What If I Feel Anger at God: Rechab & Brittany Gray

Episode Transcript

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What If I Feel Anger at God?

Guests:Rechab and Brittany Gray

From the series:God Who’s Over It, God Who’s In It (Day 2 of 3)

Air date:September 10, 2024

Rechab: Our daughter got sick. She started complaining of chest pain. We showed up to the hospital, and they start telling me, “I think we’re going to have to intubate her.” By this time, I am realizing this is worse than I recognized. I hit up Britt: “Hey, this just took a major turn. This ain’t looking good.”

Ann: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Ann Wilson.

Dave: And I’m Dave Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on the FamilyLife app.

Ann: This is FamilyLife Today!

Dave: Rechab and Brittany Gray are back in the studio. Do you guys like being here? You look like you do.

Rechab: Yes.

Dave: You’re smiling.

Ann: That’s a set-up. [Laughter] “No, we hate it.”

Dave: What else are you going to say?

Rechab: Right.

Ann: If you didn’t listen yesterday, go back. That was just powerful. You shared about how you met, your family, memorizing Scriptures, and discipleship and why that [matters].

Dave: And, by the way, if you didn’t listen yesterday, and you think, “Oh, I memorize Scripture.” No, you don’t. [Laughter] Not compared to Rechab. We’re talking about books of the Bible, and he recited some of them. It was so, so powerful.

One of the things you mentioned yesterday was your story, in your family. We know something the listeners don’t. You’ve had quite a journey with one of your daughters. Take us on that journey.

Rechab: Yes, I can lead up into the journey. Our two oldest kids have Sickle Cell Disease. It’s a disease that primarily affects black folks, really Africans, but also Indians, I believe.

It’s a small portion of the population that’s actually affected, from even the black population. Me and my wife share the trait, but then our two oldest actually got the disease. The way it affects them is what is called a “crisis,” where the blood cells start to “sickle.” They start to form a weird v-shape, and then, when that happens, there is intense pain in that place. It’s not a sore, dull pain, but more like a stabbing pain in that particular spot.

In arms or legs or anything like that, it creates crazy pain. In organs, it can be very serious or even fatal. When our kids were younger, living in Philly, one of them was hospitalized at least monthly or bimonthly. It was all of the time we were in the hospital.

Ann: They had already been diagnosed?

Rechab: Yes, already diagnosed.

Brittany: It’s a newborn screening now.

Rechab: Yes.

Ann: Oh, okay.

Rechab: I think, for Aaron, one of the ways we knew something was off was that he had dactylitis, which is where his hand swelled up.

Brittany: Three months old was when he had his first crisis with the swelling of his hands.

Rechab: Yes, yes.

Ann: Brittany, take us back to that, even when they had the diagnosis—As a mom and dad, you’re living out your fears. How did you deal with that?

Brittany: I remember the day when we found out about Aaron. We were shopping for baby gear in Target when I got the phone call. I was absolutely devastated. We were twenty-two years old, still in school.

Ann: So, you were babies?

Brittany: We were; we were.

Rechab: We look like babies still.

Ann: This is a heavy burden to carry.

Brittany: Yes. No one in our family had ever had it, so we didn’t know anyone with the disease. We just learned about it in Science class. Of course, we were prepared, because we knew we had the trait. The doctors will ask you many, many times: “Are you sure you don’t want your baby tested before they are born? Make sure you are prepared?”

We absolutely said, “No. We are going to have this baby and take care of this baby.”

Ann: You were going to keep that baby.

Brittany: Absolutely, absolutely. We were undoubtedly sure we were going to have our child, and if the baby came with Sickle Cell, we’d know early, and we were going to be prepared. We had done a lot of research. Amazingly, the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia is one of the best hospitals in the country and one of the top research hospitals for Sickle Cell Disease. God orchestrated that.

Ann: Take me back. I’m thinking of myself as a young mom. You’re already feeling vulnerable; you’re feeling out of sorts because you have a baby. Take me back to your prayer when you first heard and how you guys processed that as a couple.

Rechab: Whew.

Brittany: Do you still remember that time?

Rechab: Oh, yes.

Brittany: Yes?

Rechab: I remember when we got the call. I remember breaking down, crying.

Dave: At Target?

Brittany: In Target, yes.

Dave: Really? You just broke down?

Brittany: Yes. They had a little bench by the pharmacy section. I just sat down and cried.

Rechab: I remember getting home and knelt down on the side of the bed. You were sitting on the bed. I wept deeply, and we prayed together that—

Ann: —were you mad at God?

Rechab: Hmm. That’s a good question. It’s why you do what you do!

Brittany: Honestly, my first thought was that it was a punishment for our sin—

Ann: —oh.

