Loneliness in the Bible: Steve & Jennifer DeWitt

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Loneliness in the Bible

Guests:Steve and Jennifer DeWitt

From the series:Loneliness: Don’t Hate It or Waste It (Day 3 of 3)

Air date:November 20, 2024

Shelby: Hey, Shelby Abbott here. Many of us are just tired of the tension and the division that exists in our natural circles of influence: amongst our friends; and our extended family members; and maybe, even around our own kitchen table. Well, how do we do that? How are we supposed to love people and create unity when we live in a culture that’s easily-angered and often-offended? It could feel like it’s just impossible to dwell in unity with one another.

Well, that’s why I’m excited to invite you to join us, here at FamilyLife, for a five-week video series from our friend—author, and comedian—Amberly Neese. It’s called “Moving Toward Each Other in the Middle of a Divisive World.” And man, that is accurate; isn’t it? We are living in a divisive world, and we need to move toward one another. In this five-week series, Amberly guides us on how to build peace in our own backyards when differing thoughts, and opinions, and beliefs threaten to create division. You could sign up, right now, by clicking on the link in the show notes; or you can go to FamilyLife.com/FindingCommonGround; that’s FamilyLife.com/FindingCommonGround. Or you could click on the link in the show notes.

Alright, let’s hop into today’s program.

Steve:We get rid of loneliness by giving it away: “Whose loneliness can I help meet?” And that inversion of self—the dying to self, the killing of the pride—is the key: “Give your loneliness away.”

Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com.

Ann: This is FamilyLife Today.

Dave:I would say one of the loneliest people I ever knew was my mom. What do you think?

Ann: Yes.

Dave:You didn’t know I was going there.

Ann: No, for sure!

Dave:Mom and Dad divorced when I was seven—lost my little brother when he was five, within the next three months of that—

Ann: Yeah, after the divorce.

Dave:I mean, she was a wonderful, incredible lady; but there was an ache that we all felt in her life. You knew that.

Ann: Yeah; I think that—and we’ve had friends; I lost my sister—so I watched my sister’s husband raise four boys. I’m thinking—death of a spouse; I’m thinking widows; of death of a child—there’s just an ache. There’s a piece of loneliness that I don’t think a lot of us know how to deal with that and what to do with it.

Dave:Yeah; we’ve been talking the last couple of days with Steve DeWitt. Jennifer’s with him, back in the studio, about loneliness. You wrote a book about it; but I mean, you’ve thought about this a lot. So even when you hear us talk about my mom, and people that experienced loneliness, all I have in my head right now, Steve, is what you’ve said the last two days. It’s like, “Well, God can redeem that. God can actually meet us in that; it isn’t the worst thing in the world. It is dark and it is hard.” But am I right? You’ve got me thinking about loneliness totally different.

Ann: Me, too.

Dave:You really do; and you’re smiling, like, “That’s what I was hoping”; right?

Steve:That’s the mission. Yeah, absolutely; “Let’s turn this inside out and see some good purposes in it.”

Ann: Well, yesterday was fun; Jennifer, you came into the studio with Steve. You guys have two girls. We heard all about your proposal because, Steve, you were a single pastor of a mega church; and then, you got married to Jennifer at 44 years old.

Dave:Then, the ring came down from heaven; and people are like, “What are you talking about?”

Steve: I wish it came down from heaven; I had to pay for it.

Dave: It, literally, came down.

Ann: So go back and listen to the last two days; because this is a topic that we all face and feel, and we don’t always know what to do with it. But you’ve done a really good job of helping us see it in a different light.

Dave:Yeah; so talk to—we mentioned my mom; and there are many people like that, they’ve lost the spouse—for my mom, lost a spouse and a son; and Ann’s lost her sister—I mean, we’ve been there. I think a lot of our listeners, at some point, have either personally experienced it or know someone. It feels like the worst feeling in your life: “It’s never going to go away,” and “I can’t ever really get over it.” I’ve met people who have lost a spouse or a child, and they never—it’s in your book—“Don’t hate it or waste it; redeem it.” They don’t ever get to redemption, so how would you help them?

