Who Comes First In a Blended Marriage? Ron Deal & Gayla Grace

Bob: Bryan Loritts tells the story about getting invited to do ministry in Dubai. They said: “We’d like to invite you, and we’ll send you two plane tickets.” He said, “Okay. Korie and I (my wife and I) are going to go to Dubai.” He said: “One of my kids said: ‘Why are you taking Mom?” He said, “Well, because I kind of love her more than I love you.” [Laughter]

You think, “You don’t want to say that to your kid.” No! It helped his child to hear. And he went on to say: “And you know what? Someday, you’re going to leave; and mom and I are going to be together long after you’re gone. This is what’s important.”

Ron: This is a really good point. I want us to unpack what you just said, because there is a difference in saying that in a biological family than in a stepfamily. Here’s the difference: when you say that, tongue in cheek, to a child—”because I love her more than I love you,” something inside of that kid kind of laughs along with it, because they know that your love for them is unmistakable, and it’s good and right that you love mom.

In a blended family, that is unclear.

Bob: Right.

Ron: Sometimes, children say, “It’s good and right that you love your new wife, my stepmother,” but sometimes they’re like: “Now, wait a minute. I’m your flesh and blood. How can you say that?” So, what has a positive impact in a biologic home can have a negative in a stepfamily home.

Bob: And the step-kids have likely been through some kind of loss.

Ron: They have!

Bob: So, when you say, “I love her more than I love you,” they’re hearing loss magnified.

Ron: “Oh, no! Here we go again.”

By the way, what we’re doing right now, guys, is so helpful. This is what I call “going around the horn.” We’re going around the family, and we’re jumping into the shoes of the child and saying: “Why would they react harshly to this idea of putting your spouse in the front seat? What’s going on for a kid?”

Well, yes, sometimes kids just want to ride in the front, and they want what they want. But also there is: “I’ve been through some pretty rough stuff. I’ve lost connection with somebody. My family has gone through major transitions—a tragedy of some sort, a death or a divorce. I don’t want to go through another one of those things.” They’re hypersensitive to the idea of being pushed aside, because they’ve seen it happen already in their home.

Of course, they’re not going to welcome this new person riding in the front seat of the family car. What you have to do, as a parent, is understand that, but not be paralyzed by that. That is the big mistake that biological parents make: they see the pain in their child’s eyes, and they go easy. All of a sudden, they’re putting their kid in the front seat and their spouse in the backseat. That’s the wrong move, because over time—you may have prevented a little bit of pain in your child’s heart in the moment, but you’ve created a bigger pain, on behalf of your family, in the long run.

[Studio]

Dave: You’re listening to FamilyLife Today. We’ve been listening to a portion of a FamilyLife Blended podcast with Ron Deal. That was a great point that Ron just made. Let me tell you: to hear the entire episode, you can listen to Episode 108 of FamilyLife Blended. By the way, while you’re at it, subscribe to the FamilyLife Blended podcast, or share it with a friend who can benefit from it.

This is great stuff! I know you’re loving it. We’re going to go back. Ron actually sat down with author, Gayla Grace, and had a conversation about his conversation with Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine. You’re going to love the insights their going to give you. Let’s go to that conversation now.

[Previous FamilyLife Blended Podcast]

Ron: I think a lot of people wake up and realize, “Oh, I thought I was helping the kids [and] new spouse by catering to the children, keeping peace. Now, I can see I’ve created an environment where the children and my spouse can’t get along; and they resent each other.” I know you’ve seen some of that. Those are hard wake-up moments, aren’t they?

Gayla: They are, and they can be prevented. It does feel easier, in the moment, to go along and allow the child to remain in the front seat, but it’s just like so much of parenting: if we can keep the long view in mind—what we really want in the long view, we don’t want that child in the front seat forever. I mean, that’s not going to feel right, to us, even to that child, probably. In four or five years, they’re going to know they don’t belong there. [Laughter] We have to cut it off.

Ron: Yes, that’s a good observation. It’s perspective: yes, you want family peace; but sacrificing long-term peace and harmony for the sake of quick and momentary really comes at a great cost.

Let’s back up and grab a couple of those themes that came out: “I’m your flesh and blood.” [Laughter] Why does prioritizing the marriage initially create more angst and conflict in kids and within the family, do you think?

Gayla: I think it’s because of what that child has already walked through. There’s been a loss already, whether it’s divorce or death of their parent. And, probably, during those single-parent years, there’s been a real bonding that happens between the child and the mom or the dad, depending on who has primary custody. All of a sudden, they’re being asked to be pushed aside again; that just feels like a lot to a child, I’m sure.

