God’s People & Sibling Rivalry: Amberly Neese

Amberly: It's been such a joy to be on the show the last couple of days, but I can't tell you how thrilled I am that we get to take this to the next level. We have created a devotional and video series that we get to share with our listeners to help promote peace. There's a wonderful translation that talks about turning our conflict into cooperation, and that's what we get to do; so I'm excited about that.

In this climate of reckless exchanges and opinionated division, we need practical biblical wisdom. I've had the honor of preparing some great tools for our listeners to do just that, and I'm thrilled. You can get that on FamilyLifeToday.com—and it is F-to the R-to the EE—free, which one of my favorite words in the English language; super excited about that. We get to dive into the bridges to really go over the chasm of division within the body of Christ when it comes to how to be used by the Holy Spirit to be an instrument of peace.

Amberly: I think it's interesting: the word, “lousy,” is in the word, “jealousy.” I think that's very telling that that would be the case, because it stinks to live your life like that. So being able to see something in somebody else, and admire, “I think that that's beautiful.”

Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

Dave: So my question to you is: “Did you ever have rivalry sibling with your brothers and your sister?”

Ann: Wait; what'd you say?

Amberly: —sibling rivalry.

Dave: I meant, did you ever have a rival with your sibling? Did you ever have sibling—I can't talk today—I, literally, can't talk!

Amberly: It's a good thing you're not a talk show host or something, because that would be awkward.

Dave: Alright, let me start this way: “So seriously, did you, and Jim, and Bill, and Barb ever get into major conflicts?”

Ann: Did we have sibling rivalry?

Dave: Yes; that one.

Ann: Not much—but my sister and I—we ended up being best friends. But that six years between us—I, as this little tomboy; and she liked everything perfect, perfectly put in place—and I remember one day she was leaving. She was in high school, and she said, “I don't want you to ever touch my clothes. Don't touch them!” And she had this built-in [closet] that held all of her blouses—and they were just perfect—perfectly hung, perfectly ironed. And so she left, and I tried on every single shirt. And guess what? I didn't hang them up. There was a fight when she got home.

Dave: You just left them there?

Ann: Yes; yes. “I'll show you; I'm going to touch them and try them on.”

Dave: Wow!

Ann: And so yes, we really did have some—

Dave: Forty-four years of marriage to you, and I've never heard that story.

Ann: Really?!

Dave: Boy, that’s: “Wow!”

Amberly: I've heard of somebody being a turncoat, but never a turn-blouse. I mean, that is really bad.

Ann: Do you think that I'm rebellious? Does that change your view?

Amberly: Yeah, yeah.

Ann: See, that's what's inside.

Amberly: We’re going to need to have a conversation after this.

Ann: I wasn't a believer then; can I say that?

Amberly: Okay; pre-Jesus; got it. Alright; alright; I'm down.

Dave: Amberly Neese is the voice you're hearing over here. Amberly, you're here to help us. Can you help us?—help Ann. I mean, I can do the same thing.

But as we're talking today about common ground—finding commonality and loving people [who] are different—

Ann: This is a great Bible study, by the way.

Amberly: Thank you; thank you! I love it.

So in full disclosure, I have a great relationship with my sister; but it did not start off that way. I was four years old; and the world revolved around me, or so I thought, at four years old. My life was joyful, and happy, and birds singing; butterflies flapping; and then, my mother brings home my sister.

Ann: What?! How could she do that?

Amberly: I know! And everybody kept—all the people would come over—they would talk. First of all, grown adults would be reduced to these little—they'd say, “Hey, Amberley; how are you doing?”—and then, they'd go [baby-talk], “Oh, look at the baby—[babbling sounds].” And I just thought, “What is wrong with these people?” And they would make a big fuss.

She had this little tuft of hair that stuck out. I don't know what it is about humans; but we think it's adorable when they have something like that, that we put a bow on it. At four years old, I decided, “You know what? That's got to stop.” And so I took my mom's pinking shears—which are the ones that look like Charlie Brown's/the front of Charlie Brown’s shirt—to that little tuft of hair. And I don't remember ever being in so much trouble.