Steve:Well, I would, first of all, begin from a point of deep compassion. And I would like to say that about anybody who’s experiencing loneliness for whatever reason, I think we need to have great sympathy for the visceral, ongoing-experience of loneliness. Dave, I think you’re right, the loneliness tries to convince us that: “It will always be this way, that this will never change. There’s nothing we can do, and this is our plight.”

And that is not true. It’s not true biblically; it’s not true eschatologically, in terms of God’s plan for us in the future. But there are many things that we can do to mitigate loneliness and to redeem it. I’ve talked already, at length, about it. But I would say—for those who are in a marriage, where loneliness is chronically with them, or maybe they’ve lost a spouse or a loved one—to, again, understand why we feel this way: “We feel this way because God designed us, as image bearers, to harmonize with Him vertically and with others horizontally.

In a fallen world, even the best moments are always going to have a sense of longing for something a little bit more and a little more perfect. If we have suffered in some way—like you described your mom—and our heart certainly goes out to her and her story to not be a victim of that loneliness. This takes great faith and courage, especially in a scenario like you’ve mentioned, to believe that God can redeem that emotion and that experience.

I would say that it never fully goes away. I wouldn’t want anybody to read this book, thinking, “Oh, there’s a way to never be lonely again.” No; but there is a way for it not to dominate us, for us not to be victims of it, for us not to obsess over it, for it to move into the background of our emotional experience. I think that is a good goal. And there’s steps, through the gospel, to get there.

Ann: You know who I was just thinking of?—Naomi, in the Bible—she loses her husband; she loses her sons; and she says, “I’m bitter; I’m Mara”; is that how you say it?—pastors?

Steve:Yes.

Ann: And so even with that, that loneliness must have just been seeping into her. I was going to ask you, as you were talking, Steve: “Does loneliness/can it lead into depression?”

Steve:Oh, absolutely; yeah. And it’s funny you bring up [the book of] Ruth. I think it’s a great example; Ruth 1, [Naomi] renames herself “Bitter.” She has no hope that there’s ever a Chapter 4 coming. And yet, we have this great redemptive story, where not only is it redeemed, it leads to the redemption of all humanity. “Does Naomi have any possible thought, in Chapter 1, that God could bring good from it?”—probably not. And most of us live lives in Chapter 1.

Ann: Yes.

Steve:Life is lived in Chapter 1; it takes faith to believe Chapter 4 is coming—and yet, the promises of God, the Word of God, the action of God through Jesus—all of these are to convince us, and to help us, in Chapter 1, that Chapter 4 is coming. Only God can bring the Chapter 4s. But as a Christian, we believe that He will; and there’s great hope in that.

Dave:Yeah; and when you’re in Chapter 1—I watched my mom do this—you cope. I watched my mom numb her loneliness with alcohol; that was her cope. And I think a lot of us, if we don’t understand what to do with our loneliness, we live in bitterness; and we just numb out. I don’t know what all the ways are; but I watched alcohol be my mom and dad’s escape: “When I do this, I feel happy. And as soon as I’m sober, I’m back to bitter.” I literally grew up in a home, where every single night, that’s what my mom did. I didn’t even realize she was doing it until later, but it was her way to cope with loneliness. I think a lot of people, even in the church—who know some of the Scripture and what you just said: “Chapter 4 is a reality because of Christ,”—they numb out.

Ann: Jennifer, how do you think women—I’m thinking of ways I, as a woman, can do that—you’re around women, as a pastor’s wife: “How do you think we cope?” or “What can we do instead of embracing, as Steve says, our loneliness?”

Jennifer: I would say that it doesn’t have to necessarily be gender-specific. But speaking, as a female, and what I’ve observed and maybe experienced some of these things. I think that anything that is a delight—that actually, Steve’s written a book/his other book is about enjoying God through beauty [Enjoying God in Everything].

Ann: Look at your girl promoting your book on air!