Rechab: Yes.

Brittany: —because we had gotten pregnant before we were married. So, that was my first thought. “Oh, Lord, You are punishing us for sin.” I had to let that go quickly, because he was such a blessing. [Tears] I’m sorry.

Yes, I think that was my first thought. I don’t know if you recall—

Ann: —do you think other people think that? When a baby gets sick, they wonder, “Is this because of my sin or something in my past?”

Rechab: Yes, for sure. We had so many reasons to feel that way. We had gotten off to a horrible start. She wasn’t a believer that whole time. I got the opportunity to lead her to Christ, in spite of me, not because of me.

We had sex long before she became a Christian; took this long break, and then she got curious about Christ. I said, “Man, we can’t do this friendship thing anymore.” And that day she said, “Alright, I’ll try Jesus,” and she prayed to receive Christ. “Hit me up.” Do you remember what you said?

Brittany: “Jesus is real.” My eyes were opened.

Rechab: Yes. It was like the lights came on. And for her, that was such a big deal, because I remember how much she had gotten to the point of hating the Lord. So, God restored all that. I remember her taking communion the next Sunday, and that was a big deal. [She] immediately became a worshiper. I saw somebody go from darkness to light.

We had this long season, almost a year and some change, where we didn’t touch. We didn’t hold hands. We were so afraid of crossing the line.

Brittany: We were together every day, though. We were in the same classes in school. So, we were studying together every day, we were working together, but we did not touch each other.

Rechab: Yes. We didn’t touch each other.

Brittany: At all.

Rechab: And then it was my birthday, I think. I went to her crib, and because it was my birthday I felt, “Oh, I can give her a birthday kiss.” And we went right back into sin.

So, for us, it really did feel like it would be a rightful punishment, because, “You redeemed us, You restored us. And we decided, after You did this wonderful thing, to go back to what we knew was vomit.” But, even when we are faithless, God remains faithful. He gave us a gift we didn’t even know we needed; through sin, though. That might sound so weird, but the cross is that picture.

Ann: It’s that amazing grace.

Rechab: Yes, yes. Every other god—that’s why I don’t mess with other gods. Every other god is like the good guy, and he has to work around the bad guys. Our God says, “I’m so good, and so in control, I can use the bad guys to pull off good.” That’s the cross.

The worst thing that ever happened in human history is killing the innocent son of God.

The greatest thing that ever happened in human history is the son of God dying on the cross for our sins.

He doesn’t have to work around sinners; He works through it. He worked through sin to put sin to death. That’s Sovereign control right there; but it doesn’t absolve the sinner. The sinner needs to come to the same grace that He used in order to overcome that sin.

I just thank the Lord for His redeeming hand and redeeming us from that pain, and then the double pain of feeling like we were being punished, because God gave us such an incredible gift in our firstborn son, Aaron.

Ann: So, He wasn’t punishing you. You came to that realization.

Rechab: No, no. It took a while for us to realize it, but when I say, “We realized it…” He’s like a mini-me.

Brittany: Yes. [Laughter]

Ann: Brittany is shaking her head.

Rechab: I will share one story, though, that was really hard. We were in the hospital—he had to be two or three, and they couldn’t figure out why he was sickling so much. They started sickling in his head, complaining of a headache; and then, his head started physically swelling up.

Ann: Oh.

Rechab: And you have to imagine a two- or three-year-old—your child, sitting there swelling up. This was the moment I was angry. I was thinking, “Punish me. Do something to me, and let me suffer. It’s too much for him.” He can’t talk, he can’t lift his—anything.

In my anger—and this is what’s so good about our God. My mentor says this all the time [that] we have this saying in Christianity that he hates, “I’m not sure if you should say that to God.” Here’s what he says, “Every horrible question you can think of is actually an inspired Scripture.” [Laughter]

Just go read the Psalms. “Where are You? Are You there? What’s up?”

Dave: Yes.

Ann: “What are You doing?”

Rechab: “What are You doing? How long are You going to have us go through this?” So, we can ask hard questions in pain and agony. I went to the Lord and said, “I don’t get this. You are going to have to show me something.”

I just opened the Bible. I literally just put it on the bathroom sink. He led me to a Psalm—I believe it’s Psalm 34, but I just can’t remember. I walked through that Psalm, and I remember walking out of that bathroom, feeling so much peace. Even though I’m looking at the back of my son’s head, and it is still as big as it was.

I came around to the front and, oh man, in that moment he cracks a smile. In that moment, it was like his cracking of a smile was like the Father’s touch on his daddy’s shoulder. I already knew God was good. Within the hour—within the hour!—the swelling completely went down.

