What I Couldn’t Tell My Folks: Bela Lemon

Dave: Hey, before we get started, we’ve got a question for you: how can we pray for you?

Ann: I love this question!

Dave: I knew you would.

Ann: Because we talk about a lot of serious things here on FamilyLife Today, and those details about our families—they often need our prayers. So, can we pray for you? We're serious.

Dave: Yes, so here's how you can let us know: text “FLT” plus your prayer request to 80542 to let us know, and it would be our privilege to pray for you. That's text “FLT” plus your prayer request at 80542.

Ann: We want to pray for you.

Bela: As a 15-year-old, I remember that was a time where I genuinely had nothing to turn to but the Lord. I almost lost my life because I was so underfed and struggling so much; but I look back on it now, and it was one of the most beautiful times in my life because it was in that suffering that I really felt like I met Jesus.

Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com.

Ann: This is FamilyLife Today.

Dave: Here are three words you don't often hear together.

Ann: Okay.

Dave: You ready?

Ann: Yes.

Dave: You don't even know where I'm going.

Ann: No, I don't.

Dave: Real Life Loading…

Ann: Ooh, yes; this is going to be a good one.

Dave: I mean, you don't always put those three together. It sounds super cool, but do you know what it means?

Ann: Yes, I know what it means. Real Life Loading…

Dave: Okay, tell our audience what it means.

Ann: It’s a podcast with Shelby Abbott, and Shelby's with us today. We're all talking together, and we get to share one of Shelby's podcasts with our audience. And this is going to be fun.

Dave: Well, it's sort of fun. I mean, everybody knows Shelby Abbott’s voice, but today, they get to know him as a person. Shelby, welcome to FamilyLife^®. I don't know why I'm saying this! Welcome to FamilyLife Today. [Laughter] You always say that to everybody else.

Ann: Shelby, tell us about Real Life Loading... Why are you passionate about this?

Dave: Well, what is it?

Ann: Yes.

Shelby: Well, it's a podcast from FamilyLife that really is intentional at trying to reach the next generation. We're calling ourselves a resource, basically, for twenty-somethings, trying to really just care for the next generation; to help them walk with Jesus. The tagline for the show now is, Real Help for Relationships in Your 20s. We deeply care about that, so we're starting to talk with college students, people right out of college, [who] maybe just graduated from high school, and stuff like that to hear about what's going on in their lives and how we as the ministry of FamilyLife can help them.

Dave: Sounds awesome! So, tell us what we're going to listen to today.

Shelby: Yes; I had a conversation recently with a college student from George Mason University up in Northern Virginia; Washington, DC area. Her name is Bela Lemon, which is like the coolest name ever.

Ann: Seriously.

Shelby: She was a delightful young woman to talk to. She was very honest and frank about what goes on in her life. I wanted you guys to hear a little bit about the daily life of a college student. I asked her a number of different questions, and what we're going to hear right now is her talking about how, basically, it's okay to ask for help and not do everything on your own, which is quite a—it could be quite a—bit of a struggle for you people. Let's listen to this.

[Recorded Message]

Shelby: Knowing what you know now, in the wisdom of being a junior and having that time under your belt, what would you say to 18-year-old Bela? What would you say to her if you had an hour to sit down and have lunch with her?

Bela: Oh man, that would be a very interesting conversation!

Shelby: Yes.

Bela: I think I would tell myself now—because I've always been super hard on myself and a little bit of a perfectionist—it's like, “Oh, man, Bela! Why couldn't you have gotten it right the first time?” But I think I would just tell her: “It's okay to be human. We all make mistakes. There is so much grace for you, and the Lord just wants to give you the right tools to continue to grow into the woman He wants you to be.” So, I think I would just have a lot of compassion for her, because she was definitely struggling with some stuff and kind of making my faith my own at the time. So, just a lot of grace and compassion for sure, because she definitely needed it.

Shelby: Yes.

Bela: Yes.

Shelby: You know, I went into the college scene, and maybe this is a guy thing, too; but I felt like being needy was a horrible thing; a horrible, horrible thing. Do you ever feel like that?

Bela: I have felt like that a lot of times throughout my life. I felt like I had to be strong and tough, and I feel like I had to be the person to kind of keep it together.

Shelby: Yes.

Bela: I felt like vulnerability and weakness were just cowardly and very weak. I had this idea that, to be this strong, independent woman of God, I couldn't need anybody. Knowing that now, that could not be further from the truth, because I'm texting my friends every day like, “Hey, guys, I need prayer. I'm feeling anxious right now. I need a hug,” or something like that.

