives and mothers with words like these, then it’s up to us husbands.
1 Peter 3:7 tells me to live with my wife “in an understanding way” and to “grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life.” As I’ve applied this verse to my life, I have realized I need to understand Merry’s world—the pressures and problems she is facing, her successes and her struggles. And I need to honor her for what she is doing well as a wife and mom.
One way I honored Merry was writing an article as a tribute to her when our daughters, Bethany and Missy, were 7 and 4. I wanted her to know how much I appreciated her, and I wanted to remind her of how God was using her. So I thought I’d share part of what I wrote because these are the things we need to be telling our wives:
Like any other mother, it’s easy for Merry to grow discouraged during the day-to-day grind of fixing meals and settling arguments and playing games and reading stories and running errands. So often I’ve heard her say, “I’m tired of being a mother,” or, “I feel like I’ve been yelling at these kids all day long!”
But the reality is that she’s not just meeting physical needs. Even when she doesn’t realize it, she’s spending her days building character. She’s raising two little girls who, I hope, will grow up to be much like her.
From Merry, our daughters learn that there is a right and wrong, and that those who do wrong are punished.
They learn that God is real, that He is a personal God with whom we can communicate.
They learn that the Bible is truly the Word of God, able to speak to us today.
When she makes a mistake and blames them for something they didn’t do, and realizes it, they learn that a mother can be humble enough to ask their forgiveness.
When she takes them to the library to check out some books and then returns home to read to them, they discover the excitement and importance of reading.
When they see Merry give me a hug and kiss as I walk into the house at the end of a work day, they see how a wife loves and honors her husband.
They watch as Merry reaches out to neighbors and friends. They go with her when Merry takes food to a sick friend. They learn about mercy and compassion.
When Merry gives them responsibilities around the house, they (grudgingly and slowly) learn about perseverance and doing a job right.
Bethany and Missy learn to tell the truth, because their mother doesn’t lie to them or tolerate lies from them.
They learn that many of the things the world says are important (such as acquiring money and possessions, and gaining power) are actually temporal and meaningless.
Of course, our two girls don’t realize that their mom is teaching them all these things. They are two human beings who will eventually make their own choices about their lives. But our hope is in the truth revealed in Proverbs 22:6, that if we “train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”
Chances are that Bethany and Missy will have much of Merry in them when they go off to college and find jobs and raise their own families. If that’s true, then I think that Merry will have succeeded in the most important job she’ll ever have.
Boy, reading these words reminds me that I married pretty well! I think I need to encourage and honor her like this more often.
During the first two days of our recent vacation in western Montana, the air was filled with smoke from forest fires. My wife, Merry, and I could barely make out the outline of the Bitterroot Mountains.
Then a cold front swept out the smoke … and replaced it with rain and low-hanging clouds. We drove up to Whitefish, and visited Glacier National Park, yet we caught only glimpses of snow-capped mountain peaks. “As beautiful as this is,” I told Merry, “we’re only seeing half of what’s here.”
And then, on the sixth day, the heavens opened up, and we experienced one of those unexpected and extraordinary blessings that we will never forget.
It was Sunday morning, and we were driving south from Whitefish to Missoula. The skies had cleared, and we could finally see the mountains in all their glory. We listened to a CD of praise music, and then we began descending toward Flathead Lake, which stretched into the distance for more than 25 miles. The view was so breathtaking that it was almost too much to take in, and suddenly an ordinary drive became a transcendent time of worship.
Romans 1:20 tells us that in nature we see evidence of God’s attributes, and that day we realized we were blessed with a tiny glimpse of God’s glory and goodness. I could hardly speak, and Merry was moved to tears.
This experience in Montana occurred just a few weeks ago, but to me it already is one of my favorite memories of our marriage. The older I grow, the more precious these memories become. They bind Merry and me together; they help make us one.
I’ve been writing a list of my favorite marriage memories. My list brings back mental images of vacations in Oregon, New England, Hawaii, and England. I think of camping trips with our children, walks along the beach, and special times with relatives.
And some memories consist of just a fleeting moment. I remember our daughter Missy’s final volleyball match in high school, when her team lost in the state tournament semifinals. I was filming the match, and in the final minute I looked up at Merry in the stands. Our eyes met, and in that moment we shared all the joy and heartache and triumph and frustration of watching a child compete in athletics. Our souls connected.
A marriage is built on memories like these. Yet how often do we take the time to talk about these memories, to write them down, to remember? Sometimes it’s easier to think of the hard times than the good ones.
So I have a challenge for you: Sometime during the next week, take some time with your spouse and make a list of your favorite memories. Be sure to note why these particular memories stand out. Enjoy the time together. If you have children, share your list with them.
In fact, I’m going to take up my own challenge and create a joint list of favorite memories with Merry. And I’ll be interested to see if she mentions that “drive in Montana.”
Before Richard and Mary Jane Long married back in 1951, Mary Jane’s grandfather told them something they never forgot: “You should always pray together.” Married more than a half-century, they were glad they followed his advice.
Richard compared his relationship with Mary Jane to a triangle—with God at the peak. “As we draw closer to God, we draw closer to each other,” he said.
Prayer strengthens marriages like the Longs’ in multiple ways. In fact, couples who regularly pray together say they feel more connected and are better able to work through difficult issues.
When Jane Fowler’s husband, Emmitt, leaves for work in the morning, she follows him out to the car and prays a simple prayer of blessing over him. “We don’t know what the day may hold, but it is comforting to know that if at the end of the day one of us doesn’t come home, our last memory would be praying together,” she says.
We asked other couples about the difference prayer makes in their lives. Here are some of their stories:
I Didn’t Want to Pray With My Wife
by Jerry McCartney
When my wife, Naoma, first suggested that we pray together each day, I wasn’t for it. At the time, we had been married for about 25 years and I liked the idea of “you do your prayer and I’ll do my prayer.” Occasionally we prayed before dinner.
Naoma must have been praying about my decision, because several weeks later I agreed to give her idea a try. And we both knew the only way praying together would work for us would be to get up early in the morning.
We’d get up at 6 a.m., sit in a couple of chairs in the living room, and begin our prayer time by discussing various Scriptures or topics. After doing this, we took turns praying.
That worked so well that we’ve now followed this same pattern for about 15 years. It’s made a big difference in our marriage.
Naoma prays on the even numbered days and I pray on the odd ones. We begin praying for each other and our family. Then we pray for our closest friends and for our stewardship. We pray for our work. We pray for our church and its leaders and our country and its leaders and then we ask that God help us be yielded to His service in that given day.
Of course we have coffee during that time.
The great thing is I get to hear my wife’s heart and what she’s concerned about and she gets to hear things that I’m concerned about. Prayer has kept us connected that way.
Once when our son was home from college for a visit, he happened to get up early one morning and passed through the living room and saw Naoma and me praying together. He still mentions how blessed he feels knowing that his parents pray together.