Ron: I think you’ve really hit on something here. Really, there’s another structural change going on within the family. Let’s back up a little bit:

Mom and dad, together, raising their children, and then, a break-up occurs—death, divorce, something. Now, they’re not together. Now, we’re living in two single-parent homes as the children move back and forth between mom’s house and dad’s house. During that season, there’s a re-structuring of the home. It used to be centered around mom and dad’s marriage. Now, it’s centered around children and the activity that takes place in children’s lives, because one parent is basically centering their world around the kids.

There’s another radical structural change happening to the household when another adult comes back in. Now, we have to shift back to being a marriage-centric driven/led home. That doesn’t mean you get to be selfish—nobody’s saying that. It’s just that your marriage is the thing that leads everything in the household, not children.

Gayla: Right! But it is back to a marriage, but it’s with a person that this child doesn’t know, and probably doesn’t want a relationship with; at least, not in the beginning.

Ron: Yes, they’re not excited about them being in the car, let alone, in the front seat. [Laughter]

Gayla: Right! Exactly.

Ron: You have differing agendas between the biological parent and their own children about how to position this person.

Gayla: And for the parent, it’s a new beginning. You are the one who made the decision to remarry. Your child didn’t have any choice about that. You’re excited about it, and you kind of think your kid’s going to be in the same place. And it’s likely, they’re not.

Ron: I really think people underestimate the significance of this restructuring of the home back around marriage, and how visceral that is for children; it is such a huge shift. One of the things we know about kids is that, sometimes, they have a harder time adjusting to a parent’s marriage to a stepparent than they do to their parents’ original divorce that led to the blended family in the first place. Why is that? Well, because it’s another radical structural change to their world, and their life, and how the home functions.

For adults, it’s not an unwelcome change; it’s a welcome change. That’s where the problems begin to come in. All that to say, to our listener: putting your spouse in the front seat is important to the longevity of your home, the stability of your home, the stability of your relationship, as a married couple; but also, the stepparent’s relationship with the children. There’s a lot of things riding on this—no pun intended [Laughter]—and you’ve got to get it right. You also have to be really patient with your children in the process.

Gayla: It’s a balancing act. You’re not going to get it right every time. Some days, you’re naturally going to feel much more called to a child’s heart, depending on what that child has had happen that day, perhaps. I do think there is some balance to it. You even said earlier that, sometimes, stepdad just needs to, voluntarily, get in the backseat. And we’re not just talking about the car; we’re talking, in general, in these relationships.

Ron: Really, the vehicle could be time: “You know what? You need to have some time with your kids, and I need to step out of the picture.”

Gayla: Right, right.

Ron: “Let me make it easy for you and them. I’ve got a hobby. I’ll go do my hobby, and you have some exclusive time with your children—together, one-on-one,, or however you choose to do that.” That is a gift. That’s hopping in the backseat momentarily.

Gayla: Right; that needs to happen. If you don’t have a hobby, go find one. Because I totally agree that a bioparent needs some time alone with their kids.

Ron: By the way, here’s another practical suggestion about walking this out. Let’s talk about how to—practically, Gayla, what it looks like to—put your spouse in the front seat. What does that look like in real life in a way that’s not overbearing and gives consideration to the kids?

Gayla: I remember a time, early in our marriage, when Randy said to his kids—there was strife; they were not accepting me; I felt rejected; I was struggling, and Randy knew that—in front of me, to his kids, he said: “Gayla is not going away. We just need to figure out how to fit her into the circle and all get along.” That’s a way of putting your spouse in the front seat.

Ron: That’s a front-seat moment.

Gayla: Exactly.

Ron: That’s a good one.

I just think of, again, the vehicle of time—carving out a little time for one another: husband and wife time.

Gayla: Sure.

Ron: “Hey, kids! Sorry, you can work on homework or play your games, or whatever you’re doing; but we’re having ten minutes of coffee time after dinner.” Little things like that just show how important time is with that other person. [It] makes a statement to the children.

Gayla: Right; it doesn’t have to be some expensive date night that takes the whole evening.

Ron: Right.

Gayla: You just said it: “ten minutes of coffee with just us. Don’t interrupt us unless you’re dying or bleeding or something.” [Laughter]

Ron: Here’s another one: a kid comes to you with a question. Forever and a day, as a single parent, you gave them an answer immediately. You didn’t have to think about it;, talk to anybody, consult with—nothing: “Bam! There’s your answer.”

Well, now, you say, “You know what? Let me get back to you. I’m going to run this by so-and-so,”—your spouse, not so-and-so; that didn’t sound right [Laughter]—but you get the idea. The kid’s like, “Well, why do you have to talk with them?” That’s a moment; that’s a front-seat moment. You’re saying, “No, they are important enough to be included in this decision.”

