7 Myths About Singleness: Sam Allberry

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7 Myths about Singleness

Guest:Sam Allberry

From the series:7 Myths about Singleness (Day 1 of 1)

Air date:October 23, 2024

Dave:I think our listeners might be surprised to know that there’s quite a few singles who listen to FamilyLife Today marriage and family radio podcasts.

Ann: —which is really exciting, isn’t it?

Dave:Yeah, I mean, we get letters/emails that say that this program can help them get a vision for marriage and what family and marriage can look like.

Ann: And not only that—but relationships, too—because a lot of what we talk about applies to any kind of relationship that they’re in.

Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

Dave:Today, we get to talk about singleness and clear up some of the misconceptions. We have Sam Allberry with us, who’s written about this. Sam, welcome to FamilyLife Today.

Sam:Thank you for having me. Good to be with you.

Dave:Yeah, and you know what? Right away, there’s some listeners going, “He has an accent.” Where’s that come from?

Sam:Well, I like to think I don’t have an accent; but everyone else does. I’m from the UK, so the Queen’s English or something like that is what I’m trying to speak.

Dave:When I preach, every once in a while, I’ll try to do an accent. My sons told me, “Dad, just don’t—

Ann: —”never do it.”

Dave:—“try; you’re terrible”; it’s embarrassing. But yours is real.

And you’ve written a book called 7 Myths about Singleness. Many of our listeners know you: you’ve been a pastor, a regular conference speaker, a global speaker. You wrote [the] books called Is God anti-gay? and Why bother with church? But this one is all about singleness and the seven myths. I don’t know if we’ll get through all the myths today; but talk about this: “Why a book on singleness?”

Sam: Lots of reasons really. One is that I am single, so it’s an issue I’ve had to think through a lot myself. I’ve had to think through: “How is this an experience of God’s goodness in my own life?”

After I wrote the book, Is God anti-gay?, I was doing a lot of teaching on human sexuality; and particularly, on the issue of same-sex attraction, which has also been part of my story. One of the pieces of feedback I most frequently received was: “I don’t wrestle with same-sex attraction, but you have really helped me think about singleness in a new way.” And so I thought, “Okay, there’s obviously stuff here, that people aren’t used to hearing, has traction that seems to be helping people.” And so I started to dig into that a little more and ended up writing the book on the back of that.

Dave:Let me ask you this—because so many, when you talk about singleness, go right here, especially in the church—“Singles don’t want to be single; they really want to be married. It’s just a waiting room until they can finally find their fulfillment in a spouse and in marriage.” Is that true? Is that a myth? Is that common? What’s your perspective?

Sam: It may be how some people think it can be, sometimes, the impression given in church is that: “The singles group is the group that you aspire to graduate out of by getting married.” But that’s certainly a very different way of thinking about it than we see in the Scriptures. And the reason I called the book 7 Myths about Singleness is because the more I looked at what the Bible says about singleness, the more I realized we have so many misconceptions in the church today about how we think about singleness that need to be cleared up. The Bible speaks of singleness, unambiguously, as being a good thing. So whether we are single by choice, or by circumstance, or by some other reason, we’re not getting God’s second best. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7 that marriage is a gift, and he says that singleness is a gift—they’re both gifts—they’re both good things.

I think one of the things that often happens is both marriage and singleness have their own ups and downs. It’s very easy for us to compare the ups of marriage with the downs of singleness; and not realize, firstly, that there are downs of marriage and there are ups of singleness. A passage like 1 Corinthians 7, I think, helps us with both of those things. Paul says, at one point, that Christians are free to marry; that, in the Roman world, was quite a radical thought that, actually, women could have agency over whether or not they married. But Paul says, “Those who marry have worldly troubles, and I would spare you these.” If that was all Paul ever said about marriage, we might think he was a little bit bitter and jaded about the whole thing. But we know Paul says some of the most beautiful and exalted things about marriage that anyone has ever said; but at the same time, he knows that it’s two sinners getting together and there are going to be some challenges there, however good the marriage may be. So Paul is realistic on that.

Ann: I like that we’re talking about this because I think, in the church, there are misconceptions. I’ve talked to so many singles, who are saying, “We just want to be a part of a family of our brothers and sisters in Christ, that we’re all together—that we’re all fellowshipping together; we’re all spending time together—but some of them have said to me, “But it feels like, every time I’m with the married couples, all they’re doing is trying to set me up with someone to get married.” There are some singles where that’s okay; but there are other singles, who are like, “I’m content right now.”

