Disappointed at God: Barbara Rainey

David: Hey, there! David Robbins, President of FamilyLife. I wish you could have been with us earlier this morning as we joined our staff in a staff meeting and had Dennis and Barbara Rainey sharing their heart and remembering four decades of God’s faithfulness to the ministry of FamilyLife and to Him fulfilling His mission amongst marriages and families all over the world.

We had a blast recounting different stories of how God has shown up and been faithful to this ministry and the mission that we’ve had for decades of effectively developing godly families who change the world one home at a time.

I’m so grateful for how you continue to be engaged in this mission. It is fun to get to hear from familiar voices as they not only reflect on the past, but also invite us into their own journey currently.

Enjoy hearing today from Barbara Rainey.

Barbara: I just was this numb person for months and months and months. I was so perplexed and confused about God, because the God I thought I knew wouldn’t have done that. The God I thought I knew would have prevented that, because I was His child, and I was loyal to Him, and I was serving Him.

Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com.

Ann: This is FamilyLife Today!

Dave: Well, it’s not every day you get to introduce a mentor on FamilyLife Today.

Ann: Yes.

Dave: But I’m going to let you introduce Barbara.

Ann: I’m really excited about our guest because Barbara Rainey is with us today. I know many of you love her like we love her. Barbara and Dennis were the first people that shaped us spiritually in terms of, “Oh, this is what it looks like to have Jesus at the center of your marriage and family.” We had never seen it before.

You guys have been mentors to us. Even from a distance, we’ve watched you; we’ve learned from you.

Dave: Yes.

Ann: So, it’s an incredible honor to have you back with us today.

Barbara: It’s so fun to be here. It’s so fun to see you two across the table. It’s fun to be a part of what God has given you to do after what we have done. We’ve watched from a distance and have marveled and just enjoyed watching what’s happening; but to be here with you is very different than watching from a distance.

Dave: I can’t wait to hear what you’re going to say, because I read your blog—

Barbara: —you read my blog?

Dave: Yes.

Barbara: That’s such an honor.

Dave: It’s fantastic!

Barbara: Really? Oh, thank you!

Ann: And you’re such a great writer.

Dave: She wrote—I mean, every week there are multiple, multiple, multiple; and you’re in seminary, and you’re learning, and you’re sharing what you’re learning. It’s growing all of us.

Barbara: Well, thank you. It’s been a good season. It’s been a hard season, which I think we can talk about later; but it’s been a good season, too, because, I don’t know, I feel like I’m doing more of what God made me to do.

I knew that—when I was raising kids, I knew that—that was where I was supposed to be; but I think all of us moms have this sense that: “there’s more to me than even I’m aware of,” when you’re doing diapers and cooking three meals a day and doing laundry all the time; that’s all you do. We ask the question: “Who am I? Is this really all there is to me?” Yet, we know intuitively, there’s more.

Anyway, I’m in a season where that’s behind, and I can cheer on my girls, including daughter-in-law girls, and what they’re doing, but I have the space in my life to do other things. I am in seminary, as you mentioned. I am writing a lot because I want to, and because I do enjoy it, and I like it.

Ann: It’s resonating with so many of us.

Barbara: Well, thank you very much.

Ann: Even as we were thinking through, “What should we talk about today?” this topic is something that was at the forefront of your mind; this topic of being disappointed with God.

Barbara: Yes. You know, it’s been such an interesting journey because disappointment, I think—well I know, disappointment—is true in every human being’s life. We’re disappointed by friends and people and jobs. Our institutions fail us and—

Dave: —marriage.

Barbara: —marriage, on and on and on. When you add being a believer on to that, then you have a different expectation. Many of us have an expectation of God—and I had this; nobody taught me this, I just came to this conclusion on my own—that because I surrendered my life to Jesus, and because I was trying to live for Him, and because I wanted to please Him, and because I was in fulltime missionary work, all of these things; I made these assumptions that my life would be easier.

Ann: That we would be exempt, maybe?

Barbara: I didn’t think it would be pain-proof entirely, but I did think that I was going to get a lighter dose, but the disappointments just kept coming, and the hard things just kept coming. They didn’t come constantly. There were seasons. Most of us have seasons of hardship, and then God gives us a reprieve, and things are good for a while and then something else [happens].

But sometimes the season is long, and sometimes it’s unending. We all know people who are dealing with things on a daily basis, and they’re hard things, and we don’t understand why.