***
It’s Hard to Stay Mad
by Tom and Robyn Scott
In 2004 Robyn and I attended our first Weekend to Remember getaway® in Fort Wayne, Indiana. We walked away from that weekend with several items to remember, one was the obvious lack of prayer within our marriage.
I had been a student pastor since 1997 but the habit of praying together as a couple had not been a thought, let alone a practice. We prayed for our meals together and with our girls. We prayed together with other people when they brought concerns to us, but we had rarely, if ever, prayed together for our marriage and family.
When I heard that weekend, “You need to be praying daily with your spouse,” it hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew that we needed to begin praying together. The Lord placed on both of us a great deal of conviction in this area.
Since that night in November 2004, we have worked hard to continue praying together. We have not been perfect and there are many times, even still, where I would rather turn over and go right to sleep than to initiate praying with Robyn. But the Lord has been gracious to us.
This practice of praying together each night (that is when we decided it would work best for us) has and continues to shape our marriage. There have been numerous times when we have had arguments yet, through the practice of praying together, God has settled our misguided hearts to refocus on Christ and His desire for our marriage. It’s hard to stay mad when you pray with and for each other before your Creator.
***
A Bond of Understanding
by Kris Weaver
As a young wife, I used to pray that my husband would come to know Christ as his personal Lord and Savior. I really wanted to raise our children in a home where both parents were believers.
I was overjoyed when God answered that prayer and I knew it was real when my husband came home from his first men’s retreat and said he wanted to start praying together. Wow!
Looking back over the years there has been a definite connection between our prayer time together and the quality of our relationship. Raising three very busy children, having a driven sales executive for a husband, and being a local elected official myself, our few minutes of prayer has often been our only connection during the day.
During seasons when we were really busy and neglected prayer, we saw a significant difference in our interactions, our sex life, and our compassion for one another. We were more independent in our thinking and our living. As each of our relationships with the Lord grew, we realized more and more the value of praying together.
Praying together every day creates a bond of understanding. It is a gift that I give my husband, and he gives me as we lift each other up in prayer, acknowledging the events of the day and asking for God’s blessing over the other.
***
Spiritual Intimacy and Sexual Intimacy
by Jennifer Walker
My husband, Nathan, and I were challenged to pray together during FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember marriage getaway. Now we had both prayed before, on our own, or as a family at the dinner table. But praying just the two of us, out loud—that seemed intimidating.
I remember sitting in the hotel room that night, both of us a little nervous. We even argued teasingly, “You go first” … “No, I insist you go first.”
I remember our prayer being short and a little awkward. But as the days and weeks went on, we became more and more comfortable with praying together.
Nathan is a bit on the reserved side. He does a lot of his processing internally, and so it was not very often that I got to hear what was really going on in his heart. Through our prayer time together, I started to see a new side of my husband. I felt more connected to him than I ever had before. I was finally hearing his heart on a regular basis.
A funny thing happens when you connect as a couple through prayer. Not only does your spiritual intimacy grow, but your sexual intimacy gets kicked up a notch too! I felt so connected spiritually that it just naturally spilled over into our sexual relationship.
Now that Nathan and I know about this direct relationship between spiritual and sexual intimacy, it has helped us in times when our sexual relationship runs dry. We very quickly realize, “Oh we are not connecting sexually, because we have not been praying together lately.” It certainly has been good motivation for us to stay spiritually connected!
***
Praying Together Revived Our Marriage
by David and Joanie Stineman
We had been married for 17 years, were parents to three children, and active in a local church. David’s job provided well, and Joanie was a homemaker and volunteer extraordinaire. We were living the Christian life and everything was hunky-dory, right? Wrong!
Perfectionism, demanding work responsibility, busyness to the nth degree, unreasonable expectations, critical spirit, selfishness, etc., were all symptoms of a marriage in isolation, ready to explode. That all changed when we experienced praying together after attending our first Weekend to Remember marriage getaway nearly 24 years ago.
Praying together revived our marriage by …
Revealing our hearts: We soon discovered that the true intentions of our hearts were not to hurt each other. God exposed our sin, which led to mutual confession and forgiveness. We are not each other’s enemy.
Transforming our minds: When sin was recognized, we were no longer separated from the Father. The Spirit changed our perspectives and responses. We became cheerleaders for each other. As our trust in God grew, our faith in Him increased.
Experiencing oneness: As our faith increased, we began experiencing oneness as a couple in parenting, intimacy, finances, activities, and more. When we pray with oneness we are blessed with His peace.
A good place to begin praying together is using a daily devotional, such as Moments With You, that guides and keeps you grounded in Christ and His Word. Praying becomes a natural response to honor God.
Praying together has brought us through job changes, living overseas, triple adoption, health issues, caring for aged parents, and raising six children.
A marriage in isolation is revived when we pray for Christ to be the cord that binds us together (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12).
***
A Picture of Oneness
by Jim Larmoyeux
For as long as I can remember, my wife, Mary, and I have prayed together. When I wasn’t at home due to overnight travel connected with work, and in our early years of marriage, that didn’t happen every day. But generally, we always pray together not only at meals, but at night before we go to bed. The only exception to that in recent years has been when one of us is exhausted and has fallen asleep before the other could turn in for the night.
I believe strongly that there are two primary benefits to this: First, in the spiritual realm both of us are in harmony with Christ. Second, in the physical realm we are side by side as a picture of oneness.
Reading a daily devotional in the morning as a couple, My Utmost for His Highest, and praying together in the evening, there is a bond and a sense of unity that isn’t always possible during the remainder of the day. This puts an “opening statement” and a “closing paragraph” on God’s chapter for that day in our lives. It also makes it much easier to dispel outside influences that can distract us from our purpose—to glorify God and reflect His glory through our marriage.
***
Two Broken People, Asking God to Help Us Make It Through the Day
by Bob Anderson
Normally we pray for about 10-15 minutes in the morning before I head off to work. I start by asking my wife what her big issues are for the day. Then I share mine. These are usually things that are bothering us or worrying us. It could be our kids, job, finances, families, friends, health, or whatever. We thank God for answered prayer and for each other too.
My wife and I pray together perhaps seven out of 10 days. I travel, and so am not always home. Then sometimes life causes our schedules to become so complicated that we just don’t take time that day to pray.
Of course, there are those days when we have conflict and we really don’t want to pray with each other. It is curious, though, that when we have conflict and are not praying, I feel tension (conviction from God?), that I need to be praying with this woman. This adds to the desire to resolve conflict.
I am not sure that we would say praying together has brought us more intimacy. Prayer is hard work and usually we are just broken people asking God to help us make it through the day because we are a mess. Certainly we do have a better understanding of what each of us is stressing about, though.
We have seen God answer our prayers in wonderful ways and that brings us great comfort. But we have also seen Him not answer some prayers that have dragged on for years.
Is praying with your spouse a magic bullet that will keep you from getting divorced? Probably not since all of us are just a couple of steps away from making selfish choices. But for us it is a way of fertilizing the soil in which our love for each other and for God grows. That’s something we want to do.