Steve:Cross promotion; I like it.

Jennifer: But he writes that God created beauty as something to be enjoyed as a foretaste of enjoying Him forever. I think it’s anything that you enjoy that you take to the extreme [as a coping mechanism]. So you look for that thing or that experience to fulfill you. And again, it’s misplaced because that’s not how God designed it. But you can enjoy food, because it helps your body; but you can enjoy it too much. You can enjoy shopping, because you need to get things for your family; and et cetera. I think of sports; it can be relational, like putting expectations on another person to fulfill that need.

Ann: Golf.

Jennifer: Golf.

Dave: I don’t know why she brought that up.

Jennifer: It can even be status though—I mean, you think of social media—as you think of things that you can just kind of go down. Anything you think of that you can kind of be so distracted that you don’t think about something. It can be anything taken to the extreme.

Ann: Yes.

Dave:And a big one for men, and women, too, is porn. You can talk about it is a superficial answer to loneliness—it’s just so—and it’s rampant in the church as well as outside the church. It’s a numbing to that ache that we’ve been talking about for three days.

You have a whole chapter on contentment. Can you find contentment when you’re wrestling through this?—”I’m alone,” or “I’m feeling alone.”

Steve:Well, I saw a Facebook post that was kind of funny; it said, “I can do all things through a verse taken out of context,”—referring to Philippians 4:13 and the oft-quoted—“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

Dave:Do you ow many Detroit lions players had that pasted—

Steve:Oh, yeah?

Dave:—before games? And I always want to say, “Guys, it’s not what it’s about.”

Steve: Yes, “Last year, it didn’t work.”

Dave:Yes; right.

Steve:But it does apply in the category of contentment; that is, contextually, what Paul is saying. In Philippians 4, he basically says that contentment is non-circumstantial; it’s non-circumstantial. We want to seek contentment in circumstances or in changing circumstances to align with the desires that we have within us. But in Philippians 4, Paul says, “The key is not changing my circumstances to meet my desires, but rather changing my desires to meet circumstances that I believe God has sovereignly and providentially placed me within.”

And so now, we’re kind of back on that faith theme of: “Do I believe that God is good?” “Do I believe that God is sovereign over my life?” “Can I trust Him for things that I wish were different; and maybe, could be, someday, that unknown preferred future?” All of these are things that—again, gospelizing our loneliness is a key—as I view my loneliness, through the cross and through Jesus, who—the ultimate moment of loneliness was—when He cried out, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” The humanity of Jesus feeling separation, bearing our sin before His heavenly Father; and yet, that greatest moment of loneliness also is the key to redeeming loneliness as He dies for the guilt, and the sin, and the shame that separates us from other people and, now, brings us, through the gospel, into relationship with God the Father, and the possibility with other people. I mean, it all comes back to Jesus, and it comes back to that moment.

I would say for the person, who is listening, who is dealing with chronic loneliness: “When you pray to Jesus, He understands loneliness; He experienced the greatest loneliness.” To see loneliness in the grander scheme of redemption and to understand that it’s part of the fall; it’s not a sin. It’s also something that is being redeemed. And someday, we will never feel this way again. All of this is biblical gospel macro story of God and redemption. Finding loneliness in that story, I think, helps.

Ann: It really gives you that hope of heaven. I’ve told you earlier: I know that there’ll be no more tears or pain in heaven, or sickness; but I haven’t thought of the loneliness piece. Because, as you’ve been saying for the last couple days, it’s always with us. There’s a piece of us, whether it’s in the foreground or the background, there’s an angst that we all feel. But to think that we won’t even have that in heaven is remarkable; it gives us such hope that we won’t always experience it. It will be gone.

Dave:So here’s a question. I don’t even know what you’re going to say; I don’t remember reading a lot in the book about gender—women, men with loneliness—again, I’m not saying it’s totally different. But as a guy, sometimes, I can think women aren’t lonely like men are; because they’re always talking to each other. When you speak at places, and if it’s a crowd of women, they sit right beside each other; and they’re talking the whole time; and the speaker walks up.