I like that we’re kind of talking about some of these misconceptions, too. Would you agree with that?—in the church, it seems to be divided, at times, between the singles and the marrieds. Have you seen some of that?

Sam: I think I have, yes. It’s very easy for churches to think—and we all tend to do this—we tend to think, “I need to be around people, who are in the same situation that I’m in.” So young marrieds—at the previous church I was at—a lot of young families there; it was very easy for people to think, “Well, we’re new parents; we want to be around other new parents,” or “We’re single, and we want to be around other singles.”

But the fact is God has designed the church to be a blended family, where we all need each other. Across generations, across marital status, we all have something to offer one another. And if we only ever hang around the same type of people, we are simply going to magnify the same blind spots and miss some amazing things that God has for us to learn by being around people at different ages and stages of life to us.

Dave:Well, it’s easy, as a married couple—and I think, in a church, this is often promoted—that married couples think singles are always laying around, thinking about: “I want to get married,” “I just can’t wait to get married; it’s my goal in life.” You’re single: “Is that true? Is that something you spend a lot of time, thinking, ‘I long to be married,’ or is there a balance there?”

Sam: There is a balance there. Certainly, in the early time/early years of my Christian life, I spent a lot of time, longing to be married. One of the things that’s happened, that I didn’t really notice it—it was so gradual and sort of unconscious—is, as time went on, I just found myself thinking about it less and praying about it less; because I was becoming more content in my singleness, more able to maximize the opportunities of my singleness. It got to the point where I sort of hadn’t really noticed that I wasn’t thinking about marriage, and hankering after it, in the way that I had been. I think it’s a healthier perspective, if both marriage and singleness are good, then to desire marriage is to desire a good thing—but it’s not an ultimate thing—and therefore, it might be a good thing to desire, but it’s not a healthy thing to fixate on and to obsess over.

And sometimes, the reverse is true. I know some people, in challenging marriages, where it’s very easy for them to think the grass is greener on the other side—to think, “Well, if I was single, I wouldn’t have any problems in my life,”—so it can cut both ways. We always tend to think the grass is greener and not have that realistic view. One of the things that’s helped me, by the way, is families and marriages I’ve got to know very well, where the people have been honest about both the positives and the challenges; and it helps me, as a single, to have a realistic idea of both the blessings and joys of marriage on the one hand; but also, some of the pains and some of the trials of it as well.

Ann: So true.

Dave:Yeah; do you feel like, in the church, married families/married couples should be reaching out to singles? What would the relationship look like? Do singles want that? Do they feel pandered to if that happens? How can there be a good relationship between the married couples and the families in the church and the singles?

Sam: I think it needs to happen. Everyone is slightly different, of course; but I think single people don’t want to feel like anyone’s project. So if it’s that the family is reaching out to them, as an act of charity, I could see that feeling a little condescending and patronizing. But the fact is, in God’s economy, it blesses singles; and it blesses married people for there to be healthy friendship and interaction between the two.

I remember talking to a couple I know well, who were new-ish parents. I kind of popped around to visit them one evening; and they said, “We spent so much time with other parents, it’s really nice to have a conversation with someone about other things in life other than just what messes we’ve had to wipe up today and all those kinds of things.” And they were saying that there’s a whole world out there that they just don’t get to hear about or think about anymore; because their life is kind of tunnel-visioned into sleepless nights, and changing diapers, and what is leaking out of where it shouldn’t be in their child.

It’s a two-way thing—so we all need to approach it with that mentality—that there’s something for married people to receive from their single friends, and there’s something for single people to receive from their married friends.

Ann: I like that. You also talk about one of your myths is that: “Singleness is too hard”; that’s a myth that you talk about in the book. Talk about that a little bit, because you had mentioned you’re same-sex attracted. Are you thinking that you probably will never get married? What are your options there? Is that too hard? Are people saying, “Oh, yeah; that’s too hard”?

Sam: Yeah, I don’t want to rule out getting married; because God is sovereign and likes to surprise us sometimes. But I’m not expecting to get married. I’m in my mid-40s now—or very, very late 30s, as I like to call it—so I’m not really expecting to be married now; and I’m happy, either way, to be honest. It’s the kind of thing where I want to be open-handed before the Lord, and say to Him, “Well, I’m sort of expecting to be single; but if marriage is something you have for me, then I will receive that with gladness.” As always, whenever I pray for guidance, I pray for God to not be subtle; because I’m—

Ann: Oh, I like that prayer!