A great way to experience the power of praying with your spouse would be to participate in our 30-Day Oneness Prayer Challenge. You can sign up to receive a daily email or text message with a short devotional with Scripture and a suggested prayer to go through with your spouse.
Men, you need to come up with your own ideas for how to date your wife. You know your wife better than anyone else. Only you know how to best cultivate and guard the woman God has given you. But, sometimes it helps to build off other people’s ideas in order to form your own … My prayer is that the power of the gospel would drive how you date your wife and implement these ideas.
1. Attend a wedding. Sit in the back row and spend the whole time whispering memories from your own wedding.
2. Make a list of ten things your wife loves to do. Each new time you take your wife on a date, do one of those ten things as your date.
3. Take up a new hobby with your wife; do something new that you’re both excited about.
4. Do the classic date: dinner and a show. Take your wife to dinner and to a movie she wants to watch.
5. Take a twelve-month honeymoon with your wife. Relive your honeymoon by scheduling a 24-hour getaway for every month of this year. Each month go somewhere new with your wife.
6. Devote one hour each night for alone time with your wife. Talk about how your days went. Joke around with each other. Cultivate your friendship. Talk honestly about what’s going on in your lives. Help each other. Encourage each other. Pray together.
7. Mark your wife’s birthday, your wedding anniversary, and Mother’s Day on your calendar every year and plan to make those days special.
8. Write a love note to your wife. Tell her all over again what she means to you.
9. Spend an evening stargazing with your wife and talking about dreams you have for the future.
10. Spend an evening reminiscing with your wife about all you’ve been through together and all God has done and redeemed in your life together.
11. Devote the next month to studying a book of the Bible with your wife. Take twenty minutes several nights a week to read, discuss, and pray through a shorter book such as Ephesians or Philippians.
12. Visit your roots. Visit where your wife grew up and where you grew up. Learn more about each other’s backgrounds.
13. Hold your wife’s hand often, in public and in private.
14. Tell your wife that you love her.
15. Tell your wife that Jesus loves her more than you do.
16. Set a weekly date night. Each week rotate going out and staying in for your date night.
17. Cancel work for the day and do something special with your wife.
18. Take dancing lessons with your wife.
19. Cut something from your schedule and use that time to date your wife.
20. Vacation with your wife without your kids, without your work, and without your cell phone and computer.
I first met Jim, a business professional in his mid-forties, as we happened to enter the door at the same time at my church. We introduced ourselves, exchanged greetings, and did some general chit-chat. It wasn’t much beyond the typical, “Good morning, How are you?” but I did learn that Jim had been a member of the church for about 15 years.
I thought Jim might be someone to get to know. One morning I asked if he would like to have lunch sometime. He readily accepted and we made a lunch appointment.
A few weeks later at lunch, Jim began talking to me about his internet porn problems. Now it clicked as to why he had so readily accepted my invitation. So I took a deep breath, thinking, Okay, God, I’m Your man, he’s Your man, and You own the time here. This is of You. I thanked Jim for sharing his story with me and tried to gently go deeper with a few probing questions.
“How long has all this been going on?” I asked.
“For about 10 years,” he told me.
“How often?” I probed.
“Two or three times a week, for a few hours at a time,” he confessed.
“Have you ever spoken with anyone about this?” I pressed on.
“No.”
“Are you in a men’s group in the church?”
“Yes.”
“Does this issue ever come up there?”
“No.”
“Would you ever be willing to bring it up and share your own situation?” I asked.
With a look of dread, I got a resounding, “Never.”
As Jim went on talking, I was hit by how matter-of-fact, unemotional, and detached he seemed as he spoke. Eventually, he began to back-pedal, minimizing what he was doing—both its hold and its impact on him. I don’t normally react quite this bluntly, but at one point I said, “Hold it! Right now, I hear addict-speak coming out of your mouth. You’re in a worse state than you can imagine.”
I went on to try to help him see the numbing effect of it all and how that was reflected even as he was talking to me. I tried to pursue it further, this time more gently, pointing out that he had become intoxicated by his own addiction. I stressed his need to do something redemptive to get out of the pit he had dug for himself. I talked about the heart-deadening, desensitizing impact of his years of routines, accumulated habits, silence, and isolation. Finally, I offered to get together with him again.
It’s been over a year now and I’m still waiting. I don’t think he’ll be having lunch with me again anytime soon.
Even as I share this story it saddens me. While I was glad Jim opened up to me that one time, he was not convinced of the dangerous state of his heart and life. He was willing to confess to me, perhaps seeing me as someone “safe” to acknowledge his behavior to. He was somehow led to a moment of honesty. But he had not let his encounters with the gospel disrupt his soul. He still was invested in keeping up the pretense. As a result, he didn’t yet have eyes to see what was happening in his heart and life.
“Holy” and “wholly” disruptions
Sometimes people confuse the act of admitting their problem with doing something positive about it. Yes, disclosing must be the first step, but it cannot and must not stop there. If it does, it can only give you a false sense of doing something positive. Blurting it all out isn’t necessarily redemptive; it can serve a false purpose of just getting it off your chest.
Perhaps your own feelings of guilt and shame have led you momentarily to let someone in to your hidden world, but it’s never gone further than that. The truth is, our nature is to flee and hide when it comes to our sin and the guilt and shame that accompany it.
In our ministry I always tell people (most often family members with someone in their lives who is a sexual train wreck) to pray for both a “holy” disruption and a “wholly” disruption orchestrated by God. By this I mean to pray for the friend or loved one to be “holy” disrupted by an awesome, mercy-driven encounter with the gospel, maybe like never before. By “wholly” disrupted, I mean to pray for circumstances to crumble and decay in their lives, so that they call out to God and others in desperation in a totally new way.
These kinds of prayers are really quite dangerous. Both ways of praying involve being disrupted by God on the road they’re traveling; the former depends on God’s mercy toward this person, while the latter involves the sovereign movement of God in the events of his life.
Let me give you an example. I know a man who was once in a 15-year committed gay relationship. Just a few days apart, his father was in an auto accident and his partner was in a boating accident. He spent the next month traveling between rehab centers, caring for the two men he best loved in his life. During this time he began to read a Bible that his partner’s mother had given him some years before.
He’ll tell you now, 20 years later, that in his Manhattan apartment, between his Marlboros and martinis, he found Jesus—or rather Jesus found him. This began a major disruption in his soul that led him to begin attending a local church. Soon he was converted.
This led to some amazing life changes as God began to get a hold of his heart and all its compartments. He later attended seminary and is now married—to a woman. The gospel had so disrupted him in some difficult and heart-sifting ways that he was changed by God’s love and mercy just where God had found him.
Mercy is like that. It always is given in a discerning manner by the Giver, with the intentions of disrupting and eventually deterring someone from his current path.