Ann: Last night and this morning, I talked to my brother who has just recovered from cancer, prostate cancer. Just two weeks ago he went to the doctor. He had this sore on the end of his toe. They took his toenail off, and they found melanoma. Talking to him this morning, he’s entering into surgery today.

Dave: —right now—

Ann: —right now.

Dave: —while we’re doing this, he’s going to lose, probably, his big toe.

Ann: But all he did yesterday [was] he kept saying, “Why me, God? Haven’t I been through enough? Why am I going through more? How much can I take?”

I think all of us ask those questions.

Barbara: Yes, we do. We all ask those questions. At the heart of it is: “What are You doing, God?” which is the blame side.

Dave: Yes.

Barbara: God can take that, though.

Dave: Right.

Barbara: That’s the thing that I’ve discovered in the Scriptures, is that God, He can take that. And He knows that we feel that way, and He wants us to say that to Him; but he wants us to go past that. Go ahead and vent it all and express it all, but He wants to take us past that and say, like He said to Job [when] He began to speak to Job. How long? Nobody knows, but think about, how long Job suffered.

Ann: Oooh!

Barbara: It could have been months. Who knows? I’m sure he thought it was going to last forever; but in the end, Job saw God, and when he saw God, everything was okay. It hadn’t gone away. It didn’t minimize his suffering, but he was okay. I think God wants to do that with us. He wants to take us through our disappointment, through our blaming of Him, and show us Himself.

That actually happened in one of the stories in the Gospels, where the disciples got in the boat—

Dave: —yes—

Barbara: —and they were going across the sea, which they did multiple times. Jesus got in the boat with them, and He got His blanket or His shawl or His coat, or whatever, wrapped Himself up in it, and went to sleep in the front of the boat. He was tired. We forget He was human; He was tired, and He needed to sleep. It had been an exhausting day.

The disciples started rowing. They got out across, and the storm came, and the waves blew, and the boat was filling up with water. They were doing their best to keep the ship afloat and to stay on top and, probably, not bother The Master who was sleeping. So, they tried, and they rowed, and they worked, and they worked, and finally, woke Him up. The first words out of their mouths were: “Do you not care that we are perishing?”

Dave: Yes.

Barbara: I love that story because what they said to Jesus’s face in flesh—they were staring at the Savior, and they still said it to Him—is what we feel in our hearts. It’s what we say in our hearts, if we’re honest with ourselves.

Ann: Take us back into your journey, because if you write about this, you have felt it. We’ve all felt it, but you’re writing about it because you’re passionate about it. Where do you feel like it started for you?

Barbara: It started ages ago, although I didn’t really see—early on, I didn’t express disappointment to God because I thought that was wrong. I thought that was demonstrating that I didn’t believe, so I didn’t say that.

But when I was 28 years old, I had a heart episode. We discovered, after this heart episode, that I had a congenital heart defect that I was born with, that I had no idea even existed in my body until, one day, my heart started racing at 300 beats a minute. It raced for that pace, 300 beats a minute, for 8 hours.

I was lying in an intensive care unit. Dennis could only come in once every hour for five minutes. We had two kids. I was lying there, thinking I was going to die. He was in the waiting room, thinking I was going to die.

I was wondering, “What is happening to me? What is happening, God?” Yet, I didn’t ever voice, “You don’t care about me, God,” or I didn’t voice, “Why are you doing this to me?” I was just so shocked and bewildered and perplexed, because I did not understand what God was doing.

God graciously touched it [my heart]. I assume He touched it, because there’s no other explanation for why it went back to normal, but it did go back to normal. I was fine physically, but I was not fine as a person. I was on autopilot for the next year and a half or so. I was afraid all the time. I was suffering, I’m sure, from PTSD, which nobody knew what that was at the time; but I look back on it, and I think, “Yes, that’s what I had.”  Because I was just this numb person for months and months and months.

I was so perplexed and confused about God, because the God I thought I knew wouldn’t have done that. The God I thought I knew would have prevented that, because I was his child, and I was loyal to Him, and I was serving Him.

He didn’t prevent those things. So, I was very confused and very perplexed; but I remember, at the end of the day or at the end of the season, whichever it was—I remember thinking—kind of like what Peter said when he said, “But, Lord, who do we go to, for you alone have words of eternal life?”

At the end of the day, I just said, “Okay, I don’t get this. It makes no sense. I don’t know what You’re doing; I don’t know why You’re doing what You’re doing; I don’t know what this has to do with my life, but I trust You.” I remember finally coming to that place at some point.

Dave: In some ways, you were feeling like He’s asleep in the boat.