We did get along for the most part: we'd be playmates; and then, we'd have seasons that were much more difficult. And so—when I was approaching the idea of “How do we get along with others, despite our differences?”—I thought, “Well, the best source material I know of is the one of siblings—because they can be our greatest cheerleaders; and they can also squish us, like bugs, the most quickly—because they know who we are.” And so that's what I did is I explored some of the relationships in the Bible—of siblings in the Bible—to try to help give us some encouragement of how to get along with brothers and sisters in Christ.

Ann: And this is a great time to have this kind of a Bible study; because within a political year, there's a lot of controversy, a lot of tension. And so learning to get along with someone, maybe [who] has different views, is really important. And a biblical view of how to do it is even more important.

Amberly: Absolutely. I mean, that's always the right answer, right?—the biblical view is always the right answer. I think some of us are dealing with it in our pews; and some of us are dealing with it in our homes, where there's discord when it comes to stuff like that. And so yeah, I think we can all learn from these amazing relationships.

Dave: Well, you start with jealousy.

Amberly: I do.

Dave: And who's better than Joseph and his brothers?

Amberly: Right! Absolutely; they are.

Dave: So walk us through some lessons from that. I mean, we're going to watch the video—people are going to [view] it at FamilyLifeToday.com—but I'd love to hear just an overview.

Amberly: Yes; well, I mean, first of all, I love the story of Joseph—

Ann: Me, too; it’s one of my favorites.

Amberly: Is it?

Ann: Yeah.

Amberly: Tell me what you love about it.

Ann: No, you go first; because we’re going to—

Dave: Look at that; look at that: she just did what you did.

Amberly: Wow; wow! You just used my tactics against me.

But the truth is: I love the story. First of all, I think it's such a visual story: I can really see, it in my mind's eye, when it comes to kind of recreating what that might have looked like. But I think part of it is the relatability of a sibling.

But here Joseph comes—completely, his father's favorite—and he makes no bones about it. I mean, I think he's just super comfortable in his skin. So he is like, “Okay; well, so as the favorite here,”—and it frustrates the brothers. He was the son of Jacob's favorite wife, which adds a whole other—you talk about a Jerry Springer episode; there's a lot of crazy—but the truth is: you have these siblings, who harbor jealousy, all the time, against their brother. And again, I can see where they're coming from; it made a lot of sense.

Ann: Jacob didn't even hide it!

Amberly: No.

Ann: I mean, if you're going to buy a coat—make a coat, get a coat—for one of your kids, and nothing for the others, that creates something.

Amberly: You're stirring the pot for sure! So, 100 percent, I think we can all say, “Yeah, they did have a leg to stand on when it came to that”; but they allowed that jealousy to harbor. So the more that we do that—the more that we get jealous—I call it “the compare snare.” We get caught in “the compare snare” when we have jealousy against a brother or sister; it entraps both parties. And the truth of matter is nobody wins when that happens.

“And so what do we do?” I think it's interesting: the word, “lousy,” is in the word, “jealousy.” I think that's very telling that that would be the case, because it stinks to live your life like that. “So how do we combat that?” Well, we can look at the stories in the Bible and “How did they…”

Well, there was a little bit of separation—that's good; that's not a terrible thing—not for extended periods of time, but to allow yourself the opportunity to step back; and say, “Man, I'm really struggling with jealousy.” I know; I had this with my sister. My sister was an amazing athlete—I was a good athlete—my sister was amazing. She would say, “Oh, my; is this a…”—whatever sport it was—she'd pick it up, and be like, “Oh my; I just made the state team.” I mean, it was unbelievable; she was unbelievable. And I let jealousy kind of come in.

Your sister clearly spent her money on blouses; mine spent her money on perfume. She loved good perfume. I worked at a clothing store; so oftentimes, I would bring stuff home. She'd wear my clothes, which was totally frustrating. So one day, I had a date; and I thought, “You know what? I'm going to take one her perfumes. I'm going to put some of her perfume on.”

