Help! Someone I Love is Bitter: Stephen Viars

Dave: Okay, one of my big theme ideas in 30 years of preaching had something to do with bitterness.

Ann: Oh, yes; memorable.

Dave: Let’s see if you even know. Does the wife of the pastor listen to the pastor’s sermons?

Stephen: Oh, no!

Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com.

Ann: This is FamilyLife Today!

Dave: One of my big theme ideas in 30 years of preaching—

Ann: —does it begin with the word “pain”?

Dave: You can start with pain.

Ann: “Pain will make you”—

Dave: —“can make you”—

Ann: —“better or bitter.”

Dave: Yes.

Ann: Am I right?!

Dave: Yes, something like that. It’s usually “trials” or “adversity”—

Ann: —“trials”; that’s it!

Dave: —depends what the theme is that week. You know, valleys, but really, pain, trials—you have a choice. It’s going to be part of your life one way or another.

Ann: Pain and trials will be a part of all of our lives.

Dave: You can allow God to use it, and you become better, or you become bitter. Whenever I preach on that, and I’ve done it many times over the years, I’ll ask the audience: “Do you know more bitter people, or do you know more better people?” Guess what the answer always is!?

Ann: “Bitter.”

Dave: “More bitter.”

Stephen: That’s interesting.

Dave: People don’t handle bitterness well. It could be the exact same trial in one person, and you’re like, “How are they better? How are they…?” And this [other] person went through the same thing, and you don’t even want to be near them. They’re mad at their spouse; they’re mad at their life; they’re mad at God.

Bitterness is a part of all of our lives. We’ve got Steve Viars back with us today. He wrote a book called Overcoming Bitterness. Every person wants to overcome bitterness and actually get from hurt to a life filled with joy.

Ann: Steve—

Dave: —welcome back. Glad to have you here.

Stephen: It’s really been a privilege talking with you folks.

Dave: I mean, your insights on this topic; they’re life-changing. It isn’t like, “Oh, this is something some people deal with.” We all do.

I told you before, when I was reading your book, I’m like, “Oh, my goodness; I thought I was done—[Laughter]—with the bitterness in my life.” And it rose up, like, “Oh, there are triggers that still come to overcome.” We’ve got to keep talking about: “How we do we get through it?”

One of the things I love about your book—and I love about you as a pastor in Indiana—Faith Church, right?

Stephen: Yes, in Lafayette.

Dave: Lafayette, Indiana. You’re married with kids and grandkids, so you know life and carrying all that as well. But you’re a biblical scholar.

Ann: Yes.

Dave: I love the way you use the Word of God to say: “The answers are here. Let’s walk through.” I think it would be fun today to walk through a story in Scripture that gives us a model of: “How do we overcome bitterness?”

Stephen: I think the Word of God is so rich and so filled with hope. Don’t you love the fact that one of the names that God chooses for Himself in the Word of God is the God of Hope?

Ann: Yes.

Stephen: Any of us who are struggling with bitterness—a little or a lot today—we don’t have to be hopeless people, and that’s why, because we have a powerful Savior. We have a God of hope.

I really appreciated when you were talking, Dave, about your preaching ministry and how you would say that trials can either make you better or they can make you bitter. That’s rich theology right there, because the world in which we live, many times, gives the suggestion: “Well, you are a product of your circumstances, and you have very little choice in the matter.” So, you’re a passive victim of what other people have done to you; and because you have faced certain hardships in your life, you have to be a bitter individual.

The more we understand the biblical view of man—we were made in the image of God. We’re not animals, so life is not determinative. We’re not passive victims; we’re active worshipers. The way we choose to respond to the difficulties of our life reveals the identity of our functional God: “Are we really willing to trust Jesus Christ? Are we trusting in His resources, in His sovereignty, even when it’s hard?” So, it is true, from cover to cover in the Word of God, that it is possible to handle difficulties in a way that results in you becoming something other than bitter. What hope is there in all of that?

One of the stories is the story of Naomi in the book of Ruth. God’s a story-teller!

Dave and Ann: Yes.