Yet, it was like the peace came before the healing, which was such a major, major moment in our lives. That moment taught us to trust the Lord through the valley of the shadow of death, not just before and after. [Psalm 23:4]

Ann: Yes.

Rechab: So, that was just a really, really big deal.

You had asked yesterday about the gap between our kids.

Ann: Yes.

Rechab: It was because of that; both of them having Sickle cell disease.

Ann: There’s ten years between the two older and the two younger.

Rechab: Yes; we had decided we weren’t going to have any more kids.

Ann: You’re done, because—

Rechab: —because we don’t want to put any other child through this.

Dave: What changed?

Rechab: Yes, what changed, babe?

Dave: She’s still crying.

Ann: Brittany is still wiping her tears. I’m crying with you.

Brittany: Ironically, God taking us away from our comfort, and the place we thought we would be forever—our home where we were at, and placing us in a new, uncomfortable environment, but with some wonderful, gracious friends who knew how to ask those challenging questions.

They didn’t shy away from really asking us to inquire of the Lord. They kept saying, “You guys sound like you want more kids. You’re not sounding like you are final in your decision.” And we’d reply, “Yes, but we are good with what we have, but we’d love some more.” We just kept going back and forth. And this was—our daughter was seven at that point, and we were still struggling with the Lord: “What do you want us to do?”

Ann: And had they—had your son and daughter—gone through some other experiences—

Rechab: —oh, yes.

Ann: —and health issues that were hard?

Brittany: Yes, regularly.

Ann: So, it’s ongoing.

Rechab: Yes.

Brittany: Yes.

Rechab: Our daughter lost her spleen. They have both been through multiple bouts of pneumonia.

Ann: Ugh. That’s exhausting in every way.

Rechab: Yes, yes.

Ann: Physically, spiritually, mentally. So, you are wondering, “Can we do it?”

Brittany: Yes.

Rechab: Yes, legit.

Brittany: We were challenged to pray again, which we hadn’t done in a long time. And of course, God said, “You’re supposed to have some more babies.” We were excited to try again, but man, we were so nervous. Man, were really nervous.

So, we did. We tried again, and we got pregnant really fast when we tried again. And then we had a miscarriage with that first one. We lost Joseph at eight weeks. [Tears]

We were sad, devastated, but we said, “Lord, you said you were going to give us another one, so let’s try again.” Once again, it happened so easily. “Man, this must be from the Lord.” Then, He took our next one.

Ann: Ugh.

Brittany: We lost Ariella at nine weeks. That was all in one year. May and October, we lost both babies.

Ann: Eight and nine weeks. That’s really hard.

Brittany: Yes, it’s hard. We talked about this with another person. Once you have those experiences, and you vocalize them, you realize: “This is happening to everyone around us. We’re just not talking about it.” Multiple of our friends came around us and said, “We had this happen.” We thought, “Oh. This happens often, very often.” I had never really realized what that pain was like.

We really learned: “Man, that’s a serious, serious loss that a lot of our friends have dealt with.”

Rechab: Yes.

Brittany: Even our friends that were really, really close with us had that happen, and it was amazing how she just knew. She knew what I was feeling before I did.

Ann: She knew what you needed.

Brittany: She knew what I needed, and she walked right with me and cared for me. Rechab cared for me in a very special way, that I’d never seen him care for me before.

That was a difficult time, but God really opened my heart to an emotion that I’d never felt before: feeling extreme sadness and extreme joy in a way I’d never experienced before. I’d always been a level-headed person, very even-keeled. I don’t get too much joy. I don’t get too much sadness; but that experience of losing both of them really opened my heart. “Now, I can experience extreme joy! And also, extreme sadness.”

That was a new adventure for us in our marriage. He’s walking with a new person now who is experiencing these new emotions that the Lord gave us through tragedy.

Rechab: Yes; legit.

Ann: It’s funny. When we talk to people that say—when we ask, “Why did you get divorced?” And they say, “Well, he changed,” or “She changed.” Hello! We all change.

Brittany: True.

Rechab: [Laughter] Legit.

Ann: None of us stay the same.

Rechab: No, no; not at all.

Ann: Thank goodness, too.

Brittany: Yes, and I needed that change. I really did need that change. Being able to experience emotions at greater levels has made me a better—

Ann: —you’re more empathetic.

Brittany: I’m more empathetic to others, and I’m able to love better. So, absolutely, I needed that change.

Rechab: And being able to care for her through that taught me what it is like to be a stabilizer, because I am so naturally up and down. By the grace of God, we finally got pregnant again—

Brittany: —yes, I got pregnant again.

Rechab: —and had Jonathan right before Covid hit. And then, our daughter experienced her worst crisis ever.

Ann: After the baby is born?

Rechab: After the baby is born.