Well, what I did not know—because I only got my perfume at the drugstore—is that good perfume: part of its allure is that it connects with your body chemistry—your pheromones—and makes a new fragrance, which is great.

Dave: That I've never heard.

Amberly: Oh, yes; so she had this stuff called Paloma Picasso, which just sounds bougie. It was so awesome; and the bottle was beautiful, and it was sitting up there. It was just wanting to be used, and so I obliged; I put it on. The nice gentleman picked me up, and I got in the car. He closed the car door, and I remember thinking, “Oh my; what has died in his vehicle? What fast food has lived its last days in this Toyota? This car smells terrible.” And then I realized it was me.

Dave: It really was?

Amberly: I smelled it; I thought, “Oh, my.” It was like stench—it was stench—it was terrible! And I realized it was because I was trying to be somebody that I wasn't—I wasn't sticking with my own fragrance—I was trying to be somebody else. And that never works out! Again, nobody wins when that happens. And so one of the things that we can learn is that a little bit of separation—but also, to not get caught in that “compare snare”—when we look at our brothers and sisters in Christ.

Ann: My sister and I, even though we were six and a half years apart, I don't know why—but we were very different in every way—but I was enthralled with her. And I remember we used to go into the bathroom together to get ready for bed. And I remember looking into the mirror, and I would say, “I love your skin. I wish I had your skin.” And then, which was so gracious of her, to look down at her little sister, and she said, “Oh, I always wanted your hair.” And so we would go, back and forth, complimenting of what we wish we could have of the other person. And we'd talk about: “If we put those things on each other, we could make a really spectacular woman,”—if we had all those different parts of one person.

And then, we were in the hospital—because she passed away at 45—and we were sitting in the hospital bed. I sat, cross-legged, while she was hooked up to everything. But she scooted up, and sat up in the bed. She took my hand, and she said, “I still just love your hair. How I wish I had your hair.” And I said, “And I wish I had your hands.” And we went through all these new things that we loved about each other. There's something great when we're not in competition; because we see the lovely, the beautiful, the spectacular in each other.

Amberly: Yes, yes!

Ann: And Joseph and his brothers could not see it.

Amberly: They couldn't!

Ann: No.

Amberly: They absolutely couldn't see it. And again, when we come to our faith legacy—we're talking about the nation of Israel; these are giant people in our faith history—and yet, they couldn't see their nose past their face.

Ann: And haven’t you thought this?—when you read the story—“Joseph must have been incredibly brilliant to do the things that he did, later in life. He's leading and governing, basically, an entire country.”

Amberly: But he was missing some EQ [emotional intelligence], as a kid.

Ann: Yes!

Dave: Oh, yes.

Amberly: Let’s be honest.

Ann: Yes!

Amberly: He may have had IQ—but EQ— he did not stand in that line at all at the very beginning. But you know what? He also learned that: so being able to see something in somebody else, and admire, “I think that that's beautiful.” Again, there's the word, “mirror,”—even in the word, “admirer,” there's “admire,” which is to look—so you look at it, and you admire it; that's one thing.

But to harbor in your heart—“I wish…”—then, that disconnects you from that person, whether that's a sibling or somebody else. I have it with Christian authors, women of God—that I'm so thankful for them, and I'm so thankful for the work that God did in their lives in order for them to do it—but you get to my soul, and you ask my soul, “How do you really feel about that person, who just sold eight gazillion of those books?” In my soul, I'm like, “Why not me?” And you know what that does? It doesn't do anything for me—it doesn't enhance my spiritual life; it doesn't help them—so what have I done? I've allowed jealousy to put a chasm between the two of us.

And as I grow in my faith, I'm less likely to do that; I'm more likely to say: “Man, I'm so excited for you that this happened. Praise the Lord; that's so cool,” because it's kingdom work; so there's no competition. And the more that I grow, the more that I can do that. “Is that always the case?”—No.

Ann: Do guys have that?

Dave: Oh, of course! I mean, in every area, it's no different: it could be appearance; it could be in the weight room. I mean, you walk around, it's like: “Why can't I lift that much? Why don't my muscles…”—I mean, whatever it is—performance, financial.