Stephen: And we all love a story. A significant percentage of our Bible is filled with narratives, with stories,--

Dave: —right—

Stephen: —which tells us our God loves us. He wants us to taste what they tasted; He wants us to feel what they felt—

Dave: —to smell it.

Stephen: Absolutely, to smell it. He wants us to believe it.

Naomi’s story starts in a very hard place, because she and her husband and their two sons are facing a famine. They lived in Bethlehem, which in Hebrew means “House of Bread.” So, what an incredible metaphor there, that there was a famine. Their family decides to go to Moab. There’s no commentary in the book of Ruth about whether that was a good decision on the part of the husband or a bad decision; they just went to the country of Moab. And then, the sons marry Moabitess women. There, again, is no commentary about whether that was a good thing or a bad thing; that’s just what happened.

Then the Scripture says—and it’s coming in rapid-fire succession, because all of this happens in Chapter 1—that Naomi’s husband and both of her sons died. I realize I might be talking to one of your listeners today, and they know the pain of death.

Dave: Right.

Stephen: So, I’m not just telling a story without thinking. I’m undoubtedly bringing up all sorts of hurt and memories for so many who have experienced death in all sorts of ways.

Now, you have Naomi—

Ann: —which I’m just going to say, as a woman, to lose both of your children and your husband, you are left desolate. This would be the lowest of lows that a person could be.

Stephen: Well, especially in that culture.

Ann: Exactly.

Stephen: You talk about being vulnerable—of danger—that was it, in that culture, for sure.

What’s interesting is, Naomi—she was the Jewish woman; so, she was the one, of those who were left, that should have been leading her daughter’s-in-law to some degree of faith. If anybody was going to be the godly person, you would have thought it was going to be Naomi, which was the point. Because regrettably, what Naomi did [was], she said to her daughters-in-law, “Go back to your people”—and then, eventually, in Chapter 1 [of Ruth] is one of the most important phrases in the chapter—“and to your gods.”

She was saying, as a Jewish woman, “God has let me down.” In fact, she eventually says that: “I left Bethlehem fullm and God’s brought me back empty. Jehovah, the God of Israel, has let me down.”

One of the daughters-in-law went back to her people and to her gods; but what is absolutely stunning, and filled with hope, is the remaining daughter-in-law, Ruth, says, “No.” She makes a statement next that sometimes is used in weddings—and I have to point out to the young couple: “Do you realize the spouse died here? I’m not sure this is really appropriate.” [Laughter] It is a beautiful statement, where Ruth said, “No, I’m going to stay by your side. Your people are going to be my people, and your God is going to be my God.” [Ruth 1:16]

So, she saw something in her father-in-law; she saw something in her husband; or maybe even her brother-in-law that appealed—or maybe even in Naomi; we don’t know. But something gripped young Ruth, where she said, “The God of heaven is the only God worthy of my trust. Even if that means I’m going to leave my people and my place, that’s my God.” That goes back to what we were saying: we’re not passive victims; we’re active worshippers. That was an act of incredible worship on the part of this young Moabitess woman.

Dave: How do you do that? Because earlier, you were talking about the phrase: “God has let me down.” I think we’ve all felt that at some point; it’s a universal. Again, I can’t say 100 percent, but most of us, at some point, have felt that. Often, we’ve never said it; we’re afraid to say it.

Stephen: You’re right.

Dave: But it’s like, “God let me down. I really thought…” And yet, [says], “That God, I’m going to worship.”

Stephen: Yes, Ruth didn’t have access to the level of truth that you and I do.

Dave: Right.

Ann: Yes.

Stephen: We have the cross. We have the shed blood of Jesus Christ. Listen, a God who would send His only Son, doesn’t let me down.

You asked, “How?” I think the more I fill my life with the gospel—the more I fill my life with the shed blood of Christ and His amazing grace, the less likely I’m going to be to let a particular trial on a particular day, even if it might be big, cause me to change my view of who this God is. If the only thing He ever did for me was the cross, that’s far more than I deserve. The older I get, and the more I understand my inherent sinfulness, Jesus is the One that I want to worship, for sure. I want to be more like Ruth.

Dave: Right.

Stephen: I want to have that kind of faith.

