Enduring the Pain of Sickness & Death: Rechab & Brittany Gray

Rechab: Our intensity of our minds whenever we suffer is: “When is this going to be over? When is this going to stop?” Yet you see Jesus on the boat in the storm, chilling; asleep; knocked out. And so, instead of trying to fixate ourselves on, “When is this over?” resting in the One Who’s in it with us becomes the whole goal.

Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com.

Ann: This is FamilyLife Today!

Ann: Do you feel like, the last two days, we’re in this mini-series of this drama, and you can’t wait for today because you need to hear how it ends?

Dave: Yes, because I actually don’t know how it ends. [Laughter]

Ann: I know!

Dave: I sort of know, but I don’t really know, and I’m guessing our listeners feel the same thing.

Ann: Yes, and if you haven’t listened to the last two days, please go back, because we’ve been interviewing Rechab and Brittany Gray about their story. You guys are parents of four; you’re a pastor here in Orlando. You’ve had quite the journey; but yesterday, we ended at this crisis point of your life, because you didn’t know whether your second child, your daughter, was going to live or die.

Rechab: Yes.

Ann: So, thanks again for sharing this, because a lot of us, when we’re in pain, and our children are suffering, we don’t even know how to process it sometimes with God [or] with each other. We haven’t even asked how your marriage has endured through all the trial, because that affects our marriages, too.

Rechab: Yes, indeed.

Ann: So, your daughter was just airlifted to a hospital. You didn’t think she was going to make it, because it’s bitterly cold in Iowa; and yet, you find out that, as they airlifted her and she’s at a crisis point, her numbers were actually good. You thought she might die in the transfer.

Brittany: In the transfer, yes, yes.

Rechab: Yes, without a doubt; without a doubt.

Dave: Even yesterday. when you said, “Hey,” when you were telling Brittany, “Prepare yourself,”—that conversation in itself—“She might not make this flight;” Sickle Cell, cold; you knew the odds.

Rechab: Yes.

Brittany: Yes.

Dave: So, what happened?

Rechab: Well, God had a different story, and not only did she make it, but she arrived, and throughout the process, this is the first time she and I had actually been able to see her together.

Ann: Because it’s during Covid.

Rechab: Because it’s during Covid. So, we are literally in the room with her, just praying over her daily.

Brittany: She was on a ventilator,—

Rechab: —ventilator the whole time—

Brittany: —completely under the whole time. We were in the room, but we didn’t know if she could hear us or what was going on.

Ann: And you have a baby. You have an older son—

Rechab: Oh, yes.

Brittany: Oh, yes. [Laughter]

Ann: And you have a baby.

Rechab: And a baby.

Brittany: Yes. We have amazing parents. Our parents jumped on a flight pretty much immediately when they found out Zipporah was in the ICU.

Rechab: Yes.

Brittany: And so, both of our parents worked together to keep our kids, because we didn’t know how long we would be there. We didn’t know how long we would have to leave our home to take care of our other child, so the boys stayed at home with Grandma and Grandpa while we were out two hours away and unable to be with them and see them. And I was seven months pregnant—

Rechab: —yep! [Laughter]

Ann: —ohhh!

Brittany: —with our next one. Yes. The stay ended up being a lot longer than we knew, but we were grateful for that time, because we weren’t sure if we were—

Ann: —and your one-year-old did not have Sickle Cell.

Rechab: No.

Ann: I just asked you, and your other [child] that was born (who you were pregnant with) does not have it.

Brittany: No, she does not.

Ann: Let me ask you this, because I’m hearing this; do you know what’s going through my mind? PTSD. [Laughter] You talk about trauma! You’re walking through the greatest fears that parents have.

Rechab and Brittany: Yes.

Ann: So, did that affect your marriage at all? You’re probably not thinking, [Whining] “Oh, he’s not being romantic.” [Laughter] You’re thinking, “No, our child may not make it.”

Rechab and Brittany: Yes.

Ann: Because a lot of couples don’t make it when they face trauma that’s really deep like that.

Rechab: This is where I can just brag on Brittany. Through that pain of miscarriage, where she talked about being able to experience now high joys and low pain and sorrow, her depth of walk with Jesus got so deep during that time. Had it not been, because when things like that are happening, every moment of stress is exacerbated ten times.

Ann: Yes.

Dave: Yes, or a hundred times.

Rechab: Or a hundred times or a thousand times. Every little thing becomes the worst thing, so any little stress is like, “We need to fight over this.” But, man, seriously, our relationship got so deep during that time. It happened first through the miscarriage. I was running super hard in ministry, and I had to stop.