When our hearts feel the first pull toward something that could lead to bad choices, we often think, “Oh no, not again.” It’s here that many men get caught off-guard, drop out, give up, and succumb. It’s almost as if we’re surprised, all over again, at the reality that “sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you” (Genesis 4:7).
I don’t think this will ever change in this life. We can’t forget that the pull of our hearts to go in bad directions is a normal part of day-to-day life—maybe even hour-to-hour! Let’s get real. We won’t ever escape the pull of our hearts toward sin on this earth. But we can learn that God provided the tools to deal with them and offers a way out before the temptations become destructive.
Open your heart
Are you tempted to throw in the towel, thinking there will never be any victory in your fight? Are you on the verge of settling into cynicism, not only believing that you’ll never get over this, but becoming more tolerant of it, maybe beginning to believe the lie that says, “What’s wrong with it?” One of the best things you can do is to be honest about that with God and a few trusted friends. Open your heart up to the Lord and to your friends. Let them know where you are tempted to despair and unbelief. Let God in on the confused and fatigued state of your heart. Start to “pray” your emotions, fears, and despair instead of stuffing them away or letting them explode and control you.
After all, most of us go to one of these extremes or the other. God can handle it, and so can some close friends—if they are the right kind of friends!
What can give us the hope to believe that God still can and still wants to do something amazing with our struggles and with sexual sin? It has to be based on how we believe that because of Jesus, God sees us not as we are right now but as we’re going to be. Our record of temptations and failures is wiped away, leaving only a future. God knows what kind of people we are!
But part of our problem is that we fail to see ourselves in a true light. We tend toward all-or-nothing thinking. We either see ourselves as beyond repair and redemption, or we see ourselves as not that bad and our sin not that deadly!
A pastor once described the heart-reality of the average person in the average gospel-believing church, acknowledging that every church will have people in it who struggle with sexual sin as well as other life-dominating sins. He said:
When these people sit in our pews, they are in various stages of dealing with their problems. Some are denying that they have a problem. Some know they are sinning against God’s law but have secretly rebelled and live lives of hypocrisy and deception. Some are struggling with various degrees of success and failure in making the changes God requires. Others are regularly and effectively using the grace present in the gospel to lead changed lives.
Do you see yourself or someone you love in this list? What a radically realistic view of the church, one that is both alarming and encouraging. But, this pastor’s insight acknowledges that we’re on a journey, either in a bad direction or a good one—or maybe we’ve come to a standstill. His words also show that we need a community to help us process our soul’s discouraging elements and learn how to live a life of faith and repentance.
Trusting Christ
What enables us to progress from one stage to another, to boldly and radically be honest about the state of our hearts? It comes from knowing you’ve nothing to lose but everything to gain by trusting it all to Christ—trusting your hardened or confused heart, your corrupt desires, and your love for your sin, to Him.
It also requires trusting in the finished work of Christ for the past, present and future for you—just where you may find yourself right now. It means trusting His record instead of yours. It means realizing that we all, at any given moment, are in desperate need of the grace that is found in Jesus. It’s a grace that isn’t manufactured or self-produced, but one that comes from above as a gift from God.
Many of us are unnecessarily on a roller-coaster ride with God, one day at the top, the next day down at the bottom. Or, even worse, turned upside down again by the fickleness and inconsistency of our own hearts and actions. The truth is, we have to be disrupted to our core by God’s grace for us in our worst moments.
It’s then, in the midst of our temptation and confusion, that we can see we’re not as powerless as we think we are. We can choose obedience, even though we feel quite powerless. Our choice, then, is a true act of faith. We may put our faith in ourselves or in our attachments or in God. In order to do this or believe this, we have to believe the gospel is “for us” in whatever stage we find ourselves.
Jack Kemp was a quarterback for the NFL, a congressman, and one-time vice-presidential nominee. Despite his many accomplishments, shortly before he passed away in 2009, he told his son, Jeff, “I want my legacy to be family, and how much God has shown love for us.”
When your life is over … when you take your last breath … what will your loved ones say about the way you lived? Will you pass on true riches—a legacy of one who followed Jesus Christ?
Here are 14 ideas for leaving a spiritual legacy to your grandchild:
1. Every month, ask your grandchild how you can pray for him. Jot down one another’s prayer requests in a notebook and record the dates and ways that God answers your prayers. Share some of your prayer requests with your grandchild. If you do not live near one another, do this by email, text, or phone.
2. Read and discuss Deuteronomy 32:7: “Remember the days of old; consider the generations long past. Ask your father and he will tell you, your elders, and they will explain to you.” Ask your grandchild: Why should we consider past generations? What value is there in remembering the past? Then memorize this verse together (over several days).
3. Read 1 Corinthians 13:5-9 with your grandchild. Look up the stories of biblical characters who exemplified the traits mentioned in these verses.
4. Encourage your grandchild to write a poem about a biblical character who modeled love. Young children could draw a picture. Put these on display on your refrigerator. Or type the poem on your computer with a calligraphy font. Print it, place it in a nice frame, and display it in your home.
5. Take out a Bible and read Ecclesiastes 3:1 with your grandchild, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.” Discuss the importance of waiting on God’s time, and then present your grandchild with an inexpensive watch.
6. Purchase a Bible for your grandchild and have his name engraved on it. Write a special note inside the cover of the Bible.
7. Go to an estate sale and let your grandchild pick out a special item to remember your day together. In the car discuss Isaiah 40:7 (NLT), “The grass withers and the flowers fade, but the word of our God stands forever.” Compare this verse to the estate sale—when we leave this earth, we leave all of our possessions behind.
8. Write about the day your grandchild was born or adopted. Describe the weather, time, where you were, and your feelings when you saw him for the first time. Include special Bible verses or prayers that you claim for your grandchild.
9. Share your beliefs concerning your faith, explaining why you believe what you do. Then ask your grandchild what he believes and why.
10. Put a blanket on the ground. Lie down on it with your grandchild and look up at the clouds. Tell each other what the clouds look like. For example, are they shaped like a mountain, boat, cotton candy, etc.?
Share Psalm 147:8 with your grandchild: “He covers the sky with clouds; he supplies the earth with rain and makes grass grow on the hills.”
11. Design some special cards with your grandchild that have the following verse: 1 Peter 5:7, “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” With your grandchild, send one of these cards to someone who needs encouragement.
12. Ask your grandchild to tell you about her friends. Ask how your grandchild and her friends express Christ’s love to one another. Invite your grandchild to bring one of her friends to your home one day for a special meal.
13. Have a hymn night at your home with your grandchild. Together choose traditional hymns and contemporary songs. Ask one another, “What is your favorite song and why?”
14. Look up Proverbs 21:31 with your grandchild: “The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but victory rests with the Lord.” Discuss this with him if he’s old enough to understand its meaning. How could a horse be ready for battle (i.e., man’s effort to defend himself through equipment, etc.) and yet the end result of the battle really rest with the Lord? Then talk with your grandchild about battles in your life/in your grandchild’s life. Where is his ultimate strength? Read Deuteronomy 3:22 with your grandchild and discuss it together, “Do not be afraid of them; the Lord your God himself will fight for you.”