But one of the things you say in this session about how to get out of that snare—what'd you call it?—

Amberly: “Compare snare.”

Dave: —"compare snare”—is to focus on the goodness of God.

Amberly: Yes!

Dave: So it's one thing to focus on: “Well, they have gifts, and I want to appreciate those,”—that's awesome. But the other side is like: “God has blessed me; there's goodness that I have in my own life”; and get my eyes off of them. Go vertical, and go, “Okay, I don't need to be jealous; I am a blessed person.”

Amberly: Absolutely!

Dave: I can focus on that rather than always comparing.

Amberly: Yes; absolutely. I totally love that. When—

Dave: Well, you said it; you better love it!

Amberly: Yes; but you said it more articulately. Yes, thank you for that. So what you're saying is that you saw that gift in me, and you were able to say it without any animosity between the two of us.

Dave: There you go; yes, I’m a little jealous.

Amberly: Way to go.

When I was born, I was the first grandchild on my father's side; but they were certain I was a boy. So I went like seven days without a name, because my parents were convinced I was a boy. So they had a boy's name picked out; they didn't even have a backup plan. Surprise! Anyway, my grandparents were on board with this boy-thing as well. And so, for my first birthday, I got a really expensive rod and reel. My grandfather was a fisherman, and felt like every boy should have a rod and reel. And so they didn't even take it back when they found out I was a girl. And so for my first birthday—which: “How appropriate is giving a really expensive rod and reel to a one-year-old?”—but there we were.

And so we were living in northern California. I asked my mom one day, when I was old enough to, I guess, hold it—so maybe less than five—“Can I take this to the beach?” She said, “Sure”; and so she taught me how to cast. But then as soon as something tugged, which was probably not a fish—because we didn't have any bait; I was just learning how to cast—it was probably some kind of kelp. I chucked that thing as far as—like a javelin [sounds of it hitting the water]—into the water—

Ann: Oh, no!

Amberly: —of course, never to have it again. It was super expensive.

I think, oftentimes, when we think about casting our cares on God, or casting our jealousy aside, I think we think of it more like being a fisherman, where you hold onto a big piece and let a little piece go. When, really, it's more like the way I was as a kid: casting means letting it go—truly letting it go—not holding onto anything, and giving God the little piece at the end; but instead, really letting it go/being able to cast that.

Ann: But Amberly, how do you do that? I think most of us—we don't want to be jealous; we don't want to compare—but we don't know how to necessarily cast it. And let's say we say, “Here, Jesus…”; then, in two minutes, it's back. So give us some tips on how to walk through that.

Amberly: I'm so glad that you asked that. And I think, in full disclosure, it's a disconnection from God. If we know who we are in Christ—if we are clear in his Word who we are and who He says we are—then there's absolutely no place for jealousy. In fact, when we talk about love—right?—"Love is patient; love is kind, it does not envy; it does not boast. It's not self-seeking,”—all of those things. If we are really in touch with the love of God, and we've embraced the love that He extends to us, then jealousy really has/there's zero room for it in the zip code of our lives. And so, when we feel that jealousy, the first thing is to remind ourselves who we are.

Now, I'm a 54-year-old woman, sometimes reminding myself who I am is: “Where are my keys?” “What am I doing?” “How's this going?” “What was my name?’” Again, what that means is getting back to: “Who am I, really?”—not all the stuff I do, not any of the books I sell or audiences I speak to—but: “Who am I? I am a child of God.” You know what that means?—the God of the universe; the God who put the stars into place, also, put the stars in my eyes—I mean, He made me. And as the psalmist says, “I know that full well. I'm fearfully and wonderfully made; I know that full well.”

And there are days I don't know that full well; I don't embrace it fully. And when that happens, that's when jealousy creeps in. So it, to me, is like this: “Hey, pay attention! If I'm feeling jealousy, it's because I haven't spent enough time in God's Word.”