But even [about] two years ago, I wouldn't have done that, because I've definitely grown up sometimes feeling like I couldn't turn to anybody, and I had to be strong, and I had to fight some battles alone because people were unreliable and not dependable. But I've definitely learned the hard way because I found myself at the end of my rope, and I'm like, “I can't do this anymore.” I can't keep, you know, building my walls up and acting like I'm okay like when I'm not.

[Studio]

Dave: Shelby, let me ask you this: is that the common experience of kids in their 20s?

Shelby: Well, I wouldn't want to blanket statement and say that it is true for everybody, because there's always unique stories; but in general, the appearance of doing well is something that I think we all struggle with. But one of the most remarkable things about the younger generation, that I really appreciate about them, is their willingness to be honest about the fact that they're needy, and that they're not okay.

It comes with some difficult things, obviously. People can lack discernment and share and kind of bleed out on everybody. But in general, Bela is one of those young women who is frank about the struggles that she's having, but she wasn't always that way. I think that she learned and grew and matured in her relationship with the Lord and said, “You know what, there is grace in my failings.” I think that they have a tendency to think in categories of: “Am I being good or bad right now?”

Ann: Yes.

Shelby: And what I've tried to communicate with young people is: you need to drop those categories, because there's no one good but God. He's the only good One. Everybody else is bad, so let's not look at good or bad categories; let's look at humble and prideful, and recognize that when you're bad, because you will be bad, that there is grace for that. Because when we expect them to be good, good, good, good, good, all the time, the pressure mounts, and then they end up saying, “You know what? I don't think I can do this,” and then they decide to make bad decisions.

Which, actually, kind of leads us nicely into the next little segment that I wanted to share with you guys, because I asked Bela some frank questions about what was going on with her and her college experience, and she shared with me her struggle in some early days of being a college student, about the party scene and how her parents reacted, and maybe how you could react as a parent if your kid tells you a story about how they've been struggling in college. Let's listen to this.

[Recorded Message]

Shelby: As you think about your college experience, what's been maybe the worst part of your college experience so far?

Bela: Worst part of my college experience, I would say, is just the worldly influences that can get in the way of life. So, just friendships that would kind of go in and out, relationships that were not godly, that kind of, you know, force your affection on anything other than Christ. That was really hard to let go of.

Shelby: Guys, you mean?

Bela: Yes. [Laughter] Yes, and friendships.

Shelby: You were hinting at something very specific, and I was like, we're talking about dudes, right? We're talking about guys?

Bela: It's like 50/50. I had a friend group, [my] first year at Mason, that, you know, started off as a Christian group, and then they kind of entered the party scene.

Shelby: Yes.

Bela: And I was definitely influenced by that for a little bit. I went to like two or three and I was like, “I can't do this.” I called my mom [Laughter] after a while. I was like, “Mom, don't hate me, but I need to come home for a few days and just like recoup and”—

Shelby: —did you call her fresh from a party? Were you drunk?

Bela: I was like coming out of it, and I was like, “Mom, I hate this feeling.” I'd never been drunk in my life. I was like, “This is terrible! I feel so empty inside, and I feel so unloved by these people that I thought were my friends.”

Shelby: Yes.

Bela: And then, that was a huge turning point for me in college, because after that is when I found Cru^® and the ministry there.

Shelby: How did your—I'm curious how your mom reacted when that phone call came? Do you mind sharing what she said?

Bela: My parents were so patient and so great. They were never angry, never mad. They were just kind of like—you know, “Sometimes, in our stubbornness, we feel like we know the right way and what's going to be fun.”

Shelby: —make us happy.

Bela: Yes, exactly. And they loved on me. They kept me for a few days and prayed with me and just really got me—helped get me—back on the right track. My mom is definitely someone that I go to for such spiritual wisdom and guidance. I feel like she gets me, and we're very similar; and our stories are pretty similar. She's like, “I've been there. Don't beat yourself up; but there are some changes that need to be made.” It was really hard, too, because at that time, I was living on my own for the first time, so that also played a little bit of a part in it.

So, I definitely owe them a lot for just, you know, disciplining me with love and grace, but also pushing me toward: “Remember why the Lord has you on campus, and it's to be a light, not to succumb to the darkness.”

Shelby: Yes.

Bela: That stuck with me, and I was like, “Okay, I want my joy back. I want my peace with the Lord back.” And so, that was a huge turning point in my faith that's definitely gotten me to where I am now.

[Studio]

Shelby: Shout out to Bela's parents, right?

Dave: Yes, I was just going to say—

Shelby: —amazing!

Dave: —they just modeled for all of us what it looks like when your child is making decisions you don't agree with. I mean, so many of us would just freak out, and it would do the opposite! It would probably push our children to keep making those bad decisions, so.