My mother passed away recently. As our family reminisced about her life, we described her with words like faith, strength, kindness, generosity, prayer, and unconditional love. We talked about her strong belief that the past is gone and tomorrow will be bright.
Like Jack Kemp, she left far more than material possessions to her children and grandchildren. She left a spiritual legacy that I pray will continue for many generations.
These words, penned by Elizabeth Barrett in the mid-1800s to Robert Browning, still make me sigh. Oh, the depth and breadth of her love!
Yet how many of us carve out time today to write actual love letters?
Not just quick notes, e-mails, text messages, or Facebook entries … but longer, more developed expressions of love and devotion, captured forever in writing?
I asked some friends this very question.
High tech
All agreed: Life is sure busy in this high tech age. And many said they expressed affection to spouses through things like electronic messages and notes tucked into lunch boxes. Some leave little “sticky” love notes on computer screens. And of course, a husband or wife can always write “I love you” on the bathroom mirror with a dry erase marker.
Now, my friend Bryan is quite creative. He writes little messages of love to his wife on breakfast eggs (before cracking them). He also puts notes in his wife’s purse and sends text messages during the day. “We’re pretty sappy,” he says, “and ridiculous about it.”
Jayna and her husband write to each other on napkins whenever they pack a lunch for one another. “They’re very simple,” she says. “We usually say something like, ‘Have a great day. I can’t wait to see you tonight. I love you!’”
And when Wayne has to travel, he hides love notes all around the house for his wife. He’s especially proud of one creative way he expressed his devotion. “Once when I left early in the morning for a trip,” he says, “I left a sticky note on the toilet lid which read ‘I’ve flipped my lid over you!’—particularly poetic and heart-warming, I thought.”
All these are great ideas. But could there be an even better, more lasting way of expressing love?
“I want you to know that you mean all the world to me”
Phyllis says it’s worth carving out time to write love letters, even when that time may be hard-pressed. She cherishes some letters her husband, Ken, wrote years ago. For example:
After 42 years of marriage, I am still learning how to affirm you. I want you to know that you mean all the world to me. As I think of the possibility that we might someday be separated due to death, it is hard to think of life without you. I appreciate your deep love for Jesus and your desire to live a godly life. I enjoy your creative expressions with the piano and creative memories. I am thankful for the way you love your children and grandchildren. You have such a giving heart for them.
I am glad that you want to spend time with me. You always tell me how much you miss me after we have been together on a trip. You speak well of me to others. You encourage me in my work, especially when I am discouraged. You urge me to serve the Lord in whatever way I can. …
Phyllis says she is very proud to be Ken’s wife.
“I want to watch your hair turn gray and your eyes looking at me like I was 25 again”
Linda only wishes that she could have had more years with her beloved Corky. She seems too young to be a widow—raising a son alone. She knows firsthand that there is power in the pen.
Several years ago Corky said that he didn’t feel well, she says. “But he assured me that he’d be okay and went to lie down in the bedroom.”
A few short hours later, he slipped into eternity.
Although Corky was a quiet man, Linda says that he would write like a poet on special occasions, inside greeting cards. In one letter to her he wrote:
I watched you last night while you were sleeping and imagined I was dreaming. You are in my heart so deeply, so securely, that I can only imagine that if our treasures are in heaven that I am already there.
I know I don’t speak these things to you when I love you or when you’re cooking, cleaning, home from work and taking care of Adam and I, and you are a mess. But my love for you, your faithfulness, your giving yourself to me … is something that is spiritual. It can only be felt between two people who trust one another so much that they give themselves over to another person, trusting they will always, under all conditions, be taken care of forever.
I want to grow old with you. I want to complain of the grandchildren always being underfoot and not really meaning it. I want to watch your hair turn gray and your eyes looking at me like I was 25 again.
If I took my last breath today, I would have lived a lifetime.
… I will always watch over you and be with you. I love you now and forever.
Linda says Corky’s expressions of love are a treasure to her. “I read them every holiday. It’s like receiving love from him from beyond the grave.”
Over and over again, people who have lost a spouse shared with me the priceless value of love letters.
Karen never doubted Mike’s love. “But,” she says, “it is always nice to be told once again that I was loved and was special to him. Just seeing his handwriting brings back a sense of his presence, and his personality comes alive again.”
Tim understands the importance of feeling loved. “In the context of widowerhood,” he says, “love letters can give substance to memories.” As he reads his wife Niece’s notes and letters, he says that he is taken back to a time when he was loved and in love. “[They] are a part of her that I can still have and hold,” he says. “Just seeing her handwriting makes me smile.”
Teri Elaine also smiles when she is reminded of how much Joe loved her. She keeps one of his letters in her Bible and reads it almost every day. “It is such a sweet reminder,” she says, “of his love for me and his love for God.” She adds, “The letters are a treasure to me. I can almost feel Joe’s physical presence with me as I read them—they still take my breath away.”
High touch
A love letter takes us back to a human touch … a warm embrace … to fingers entwined and hearts beating as one.
Although they come with no price tags, love letters are precious treasures. Legacies of devotion to be passed from one generation to the next. Tangible reminders that there is no greater gift than love.
A memorable moment happens to almost all newlyweds at the end of their first month of marriage: Husband or wife assembles a pile of bills and receipts on the kitchen table, looks at the checkbook balance, and then breaks into a cold sweat! If the differing expectations and value systems present in every home have not collided before now, they are about to.
There’s no question that the way to handle money causes stress in most marriages. The expert on money matters, Larry Burkett, once said on our FamilyLife Today radio broadcast, “Of the couples who end up getting a divorce, every survey shows between 85 to 90 percent of them say the number one problem they were having was finances.”
Most of us believe that the only real money problem is “not enough.” A friend of mine said, “I know I can’t take it with me. But could I at least keep some through the weekend?” Deep down we all know that a money shortage usually is not the real issue. We need the knowledge and discipline to use wisely the money we already have.
As I read Scriptures about money, and as I have experienced money challenges in our marriage, I believe that God uses money to test us. He tests our faithfulness to His Word—whether we are going to trust Him to supply our needs as we give, share, and become wise stewards of the financial resources He has placed under our care. Many times, money issues have sent Barbara and me back to dependence on God.
The most important point we all need to remember about money is that it is just another part of life, not the essence or goal of our existence. If we keep our attention on God and His objectives, we will walk in obedience and help build His kingdom, and our needs will be richly supplied (1 Timothy 6:17-18).
Let me offer “hard-knock university” knowledge on finances. I am no guru on money management; bookstore shelves bulge with many good books on this topic, a number of them by Christian financial experts such as Ron Blue and Larry Burkett. But having been around the block a few times, I have some pointers I believe will be of benefit to any couple.