Sam: At certain points in my life: if He’d said to me, “You’re going to be single for the next 50 years,” I might’ve been despairing of that. I think I’ve understood things about singleness now that I hadn’t understood then; and I’ve learned how to, I hope, better use my singleness now in ways that I hadn’t then; such that, actually, if I’m single for the rest of my life, that’s quite an exciting prospect.

And again, this is where it’s good to come back to Paul saying, in 1 Corinthians 7:7, that both marriage and singleness is a gift; because it means, whatever happens, we get to experience the goodness of God. That takes a lot of pressure off my entire sense of happiness, and worth, and fulfillment isn’t hanging in the balance on whether my marital status is single or married. Either of those options is a way for God to mediate to me His goodness and His kindness. Both of those things are gifts, good gifts. And God isn’t the kind of weird distant uncle, who doesn’t know you very well, and gets you wildly-inappropriate gifts at Christmastime; because he doesn’t know you. God knows us better than we know ourselves, and so we can receive and trust what He gives us.

Ann: I love that; because it’s a picture of—you’re basically laying down your life before God, who knows you, who loves you, who wants the best for you—and you’re saying, “God, I’m content. I have You; I’m content. If you bring me a wife, I’m content; and I’m going to trust You as a good Father.” That’s a pretty big deal for us to lay our lives before God, and trust Him with what we have right now and what He has for our future. That’s not always an easy place to get to it.

Sam: It isn’t, and I’m not consistent; and it’s an ongoing discipline, isn’t it? But I think one of the things I realized, a few years ago, was I was trying to be content in my singleness. I realized, “Actually, no; I need to be content in Christ, as a single person.” Those two things are not quite the same. Being content in Christ doesn’t mean everything about being single has to be wonderful and good all the time; it just means, actually: “Jesus is enough.” The singleness is easy at that point or difficult at that point—actually, Jesus is the constant here—if He’s the source of my contentment, then actually, I can ride out the storms that come my way.

Ann: —which is exactly true for marriage as well.

Dave:Yeah; I was going to say, “It’s very similar.”

As you say—“Singleness is too hard,”—is a myth; do you hear a lot of singles saying that it’s hard to be single? Because, as a married man, for now over 40 years, I look at—and you quoted in the book 1 Corinthians 7: 32; Paul writes: “I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man, the single man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord; but the married man is anxious about the worldly things, how to please his wife and his interests are divided.” I read that and hear that, as a married man, I’m like, “Yeah, that’s my life. I can’t be single-minded on the things that the Lord wants me to, like a single guy, because I have to take care of my wife, and my kids, and I have all these things.”

As a married guy, I’m thinking my life’s hard; I don’t think a single guy’s thinking his life’s hard. But you’re saying singles feel like their life is hard, even though there is this undivided focus that Paul talks about. So talk about that: “Why do singles think their life’s hard?” Because I don’t think it’s that hard.

Sam: The very thing that means we can be undivided in our devotion to the Lord is also the very thing that can make singleness most painful. What makes you being pulled in so many directions, as a husband and father, is the fact that you have a wife and kids—

Ann: —people.

Sam: —life has complexity now. For the single person, there may be a kind of operational simplicity to life. Me getting ready to leave for the day takes a matter of minutes compared to, for example, my brother with his wife and kids. For them, as a family to get ready to leave the house for the day, takes most of the day.

There’s an operational ease that comes with being single; but at the same time, the danger of singleness—and this is where all of us need to be more careful—is the danger is it can easily become isolating and lonely, because you’re not as interwoven in the lives of other people as you would be if you’re a parent and a spouse. It shouldn’t mean that single people are completely relationally-isolated; that’s not meant to be the case. But it’s going to take the whole church making sure that’s not the case.

That can be one of the hard things about singleness is that absence of those built-in other people who are always going to be there in your life; or at least, you would hope would always be there. But again, one of the things—and this has been a benefit to me being a pastor, and seeing a lot of lives, up close—is you realize the very things that I might feel nervous about, with long-term singleness, apply just as well to marriage. I might be thinking, “Well, who’s going to look after me when I’m old?” Being married now is no guarantee you’re not going to have that issue either.