Dave: Years ago at my church—we have different campuses—but live teaching at each campus. So at that time, one of us would write the message; and then, different preachers would make it their own and preach it. I wrote this message this one weekend, and I got done preaching at my campus. The next day, I ran into some lady from one of the other campuses, and she says, “Hey, I was at the Clinton Township campus yesterday; and Chris said this line. It was the most life-changing line I've ever heard in my life.” And I looked at her, I go, “Really? What'd he say?” And I'm thinking he added something. She quotes a line I wrote, word for word; I don't remember what it was. She goes, “It was genius; it was like life-changing.” I couldn't believe what happened to my soul; it’s like, “That wasn't his line; I wrote that line.”

Amberly: Wait, wait, wait; so my question is: “Did you say it out loud?”

Dave: No!

Amberly: You didn't say—

Dave: This is what I thought.

Amberly: “Well, I'm so glad you lied to everybody.”

Dave: That's what I wanted to say—

Amberly: Of, course!

Dave: I wanted to go, “Well, I wrote that; I'm glad Chris used it.” But I could tell I was jealous that he was getting credit for something I did, and he was perfectly fine to do that. We share our messages, like, “You like it, and it fits, wear it.”

I remember thinking, “Oh, my goodness; am I that insecure that I have to tell some strange lady, I'm probably never going to see again, that I'm more important than Chris?—and she should be praising me for that line, not him.” I just remember thinking, “This is going to ruin that whole sermon for her if I go, “Hey…” So I just had to eat it. I remember I got in the car, and I remember thinking—and I had not watched your video yet; this was years ago—the thing that helped me, as I drove home, was like, “Thank God that He gave any of us the line.

Amberly: Agreed.

Dave: “It’s truth; who cares who wrote it?”

Amberly: Agreed; agreed.

Dave: It's like, “Thank You, God, for that. I'm so glad Chris could share it, and somebody's life was changed.”

“What am I doing?!”—it's that simple identity—"Who am I?—

Amberly: Yes, gratitude.

Dave: —“Can I walk in a room and not have to impress anybody?”—because I'm already—

Amberly: Totally.

Dave: Yeah, that's identity.

Ann: Well, you talk about gratitude, even in this story.

Amberly: I do.

Ann: Go there with it: “How do we get that kind of gratitude in our hearts?”

Amberly: I think that that's a practice. Gratitude is a muscle, just like any of the other muscles that we have. And when we first start, it's clunky. Just like when we start employing the use—you were talking about going to the gym—I have a friend, who always says that she feels like, “Oh, working out makes you feel so young again.” She's like, “I'm so weak; I'm like a newborn baby.” I mean, that's how it feels, right?

But once you start employing that, you get to a place where it becomes easier. Malcolm Gladwell calls it the 10,000 hours. I don't think it takes 10,000 hours; but if we get to a place, where we're consistently practicing gratitude toward God—again, jealousy dissipates when that happens—if you're spending so much time saying, “Wow, God; I get another day. You've not only made this day; You've given me something to rejoice and be glad in it. How cool is that?” If you're so in that place, you don't have enough time to look at your brothers and sisters and feel jealousy; right?

When I was in fifth grade, we moved to a new state. I wanted friends so desperately, I was so desperate to fit in. And one thing that I did well was that I was a smarty. I was never the smartest kid in the class—there were always kids that were smarter—but I played the academic game well. It's probably why I became a professor; I played the academic game well. I always knew when to study; I always knew what to study. People would call me and say, “What page in the book..” kind of thing.

There was a boy in my class, who never studied/never did anything. He asked if he could copy my paper one time. We were at recess, and he said, “Can I copy your paper?” I said, “No, you can't copy my paper. That's totally plagiarism,”—it was in the ‘80s—I probably did talk like that. Anyway, he said, “Please; I'll get in so much trouble if I don't pass this test.”

And I thought, “You know what? I don't care if he does well.” I know it's wrong—kids listening: “It's wrong to plagiarize,”—but anyway, I let him copy my paper. There was a lot of stress; I'd never done anything like it before. I'd never been a criminal before; this was new territory for me. I was freaking out. Finally, I let it happen; all is well. And you know what? We totally got away with it. There was this elation, like, “Okay! I won”; because I did well on the test. He won, because he did well on the test—no harm; no foul—it's all good.