Men—you walk in the room—they’re sitting three or four chairs apart. If you get anywhere near them, they look at you, like: “What are you doing, dude?” And then, that’s definitely a reality; there’s a difference there. So as men, I used to say at my church that, “Men have LATS.” That was my acrostic to say, “Every guy I know has LATS”:

L: Lonely, that was the L

And every guy’s like, “Oh, he’s right.”

A: Angry

T: Tired

S: Spiritually-depleted.

Again, we have a lot more than that; but when you say that to men, they go/they shake their head like, “Ah.” And then, women are like, “What?” So I think there’s a sense that guys feel like women don’t feel loneliness like we do, but do they?

Steve:In fact, there’s been studies that say—and I don’t have the percentage off the top of my head—but it’s perhaps a majority of men who cannot name one significant friend in their life. How many people listening to this broadcast—men, if we really pressed you—“Who would you say is a really close friend in your life?” And in this way I think women naturally are more relationally-aligned and oriented and do better at this.

But there are a lot of lonely men, a lot of lonely men. And part of the gospelizing our loneliness, as men, is that we have to understand that our identity is in Jesus Christ. I think a lot of it is fear, for men, to be vulnerable with the struggles of our life—who we really are—we hide; we posture; we pretend. The gospel calls us to be real. And the degree to which we are authentic to who we are is the degree to which we will mitigate loneliness in our life.

I would urge men: “We need to be way riskier and way more courageous in relationship building.” Quick story: I met a guy at church one Sunday. I just kind of liked him, and I said, “Hey, let’s go get coffee.” We’re out having coffee, and I just kind of liked him. And we get to the end of the time and I go, “You know what? I’ve enjoyed this. I would like to intentionally build a friendship with you.” And that was a big gulp for me; that was a moment, where I was like, “This out of my comfort zone.” It’s sort of like women would be like, “Let’s be best friends.” Guys—we don’t do that—but I did it with this guy. He says to me/he goes, “I’m actually feeling the same way.” And that relationship has become one of the most significant friendships in my whole life. But I had to be awkward, and I had to be vulnerable from the get-go.

Ann: Okay, I’m just asking you guys: “What is vulnerable about that?” And it’s risky; why is that? I mean, I just told—I just met Jennifer an hour ago—“We’re going to be friends!” “We’re going to be best friends! I want to hang out with you.”

Jennifer: And I love it.

Steve: Dave hasn’t said that one time to me yet.

Ann: I know; why is that?

Dave:“Steve, I was wondering: I really enjoy you, and I was wondering if we could…”— my first thought is: “It feels needy: ‘You’re a needy guy.’” I mean, again, I’m not saying it’s true or not. You write in your book about pride—and to really dive into a friendship or a relationship—you have to put away pride: “I need people,” “I need you,” “I’m interested in a relationship with you because”—like you said—”I like you.”

I’ve had that with guys, too; it’s like, “I think I could hang out with this guy. This would be great.” And then, there’s a little bit of fear in me: “I don’t want to come across as some weirdo needy guy.” A woman would be like, “I like you. Can we hang out?” They’d be like, “Yeah, let’s do it!” A guy—there’s a wall, sometimes, comes up—like, “Okay, I’ve got to be vulnerable here.” And vulnerability is awesome, but it’s scary.

Ann: I’ve talked to so many women, who are saying, “My husband has no friends, and I tell my husband, ‘You should get a friend; you should…’” So this is a real thing. It probably doesn’t help for the wives to say, “You need a friend”; but what do men do with that? You’re saying, “Put down the pride—

Dave:No, ask the expert,—

Ann: Yeah, I am.

Dave: —Steve, over there.

Ann: I’m asking you, Steve; I’m turning towards you: “If that’s common—and men are relating—like, ‘Yeah, I don’t have friends…’”

Steve:Well, this is where I encourage redeeming the ache of loneliness by doing something about it. Loneliness puts a longing in our hearts. We will have a men’s breakfast at church—hundreds of men show up—and I know many of them are kind of hoping that maybe they’ll connect with somebody, because they feel relationally-distant; they’re hoping for a friend.