Barbara: Well, sure. That’s exactly what—

Dave: —look at what’s going on in my life and you’re not even—

Barbara: How many times have we all felt like He’s asleep in the boat?

Dave: Right, right.

Ann: [We think], “Do you see what’s happening?!”

Barbara: Yes, and we know He’s all-seeing. We know He’s present. We know he’s with us—

Ann: —and in control.

Barbara: It feels, for all the world, like He’s not around.

Ann: Yes.

Barbara: Like He’s not there, like He’s oblivious; but He’s not. There’s just this gap in our perception. I think it’s okay, and I think He wants us to experience all that.

Ann: I know your story and your background.

Barbara: Yes.

Ann: Not only did you have that [and] you had to have that fixed, but then Laura had it.

Barbara: Yes. We got hers fixed when she was 15 or 16 or something. Gratefully, there was an easy fix by the time it came around to her. It took a while for us to find a solution for me; but—

Dave: —buy you’ve lost grandkids.

Barbara: Yes, we have lost a granddaughter, and—

Dave: —you’ve gone through some real valleys.

Barbara: —we’ve had a journey with a prodigal. We’ve had a lot of stuff; way, way, way, way more than I ever dreamed when I was baby Christian and thought the road ahead was covered with rose petals. [Laughter]

Ann: So, what happened to you to get to the place where you could express your disappointment? Because a lot of people maybe are listening and [thinking], “Can we? Can we do that?”

Barbara: Oh, I know there are people listening who are saying that.

Dave: Right.

Ann: Yes!

Barbara: Because I’ve talked to them. They feel that it’s almost treasonous, in a sense, to say to God, “I’m very disappointed in You. Why did You do that?”

Interestingly, the answer to your question is: “It’s been recently.” When we turned over the leadership of FamilyLife six years ago, I started journaling. I had journaled off and on for years. I’ve got some journals, and they’ve got some entries in them, but I was never a consistent journaler.

But there were so many changes in our lives that happened. The whole process was great. We love David and Meg. Everything went well. We’re so proud of the FamilyLife team and what’s happening here, but hat doesn't mean it was easy for us.

Dave: Right.

Barbara: There were adjustments in our marriage because Dennis was now home 24/7, and he never was. [Lau4ghter] There were adjustments in all kinds of different areas in our lives. We’ve just had one thing after another for the last six years, lots of things. For me to be able to process, I started journaling about six months into that journey, and I have not stopped since then. I journal every day.

Ann: Really?

Barbara: What it’s become, more than anything, is it’s become more, for me, the way I talk to God. Because for so much of my Christian journey, my prayers have been interrupted by kids or interrupted by things—

Ann: [Laughing] —yes!

Barbara: —or start and stop. It doesn’t feel like a conversation. And since I started journaling, it really feels like more of a conversation. So, every day, I’ve started explaining and expressing and trying to put into words what I was feeling and what I was experiencing and what we were dealing with and asking God: “What are You doing in this? What do You want me to see about myself, about You?”

I think, in the course of that, I became freer and more relaxed. I started writing that I was disappointed, and I was struggling, and “This is hard,” and “I don’t understand what You’re doing,” and “Why are You doing this?”

Over the last six years, my conversation, even though it still feels very one-sided to me on my end, I know that He is in it, and I know that He is listening, and He is working through all of that. I’ve seen such a change in—I don’t know how to explain it—my relationship feels deeper, it feels stronger, it feels more stable—

Ann: —more intimate.

Barbara: —more intimate, because I’m being transparent with God.

Ann: Yes.

Barbara: He knows it all anyway. How crazy of me to think that I can’t tell Him those things He already knows!

Ann: Yet, you still feel like He loves you—

Barbara: —yes.

Ann: —even in the midst of you saying everything. Do you have anything that you’ve written that you could read to us?

Barbara: Yes.

Dave: Oh no, you’re digging into her journal.

Barbara: We’ll have to do that next time, because I don’t have it with me. [Laughter]

Ann: Okay. Because you’re such a good writer, and I think you are so good at expressing what you’re feeling. I think that’s helpful for people to know—

Barbara: —it’s very helpful.

Ann: — “She’s said that, too.”

Barbara: Well, you know, some of us are verbal processors. I’m married to a verbal processor.

Ann: I am.

Dave: I am, too. I’m married to one; she’s sitting right here. [Laughter]

Barbara: Okay. [To Ann] You’re married to one, too?

Ann: No, he is not.

Dave: No, she is.

Barbara: Okay.

Dave: I keep it in. She lets it out.