But that halt gave me things to think about: “Why do I care so much about this? Is this really for the Kingdom of God, or do I like the applause?” I had to ask some hard questions, and it changed me. It literally shifted me. By the time this all happened, I was in a different place, but so was she.

So, it was like God, through the miscarriages, was preparing us for what we were to face. Seriously, our depth of closeness was so close during that time and during that season, and that was necessary for the roller coaster ride we were going to be on with her in the hospital.

But by the grace of God, about a month later almost, she was fully taken off the ventilator, and we were ultimately discharged. This is what was crazy, though—and this is a part of the story I don’t think many people actually know, so this might be a first or something: the day we get back to Des Moines, within hours, my son begins to complain of the same exact pain that brought her into the hospital.

Ann: Noooo!

Dave: No way.

Brittany: Same day.

Rechab: Same day, like clockwork. Every single thing she said was happening to him. And we go in the hospital, exact same thing. His oxygen is low. I’m [thinking], “Lord!”

Ann: I mean, how much is too much? Are you thinking that?

Rechab: Yes, legit. Legit.

Ann: Like, “What?”

Rechab: That was where it was like, “This is more than we can bear.” But we’re not bearing it alone. I love what Paul says in 2 Corinthians: “to show that the excessiveness of power is not our own but is from the Lord.” [2 Corinthians 3:5] It really was just God’s strength at that point in time. We had nothing left! There was no “Alright, let’s gear up.” Done gearing up. It was like, “Lord, You’re just going to literally have to pick us up and carry us through this.” It was dope, because the doctors (because they had seen my daughter), were far more aggressive with treatment.

Ann: Oh!

Rechab: So, what could have been another month of intubation and life flighting, turned into just a week in that hospital, and he was able to go home. But as you pile up all these things, [and] she’s also now seven months pregnant, it was so overwhelming. We felt like, “We just have to get out of here.”

Ann: I’m feeling it for you! [Laughter] I’m thinking, “What? What? What?!?”

Rechab: Yes.

Ann: Brittany, I’m just thinking: one, you just had this baby; two, you’re pregnant, so hormones are all over the place. Then you have your mama’s heart with your daughter, and now your son goes back in. Are you on your face before God, or are you just so numb in survival that you can’t even function?

Rechab: That’s a good question.

Brittany: That is a good question. Yes, I think what he said is right. During that time watching my daughter in the hospital, in the hospital bed, unresponsive; not able to communicate with us, and we don’t know what’s going on. Every now and then the ICU nurse runs in because something flares up—

Ann: —ohhh!

Brittany: —and you’re like, ”Okay, okay, she’s fine. She’s fine.” Doing a lot of research of my own. We were fortunate; we have a couple nurses and doctors in our family, so we’re texting them. “What does this mean? What does that mean?” Yes. I think I remember this specifically: I remember him calling me when she first got intubated. I remember sitting on the stairs, and I remember that call. I remember saying, “Rechab, are we going to lose our daughter?”

And I remember being sad, but I remember being at peace. [Emotional, long silence] And that peace kept me, which is funny because that’s what the Lord showed me when I first came to Christ, that peace. I’m just so amazingly supported by this man. He encourages me to get in my Word and pray; and so, at that season of not being able to communicate with my daughter, reading and praying was what we were doing.

Dave: Where could you identify that peace coming from? How did you have it?

Brittany: God-given. Absolutely God-given, because like you said, I’m a mom. That’s literally what my job was. I wasn’t working full time. I was a mom! That’s what I do. That’s who I am. I would identify myself as, primarily, first, before I’m “Children’s Ministry Team,” I am a mom.

So, for me to be okay with the thought of, “I had nine years with this girl, and it was wonderful;” [tearful] and for me to be okay with, “If this is how things end, I will be okay,” was absolutely from the Lord; absolutely from the Lord.

Dave: It’s quite a journey. If our listeners have been listening for the last couple of days—I don’t know if it was yesterday or two days ago, I don’t even remember—where you said, initially, with your children born with Sickle Cell, you thought, “We’re being punished.”

Rechab and Brittany: Yes.

Dave: I had a little brother die, when I was seven and he was five, of leukemia.

Rechab: Oh, wow.

Dave: I’m pretty sure my dad went to his death bed believing it was punishment for his adulterous affairs.

Rechab and Brittany: Oh, Jesus.

Rechab: Wow.

Dave: I think he really felt like that was a punishment for his sin. That’s where you guys started.

Rechab and Brittany: Yes.