Naomi says, “Listen, let’s go back to Bethlehem.” So now, it’s Naomi, the Jewish mother-in-law, and her Moabitess daughter-in-law. They go back to Bethlehem. We’re still in Chapter 1. [Laughter] What’s fascinating is what happens next because, as they walk into town, some of the women, who would have known Naomi before, they said, “Hey, aren’t you Naomi?”

You have to ask yourself, “Why wouldn’t they have recognized her?” Here’s what I believe—and this is just conjecture only—I believe bitterness changes the way you look.

Ann: I agree.

Stephen: I think you can look at certain people over time: “That’s a bitter person.”

There’s no question, because of what happens next. Naomi says, “Don’t call me Naomi. Call me Mara.” [Ruth 1:20] In other words, “The single word that defines my life the most is the word bitterness.”

Ann: It’s become her identity.

Stephen: Absolutely, it’s become her identity. Then she says, “God took me out of this country full, and He brought me back empty.”

We were talking about Esau in a previous program, about how bitterness will make a liar out of you. Just think about what she said: “God took me out full?” It was a famine! Then think about the other half: “He brought me back empty.” Who’s right by her side?!

Ann: Ruth’s like, “Hey, what about me?”

Stephen: That’s exactly right!

Ann: Yes.

Stephen: I wish—that’s one of those—when I get to heaven, I want to have that conversation, and I want to know what Ruth was thinking at that moment.

Ann: But she was so engulfed in her bitterness that she saw nothing but her pain.

Stephen: The last thing I’m going to do is be Naomi’s judge.

Ann: Right.

Stephen: That’s not where I want to be at all. But thankfully, the book does not end in Chapter 1, does it? Because then, in Chapter 2, Naomi suggests that Ruth go out and glean. And Ruth—that’s fascinating that Ruth has enough confidence in the Old Testament Scriptures that she actually does that.

And then, we know what happens, right? All of a sudden, Boaz comes, and what a beautiful picture of grace; what a beautiful picture of provision. We don’t know all the issues about weights and measurements in the Bible, but when you look at how much barley Boaz provided for Ruth—and what I love about Ruth; remember that first day, Ruth has her lunch. You can see it happening, because she’s been living through a famine, right? All of a sudden, she has food, but then she wraps up the leftovers for Naomi. She didn’t become bitter. The Moabitess becomes a woman of faith. She even wraps up the food for her mother-in-law, and she goes back and she tells Naomi what happened.

And this is what I love about the story: I think Naomi’s bitter heart started melting right then. So, praise God, there’s hope in this! It’s not like I say, “I’m a bitter person, and I’m going to die that way.” That is not true! A bitter person’s heart can change. All of the sudden, Naomi is starting to see the provision of God: “God’s keeping His promises. God is being good to us. God is providing for us.”

Then, of course, she comes up with this outlandish plan: “Why don’t you go down to the threshing floor?” Naomi! How did we get from being a bitter woman, who has no trust in God, to the threshing floor and just believing in the process that God has placed in His Word to care for widows?

Ann: And I’ve got to come back to this and say, too, “Good for Ruth!”

Stephen: Yes.

Ann: Because here’s Naomi, this bitter woman. It would have been so easy to walk away from her. I think it took time for Naomi’s heart to begin to soften, but Ruth continued to love her, to serve her, and to take her advice.

Stephen: Yes, and I think there’s a teaching point there, because some of our listeners may say: “Listen, I have to live with a bitter person every day.”

Ann: Yes.

Stephen: “So, I’m constantly hearing the negativity. I’m constantly hearing the doubt. I’m constantly hearing the disobedience to the Word of God.” You can still be a Ruth; you can still be a sweet person. You can still exercise faith, even when you’re surrounded by people who are bitter.

Ann: Or your spouse!

Stephen: Oh, absolutely; absolutely. What ends up happening? The threshing floor experiment turned out really good, because God is a faithful God.

I love the way the book ends, because God gives Boaz and Ruth a baby. What’s fascinating is: okay, who’s lap was that baby on when that book was done? It’s not Ruth’s—it’s mom-in-law, right?

Ann: Yes.