Ann: I think a great question would be to us, as parents: why do we freak out? If our kids fail, or they come to us [and say], “I've been partying. I've really been tempted.” I'm trying to think for myself, why would I freak out? Because I did freak out sometimes, and it was because of fear; fear that this would continue on, or fear that they'd get trapped, or they'd make some really bad life choices.

Dave: I would say I think it's fear of that. You know, I had two alcoholic parents, so, man, when you see one of your kids starting to drink, it's like that's a gun that might have a bullet in it. You don't just play with that. But the other side [is], I think the fear is what people think of us, as parents.

Ann: Yes.

Shelby: Yes.

Dave: We care more about our image than really walking beside our child to say, “Okay, I've been there. What's going on? How can we help you?” and giving grace and yet, discipline, like Bela said, at the same time.

Shelby: Yes, they both gave grace to her and, then, the thing that I felt was super noteworthy from her parents was: “You went to campus to be a light, not to succumb to the darkness.”

Dave and Ann: Yes!

Shelby: And I know of many Christians in the past who have been like, “I'm going to be a light for Jesus here! I'm going to go do that here,” and then they end up being affected by the world.

And frankly, I mean, I'm trying to imagine my own daughter—she’s just about to turn 13, so we're still five years away from her leaving the house, but I'm trying to imagine that phone call from her—calling from a party. She got drunk, and she feels bad. How would I respond? I'm not sure, in where I'm at right now, I would respond the way Bela's parents did. It's super-impressive, and not just a great example, but, “Hey, I want to allow that to examine me, and I want to change.”

Ann: I think now, Shelby, is the time to determine what your response will be.

Shelby: Yes.

Ann: Because I just didn't expect it, and I hadn't thought through, “What should my response be?” So, most of the time, I blew it. But I think that's just a great question: when our kids fail, how do we want to respond?

I remember—I've shared this story before, but—our 18-year-old came in, and he was getting ready to go off to college in a few months. He came into our bedroom at night, and I remember grabbing him by the shoulders saying, “Man, I'm proud of you. I just love who you are. You're such a light. You're such a leader. You're going to impact your campus for Jesus.” And he was like, “Okay, whatever, Mom!” And he walked out of the room.

He came back in, maybe three minutes to five minutes later, and he's crying. He’s 18-year-old, with tears just dropping off of his face. And I said, “What happened?” And he said “Mom, that is not who I am. All those things you said, that is not me, because I just got so wasted last weekend, Mom. That's who I am.” And as a parent, you know, you want to freak out. You want to just lose your mind, but I remember just taking a breath, saying a quick prayer, and then, I put my hands back on his shoulders, and I said, “That may be what you did last weekend, but that is not who you are.”

Shelby: Good job, Ann.

One of the things that my wife and I, Rachel, have been really adamant about is admitting when we're wrong to our kids, and apologizing and asking for forgiveness. Because that, I think, only benefits our relationship, to help them to know that they could walk into my door anytime and talk to me about how they've failed, because I want them to know that the Christian life isn't about doing everything correctly. It's about living in the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ. That's what I want them to know.

Dave: Yes.

Shelby: I don't want them to be afraid that they're going to step on a landmine just by stepping out of line every now and then, and if they go to me and my wife, they'd be like, “I can't talk to Mom and Dad about this.” No, no, no, I want the opposite of that.

Ann: Yes.

Shelby: One of the things that I do love about this generation is, like I said, they're honest about how they have fallen short in the past. And Bela was really vulnerable with me about a struggle that she had when she was younger with food. She had an eating disorder. So, she's going to talk here about how Jesus worked in her life in the context of her eating disorder and how she's been able to use that experience to help other people.

[Recorded Message]

Bela: I struggled with a really bad eating disorder when I was—I was diagnosed at 12, but it got really bad at 15, to the point where I had to be hospitalized. I was away from my home, my family, everything I loved and knew, and like, school, my sports. I was a dancer. I did martial arts. I was very active.

All those things were stripped from me. I was in a hospital bed, and I had wires coming out of who knows what. I had a feeding tube. I was in the hospital for about a week and a half, almost two weeks. Then, I was transferred to a rehabilitation center, a refeeding place for another seven weeks. In total, I was away from home for like nine weeks. It was like a little over two months. As a 15-year-old, you know, I'm just a kid.

Shelby: Yes.

Bela: I remember that was a time where I genuinely had nothing to turn to but the Lord. And as hard and as scary of a time that was because I almost like, lost my life because I was so underfed and struggling so much mentally with just the idea of where I was; I was in such a broken place. But I look back on it now and it was one of the most beautiful times in my life because it was in that suffering that I really felt like I met Jesus.