Ann: I know what’s going on in his life, but I don’t know what he’s feeling.

Dave: But I know what she is because it—

Barbara: —it’s out. Well, Dennis is out, and he’s a verbal processor. I’m not, and I never have been.

Dave: Oh.

Barbara: So, this has been really good for me, because I’m processing on paper; I can say what I want to say, what I feel deep down inside, and I know that God’s okay with that.

Ann: Is your soul healthier because of it?

Barbara: Oh, for sure!

Dave: If I were listening, and I was thinking, “Man, I am struggling with disappointment,” for whatever reason, would you say this is one of the first necessary steps? You’ve got to figure a way to get it out, whether you are yelling at God in a lament—

Barbara: -–oh, I think so.

Dave: —or you’re writing it.

Barbara: I think it’s really healthy for us to talk to God. I mean, when you look at the Gospels, the disciples had conversations with Him [Jesus].

Dave: Yes.

Barbara: They were so honest and transparent with Him, because He was right there. We forget that Jesus is right here, and we can talk to Him like they did. We think our talking to God has to be a prayer, it has to be in a certain way, we have to say certain things—

Dave: —eyes closed, head down.

Barbara: —all of the things. I’ve been writing some things recently for the blog, and I wrote in one recently: “I want you to talk to Jesus as if He’s standing in front of you, because when the disciples saw Jesus in that room on resurrection night, they did not get down on their knees and close their eyes and pray to Him.”

Ann: You’re right!

Barbara: They talked to Him!

Ann: Yes!

Barbara: They talked about how they felt and their—I mean Thomas wasn’t there then—but they talked to Him, because He’s a person. We forget Jesus is a person and He’s with us.

For me, writing in my journal is one way that I talk to Him as a person, because I know He’s with me, and He sees what I’m writing, and He knows anyway. It’s been really healthy for me.

Ann: Let me ask you this, Barbara, because we were interviewing a very well-known pastor, and I was telling him about when my sister died at 45 years old, and her four children were under her roof. I remember telling him: “I told God, ‘I’m so mad! I’m angry with You! I’m angry that You’ve allowed this to happen. It just doesn’t make sense!’”

Barbara: Yes, yes.

Ann: What he said to me was, “You know you’re in sin.”

Barbara: Seriously?

Ann: I was taken aback,—

Barbara: —I bet you were taken aback.

Ann: —because He’s my Father. I would tell my earthly father: “I’m mad. I don’t understand!”

Barbara: Yes.

Dave: Was David in sin when he wrote the Psalms—

Barbara: —no!

Dave: —where he’s complaining?

Barbara: Well, t says in the Psalms, “I pour out my complaint to God.”

Dave: Right.

Barbara: I think we don’t take that literally. He intends for us to. He’s our Father! He wants to hear it all.

Ann: I think He does.

Barbara: I think He does, too.

Ann: I think there are a lot of examples in the Bible—

Barbara: —absolutely!

Ann: —where it shows that. I have never seen God reprimanding, even with Job.

Barbara: No, He doesn’t.

Ann: Explain what you’ve discovered in Job, because Job did say, “God?!”

Dave: Chapter after chapter after chapter.

Barbara: Chapter after chapter, he was telling Him how he felt and what he was going through, and all he got was silence for chapter after chapter after chapter. I mean, it was a long, long time.

The great thing about Job is that we see, which Job didn’t see, the front end, where God gave permission. That is such a comfort to me and to all of us, that nothing enters our lives without God’s permission, because He does care for us, and He does monitor what comes into our lives, even though it doesn’t feel like it, like with your sister. That does not feel good at all, but God was in control of that; and He has a plan, and He will bring her through, and He will bring good out of it.

But back to the story of Job though: he went a very long time before he heard anything at all from God. And when he heard from God, God turned the tables on him and started asking him questions.

Ann: You don’t think He was asking in a reprimanding or mean kind of way?

Barbara: I don’t think so.

Ann: Because I did when I was younger. [Condescending voice] “Where were you?!”

Barbara: I probably did when I was younger, too. I think what God did is, I think, He pulled back the curtain for Job to say, “Okay, who am I? Where were you? I want you to see Me for who I am.” Because I think the message of the Bible is, when we see Him as He is, for who He is, it answers all our questions. We see Him as He is, and we worship Him, and we love Him.

That’s what happened to Job. He listened to this speech by God. He listened to all of this, and all of a sudden, I could just see him saying, “Oh, I’m so sorry, Lord. Forgive me.”