Money sense
I love Ron Blue’s summary of the proper attitude toward money in his book Master Your Money:
God owns it all.
Money is never an end in itself, but is merely a resource used to accomplish other goals and obligations.
Spend less than you earn, do it for a long time, and you will be financially successful.
Having already alluded to his first two points, I want to get practical and review the thrust of Ron’s third point—the basics.
Talk about money. On our radio broadcast, Larry Burkett said about couples, “I have said a million times and I believe it, if you are not communicating about money, it is because you are not communicating about anything.” How true this is. It may be difficult at first to talk about this sensitive topic; but if you don’t, you will talk about it eventually, and it probably won’t be a pleasant conversation. Bite the bullet early! Talk about your finances, your goals, and the money-related strengths and weaknesses that will help or sabotage you.
Minimize debt. Openly discuss your level of debt. Unfortunately, it’s not unusual for a couple to start marriage in significant debt, perhaps $100,000 or more due to unpaid college loans or other premarital purchases. Put a plan in place to reduce such debt and to prevent adding more because the really large investment—a home—usually waits just around the corner.
Study to learn the basics, for example, a budget. Despite the modern aids such as sophisticated computer software to track money, an alarming number of people don’t know how to balance a checkbook. If you have never been taught the basics of preparing a budget, managing your checkbook, and paying bills on time, swallow your pride and learn. There are many people and resources waiting to help you. (Download this Simple Budget Worksheet from Familylife.com. You may also want to invest in an inexpensive money management app or some computer software.)
Decide who will do what with finances. Just because the husband is the spiritual head of the home does not mean he has the gift of bookkeeping. Honestly decide between you who is best suited to do what with your money. In our home, I learned too late that Barbara was a far better financial record keeper than I could ever be. I was doing it to “protect” my wife. I should have let her do it to protect both of us!
Give and save. You should never give to get from God—that’s not how He operates. But God blesses you for being obedient, and He wants you to give liberally to care for the needs of others. He also urges you to be a faithful steward (Luke 16:10-13). A critical part of stewardship is to set aside a portion of earnings for the future—the needs of your house or someone else’s needs. Obviously, I’m not talking about selfish hoarding but prudent preparation for future known and unknown expenses that await every family.
Make dual-income choices. Spend a lot of time in prayer and discussion over this topic, because the ramifications of unwise decisions may influence a family for decades.
Don’t develop a plastic addiction. Very, very few people handle credit cards well. Odds are good that you are not one of the minority. Easy plastic credit is a lure to tempt you to think you can escape from reality through the fantasy of getting whatever you want right now. Don’t fall for it. If you need a credit card for travel or emergencies, keep it locked up at home and agree with your spouse that it can be used only by mutual consent.
Consider carefully loans or gifts from parents. When our daughter Ashley married Michael, I started thinking about the amount of money they were going to chunk out for rent. We had a little bit of wedding funding left over, so I thought maybe we should help them put together a down payment on a home.
But then I remembered that a young couple should stay focused on each other during their first year together (Deuteronomy 24:5). Buying a house is a huge distraction and can definitely take the focus off the relationship.
At some point Barbara and I may decide to help our children after marriage. But again I will heed our financial mentor, Larry Burkett, who said, “There is nothing wrong with the parent helping. Just be sure you are helping, not hurting. It might be better to take the same amount of money and buy them a car so that they owned a car for cash. Then tell them, ‘Now, I want you to take the same amount of money you would have been paying on the car and save it up for the down payment on your home.'”
Consider accountability. If you are struggling with money, seek help. You may need a staff member at your church or an older couple to hold you accountable to your monthly and long-term financial decisions. There is no shame in this; doing what’s right for you and your family is always right.
Use resources developed by experts. Every newly married couple should go through a Christian book or Bible study that teaches God’s perspective of finances. Ron Blue worked with the FamilyLife team to create a couples study called Mastering Money in Your Marriage. I can’t overstate the importance of going through a Bible study like this together. I also recommend Crown Financial Ministries for their hands-on financial training.
Jesus spoke probably the most compelling words related to money and possessions in the Sermon on the Mount: “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; for where your treasure is, there will your heart be also” (Matthew 6:19-21). That financial planning sounds good to me.
Without the cleansing power of forgiveness, at best marriage will be very hard duty. At worst it will be disaster. No matter how much two people try to love and please each other, they will fail. With failure comes hurt. And the only ultimate relief for hurt is the soothing salve of forgiveness.
One of the keys to maintaining an open, intimate, and happy marriage is to ask for and grant forgiveness quickly. And the ability to do that is tied to each individual’s relationship with God.
About the process of forgiveness, Jesus said, “For if you forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions” (Matthew 6:14–15). The instruction is clear: God insists that we are to be “forgivers,” and marriage—probably more than any other relationship—presents frequent opportunities to practice.
Forgiving means giving up resentment or the desire to punish another person. By an act of your will, you let the other person off the hook. And as a Christian you do not do this under duress, scratching and screaming in protest. Rather, you do it with a gentle spirit and love, as Paul urged: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you” (Eph. 4:32).
The real test of your ability to forgive comes on the battlefield when you and your spouse are ticked off and angry with each other. That is when you need the power of the Holy Spirit and must ask, God, You need to help me here. I need to move to forgiveness because You have commanded me to do so. I need You to empower me, to enable me to give up the desire to punish my spouse and to forgive.
It took practice early in our marriage, but we learned how to keep our relationship healthy most of the time by not burning excessive emotional energy on resentment. We grant forgiveness and ask for it freely—even when we don’t feel like it.
Why is asking for forgiveness difficult?
It is humbling to admit you’re wrong and to ask for forgiveness. But it’s a key action to defeating your pride. In the first years of our marriage, this was a struggle for me (Dennis). When I did admit I was wrong, I often said, “If I was wrong when I did this, I’m sorry.” I was deploying what might be called the “If Maneuver”—using that tiny word if to give myself an out, to avoid admitting my responsibility.
At one of our Weekend to Remember® marriage getaways, a husband and father of several boys boasted to me, “You know, I’ve been married 24 years, and I’ve never once apologized to my wife for anything I’ve done wrong.”
“Oh, really?” I said in a tone that urged him to tell me more.
“Yeah,” he said with obvious pride. “Every time we get into a squabble or any kind of disagreement, I just tell her, ‘I’m sorry you’re mad at me.’ I don’t admit anything. I just tell her it’s too bad she had to get so mad.”
Then with a smug grin, he admitted, “And all these years she’s never realized that I have never once apologized.”
I had the strongest urge to give the guy a piece of my mind. What a pitifully selfish attitude to bring into a love relationship!
Instead I tactfully attempted to explain that he was missing a blessing. He didn’t listen. He went away quite sure he was a very clever fellow. He didn’t realize that he was hurting not only his wife, but also himself and his children. Just think of what he was modeling for his sons.
Granting forgiveness is difficult, too
As difficult as it is to ask for forgiveness, it’s no walk in the park to grant forgiveness when you have been wronged.