Stephen: Naomi is bouncing—in fact, the women say, “God gave a baby to Naomi.” They’re saying that right there. It’s like: “What? What? What?” Then you read the punchline—just like the Bible so often does, the punchline—when it gives the genealogy at the end and explains that that little baby was in the line of Christ.

Somebody might say: “Well, maybe God didn’t know what He was doing during the famine,”  or “Even maybe God didn’t know what He was doing during….” “God doesn’t know,” “God doesn’t know,” “God doesn’t know.” Read the final pages of the book of Ruth. God knows exactly what He was doing, and He designed that so that that baby would be in the line of David and would be in the line of Christ.

You see Naomi. She’s not a bitter woman anymore. We can all picture this happy grandma, bouncing this little baby on her lap, rejoicing in the provision of her God. What that means is a bitter person can become a joyful person as we grow in our faith in God and His provision.

Ann: That is such a sweet story. It makes me cry thinking of the transformation that happened in the most unlikely way.

Stephen: Yes, yes.

Ann: And through the greatest loss that anyone could experience. And yet, God still comes through when we trust Him.

Stephen: Amen.

Dave: I think, maybe, the lie sometimes we believe is [that] Naomi could get out of her bitterness because the circumstances became better, and that’s what let her [change]. But it’s not always the case. The circumstances can never change, or may not change, or may not become hopeful; you can dig out of bitterness. You can overcome and get to a life of joy.

Whenever I preach that simple thought, “trials make you better or bitter,” I always said, “The choice is yours.” 

Stephen: That’s right.

Dave: We have a choice. Some people choose bitter; some choose better. The circumstances did not change, but there’s a joy that fills their heart because of a choice they make, right?

Stephen: Yes; and the great thing is that, if we’re Christians, we’re in Christ. So, it’s not a choice I have to make by my own strength, my own wisdom, my own power. In Christ, I can choose to do, and think, and believe, and want what He desires in the moment. There’s a power inside of me, because of who I am in Christ, that helps me choose well.

Dave: Right, and I do think—tell me if I’m right or wrong—when you’re Naomi, when you’re living in bitterness, the voices you’re listening to are critical. You need Ruths in your life. You need to choose them and push away the other bitter people, who are saying, “Yes, you should be in the…” You’ve got to stop listening to those voices, because they’re going to influence where you end up.

Stephen: Well, this is a hard thing; but one of the bitter voices you often need to stop listening to is your own.

Ann: Yes.

Dave: There we go.

Stephen: Many times, my hardest counselee is the guy I see in the mirror in the morning, so I need to stop listening to me, if I’m saying words to myself that are not informed by the Word of God. Many times, they’re lies; they’re twisted. That’s why it’s so important to surround myself with godly people; that’s why it’s so important to be in the Lord’s house on the Lord’s Day; that’s why it’s so important to check whatever it is I’m thinking with the truth of the Word of God; to check whatever I’m wanting with the principles of Scripture.

Sometimes, I need to tell myself to be quiet. Since I’m in a radio format, I’ll just use the phrase, “Be quiet.” [Laughter] But I can think of other things I really need to tell myself, from time to time, or else I’m just going to lead my own self down the path of bitterness.

Dave: Yes, it’s the self-talk, the negative that’s in there.

Ann: I think, too, I’ve just talked to two women this week, where their husband was caught in an affair; and they’re just struggling with bitterness. I’m thinking of another woman that I just talked to whose husband continues to battle, and he’s trying to win, over pornography. I was talking to her and just feeling her heart become so bitter, like, “How many times do I need to forgive this man?”

I think, every single day, we’re all faced with those decisions and the voices that we hear in our head. I think it’s really important to take those thoughts captive.

Stephen: Absolutely, absolutely. You know, even when you give those little vignettes, I mean, our hearts break that, this side of heaven, men and women are facing. We’re not minimizing—

Ann: —the pain.

Stephen: —the pain in any way, shape, or form; but we’re saying: “It doesn’t have to determine the outcome. Christ is more powerful than that.”

Dave: In your own life, you’ve mentioned a couple times the journey to overcome bitterness. I know this isn’t an autobiography book [Laughter]; but you’ve, obviously, journeyed through that. Do you still, today, find it creeping in?