Brittany: Yes.

Ann: How old is she at this time?

Brittany: She was nine.

Rechab: Nine; yes, nine-years old. It was tough, because Aaron was experiencing a lot that year. I remember being in the hospital a lot more regularly, literally, preparing sermons right beside his bed. I remember her, for a while, just not being herself. She got sick and started complaining of chest pain. Britt said, “I think it’s been long enough. Let’s take her in.”

We show up to the hospital, and they try to look at her oxygen. It’s already in the 80% [range], and it’s declining rapidly. So, they put her on the—mind you, Covid had hit. If they test you for Covid, and you’re positive, they go to that wing. If it’s not Covid, you’re in this other wing. So, we were in this other wing. And because it is Covid, no one can visit.

As her parent, I’m the only one allowed. She’s [Brittany] not able to be in there. I saw them put the oxygen mask on her, and I think she’s having a panic attack, because it’s on her face, which only makes it get worse. They rush her to another room, because it’s getting lower, lower, lower, lower, and lower.

They start to tell me, “We’re going to have to intubate her.” By this time, I’m realizing they are trying to help me be calm, but it is worse than I recognize. I hit up Britt: “This just took a major turn. This ain’t lookin’ good.”

During the intubation, because our daughter is a fighter—she’s like my dad; she’s strong, she ends up resisting the sedation. So, when they intubate her, she is not asleep enough, and her gag reflexes kick in, and she ends up puking into her own lungs—

Ann: —ugh.

Rechab: —only worsening the already bad infection. When that happens, I hit up Britt, and I say, “Hey, baby. I don’t think this is going to happen.” They tell me they want to Life Flight her two hours away. I tell them, “Whatever you have to do.”

But Iowa gets cold, cold! Negative ten, negative fifteen. When that happens, I hit up Britt. I say, “They are going to have to Life Flight her on the coldest day.” Sickle Cell already doesn’t respond well to the cold; to take her from the hospital bed to a van to a helicopter and all of those transitions outside? I just said, “Baby, there’s no way she’s going to make it even to Iowa City.” I said, “We probably need to be prepared. We’re going to get the call on the way up that she didn’t make it.”

When we get there before the helicopter, actually, we are on pins and needles. We finally get the call. We’re like, “Why won’t they call?” And we finally get the call that she made it, and she’s still here. She’s intubated, fully out; but she made it. The oxygen is so low, but she made it. So, now it’s like the roller coaster ride of—

Brittany: Let me just interject. They had moved her to this new location because they were going to put her on life support.

Rechab: Yes, sorry.

Brittany: And that was the only way they said she was going to make it.

Rechab: I forgot about that.

Brittany: They took her away to put her on life support, and when she made it there, they said, “Her numbers have improved. She doesn’t need to have life support.”

Rechab: The opposite of what you would have assumed would have happened with all the transitions.

Ann: You’re shocked!

Brittany: We were astonished.

Rechab: Literally astonished. Yes, shocked. Can’t believe!

Brittany: And we found out later when you get on—it’s called ECMO, and when you get on—ECMO, it’s hard to get off. So, often, people are on that for the rest of their life, or they don’t make it very far. We were astonished. We were amazed.

Ann: Well, we are out of time today.

Brittany: We are going over time.

Rechab: Oh, sorry.

Ann: But we’re going to continue tomorrow. Aren’t you thinking this—I’m thinking of all the parents who have dealt with something tragic with their kids, or maybe they are in it right now.

How would you give them hope?

Rechab: I would definitely say that the most peaceful thing that happened in that time period was a reminder that, “This ain’t it.” That does not sound very hopeful, but it’s true.

Ann: Meaning this life.

Rechab: This life is not it. The healing is either going to happen on this side or in the next; but in Christ, healing is coming.

And so, for us, while we had given up hope that the healing would be on this side, the peace we experienced was because we knew on the other side of this, we were going to see our baby girl. It just so happens that God had a different plan.

Shelby: It’s hopeful, in and of itself, to know that peace can be found in the midst of really terrible, painful trials. When all we have to cling to is Christ, we have everything we need to cling to. Rechab and Brittany have lived that out in a very practical way, and I find hope in that.

I’m Shelby Abbott, and you’ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Rechab and Brittany Gray on FamliyLife Today. It’s been such an encouraging conversation, and the conversation with Rechab and Brittany is going to continue tomorrow. I really enjoyed hearing them not only talk about parenthood, but what that can do to your marriage and how it can test it.

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Coming up tomorrow, Rechab and Brittany are back one more time as they talk about navigating parenthood amidst crisis, enduring faith, and unexpected challenges. That’s coming up tomorrow, we hope you’ll join us.

On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I’m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.

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