I often advise married couples to take out a joint membership in the Seventy Times Seven Club. This club began when Peter asked Jesus how many times we must forgive one another. Peter wondered if seven times would be enough? Christ answered, “No—seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:21–22). In other words, forgive an infinite number of times, not just when you feel like it.
You can tell whether you have forgiven your spouse by asking yourself one question: Have I given up my desire to punish my spouse? When you lay aside that desire and no longer seek revenge, you free your spouse and yourself from the bonds of your anger.
Forgiveness cannot be conditional. Once you forgive, that’s it. Feelings may still be raw, and it is not hypocritical to not feel like forgiving your spouse. If someone has hurt you, you can choose to forgive immediately but still be processing feelings of disappointment or rejection.
Forgiveness is a choice, an act of the will—not an emotion. It may take a while for your feelings to catch up with your will. But your will needs to respond to the scriptural mandate to forgive your spouse.
What about major wrongs?
No question—there are some hurts, such as adulterous affairs or a spouse’s addiction to pornography, that are extremely difficult to forgive and get over. There may always be some pain and distrust in the person’s heart that has been so deeply offended. But we are still commanded by God to move beyond the circumstances and forgive.
That does not let the other person off the hook for completing necessary restitution and demonstrating repentance. Some boundaries may need to be erected in the relationship to prevent the sinful behavior from happening again. An intervention by a pastor, counselor, or mature friend may be required to make the sting of pain from the sin felt so sharply that the offending spouse will finally realize that the behavior has to change. No one should be allowed to continue perpetrating serious harm on a mate.
Ultimately, though, forgiveness must rule. Anyone who says, “I cannot forgive you,” really means, “I choose not to forgive you.” If forgiveness seems impossible at that point, if prayer and reading the Scriptures do not seem to work, go to another person. Seek out a wise counselor—an elder at your church, a wise Bible teacher, a same-sex friend to confide in—and say, “Can you help me get beyond this?”
As Christians, we do not have the option of becoming embittered with our spouses. The result of obeying God and forgiving is not bondage, but freedom. Ruth Bell Graham said it well, “A good marriage is the union of two forgivers.”
Adapted by permission from Starting Your Marriage Right, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey, Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2000.
Editor’s note: After we aired a 2003 FamilyLife Today series on couples praying together, we heard from listener Vicki Moore in Colorado, who wrote to tell us about how it helped her marriage:
I love Wednesday—it’s my favorite day of the week. On Wednesday morning, I leave my house at 7:30 a.m. to drive to Colorado Springs for my Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) class. On the way, I tune into KGFT and listen to “the greats”: Chuck Swindoll at 7:30, “FamilyLife Today” at 8:00, and Charles Stanley at 8:30—an hour and a half of great spiritual programming followed by two hours of BSF. What could possibly be better?
Today, I began my morning in something less than a great mood. It all began last night. I arrived home at about 10:00 p.m., having taken my junior high academic competition team to a meet at a school about 55 miles away. Allan, my husband, was still awake watching television, but he seemed very abrupt and distant when I asked him about his day. This morning, his mood seemed equally abrupt and distant.
I even went so far as to ask him what I had done to make him mad at me, but he gave me one of those classic husband stares, the one that says, “What are you talking about? There’s nothing wrong; I’m just exercising my husbandly prerogative to act like nothing you could say would interest me just now.” I think that stare is the male equivalent of the female classic response when asked, “What’s wrong?” and we tearfully reply, “Nothing!”
So I left for BSF wondering what I’d done, why he was irritated with me, and what I should have or haven’t done. I carried on my usual routine, and listened to the lineup of “the greats” on the radio.
First, Chuck talked about the importance of being in relationship to God. Then, Bob and Dennis talked about couples in prayer. There was an interview with the couple that experienced an answer to prayer when the husband was in flight over Iraq in 1997 and the engine of his wingman went out. The wife had an urge to pray for the wingman without knowing why. Lastly, Charles preached about the entire nation of Israel praying when the nation was at war.
Sometimes I’m pretty slow to catch on, but God certainly got through to me quickly this morning. I thought back to where Allan and I were in our mutual prayer life. A few years ago we made a commitment to pray together on a daily basis. We haven’t exactly been star pupils at this task, but we haven’t been dismal failures, either. As with the rest of our walk with God, sometimes we are doing what we’ve committed to and sometimes we aren’t.
For the last several months, however, we’ve been very committed to a bedtime prayer together and a morning devotional from Moments Together for Couples by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. This morning, as I looked back, I realized that we were three days behind on our daily devotional together, and we had not prayed together for two nights. And I couldn’t see why we were distant with each other?
When I arrived at BSF, God made sure that He got my attention when our teaching leader explained about the complete joy that results in our having a prayerful relationship with Christ. He said when we are in prayer, we are close to God and have that present joy with Him. When we see answers to our prayer, we have the joy in seeing those answers. Prayer makes our joy complete.
Could it be that the lack of joy in our relationship these last two days could be from lack of prayer together? Even I, as obtuse as I can often be, saw that God was using my Wednesday morning routine to get my attention.
God used the radio as an instrument that day to get my attention. It was more effective than a 2 x 4 upside the head, but not quite as deadly! I continue to look forward to my Wednesday morning routine, painful as it may sometimes be.
Lori Rigdon answered the phone and heard a stranger’s voice: “Do you know that your husband is having an affair?”
Lori had known … for several weeks. That’s why her husband, Terry, had moved out of the house. That’s why Lori had met with a divorce attorney.
“Yes,” Lori replied.
“Do you realize the woman he’s involved with is four months’ pregnant?”
Lori felt like she must be dreaming. She couldn’t believe this was happening. “I almost felt like I was on the outside looking in,” she recalls. The idea of another woman having her husband’s child was more than she could accept.
Shaken, Lori called Terry at work and said that they needed to talk that evening.
Was the stranger’s claim true? She had to find out.
Too angry to drive herself to the home of her husband’s girlfriend, she asked a friend to be her chauffeur. As their car rolled over the gravel driveway toward a small mobile home, Lori caught a glimpse of the woman, Vicki, through an open window. She was with her diaper-clad toddler.
No one answered Lori’s knock on the front door, so she yelled, “You’ve got to tell me: Are you pregnant with my husband’s child?”
Looking through the window, Lori noticed “the little baby bump.” She was overcome with emotion and yelled curse words that she is not proud of today. And then she spewed out question after question—How could you? … Don’t you know he already has children with me? … What do you want from him?
Vicki begged Lori not to say such things in front of her child.
“You weren’t concerned about my children when you slept with their dad!” Lori replied.
Time for the truth
Terry was waiting for his wife when she returned home. He was sitting in the recliner, so Lori sat across from him on the couch.
“It’s time for you to tell the truth,” she said.
Terry confessed everything. The affair began when things weren’t going well at home … when he was longing for attention.
What first began as a friendship at work gradually changed into something much more. “I guess she made me feel like I was somebody,” he said.