I would encourage men to be courageous: “Take the energy, that loneliness provides, and do something about it.” Again, a reminder: “We get rid of loneliness by giving it away.” So rather than going to a men’s thing, and saying, “Hey, maybe you can help me,”—go to it, and say, “Whose loneliness can I help meet?”—that inversion of self; the dying to self; the killing of the pride is the key. As we be a friend to some other guy, that loneliness recedes. And so we give it away: “Give your loneliness away.”

Ann: Well, I think that’s true for women though, too, because we can go into a setting, thinking, “No one’s reached out to me; no one has been friendly to me. I want a mentor, but no one has asked me.” You’re saying this is probably true for men and women: “Put yourself out there: go serve them; go love them; go.” Is that what you’re saying?—for both?

Steve:It’s not having somebody in your life; it’s sacrificing for somebody in your life.

Ann: Right there—we should write that down and put it on our fridge.

Steve: That is the essence.

Ann: Say it again.

Steve: It’s not having somebody in your life—it’s not adding someone to your life—it’s sacrificing for someone in your life. We call that friendship or a relationship, within which we are giving of ourself. But go do that; and then, try to find your loneliness.

Jennifer: I do think there’s two things in a woman’s life that can be obstacles as well. I think, specifically, we just finished the diaper season with kids. I think life circumstances can torpedo your relationships at times; and you can feel very lonely, especially during the early days of motherhood.

Ann: For sure.

Jennifer: You don’t have the energy to go out; or you really need to be there for your kids, and you can’t physically do it. And so I think that is one season of heightened loneliness, particularly for women.

And the second thing, I think that sabotages—maybe, as gentlemen don’t want to sound too needy—but women often can be competitive. I think those are some things that can be challenging for the female, as well, in trying to work out the loneliness season.

Ann: That’s a good point. And what I’ve seen with women is that there’s that season of babies, who are in the house: a woman’s thinking, “I don’t have time to go make new friends. I can’t even keep up with my husband, or my job, and all these things going on in my home.”

Then, I see another phase of empty nesters, where women are feeling a little lost because they had all those kids in their house—or a lot of their friends have been friends that they’ve made through their kids—and people are moving away as they’re getting older. I love the picture of: “If you’re an empty nester, if you would put yourself in that position of that younger woman, with babies in the house, to say, ‘How can I serve you?’ ‘What could I do to help you, as a young mom?’ the young mom would probably cry and think you’re an angel. It would fill your loneliness needs.” I like this whole idea of sacrificing for our loneliness.

Dave:Yeah; talk a little bit—I know you, in the book, talk about authenticity and being vulnerable—and how that sort of opens the door for friendship and helps us with our loneliness. Explain that a little bit.

Steve:Sure; so here, we’re talking about the horizontal. The vertical is through Jesus and faith in Christ. But this horizontal dimension, that is so important that God made us for socially, to be in flourishing in relationships with other human beings, requires something that’s counterintuitive to us. Pride wants to hide—ever since Genesis 3—we’ve worn clothes; we cover up; we hide in the bushes; and all of that adds and compounds loneliness.

We have to invert that by knowing who we are in Jesus Christ—my identity is in Him; I’m fully accepted in Christ—now, I can approach other people, not needing their approval, not needing that relationship to find my identity. So now, I’m freer to just be myself, and to be real, and to be authentic.

We were talking about Jennie Allen earlier, who’s been on your program. She writes about this so well; that: “Make it awkward and do that as quickly as possible. If they can’t handle it, they probably weren’t going to be your friend anyway.” It’s our weaknesses; it’s our struggles that people relate to. We want to project strength—we want to be our Facebook page—and none of us are; we are all this very contorted version of that.