It’s not as if all the security is on the marriage side of the ledger here, and there’s just fundamental insecurity built into this world anyway. One of the things I often say to married people is—it’s an uncomfortable thing to say, in some respects—“Over half of you are going to be single again. Couples don’t normally die at the same time; or sadly, marriages end in divorce. So singleness is not an irrelevance for you, if you’re married; because half of you’re going to be single again one day. And the best time to think through what the Bible says about singleness is before you find yourself plunged back into it in some kind of painful, traumatic context.” So all that to say: “A lot of the things we might find hard about singleness, we don’t always realize are also true of people, who are married.”

Ann: Yeah; it’s true. I didn’t think of that.

Sam:And actually, I’ve seen people be lonely in their marriages. I would rather be lonely, as a single person, than lonely as a married person; that seems to be a very challenging situation to be in.

Ann: I think that that’s true, and I’ve talked to many women. When we’ve experienced hard times in our marriage, I can remember, in the middle of the night, lying beside Dave, thinking, “I have never felt lonelier in my life”; because there’s an expectation that that person should fulfill the needs that I have—my loneliness needs—and they don’t. And so then, there’s a form of rejection with that, as well; or wondering if there’s something wrong with me. So you’re right; I’ve talked to many, many married people, who have an extreme sense of loneliness, and it’s complicated on either side.

I have a question: “What are the dumb things that married people say to singles?”

Sam: And there’ll be many, going in the other direction, as well.

I think it can be things like: “Are you still single?” or “Surely, you’re looking for someone right now,” or “Do you want us to find someone for you?” I think it may be different if you’re a single guy as opposed to if you’re a single girl. I think if you’re a single girl, people are in more of a rush to set you up.

If you’re a single guy, people tend to assume you’re probably incapable of looking after yourself. So the number of times I’ve had people around for a meal; and as soon as I’ve put the food down in front of them, they’ve all gone, “Oh, oh; this actually looks quite nice,” which tells me that, on the way there, they were basically having a conversation of: “Okay, whatever comes out of the can that he opens, and he puts in front of us, we’re just going to have to eat; okay?” Because there’s a sort of cultural expectation: if you’re a single man, you’re probably living like a 16-year-old.

There’s lots of things. I remember one friend of mine, saying once; he said he was at church weddings—the old ladies at church would come up to him, and say, “Oh, it could be you next time.” And he said the only way he could stop them saying that to him was by saying it to them at church funerals, which was like—

Dave:“It could be you next time.”

Sam: —probably, a nuclear eruption there.

Ann: That’s funny.

Dave: Well, there is a sense—

Sam: But I get my revenge on some of my married friends, if they’ve just had a child. A dear friend of mine, at church, actually recently had a child. I know he’s getting—you can measure the nightly sleep he gets in minutes, now, rather than hours—and I was talking to him the other day. I said, “I’m sorry if I’m tired; I only got eight and a half hours sleep last night.” And if he had the energy to hit me, I think he would’ve done. But he was so worn out; I knew I was safe.

Dave:And I do think there’s a perspective, as married couples, that singles aren’t fulfilled: they don’t cook well; they don’t know how to live well; they’re just managing; but they’re nowhere near living the life that we’re living. And this is often thought by married couples, who aren’t happy in their marriage; and yet, they’re like, “This single guy” or “…single girl can’t be fulfilled in their life.” Talk about that: “How does a single truly find fulfillment?” and “Is it fulfilling?”

Sam: No; but then, nor is marriage. There’s a serious point behind that, which is that Christ is fulfilling. So He says in John 6:35—this is such a precious verse to me—He says, “I’m the bread of life. Whoever comes to Me will not hunger; whoever believes in Me will never thirst.” And so He’s saying that He’s the only One who will, ultimately, satisfy us. There is a hunger and thirst in our souls that the even the best of human relationships will not be able to satisfy.

A dear friend of mine, in his early 70s—with a very, very happy and a very healthy marriage—they both got married; I think both of them were in their early 20s when they got married. So it’d been a very long and a very happy marriage. And he said to me once/he said, “My marriage is much better than I thought it would be and much better than I deserve it to be, but it’s not enough.” And he’s right; there’s Christian wisdom in that statement.