Gayla: Right.

Ron: That’s a front-seat, honoring sort of moment.

Gayla: Exactly.

Ron: I don’t think it has to be complicated, and it certainly does not mean that everything in the world is all about your spouse. We’re not saying that at all. If there’s anything anybody has heard me say, it’s “Move toward your children, emotionally, even as you’re moving toward a spouse, their stepparent.”

You do both; because the statement says, “I love you, and I’m committed to you. You’re the greatest kids in the world!” (like we said in the broadcast), and at the same time, “This person over here is the greatest adult to me in the world.” Each gets to be equally important. I don’t think this is about who wins—spouse or kids. Don’t turn it into that.

Gayla: Right.

Ron: Both win, but both can’t have you in the same moment in time. They can’t have all of you, so you are divided when it comes to time and energy, but your commitment to both is what moves you forward.

Gayla: Yes, we spend a lot of time talking through the concepts, but I think it is easy to remember: sometimes, it’s just very simple actions that are going to put your spouse in the front seat, in the figurative sense.

[Studio]

Dave: We’ve been listening to a portion of the FamilyLife Blended podcast with Ron Deal. You had Gayla Grace on there, at the end.

Ron is with us in the studio. That conversation, Ron, has me asking—and I’m sure our listeners the same thing: “How does a spouse inadvertently put their spouse in the backseat and their kids—their bio-kids, especially—in the front seat?”

Ron: Yes, a good question. I’m glad you picked up on “inadvertently,” because I want to be clear here. I don’t think a lot of biological parents are trying to put their spouse in the backseat and their kids in the front seat. That’s not their heart or intention, but that is sort of the way it works out when you lean towards the kids in making decisions.

Now, sometimes, people make a single decision; but it’s the pattern that becomes problematic. Here’s an example:

My wife’s kids are coming for the weekend. She doesn’t get a lot of time with them. She throws 100 percent of her time and energy into her kids for two-and-a-half days. Basically, I don’t see her, and my kids don’t get any of her either, because she’s 100 percent over there.

You know, it’s understandable why a parent would want to totally make the most of the short time that they have when visitation takes place. And yet, at the same time, there’s got to be some balance over the course of your family’s journey together, because that communicates some important things to the children who are there for two days. They need to consider other people also.

It's easy to, inadvertently, put your kids in the front and everybody else in the back, including your spouse; but it is a dangerous move.

Dave: You’ve got to make a choice: “My spouse is most important, and the marriage comes first.”

Ron: You want to be mindful of one another. You want to have conversation: “How can we do this? Sometimes, we do need to put those kids in the front seat. We want them to feel special; and yet, we also need to show them what supporting one another as husband and wife looks like, too.”

Dave: Yes; this has been great stuff. Thanks, Ron.

Shelby: I’m Shelby Abbott; and you’ve been listening to Dave Wilson with Ron Deal on FamilyLife Today. We deeply care about stepfamilies; we deeply care about all families. One of the unique things we got to talk about today with Ron Deal was learning the intricacies and details that are different about stepfamilies as opposed to biological families.

Ron Deal has talked about this before, but I wanted to highlight this with you. There’s an event coming up in October—October 10^th through 11^th—in Dallas, Texas, called Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. It’s really an opportunity to have two impactful days filled with things like main-stage presentations, where there will be biblical teaching, and break-outs; and then, networking opportunities with ministry leaders from across the nation who deeply care about stepfamilies. You can learn a little bit more by heading over to SummitOnStepfamilies.com; that’s SummitOnStepfamilies.com.

We believe in reaching blended families, as I just talked about. If you want to make your mark [by] helping us to reach blended families, we’d love for you to do so by partnering with us—linking arms with us and becoming a donor; becoming a part of the solution [with] this ministry to reach families for the glory of Jesus Christ. Our goal by the end of this month is to raise $250,000 in new funds by the end of August. Each donation that you make is going to come with a couple of thank-you gifts. One of them is a limited-edition FamilyLife pen, along with a copy of Brant Hansen’s Unoffendable.

If you want to partner with us to help this ministry reach more families, you can do so by heading over to FamilyLifeToday.com and clicking on the “Donate Now” button at the top of the page. Again, that’s FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can give us a call at 800-358-6329 to make your donation. That number, again, is 800-“F” as in family, “L” as in life, and then the word, “TODAY.”

Now, coming up next week, David and Meg Robbins are going to be here with Dave and Ann Wilson to talk about marriage as a team. What does it look like in the ups and downs of learning how to work as a team, as a husband and wife? The Robbinses will be here next week to talk about just that. We hope you’ll join us.

On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I’m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.

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