Dave: Yes, yes.

Ann: Yes, “I forgot.”

Barbara: “I forgot how great You are; I forgot how much You love me.” Because when we’re in pain, and when we’re suffering, we’re so into ourselves. It’s okay. God made us that way! But we are so prone to forget, so when we’re in our pain, the challenge is to continue to look to God.

That’s part of why the journaling has been so good for me, because when I’m in these seasons of disappointment or hard times, I just write it all out—

Ann: —that’s good—

Barbara: —because it allows me to express what’s in my heart. I know He’s listening, and I know He cares. And I always, at the end, remind Him, “But I will trust You;” which is interesting about the Psalms—speaking of the Psalms—that all of the Psalms end that way, except I think there’s only one—

Dave: Yes, there’s this journey you follow.

Ann: Yes.

Barbara: Yes, David and the other psalmists, they pour out their complaints, but they always end by saying, “Yet, I will trust You.”

Ann: Yes.

Barbara: I think as long as we end with, “I will trust You no matter what,” God’s perfectly fine with whatever we say.

Ann: That was my prayer about my sister: “I don’t understand. I’m so mad. I don’t get it.”

Barbara: Yes, that’s right.

Ann: “But I know that You love her, I know that You love me, and I will trust you.”

Barbara: Yes.

Ann: So, as we close, and I know that you’re looking up some Scripture, Dave—

Dave: I was just looking up when Job said, “Now, I’ve heard You, I’ve seen You.” I’m just trying to picture [it] exactly the way he did. He literally, at the end of that speech by God, said, “Now I—"

Barbara: “—I repent.”

Dave: Yes, because it is like [he said], “I knew about You, but now I see.”

Barbara: “I see.”

Dave: Yes, and that’s the hope, that we all get to that point, because sometimes we don’t get there; we’re stuck.

Barbara: I think that’s what God is trying to do: He wants us to see Him.

Ann: Yes. [For] the listener who’s just in it right now, what would your encouragement of what would your step be for them?

Shelby: We’ll hear that specific encouragement from Barbara Rainey here in just a second, but first, I’m Shelby Abbott, and you’ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with the co-founder of FamilyLife Today, Barbara Rainey herself, on FamilyLife Today. It’s been such a treat to have her here with us today. And she’ll be back again tomorrow.

This weekend, we’re reaching out to ask for your support in prayer for the upcoming Weekend to Remember^® event. Weekend to Remember is a marriage getaway designed to enrich and fortify marriages. Our next event is taking place in Scottsdale, Arizona from Friday, which is tomorrow, all the way through Sunday. With over 80 dates and locations available all over the nation, you have the flexibility to choose a venue that suits you best.

You can go on a Weekend to Remember marriage getaway as well. That’s right! For more details, and to explore all the locations that are available to you, head over to FamilyLifeToday.com and check out today’s show notes.

As you’ve heard, FamilyLife has a lot to offer you for marriages and families. One of the things that we offer in addition to FamilyLife Today is our podcast network of programs.

There are lots to choose from, including Married with Benefits^®. Our host is Brian Goins, and he’s joined again by Harvard-trained researcher and author, Shaunti Feldhahn.

This season, we’re talking about the surprising secrets of highly happy marriages; the little things that make a big difference. You can subscribe now wherever you get your podcasts, or head over to our YouTube^® channel. Just search for FamilyLife’s Married with Benefits.

Okay, here’s that specific encouragement from Barbara Rainey:

Barbara: Well, I would encourage two things; one would be to be truthful with God, be honest with Him. Use a journal, use your computer and type it out, whatever. Sometimes I type mine out because I have so much to say; but write your complaints to God; write your disappointments. Express what you’re feeling to Him, because He knows it anyway, He’s your father who loves you, and He wants to hear you say it to Him, because He’s a good daddy.

But then, secondly, get yourself in the Bible to read the Psalms. It’s one of the things I’ve done every day for the last six years. I read one portion of the Psalms every day; one Psalm, sometimes three or four. But there’s so much in the Psalms, so many words and phrases that express what you’re feeling. It’s remarkable how many of the Psalms write exactly what we feel.

Ann: Yes.

Barbara: Again, I think God gave those to us so that we can put words to what we’re feeling. The Psalms help us do that because the Psalms always go back to trusting God. So, I would say, journal and read the Psalms every day.

Shelby: Now, tomorrow, Barbara Rainey is back to explore coping with disappointment and loss of identity through Biblical insights on Mary and Martha’s story. We hope you’ll join us.

On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I’m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.

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