Stephen: Absolutely; I think there’s the opportunity for it every day. All of us travel, so that means it won’t be long before I’ll be on another airplane and in another airport. Anybody who travels understands it doesn’t always go—I mean, who knows what the rest of the day is going to hold when it comes to airline travel. We’ve also been in those situations and watched bitter people make situations really bad; but the other side of it is, we’ve been on airplanes, or in that situation, where you can see somebody have the right kind of response—

Ann: —the beautiful grace-givers.

Stephen: Absolutely.

Ann: Yes.

Stephen: Absolutely! So, do I face it? Absolutely, I do; as an imperfect man in an imperfect world, yes! But praise God! We’ve got a way to overcome it so that we’re not bitter people.

Dave: Can I ask you to do this? I’m thinking of a listener that’s just stuck. They’ve been listening through all these programs with you, and they’re still like, “I just don’t know how to get out of the muck/the mud of this bitterness I’m in.” Could you pray for them?

Stephen: Absolutely, I’d be happy to.

Dave: I’d love to hear you just pray that they could find a way to overcome bitterness.

Stephen:

Father in heaven, I thank You for every person who is listening to this prayer and though, this side of heaven, I will not know most of them, You know each person who is listening right now. You know every detail about their life. You even know the number of hairs on their head. Father, we thank You for Your sovereignty, and we thank you for being a good Father.

Lord, I would pray for the person who is stuck in bitterness right now. Some, who don’t yet know Christ as Savior and Lord. I pray that they would admit their need, even in this hard time, and would choose to trust Him.

Lord, for those who would say that they’re Christians, but that they’re just stuck, Father. Some need to lament. I pray that they would learn the discipline of coming to You directly and authentically and speaking to You.

Others have a situation in their life where they really need to go and confront another person, but they’ve not done it. Lord, I pray that You would allow them to bring others around their life that would give them the direction and the courage to take that step. Lord, I pray, though it’s totally in Your hands, I pray that, in many cases, there would be genuine repentance and true forgiveness as a result.

Lord, though it’s hard, I pray that You would help all of us to think about the times that we are bitter, but it really has to do with some sin that we committed, and we’ve compounded it because we’ve lied about it. Lord, that’s so hard to think about, but where sin abounds, grace does much more abound. We thank You that You give us forgiveness, even when we have sinned.

And Lord, we thank You, ultimately, that Jesus is a sweet, sweet Savior. I pray that the more we come to love Him and know Him, the less room there is in our hearts for even a hint of a root of bitterness.

We pray these things, worshipping You for making it possible, in Christ’s name. Amen.

Ann: Amen.

Shelby: There is, as we’ve heard today, and the last two days with Stephen Viars, tremendous power in the gospel. Where we would once say, “There is no possibility for hope within relationships,” Jesus can work miracles. I have been so encouraged by these conversations, and I hope and pray that you have, too.

I’m Shelby Abbott, and you’ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Stephen Viars on FamilyLife Today. Stephen has written a book called Overcoming Bitterness: Moving from Life’s Greatest Hurts to a Life Filled with Joy. This book gives honest insights and hopeful strategies to navigate through life’s challenges and prevent bitterness from taking root in your heart. You can get a copy right now by going online to FamilyLifeToday.com, and you can find it in our show notes. Or just give us a call at 800-358-6329 to request your copy; again, that number is 800-“F” as in family, “L” as in life, and then the word, “TODAY.”

You know, at FamilyLife^®, we have a podcast network. There’s, of course, FamilyLife Today; there’s my podcast, which is Real Life Loading; and there is Season Four of Married with Benefits, hosted by Brian Goins. He’s joined, again, by Harvard-trained researcher and author, Shaunti Feldhahn. This season, they’re talking about the surprising secrets of highly happy marriages; the little things that make a big difference. You can subscribe right no, wherever you get your podcasts, or you can head over to our YouTube channel to find Married with Benefits; just search for FamilyLife’s Married with Benefits.

Now, tomorrow, what does it look like to explore transparent conversations as you navigate disappointment in your faith? Barbara Rainey is going to be here with Dave and Ann Wilson, emphasizing honest communication and biblical wisdom. That’s coming up tomorrow. We hope you’ll join us.

On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I’m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.

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