Dave: That’s what you were feeling, and here you are, toward the end of this thing—There’s a passage in John 9. We’re looking at Mr. Bible over here. [Laughter]

Rechab: No, sir.

Dave: I’m guessing you know John 9?

Rechab: No; no, I don’t.

Dave: That’s the passage where He heals the blind man, and the question to Jesus is, “Who sinned? Was it him or his parents, that he was born blind?” They were thinking the same thing: “God is punishing somebody with this disease.”

Rechab and Brittany: Yes.

Dave: So, as you think about even that, that journey, I know there is a listener or thousands, because it’s sort of almost human nature; we feel like we get rewarded for good and punished for bad.

Brittany: That’s true.

Dave: What do you say to a parent who may think there’s punishment in their family, or to another family member, probably a child, like you, and they think it’s because of their sin?

Rechab: A quick response is: in Christ, the wrath of God has been satisfied.

Brittany: Absolutely.

Dave: There you go.

Rechab: It’s such a strange thing to fully embrace, but not embracing it will only lead to more sin. This is why the evil one wants to keep that lie in front of us. We think if we believe it’s punishment, that we’ll then stop. But it’s actually like, if we believe it’s punishment from God, it actually leads to just more stuff, because we don’t realize that God is wooing us to Him and not away from Him.

So, God does discipline His children. Hebrews makes that clear; but His discipline is always, always kind and gracious and good for us. There are going to be some painful moments in life. Without a doubt, we experience painful moments in life, but in Christ pain is not unredemptive. The amount of things that changed our walk, that transformed our experience with Christ through all of these things, from Sickle Cell—it matured us crazy fast, and we needed to be, married at 21.

I don’t know what we would be had our kids not had Sickle Cell, because I think I’d still be a selfish knucklehead. It was seeing my son in pain that changed, even, how I loved her. Who knows what happens without even experiencing the loss of children? And I say all that not because those things are good things.

We don’t celebrate suffering, but we can celebrate the Savior Who is able to redeem suffering and turn it into something transformative. And in our lives, those things have been bedrocks of our lives. I will say this: we would never ask for it to happen again. Do you want pain? No. But can we learn the deep lessons without it? I don’t think so.

Ann: I think that’s a good reminder that our kids—we hate, hate, hate when our kids go through pain; but I asked you when we took a break, I bet your kids are mature, those two older kids?

Rechab: Oh, yes!

Ann: I bet they’re not the typical teenagers.

Dave: Brag on them. What are they like?

Rechab: Yes, special.

Brittany: Yes.

Rechab: My son is like—I don’t know how to explain this, but he plays just as critical a role as we do in the home. He’s been through so much transition, so much change, so many things that didn’t go his way. God used pain in that young man’s life to create a dude that I don’t just love as a son; I admire him as a man. So, yes, he’s special; a special, special kid. Yes.

Ann: What about your daughter, Brittany?

Brittany: Yes, she is a caretaker at heart. She, without question, will always go and comfort, specifically children, but she’ll comfort even adults. She loves to take care of others and just meet needs and things like that. And let me tell you, they are both so creative. She’s really passionate about sewing right now. She’s been sewing dresses for herself, for me, for others; making pillows, clothes for people.

Rechab: Pillows, clothes, baby clothes.

Brittany: Doing it of her own volition. I don’t know how to sew, and she knows how to do everything, based on looking at YouTube videos. She’s taken a couple library courses just to have that. “You want to go to this adult sewing class to learn how to do this project?” She says, “Okay,” and she just does it on her own. I don’t even go in with her anymore.

Ann: I bet your 3- and 4-year olds, too, really admire them.

Brittany: Oh, my gosh, they love them.

Rechab: Yes, yes, yes.

Ann: That’s so sweet.

Dave: Well, what about your marriage? You weathered a storm.

Brittany: Yes.

Ann: Many storms.

Dave: There are probably other storms on the horizon. A lot of couples don’t make it. They go through something like you’ve gone through, and they don’t make it. Or, [as] you said earlier, when you’re in it, everything is heightened; your anger, your frustration can come out at your spouse.

Brittany: Yes.

Dave: So, talk to the couple that maybe is going through a storm right now, and they’re not doing well. How would you help them?

Rechab: I think the big thing is recognizing perspective in the storm. Our intensity—and maybe it’s just because we’re westerners, and we have everything at the tip of our fingers, the intensity—of our minds whenever we suffer is, “When is this going to be over?” That is our focus. We are fixated on it, we’re locked in: “When is this going to stop?”