And at the end of the day, Mrs. Fowl, our fifth grade teacher, says, “Everybody can go except Brian and Amberly.” And of course, Brian's the one who copied my paper. So then, I started to cry; and I'm doing all the things. She said, “Something happened today that's not happened in all my years of teaching.” Just so you know—if you're a teacher—we know how to lay it on thick. She said, “I got everyone's paper. No paper with Brian's name on it, and two papers with Amberly's name.” He had copied my paper so perfectly—

Dave: No, way!

Ann: Oh, he did not!

Amberly: Oh! Yes, he did!

Ann: No!

Amberly: He wrote my name at the top of the paper.

Ann: Dude!

Amberly: I know; I started my life of crime with the stupidest human ever.

Anyway, long story short, later on that year, I asked Jesus to be my Savior. And all I could remember thinking is—this is just like Matthew 5—the pastor was talking about: “Let your light so shine before men that they can see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.” And all I could think of was, “Oh, this is just like the paper—my job is to copy the example of Jesus—and at the end of the day, write His name at the top of it.”

“When we do that, brother, no jealousy,” “When we do that, sister, no jealousy,”—there's no place for it, right?—it has no home. And so I've cut out all cheating in my life, so there's no more of that. But the practice of trying to think through: “How my life could look more like that of Jesus”—it's a lifelong homework assignment for me.

Ann: —for all of us;—

Amberly: Yeah.

Ann: —for all of us.

Dave: When your focus is there, common ground's a possibility.

Amberly: Totally.

Dave: If it isn't, you’re going to be disunified/division; but if your focus is vertical, and you're thinking, “I'm going to live in gratitude today,” that's where unity—you're the pro—I mean, that's where it starts.

I mean, we only talked about Joseph and his brothers. We’ve got Moses, and Miriam, and Aaron; we’ve got Mary, Martha, and Lazarus; Rachel and Leah. And so if you're a listener, it's like, “Get it!”

Ann: You’re going to want to get it.

Amberly: Yeah, it's such a delightful exploration, not because I had anything to do with it, but because God really was working in my heart in all of these areas. And so I get to—going back to the copying—I guess I get to show you my paper: the work that He did, and so it's exciting. Thank you, guys.

Dave: You're going to laugh; you're going to cry. I mean, I'm sitting over here, like, “Tell the tug of war story.” Well, guess what? You got to get the video—

Ann: That's right; get the video.

Dave: —FamilyLifeToday.com. Get it, seriously—and watch it with somebody—it'll be life-changing.

Amberly: Thank you, brother; thanks, Ann.

Ann: Of course.

Shelby: I’m Shelby Abbott; and you've been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson, with Amberly Neese, on FamilyLife Today. Yeah, there's a lot going on in our culture right now. There's kind of an exhaustion that many of us feel with the tension and the division, both in our family gatherings and, even, social media and what's happening around our own kitchen table.

Well, Psalm 1:33 tells us: “It's good for believers to live in unity with one another.” So how do we do that? Well, I'm so excited to invite you to join us for a five-week video series that we put together, here at Family Life, along with—our friend, author, and comedian— Amberly Neese. It's called “Moving Toward Each Other in the Middle of a Divisive World.” Amberly is going to give us a guide on how to build peace in an environment of chaos. You can sign up for this video series; it's free! You just go to FamilyLife.com/FindingCommonGround, or you could look for a link in the show notes. Again, the address is FamilyLife.com/FindingCommonGround.

Do you follow us on social media? Well, head over to Instagram and find us at FamilyLife Insta; or you can find us on Facebook at FamilyLife. Just search for us there, and you'll get more regular encouragement from the ministry of FamilyLife.

Now, coming up tomorrow, Teresa Whiting is going to be here with Dave and Ann Wilson to talk about her journey from shame to redemption. That's tomorrow; we hope you'll join us. On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Shelby Abbott. We'll see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.

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