I think, Ann, you were saying earlier that we have this expectation that that human partner is meant to fulfill our every need; and therefore, we can feel a sense of disappointment or even resentment when that isn’t the case. And that’s because we’re putting an expectation on marriage, which it’s not designed to fulfill. If Jesus is the bread of life, it means a husband or a wife, or a boyfriend or a girlfriend, are not going to be able to be that for us. And if we’re thinking marriage is going to meet—all of my relational needs, all of my emotional needs, all of my psychological needs—we’re actually going to be very difficult to be married to because we will either wear out our unsuspecting spouse, or they will end up crushing us.

Ann: That’s exactly what I did do, I think, in our first years of marriage. I think I started out with my eyes and my heart for Jesus, knowing that He would be the fulfiller of my soul; but somewhere along the line, I felt like Dave wasn’t meeting the expectations that I had.

I think this is true, whether you’re single or married—when you take your eyes off of Christ, who is the lover of our souls; the Person who gives us life—and we put them on anything else, the other thing becomes an idol. I’ll never forget the day that I was so distraught in our marriage, so broken; I just felt so abandoned by Dave. I felt like I didn’t really have much love left for him. And I remember being on my knees, and telling God, like, “Lord, I thought my marriage would look like this…and I thought Dave would be doing these things for me.” I heard it so clearly in my mind—that thought of—”Ann Wilson, I never created Dave to meet all of your needs. He’s not equipped to do that. I never had an intention that he would do that; I am the One who will meet your needs. I am the giver of life, not your husband.”

I think, whether we’re single or married, we all have to come to that point of: Oh, He is the giver of life; He is the purpose. That’s why He died—to have that relationship with me—the bridegroom and the bride coming together. And that is, He is the person that gives the satisfaction more than any other thing or person can give.”

Dave:And I think that’s, obviously, true for a single person or a married. In either state, we look somewhere else—singles thinking it’s marriage; married people thinking it’s single—and we miss going vertical. When you go vertical, you find life, whether you’re single or married. And if you miss that—it doesn’t matter if you’re married or not married—if you miss that, you miss life. It’s a good reminder—that’s the truth of the gospel—and that’s where life is found: in Christ.

Thanks, Sam.

Sam: You’re so welcome. Thanks for having me.

Shelby: I’m Shelby Abbott; and you’ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson, with Sam Allberry, on FamilyLife Today. Isn’t Sam the best? He’s just so great. Well, he’s written a book called 7 Myths about Singleness; and it’s a fantastic book. I’ve read it; it really offers a refreshing biblical perspective on singleness, and helps you to see that it’s a valuable gift. It could be encouraging to both singles and married individuals, who embrace the truth of what the gospel says about the value of who we are as human beings. You can get your copy, right now, of Sam’s book, 7 Myths about Singleness, by going online to FamilyLifeToday.com; or you could find a link to it in the show notes. Or feel free to give us a call at 800-358-6329 to request your copy. Again, that number is 800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word, TODAY.

Well, as we’re approaching election day, it could be really tiring. I know I’m tired of the tension and the division on things like social media. You might be experiencing that, as well, not just online, but maybe, in your family gatherings; or even around your own kitchen table. Well, Psalm 1:33 tells us it’s good for believers to live in unity with one another. In today’s easily-angered and often-offended world, it could feel like that’s just impossible—“It’s just really impossible to do,”—which is why I’m so excited to invite you to join us for a five-week video series from our friend—author and comedian—Amberly Neese.

This video series that we put together is called “Moving Toward Each Other in the Middle of a Divisive World.” In it, Amberly guides us toward how to build peace in our own backyards when our differing thoughts, and opinions, and beliefs threaten to create division. You could sign up for this video series by heading over to our show notes, and clicking on the link there; or just go over to FamilyLife.com/FindingCommonGround. Again, you can find a link to it in the show notes; or go online to FamilyLife.com/FindingCommonGround.

I don’t know if you knew this, but FamilyLife is on social media. You can find us on Instagram at FamilyLife Insta, or just look up FamilyLife on Facebook for more regular encouragement from the ministry of FamilyLife.

Now, coming up tomorrow: “Do you feel isolated? Are you wishing for connections that really matter?—that go deep?” Well, my friend, author and speaker, Heather Holleman is going to be here, with Dave and Ann Wilson, to propose six conversations to combat loneliness and get deeper in your relationships. That’s tomorrow; we hope you’ll join us. On behalf of David Ann Wilson, I’m Shelby Abbott. We’ll see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.

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