And yet, you see Jesus on the boat, in the storm, chilling; asleep; knocked out. The dope thing about what you see in Jesus’ life is, obviously, yes, that’s the Messiah. But fast forward to when Peter’s locked up in prison. He’s so knocked out, the text says the angel has to literally poke him in the stomach—this is in the text, because he has so learned to rest in the storm.

And so, instead of trying to fixate ourselves on: “When is this over?” resting in the One Who’s in it with us becomes the whole goal. So, stuff comes up now; you talked about PTSD. Anytime she calls me, “What’s happening?” And the first thought is, “Somebody’s going to the hospital; something happened at the crib; something’s going down.” We have the PTSD of that.

We also—our oldest have only lived in the hood, so we—just have so much stuff; but that pain has brought about an understanding that, no matter what’s about to encounter us, there’s a God Who is over it, and there’s a God Who’s in it. And that, in and of itself, can keep two people locked in. It’s like a reminder: “Babe, there’s a God Who’s over it; there’s a God Who’s in it.” “Hey, honey, there’s a God Who’s over it; there’s a God Who’s in it.”

And if each party can bring one another back to that mindset of sobriety, it takes the focus off of looking at that person as the enemy, and now, you realize: “Really, the enemy is the one who’s causing the problem.” But if there’s a God Who’s over it, and there’s a God Who’s in it, even the enemy can’t create the havoc that he wants to. So, we can literally sleep and rest, and we did.

When our daughter seems to be dying, we can lock in and play games when it seems like the suffering won’t stop. And we can experience deep moments of prayer and reflection and Scripture reading. “What are you reading right now?” “Nehemiah. What are you reading right now?” “I Thessalonians.” And we get to talk about: “Yo, how does that connect?” in the middle of suffering.

So, if the habit is built outside of it, the habits will continue on in the middle of it. I just believe the sovereignty of God and the empathy of God allow for us to experience closeness even when we’re in pain.

Ann: That’s so good! Rechab, I’m wondering and just thinking about parents who are just in it—whether they have a prodigal, because that’s hard, too, and parents are blaming themselves, they don’t know what to do; it could be sickness, it could be mental things that are going on with their kids or depression. I’m just wondering if you would pray over these parents that are listening?

If you’re listening, and this is you, stop for a minute and just receive this prayer.

Rechab:

Father, we thank You that You are our Father. You know what You’re doing. You’re training us to do it as a mirror reflection of You. I think to Manoah, the father of Samson. [He] asked all the right questions, had all the right desires, loved You, and yet, Samson grew up and made horrible decisions. Lord, right now, even through that passage, I pray some parent is comforted that Manoah isn’t blamed, and neither are they.

But Lord, even if there have been ways that they have not been as faithful as they desire, would You remind them right now the truth from II Timothy, that when even they are faithless, You remain faithful, for You cannot deny Yourself? [2 Timothy 2:13] This is all, ultimately, You. You called them to be parents, You are the Heavenly Father, You are the One Who is training them to do their job a reflection of You; and You sent Your Son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for each failure that all of us have had as parents and as sons and daughters.

And then You rose from the dead victoriously, in order to empower us to be better parents than we ever could have been without Him, and to be better sons and daughters than we ever could have been without Him. And Lord, we thank You right now that we will not live defeated parent lives, but when we fail, we will confess, not only to You but to our children, and where we have been strong, will You encourage us to be even stronger in that area?

And for all the in-betweens, the nooks and crannies, the cracks, the crevices, all of the brokenness in our lives, may we always be reminded that when You called us to be parents, You made a contract, not with us, but with Yourself. You signed both sides in the blood of Christ. And so, for that, we say thank You. And all we can do is long for the day when all that You began will be brought to completion when Jesus Christ returns.

We love You, and we thank You, and we honor You. And it’s in Jesus’ mighty, matchless, and majestic name we pray. Amen.

Dave and Ann: Amen.

Shelby: Yes, I’ve known Rechab for a few years now, and all that passion you hear in prayers like the one you just heard him pray, that passion is the real deal with him. That guy loves Jesus, understands the gospel, and knows the Scriptures. It kind of just spills out of him all the time. I hope you’ve really been encouraged by him and his wife Brittany over the last three days that they have been with us here on this program.

I’m Shelby Abbott, and you’ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Rechab and Brittany Gray on FamilyLife Today. Again, it’s such a tremendous blessing to have them with us over the last few days.

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Now, coming up tomorrow, David and Meg Robbins are going to be with us, talking about debunking the myth of perfect parenting. Do you ever wonder if you’re a perfect parent, or can you be a perfect parent? David and Meg are going to be here to blow that up in the best way possible. That’s tomorrow. We hope you’ll join us.

On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I’m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.

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