I would get up every day, either in the hospital or at the house that I stayed at, and I would read my devotional and read my Bible. I carried my Bible with me everywhere in the house, to where some of the girls would start asking about it. I would [say]: “This is the only reason I'm able to like get through this.” Because without Him, I didn't really have much of a desire to get better and heal my body through food and just the refeeding process and trusting it, and just allowing the Lord to heal me from the inside out. It was genuinely some of the most beautiful times I had where I felt like I really encountered Him and His love for me.

Shelby: Have you found that you've been able to use your story to help freshmen women or any other women that you run across who have gone through the same thing that you have?

Bela: Yes, yes; and that is what makes it so worth it to me, because when we go through those things, we are so much better able to have compassion and help others. So many young women I've encountered struggle with body image, with food, with eating disorders; with mental health. And that is something I'm like: “Okay, I know a little bit of my stuff, because I've lived it. I've walked through it.”

Shelby: Yes; it's not theoretical for you.

Bela: Exactly! So, there have been so many times, even in public places where—there was one time in Target^®. There was this girl [who was] a teenage girl, and she was with her mom. Her mom was trying to get her to eat something. She was like, “No, Mom. I feel fat,” and “I feel very ugly.” I asked the Lord in that moment: “I really feel like I want to say something to her, God, but I just pray that it comes across well and that her mom is not thinking it's weird that I'm talking to her about this.”

I remember, I pulled her aside for just like 15 seconds and was like, “Hey, I've been there, and I've struggled with this. You are beautiful, and you deserve to eat. You need to take care of yourself.” Her mom heard, and she was like crying. And then the little girl was like, not little girl. She was like a teenager. She was like, “Thank you. I really needed to hear that.”

I remember walking away from that feeling like, “Okay, I feel so good,” because I feel like that was something the Lord really wanted me to say something. I felt so empowered after that. I was like, “God, you know, for that one encounter that I just had, all of that pain and suffering through that time in the hospital [with] doctors and therapists and nutritionists and counselors [was] so worth it for that one moment, where I feel like I could use my pain for a purpose.” That's what's fueled me so much, just to use pain for purpose. And that's something that's always stuck with me since then.

[Studio]

Shelby: Isn’t it just like the Lord to take the hard,—

Dave: —wow!

Shelby: —difficult, gross, grimy parts of our lives, flip them on their heads, and weaponize them against the evil one?

Ann: Yes.

Dave: Yes, you know, I was just—I'm encouraged. I’m like, “Way to go, Bela.”

Ann: I know.

Dave: I don't even know the girl, and I'm [thinking], “You didn't just help a teenage girl in a store. You're now helping thousands of parents and probably young people with that story.” They're probably going to be touched. Somebody's probably got tears in their eyes right now going, “I'm valuable.”

Shelby: Yes.

Dave: “I heard it from a girl named Bela. God sees me, and God wants to meet me in my pain. Maybe He'll even use my pain to help somebody else like I was just helped.”

Shelby: Yes, because He does. He wants to use that. I mean, you've talked about that, Ann. Dave, you talked about that. I've heard you guys talk about that. The more I talk about my struggles of chronic pain or like the sexual abuse that I've experienced—the more I'm open about the fact that it was a true part of my history—God takes that, wields the pain, and uses it as a force for good and for His glory in the world. It's just absolutely incredible.

My greatest area of ministry influence has been because I have been honest about my physical pain.

Dave: Yes.

Shelby: I wouldn't wish it on anybody, but at the same time, God has used it to bring glory to His name and good to my life because I've been open about talking about it. So, again, shout out to Bela, you know?

Ann: Thanks, Bela. And thank you, Shelby, for all you're doing. This is a great podcast. I really hope that parents will encourage their kids to listen [and] that our students will listen. It's just a great podcast to send and to use to further the Kingdom.

Shelby: Yes. If you know—if you have kids or grandkids in their 20s, or if you know anybody in their 20s, I just want to help. I really feel like I can with Real Life Loading…. So, check it out.

I love talking with college students. Young people just make me so excited for what God is going to do in the future. And I've loved the opportunity to sit down with Dave and Ann Wilson today to talk with them as we've processed my conversation with Bela Lemon.

As you know, I'm Shelby Abbott, and you've been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson today with me and Bela Lemon on FamilyLife Today.

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Now, coming up next week, joining Dave and Ann Wilson in the studio is the one and only Michael Card. He's going to talk about his experience in the Christian music world and his faith journey and the mentors who helped him along the way. We hope you'll join us for that.

On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I’m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.

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