But that’s the basis of real relationships most people can think of: they have friendships with people, and it was a crazy circumstance that started it: “We had to spend the night at their house at the last minute. We slept on the floor, but we’ve been friends ever since.” It’s those kinds of experiences—where we’re real; we’re not hiding; we’re authentic—that are the building blocks of the relationships that end up being the most meaningful to us. So be risky in that—be real; be yourself—see yourself through the eyes of Christ. I think that loneliness can find its way into the background of our emotions.

Dave:I think I’ve shared this here before—I don’t remember—but when I first moved to Detroit, didn’t know anybody. Went there to be the Detroit Lions’ chaplain. I was sort of on my own. We were connected with Athletes in Action, but nobody in the city. I knew I got to have men in my life; that is a non-negotiable. We need community: Ann needs women; I need men; we need couples. I didn’t know anybody, so I started going to churches. Ann was pregnant; so a lot of times, I go to church by myself.

Long story short: I find this group of guys at this one church. They say, “Hey, you want to be in our small group?” “Yeah,” “…meet weekly.” I’m not kidding; I decided to take a risk. I didn’t know Jennie Allen’s quote then—because she hadn’t written it yet—but: “Be awkward early.” I think the second or third week I opened—I mean, we’re going around the room—and I said, “Hey guys,”—I bet there were eight guys; and again, I don’t know them very well yet—but I said, “I have a confession to make. I looked at the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue this week,” and “I never look at that. My wife won’t even let me see it, but I stumbled upon it. I’m just being honest, guys, I blew it. I’m sorry, and I just need to tell you guys.”

I’m not kidding, the room went, “Are you kidding me?!” They were mad; they were like, “You looked at that?!” I’m like, “Yeah; I mean, just for a second.” And nobody here—”No, never would we ever do anything like that!”—I mean, they shamed me to death. I remember I got in my car, and I said, “That’s not my group!” I just remember thinking, “Half of them are probably lying.” And again, I don’t know—maybe, they’re that righteous—but I just remember thinking, “This is not going to be a group where you can be honest.”

I thought, “I got to find other guys”; and I did. I’ve been with those other guys for over

30 years; they’re brothers. And that authenticity and vulnerability, we need that. I didn’t ever connect loneliness to that; but that was all part of what was going on in my soul, your soul, all of our souls. God meets that need in us, vertically, and that’s all we need; but He says, “No, you actually need people, too”; it’s the vertical and horizontal.

So man, what you’ve been sharing the last three days, this is powerful.

Ann: —and practical. Thanks, both of you, Jennifer and Steve. We all are represented by RK Media, so we want to give a shout out to Roger and Lori Kemp. They’re pretty remarkable—and we’re praying for you, again, Lori—and also their team: Danny, Allen, Julian, and all of you. We love you guys.

Shelby: I’m Shelby Abbott; and you’ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson, with Steve and Jennifer DeWitt on FamilyLife Today. Steve has written a book called Loneliness: Don’t Hate It or Waste It. Redeem It. What a great title, huh? This book really resonates with anybody who might be wrestling with feelings of loneliness, whether you’re married, or single, or in leadership. It’s a book that really helps you seek biblical insight and practical guidance for transforming your feelings of isolation into meaningful connection with both God and others. You can get your copy of Steve’s book by going online, right now, to FamilyLifeToday.com or clicking on the link in the show notes. Or feel free to give us a call at 800-358-6329 to request your copy. Again, that number is 800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word TODAY.

With all the gift-giving this time of year, I’ve been thinking about what it really means to give a meaningful gift. It’s not just about what’s wrapped up. It’s really about experiences; it can be about experiences and those moments that last forever, because they exist in our memory. That’s why I wanted to remind you about FamilyLife’s

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Now, coming up tomorrow, I’m excited to say that Dave and Ann Wilson are going to be joined by Jackie Hill Perry; she’s always interesting to listen to. Tomorrow, she’s going to talk about her new devotional and, really, how many devotionals out there, that exist right now, are pretty superficial. She’ll point us to Jesus and do that with style. I’m excited to hear her, and I hope you’ll join us. On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I’m Shelby Abbott. We’ll see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.

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