Terry told Lori about the day Vicki told him she was pregnant and talked to him about the possibilities. Should she get an abortion? If she had the baby, would he support the child?
Of course he would support his child, he told her. But if Lori found out about the baby, he thought his marriage would surely end. He loved Lori and their two boys, and he didn’t want to be like his father and desert his family. So before Lori even knew about the affair, he did all that he could to make life miserable for her—so she would leave him.
As Terry admitted all this to Lori, his words seemed all jumbled in her mind. “I could have handled the affair,” she says, “but something about her being pregnant with the child shifted some things.”
She felt betrayed, rejected, and lost. But she didn’t feel hopeless.
A new follower of Jesus Christ, she sensed God asking her to do what felt impossible: forgive Terry and stay with him.
Lori didn’t understand all that God was asking of her. But she did understand His command to forgive.
So she got up from the sofa, walked to the recliner, and knelt in front of her husband.
“I want to forgive you,” she said. “I want to go through the process of raising the baby with you, whatever that means.”
Terry was stunned. He had lived with Lori for eight years and her grace-filled response was out of character.
But Lori knew that her words and actions were true. “I believed in my heart God was telling me this,” she says. “There was a certainty there for the first time in my life. … It was pure, blind faith.”
A place of refuge
Still, the next few months were difficult. Day after day Lori said prayers of desperation: How, God, can I love Vicki’s child as my own? How can Terry and I work everything out?
For Lori, her new faith was the key. She had begun loving Terry when she was 17 years old and he was 19. The two teenagers were both going through hard times when they were drawn to one another. “I think for both of us we became a place of refuge,” Lori says. Now she was looking to God for the answers to her problems … He was her place of refuge.
She began to pray that she would not grow into a bitter woman, forever resentful of her husband’s affair. She didn’t want to live for the rest of her life in fear of his future unfaithfulness. She told God that she did not want to be angry, or jealous.
She asked God to heal her marriage … to help her trust Terry’s word.
Lori told Terry that she wanted to know about any contact he had with Vicki, no matter how small. He quickly agreed. And Terry made it clear to Vicki that their relationship was over.
And so began what Lori describes as a total transformation in Terry and in herself. He became more attentive to Lori’s needs and to their children. “I saw this grown-up man come back into our home; he wanted to be there now.”
A chance encounter
When Terry told Lori that Vicki needed some maternity clothes, Lori felt that she should buy them herself. She was in Walmart with an armload of maternity shirts and pants when she saw Vicki with her sister.
“We were face-to-face,” she says, “and Vicki’s stomach was bulging.”
Lori felt like she had to get out of the store. So she purchased the clothes, gave them to Vicki’s sister, and returned to her car.
God, this is too much, she prayed through tears, I don’t know why You are asking this of me.
But something happened in Lori’s heart that day. She began to think about Vicki and what she was going through. She’s already a single mom and now she’s pregnant again, she thought. She’s by herself.
God started replacing the anger and bitterness in Lori’s heart with compassion. And a couple of weeks later Lori invited Vicki to come to her home.
She asked Vicki what she expected from Terry and her. And then she asked for Vicki’s forgiveness. Would she forgive Lori for the words she said when she first learned that Vicki would have her husband’s baby?
“I think Vicki knew that I was trying to create peace,” Lori says.
It’s a boy
The next time Lori saw Vicki was when Kirk was born in August of 1994. As she gazed through the nursery window of the hospital, she couldn’t help but stare at the beautiful baby boy. She kept looking at him, asking herself, Does he look like my kids? Like Terry? Can this really be?
And then she went to see the mother of her husband’s child.
Vicki’s and Lori’s eyes met. It was a silent, awkward moment. The air was thick between the two women.
Lori said something like “You have a beautiful baby,” and Vicki thanked her for the visit.
Once again Lori found herself asking God how she was supposed to love another woman’s child. And once again, she had no step-by-step answer. All she knew was that God was somehow leading her through a difficult process to healing and restoration.
Lori says that Kirk was not born of her flesh; he was born in her heart. When she looked at Kirk she did not see her husband’s sin. Instead, she thanked Christ for forgiving her sins.
“God had just brought that new [spiritual] life inside of me, and that was the picture I saw when I looked at him. It wasn’t a matter of seeing the ugly part of it. It was seeing the beauty of his life and what he represented to me.”
God had forgiven her for her sins. How could she not forgive her husband and Vicki for theirs?
Lori bonded quickly with the baby. “I just knew that he was my third son,” she says, “and I loved him from the beginning.”
Normal life
Kirk was about 6 weeks old when he made his first visit to the Rigdons’ home. It was an exciting time for the family as the boys met their new brother. “We made a big deal out of it,” Lori says. “I took pictures and acted like it was a normal process of bringing a baby home.”
Kirk’s next long visit was around Christmas, and then he came every other weekend. Lori often picked Kirk up from Vicki’s house, and the two women began to form a better relationship. By the time Kirk was about 8 months old, his visits seemed to be a part of normal, everyday life.
“Our contact with Vicki was on such a regular basis,” Lori says. “There was no awkwardness anymore. All of that seemed to fade into the background.”
Vicki became a Christian when she was pregnant with Kirk, and several years later she married a godly man. Together, Vicki and Shane and Terry and Lori have raised Kirk. They’ve shared family birthday celebrations and ballgames.
They’ve been in the same church together … in the same Sunday school. “I was at the hospital when Vicki’s daughter was born,” Lori says, describing the two families’ relationship as “a blended unit that has worked.”
Answered prayers
Twenty years have come and gone, and Lori has stayed true to her promise. She told Terry that she would love Kirk as her own. “And she’s done that,” he says.
Both Vicki and Lori have raised their children to love God and to know that nothing is impossible for Him—not even healing dead marriages and broken hearts. Not even bringing two moms together to love one son.
Lori has told Kirk, “You’re the good thing that God brought out of a bad situation. … God has a great purpose for your life and for your future.”
No one is more amazed by how God has answered her prayers than Lori. How He somehow put the two families together. “He’s the one who can rebuild and restore,” Lori says. “He is a God of mercy and forgiveness.”
Lori never likes to hear someone say that something is impossible. “In our lives and in our story,” she says, “God took something that was impossible and made it possible.”
At Evie’s urging, five years after facing his PTSD, Darrel reluctantly agreed to give the Weekend to Remember
He initially believed his mother, but then his brother started to cry—he had seen the man their mother was having an affair with.
Growing up as a pastor’s kid, she never imagined how she would learn that lesson. She and Alex had so much in common when they married in 1996. High school sweethearts, they came from strong Christian homes and each had a heritage of lasting marriages.
Early in the getaway a speaker jokingly said, “Look at who’s beside you and say, ‘You need this more than we do,’” Jill turned to the young couple sitting next to her. She already knew they were engaged and in their early 20s. They have no idea what they are in for, she thought, but I’m so proud of them for being here.